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00:00Before the next program, we're just going back to that big story again.
00:06Bob Whipchipjupjupjup is at the scene, and he's on the line now.
00:10Bob, how big is this story?
00:12It's pretty big, Brian. As I stand here, I can see 20, perhaps 30 minutes of airtime.
00:18Some reports have even said an extended news bulletin.
00:21Do we know if hyperbole is being used at all?
00:23To an astronomical degree, Brian.
00:26And the figures we're getting are 37 hysterical clichés
00:29and up to 900 cases of vague, unsubstantiated guesswork.
00:35Or it could be a million. Or three and a half. Or none at all.
00:39Right. Now, what do we know about the story itself?
00:42Nothing at all, Brian. As I'm sure you appreciate, it's far too early to speculate.
00:47Yes. So this scene you're at, we've no idea where it is or why on earth you're there.
00:51None whatsoever. But I am definitely at it as I speak.
00:55And you can be sure I'll stay right here on the spot to monitor development.
00:59Bob, whipjupjupjupjup. Thank you.
01:02Out of the night, there's bold, there's brass on a moped, he's truly master.
01:15It's past when they get past a feed with his plate, a feed that stands for faster.
01:21Faster.
01:22And let our head see, he's never remotely faster.
01:27See how he saves us all, the fat bastard.
01:41With a feed that stands for faster.
01:47Experts, stock market clash, share prices tumble.
01:50City in panic, read all about it.
01:53Also, new Samuel Beckett retrospective opens at the National.
01:56I'll watch Timothy's quest for a new reality underlying inusory pseudo-objectivism.
02:01Get your paper here.
02:03Extra, extra.
02:04Oh, it makes me laugh.
02:08You know, when police announced drug season.
02:11It says here, police today in Southampton seized
02:14one and a half ounces of cannabis with a street value of 78 billion pounds.
02:21I don't know who they're buying their drugs off.
02:25You know, you can advance a reasonable moral argument for saying that you should legalise drugs.
02:31I don't know whether they should or not.
02:33It'd certainly make Gardner's Question Time a lot more interesting.
02:36Tonight on the panel, we've got Alan Gemmel, Alan Titchmarsh,
02:39and Professor Chico Estevez of the University of Medellin, Colombia.
02:43Yo, bro, what's happening, baby? Give me a question.
02:46Well, I've got a bit of brown leaf mould on my marijuana plant.
02:49I'm sure you don't give it up, baby.
02:51It also makes me laugh when you see people snorting cocaine.
02:54Now, most cocaine, right, is smuggled inside people.
02:58So these trendies are snorting stuff
03:00that's been up the rectum of a Bolivian peasant for the last six weeks.
03:04These photo booths are interesting places, you know.
03:09Yeah.
03:10They're not just places where you have your passport photo booths.
03:12No, they are also gateways to another dimension of time and space.
03:17Yeah.
03:17Behind this mirror is another dimension.
03:20And life is very hard and very tough in that other dimension.
03:24And that's why, when you get your photos back,
03:26they're always of some sad and dispirited stranger.
03:29The other thing is that in this dimension, it also rains all the time.
03:33And that's why, when you get your photos back, they're always wet.
03:43Sorry about that.
03:44So what was it?
03:46Yes, well, I brought a film in to be processed last week
03:50and I ordered one set of emprints and one set of 10x8s.
03:53Now, the emprints are fine.
03:55Here we are, look.
03:57But I'm not really satisfied with the enlargements.
03:59Here's another one, see?
04:09Oh, dear.
04:11You see, they're all like that.
04:13Oh, yes, I see.
04:19Oh, now, this one looks all right.
04:20I'll tell you what I'm going to do, sir.
04:25I'm going to pass you over to Wendy.
04:26All right, I think she dealt with this.
04:28Wendy?
04:29The gentleman here got a problem with enlargements.
04:34I'm very happy at all, sir.
04:36Yes, it's about these reprints.
04:37Look, there seems to be a strange man in them all.
04:40Yeah, it's a free gift.
04:41What?
04:42It's a special offer with every enlargement.
04:45What?
04:47It's a scratch on the negative.
04:49I don't believe you.
04:51Oh, all right, sir.
04:52Tell me something.
04:53Have you ever heard of a television show called Candid Cardinal?
04:58Oh, no.
05:01Not that one where innocent members of the public
05:03are duped into thinking their lives are being bizarrely disrupted
05:07by some high priest from the Holy Church of Rome.
05:09Oh, no.
05:11Oh, oh, no.
05:12I'm going to be so mindlessly, cretinously stupid.
05:24Well, wasn't here great sport, folks?
05:27Now, in part two, we'll be seeing how Cardinal Basil Hume
05:31drove an unsuspecting taxi passenger over a cliff.
05:35And we'll also see how her runcorn housewife got on
05:40when she had her teeth drilled by Cardinal Thomas O'Phee,
05:44the former primate of all-island, posing as a dentist.
05:49So join us then.
05:50All right.
05:51This is Studio 6, situated at the junction of Dimbleby Boulevard
06:03and Andy Pandy Drive.
06:05In this studio, many classic BBC programmes have been filmed.
06:10I wonder how many of you remember the famous series
06:12May Gray, starring Rupert Davis.
06:14Well, over there on the ground is a dead match,
06:17very similar to the one he would have used to light his pipe in that programme.
06:21And up there on the wall is the famous blue lamp from Zed Cars.
06:25Now, although it looks real,
06:27it is in fact made from papier-mâché, chicken wire and crept paper,
06:31as was, mercifully, Brian Blessed and the rest of the cast.
06:35Wait a minute.
06:37Why, if it isn't Doctor Who.
06:38Hello there, Doctor.
06:39I have to be safe from the Daleks here, sir.
06:45Oh, gosh, no.
06:46What's there ahead of us?
06:50For you, just in time,
06:52the Doctor's new young assistant
06:53has managed to dismantle their heads and immobilise them.
06:57And get good luck out on the left
06:59for one of our star comedians, Mr. Alexander Sale,
07:02doing one of his faintly amusing comedy skits.
07:05Can I just have the house lights up for me?
07:12I don't usually do this.
07:12Can I just have the house lights up?
07:13Because there's somebody very special here tonight,
07:16somebody very talented
07:17and somebody rather super here tonight.
07:20Me!
07:21It's me, yes.
07:23I'm not just dead talented, though.
07:25I also... I'm very intellectual.
07:27I also work with me brain.
07:29I use me head to break concrete.
07:31I'm also actually a very sexy person.
07:36I'm a very sexy person, yes.
07:38I'd like to show you how sexy I am,
07:39but the front six rows have to move back a bit, you know.
07:44Actually, my willy's in the Guinness Book of Records.
07:48That's where I leave it when I'm not using it.
07:52I was having a meal out with my girlfriend a while back,
07:55and we had enough vegetables,
07:57and the waiter came up to me and said,
07:58excuse me, sir, would you like a knob of butter?
08:01I don't think so, no.
08:10You know, the Dutch philosopher and theologian, Spinoza,
08:14who, in his Tractoris Tractorum in 1345,
08:18posited the theological...
08:20What, have you heard this one before?
08:25You know, I've just been to America.
08:27I'm very big in the States,
08:28and one of the things that you can do when you go to...
08:30I am, and one of the things that you can do
08:35when you come back from the States
08:36is you can ponce on about all the movies that you've seen
08:39that won't be out in Britain for years, you know.
08:41And I've seen all the latest movies,
08:42I've seen all the follow-ups,
08:43I've seen Three Skeletons and a Little Old Lady.
08:47I've seen Aliens 4, West Bromwich Albion 5.
08:55And I've seen a black militant version of the 1989 Oscar winner.
09:00It's called Driving Over, Miss Daisy.
09:02You know, it's a very tough business, show business, you know.
09:08And, you know, a lot of people in show business
09:10actually get very mentally disturbed, you know.
09:13And I'm actually a very stable person myself.
09:17Some people say that I'm actually paranoid,
09:19but I don't think I'm paranoid.
09:21Mmm, mmm, everybody off, come on, everybody off.
09:25No one gets out, you bastard, get down.
09:29Sometimes, though, sometimes I do actually get the feeling
09:31that I'm being bugged, you know.
09:33I do get the feeling that I'm being bugged.
09:35And I get the feeling that the CIA are going round
09:38planting microphones everywhere, you know.
09:40But I really...
09:41Ah!
09:41Ah!
09:41While ironing a mackerel.
09:58Sue, who the hell's that?
10:04Good morning, we're from Third World Sweatshops Limited.
10:07I understand you've agreed to both come and work for us
10:09on starvation wages and a life in permanent slavery.
10:12I beg your pardon?
10:13We've got the chains here,
10:15so if you'd like to slip into them now,
10:16it'll save time later on.
10:18Look, I think there's been some mistake.
10:19Yeah, I think you signed this form, didn't you?
10:22Yes, I did, but this says
10:23I claim my Vauxhall Calibra 16-valve Roadster
10:27as won by me in your £50 million prize draw.
10:31Exactly.
10:32Which I'm afraid means you've agreed to spend
10:33the rest of your life down a hole
10:35welding ashtrays in the Philippines.
10:37Oh, fair enough, then.
10:41Ted and Ruby Robespierre of Frimley Green
10:44are just the latest in an alarming number of couples
10:47falling prey to modern direct marketing techniques.
10:51The method is simple.
10:52First, the customers receive a letter
10:54claiming they are the recipients of a lavish prize.
10:57But when they try to claim the prize,
10:59it's a different story.
11:00Morris and Mimsy Felt of Harlow Newtown
11:04were told they had won a £60,000
11:06German-designed hand-built kitchen
11:08in weathered walnut.
11:10Two days later, they were nailed into a crate
11:12and shipped to Santiago to mine manganese.
11:16Mr. and Mrs. Kenneth Bry-Nylon of Plasto
11:19were sent a telegram
11:20saying they had been selected by computer
11:22to receive their weight in sapphires
11:24every day until Christmas, 1999.
11:28But after signing the forms,
11:29they found they were legally bound
11:31to spend six months training with the US Marines
11:33to form a beachhead in Cuba.
11:36Ha-da-da-da-da-da-da
11:38Ha-da-da-da-da-da-da
11:40Ha-do-do-do-ya-da-da
11:43Ha-do-do-do-ya-da-da-da
11:45Who are you?
11:46Who are you?
11:46You are!
11:47You are!
11:48Da-doo-da-da-ya-doo-da-da
11:50Ha-ya
11:51He's gonna break the supermarket
12:05That was the last in the current series of Agatha Christie's Pluto.
12:19Next week, the return of Agatha Christie's Pernod,
12:22in which Scotland Yard are forced to call in a small bottle of green absinthe-based spirit
12:27to help solve the baffling case of an elderly spinster
12:30who is found stabbed to death first in cold blood and then in hot tomatoes.
12:35Soup.
12:44You're watching London Weekend Television.
12:52It's boring when people tell you their dreams.
12:55You know, people say,
12:56Oh, I had, like, this really amazing dream last night.
13:00Right, and all these amazing things happened.
13:03Of course they did.
13:04It was a bloody dream.
13:06If they'd been walking down the street in real life
13:09and they'd seen a giant 12-foot blue turtle eating George Bush,
13:13you'd be interested.
13:15Well, you'd be a bit interested.
13:17But do people have to live inside their dreams these days?
13:21Because the world outside is so awful.
13:24Well, no.
13:24I mean, I'm a very well-adjusted, happy person.
13:28People often ask me how I achieve this.
13:31Well, I'll tell you.
13:32When people tell me problems, ask me what I think,
13:40I say the world's a lovely place
13:42If you've had much, if you've had much too much to drink.
13:47There's no cause to be mean and evil.
13:50Just drink a pint of Shivers Regal
13:54And start squawking like a seagull
13:58I'm pissed, I'm pissed, I'm pissed
14:01I'm pissed, I'm pissed, I'm pissed
14:05When I start talking in Cherokee
14:09Then I realise
14:12Oh, son me!
14:15I'm pissed, I'm pissed, I'm pissed
14:17I'm out shopping for some pies
14:21They start to sting before my eyes
14:25Then I think, surprise, surprise
14:29I'm pissed, I'm pissed, I'm pissed
14:33Here come the lizards
14:36Here come the lizards
14:38Here come the lizards
14:41In Camden Town, I met a gal
14:53She soon became my dearest cow
14:56I called her
14:58I'm pissed, I'm pissed, I'm pissed
15:04I come down for a drink or three
15:08Then you know what happened to me
15:12I woke up dead in casualty
15:16I'm pissed, I'm pissed, I'm pissed
15:20Here come the lizards
15:23Here come the lizards
15:25Here come the lizards
15:27I'm pissed, I'm pissed, I'm pissed
15:32I'm pissed, I'm pissed, I'm pissed
15:36Janet Street Porter being worked underneath by wires
15:41And as we exit the dummy pub set
15:44You can see ahead of us a BBC studio audience
15:48Now, this audience was used in 1960 for the black and white minstrel show
15:52And has been kept in a BBC warehouse under a tarpaulin ever since
15:58As you can see, each member of the audience is constructed in a workshop
16:02Using plasterboard, chicken wire and latex
16:05And the laughter effect is added later
16:08Using the sound of Percy Edwards imitating a flock of incontinent starlings
16:12One of the things about being an entertainer is that you spend a lot of time on the road
16:24Staying in lonely hotel rooms like this one
16:27And it's very hard to try and lead a normal life
16:30For example, if you want a drink, the only alcohol available is in the minibar
16:34It's full of all these tiny miniature bottles
16:37Honestly, it's like trying to get pissed in Lego land
16:40I read in the paper yesterday about how somebody paid
16:44One and a half million for a Rubens miniature
16:47I'm not staying in that hotel
16:49Food's a big problem as well
16:52And I've actually written a cookbook for people who are on the road
16:57It's full of recipes and also handy tips like
17:01How to cook bacon in a Corby trouser pit
17:04Eating in roadside cafes is pretty grim as well
17:12I don't know if you've ever noticed, but the symbol for a happy eater restaurant
17:15Is actually a picture of a man sticking two fingers down his throat
17:19Sure, when we get to the gigs, we try and do things differently
17:25For example, at gigs, we don't use bouncers
17:28We use social workers
17:29Any trouble and they take your kids off you
17:31But the worst thing about
17:33Hello and welcome back to Wakey Wakey Rise and Shine
17:39With me, Bunty Bimsy
17:41I mean, a slug wearing a yellow tie
17:43After eight today, we'll be discussing ovarian cysts with Gary Glitter
17:48And following that at eight, 20, we'll be talking about
17:52With the current fiscal reallocations in the latest treasury estimates
17:55And with me now in the studio to be quizzed, grilled and generally subjected to rudeness and abuse
18:00Thinly disguised as investigative journalism
18:02Is the Minister for the Arts
18:04Minister, how does this scheme work exactly?
18:07Well, I think we must start
18:08Don't give me that crap
18:09Sorry, my underpants
18:12How you can possibly sit there and defend the policy
18:14I myself live in a cardboard box as I defend
18:17And see no shame in that
18:21And in a sense, it seems to me that Norman is asserting the ability of all of us
18:25To fall on top of Mr. Grimmsdale
18:27And in a sense, it seems to me
18:29Your gas going will be telling us about hormone replacement therapy for your paper dollies
18:33Get me, Kyle
18:34What's today's disease, Louise?
18:37Well, of course, a uterine pole up
18:39Is a very serious matter for those involved in parachute jumping
18:42By two masked thugs who set about her and beat her up
18:45As she was returning home with her pension
18:48Mrs. Wiblet's vicious and thoroughly cowardly attack on your 80-year-old grandmother
18:53Many people would say she had it coming to her
18:55Begging my pardon is all fine and dandy, Mrs. Wiblet
18:59It doesn't explain why you allowed a frail old lady out on her own at that time of night
19:03It was ten o'clock in the morning
19:05Ten o'clock in the morning here, Mrs. Wiblet
19:07But two o'clock in the middle of the night in downtown Los Angeles
19:10Crack peddlers slit your throat first and ask questions later
19:13I mean, how you can possibly sit there and defend a policy?
19:16One of those nice walnut whips
19:18With the nice big hazelnut on top
19:23As you can see from the chart
19:26It's just going a little colder as the day goes on
19:29And in a sense, I think it seems to me
19:31So with the time, coming up to 7.30
19:34It's time for a look at the weather with Patrick
19:36Good morning, well, it's certainly
19:38Well, you say that, Patrick
19:39I don't suppose it's a very good one for the 5,500 still without water and electricity
19:42After last week's hurricane
19:44Now, are they supposed to be managing in sub-zero temperatures?
19:48Well, I don't know
19:49Well, you don't know or you don't have
19:50If I could bring in the Minister of the Arts and Mrs. Wiblet here
19:53And how you can possibly lie there and defend a policy?
19:58The golden rhododendron of Teddington
20:00As well as the silver and bronze buttercups of Cricklewood
20:04And the prix du Hammersmith flyover
20:06The incomparable Monsieur Aubergine
20:09Will you look after my gerbil while I buy an ice cream, Monsieur Aubergine?
20:36Why, certainly, Jacques
20:37One of the slight mental quirks
21:07That I have
21:07Is that I feel that I've left something in the dry cleaners
21:11I hope it's not an elephant
21:12I've stopped keeping elephants, though
21:15They were playing hell with me sex life
21:18Me girlfriend's very strict
21:20She wears her hair in her bun
21:22It's a sesame seed bun that she got from McDonald's
21:25I actually met my girlfriend through the lonely hearts column of Watts Chainsaw magazine
21:33There's an enormous number of those specialist interest magazines these days
21:37For example, there's Nut and Boat Collectors Monthly
21:40There's Amateur Gynecologist
21:43There's Armadillo Impersonators Quarterly
21:46And, you know, all these magazines actually have their own film, television and drama critics
21:51Here's Socket Set magazine with one of its theatre reviews
21:56The Leicester Haymarket production of Uncle Vanya
21:59Starring Vanessa Redgrave
22:01Alexi Redgrave
22:02And Redgrave the Wonder Horse
22:04May brilliantly capture the claustrophobic nature of bourgeois pre-revolutionary Russia
22:08But is disgraceful for the total absence of socket sets in Acts 1 and 2
22:14In Acts 3, things are slightly enlivened by the appearance of some Allen keys and a small adjustable spanner
22:21But it's not until the 4th act that we see our first 9mm cone ratchet
22:27And, of course, it goes without saying that
22:30Now, here we are
22:37Now, this is a specially built set which the BBC has used for its coverage of every May Day parade since 1953
22:44Many of you will have seen it many times on the 6 and 9 o'clock news
22:48But if we take a little detour around the back here
22:51You can see it's just a two-dimensional facade painted on scenery made from chicken wire and sugar glass
23:01And here are some more, look
23:03The famous pyramids setting for the Arab-Israeli conflict in 1973
23:08All nothing more than a few skillfully painted backdrops and a blob of polystyrene
23:12All these effects are so convincing that a lot of viewers believe that the people and events on the news
23:20Are actually real
23:21Did you know that when Newsnight announced the death of Harold Macmillan
23:25Several viewers actually sent in wreaths and letters of sympathy
23:28Well, that concludes today's tour, ladies and gentlemen
23:33On our way out, there'll be a brief stop at the BBC gift shop
23:36Where, if it were open, you could buy a Radio One pension book cover
23:41A cuddly Marmaduke hussy
23:43Or a BBC videotape of a well-known series you could have recorded off-air for nothing
23:48Why not try and visit the BBC canteen?
23:51Well, you'll find that out very quickly
23:53Yeah, OK, thanks, see you, bye
23:58OK, who's next, please?
24:00There you go, lovely
24:05All right
24:07Now, how do you like it, then, sir?
24:09Er, if you could just take a couple of bells off sides
24:12All right
24:13And tidy up the fringe
24:15OK
24:16Please
24:17All right
24:18So, er, you're not at work today, then, sir?
24:24I'm just taking an hour off
24:26Uh-huh
24:27And, er, what is it you do, then?
24:30Light engineering of some kind, or...?
24:32Er, no, I'm a fool
24:34Sorry?
24:35I'm a professional fool
24:37My official title is Master of Her Majesty's Jokes and Japes
24:41Basically a court jester
24:42Oh, I didn't know they still had those
24:45Of course, I prefer the surrealistic sight gags, personally
24:49You speak for yourself, darling
24:57As a royal jester, my duties begin quite early
25:01On an average day, I'll arrive at the palace around 7.15 a.m.
25:06Morning, Sir Michael
25:07Morning, Sir Michael
25:08Good morning
25:09At 7.40 prompt, I enter the Duke of Edinburgh's bedroom
25:13Just as he's getting dressed
25:15And to the cry
25:16A pox on thy garboils
25:17Thy riggish ninny
25:18I smack him three times on the bottom
25:20With a wet pig's bladder
25:21And he finds this amusing, does he?
25:23No, he doesn't, I'm afraid
25:24He takes a very dim view of it indeed
25:25And usually summons a member of his security staff
25:28To hurl me bodily out of a third-story window
25:30Basically, both the Queen and Prince Philip
25:33Are extremely embarrassed by my eccentric behaviour
25:36And usually try to pretend I'm not there
25:38So, what exactly is about to happen now?
25:44Well, inside this room
25:46The Queen is holding a private audience
25:48With the acting High Commissioner of the Somali Republic
25:51And I'm going to caper in, strumming the lute
25:53And put a live chicken down his trousers
25:55The problem is that due to a hereditary disease
26:14Dating back to her German ancestors
26:16The Queen possesses no sense of humour of any kind
26:19The inability of the Queen and her family
26:23To laugh at anything unless they are poked with a stick
26:26Can be directly attributed to a hundred years
26:30Of relentless royal inbreeding
26:32The present monarch and her husband
26:34Both great-great-grandchildren
26:36Of the most miserable woman in history
26:38Are merely the latest examples of this bizarre phenomenon
26:42Dr Zogg, how does this theory explain someone
26:46Like the Duchess of York
26:48Who, to all intents and purposes
26:49Possesses a very lively sense of humour
26:51Ah, yes, she does
26:53But this is all due to a special injection
26:56That we give her once every four hours
26:58Rather like nitrous oxide
27:00Which enables her to laugh like a simpleton
27:03At almost anything she sees
27:05To be a teapot
27:07A lamppost
27:09Absolutely anything at all
27:11Occasionally, the dosage gets a little bit too high
27:14And then she has to be trussed up inside a sack
27:17Until the effects have worn off
27:19Oh no, Your Royal Highness
27:20No, you don't want to take any notice
27:21Of that rubbish that I do in my act
27:24No, I'll just throw that in
27:25For a bit of fake credibility
27:27I really hate that we can do this again sometime
27:30You know, perhaps yourself and His Royal Highness
27:33So just shut up, alright?
27:35You bloody social palisade
27:37Fear, who are you looking at?
27:39But it doesn't end there
27:41I don't know
27:44I don't know
27:45I don't know
27:46If you have any thoughts on that
27:48You're looking at
27:49I don't know
27:50You're looking at
27:51All that
27:52You're looking at
27:53You're looking at
27:54The truth
27:55You're looking at