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00:00Half past the hour of four o'clock.
00:24How long now before the Thatcherite social revolution transforms the face of Britain?
00:31Eighty-seven and a half years.
00:33Thank God for that.
00:36Why, if it isn't Phileas Fogg?
00:39Gentlemen, I have heard it said that in this modern day and age,
00:42it is possible to circumnavigate the globe in 80 days.
00:46Oh, heavens! We'll all wager money on that!
00:49Then off I go!
00:54There, gentlemen! What did I tell you?
01:00Incredible! Miraculous!
01:03You've won the bet fair and square!
01:05Oh, wait a minute. We only have his word for it.
01:08How do we know he really went around the world at all?
01:11Gentlemen, you cloak me in shame.
01:15I shall make a second epic voyage, and this time I shall bring back proof!
01:25There you are, gentlemen.
01:27A photo of me playing croquet with the King of China and Chief Sitting Bull.
01:32Incredible!
01:33Incredible!
01:34Proof and deniable!
01:35Quite simply, the most extraordinary thing we've ever seen in our lives!
01:39Fancy that!
01:40And now I go to deposit this at my local High Street bank!
01:44Diary of Phileas Fogg.
01:46Six and a half weeks in this queue now.
01:49And hopelessly behind schedule.
02:04My hopes of reaching the third little chromium-plated pillar by the late spring are fading fast.
02:21Day 79.
02:22At long last, I have passed the side table with the special investment account leaflets on it.
02:31And then, tragedy strikes.
02:34I am attacked by a giant squid.
02:42Yes, it's 50 years of that colourful cartoon character, Alexi Sayle!
02:48Who's the leader of the game that's great for you and me?
02:52A-L-E-X-E-I-S-L-Y-A-L-E!
02:55Who's the lovely bastard that's got a lot of TV?
02:59A-L-E-X-E-I-S-L-Y-A-L-E!
03:02Alexi Sayle! Alexi Sayle!
03:07We love to hear you swear on the TV!
03:09He-he-he-he!
03:11He-he-he!
03:12Everybody gives me tears, except the BBC!
03:15A-L-E-X-E-I-S-L-Y-A-L-E-X-E-L-Y!
03:19Alexi Sayle!
03:21Alexi Sayle!
03:22Who is that fat bastard?
03:24And we have two spaghetti vongolet and I'll have the deep-panned pepperoni and the giant squid.
03:33I've got this hobby. It's called drinking.
03:54I always know when I've had enough because I fall over, throw up and hit a policeman.
04:01One problem though that I do have with drinking is the...
04:04The blackouts!
04:08Yeah.
04:09Do you ever get those?
04:10You just have a couple of glasses of lager and then suddenly everything goes black.
04:14And the next thing you know, you wake up next morning completely naked in an unfurnished flat in Istanbul.
04:21And a man comes to the door and says,
04:23We've got the turnips for you now, Mr Saunders.
04:29People say that drinking at an early age can cause mental problems.
04:33I don't think that's true. I mean, I've been drinking since I was 14 and I've never looked back.
04:38I don't like to look back because I might see the giant lizards and the bats that follow me everywhere.
04:48You know what I think?
04:49They should give you them doggy bags to take away your leftovers.
04:52Well, I think they should also give you a doggy bottle.
04:56Just in case your Alsatian fancies half a litre of the house red that you haven't been able to finish.
05:01One other problem that I do have connected with drinking is, you know, they have this thing called sleepwalking.
05:10Well, I actually suffer from sleep drinking.
05:14So say you're sitting in a restaurant late one night and I come over to your table with a funny look on me face
05:20and I eat all your food and drink all your wine.
05:23Please, please, please don't do anything.
05:26It could be really dangerous to try and wake me up.
05:28You might kick your head in.
05:33I used to come to this restaurant, you know, with my ex-girlfriend.
05:37She was Italian.
05:39When we first met,
05:41when the stars formed a twinkling canopy
05:44and the moon shone down over Venice.
05:49Or was it Lowestoft?
05:52Set beside the rolling splendor of the Norfolk Broads,
05:55Lowestoft is renowned for its sandy beaches, quaint fishing communities and picturesque cobbled streets dating back to the Middle Ages.
06:05Few people realise that despite being the most easterly point of the British Isles, catching the icy winds of the North Sea,
06:12Lowestoft, in fact, has a climate similar to Barbados.
06:17The Marine Esplanade enjoys temperatures in the 90s all year round.
06:23And despite the occasional tropical hurricane, is still the warmest place in the Northern Hemisphere, with the exception of Alaska.
06:29But if you're the adventurous type, why not take advantage of one of the many excursions Lowestoft offers the discerning tourists.
06:39The Great Pyramids of Lowestoft are just a short bus journey away from the town centre.
06:45Or, if you feel really athletic, why not take a trip to the Lowestoft Alps?
06:50Nestling between the Birdseye Fish Finger Factory and the Sparrows Nest Winter Gardens with Robbie at the Hammond Organ,
06:58Lowestoft's majestic peaks rise to 6,500 feet above sea level.
07:04Why not write now for a brochure to the Lowestoft Publicity Office, 42, the Champs Elysees de Lowestoft,
07:12the Lowestoft Riviera, France, 1431.
07:20THE END
07:30Joan of Dom Remy, known also as Maid of Orleans or Joan of Arc,
07:35you stand today indicted on charges of gravest heresy against the holy orthodoxy of the state,
07:42of sorcery and witchcraft, of sedition and insurrection.
07:46And I gather you also have a new book out at the moment, is that right?
07:48Yeah, that's right. It's called Joan Alone, it's published by Methuen and it's in the shops now, 1495.
07:55Well, we look forward to rushing out and buying that.
07:58Now, can we talk about your acts as a blaspheming heretic who mutinied against the throne of England
08:05and laid siege to the armies of Henry VI at Orleans for a moment?
08:08Somebody once told me that you heard some voices.
08:11Oh, right, the voices, yeah. Well, it was while I was plotting the restoration of the Dauphin, right, and I heard like these voices from God,
08:21which infused me with the spiritual courage to carry out my chosen purpose.
08:25And they're all on the album, are they?
08:29Apart from the first one, which we've issued separately as a 12-inch remix.
08:34They're both out now on the Virgin label, as of course am I.
08:38Great, Joan. So, if you get the opportunity to catch Joan this week, it's, er...
08:44Tomorrow on Friday, I'm being arraigned for apostatic declension before the Grand Cardinals of Burgundy.
08:50Saturday, I'm turned over to the English to stand trial for treason.
08:53And Sunday, I'm being burned at the stake back here in Rouen.
08:57Well, look forward to seeing the video of that one. For the time being, thanks very much indeed, Joan of Arc.
09:03We were actually a very God-fearing family. That's because every Saturday, God used to come down to our house and beat us all up.
09:21I was in a church recently, though, because I was there for a wedding, and I was best man, so I had to give a speech.
09:27I gave one a Lenin's from 1903 for the expulsion of the Mensheviks.
09:33It's an enormous industry, isn't it, really, weddings?
09:36I mean, there's all these wedding magazines, like Bride to Be, and Bun in the Oven, and...
09:42And Gunter Barnsley.
09:45And the frock, it was this concoction, and it come from, like, a wedding shop, a shop called Pro-Nupture.
09:51I mean, what does that mean, Pro-Nupture? I mean, is it French for the moment before bonking?
09:57Hey, hello, I'm Pro-Nupture.
10:03I had a rendezvous with my girlfriend the other day.
10:06And she said, I'm sorry, but I'm 20 minutes late.
10:09I said, that's still a bit early to start worrying if you're pregnant.
10:15I've actually got a bit of a confession to me.
10:19I'm not a virgin.
10:22I've done it.
10:23Done it once.
10:25I'm not doing it again. I got my head stuck.
10:28I've actually got this great new girlfriend.
10:31She's a mermaid.
10:33But she doesn't have sex.
10:35She's been totally halibut for two years now.
10:37She's very successful, my girlfriend. She's very successful.
10:40She's something in the city. She's a lamppost.
10:48How are things looking on the ICI Equity?
10:51I don't care. I've got 500 thou riding on this, for Christ's sake.
10:55I've got my arse on the line here, Nigel.
10:58Matthew's got his nose on a bacon slicer.
11:02And Jeremy's got his foot down a manhole.
11:04Simon's got his right elbow wedged in a sandwich toaster.
11:08Eric's got both ears sellotaped to a hay threshing machine.
11:11And Martin's got his knee on a hamster and his dick in a pork pie.
11:14We're talking 15% hard commission here.
11:17So you tell those brokers over at Chase Manhattan that we mean business.
11:21Yeah.
11:24Send the next patient in, would you, nurse?
11:27Good morning.
11:29Good morning. Mrs Syntax, isn't it?
11:32Now, what can we do for you?
11:34Well, I was wondering if you might have a look at my son, doctor.
11:37He's been feeling a bit off-colour.
11:39Oh, dear. Well, take deep breaths.
11:41Very good. Now, open wide and say R.
11:45R.
11:47Mmm.
11:48I'll give you 50 quid for him.
11:5150 pounds? We thought he was worth at least 100 for medical experiments.
11:55Yeah, he's very smart.
11:57Yeah, hi, Barry. How's tricks on Wall Street?
12:01Look, 60 or you can walk.
12:03Well, all right then.
12:05Nurse!
12:07Yes, Doctor?
12:08Pay the lady, would you?
12:10With the opening up of our national healthcare to free market forces,
12:13provision for the welfare of Britain's patients has never looked rosier,
12:16with perfect bodily well-being for all, everlasting wonderfulness,
12:20and the miraculous healing of the sick and the lame.
12:23By opting across to the private sector of our health service,
12:27patients can rely upon first-class treatment, whatever their medical problems,
12:31be it hip replacements, replacing hips, replacement of hip joints,
12:36joint replacement in areas such as the hip,
12:39and, of course, long-term geriatric care as outlined in our private health insurance prospectus.
12:45Yeah, this is in fact a direct debit warrant,
12:48stapled to a note which reads,
12:49I promise never to be ill under any circumstances.
12:54Hip replacement, that's another one.
12:57One woman who had her hip replaced privately was Mrs. Beryl Luka's aide of Lowestoft.
13:02Well, I've been suffering with a lot of chest trouble.
13:06I had this really nasty cough all the time.
13:08So, I rang up the doctors,
13:11and within minutes they came round and showed me the brochures.
13:14They said the best thing for a person in my condition would be an artificial hip.
13:21And where did they fit this artificial hip?
13:23Uh, were at first on top of the telly, just next to the clock.
13:29Yeah, didn't really seem to help, to be honest.
13:33So, they said they'd come back in a month's time
13:35and fit another one underneath the wash basin in the bathroom.
13:39And rather foolishly, I signed the forms.
13:42Another woman who rather foolishly signed the forms
13:45was Mrs. Mavis Inkwell at Hartlepool.
13:48We were thinking of going on a caravanning holiday this year.
13:51Oh, that's nice. Whereabouts?
13:53Uh, up B roads, mainly.
13:55If they're narrow enough, you know.
13:57You like to drive really slowly to collect a lot of traffic.
14:01That's always nice.
14:03What's the bishop doing?
14:05He looks like he wants to go out.
14:08Perhaps he wants to do something.
14:11Do you want to go out?
14:15All right then, out you go.
14:17Go on, out you go.
14:18Yes, yes, yes.
14:21Would you want to go out or not?
14:24Oh, God.
14:27He does this six or seven times a day.
14:30How long have you had him?
14:32Since he was a deacon.
14:35We thought we'd go up B roads,
14:37unless we could get an extra wide caravan,
14:39big enough to clog up the arterials, you know.
14:41Oh, you could tow it on the back of a tractor and then you could...
14:45Where's the bishop gone now?
14:48Bishop! Bishop! Bishop! Bishop!
14:50Where's he gone? Where are you?
14:51Where is?
14:52Look, on top of the cupboard.
14:54Oh, get down!
14:56I've told you before, you're not allowed up there.
14:58Come on!
14:59Down!
15:00Get down!
15:02Honestly, he's such a nuisance.
15:04You know, once we lost him for...
15:06Ooh, it must have been three or four days,
15:08and then finally when we found him,
15:09he was curled up behind the water tank.
15:11Why do they do that?
15:12I don't know.
15:13Come on, come over here.
15:15Come on.
15:17How do you know for you?
15:19There you are.
15:21Now, I want you to play with that, alright?
15:25In the year 1900,
15:27there was just one statistic in Britain.
15:30Within six months, this figure had doubled to 11.
15:34Today, in this country,
15:35there are more than 2,500 million statistics,
15:38many of them sleeping rough on St Pancras Station.
15:41By the end of the century,
15:42there will be 187,000 statistics
15:45for every 62.4 men, women and children
15:48per capita on a Friday
15:50down the side of the big armchair in the living room.
15:53Or, to put it another way...
15:55Oh, I'm really getting into this health kick, you know.
16:03Yeah, I've given up smoking.
16:06Because apparently, if you smoke 100 cigarettes,
16:08it takes five years off your life.
16:10So, if I smoked 500 cigarettes, I'd be nine.
16:16I'm really sporty now.
16:18Yeah, I play squash.
16:19Every day, I spend two hours pretending to be a bottle of Kiore.
16:23I've got a new diet.
16:24It's a high-fiver diet.
16:26It's actually a chipboard diet.
16:28I eat two flat-pack wardrobes a day.
16:31Yeah, I don't shop for my groceries at Sainsbury's anymore.
16:33I buy them at MFI.
16:35It's really important in the candy business to keep in good shape.
16:43Another thing you need is a really good...
16:45Uh...
16:46A really good, um...
16:48You need a really good, uh...
16:51And now, on BBC Two, it's time to return to the Grosvenor House, London,
16:58where we rejoin David Dimbleby for part two of this year's glittering...
17:03Memory!
17:04That's it.
17:05You need a good memory.
17:07Yeah.
17:08I'm actually a member of an amnesiac self-help group.
17:12Our headquarters are somewhere in the south of England.
17:15I don't quite remember, were they?
17:17We have a lot of nostalgia parties, you know.
17:19Ah!
17:21No.
17:23Ah!
17:25No.
17:26No.
17:37To present the next award,
17:39we welcome one of this country's most outstanding
17:41and best-loved, glitteringly exquisite individuals
17:44in the world of our most marvellously wonderful people
17:47who couldn't be here on doctor's orders today.
17:50She first won our hearts with a captivating debut at the age of 13
17:54in the film Tiger Bay,
17:57following it up with such great classics of the British cinema
18:00as Pollyanna, The Family Way and Sky West and Crooked,
18:05in which she was directed by her famous father.
18:09She is, of course, Sergeant Les Pickering
18:11of North Romford Police Station!
18:20Thank you, thank you.
18:21Um, that was Hayley Mills, actually.
18:25What a dreadful mistake, I'm so sorry.
18:28No, no, no, it's alright, lots of people mix us up, you know.
18:33Actually, actually, I remember one most amusing incident,
18:37while I was on riot duty in Lambeth.
18:39And a young lad paused in the act
18:42of a lobbing half a breeze block at my head
18:46to exclaim,
18:48Take that, you fascist pig, Hayley.
18:52That's for being shite in Whistledown the Wind.
18:56With Alan Bates.
18:57And now, the nominations for the best performance on desk duty
19:05after 6.30 are as follows.
19:09Sergeant Ron Gibbs of North Bed's Constabulary Biggleswade Section,
19:13Constable Reg Henderson of Q Division Greater Manchester,
19:17Constables E.L. Higgs and Spaz Lewis of Bow Street Central London,
19:21and Constable Des Perbright of Kidderminster.
19:29And the winner is...
19:31Des Perbright of Kidderminster!
19:33Now, unfortunately, P.C. Perbright can't be with us this evening,
19:46as he's currently in Hollywood, directing Traffic on Sunset Boulevard.
19:51But earlier today, we did arrange for him to receive his award
19:55from Susan George.
19:59Thank you, Susan.
20:00This award doesn't belong to me.
20:05If you know who it does belong to, or recognise the stolen property,
20:10then why not give us a ring?
20:12This duty is not just the work of any one man.
20:16It's a team effort.
20:18And I therefore like to spank WPC's Edna Teasdale and Monica Foskett
20:23for several hours at a time.
20:25I'd also like to spank Patsy Kensett and Valerie Singleton
20:28for even longer.
20:30And I'd like to whip and indulge in acts of flagellation
20:33with Moira Stewart, Dame Vera Lynn, and the Right Reverend...
20:37Thank you very much, sir.
20:39Thank you very much indeed, P.C. Perbright.
20:41All right, and we now move on to a special award, which is in the Academy's gift,
20:47for the best special effects while cautioning a suspect in a foreign language.
20:51I've got this great new girlfriend. She's marvellous, my girlfriend. She's like a fine wine. She's covered in dust and lives in a cellar.
21:12Oh, I like a laugh. You know what I mean? I mean, there's too much misery in the world, isn't there, eh?
21:20I'll do anything for comedy. I love a laugh. I was in the Paris during the war. Shot me own bollocks off, friend.
21:27I love it. I love it. I love it.
21:36Every night upon the TV, documentaries fill the screen, bringing misery and pain into your room.
21:44An evening's entertainment on the box seems incomplete without a visit to a hospice in Rangoon.
21:53Relinquished his brave but futile fight for life. Head was violently ripped off.
21:59Left homeless when the typhoon ripped.
22:00I like a laugh. I like a laugh. Life is crap and then you croak. It's gonna be some kind of joke. I like a laugh. I like a laugh.
22:14I put me bottom in a buzzsaw if it would make the people roar.
22:21Piranhas in the bar just to give me friends a laugh.
22:25At parties, I do every sketch that Monty Python ever did. It's cause I've got them all tattooed. Inside of me, I live. Inside of me, I live.
22:35I like a laugh. I like a laugh. The existence of the afterlife is all a load of slop. We squawk around the farmyard and then we're for the chop. I like a laugh. I like a laugh.
22:53I like a laugh.
22:55Hemingway Wolf and Edmund Goss are all a dreary bunch of toss. Camel and Sots raise misery higher. I bet they couldn't do half an hour down the acne empire.
23:03And I never listen to what the ecologists say. I just wanna see some alternative cabaret. The news is full of disaster, death and religious schism. But I'm only interested in brainless escapism.
23:19I like a laugh. I like a laugh. Theologists should stop their prying and their poking when you look at the world God must have been so dead.
23:31Oh, dear.
23:33I like a love!
23:35I like a love!
23:37He likes any love!
23:39I like...
23:41I like a love!
23:43He likes any love!
23:47He likes any love!
23:55Are you in heaven, huh?
23:57It costs £500 a week to keep somebody in prison.
24:05Well, no wonder they steal!
24:07I'm an idiot.
24:09I'm a bigot.
24:11I think they should bring back hanging.
24:13I do. I think they should bring back hanging for architects.
24:17String up a couple of architects, right?
24:19You'd have no more crappy centre points or Arndale centres.
24:23In actuality, I think that capital punishment is an obscenity.
24:27I think that modern methods of execution are as barbaric as the old ways.
24:32For example, if Christ had been sacrificed in this century,
24:36he would have got the electric chair rather than crucifixion.
24:39So all Catholics, instead of going like that,
24:42they'd have to go...
24:45Ah, good morning, Father McGinty!
24:47Zzzzzzzzzzzz!
24:51As a result of that last joke,
24:53the Church of England subsequently issued its own equivalent
24:55of a death threat against Mr. Emerson Sale,
24:58calling upon vicars everywhere
25:00to go round to his house for a cup of tea and a quiet chat.
25:03Mr. Sale has now gone into hiding,
25:05and his tea bags and chocolate biscuits
25:07have been placed under armed guards.
25:09The BBC would, incidentally, like to make it clear
25:12that it totally disassociates itself from the views of Mr. Sale,
25:16and that it is, in fact, a firm supporter
25:18of all capital punishment, hanging, guillotining,
25:21and barbaric executions of all kinds.
25:28Do you have anything you wish to say
25:30before the execution is carried out?
25:32Yes.
25:36I would just like to thank Sir Dickie Attenborough, Dame Judi Den...
25:40APPLAUSE
25:52Alexi Sale is currently appearing in
25:54Run For Your Underpants
25:56at the Whitehall Theatre, London.
25:58APPLAUSE
26:00MUSIC PLAYS
26:04MUSIC PLAYS