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00:00yeah fuck you shit five hours on blitzkrieg this isn't how it was meant to be week's holiday
00:28i was gonna get to grips with the roman republic get into the gi diet can't stop now gotta win the
00:35war for the nazis am i enjoying this don't know anymore doesn't matter gotta finish the level
00:42then read those do some sit-ups learn the clarinet okay bye well how's your sister she'll be here in
00:51an hour my sister yes your sister she's coming to stay remember i left you a message do you mean
00:57the pizza coupon with sus musk question mark written with a burnt match yeah she rang a couple of nights
01:03ago she's broken up with her husband she's coming to stay yeah hold on sarah's broken up with simon
01:09that's terrible never get my ipod speakers back now still on the bright side the base response was
01:17pretty awful so sarah great to see you yeah we haven't had a chance for a proper chat in ages
01:24i've been chomping at the bit all this crap with simon has brought up so much stuff for me really
01:30you're seeing they have jumbo cashews now yeah i think we're overdue for a big chat aren't we
01:35spill some home truths oh yeah uh-huh of course i was happy enough with the normal size but
01:40nothing lasts all the shit that went on at grange terrace before the move get it all out
01:45because it's so hard when you're trying to work through this family stuff on your own isn't it
01:49why do the people who want to talk about things always win why can't the people who don't want
01:53to talk about things win it's great isn't it getting everything out in the open i think so
01:58but a lot of men don't see it that way they're just not comfortable talking about emotions
02:03i think it's different when you're a musician you're a musician yeah i'm a musician i really think
02:08that music really opens you up emotionally a lot of musicians like me feel that way i think that's
02:15grace oh my god he's doing it his routine he's doing his routine on my sister yeah mark's not too
02:23musical he bought a clarinet but he uses it to hit a symbol she's laughing she's laughing at his jokes
02:30yeah it's great jeremy getting everything out in the open isn't it have you told sarah how you're married
02:35and you've got chlamydia and you're still in love with big sous it was a visa marriage it's symptomless
02:40and it's a platonic love as you might have for a dog or a sandwich be back in two ticks
02:52i see you i know what you're doing what you're gonna try and sleep with her aren't you
02:57i can see it in your eyes look mark she's your sister i know that yeah promise me you will not
03:06try to sleep with her i promise i will try not to sleep with her
03:15sir you slept with her you promised i promised to try not to yeah well you didn't try very hard did
03:22you mark i tried incredibly hard just turns out it was literally impossible not to hey honey i called
03:30frank about the clerking job should be fine for you to fill in come in ten ish cool thanks
03:37they're rubbing it in my face it's like i've got his member in my face yeah easy money turns out
03:43getting a job doesn't involve spending hours and hours making sure every single word on your cv is
03:48spelt right eh mark nothing means anything to you does it friendship loyalty they're just
03:55fusty old words like sixpence and codpiece to you aren't they oh mark mate it isn't like that at all
04:03she's in a vulnerable state jeremy she's not a refugee mark she's a 29 year old solicitor
04:08with a great ass ah don't say that i know what you do with the electric toothbrush and the the
04:16bum stuff oh my god i can't believe i'm even thinking about it couldn't you find anyone else to
04:23shag mark mate look this wasn't just a shag as soon as i met her i had these strong
04:32almost uncontrollable feelings you'll say anything won't you words don't mean a thing to you do they
04:38i think i think i love her i think i've fallen in love with her you can't blame me for falling in
04:43love with her can you no i guess not it's just i don't believe you oh right well there's not much
04:52i can really do about that is there unless you want me to buy her like the biggest puppy or heart
04:57shaped cushion in the world is that literally what you want me to do buy her a puppy the size of digby
05:03the biggest dog in the world if i don't pay it's okay if i don't pay it's okay oh god four hours of
05:13my precious holiday wasted face it the days are right off might as well just carry on must be something
05:19to puncture my thickening shield of numbness just a minute this is fine there's nothing to be embarrassed
05:26about nowadays looking at pawns just like lying to parliament he used to be wrong but now it's just
05:30a great big funny joke big suz oh hi mark i was after jez i need someone to run my lines with is he
05:39uh no uh jez is he's not here he's with my sister they've started going out actually god wow
05:48he's moving on what are the lines oh i just got a part in the stage version of the movie crash you
05:56know the the one about people who feel sexy when they think about road traffic accidents god she's
06:02beautiful how did jeremy ever i guess she's just a bit stupid not interrupting am i what were you up
06:09to oh no just a bit of internet research right looking at nudie ladies research my god she's not
06:17stupid she's incredibly perceptive don't worry what tell sophie no god no nothing like that i wish
06:25no historical sophie wouldn't want to know about boring old history i'll actually turn that off i
06:31was just heading out salad and a hawksmore church hawksmore my god i think my mom's related to a hawks
06:37more about a million times removed god she's so posh that i mark corrigan who was privately educated
06:43until dad's british aerospace shares went kaput could be her bit of rough but i can't remember listen
06:49i mean if you want i mean you probably don't want to but you'd be very welcome to i'd love to
06:58that really was a great church wasn't it so beautiful i know they're probably just waiting for
07:04the last few christians to die out and then they'll convert it into a prestige living space
07:08oh god she's just so incredibly lovely she's probably got a title she's just too modest to say
07:15lady big sus and lord mark no don't get ahead of yourself just focus on trying to lean her towards
07:23ecclesiastical architecture and away from disco dancing come on keep up yeah but watch out though
07:30come on your tail i'm hawksmore your wren oh my god i've fallen in love with her of course brilliant
07:39how incredibly predictable what a total fucking dope
07:44ah this is the life i'm eating over the five fruit and veg a day managed to cut jeremy down to one he
07:51still thinks potatoes count the arsehole i'm winning i'm not gonna get cancer and he is i mean i don't
07:57want him to but if one of us is gonna get it which we obviously are i'd rather it was him you're looking
08:03well thanks and you're back from work how is work how's work how's work he says you've seen the killing
08:13fields right what's big sue's doing here oh she's just emailing her agent about the play
08:19hmm that is tickety-boo she said you two have been out oh yeah we just popped to the british museum
08:28and then to the imax to watch a 3d film about the rolling stones block of fudge the what what's going
08:35on do you fancy her are you in love with her what my god jeremy of course not no yeah well you better
08:43not be oh and thanks for telling sarah that i'm in love with her normally when people are in love
08:49and sharing a bed contrary to all prior arrangements they like to shout it from the highest mountain
08:54etc look i'm in love with her all right it's just you know she wants to talk about it a lot which i'm
09:01fine with but you know while i'm eating a jacket potato potato perfect hey mark sorry but i think i
09:09might have deleted your email address book oh that's fine don't worry you are in love with her
09:15what no i'm not yes you bloody are you practically crucified me the day i changed your home page
09:21no it's just i have a paper copy i know you corrigan how dare you you've got no business being in
09:28love with big sues there's enough people in love with her already she's full jeremy i am not in love
09:32with her anyway how come you even care about sues if you're so in love with my sister i don't
09:37care i'm just interested well you seem pretty angry for someone who's just interested well being
09:44interested sometimes makes people angry mark i thought that was common knowledge
09:51oh yes the healthy life haven't surfed for filth for days and i've almost forgotten the images
09:57that are seared into my brain forever oh sorry not getting much sleep they found asbestos in my
10:05airing cupboard so i'm on a camp bed in the hall well if it all gets too much for you you can always
10:10crash at my place oh thank you so ready oh yeah i'm ready ready to watch your lovely bottom before
10:18i have a heart attack hey wow i'm actually good at this maybe i'm a natural yeah i'm a jogger of course
10:25there had to be a sport for me i just never realized i'm a natural jogger feel the legs like two great
10:32steam locomotives pumping away i'm cram i'm a vet i'm unstoppable i'm jesus is that a stitch i
10:40fuck i think i'm gonna be sick i've gotta slow i need to walk oh i think i'm gonna puke i'm literally
10:47gonna die what an idiotic boob i was back 10 or 11 seconds ago
10:51this is so kind of you mark i'm getting a wink on the camp bed but if soap's coming over or i'm
10:59cramping your style you must let me know oh no it's fine i don't have a style really so no cramping
11:06don't get excited just lie on the floor at her feet like the faithful dog i am i will protect you big
11:13suze if any intruders come i will attack i will bite mark it's crazy you being down there on the
11:19floor when there's loads of room in the bed hop on in i don't think really relax mark i promise i won't
11:28steal your half of the duvet or anything great do you know what you are mark a big cuddly grouch ball
11:39it's like sharing a bed with fozzy bear oscar the grouch maybe something could happen in the same bed
11:46human nature might take its course kind of like a modern day eunuch aren't you mark
11:53yes i suppose so i know what i'll do i'll wait till she's asleep and then touch her hair
12:00just as much hair touching as i like
12:02how can mark be in love with big sus it's like swaziland trying to invade china it's a bloody
12:11political joke yeah well while you're failing to get anywhere at all with my ex mark i'm doing the
12:18nasty with your very own sister not really in the moment though what's wrong got my sex mix on is it
12:26oh she can't oh does she she does she smells like mark she must use the same talcum powder who still
12:34uses talcum powder oh bollocks gotta get into this you know if you want you could then you know slip a
12:42finger up my ass what at my bum at my bottom why on earth would i want to do anything to your bottom
12:48no sure sorry oh oh oh now that is tickety-boo oh my god that's she's mark i've basically got my penis
13:10inside mark so are you really gonna do this dinner for four you me big susan sarah you're such a
13:19bastard steady on my mushroom stroganoff isn't that bad okay look um i know you're gonna say no to this
13:26but i said i'd ask sarah's looking for a place to stay for the next few months and i said probably not
13:32because it's a small flat and that's your view and there'd be bathroom issues so oh no i'm sure we
13:37can work it out it would be a shame to break up the love bird unless i mean you do want her to stay
13:44don't you well yeah of course i mean obviously mark that's obvious i'd be very very happy then you're
13:52just going to have to take responsibility for your actions for once why should i have to take
13:59responsibility for my actions i just do my actions it's not like i spend hours and hours thinking about
14:04them what kind of life would that be how was he oh actually sounds like it should be fine see i told
14:11you this is going to be fun now look i've got all your files out i've got a nasty feeling your national
14:18insurance affairs aren't in order christ there's a mark in here and a mark in there i'm surrounded
14:26i thought sarah was going to join us mark told me how much in love you are with her
14:30she must be amazing um yeah no she's great she's on the phone but oh that's nice that's a nice thing
14:38to say so what is it especially that you you know love about her oh i couldn't possibly oh come on
14:48i mean is she the one do you think it will last no i mean i you know i hope it does but um nothing does
14:55does it so i'm just being realistic he's bashful but i see brother-in-law material there so um suze
15:05how's everything with uh your bloke what's his name oh we finished actually jess so no need to twist
15:10the knife thanks oh suze sorry i i had no idea i i'm here for you uh jeremy i think your girlfriend's
15:19crying your sister really that that was definitely sobbing jez but she was taking a call from your
15:28dad mark so maybe if it's family stuff you should yeah well even if it is family stuff frankly i don't
15:35want to know about all the infidelities and heartache and you know if uncle lance was touched up by the
15:42vicar and that's why he's such a tit at christmas well i'm sorry but i just don't want to hear about it
15:47she does sound very upset all right yeah fine i'll go and talk to her it'll be good to hear about
15:55everything while she's talking i'll just use my mind to think about other things
16:00she can't stop my mind you okay love bumps do you want to talk about it
16:07jess honey listen great here we go this is an hour of my life i'll never get back
16:13while mark and big suze do lovely chatting i get put through the emotional mincing machine
16:18that was simon we're going to we talked and we're going to give it another chance
16:26you are simon you are a god oh wow i'm so sorry honey bear i just feel
16:34sorry okay sarah sarah look i've got to go we're meeting at cafe rouge for a summit and a steak
16:44adios amigo oh my god she's actually going she's going freedom in five four three two
16:54one ole ole ole ole feeling what are you dancing a jig for jeremy oh you know i'm just happy
17:03i just heard the jamiro choir playing reading i love those guys where's sarah gone
17:08uh she's off to meet simon they're um they're getting back together you're loving this aren't
17:14you this has worked out perfectly for you hasn't it no not at all oh come on jez this is me you're
17:20talking to there's no need to pretend oh no need to pretend well maybe it's time you stop pretending
17:25not to be in love with big suze what what are you look yes all right the fact is she is a beautiful
17:34woman that's just a fact a blind man could see that but i mean i'm not going to do anything
17:42i'm just like a kind of blind eunuch looking at a painting okay fair enough my carefully nurtured
17:51public image succeeds once again let's crack open the gin
17:57huh brilliant total lack of self-control drunk himself out of contention he was really guzzling
18:04wasn't he is he okay just very very upset about sarah i think they really had a bond all right
18:16susan are you okay i don't know it's just i mean my sister's just come off a moped in zikinthos
18:25and she might have to have a pin in her leg and she flew budget so it'll be a nightmare coming through
18:30airport security the only airline that really understands is ba oh yeah i know they're great
18:39aren't they here we go my god i'm gonna have to learn to ride a horse oh this looks like a very
18:48sweet scene just what exactly is going on here hi jez i was just telling mark about tour and her moped
18:54you realize what he's doing in here don't you cheers he bloody loves you it's pathetic
19:00i bet you've got a hard on haven't you what no of course i haven't she was telling me about
19:06well stand up straight take your trousers off no don't be ridiculous if you're innocent you've got
19:10nothing to hide have you come on let's have a look no let me feel it it's hard isn't it no and even if
19:15it was it it wouldn't prove love it's just a human body oh right it's a human body suddenly you're
19:21admitting to having a human body you're no bloody eunuch that's for sure i'm going to answer the door
19:28now mark but i'm coming back for you and your cock he was lying he was lying all along that
19:36asshole what simon i looked at his phone when he was in the loo there were texts today's all hugs
19:41and bloody kisses she's back this is a nightmare you don't do you have feelings for me mark this is it
19:52go for it tell her betray sophie destroy jeremy no god no as you know i i'm in love with sophie
20:05because i thought honestly susa i like you sort of but not even really that much
20:14i mean you're very you know horsey you're the horsey type not not that i've got a chip on my
20:22shoulder but you know you're sort of a a throwback a kind of a a marie antoinette figure let them
20:30eat cake not that she ever said that it's a mistranslation but you know big stupid posh head that's
20:40you how am i going to get out of this she's like one of those horrible big turds that just won't
20:47flush if you want i could call you a cab it's so good to be back where i'm safe look we have got so
20:54much to talk about oh right yes of course i'm just gonna clean up okay oh please simon take her back
21:06jez listen i need a drink do you fancy a drink
21:10uh i can't really because
21:16yes hold on give me five wicked see you in the pub
21:23well happy now listen uh i'm just going to the pub with big suz sarah's in the loo in a bit of a
21:28state will you tell her i finish with her no way absolutely not i'm not letting you leave
21:33you've got to face up to your responsibilities just uh be nice about it though because i really
21:37do love her and tell her it's not her it's me and i've got commitment issues yeah jeremy you bloody
21:43what what's where's jez oh sarah i blimey look the thing is look it's really not my responsibility to
21:56tell you this jeremy's gone all right he's he's pissed off he's left and i'm not gonna do his
22:03dirty work what does he work well he the dickhead he he wanted me to dump you for him if you can
22:09imagine that he's dumping me i should just be honest i owe her that at least just tell her he
22:15fucked her and now he's chucked her look it's not you it's him he has certain commitment issues you're
22:22loving this aren't you i'm really not yes you are you never wanted me and des to be together
22:28you're very very controlling and i really think you need to talk about why that is i really don't
22:33and if you could stop the talking for just one minute then maybe jeremy and simon wouldn't keep
22:40on dumping you oh great brilliant thanks thank you very much mark see you later great okay so i've dumped
22:51my sister that's great that feels good i'm intrigued to see what i'm going to do next
22:56maybe i'll ring up granddad and tell him i think he's a boring twat
23:09paranoia paranoia paranoia everybody's coming to get me
23:14to say you never met me
23:17i'm running under crap with the moles
23:19if you get hoes
23:26you