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00:00Hi there, I'm George Bernard Shaw, and as a seminal socialist playwright of the early
00:1320th century, I'm often asked about beauty-miss press-on fingernails.
00:20Becoming 16 pretty shades, and a handy press-on action means there's no messing with inconvenient
00:26glue or varnish when it comes to writing those monographs some parenthetic dramatic idly.
00:32And when it's time to write Pygmalion, you simply snap off and store in this nifty little
00:38container ready for next time.
00:41Neat, hey Bertolt.
00:43Right, George.
00:44And I'm wild about my new beauty-miss heated hair rollers.
00:50Beauty-miss's no-snag toggles mean perfect curls every time.
00:55So, while I'm pioneering a new form of socio-political theatre using pseudo-realistic alienation techniques,
01:02my heated rollers are giving me the style I want at a fraction of the price in a salon.
01:09Beauty-miss, personal beauty products.
01:12Because who said socialism can't be styled?
01:25Hi there, and welcome back to another award-losing series of Stuff.
01:39The show that's been ripping apart the academic and scientific communities with its advanced
01:45theories on the nature of the universe and the stuff what's in it.
01:48This week, do scientists consider the moral dimension?
01:53Because recently, defence scientists have developed a device
01:56which kills people in the most gruesome, hideous way possible
02:01and yet leaves buildings standing.
02:04It's called a mortgage.
02:08Defence. We spend millions every year, billions, in fact,
02:12on useless defence research,
02:14with the justification that there's always a spin-off into the domestic market.
02:18Well, is this true? I suppose so.
02:21Recently, I did buy an armour-plated, heat-seeking ironing board.
02:26Me old one was requisitioned as a landing strip in the Falklands War.
02:30In this series, we hope to examine a lot of the great mysteries of the universe,
02:35such as why do ships vanish in the Bermuda Triangle?
02:39Why do salmon swim upstream to spawn?
02:41And why do people keep giving Ken Russell money to make films?
02:47Just making another one, you know.
02:48One of the most influential of Western thinkers was Nietzsche,
02:54who, in his book, also Sprach-Valthusia,
02:57was the first to possibly notion of...
02:59Hi there. I'm Dick Van Dyke.
03:01Hope you are too.
03:03And I just popped by to wish my old pal, Alexei Sale,
03:06a very happy 50th birthday.
03:10Hello, John Goddard, you motor.
03:15Hello, John Goddard, you motor.
03:18You know, sometimes it's hard to believe that this cute little fella
03:21is really just an animated cartoon character.
03:24Right, Holly?
03:26Right, Dick.
03:27I guess we make him seem so real.
03:29You forget he's actually nothing more than a sequence of drawings,
03:32all run together.
03:36It's not an easy one to do.
03:38That kind of surly, scouse snarl.
03:41It's sort of...
03:43Down here, like.
03:44All right, this is a number I did in the Milton Keynes bowl
03:48before somebody threw up in it.
03:51Of course, Alexei Sale wasn't always the sophisticated character we know today.
03:5650 years ago, he was just a twinkle in the eye of his creator,
04:00the late Walt Disney.
04:02From the block of ice, where he's now frozen
04:05in a state of cryogenic submersion,
04:07Uncle Walt sent this message.
04:10Happy birthday, Lex.
04:15It certainly doesn't seem 50 years since we made history together
04:19when you starred in the first talking cartoon back in 1939.
04:30From tea to pain in the larder
04:33Half a pound of woosley
04:36What do you think of Shirley Williams?
04:39I want to go to the tunnel I let
04:41Who's the leader of the gang that's great for you and me?
04:49A-L-E-X-E-I-S-L-Y-L-E
04:52Who's an ugly bastard dad that's great for me to be?
04:56A-L-E-X-E-I-S-L-Y-L-E
04:59A-L-E-X-E-L-E-L-E-L-E-L-E-L-E-L-E-L-E-L-E-L-E-L-E-L-E-L-E-L-E-L-E-L-E-L-E-L-E-L-E-L-E-L-E-L-E-L-E-L-E-L-E-L-E-L-E-L-E-L-E-L-E-L-E-L-E-L-E-L-E-L-E-L-E-L-E-L-E-L-E-L-E-L-E-L-E-L-E-L-E-L-E-L-E-L-E-L-E-L-E-L-E-L-E-L-E-L-E-L-E
05:29Canteens are funny places, aren't they?
05:32They seem to serve food that you don't get anywhere else.
05:35You know, dishes like gammon steak Mombasa.
05:39Sautéed spam rings, Puerto Rican style.
05:44It's kind of humbling for me to think how, over the years,
05:49so many great and famous celebrities have sat here.
05:53Of course, these days, there's only me.
05:55Back in the 60s, in the golden age of television,
05:58this place was packed with stars.
06:01There was the cast of Zed Cars.
06:02There was the cast of the Wednesday Play.
06:04There was Titch and Quackers.
06:07They hated each other, you know.
06:09There was Nogging the Nog.
06:11There was Nogbad the Bad.
06:13And, of course, there was Puff the Magic Dragon,
06:15who always used to pop in here
06:17for his favourite Shrimps Montego.
06:20I mean, these days, television, I mean, the trouble with it is,
06:30everything is run by accountants.
06:33I mean, no matter what you want to do...
06:36I'm afraid you may have to wait a few weeks for your dessert, sir,
06:39whilst we carry out an audit on your apple turnover.
06:42You know, I'm a very versatile comedian.
06:48That means I'm crap at everything.
06:54It's a very cutthroat business, this comedy business,
06:57and recently an attempt was made on my life by another comedian.
07:01What he did was, he got a load of them plastic carrier bags
07:04and he sent them to me through the post,
07:06but he crossed off the warning about sticking them over your head.
07:11Too clever for him.
07:13Just in the nick of time, I wrote the warning back on.
07:18Hang on, what's happening?
07:21Who is without?
07:23Tis I, brother,
07:25with one who wishes the darkest secrets to be revealed to him.
07:29Then let him be brought forth to uncover the secret of secrets.
07:42Greetings, brave initiates,
07:44from all we gathered here
07:46of the worshipful brotherhood of the pencil box.
07:51I beg your pardon?
07:52For thus it is inscribed in the holy notebook,
07:55written many thousands of pencils ago
07:58by the great architect we call Cardinal Eagle H.B.
08:03And whose name we cannot say,
08:05for it was written in pencil and got a bit smudged.
08:09Now, prepare yourself to demonstrate your bravery and courage
08:13in a grave test involving the most excruciating pain and agonising...
08:18Excuse me.
08:19I only came in for some paper clips.
08:21What?
08:22I only came into the shop for some paper clips.
08:24And then I happened to say, what about some pencils?
08:27And before I knew it,
08:28two men had grabbed me and dragged me through a secret panel.
08:30Do you or do you not wish to join the worshipful order of the pencils?
08:35No.
08:37Oh, fair enough, then.
08:39But you have seen our most sacred shrine,
08:42and you must therefore have both eyes poked out with an orange pencil,
08:46your lead removed,
08:48and a giant propelling pencil inserted right at your...
08:51Ah, no, no, sorry.
08:52I mean, yes.
08:53Yes, please.
08:54I would like to join.
08:55So mote it be.
08:57Brother 3H, the blindfold.
09:00Right, Inspector.
09:01Inspector.
09:02Shhh!
09:03Oh, sorry.
09:04And now, invoke ye the sharpener!
09:08The sharpener!
09:31Morning.
09:32Morning.
09:33Morning.
09:34Morning.
09:35Morning.
09:36Morning.
09:37Morning.
09:38Morning.
09:39Morning.
09:40Morning.
09:41I've been a successful comedian.
09:43I've now bought a little house in France,
09:45in the lovely little village of Fiff-Bac-Le-Tik-Toc.
09:49And every year the village is given a Christmas tree
09:53by the grateful German people,
09:55in thanks for their collaboration during the Second World War.
09:58It was very traumatic for me, moving house.
10:01It brought out all these kind of weird animal instincts.
10:04I felt like a cat,
10:05like I wanted to spray me scent everywhere.
10:08Cost me a fortune in blue Stratos.
10:11Things are going really well, you know.
10:14I've just bought a new watch.
10:15Yeah.
10:16New watch.
10:17It's a good watch, this.
10:18It's a diver's watch.
10:19I had to drown him to get it.
10:21Now I'm a well-established comedian.
10:23I play golf with Jimmy Tarbuck.
10:26Well, I creep through the bushes and try and club him to death.
10:33Young comedians really admire me.
10:36And occasionally I'll see a young comedian in a club
10:39or somewhere who's fast, funny, original,
10:42got interesting things to say.
10:44And in that case,
10:45I will always make a point of going backstage,
10:47of meeting that young comedian,
10:49of talking to him
10:51and telling him he's completely crap.
10:55Give up comedy
10:56and become a carpentry teacher in Norway.
10:58I want the competition.
11:00But one free piece of advice I will give to young comedians is,
11:03it's not what you say,
11:05it's the way that you say it.
11:08Oh, honestly, you piss me off, you audiences.
11:14We spend hours writing exquisitely honed gags,
11:17we spend millions on elaborate visual effects
11:20and we get the biggest laugh
11:22from me saying,
11:23it's the way that you say it.
11:26Oh, you really annoy me, you audiences, you know.
11:29You sit there at home,
11:30you pay 68 quid for your TV licence
11:32and you expect us to entertain you.
11:36Sounds fair enough, really.
11:40Hello.
11:41These majestic rainforests behind me
11:44have dominated the Iquitos Delta
11:46here, deep in the Amazonian Basin
11:49since before the dawn of time.
11:52And yet, in only 18 months from now,
11:54it's estimated that the...
11:56This housing estate in Woolston
12:02has dominated the landscape here in North London
12:05since before the dawn of time.
12:08It's an estate where unemployment is rife,
12:11street violence is rampant.
12:14And the fabric of life is but a gutted shell
12:17of a pale shadow of a vestige of its former fabric.
12:21Small wonder, then, that the community here
12:24has been absolutely devastated
12:27by the most crippling industrial action
12:29to hit Britain in decades.
12:31The nationwide film critics strike.
12:35Well, we're just living from day to day, basically.
12:37I mean, last night, I had to get my husband's tea,
12:40change the baby's nappies,
12:42and prepare a critique of Renée Clare's tenue de soiree
12:45without any help from social services.
12:47Well, I don't think it's right.
12:49My mum does pop round twice a week
12:51to give the kiddies some contemporary insights
12:53into German expressionist cinema.
12:55But, I mean, she's got arthritis.
12:57You can't expect her opinions.
12:59This makeshift film review in a public lavatory
13:02on Tyneside is the only critical assessment
13:04of the French nouvelle vague
13:06some families have seen for months on end.
13:09While 80-year-old Mrs. Bessie Ligament,
13:11a disabled widow living inside a roll of lino
13:14on Macclesfield rubbish tip,
13:16is expected to die of terminal incredulity
13:18if someone doesn't explain to her
13:20what a brilliant auteur Roland Joffe is
13:22within the next 48 hours.
13:24With the crisis deepening,
13:26it was inevitable that a state of emergency
13:29would be announced and the troops called in.
13:32LAUGHTER
13:45Good evening.
13:46This week I have been to the NFT
13:48to see a retrospective of the work
13:50of the Italian new wave film director, Visconti.
13:54It was crap.
13:56LAUGHTER
13:57I'll tell you one of the things I hate,
14:05is when you go to the cabaret or theatre
14:08and the performers get off the stage
14:10and start interfering with the audience.
14:13Now, I really hate that, don't you?
14:15You used to get a lot of that sort of stuff
14:16in fringe theatre, didn't you?
14:18And they say, like,
14:19yeah, we're going to kind of interface with the audience
14:22in a bi-motic interrelation workshop mode, you know?
14:26Care-relating actors and performers
14:28and the audience together
14:29in a workshop-moded situation, you know?
14:33Actually, anybody who uses the word workshop
14:36who's not connected with light engineering
14:38is a twat.
14:39LAUGHTER
14:42I hate it.
14:43I hate it, especially when comedians
14:45get off stage and mess with the audience, you know?
14:48I mean, I think it's...
14:49LAUGHTER
14:51I think it's really unethical, you know,
14:53because, sure, you get a laugh,
14:55but it's a cheap laugh, really, isn't it?
14:56You know, a cheap laugh of embarrassment, essentially,
14:59because, you know, it's just really easy
15:01and you start prodding people
15:03and messing with them
15:04and, sure, you're getting a cheap kind of laugh,
15:07but I just think it's disgraceful
15:09that somebody should sit to that kind of thing,
15:12poking people and prodding them
15:14and messing with their clothes, you know,
15:16and doing...
15:18God, isn't it a humiliating job being a comedian?
15:21LAUGHTER
15:22My dad would be embarrassed if he could see me now.
15:25Mind you, he used to sexually molest elephants for a living.
15:29LAUGHTER
15:32God, I wish I had a proper job.
15:35I wish I was a computer programmer,
15:38though I'd have to have half my brain removed.
15:41Then I'd wear white socks, a suit from next,
15:43and those nasty grey leather shoes.
15:45Not the wall of the office, the company message would be spelt.
15:50You don't have to be a truly boring dick to work here,
15:54but it helps.
15:56LAUGHTER
15:57That's a proper job, a proper job.
16:02That's a proper job, a proper job.
16:06But instead, I'm the sad-faced clown
16:10who picks you up each time you're down,
16:14who makes you laugh when you feel like crying.
16:19But don't you see, inside I'm dying, dying.
16:26I wish I was a dispatch rider out in the rain asleep,
16:31to prove myself a bike backwards down any one-way street.
16:35I wouldn't mind the crashes, the skids, the scrapes, the slips,
16:39cos in my mind I'm a motorised horseman,
16:44of the apocalypse.
16:47That's a proper job, a proper job.
16:51That's a proper job, a proper job.
16:54But I'm the fool who shouts and sings
16:59Every time you pull the strings
17:04I'd like to show you what loving me brings
17:08But all you see is my funny things, things
17:13Proper job, that's a proper job.
17:17Proper job, that's a proper job.
17:20Proper job, that's a proper job.
17:23Proper job, that's a proper job.
17:27Proper job, that's a proper job.
17:31I wish I'd worked in a cake shop selling fancies and strawberry slices.
17:36By three o'clock we'd clear the shelves and make love on the coconut.
17:40And for the staff, there'd be free rolls and hot soup to swill.
17:45And when the boss wasn't looking, we'd fiddle the till.
17:52That's a proper job, a proper job.
17:56That's a proper job, a proper job.
18:01And you, sitting there at home.
18:05You only see the jokes, not the flesh and bone.
18:10You'd tear me off like that if I wasn't funny.
18:14It's just as well that I earn far too much money.
18:27That's the thing about us British, isn't it?
18:29We can laugh at ourselves.
18:32Drugs.
18:33I'm very much against drugs.
18:35I think if you want to get horribly out your head, what's wrong with going out and having 93 pints of real ale?
18:42You know, scruttock's old, dirigible.
18:46With the twigs and the bits of beak still in it, you know.
18:48Going out and having 93 pints and then rounding off the evening with a tortoise findaloo.
18:55Good evening, sir.
18:56Good evening, sir.
18:57And what would you like to throw up tonight?
18:59Well, er, I think the Checha madras with the basmati rice, you know, make a nice kind of pointillistic pattern on the floor, don't you think?
19:09It's odd, isn't it, eh?
19:10You know, you get tanked up on lager, you go out and then what you really fancy afterwards is a curry.
19:16The really odd thing is that the same thing happens on the other side of the world.
19:20If you go round New Delhi at closing time, the streets are full of millions of pissed Indians throwing up steak and kidney pies.
19:28I do definitely drink too much, though.
19:33I mean, I thought that Alcoholics Anonymous was a group for people who bought supermarket's own brand whiskey.
19:40You see all that cheap whiskey in the supermarket, don't you, with the weird names like the Laird's Varnish Remover or the Highland Toss.
19:49I do drink too much because people say to me, Alexi, what did you get for Christmas?
19:53And I say, I got drunk.
19:56Nevertheless, despite that, I am very concerned about the level of alcohol abuse amongst young people.
20:03And this is for those young people who are watching this show right now but have had far too much to drink.
20:11Blah! Blah! Here come the lobsters! Blah!
20:17Blah! Blah! Blah! Blah! Blah! Blah! Blah!
20:28And now the headlines again.
20:30In Bonn, Chancellor Kohl has given a cautious welcome speech delivered earlier this week by Mr. Bush in Helsinki.
20:39He said he would need to study the details, but at first sight they appear to represent a major shift in Washington's position with regard to the continuing stalemate between the two countries over a mutual East-West nuclear disarmament program.
20:53The two leaders are expected to meet later on this month, though a precise date has not as yet been announced.
21:00The White House is also said to be very glad to eat.
21:09Well, back in London, news is just coming in that the Prime Minister has now completely run out of disaster victims to visit.
21:17And so she left Downing Street today in the TARDIS to visit victims of the bubonic plague in 17th century London.
21:26After that, Mrs. Thatcher will then begin a whistle-stop tour of other historical disasters, expressing her deep condolences to the survivors of the Crimea, Agincourt, Rourke's Drift, Pompeii, the sacking of Rome by Alaric the Visigoth, and the attack of the giant man-eating centipedes on the planet Calufrax.
21:47Dismissing criticism of her visits as electioneering, she told reporters the Daleks do a very difficult job for which we should all be thankful.
21:56And we should talk less about them exterminating people and more about the wonderful opportunities they provide for the electronics industry.
22:04Isn't she wonderful?
22:15I thought it was the squalid poverty and plague virus borne by rat fleas from the East Indies that made this such a hideous hellhole of death and degradation.
22:26But now I realise it's all due to loony left-wing councils.
22:31She touched my forehead and I was miraculously cured of all ills.
22:41She told me she fully understood the acute postulating agony I was in, as she had herself once had some unwanted facial hair removed by electrolysis.
22:52Then she cut off my child benefit and left.
22:58Shortly afterwards, Mrs Thatcher reversed the controls of the TARDIS and rounded the day off with a visit to one of her own national health hospitals ten years in the future.
23:13People say that comedians are insecure. Well, that's certainly not true of me. I mean, I'm not insecure.
23:19Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah!
23:27In fact, my career's going very well.
23:29The work's going very well in the States.
23:31Recently I got a job at Universal Studios in the baking department.
23:38One of the things you need when you're in the States is a big entourage.
23:42A gang of paid flunkies who cater to your every whim.
23:46After all, you don't keep a dog and make a mess on the carpet yourself now, do you?
23:50So, I've got two agents, Burgess and Maclean.
23:55I've also got my own personal shepherd and my own personal octopus handler.
24:00I'm also so big in the States that I actually endorse a range of products.
24:04I've got my own range of perfumes called Alexi Sales Smell.
24:10You often find that a lot of performers over here in Britain, you've got, like, really right-on reputations,
24:16go over to the States and do adverts that you'd never see them doing in this country.
24:20Like, for example, Sir John Gielgud actually advertises pile ointment.
24:25Oh, for a mule of fire that would ascend the very heaven of invention.
24:30A kingdom! Oh, me bomb! Oh! Oh, me bomb! Oh!
24:36Yes, live from Las Vegas, it's International Heavyweight Murder.
24:42Hello and a very good evening to you as you join us here at Caesar's Palace
24:47where the atmosphere is electric.
24:49In anticipation of tonight's main battle between the British contender Dave Morphy Richards,
24:55a 27-year-old deputy school librarian from the nice part of Stepney,
24:59and the Boston Strangler, a deranged homicidal psychopath,
25:04undefeated so far in 13 cases of first-degree murder.
25:09Seconds out, round one.
25:12And so, this is it. The moment we've all been waiting for.
25:19Oh, my goodness, what a surprise. A real change of technique.
25:23Therefore, the Strangler pulling off a devastating Smith and Weston
25:26to the body there in the first ten seconds of round one.
25:30Dave, a magnificent show you put up for Britain there.
25:33Yes. They said I'd be strangled in the first minute,
25:36but I gave them something to think about before they shot me.
25:40Right. What about the future? Any plans for a rematch?
25:44I'm not making any decisions yet, Harry.
25:46I'll probably go home now, die, and then see how it goes.
25:52So, there we are.
25:54And so, from Las Vegas, it's now back to London
25:56for highlights of this afternoon's Rugby Union International at Twickenham.
26:00So, a great day for the Welsh fans, then, as their team leave the pitch invigorated and supremely triumphant here at Twickenham.
26:11Darling! Hello!
26:13Hello, darling! Mwah!
26:14Mwah! Mwah!
26:15Mwah!
26:16Was I all right, darling?
26:17Oh, darling, you were wonderful, honestly!
26:21Gareth!
26:23Darling!
26:24Mwah! Mwah!
26:25Help yourself to whine, darling, would you?
26:27You know, when I missed that conversion just before half-time, I thought I was going to die!
26:33But thanks for kicking me in the bollocks to cover it, darling.
26:38I saw your face and I said to Clive, didn't I, Clive?
26:40Oh, yeah.
26:41I said, he's missed it, I said, and he knows he's missed it.
26:43I know!
26:45Dreadful house today, didn't you think?
26:46Oh, terrible, darling, for the coach parties!
26:49Yes, I know!
26:50And they don't...
26:52Roger!
26:53Do you know, everybody, Sophie, Clive, Gareth?
26:58Yes!
26:59We met at Headingley, wasn't it?
27:00You elbowed me in the kidney in a loose wrap with darling Billy Beaumont!
27:03That's right!
27:05Oh, a million years ago, darling!
27:07Darlings!
27:08The Peepers!
27:12Oh, oh, oh!
27:13Listen to this, everybody, listen, listen, listen.
27:15Today's home international at Twickenham was an intellectual desert unredeemed by any oasis of recherche exposition.
27:22The scrums were naive, the line-outs miscast, and the best that could be said is that you come out humming the floodlights.
27:31Well, congratulations!
27:36Roger!
27:37Darling, it's Ken Russell on the phone.
27:39He said he saw you nut those two wingers in the crutch and he wants to sign you up for his new movie!
27:45Darling, what is it?
27:46Apparently it's for Walt Disney.
27:48Oh!
27:53Oh!
28:04Oh!
28:05Alexis Ale is currently appearing in Not Up My Trousers You Don't at the Aldwych Theatre London.
28:41I'm wishing
29:06I'm wishing
29:08I'd like to laugh.