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00:00Well, we still have a little time to spare before the next programme, so what better
00:09way to fill it than a few moments with Lord William Rees-Mogg.
00:30We're very sorry about that, and BBC recorded the wrong channel by mistake, but rest assured,
00:41it won't happen again.
00:44Wow! Gee, that was good. Wasn't it great?
00:51I tell you, I'm mighty tempted to go and buy one of those myself, Sally.
00:54Me too.
00:55So, tell us what's next on offer.
00:57Well, Mort, how many times have you been out on a date, having dinner or going to the
01:01movies or whatever, and you think, gee, I really wish I had an elastic band on my nose?
01:07Gosh, I think I know just what you mean, Sally.
01:10Such a simple thing, and yet how often do you get caught out?
01:14Well, I think this could solve it for you.
01:18Oh, wow. That looks neat, Anna. That would come, I guess, in one size fits all, would
01:25it?
01:26It's simple, it's elegant, and so hard-wearing, and at $29.95, it really won't put a strain
01:32on your pocketbook.
01:33And I guess when I took it off, I could just fold it right up and stick it up my ass.
01:37Mort, you can find how versatile this is. You could stick it just about anywhere and it
01:42wouldn't be out of place.
01:44So, that's the dream of an opportunity. You really won't want to miss out on girls. That's
01:48our Home Shopping Network Coronado elastic band. An exclusive offer at an unbelievable $29.95.
01:55There's the number to ring. Just call Collect. We accept MasterCard, Visa, Amex, Disney dollars,
02:01or any of your children in part exchange. You know, I think I saw Tabby Winnet wearing
02:05one of those the other day, Sally.
02:06I think I did, too, Mort. Well, now, listen, girls. Right about now, it's that time of
02:12the year, office parties and what you will. I'm sure a lot of you will be thinking about
02:16nailing a dead budgerigar to your forehead. But listen, for $33.50, you won't see better
02:22value than this.
02:23Oh, Mort, that is such a steal. Isn't it? You know, I never to this day can figure out
02:33how they can come up with that kind of quality at these prices.
02:36Right. Well, you can team it up with slack, skirt, or just your regular pantyhose.
02:40Okay, everyone, this is the number. Just call us right now. We'll mail it to you direct.
02:46Now, Mort, I want you to take a look at this. Oh, my, Sally, this is...
02:53This is 120 pounds of horseshit, Mort. Gee, it truly is, Sally.
02:59Now, this is genuine American crap, Mort, and I tell you, the folk out there won't want
03:04to be without it. You can wear it to the ball game, you can serve it at dinner parties.
03:08It really does have 101 uses. You know, I think I saw Alexi Sale talking this only the other
03:14one. I think I did two more. But here he is now.
03:21Out of the night, as bold as brass on a moped, he's to remastered.
03:30Hooray!
03:31It's past when a gay cat's a bee with his blade, a bee that stands for bastard, bastard.
03:37One of the most disturbing things about nearly all governments is that they're
03:42still a bee that stands for bastard.
03:44One of the most disturbing things about nearly all governments is their cynical pragmatism.
03:51Long before the end of the Second World War, the Allies were planning to recruit and pardon
03:58many sinister Nazi scientists. Dr. Werner von Braun, father of the deadly V2 rocket, Siegfried
04:02Mahler, the evil biologist, and perhaps most sinister of all, Dr. Scholl, father of the
04:09Volk's Sandal, a secret project to have every German wearing at least one ugly clog by the
04:16end of 1943. But you know what the worst thing about the war was? Hang on. Aren't we doing
04:20this the wrong way?
04:21The wrong way?
04:22The wrong way?
04:23The wrong way?
04:24The wrong way?
04:25The wrong way?
04:26The wrong way?
04:27The wrong way?
04:28The wrong way?
04:29The wrong way?
04:30The wrong way?
04:52Right.
04:54The wrong way?
04:55The wrong way?
04:56Alo, alo. I hate bloody alo, alo.
05:00I mean, it's gone on longer than the war, hasn't it?
05:02And it's caused almost as many casualties.
05:05I don't know about you, but I'm not ready for funny Gestapo yet.
05:09We ain't half Nazis, Mum. I'll bleed in hilarious.
05:15People say to me, as an iconoclastic comedian,
05:17is there anything that you wouldn't make a joke about?
05:20Well, yes, personally.
05:22I would never make a joke about a ratchet screwdriver.
05:26Batchet screwdriver's or school uniforms?
05:35Morning, Mrs. Bleasdale.
05:36Shut up, right!
05:40Morning, Mrs. Sale. What can we do for you?
05:42Well, our Alexei starts at Allsop Grammar School a week next Monday, right?
05:47And I've got a list here for his new school kit.
05:50For a start, he's going to need a new school blaze there.
05:53Right, you are, madam.
05:54Mr. Handley, have we got a 48 fat little bastard?
05:58Coming up, Mr. Rasky.
06:00Right, you'll also need one pair of short trousers, grey.
06:04Three pairs of socks, grey.
06:06One school tie, grey.
06:09Six pairs of underpants, grey.
06:11Six pairs of white underpants, grey.
06:15And a school badge for his sandwiches.
06:17With the eagle crest or the partridge family?
06:19Ooh, grey.
06:21One rugby shirt, one football shirt, one wall of death outfit, a cap, a best cap, a spare cap, a speech day cap, a homework cap, a cap that confers upon the wearer the gift of invisibility, for calling prefects knob ends, and a cap with moose antlers.
06:43Right, there we are.
06:45One pair of reversible plimsolls, some spiked running shorts, a tube of ointment in the school colours for birching practice, and two winciette undervests, depicting the martyrdom of Saint Sebastian by Kenneth Connor.
07:00And you'll be wanting the name tag stitched at the back of his neck in case of theft.
07:04Ooh, yes, please.
07:06And stop swearing!
07:08Oh, booger.
07:10We interrupt this programme to go over to the BBC newsroom, where there's a wine and cheese party, apparently.
07:17So, while we're gone, here on two, we present a few moments with Lord William Rees-Mogg.
07:23We, we seem to be having trouble bringing you that item. In the meantime, here is some music.
07:33Well, we're pleased to say we can now bring you a few moments with Lord William Rees-Mogg.
07:50And first of all, a safety warning. Kids, don't attempt to do this at home.
08:01You know, one of the wonders of our age is all these time-saving, labour-saving devices that we have these days.
08:09You know, for example, it used to take four and a half hours to get to Glasgow on the train.
08:13Now it takes five minutes in the microwave.
08:15Most of these, er, consumer items are the Japanese, aren't they?
08:19And it's not just, er, creative industrialisation and marketing and design that makes Japanese products pre-eminent.
08:25No, most of all, it's actually this little gadget. The Cross-Flow Eliminator.
08:31Now this is the device that enables your Japanese consumer products to break down the exact microsecond that the guarantee is on.
08:39Like the same for that, er, compact display, right? At 3.45 on January the 6th, 1989. At 3.46 January the 6th, 1990. It goes boing, right? And breaks down.
08:49I mean, how come if Japanese products are so efficient and never break down right, how come everybody at home's got a drawer full of seven broken Walkman?
08:58I don't know where they are. They said they'd definitely be here by this.
09:02I'll get it.
09:04This the one, then, is it, sir? The Yamaguchi 6300K with fast text?
09:12That's right.
09:13That's the ticket. Where do you want it set up, then?
09:15Just here, please.
09:16All right, then. Here we go. Down she goes. Just the ticket. Sign there, please. Plug her in there. Here we go. Diddly-doo. Yuppity-yuck.
09:23Thank you very much. And I'll whip it straight back to the workshop. Get it up on the bench. Get the back off. Have a look. See? Sort that problem out for you in no time at all.
09:30It's nothing to worry about. No, nothing to worry about at all. It's just a minor teaving problem. Very common on these models.
09:36Tuesday afternoon, all right for you. I'll see myself out then. Bye.
09:43Hello again there. Lovely Friday afternoon, isn't it? Sorry about the delay part had to come from Nairobi. Bloody Japanese crap.
09:50Still be sorting out that little problem for you. Fixed it all. Well and good. Tickety-boo. She's as good as new.
09:55Down here, was it? Yes, but could you...
09:57You're absolutely right. It's no better than before. I told them down at the depot. I said, he's never going to put up within that condition.
10:03They're supposed to fix it, but the bloody thing's worse than ever. Never mind. Nothing to worry about. We'll get straight back to the workshop.
10:08Sort that problem for you out. No time at all. No trouble whatsoever. Nothing to worry about. It's just a major design defect.
10:14They haven't sorted the tube out yet. Next Thursday, tea time, all right for you. I'll see myself out then. Bye.
10:20What the hell was all that about?
10:24Hello again. Lovely Wednesday evening. We sorted that trouble out for you. No problem this time.
10:29Got you a new set. That old set piece of junk. Dumped it in the Thames.
10:32Got a brand new fresh one straight from the factory this morning. It's just as better as the first one.
10:38So then we'll get straight on to the manufacturers, but I'm afraid there's no more in stock until Easter.
10:42July the 3rd, all right for you. Don't worry. I'll see myself out then. Bye.
10:46I'm going to phone the shop.
10:48Hey, but you know, signore, signora, good stone. Gordon.
10:52I come straight here. Bring toothpaste set from workshop. Workshop?
10:56No workshop. My cousin Pirelli borrow it for a weekend. Okay, send you here, please.
11:01Yes, but can you leave it this time? Eh?
11:04Can you leave it? Eh? Leave it behind. I leave it behind. Yes. Thank you. I nearly forgot.
11:09Okay, Monday afternoons. Okay, I see myself out.
11:15Hello again. Merry Christmas, everybody. Here we are then. One television set in perfect working order.
11:22Look, is this some kind of joke? No, this is some kind of joke.
11:27I came here to the States to play for an American football team. Yeah, the Boston Stranglers. I'm a tight end. At least that's what everybody says about me.
11:44It's a tremendously insular country, the United States. For example, the big tournament in baseball is called the World Series.
11:52No other bloody country plays baseball. You got any other countries in this World Series? Oh, well, we got San Francisco.
11:59Is that a country? Oh, Oakland? The People's Republic of Oakland? People seem very cut off from each other as well.
12:06I mean, on the street, everybody's got them stereo headphone units on, you know.
12:10They've got the sound turned up so loud, the music's coming out of their arse, like...
12:15What, you got Bon Jovi up there or what?
12:21I've done some gigs in America as well, but American audiences, they're awful.
12:25It's like their ancestors came over from Europe on the sister ship of the Titanic, the Moronic.
12:30They don't laugh, right? All they do is they do this kind of whoo noise all the time.
12:34They go whoo all the time. Yeah, whoo!
12:36It's like somebody's running round the theatre, poking them with a sharpened cucumber.
12:40Whoo! Whoo! Yes.
12:43American comics, American comedians, they're very slick, but they're very mechanical, you know.
12:47It's all as if they're, like, robo-comic. You know, kind of...
12:51Your move, creep. You're a wonderful audience.
12:55Hey, I went out with a girl from Buffalo.
12:58Why can't I meet somebody with normal parents?
13:02The other thing they do is they do this false observation thing as well.
13:05Like, they say, hey, guys, isn't it terrible?
13:07You go out with your girlfriend, right, and her head explodes,
13:10and everybody's going, whoo! Yeah, whoo! That happened to me!
13:12Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! What are you talking about?
13:14No, they say, hey, ladies, you know, like, your apartment's robbed, right?
13:18And the police come round, and they're hiding in the central heating reservoir,
13:22quacking like a duck, or what, what? Everyone's going, yeah, whoo! Yeah, whoo!
13:26Yeah, yeah, that happened to me, whoo!
13:28And they go, hey, guys, isn't it terrible, right, when you're standing on the street,
13:31and suddenly a medieval wizard comes along and casts a spell,
13:35and turns you into a daytime TV presenter?
13:37With the time coming up to just 9.30, here's a rundown of treats in store for you later this morning.
13:48At 10.15, it's time for Rosemary Clooney's Flap That Cellulite Show,
13:53including an exciting new recipe for low-calorie lard.
13:57Then, at 10.40, we go over to BBC Norwich for Goat Time,
14:01introduced by a man who left Blue Peter under dubious circumstances.
14:06At 11.15, 33A Doggett Road, Catford, is our destination for twigs and what to do with them,
14:13introduced by Desmond Tutu and Lenny the Lion,
14:16and featuring Dame Paddy Ashdown singing,
14:19I'm just a girl who can't say no.
14:22At 11.30, we were hoping to have the Beverly Sisters,
14:25but only half of them have turned up,
14:27which is rather messy as there are, of course, three in the group.
14:32But right now, nostalgia is the order of the day,
14:35as it's time to look back at some of those old wartime recipes in On The Ration.
14:49Hello there, mums and kiddies, and welcome once more to On The Ration.
15:00Now, back in 1944, things were a lot different to what they are today.
15:05Helmets were worn just below the ankle and all my teeth were prefabs.
15:10But it wasn't all sing-alongs and horrific chest injuries.
15:15There was cooking to get on with.
15:18Now, this is where I used to work.
15:21The Ministry of Baker Light, George Formby songs and food.
15:26We used to make, do and mend up all those cunning recipes of a good housewife
15:33so that Dad could keep Mum and Mum could keep the home service burning
15:39while we were all on the ration.
15:42Now, this is a ration book here.
15:46Not a real one, of course, because they were rationed.
15:52We were also allowed three parsnips, a pea, six ounces of loose road shippings,
16:03and although we had no butter at all, we did have this, a paper ladder made from old newspapers.
16:10So, let's have a look at some of those delicious, nutritious recipes you could cook up without recourse to the black market over here.
16:20Now, first of all, we've got this deliciously mouth-watering stuffed baked potato.
16:37Stuffed with potato, of course, to save our meat.
16:40And then, over here, we've got Dad's favourite, mock apricot tart.
16:46Now, I've used old flywheels and cylinder pistons from a crashed stooker on this one, but Dad never noticed.
16:57He'd been drowned at Dunkirk.
17:00And, to make the pastry, we used six ounces of flour, and because fat was like gold dust, we used this.
17:12A signed photograph of Sydney Green Street.
17:16Just fold it in.
17:19Now, of course, in those days, we didn't have any baking powder, so we had to use an oven,
17:27which was only available on the black market or from your local...
17:31One of the things that's really difficult these days is...
17:34Oi!
17:38One of the things that's really difficult these days is adoption.
17:42Recently, I tried to adopt, and all kinds of obstacles were put in my way.
17:47All right, so I was trying to adopt Whitney Houston.
17:50Another thing that really gets on my nerves these days is all these reformed drug addicts,
17:56all these people going on about how they've kicked their addiction, you know.
17:59They seem to want our applause and our approbation for stopping doing something
18:03that was a bloody stupid thing to do in the first place.
18:07Huh?
18:08Well, I've stopped putting me dick in the food blender.
18:11Hey, what?
18:12Come on!
18:13Come on!
18:20Veronica, I've just received this telegram from Brigadier Marsh in Sarajevo.
18:26Veronica, my darling, I don't know how to break this to you, but...
18:30it appears that I'm...
18:32I'm wearing a false beard.
18:34But it can't be true!
18:36I'm afraid there's no doubt.
18:38It's a rather crude crepe substitute woven onto a gauze mesh base
18:42and secured to my face and chin with gum arabic.
18:45Apparently, it's worse when I stand in profile against the light.
18:49This is a false nightmare become grim reality!
18:52That's not all, I'm afraid.
18:54I ran into Sir Edward Grey today at the Foreign Office.
18:57The papers have got hold of the story that he's wearing a large pair of fake mutton chop side whiskers.
19:03In fact, they're saying that as many as twelve members of the war cabinet may be going around with dummy beards, fake mustaches and other forms of theatrical hair on their faces.
19:11Even Mr. Asquith?
19:13No, his beard's real.
19:14But Mr. Asquith is false.
19:17Hello, you two.
19:18What the juice are you up to?
19:20What is it?
19:21Whatever's wrong?
19:23Walter, I think you'd better ask everyone to assemble in the sitting room straight away.
19:30And they're absolutely certain of this, I suppose, damn them.
19:33I guess it must come as a real shock to you all, but so long as you don't stand in profile against the light.
19:39Shock?
19:40My God!
19:42I'm glad you're all here because I have some rather bad news myself.
19:46I went to see the doc today and he tells me that I've got a phony American accent.
19:53Veronica!
19:54My darling, my sweet, my angel delight, tell me it can't be.
19:57It's what they call a caricature or some such word.
20:01He says that apparently nobody in the entire United States of America actually speaks like this.
20:05It's an English thing.
20:08God, what's happening to the world?
20:10What's happening to the old values?
20:12Actually, Edward, I've got some rather bad news too, I'm afraid.
20:18It seems that for some time now, Charles and I, well, we've had our feet nailed to your sitting room floor.
20:25My God, no way.
20:26Sometime last March, apparently.
20:28I don't know if you've noticed, but we haven't moved much since then.
20:32It's rough, I know.
20:33It's particularly hard on a deaf mute like Charles here.
20:38I suppose there are those who are worse off than us.
20:41Roger, do they think there's any chance that you'll ever...
20:45Be able to remove my hand from this mantelpiece?
20:47Not a hope in hell.
20:49You say I may have to remain like this for the rest of my days.
20:52For God's sake, Mother, stop sniffing that glue behind your hanky.
20:56You think we can't see you?
20:59God, war is hell.
21:01No.
21:02No.
21:03No.
21:04No.
21:05No.
21:07No.
21:09No.
21:40A number of complaints have been received about a certain item broadcast on BBC Two earlier this evening.
22:05I think you know the one we're talking about.
22:07The one that went...
22:10It has been drawn to our attention that the background music and soundtrack on this item
22:23in no way befits the gravity and dignity of a gentleman of Lord William Rees-Mogg's stature,
22:30having, as he does, the power of life and death over every individual working in television today.
22:35The BBC would like to make it clear that it regards the aforementioned item as cheap, tacky, totally unwarranted and without any satirical merit of any kind whatever.
22:46And here it is again.
22:47One of the charges levelled at the BBC by rabid right-wingers like Norman Tebbit and William Rees-Mogg is that it's a hotbed of left-wing and communist activity.
23:05I mean, what rot?
23:07Morning, comrade.
23:08Morning, comrade.
23:09The break-up of the Soviet Union has shown that Soviet-style communism has been a disaster.
23:19One of the reasons is that all left-wingers like to spend more time fighting and persecuting their own comrades than they do trying to improve society.
23:27I was in an extreme communist group when I was young, and they used to spend all their time rowing with and splitting off from each other.
23:36The group I was in was called the Communist Party of Britain Marxist-Leninist, the CPBML.
23:42This itself was actually a split-off from the Communist Party of Great Britain, the CPGB.
23:48Now, the CPBML, they had a row and they split off into the Communist Party of Britain Marxist-Florist, the CPBMF.
23:56They then in turn had a row and they split off into the Communist Federation of England Marxist-Spenserist and the Communist Party of Wales Marxist-ShoppingList, the CPW, M&S.
24:08They then in turn split and became Fat Larry's Band, which had a hit in 1979 with Zoom, which was number one in Britain and America.
24:19Morning, comrade choreographer.
24:21Morning, comrade Ducky Darling Comedian.
24:26Greetings, comrade TV lovelies.
24:28Morning, comrade celebrity satirist.
24:32Morning, comrade TV science show front person.
24:36Morning, comrade fat bastard.
24:38And Alexei Sale can be heard later tonight on Radio 4, talking about his own inimitable brand of savage humour, in discussion with the chairman of the Broadcasting Standards Committee, Lord William Rees-Mogg.
24:56That's a kaleidoscope on Radio 4 at 10 o'clock.
24:59Back to this evening's programmes now, and a change of mood with this week's edition of A Day in the Life.
25:06I've always been a country dweller.
25:25I find that living in a country is a lot drier than living in the sea.
25:29We did have a small cottage at the bottom of the Pacific Ocean for weeks, until the Barracuda started moving into the area, and prices just tumbled.
25:38Two years ago, my wife Axminster and I bought a field of burnt stubble in Berkshire, and we stored it into a haystack, which is where I tend to write all the funny scripts for my TV shows.
25:51My wife and I are both vegetarians, so we can only sleep in an allotment growing cauliflowers.
26:06Every morning at 6, we have to get up to give the cocker spaniels their breakfast.
26:11We've got four cocker spaniels, all named after subatomic particles.
26:14Quark and Proton get very bevy if they're not fed on time, while Neutron will never let you know she's suffering an ethical dilemma over the cannibalistic semiology of gnawing on a bone.
26:27At 10 o'clock, our best friends Carla and Bronco Lane come for coffee, and we swap ideas for comedy shows while nibbling Rye Vita, Carla's pet tortoise.
26:39At lunchtime, I swim 14 lengths of my swimming pool. The last 13 are over land, as I haven't perfected a turn yet.
26:50At 3, we have afternoon tea with our best friends Carla and Drury Lane, and collaborate on a new organic tapestry we're working on.
27:01Carla says we must be very careful not to shear needles, and we all laugh for 11 and a half minutes.
27:06Around about 6 o'clock, as it starts to get dark, I become a werewolf, and gorge myself on the blood of innocent virgins.
27:22And then it's back to the telly to watch Channel 4 News.
27:25At midnight, our best friends Carla and Tambor Lane, the Mongol conqueror, come round for Coco, who has just escaped from the circus.
27:33Often, while I'm asleep, I'll dream of a really funny idea for a sketch.
27:47Then, in the morning, I'll forget all about it and write something like this.
27:51Well, Alexis Sale and his team will be wreaking more mirth and mayhem next week, at the same time, here on BBC Two.
28:05Jam has been a staple of our English diet for over 800 years.
28:11As a nation, we eat more than 3 and a half million tonnes of it every day.
28:15Everything from commonal garden apple and strawberry to more exotic preserves like pawpaw and grenadilla confitures.
28:22But how good is it for us?
28:24In an age where we're increasingly warned about diet and sugar intake, is nature becoming sweet in tooth and claw?
28:31Michael Burke gets sticky fingers as he investigates the pros and cons of going for a jar, in the first of a new series of Horizon, here on BBC Two, on Monday night at 9.30.
28:45And now, a change to the advertised programme, a few moments with Lord William Rhys-Mogg.
28:51And now, a change to the