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00:00You
00:30I'm sorry about Jablonski, he was the best
00:45He was an asshole
00:47Like an asshole he was shit hot
00:53No one's irreplaceable, straighter
00:57So you got an attitude, you better learn to deal with it
01:01Say howdy dody to your new partner
01:04That's all I need, a goddamn cake
01:08Beverly Hills sponge
01:11They were man and pastry
01:13They were blood and jam filling
01:16Cops united in their quest
01:27This time, babe, all I want to do is take a nice, quiet vacation
01:33Todd Gleason's back
01:38And his back's against the wall
01:44In magnum pictures, things exploding
01:49Shelley Siprisky
01:52Don't bullshit me
01:53I just want to know when you're going to be ready to make me a commitment
01:56Look, I told you, I'll make you a commitment
01:59As soon as things stop exploding
02:01Nick, I think I can get
02:12Things exploding
02:27For magnum pictures this summer
02:29And from Medusa Films comes a motion picture story to stir the soul
02:36Of a love that refused to die
02:42Things exploding too
02:51Everything explodes
02:53Produce the pictures soon on video
02:55Well, with Wimbledon fortnight overrunning by three months
03:03Our programmes are running slightly behind schedule
03:06And so here, a little later than advertised
03:08Is the weather forecast for July the 16th
03:11So
03:26Here are the cringing wretches
03:28Who do not wish to pay taxes to the legal owner of their land
03:32Signior, we beg of you
03:34Signior, we beg of you
03:34Signior, we beg of you
03:34Signior, it is time that Don Alfonso set the citizens of Santa Lucrezia
03:39An example they will not forget, I think
03:42Signior, for grand mercy
03:44Vamanos
03:44Teodoresposito, what did you think of that?
04:01though what did you think of that yeah I like it it was catchy nice groovy beat
04:13something the kids can dance to I voted a hit
04:19thank you I shot him so we bought that one it which is good because I hate
04:31Connie Francis let's see what you make up this one
04:50you would go out and buy this record
04:55it's one of those tunes you just have to tap your feet
05:01see it's one for the kids but also for the moms and dads and I think it will go slightly top of
05:08the heat but I take him away and shoot him
05:12once I'm again you like it too
05:21me I shake it I hate and despise it with a loathing I cannot describe it was shallow derivative the
05:32production was anodyne the lyrics banal with a a cliched pop vocabulary of pure bubblegum that
05:39was all false and no hot meat
05:41well it is a great shame that you think that my friend because we happen to have Susan
05:52no please no somebody save me
06:05oh
06:09uh
06:17need
06:18or
06:20His plate of B that stands for Bastard, Bastard.
06:24Alexi, he's never removed me, Bastard.
06:30Alexi, how he saves us all, the fat bastard.
06:44We're the B that stands for Bastard.
06:50People often ask me how I got into show business.
06:55Well, I do start off with a slight advantage.
06:58I am actually one of Vanessa Redgrave's daughters.
07:02I'm actually something of an outsider.
07:04I don't fit into the show business establishment.
07:07I don't fit in.
07:08Mind you, I would do if they made the doors a bit wider.
07:11I'm actually something of an eccentric as well.
07:13I'm something of an eccentric.
07:14They broke the mould while they were making me.
07:17Usually, when I'm on stage doing one of my concerts,
07:19I only ever do like a minute, a minute and a half.
07:22Always leave them wanting more.
07:24Like all good comedians, I love a game of golf.
07:28And I often take part in the PW Botha Pro-Am Celebrity Golf Classic.
07:33The other sort of thing, strictly for charity,
07:35Water Rats versus Martin Borman's escape Nazi war criminal showbiz 11.
07:40I mean, what is golf?
07:43Golf is actually an opportunity for a load of guys
07:45to dress up in trousers like Coco the Clown.
07:48Or Coco the Bastard as we call him.
07:51Sorry, I keep going off for tangents.
07:55Anyway, I didn't say that.
07:57A new opinion poll published today in the Sunday Times
08:00shows that people have had a right gutful of opinion polls.
08:03Of those questions, 63% said,
08:05Piss off, I've got a train to catch.
08:07The 28% said, Hanging should be brought back.
08:10Just wait there while I go and get a rope.
08:12And the other 9% said that they were small cubes of orange coloured wood.
08:17And that they fully supported the government's policy on education.
08:23Farming news now.
08:24And a new opinion poll published in the Sunday Times
08:26shows chickens have now moved into a 12 point lead over combine harvesters.
08:31For the first time since February.
08:33Asked what type of crisps do you like?
08:35Only 39% now prefer combine harvester flavour
08:38with the other 10% on dangerous drugs.
08:42Sport.
08:43And a new opinion poll published in the Sunday Times
08:45the Sunday Times makes grim reading for children reading Grimm's fairy tales.
08:49Asked if there were a general election tomorrow
08:51what kind of strange meaningless noise would you make in the bath?
08:5442% said they would squawk like a troop of gibbons.
08:5731% said they would go nyang nyang nyang through a rolled up newspaper.
09:01And 12% said they would give a speech outlining the government's policy on education.
09:07Urine is still the most popular waste product to be expelled via the human bladder.
09:12According to a new opinion poll published in the Sunday...
09:16Oh, and I'm sorry we have to interrupt this bulletin
09:18and go over for an important news flash now to...
09:22me.
09:23Here is an important news flash.
09:25Reports are just coming in of a major accident in the Marplan Market Research Centre at Kensington.
09:30The exact damage is still not known but it's believed that the results of several major opinion polls
09:34are now leaking out into the Earth's atmosphere.
09:38The public are warned to stay indoors as these opinion polls are extremely dangerous.
09:43It's a funny game, isn't it, cricket?
09:49I went to a cricket match the other day.
09:51It was England versus the rest of the world.
09:54The pitch was a bit crowded.
09:56It's like...
09:57Oh!
09:58Oh!
09:59Oh!
10:00Oh!
10:01Oh!
10:02Oh!
10:03Oh!
10:04Oh!
10:05Hello.
10:06And welcome to another edition of Naked Gardening.
10:21This week we look at English shrub roses naked.
10:24At the season's new varieties of petunias, completely naked.
10:28And we take a stroll around the Royal Horticultural Gardens of Wisley,
10:31in the nude, without a stitch on of any kind.
10:34But first the results of our best kept garden competition,
10:37and the winner was Mr Arnold Blissett,
10:40the head groundsman to Lord and Lady Borage at Windthorpe Park's Sirencester.
10:46So, congratulations Arnold.
10:48And your £2.50 Halfords Vulture will be weeing its way to you straight after the programme.
10:53But now it's time to answer some of your calls.
10:55Gordon.
10:56Yes, on line three we have Mr Willis Twinkie from Beckles in Suffolk.
11:01Mr Twinkie, your question please.
11:03Well, last autumn I bought some sweet pea seedlings
11:07and potted them in well-drained compost wearing a small flesh-coloured posing pouch.
11:13Mm-hmm.
11:14I fed them twice a week throughout the winter,
11:17clad in a pair of scanty latex briefs,
11:19and then planted them out last April in an alkaline soil,
11:23wearing a totally sheer see-through g-string.
11:26But, er, without any success I'm afraid.
11:29Well, one for you I think Bill.
11:31Yes, well this is a familiar tale, isn't it Gordon?
11:34Um, have you tried popping down to your local garden centre
11:37for a bag of loam stark bollock naked, Mr Twinkie?
11:41I have, yes.
11:42Why?
11:43Beg your pardon?
11:44What are you, some kind of pervert or something?
11:46But you just said...
11:47Never mind what we just said.
11:49God, the sickos that ring up some time.
11:51Have you no shame of any kind, man?
11:54I'm not in your programme.
11:55Don't give us that old clichéd crap about the corrupting influence of television.
11:58Make a note of his name, Gordon, and pass it on to the Serious Crime Squad.
12:01Oh my God, what have I done?
12:03I'll never be able to face my family and friends again.
12:06Where's that hedge trimmer?
12:12And that's all from us this week on Naked Gardening.
12:15And now it's time to join Crispin Fudge for personal finance with a jackdaw down your trousers.
12:20Tonight I should be looking at the relative merit of fixed income capital bonds
12:24versus personal equity plans
12:26and building an evenly spread medium-term investment portfolio.
12:30But first, this.
12:38It's inexplicable, isn't it, eh, mine?
12:40I mean, what's he doing?
12:42Wallpaper in a phone box.
12:45Milking a goat.
12:47Nevertheless, under EC harmonisation of comedy laws, by 1992, 75% of all comedy will have to be mime.
12:58It's a lot of old toss, isn't it, eh, mine?
13:01I mean, who in their right minds right would pay good money to see a real man,
13:06sew his fingers together, walk into a high wind, and get shut in a glass box?
13:11There's some French git called Bip or Snot or something.
13:16He pretends to sew his fingers together, walk into a high wind, and get shut in a glass box,
13:22and people travel from Guildford to see him!
13:24I'm just looking for the same!
13:25Ah!
13:26Ah!
13:27Ah!
13:28Ah!
13:29Ah!
13:30Ah!
13:31Ah!
13:32Ah!
13:33Ah!
13:34Ah!
13:35Ah!
13:36Ah!
13:37Ah!
13:38Ah!
13:39Ah!
13:40Ah!
13:41I don't know.
14:11I don't know.
14:41I don't know.
14:48You know, treatment of the mentally ill in this country is a scandal.
15:10What the government's doing now is they're closing down and selling off the mental homes
15:14and they're supposedly reintegrating them mentally ill into the community.
15:19They're reintegrating them into the community by letting them wander the streets all day going...
15:23In fact, in some parts of London, it looks like they're closing down and selling off the cemeteries
15:30and reintegrating them with the community.
15:34Excuse me, tell me the way to Piccadilly Circus.
15:36LAUGHTER
15:37So, we all have to look after our own health these days.
15:41And I'm very health-conscious.
15:43I watch me weight.
15:45LAUGHTER
15:45Still there.
15:46And I only ever drink Diet Coke.
15:49Mind you, I'm a bit suspicious about Diet Coke.
15:51If it's so good, how come you only ever see fat people drinking it?
15:55LAUGHTER
15:55Everybody's more health-conscious, though, even on the railways.
15:58I mean, you can't get old-fashioned railway food any more.
16:01You go to the buffet bar and they give you, like, a granary wholemeal bap
16:05with, like, an avocado and iguana filling.
16:08I mean, I used to really like the old-fashioned railway food.
16:10Do you remember the lion's individual fruit pie?
16:13So-called, cos it had an individual piece of fruit in it.
16:17LAUGHTER
16:17I'm Jewish, you know, and we're very health-conscious people.
16:20But really, apparently, looking after your health and all that,
16:23it's a complete waste of time.
16:25Because what's important is heredity.
16:28And what's important is not what killed your parents,
16:31but what killed your grandparents.
16:33Well, I mean, that's great.
16:34I mean, I should live forever as long as I don't bump into any Russian Cossacks.
16:39But I do look after myself and...
16:41LAUGHTER
16:41LAUGHTER
16:42LAUGHTER
16:44Actually, you know, I got quite ill recently.
16:49Yeah, I was quite seriously ill.
16:51But I wasn't exactly a death's door,
16:53but I was certainly a death's patio.
16:56And finally, in desperation, I turned to homeopathic medicines.
17:00Now, the great thing about homeopathic medicines
17:02is they don't have any side effects.
17:05Well, they don't have any bloody effect.
17:08I mean, you might as well try them,
17:09because, I mean, the National Health Service
17:11is just crumbling around us.
17:13I mean, for example, if you go into intensive care now,
17:15they don't wire you up to one of them beep-beep,
17:17one of them ECG machines to see if you're still breathing.
17:20No, what they do is,
17:21they stick a harmonica in your mouth, right?
17:24And you're lying there going...
17:25LAUGHTER
17:26Nurse! Nurse!
17:31LAUGHTER
17:31LAUGHTER
17:32I was in Mayo Surgical the other day,
17:35and they all broke into karma chameleon.
17:38LAUGHTER
17:38You come and go, you come and...
17:42LAUGHTER
17:42Welcome to another Badger Watch.
17:52It's three o'clock in the morning,
17:53and I'm here in the depths of chilly Norfolk
17:56with award-winning natural history cameraman, Lyndon Willis.
18:01Now, as we all know, the badger is a very timid creature.
18:05So the trick is not to let him know we're here.
18:09Quiet and very careful, and with a bit of luck,
18:12you might just have to sight a one of them.
18:17What's going on to say? What's going on to the light?
18:19Oh! Oh, is that the light?
18:24Well, it's now just gone 4am,
18:28and we think we've just heard a rustle or something in the bushes over here,
18:31so fingers crossed we may be just about to catch our first glimpse
18:35of this charming creature.
18:37Yes, yes, Lyndon over there, look. Can you see just there?
18:40Yes, there he is. Let's see him.
18:42Oh, he's a beauty, isn't he?
18:43Yeah, I reckon if we keep quiet, I'll just get closer.
18:47Bloody hell.
18:48What is it?
18:49Look, is this somebody's idea of a...
18:51I mean, this is obviously a bloody...
18:53Ah! What's wrong?
18:54Ah!
18:55Somebody!
18:55Ah!
18:56Can somebody help, Lyndon, please?
18:58Can somebody get a little out of this thing?
19:00Help me!
19:01Oh!
19:01Help me!
19:01Oh!
19:06We've been waiting patiently inside our hide now for two hours,
19:11and I have to say I don't think there are going to be any badgers
19:14turning up here tonight, now.
19:16In fact, I think it's probably pretty safe to say
19:19there isn't a single badger for miles for the moment.
19:25These highly sensitive creatures, remember,
19:28are so nervous about coming anywhere near a human being,
19:31and they can almost certainly frighten the pulling of things off.
19:35One of the things about having kids is that when they start going to school,
19:45they start coming home covered in parasites.
19:48Recently, my five-year-old came home,
19:50and he had three members of the House of Lords in his hair.
19:54The next door's youngest.
19:55Well, he's infested with Channel 4 commissioning editors.
19:59It's great having a home and a family, though.
20:00We've got one of them satellite dishes.
20:02Mind you, they did some audience research,
20:04and they found out that we were the only family watching.
20:06So what they decided to do was they thought it'd be cheaper
20:09if they got rid of all the technology
20:10and just did the programmes in our house, yeah.
20:12They don't half-ate it when I changed channels, though, you know,
20:15because they have to clear out all the ice hockey people
20:17and bring in Tom Cruise and Dustin Hoffman
20:19in the twinkling of an eye to do Rain Man.
20:23Mind you, have you noticed when they've sat like this?
20:25The other thing is that all the programmes are really old.
20:27Now, the reason for that is actually physics, right?
20:30Because you know the light from certain planets,
20:31by the time it reaches the Earth,
20:33it's thousands of years old.
20:34Well, the same's true of them satellite TV programmes.
20:37When they leave the satellite,
20:38they're modern, jazzy, upbeat comedy programmes.
20:41By the time they get to your set,
20:42they've turned into I Love Lucy.
20:45Well, you've got to be very careful when you've got a home,
20:47you know, because apparently,
20:4875% of all accidents happen in the home.
20:52We had a big train crash in our upstairs landing last week.
20:55Yeah, can you boxy acetylene to get to the Laverty?
20:57It's a 49er!
21:06Welcome back to the Conker's Factor.
21:09Well, I shall recall, just before the break,
21:12Mrs Lottie Damp from Buntingford was disqualified
21:15for coating her head in vinegar and baking it in the oven.
21:18So, that means we've got a new Conker's Factor champion,
21:23Mrs Minnie Dot Matrix from...
21:26from squirming in agony.
21:30Now, Minnie's a 29er,
21:33she plays for the North Thames Gas Board First Team,
21:37and she suffers from a rather unpleasant skin condition,
21:40which flares up in the form of a stomach rash
21:44in the shape of the Isley Brothers.
21:45She's partnered tonight by her nephew, Bob.
21:50So, straight on to our special Conker's Factor lucky strike round.
21:56How are you both feeling?
21:57OK?
21:57Quietly confident, I'm at ass, you know?
22:00Ready to have a go?
22:01Lovely.
22:02So, the very best of luck to the both of you,
22:04and if you'd like to step up and join Lenny on the platform.
22:12OK, just settle down now, Bob.
22:13Lots of time.
22:15Whenever you're ready.
22:27Yes!
22:29That's...
22:29That's a nasty crack on the right temple.
22:34So, you win a set of crystal wine glasses.
22:38Still lots of time, Bob.
22:46Nice and steady.
22:47That's the tip of the skull just below the left mastoid sector.
23:01So, that's the kiddy's walk set.
23:06And lots of concentration here now, Bob.
23:09Everything to play for.
23:10It's a cricket!
23:17It's a cricket!
23:17And lots of direct hit on the centre of the cranium,
23:26causing multiple fractures, concussion,
23:29and permanent brain damage.
23:31So, you get to host your own game show
23:33on central television.
23:35APPLAUSE
23:36APPLAUSE
27:40One ticket for the new British film, please.
27:43Sorry, sir, let's just go straight on to video.
27:47The sun's green in Britain, slowly sinking in the West.
27:51And Helena Barnham Carter's never off it.
27:54You'd have to have your brain removed in order to infest.
27:57British films never, ever, ever make a profit.
28:07I'm sick of drots that David Hare's adapted from his play.
28:11The public would much rather see Steve Martin any day.
28:14For British films, hooray, hooray, hooray, hooray.
28:18To your left, seats to the brand new British film.
28:21To your right, having your head stapled to a stampeding bison.
28:27When a British film's been made and sold and generally ignored,
28:30the only fate in store that now remains is
28:33the chance to end up late at night somewhere on Channel 4
28:37or in a skip for 50p at Sainsbury's.
28:41Exciting full of thrills and entertainment, no they're not.
28:44It's hard to think of one redeeming feature that they've got.
28:48And yeah, if I was offered one, I'd take it like a shot.
28:54Sir Richard Attenborough, what, you want me to black up
28:57and do me Indian voice for your new EM foster production?
29:00Here, cut the cafe, Royal.
29:01Here.
29:03Look, can we cut this song?
29:05I mean, I don't think it's working, you know.
29:07I mean, I really feel that it's...
29:09LAUGHTER
29:11For Christmas!
29:29głos Man
29:33engaging