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00:00This is the life. A modern man. Might have roast beef and the culture later, then take
00:26the Fun Day Times for a shit. God, oh dear. Another horrible bit. Yeah. Look at me. I've got a girlfriend.
00:35A proper girlfriend. Reading a bestseller about child abuse. I go out and have croissant.
00:41I'm just a normal, functioning member of the human race and there's no way anyone can prove otherwise.
00:51So where do you know this rich bitch from then? She's not a rich... Mary's a very good friend of mine
00:56and Mark's from uni. Superhands! Oh, what? Oh, because it's a computer. You think it's made
01:03of spider's webs and magic. It's just a metal box, Jez. They're indestructible. Really? Because it looks
01:09like it's not... Hey, guys. How's it going? Oh, God. I can't get over how lucky I am to find you, Jez.
01:17Canadian Mary. She probably thinks I'm getting nowhere with my music and that's why I'm doing
01:21removals. I'll tell her all the cool bands do removals. I'll say Franz Ferdinand have got
01:25their own van. This new Martin Amos coming out. It just feels like everything's coming
01:29together, doesn't it? Yeah, I guess it does. Not too sad, though? What with your mum dying
01:35and everything? I know, you know. Who needs mums? That's my motto. No, she wasn't there
01:41for me when I did my ballet exam. Not here for me now, so fuck her. Yeah, that's a good
01:46attitude, probably. Too right. Listen, I'm looking for a couple of hip young gunslingers to run
01:52the pub for me downstairs. That's yours. You own the pub. I used to run a pub. Are you
01:57kidding? Would you be interested? What? Us run a pub? Well, I've never really thought
02:04about it before, but now that I do, I think I'd probably like to do that more than anything
02:09else in the world. Yeah, I am very particular about the kind of establishment I run, though.
02:15It needs to make a political statement. Yeah? Very strong political statement. Does it? Are
02:21you sure? Because I really don't think it does, if it's a pub. Well, that's my position,
02:26and it's a deal-breaker.
02:32Whee!
02:32Oh, God. Thank God. Thank God it's ending. Finally. Still got all my fingers intact, too.
02:42Are you OK? Oh, yeah, yeah, that was fun.
02:46Oh, I feel awful. I suppose doing things you hate is just the price you pay to avoid loneliness.
02:52So, what next?
02:54Well, they all look garish and unsafe, so why don't you choose?
02:59Well, hold on.
03:00My girlfriend. Standing next to her boyfriend, reading a text like it's the most natural thing
03:07in the world, do feel very queasy. Oh, Mark. Mark, this is so weird. Wow.
03:14Are they spamming you about upgrading to 3G? No, listen, I applied for this thing. Barbara
03:20said I should, and I didn't think it would come off, so I didn't mention. But it looks like
03:25I might get a promotion. Well, that's brilliant.
03:28Which would mean me moving to Bristol. Oh, my God.
03:33Permanently.
03:35Oh! Are you OK?
03:38Yeah. Yeah, just queasy from the waltzer.
03:43Of course. So, I'm so sorry this has come up now. We need to talk.
03:47No, really, it's the waltzer. I'm happy for you. Really.
03:51So, this is the place you're going to be running for merry?
04:00Yeah.
04:01Dimey. So, this is a pub?
04:06Well, it was, and it will be again. Just imagine, me in the pub all day. But no one can say anything,
04:11because it's my job, so I've got to be there. I'll literally get paid to go to the pub.
04:15Yeah, I mean, I guess it won't be quite like being paid just to go to the pub, because you'll be doing all the pub stuff.
04:21The barrels, the tubes, the debit card authorisations.
04:25Mark, do you have to live quite so relentlessly in the real world?
04:28OK, Jess, fine. But have you done your market research?
04:32Market research? If you build it, they will come. That's my market research.
04:37Your market research is field of dreams? I mean, a man who made a baseball pitch in his garden for ghosts. That's your role model.
04:47Oi, oi. Mr. Motivator.
04:51Listen, I'm sure this place is going to be great.
04:53Yeah, well, you barred. Because I can do that, I have the power to bar, and I won't necessarily be using it wisely or compassionately.
05:01Oh, yeah. Fuck yeah, look at this place.
05:07Yeah, I know. Still, we can move all this crap out and put a bar in, what, over there?
05:12No, mate, no way. Don't change nothing. It's perfect.
05:16Perfect? Superhands doesn't even look like a pub.
05:19Exactly. I've been down enough bloody city boy chain pubs with their logos in the foam and disinfectant in the lager, air freshener in the mayo.
05:28Yeah. I want to run a place that makes a difference.
05:32Yeah, well, I'm sure we can sort that out somehow. Let's start by getting rid of this.
05:38That stays. That's the reason I fell in love with this place.
05:41You want a washing machine in the pub?
05:43It'll freak them out. What the fuck's a washing machine doing in a pub?
05:47Jesus, I need a drink. Eh? And boom, they'll have to have one of our organic scrumpies.
05:52Right. The thing is, Hans, as I've said before, I really just think we should serve at least one lager.
06:00And nuts. You know, people like lager and nuts.
06:03People like cold play and voting for the Nazis. You can't trust people, Jeremy.
06:08But maybe I should go solo. I'm starting to have serious doubts about you.
06:12I can't believe Sophie's just gone. Do you think she'll stay faithful?
06:23Oh, yeah. Yeah, definitely. People always do.
06:26Yeah, I guess. Thanks, mate.
06:29Really nice of Mary to invite us to the flatwarming.
06:32Oh, that's Mary. Gosh, she's such a laugh.
06:35Didn't you two even have a thing back in Darty?
06:38No, we never had a thing.
06:40But I thought, didn't you stay over in her room the night we did all the blues?
06:44Blues Brothers, Betty Blue, Blue Velvet, The Big Blue.
06:46Well, yes, but nothing happened.
06:49But I thought, I definitely remember you writing that very long letter in marker pen
06:53and then having a freak out and burning it. That was you, wasn't it?
06:57So, the pub, what are you calling it?
07:00No problem there. I mean, we're deadlocked on that and a few other things,
07:05but, you know, I'm definitely not co-managing a pub called Free the Pedos.
07:10Right, yes. I can see that.
07:14Maybe I should get off with someone at Mary's party in case Sophie does in Bristol.
07:19Yeah, right. When was the last time I got off with someone at a party?
07:23Well, there was Carol Banana Face, but that was just a macabre charade.
07:28OK, party time for the El Dude Brothers.
07:30God, life is futile.
07:36I'm so glad you guys couldn't make it.
07:38Right. Mary, where is everyone?
07:41Everyone who? No one else is coming. It's just us.
07:45Just us?
07:47Yeah.
07:48Look, I'm just going to call Sophie. Check. See what she's up to.
07:53Um, now listen. Jez? Just, like, about the pub.
07:58Oh, shit. Here it comes. The dream dies.
08:01I'm going to get rid of the pub.
08:03Oh, right. I just thought maybe if we could manage it for a little while, then you could see if...
08:07Do you want it?
08:08What?
08:08The pub. You see, I'm going to get rid of it. It's just this big, um, thing sitting underneath me and...
08:13You mean, like, own it?
08:15Please take it. Please!
08:17Well, OK, sure.
08:19Ah!
08:19Oh, my God!
08:22Hey, fuck you, Mark. The world's not all wrong sometimes. I'm calling superhands.
08:28What's he?
08:29Oh, Mark. You've turned into quite a hunk, haven't you? You're a hunky.
08:34Well, uh, I actually may surprise you to learn that no one's ever said that to me before.
08:39Want to put your popsicle into my purse?
08:42Oh, my God, I'm being propositioned.
08:44I wrote you a letter. I didn't send it, but I don't know if you...
08:47Letter? Popsicle?
08:49This isn't good.
08:50Right. Thank you.
08:53You know, my bone's got a little machine.
08:56Does it? Really?
08:59OK, I'm just going to go to the bathroom.
09:02Maybe I should follow her.
09:03She's so hyper, she's probably really great at sex.
09:07But there's always the chance I'll get the toilet seat slammed on my cock for no reason.
09:10Yeah, totally. But, Hans, I really think all of our major differences will just kind of drift away as long as we don't try and confront them too early. Yeah?
09:20OK, right, yeah. I'll see you down there. Yeah.
09:23Jeremy, I think something's wrong with Mary. She made a pass at me.
09:32You've got such low self-esteem, haven't you?
09:34No, Jez, this is serious. I'm worried about her. She's not right in the head.
09:39Oh, rubbish. She's always been a bit full on. She's kooky.
09:43Don't you think that the party, the pub... I think she's gone a bit funny.
09:48Oh, right. Now I get it. She has some faith in Jeremy, hence she must be mental.
09:52Listen, guys. Newsflash. If you need to shit, shit in the bin.
10:01OK, maybe she's a bit up and down.
10:05Hey, Soph. Long time no speak. How's it going?
10:08Oh, my God, she would have got it by now. Unless Amazon's screwed up. Except they're so damn efficient.
10:14So, I got the book you sent me, Vox. Thanks. You know what it's about, don't you, Mark?
10:19No.
10:19Phone sex.
10:20Oh, well, blimey, I...
10:22Because I wouldn't be against something like that. Maybe it'd be fun.
10:26Er, oh, er, OK, so do you want to start?
10:30Er, no, you start.
10:31OK, I'll just dive in, shall I? OK.
10:34What am I going to say? Clinton would know what to say. Blair would know what to say.
10:39Even Putin would know what to say.
10:41Have you got nice tits?
10:44Well, it's not for me to say, but...
10:46You have. You really have. And feet and arms and...
10:50You know, I don't want to just focus on the sexual parts, cos...
10:52Look, erm, listen, we might have to try going a bit dirtier, OK?
10:57OK. Good.
10:59OK, so a guy's just walked in here.
11:02A big, nice guy without his pants on.
11:04He's got a big hard on and...
11:05He goes.
11:07Can we get rid of him?
11:07He goes and puts his pants on.
11:10It's just you and me and...
11:13And Andrew Neil's interviewing us about politics,
11:16but when the camera's not on us, we're all hot
11:20and I'm just screwing you
11:22and there's nothing Andrew Neil can do about it.
11:24Who's Andrew Neil?
11:25He's the ex-editor of the Sunday Times.
11:27It doesn't matter.
11:29Hi, Mark, it's Jeremy.
11:30I'm with Mary. She was outside.
11:31Someone's coming in.
11:32I think it's Jeremy.
11:33Oh, no, Mark, no, sorry. I'm not into that.
11:35No, Sophie's back. I've got to go.
11:37Hey, Mark. The Markman.
11:40Mary's come for her instructions about the curly-whirly cuckoo.
11:44I get the message.
11:45What the hell is she doing?
11:47Look, listen, Mary, have you got any phone numbers
11:50for, you know, brothers, sisters or people?
11:56Numbers? Oh, yeah. I got some numbers.
11:59Could you give us the numbers?
12:05Mary, that's just three numbers.
12:10I can put some more if you like, because...
12:12Mary, I just wonder, maybe you should be heading home.
12:19Shall we call you a cab?
12:24Yeah, let's call you a cab.
12:26What do you think we should do?
12:32I don't know. I'm scared.
12:35This isn't usual.
12:37Mark, is this your sharpest razor?
12:39I mean, it better be sharp, because I have a damn important meaning.
12:49There you go. Nice and tucked.
12:52I can hardly move under here.
12:54I'm just tucked up so tight.
12:56That's good tucking.
12:58That's fine.
13:01What are we going to do, Mark?
13:02She's gone literally bonkers.
13:04I don't know.
13:06I think we should try and contact someone who's...
13:08Got more responsibility for her than us.
13:10Exactly.
13:11But no mum now.
13:14Did you once say something about an uncle in Canada?
13:18Oh, who else is there?
13:20Pedge.
13:20I don't think he's going to take her off her hand.
13:22He works in HMV.
13:23Oh, shit.
13:25I just don't know.
13:26We could try the number.
13:28A three-digit number?
13:30It's worth a try.
13:33It's not going to work.
13:36It doesn't work.
13:37OK, OK.
13:38I guess we've just got to bloody take responsibility, haven't we?
13:43Hello?
13:44NHS Direct?
13:46Hi.
13:47Listen.
13:48I want to get my friend sectioned.
13:51Yes, but I don't know what the procedure is.
13:53How easy would that be to do, a sectioning?
13:55I mean, would I have to be involved at all, or could I just give you the house number and
13:58assure you that she is completely mental?
14:00If it turns out to be easy, I could get a few other troublesome people sectioned, get
14:05Mark sectioned, get his nice big room.
14:07I guess it might cause a bit of a bump in the French shit, but I mean, we got over the
14:11coffee rings on the dining table incident, eventually.
14:14They're putting me through somewhere.
14:16Cool.
14:16Hi, Soph.
14:19Me again.
14:21Really am leaving a lot of messages for you today, I know.
14:24So, Mary's gone.
14:26If I got sectioned, I'd put up more of a fight.
14:28Downside, might get lobotomised.
14:30Seriously, it's fine not calling back.
14:32I hope it's not because I hung up in the middle of our, you know, thing.
14:38But really do please call me back.
14:42All my warmest wishes.
14:46Mark.
14:49Oh, ridiculous sign-off.
14:52Not saying they're a birthday card.
14:53Still nothing.
14:54Six calls, nothing back.
14:57Wasn't going to call again, but then I thought Mary being sectioned, a nugget of sad but interesting
15:03news.
15:04Right.
15:05A talking point.
15:06Hmm.
15:10Did you try to get me sectioned?
15:11What?
15:12No, of course not.
15:14Somebody tried to get me sectioned.
15:15Jeremy, Superhands is here.
15:18Did you try and get him sectioned?
15:19What?
15:20Me?
15:21No.
15:22Why, did you try and get him sectioned?
15:24Of course not.
15:25Well, somebody tried to get me sectioned.
15:27And nobody gets Superhands sectioned.
15:29Well, I definitely didn't try to get you sectioned.
15:31That sounded pretty convincing.
15:32I guess it was just one of those freaky urban things, like those people who go on fire for
15:38no reason.
15:39Yeah.
15:40So, listen.
15:41I've been busting the gut trying to sort the pub.
15:44I tried to get European Bob on board, but he's a jerk-off.
15:47He's still stuck in the crisp age.
15:49I mean, what next?
15:50Bloody mead on tap?
15:52Yeah, right.
15:54Asshole.
15:54So, what do you think?
15:56The old team, back together.
15:58Well, maybe, but we need to agree on some stuff.
16:02Like, and don't fly off the handle, but I'm just really not happy with the name Free the
16:07Pedos.
16:08I mean, can't we call it something more normal, like the swan and tomato?
16:14Yeah.
16:15Or compromise.
16:18The swan and pedo.
16:20Yeah, okay, sure.
16:22And what about lager and...
16:24Details.
16:24Listen, we need to get some fucking proof of ownership, right?
16:28We need property deeds.
16:29We need to get keys cut, borrow some start-up wonger for the overheads.
16:32So, let's go over to Mary's.
16:35Ah, could be a problem there.
16:37Mary, see, Mary's been sectioned.
16:40Mary's been sectioned?
16:42You're kidding!
16:44Jesus!
16:45Who's going to be next?
16:49Incredible.
16:50Still no call from Soph.
16:52If she's broken up with me, maybe, I suppose I could consider Mary.
16:56Would sort of suit me to have a girlfriend in an institution.
17:00Regulated meeting times.
17:01I might get to have a say in her medication.
17:04I'd like to be able to chemically alter my girlfriend's moods.
17:07Well, I have to say, she's looking a lot better.
17:13Right, well, we'll just grab her stuff and get her out of your hair.
17:16No, no.
17:17I'm afraid Mary needs to be kept a close eye on just now.
17:19But she's fine.
17:21She's always been the life and soul.
17:22Tabasco in your pint, frisbee in the kitchen.
17:24That's Mary.
17:25She's kooky.
17:26She's in the cute stage of a manic episode.
17:28What do you think, Mary?
17:30I just want to...
17:31Everything's too much right now.
17:33Shall we?
17:36At least she isn't proposing sexual intercourse anymore.
17:39Mark?
17:40Can you give these to Jeremy?
17:43They're kind of important.
17:44Probably stop fancying me now the sedatives have kicked in and she's lost the beer goggles.
17:50Normal service has been resumed.
17:53Come on, mate.
17:54Let her go.
17:55It's for the best.
17:56Look, it might take us a month or so just to see what kind of drug or cognitive therapies
18:00might help Mary with her condition.
18:02Oh, right.
18:02I see.
18:03Your little world is threatened by all the amazing Jack Nicholson's and Robin Williams's
18:07burning so bright you've got to keep them down with your chemical cosh.
18:11Yeah, come on, man.
18:12Set her free.
18:12All she needs is a vodka and tonic and a nice little lie down.
18:15I'm sorry, but there's no way I can sign her out.
18:17She's not well.
18:19Your dream is just everyone on the omnibus grey eating grey sludge.
18:25That's your dream, isn't it?
18:26No.
18:27We'll look after her.
18:28She's just wacky.
18:30She's basically fine.
18:31She's not fine.
18:33She's temporarily mad.
18:35Oh, right.
18:36You're with them now, are you, Mark?
18:37Well, tell me, is it mad to be diagnosed with a mental disorder?
18:40Or is it, in fact, much more mad to get up every morning to go to your boring job
18:45so you can print out lots of meaningless documents?
18:47I'm sorry about this.
18:48It's the 60s.
18:49He thinks he's living in the 60s.
18:51How about this?
18:52You let her go and we promise, promise, to keep her restrained.
18:57Tightly tied.
18:59Look, I appreciate how passionate you feel about your friend.
19:02But there's no way I can sign her out.
19:04I'm sorry.
19:06Look, Mary wanted me to give you these deeds.
19:10I'm not sure why or what.
19:13Okay, well, fair enough, mate.
19:15I've said my piece, but you win.
19:17After all, you're the expert.
19:18Okay, guys, let's go.
19:19So, Jez, why is she giving you these?
19:29Uh, those?
19:30I don't know.
19:30They're not important.
19:31Just give them to me, really.
19:32What?
19:33The deeds to the pub?
19:35Of course they're important.
19:36In fact, why do you even need them?
19:38Oh, yeah, didn't I tell you?
19:40Yeah, she's giving us the place.
19:42So I just hand them over, really.
19:43She gave it to you?
19:44Well, yeah.
19:46I mean, it's all perfectly legal, probably, Mark.
19:48I don't understand what you're worried about.
19:49But that's...
19:51Obviously, I mean, she's not in her right mind.
19:54She was fine when she gave us the pub.
19:56Well, are you sure?
19:57Because I guess giving away a pub that's worth several thousands of pounds for free,
20:02that kind of suggests you haven't exactly got your best thinking cap on.
20:05Mark, we're not exploiting her.
20:06Once we turn the pub into a cash cow, we'll give her some other cream.
20:09Yeah, right.
20:10Look, I just think in this situation, Mary needs an impartial advisor like me to help
20:15her decide what's best.
20:16God, you're loving this, aren't you?
20:18Holding the deeds like Mr. Monopoly with his top hat and his iron.
20:23Do you really think if you don't give us her pub, she's going to let you screw her?
20:30Oh, God, that is low.
20:32That is really nuts.
20:34Are you saying I'm mad?
20:35Is that what you're saying?
20:37Are you going to try and get me sectioned for simply following my dream?
20:40Look, I just think the best thing is if I hand these to the authorities here and let
20:44them decide.
20:47Hi there, Doctor.
20:48Listen, I just wondered if you could take care of Adela.
20:50He's gone nuts.
20:52Get off!
20:52You need to section him.
20:53He's out of his mind.
20:54What?
20:54I'm not out of my mind.
20:56I just need to give you some documents.
20:57He's a loony.
20:58He was running around with his cock out before saying it was on fire.
21:01He's lost it.
21:02He thinks there's a pigeon in Catalonia that's in control of his legs.
21:07I really don't.
21:08Jeremy, tell him.
21:11Well, I don't know.
21:13I mean, mostly he's okay, but maybe, maybe you should keep him in for observation just
21:20for a couple of days.
21:21Jeremy, are you...
21:23Look, if there's anyone who's going nuts here, it's not me, it's you that they could section
21:27you for trying to section me.
21:29If you try to section me, Mark, you'll have crossed the line and I will section you, so
21:33help me.
21:33No, guys.
21:35You've had your fun with the sectioning.
21:38There's going to be no more sectioning today.
21:40Okay, act shocked.
21:47Act shocked.
21:49God, Sophie!
21:50Jesus, Mark!
21:51This is so weird.
21:52I'm just on my way to Oxford for a training day at the Institute of Finance.
21:56You must be, what, changing here on your way from Bristol to the Birmingham Reps Seminar?
22:00Yeah, God, wow!
22:02God, she almost seems to believe me.
22:04So, why haven't you called?
22:06You haven't called for over a week.
22:07Well, seeing you here by chance, I might as well find out why you haven't called.
22:11Well, I thought you'd be busy with your new girlfriend.
22:13What?
22:14Your new girlfriend, who you're in love with.
22:16Mary.
22:17Remember?
22:17Or do you fall in love with people all the time and then just forget about it?
22:20Mary?
22:21You think...
22:22Mary?
22:23Oh, she told me, Mark.
22:24I called and she answered.
22:26She was in your bed, all tucked up tight, she put it.
22:28Look, Mary's nuts, Sophie.
22:30She's mentally ill.
22:31She's been incarcerated.
22:33She stayed one night, then the white van came and they took her away.
22:36I don't embarrass yourself, Mark.
22:38It's fine.
22:39Sophie, look at me.
22:40Honestly, she's in hospital.
22:41I can give you her reference number.
22:44Oh, right.
22:45Well, blimey, I did think it was kind of...
22:48OK, so as far as you're concerned, we're still...
22:51Because for the last few days, I've been under the impression that...
22:55You haven't done anything, have you, Sophie?
22:58Er, no.
23:00Not really.
23:01Not really.
23:03Well, it was complicated and nothing happened, really.
23:09But now I think it'll be all right.
23:13Er, anyway, I've got to get my...
23:15So I'll call you later, OK?
23:19Bye.
23:21Nothing happened really.
23:23The three least comforting words in the English language.
23:26Paranoia, paranoia, everybody's coming to get me
23:40To say you never met me
23:44I'm running underground with the moors
23:47To get hoes
23:48To say you never met me
23:50To say you never met me
23:50To say you never met me
23:51To say you never met me
23:51To say you never met me
23:52To say you never met me
23:52To say you never met me
23:53To say you never met me
23:53To say you never met me
23:54To say you never met me
23:54To say you never met me
23:55To say you never met me
23:55To say you never met me
23:56To say you never met me
23:56To say you never met me
23:57To say you never met me
23:57To say you never met me
23:58To say you never met me
23:58To say you never met me
23:59To say you never met me
24:00To say you never met me
24:01To say you never met me
24:01To say you never met me
24:02To say you never met me
24:03To say you never met me
24:04To say you never met me
24:05To say you never met me