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00:00Don't screw this up.
00:28No screw-ups.
00:29Got to impress.
00:31So, Mr Corrigan, we've examined your loan application and I just have one question for you.
00:37Are you a pathetic, worthless punk?
00:40Well, no.
00:41Alright.
00:42Because I'm going to turn you down as if you were a hippie parasite.
00:46Oh, yes.
00:48Yeah, I like it.
00:49And then I'm going to make you feel like you're a turkey fucker.
00:52Why?
00:53Because I'm the big man and you're a shitheel, right?
00:56Brilliant.
00:57That is just so spot on.
01:00Or I could treat Mr Corrigan like a valued and respected customer and we'd both end up winners.
01:07Isn't that right, Mr Corrigan?
01:09Right.
01:10Absolutely.
01:11Dead right.
01:12Alan Johnson.
01:13Alan Johnson.
01:14I'm in love.
01:15I'm in love with you, Johnson.
01:18There are two basic energies in the world, stress and relaxation.
01:23Did I break through?
01:24No idea.
01:25You passed out after the love beans.
01:26Thought the table was being ironic.
01:27What was the bad thing?
01:28Floss is boss.
01:29Floss is boss.
01:30Floss is boss.
01:31Floss is boss.
01:32No.
01:33Floss is boss.
01:34Floss is boss.
01:35No.
01:36Not that.
01:37Something worse.
01:38What happened?
01:39That will probably become clear later.
01:41Like the French Revolution.
01:42I think we need to tidy up.
01:43Absolutely not.
01:44That is the one thing I stand against.
01:45A third of the depression is also going to be able to get out of what the hell is in
01:49the world.
01:50The poor thing is being a massive mess.
01:51The poor thing is being a tough mess.
01:52It is being a tough mess.
01:53Not the bad thing.
01:54Not the bad thing.
01:55What is the bad thing?
01:56Floss is boss.
01:57Floss is boss.
01:58Floss is boss.
01:59No.
02:00Not that.
02:01Something worse.
02:02What happened?
02:03That will probably become clear later.
02:05Like the French Revolution.
02:06I think we need to tidy up.
02:09Absolutely not. That is the one thing I stand against.
02:12A thousand times no.
02:16Hi. Come in, come in.
02:18Hi, guys.
02:19Hi, Soph.
02:21How's it going?
02:22Oh, good, thanks.
02:23Ask her to go to the bar. Ask her to go to the bar.
02:25We're just watching a bit of Morse. Would you like to watch a bit of Morse?
02:28I don't think right now.
02:30Mark, I just wanted to say about the lift.
02:338.15 sharp?
02:34Yeah, it's just the thing is, I forgot about Debbie's chair, the wheelchair.
02:37Yeah?
02:38Yeah, and I think it'll take up quite a bit of room.
02:40Right, well, that's...
02:41And Dave's been helping her, so I said to him.
02:44I mean, I could help.
02:47Yeah. Yeah, sure. It's just Dave's been, you know...
02:51Oh, yeah. Totally. Absolutely.
02:54Dave's the saint. Nothing must unseat Dave.
02:57I'm really sorry, Mark. I'm sure you'll be able to get a lift from someone else or a train or something.
03:01Soph, honestly, it's fine.
03:03Sorry. Thanks. We'll see you.
03:07Bye.
03:08Night.
03:09Okay, night.
03:15Go on. Yes, I know what you're thinking.
03:17I'm shit. You're great. I'm the worm. You're the king.
03:21Yeah, well, eat your nuts and go fuck yourself.
03:22I feel like loam. A piece of loam. Jesus, what am I talking about? I wish Mark was here. No more drugs. I don't need drugs. I mean, what great music was ever made on drugs? Bowie, obviously. The Floyd, the Proj, Apex. The list is endless, really. But they could have done it twice as fast with half the mess if they just...
03:50Ah, was that the bad thing?
03:57Not that. Something wronger.
04:00Huh. Mark will be so pleased when he sees this. He's just so... Maybe I could open my bank statements. Maybe you can be boring and cool.
04:09Only asked about the bus. No need to make out I'm some kind of freak. Checking into the hotel, it's all, and can we get you fresh whatever. But once you're on the way out, suddenly it's all, well, one of you is liable for the cashew nuts.
04:22Sophie. Jeff! That fucking... What's the story there? This is the worst thing to happen to anybody ever. Oh, my fucking life. It's Alan Johnson.
04:36Mark? It is Mark, isn't it? Yes. Yes, it is. It's Mark.
04:40So? You want a lift or what? Oh, I would love a lift.
04:44Shit. This is the best thing that has ever happened to anyone ever.
04:48Look at me. Friends with a big black businessman like it's the most natural thing in the world.
04:58Shh. If he got accused of a crime he hadn't committed, I could come to his aid and...
05:03Jez?
05:05Hey, you're back. This is great. You're really back.
05:08Er, yes.
05:08The El Dude Brothers are back in town.
05:11Er, er.
05:13Er, er.
05:16Come on in. Sit down. Tell me all about your trip.
05:19I want to hear everything. All the gory details.
05:23Did you bring back any little tiny soaps?
05:25Jez, are you all right?
05:27Of course I am. Now you're back.
05:29Right, well, that's very nice and everything, Jez.
05:32But, er, I should open some wine.
05:34I've actually got rather a good friend coming over.
05:37Wine? Friend?
05:39But you haven't got a friend.
05:41Who's your friend?
05:43Phony Tony, I call him.
05:45I mean, the thing with this government, it's all spin.
05:47It's all smoke and mirrors.
05:48I totally agree. I couldn't agree more.
05:51And the way he licks Bush's arse.
05:52It's pathetic.
05:54So, OK, they're spending more on schools and hospitals.
05:57But where's the evidence?
05:58I mean, what schools?
05:59Where?
06:00I mean, where the heck are they?
06:01Can you see them?
06:02Where?
06:03This is good, yeah.
06:05Three guys sitting around, shooting the shit.
06:07Politics doesn't have to be boring.
06:09What if Moby's stuff is political, I think?
06:13Yeah, it's all lies, isn't it?
06:16I mean, don't tell me that Blair wears a suit and tie
06:18when he's lounging around at home watching Big Brother.
06:21Oh, God, not in front of Johnson.
06:23How do you mean exactly?
06:24What I mean is that they should be more honest.
06:27I mean, at least Tony Adams from the IRA,
06:30he's like, yeah, I shoot people.
06:32I like shooting people.
06:34You know, if they were more honest,
06:36then maybe people would vote
06:37and not switch straight over when the news comes on.
06:40You turn over when the news comes on?
06:42No.
06:43No.
06:43No, sometimes.
06:45Maybe for a treat.
06:47But generally, it's great, isn't it?
06:48I mean, who do you support?
06:49I mean, Mark likes Israel.
06:51I'm Palestine.
06:52Makes it more interesting when you pick a...
06:54No?
06:54So, if you like, I'll show you what I've done so far on the book.
07:00The book?
07:02Business Secrets of the Pharaohs.
07:04It's only an opening chapter, but it gives a flavour of...
07:07Oh, my God.
07:09The bad thing.
07:10That's the bad thing.
07:13Mega Tsunami!
07:14Can I have a look?
07:19Doesn't seem to...
07:21Oh!
07:21Oh, dear.
07:23Look what you've...
07:23Is it all right?
07:25Well, no, but it wasn't working when...
07:28Oh, yes, it was.
07:29It was working fine.
07:30And then you spilt your drink on it and it broke.
07:32That's what happened.
07:34That's what I saw.
07:37Me and Johnson.
07:38Johnson and me.
07:40We only met a fortnight ago.
07:41Everything's happening so fast.
07:43That sounds...
07:44I don't know what to say.
07:45That sounds just amazing.
07:47Excellent.
07:48Second.
07:50Yeah, but the relocation thing.
07:53Moving out on Jeremy.
07:55It feels a bit weird, Dad.
07:57Shit.
07:58Sorry?
07:58It feels weird, Daddy-o.
08:00Good save.
08:01Why, Daddy-o?
08:02Third.
08:03Well, nowadays, email and so forth.
08:06Do I really need to move to Cardiff?
08:09Let me tell you a little story, Mark.
08:10It's about a pair of mountain climbers.
08:12Well, one's climbing the mountain.
08:14The other one's injured.
08:16Weak.
08:17Unhealthy.
08:18Clinging to the first guy's leg.
08:19Uh-huh.
08:20Interesting.
08:21So the first guy has a choice, right?
08:22Let his pal cling on and they're both yak food.
08:25Or shake him off and make it to the top.
08:29Solo.
08:32I've got to tell him.
08:33How am I going to tell him?
08:35Oh, this is horrible.
08:36He might crumble.
08:38He's weak.
08:39Remember the Johnson.
08:41Hey, Jez.
08:42Hey.
08:42So, what do you make of this place?
08:44You just choose whatever you want from the revolving belt.
08:47This could be good.
08:48Just like the old days.
08:49Play it cool.
08:50Don't slag off Johnson yet.
08:52Johnson told me about it.
08:53Apparently, according to Johnson, wasabi sauce is...
08:56Oh, Johnson says.
08:58Johnson says.
08:59If you love Johnson that much, why don't you marry him?
09:02Where did this come from all of a sudden?
09:04Why don't you actually screw him?
09:06I mean, since you clearly want to do that, why don't you?
09:09Jeremy?
09:10Look, I've got nothing against being gay.
09:13But I'm not.
09:14And neither is Johnson.
09:15He's black, in case you hadn't noticed, which I expect you had.
09:18Oh, so just because he's black, I have to like him.
09:21Do I?
09:22That's political correctness gone mad.
09:25Look, Mark, I'm sorry.
09:26Jesus, I'm probably just the sort of person who'd be gay and repress it even to himself.
09:31The thing is, well, there's no easy way to put this, but Johnson's invited me in with him.
09:41He wants me to get into bed, team up with him.
09:44It would mean relocating to Cardiff.
09:46You're kidding.
09:47Look, I really feel I need to go for this, Jez.
09:51It's not as if it's the end for us.
09:54We're still the old dude brothers.
09:55We'll always be the old dude brothers.
09:58It's just, I'm leaving.
10:00I can't spend my life with you at base camp.
10:04Okay.
10:05Okay.
10:06That's fine.
10:07I'm fine with that.
10:10Good.
10:10If I keep smiling, maybe he won't leave.
10:17Actually, this is a pretty cool place, isn't it?
10:19Chopsticks.
10:22These are a bit long for me, actually.
10:26He's cracked.
10:27I hope he doesn't do anything drastic.
10:29That's better.
10:29So, tell me all about the wasabi sauce.
10:34If he hangs himself over this, I could put an orange in his mouth and say it was a fatal wanking accident.
10:39I'm so glad you came here for a follow-up, man.
10:45You totally blew apart Barbara's whole Stone Age business paradigm.
10:49Like taking candy from a baby.
10:51Maybe I do fancy him.
10:52He's handsome.
10:54Not in a gay way.
10:55It's just obvious.
10:56He's a good-looking guy.
10:58A guy's guy.
11:00But would I...
11:01Hey, Mark.
11:02Sophie.
11:03Sophie, Sophie, Sophie.
11:05You know, Alan, of course.
11:07Yeah, quite a seminar.
11:09You know Barbara went home crying.
11:11Hey, I'm just the doctor.
11:12I didn't make the needles sharp.
11:13It's not a wig, Alan.
11:14That's actually her hair.
11:16You've got to admit, Sophie, she was asking a lot of questions.
11:19Yeah, well, I just thought you two big kahunas should know.
11:22Yeah, whatever.
11:24See you.
11:27Jesus.
11:27Some people.
11:28You put them to a lift and they're like,
11:30No, thanks.
11:30I'm fine with the stares.
11:32I do want to be with him all the time.
11:34But could I think about kissing?
11:37Well, I'm thinking about it.
11:39No, I'm not.
11:40I'm just thinking about thinking about it.
11:42Yeah.
11:43She's very...
11:45Yeah.
11:45I could have a little thing going there with Sophie, actually.
11:49Yeah?
11:49Well, my advice is keep it little.
11:51Yeah?
11:52Women.
11:53I mean, does a balance sheet ever come crying
11:55and saying that it needs some time to think about things?
11:58A business doesn't say it loves you,
11:59than run off with a buddy.
12:01I mean, take a look at her, mate.
12:03Take a good, hard look at her.
12:05What do you see?
12:06What do you actually see in her,
12:08compared to, say, a supermodel like Giselle
12:10or any of the other supermodels?
12:11She's...
12:12I think she's very pretty.
12:16Come on, look at her arse.
12:19Is that the best arse you're ever going to get?
12:21Do you stick on that arse?
12:23Come on, admit it.
12:24She's got a fat arse.
12:26Say it.
12:27Well, she's...
12:29Maybe it is a bit nice, but in a sense...
12:34Look, if we're going to do this, it's just you and me.
12:36No stress-buster mini-breaks, no women.
12:39Just us, a pile of Chinese food
12:41and a couple of fuck-off spreadsheets.
12:43Oh, yes.
12:44Take me, Johnson.
12:45I'm yours.
12:46Yeah, Jeremy and Superhands.
12:52This is perfect, man, because I'm being evicted soon.
12:54Yeah.
12:55Yeah, we are going to have parties in this place
12:57that go beyond fun
12:58and actually get really, really nasty.
13:02So, when's the Iron Duke moving out?
13:04Um, I don't know.
13:05Maybe a few weeks.
13:07I mean, nothing's really decided yet.
13:09Tell you what, as a fucking off-present,
13:10why don't we spike him?
13:12Yeah.
13:13Or maybe get him a nice watch, or...
13:15Yeah, he'll be like,
13:15Oh, I couldn't make the meeting today, boss.
13:18I've got to fax my soul off to God
13:19for an upgrade.
13:21This could be all right.
13:23I'll just get Mark to make us a cleaning rota.
13:25We'll just stick religiously to the rota.
13:31There's probably much less to worry about with gay sex.
13:34I mean, you know where you are with a cock.
13:37Still, even if I am gay, Johnson isn't.
13:40I mean, it's going to be hard enough turning me gay,
13:42let alone...
13:43OK, Mark.
13:44OK, listen to the Johnson.
13:46Huh.
13:47Yes, take that.
13:48How are you?
13:49Oh, you know.
13:50Stay strong, brother.
13:52I've been meaning to say,
13:53but I didn't get the chance,
13:54in case you were wondering,
13:55about the other day,
13:56back from the hotel.
13:57Didn't faze me, sweetheart.
13:58That's probably a bit too much.
14:00Yeah, because, um,
14:02in the end,
14:03Dave had to go early,
14:04then I knocked on your door,
14:05and Jeff said you'd gone,
14:06and it seemed rude not to...
14:08You know, so, um,
14:09that's what happened,
14:10in case you were wondering at all.
14:11Yeah, whatever.
14:12That's all very possible.
14:14Totally possible.
14:16Mark, are you OK?
14:17You weren't pissed off, were you?
14:19Don't weaken.
14:20No, no, why?
14:21You seem a bit...
14:22I don't know.
14:23I hope everything's still with us...
14:25Yeah, all right.
14:26This is ridiculous.
14:27She's beautiful.
14:29I'm not gay.
14:29Forget Johnson.
14:31Go for it.
14:33Mark, are you all right?
14:35Fine.
14:36No, it's fine.
14:38Just nothing.
14:39A bump.
14:40It's staring you in the face, Mark.
14:42There's only one other sex to try.
14:45Good old unfriendly, Mr Patel.
14:48Never says a word,
14:50whether you're buying cornflakes,
14:51fabric softener,
14:53or gay porn.
14:56So, here we go.
14:58Watch without prejudice.
15:00I'm just testing the water.
15:01I'm a sexual scientist.
15:04So, OK.
15:06I'm keeping in trim.
15:07This is fine.
15:08Typical evening inn.
15:10Johnson's doing the spreadsheet.
15:12There's nothing to be afraid of.
15:13It was very popular with the Romans,
15:15and they got a lot done.
15:17How's it going, Johnson?
15:18Ha-ha.
15:19So quick.
15:21Yeah, some good kissing.
15:23Maybe I'm just bi-curious.
15:25What if that actually was Johnson?
15:27Would that make me hotter?
15:29What about if he had Sophie's face?
15:31Or Sophie's body with Johnson's face?
15:33Mum, Dad, I'm bi-curious.
15:36Yeah, right.
15:37The bum.
15:38Nothing wrong with a bum.
15:40Ah, that's a little too rich for me.
15:42I just don't know.
15:48Do you think he really wondered, Sting,
15:53if the Russians love their children too?
15:55No, it's a rhetorical question.
15:58You know, like, can you feel the force,
16:01or do they know it's Christmas?
16:03I'm not so sure.
16:04He really seems to be sincerely hoping
16:06that the Russians love their children too,
16:09which I think is a little bit patronising.
16:12I really need to pick up my laptop from the IT guy
16:16before Johnson gets here.
16:17I could drive you.
16:21What?
16:22Will he give you the keys, Mark?
16:23No, no, he forgot the keys after the pub.
16:25Then he called to put me in charge of the keys
16:28until such time as he reclaims the keys.
16:30It's probably some kind of initiative test.
16:33You know, will you walk like some kind of stupid duck,
16:36or will you drive like Clarkson?
16:41What if something happened?
16:42Oh, right, suddenly something's going to happen.
16:44Suddenly I'm going to drive off the non-existent quayside.
16:47Listen, you know, I'm insured on my mum's insurance
16:49to drive any car.
16:51It's freezing out there.
16:51Johnson won't mind, if he's a real mate.
16:54You're insured on any car?
16:57Yes.
16:58Probably.
17:03Who's the Johnson now, huh?
17:05Who's the Johnson now, Johnson?
17:08Shall we open her up a bit?
17:10No, absolutely not.
17:12We're almost at the office now.
17:13If it feels good, do it.
17:15Isn't that Johnson's whole philosophy?
17:17No.
17:19Yeah, yeah, yeah.
17:20They love it, really.
17:21God, Jeremy, no.
17:22God, that was Mika from...
17:24I hope they didn't recognise me.
17:26Well, what do you two do in the car, then?
17:27Don't tell me you just sit around
17:28talking about what the VAT is on cigarillos.
17:32Of course not.
17:34Sometimes he lets me do the gears.
17:36Hey, I've got an idea.
17:38This doesn't feel right.
17:43This is so right.
17:44But I can't drive.
17:46Yes, you can.
17:46All you have to do is believe.
17:48Driving is bullshit.
17:49Oh, my God.
17:55Now, just very, very slowly take your foot off the clutch
17:58and just tickle the accelerator, okay?
18:01Okay.
18:03Okay.
18:05Okay.
18:06Look at me go.
18:08I'm driving.
18:09Look at me driving, Jez.
18:11You're driving.
18:12Buried slowly in first gear.
18:14Yeah.
18:14Oh, yeah.
18:15Come on.
18:16I'm driving.
18:17I'm Johnson.
18:18Driving is bullshit.
18:19I'm Johnson.
18:20That's right.
18:21It's easy.
18:22Now, just give it a bit more juice
18:24and hang a right.
18:26Right is bollocks.
18:27I'm going rogue.
18:29Hey, isn't that Sophie?
18:30Jesus.
18:31Yeah.
18:31How do I...
18:32The pedal.
18:33How do I do stopping?
18:34The pedal.
18:34No, no, no.
18:35The middle one.
18:35The middle one.
18:41Blimey, Mark.
18:41When did you...
18:42What?
18:43This old banger.
18:44Right, yeah.
18:45It's not an old banger, though, is it, Mark?
18:47It's a brand new beamer.
18:48Yeah, and you'd probably like a spin,
18:50but we're just tooling around town.
18:51You know, it's a guy thing.
18:53Right, yeah.
18:55Mate, are you sure you're all right, sir?
18:57It's cool, Jez.
18:58See you around, Soph.
19:04Oh, Jesus.
19:08Wow.
19:09Alan Johnson's beamer.
19:13Alan Johnson's beamer.
19:19Do you think he's going to mind?
19:20I mean, I think it's possible he might mind.
19:23Mark can't drive.
19:24Why did he...
19:26You've got to help me out here.
19:34Sure, mate, sure.
19:36Well, I'll tell Superhands to move his stuff out,
19:37because you're going to be staying now.
19:39Look, Jez, you've got to take the rap.
19:42I mean, you don't have to, but I have a future.
19:46Whereas you...
19:46He's grasping at straws.
19:50Johnson loves that car.
19:52It's all over for them.
19:54Might as well get some brownie points by acting the big friend.
19:58Sure.
19:59Sure, mate.
20:00If you really, really want me to, mate,
20:02I'll do it.
20:03I'll face the firing squad.
20:06True mates.
20:08True mates.
20:10Eh.
20:10Ah.
20:11Eh.
20:14Johnson is here.
20:15Johnson is here.
20:17You're such a good guy.
20:20We'll be in Cardiff together within the fortnight.
20:24Relax, Mark.
20:25Business before pleasure.
20:27Mark, I'm a little concerned.
20:30My five series isn't where I left it.
20:32Alan, come in.
20:33I'm afraid something terrible has happened.
20:41What's happened to my car?
20:43Yes, there's a bit of a problem there, actually.
20:46You see, I borrowed the keys,
20:49drove it around for a bit of a laugh,
20:51and then I crashed it.
20:53I mean, he says borrowed, but really I had no...
20:56Blimey.
20:57Yes, blimey.
20:59Hey-ho.
21:00So, you got the new port projections?
21:02What? Hold on.
21:03Aren't you...
21:04The car.
21:05You trust it.
21:06You gave the keys to...
21:07What?
21:07I'm insured out of my arse, mate.
21:09Nothing can touch me.
21:10I'm covered.
21:11So, sushi or cappuccino?
21:13I'm easy.
21:13Shit.
21:14He doesn't care.
21:15Mark's in the clear.
21:16It's going to be me and superhands.
21:19Forever.
21:20No, don't go, because...
21:22I'm sorry, Mark, I just can't take these lies anymore.
21:25He smashed up your car.
21:26He did it because he hates you, really.
21:30You really are a bitter loser, aren't you, Mr. No-Logo, Mr. Work-A-Day for World Peace.
21:37Mark, should we split?
21:38But you two, this is never going to work.
21:41You don't know him.
21:42You don't know anything about him.
21:43How does he like his toast?
21:45He likes it in a business class seat of a Virgin Atlantic flight to New York City.
21:49He likes it with a...
21:49Wrong!
21:50He likes one brown with marmite and one white with lime marmalade.
21:54I'm so out of here.
21:55No, no, don't go.
21:56You can't, because...
21:58The truth is, he doesn't love you for your business plan.
22:01He loves you for your...
22:03He loves you for you.
22:07Jeremy, for God's sake!
22:08Mark's gay, Johnson.
22:09I can handle that.
22:10I'm fine with that.
22:12Are you?
22:13Look, I'm a businessman.
22:16That's what I am.
22:17That's what I do.
22:19I don't want this.
22:21I didn't come here for this.
22:23Mark, you don't love me, do you?
22:25Love you?
22:26Of course not.
22:28No.
22:31Yes.
22:32Yes, maybe a bit.
22:33I do possibly somewhat.
22:35But, Alan, it's not how it seems.
22:38I'm 85% sure I'm straight.
22:41It's just...
22:42I do have feelings for you,
22:44and in principle, I'm not against more...
22:48It's just...
22:49I don't think I'll know till it's right there in front of me
22:52whether I'll be able to go through with it.
22:54Okay?
22:55You love me, not the business.
22:58I just don't know anymore!
23:00I think it's best if you go now.
23:07Yeah.
23:10My name is Andre.
23:11I'm 25 years old.
23:12I'm a chef.
23:13Not this.
23:14I don't want this.
23:15Not now.
23:16I'm not gay.
23:17Possibly bi, but basically uncurious.
23:20I love beauty.
23:22I hate arrogance.
23:22And I love sucking cock.
23:26The bad thing.
23:27That was the bad thing.
23:38Right, my turn now.
23:39I don't know why it's so blue
23:47The sun's gonna shine on everything blue
23:51The sky's so blue
23:57The sun's gonna shine on everything
24:01You