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00:00Life's all pain.
00:27Pain, rejection and gloom.
00:28Why do we even pretend there's anything but a yawning blankness at the heart of...
00:33Hey, 33% extra free.
00:36I am doing excellent shopping.
00:38My depressed state of mind means I'm being even more frugal than normal.
00:42Mark!
00:43Hey, Jeremy.
00:44You realise that tinned food is just for crackheads and wars?
00:48Oh, oh, no, no.
00:50Mate, this stuff's 78 pence 100 millilitres.
00:53Well, yeah. I mean, it's first pressing.
00:55Or do you want to wait till everyone else has had their fun with the olives?
00:58Fourth pressing.
00:59Yeah, like that's going to be a party in your mouth, I don't think.
01:02Look, Jeremy, we've been through this before.
01:04I do the joint shopping solo because I don't make impulse purchases and I'm less swayed by the power of...
01:10Mark! I'm not shopping.
01:12I just came here to tell you that we've been invited to a very wicked party.
01:16Do I look like the kind of man who goes to wicked parties?
01:19Why didn't you ask Tony?
01:20I did, actually, but she said no.
01:22But it's better this way.
01:23You know, two lads.
01:25We've got to get out there, grooving, doing it, you know?
01:28I mean, it's been a long time for either of us.
01:30I mean, I haven't had my oats in something like two weeks.
01:34Nine months and 13 days.
01:36I mean, look at us.
01:37People are going to think we spend the whole time wanking.
01:39Don't be ridiculous.
01:41They're homey.
01:42They're for wiping up mess.
01:43Yeah, man mess.
01:44Why do you think they're called man size?
01:46Well, they're for men.
01:47Men's noses.
01:48Big manly snot.
01:52Oh, Mark.
01:53Come on, man.
01:54Let it go.
01:55What?
01:56Why do you have to have a huge can of lager that makes you really, really drunk?
02:00What's wrong with moderation?
02:01Yeah, but what if you want to get Sophie back home?
02:03You might want to get her all lathered up.
02:05Well, I don't think that's going to be happening any time soon.
02:07Oh, shit.
02:08Did you?
02:09Mm-hmm.
02:09And she...
02:11I mean, it's not a date or anything, because I've got a mega pass.
02:16How do you feel about Roji, by the way?
02:18Tonight?
02:20Yeah, I thought...
02:21Oh, Mark, listen, I'm sorry.
02:23I'd love to, but I've got this thing.
02:27Oh, man, I'm...
02:29But listen, this is the perfect time to get back in the game.
02:32You know?
02:33Two guys together, out, looking for it.
02:37No, thank you.
02:38I mean, how much pain can I experience at home with a spaghetti carbonara and Das Boot?
02:43Look, it's eight o'clock on a Friday night.
02:45Most people don't do their shopping right now, yeah?
02:47Most people are out right now, yeah?
02:49That's right.
02:50No cues.
02:51So who exactly is winning, eh?
02:53Okay, well, I'm here, so I'll just sit here and drink.
03:03No one can stop me doing that.
03:05Just drink myself to death.
03:07I bet he gets sex tonight and I have to listen to the whole thing through the wall.
03:13Maybe she might go to the bathroom and accidentally come back into my room.
03:19And then what?
03:19She fucks you?
03:20No, she says whoops and goes out again.
03:22Stop doing this to yourself.
03:24So, safe party, yeah?
03:27Super safe.
03:29Okay, okay.
03:30Playing it cool, huh?
03:32Alright.
03:33How about I go a little Oscar Wilde on your ass?
03:36So, uh, I always go for the first pressing, you know?
03:39I mean, why wait till everyone else has had their fun with the olives?
03:42Right?
03:43Ha!
03:44Ha!
03:44What's her problem?
03:46This is the 21st century.
03:48Olive oil is a perfectly acceptable topic.
03:53Someone here's got psoriasis.
03:55One of the less common skin ailments.
03:58Basic yeast infection.
04:00Thrush if you're thinking glamorous.
04:02Athlete's foot if you're not.
04:03A fellow migraine sufferer.
04:06Everyone at this party isn't as young, fit and single as they're making out.
04:10Yep, let's face it, we're all falling apart piece by piece.
04:16Doesn't matter if you're single or in a couple.
04:18You are going to die.
04:25Uh, uh, frozen stuff.
04:28I, uh, don't want them to, you know, thaw.
04:35Hey, you got Finder's Crispy Pancakes?
04:38I love them.
04:39They're just so disgusting, aren't they?
04:43Uh, yeah.
04:44So my sister, who's a smack head, I ended up there for Christmas dinner.
04:48And we had turkey Finder's Crispy Pancake.
04:51That was Christmas dinner.
04:53I wanted to kill myself.
04:55That would be the natural reaction.
04:58Can I have a jam donut?
05:00Uh, yeah, sure.
05:03So, um, who exactly are you trying to bone tonight?
05:06Oh, I'm not in the game.
05:08If I can get my shopping home intact, I'll be happy.
05:11Just, like, be honest about it, you know?
05:14I mean, there's line-up to naked rows.
05:17Best-looking people can pick the best-looking people.
05:20The dregs can be left with the dregs,
05:21and we can all just go home early and get it over with.
05:24That, to me, is actually a very attractive system you're proposing.
05:27Yeah, and it saves them all having to humiliate themselves.
05:30Check out this guy.
05:32Yeah.
05:33This is great.
05:40Knew this would pay off.
05:41Talking's bullshit.
05:42Yeah, I did this.
05:43I go there.
05:46Okay.
05:47There's a new guy in town.
05:48Probably just a friend.
05:50Yeah.
05:51Me, her, and her friend.
05:52It's kind of nice, really.
05:55Hey, hey, that's a foul.
05:57Fuck.
05:58God, she must be loving this.
06:00I feel so cheap.
06:02I really thought we had something.
06:03So, you work in an office,
06:06and you've got, like, your computer and your desk.
06:11God, that is so fucking weird.
06:14Yeah, well, you know, everything's decaying.
06:16So, the way I see it,
06:18has there ever been a better time to save up for a very comfortable sofa?
06:22She's a teenager, for God's sake, Mark.
06:25You'll get castrated by the menfolk.
06:27Maybe she's a...
06:29Oh, God.
06:30Hey, hey, love the suit.
06:32You selling insurance?
06:35Hey, no need to look like you're sat on a brush, man.
06:37We're only rezzing you.
06:38We are the mods.
06:40We are the mods.
06:41We are, we are, we are the mods.
06:45My brother is such a dickhead.
06:47I wish he was dead.
06:49Oh, that's a bit much.
06:50Just pretend you need his bone marrow.
06:52Apparently, that's agony.
06:53I can't believe she's snogging him already.
06:58The dream is over.
07:00I am detritus.
07:01Hey, Jez.
07:03I just wanted to tell you, we're going to the Laser Bowl.
07:06We're going to the Laser Bowl?
07:07Yeah, but me and Valerie, we were going to kill her brother,
07:10but then we thought it might be more fun to just go to the Laser Bowl.
07:14Me, you and Valerie are going to the Laser Bowl?
07:16I hadn't thought you would be here.
07:18Maybe I'll see you later at home, yeah?
07:21Do you think, would you mind taking the shopping?
07:25I've left some stuff in the freezer compartment.
07:28Hey, maybe I could bring someone along?
07:30Er, I mean, I guess.
07:34I know, I'll call Tony.
07:36Yeah, no, this is perfect.
07:37Because I'll just say, hey, me, Mark and Valerie are off down the Laser Bowl.
07:42Do you want a piece of the action?
07:43And she'll be like, hell yeah, why the hell not?
07:46You think so?
07:51Yeah, so he was all, do you want a piece of the action?
07:54And I was all, hell yeah.
07:56I mean, this is definitely not the rehearsal.
08:00Why not go to the Laser Bowl with the kid next door?
08:03I mean, honestly, why the hell not?
08:05I've got to take Jeremy's advice more often.
08:07I'm out on a date with a teenage goth smoking pot in the Laser Bowl toilets.
08:13This is it.
08:14This is literally it.
08:16This is the sort of thing people do when they're having a good time.
08:21Um, I don't know if...
08:23It's good stuff, Mark.
08:25I strongly advise you to toke it.
08:28Um, do you want me to give you blowback?
08:36What, here?
08:38Oh my God, it's the last days of Rome.
08:40Sure, just, um, open your mouth and breathe in when I clip my fingers, yeah?
08:44Wow!
08:51I've been initiated.
08:52I am a drug user.
08:54Fuck the police!
08:55This is it, mate.
08:56We're having it.
08:57Super nice.
08:57Jez, the faces.
09:00The faces.
09:01I feel strange.
09:03Do you?
09:04Follow the fingers.
09:05Follow the fingers.
09:06Don't poke my eyes.
09:07Don't poke my eyes.
09:08Are you getting visuals?
09:09I don't think so.
09:10What if I lose it?
09:11I'm not going to do a poo, am I, Jez?
09:13No, of course not.
09:14Look, everything's going brilliantly, right?
09:17And we've got to work together as a team.
09:19Let's work things up into a bit of a lather, yeah?
09:22Follow my lead.
09:23Jez is so great.
09:25He's like an idiot savant, but not so stupid.
09:28I bet he's totally sorting this whole night in his head for us right now.
09:32I could say we've both got enormous cocks.
09:35Might be the clincher.
09:36This is great, isn't it?
09:38This is so it.
09:40I'm having a just great time.
09:44Great.
09:46So, girls, what's the weirdest place you've ever done it?
09:53I had a steward eat me at the multi-faith area at Dubai Airport.
09:56God, that was depressing.
09:58Yeah, right.
10:00Valerie, how about you?
10:02I believe true love waits.
10:04Uh-huh, yeah.
10:06Me too.
10:08Jesus, I'm kidding.
10:10Yeah, right, obviously, no.
10:13Me too.
10:14Okay, so, what's everyone's favourite record?
10:20Jesus.
10:21What was all that about?
10:23I guess you just really like Sledgehammer.
10:25I mean, that is a shit song, right?
10:28Yeah.
10:29Forgive me, Peter.
10:30I mean, it's so outdated.
10:33Exactly.
10:34And suddenly, I'm up in front of the middle-aged court for crimes against being an old fucker.
10:39Right.
10:40I mean, what's her problem?
10:41I've never heard of level 42 either.
10:44Guys, I'm so sorry.
10:46Hey, gotcha, boy.
10:52You are allowed to hit the pins, you know.
10:53You are?
10:54Yeah.
10:55In some bowling alleys, it's actually encouraged.
10:57Oh, right.
10:57I didn't want to disturb them.
10:59Well, that's very kind of you.
11:00You're quite the gentleman.
11:02Hey, spread them.
11:09Oh, my God.
11:10Oh, my God.
11:12Oh, my God.
11:12Hi, Mark.
11:13Hi, Sophie.
11:17This is Valerie.
11:19Hi.
11:20How's it going?
11:21Good, thanks.
11:22And you too?
11:23Oh, yeah, yeah, fine.
11:26I, Valerie and I, I mean, we just met at a party and we thought, you know, we'd come here for a few bowls.
11:36But I'm high, obviously.
11:38How about you?
11:39Right.
11:40I've been with Jeff.
11:41Jeff?
11:42All right, Mark.
11:43This should be in the bag.
11:47She's come to the Laser Bowl with me.
11:49Why isn't this in the bag?
11:50She looks like she hates me.
11:52What?
11:54It's eat as much as you can, you know.
11:55No, it's eat as much as you like.
11:58There's no competitive element implied.
12:00At $3.99, I think I know who's winning.
12:02How dare she criticise Peter Gabriel with her little screw me haircut and also, you know, he single-handedly created Womad.
12:12Oh, God, please stop talking about Peter Gabriel.
12:16I can't believe it.
12:19I'm on a double date with guys from the office.
12:22It's like being all friends.
12:24Yeah, this is great.
12:27So, um, do you guys get pissed at the Christmas party and photocopy your arses?
12:33Yeah.
12:34Jeff did do that, actually.
12:35Yeah, but that was before everyone else started doing it.
12:37No, that's true.
12:38You were something of a trendsetter in that area.
12:40So, Valerie, you still at school or what?
12:44She's at college, actually.
12:47Sixth form college.
12:48Yeah, that's still college.
12:50Right.
12:51So, what's your favourite subject, then?
12:52I'm sure Valerie doesn't want to talk about subjects.
12:54She's bowling.
12:55Yeah, sure, sure, of course, yeah.
12:57So, who do you think's best in S Club, then?
12:59Oh, um, I'm not really into them.
13:03But, um, I hear they have a big gay following.
13:05For the worst thing that could possibly happen, this is actually going extremely well.
13:19Maybe I can just really get into Peter Gabriel and go mental and marry her and cut off from society
13:24and just have lots of sex and agree with her the whole time about everything.
13:29I'm bursting.
13:31This is why you should stick to the little cans.
13:34Ah, the simple pleasures.
13:36Oh.
13:37You having a good night?
13:38Uh, yeah, yeah.
13:41Nice bowling.
13:43You seem to have narrowed it down to the one lane, anyway.
13:46Well, you know, it's just a bit of fun.
13:48Oh, God, go.
13:50I'm never going to be able to go now.
13:52Why can't I go?
13:53Yeah, just a bit of fun.
13:56Nice after a lovely Italian and a couple of bowls of wine.
13:58Fuck.
13:59Italian wine.
14:01Sophie seemed to like it anyway.
14:02Why didn't I ask her?
14:04She was loving it, actually.
14:05It's all shit.
14:08Waterfalls.
14:09Nothing.
14:11Pretend you've finished.
14:12Ah.
14:17Mark, can you break a teller for the Johnny machine?
14:19What?
14:21You...
14:21Actually, I think I'm alright.
14:22I'm thinking a couple of packs of normal.
14:28Obelis are a bit of a con, aren't they?
14:30Maybe a couple of fruities for a laugh.
14:33She hates fruit, except pears.
14:35If there's pear flavour, I'm fucked.
14:37Well, I can't stop hanging on for you, because I never started hanging on for you.
14:41Well, here's the headlines, buddy.
14:44I can do who I want, when I want, where I want, and I will, okay?
14:48This is not the rehearsal.
14:54Come on.
14:55Clock's ticking.
14:56Gotta raise my game.
14:57Think witty.
14:59Charming and witty.
15:00And sexy.
15:02Sorry about that.
15:03Listen.
15:03So, fourth pressing, fifth pressing.
15:07What's that all about?
15:08Why wait till everyone else has had their fun with the olives?
15:11That is so true.
15:22Listen, let's talk more back at my place, yeah?
15:25Oh, my God.
15:26I knew it.
15:27Olive oil talk.
15:28Wicked.
15:29So, this is nice.
15:31Kind of weird, but...
15:33Nice, yeah.
15:35Great.
15:35So, I was just wondering how you ended up coming out with Jeff.
15:41Oh, right.
15:42Um, well, I suppose, what he asked me.
15:46He asked you, of course.
15:48Is that all it takes?
15:50Well, it certainly helps.
15:51I mean, I did actually ask you myself.
15:54Yes, well, I was already, uh, and I didn't say anything because, well, you know.
16:01So, uh, Valerie seems nice.
16:03Oh, Valerie, she's nothing.
16:05Oh, right.
16:05That didn't sound good.
16:06I mean, it's just a little night out.
16:09But, uh, I'm a friend of her brother's.
16:11He's a total wanker, actually.
16:14So, have you had a good time on your date?
16:17Yes, I mean, yeah.
16:19You know what you're getting with Pizza Hut.
16:20Ha, idiot.
16:21I win.
16:22Cool.
16:23So, old, uh, seat sniffer.
16:27He didn't sniff any of the seats or anything, did he?
16:29That's a joke, Mark.
16:30A rumour that I don't think it's appropriate for you to...
16:33Jeff's a nice guy.
16:34A nice guy?
16:35He should have...
16:36Look, I'm having a nice time.
16:37Let's just leave it at that, OK?
16:39You're having a good time.
16:40Yeah, I am.
16:41Good.
16:42Because, obviously, I'm having a great time, too.
16:44Well, that makes two of us.
16:45Because, like I said, I'm having a great time.
16:47She's not going to do it.
16:48They won't do it.
16:53Wow.
16:53Fuck you, Lord of Death.
16:55I'm still full of piss and vinegar.
16:57Mmm, doing it with a sexy neighbour.
16:59Ouch.
17:00That...
17:01Why is she sucking it?
17:02Oh, maybe she's practising for my...
17:04Are you allowed to say when it hurts?
17:06Oh, shit!
17:08So, I divided them into three piles.
17:11Yours, mine, and don't knows.
17:14Yeah, whatever.
17:15Maybe this is good.
17:17Maybe this kind of turns me on.
17:20All right, well, if it doesn't matter to you,
17:22I'm having the Bundu Boys album.
17:24Bollocks, you are!
17:25You'd never even have heard of them if it wasn't for me.
17:27That is such shit!
17:28I think maybe I'll, um...
17:30You're not going anywhere.
17:40We'd have to do something a bit special to catch me up now, mate.
17:43Don't let him know he's got to you.
17:45Play it cool.
17:46Play it suave.
17:49Oh, I think I can manage that, mate.
17:58Watch me bowl, Jeff.
18:02I'm bowling, all right?
18:04I'm bowling fruit!
18:05I'm on another level!
18:12I've gone beyond!
18:13I'm on another level!
18:22Fancy a refill?
18:24Uh...
18:26Okay.
18:30This is some sort of test.
18:31Like, the great escape.
18:33Don't answer in English.
18:35Just gotta brave it out.
18:37Jeremy's a musician.
18:40Uh-huh.
18:41Yeah, I play the keyboard.
18:44You always fancied one of those keyboards you hold like a guitar,
18:47didn't you, Tony?
18:49Used to like a lot of things.
18:51They're going to use me for a sex game and then burn me in the bath.
18:55Isn't this great that the three of us can sit and have a drink together like adults?
19:00Yeah, we're great, aren't we?
19:03In fact, why don't we have a toast?
19:06To us?
19:09To us.
19:11To us.
19:13Oh, come on.
19:14Someone get that carving knife and let's get it over with.
19:17Do you think I like this job?
19:19Do you think it makes it any easier for me spending the rest of the night
19:22trying to prize shopping out of our frankly antiquated system?
19:27I'm sorry.
19:28I'm really sorry.
19:29I thought they would just...
19:31I've got your number, mate.
19:33I've got you by the shoes.
19:35He doesn't care about the shoes.
19:39Fuck your shoes.
19:40Come on, he said he's sorry.
19:42Give him back the shoes.
19:43What do you know about my shoes?
19:45Look, we're going to head off, okay?
19:47Um, but I can vouch for him, so could you put it all on my card?
19:50Look, don't go.
19:52Sophie, you should stay and bowl.
19:55Bowl the night away with us.
19:57Uh, I don't know.
19:58I think...
19:59Once they get the stuff out, we can have a little tournament.
20:01It'll be fun.
20:02Uh, Mark, I don't want to be a killjoy, but I don't think the plastic could take the strain.
20:07Mark, they're going home to bone, yeah?
20:09Uh, just don't screw things up.
20:13Well, you have a good night now.
20:15Bye.
20:16Don't think about it.
20:18If you don't think about it, it won't happen.
20:22Straight to Frenching.
20:24This is so easy.
20:25I bet Sophie and Jeff are doing a lot of talking right now.
20:28Yeah, she can really talk.
20:30Probably boring and rigid about the Celestine prophecies.
20:33Maybe Jeff's bought loads of booze.
20:36Sophie could be really pissed.
20:37Too pissed to mind.
20:39Ow!
20:39She's squeezing my...
20:41Don't complain.
20:43Is she going for...
20:44But I'm not ready.
20:46There's no action down there.
20:48Jeremy, are you not...
20:50Look, are you sure this is okay?
20:53You know, isn't Tony going to mind?
20:55Tony lost his licence to mind when he went off with a scrubber called Lindsay!
21:02She hasn't said anything about my nuts.
21:05She's probably too young to know how weird they are.
21:08I'm having sex with a teenage girl.
21:12Sophie wouldn't.
21:13Not with the seat sniffer.
21:15I mean, we've got a connection.
21:17This is not wrong.
21:19Just try and memorise it for later.
21:22Mmm, this could be nice.
21:24Nice, lovely neck rub.
21:26She's strangling me.
21:27She's trying to kill me!
21:29I can't...
21:31I can't...
21:34Jesus, Valerie.
21:37What?
21:38Why didn't you say if you didn't like it?
21:41My ex used to love that.
21:42Well, yeah.
21:44Thanks.
21:46It was just the...
21:47Not breathing.
21:49You know.
21:51Oh, my God.
21:52Oh, my God.
21:53Oh, my God.
21:53You can be as loud as you like.
21:58Oh, God.
21:59Oh, God.
22:00This is great.
22:02I'm having great sex.
22:06Oh.
22:07Yeah, yeah.
22:08Can we close the door?
22:11The idea of getting caught turns me on.
22:14But we've already been caught.
22:17What about the cappuccino machine?
22:19You're never taking the cappuccino machine?
22:22Oh, dear.
22:23Yeah!
22:23Thanks for letting me stay.
22:26Just my sitters in my room and...
22:28No problem, I'll be fine on the sofa.
22:31Have you got everything you need?
22:33Do you want me to leave the hall light on?
22:36Mark.
22:37No, right, sure, of course.
22:39God, she does look kind of great in my pyjamas.
22:42That's sick.
22:43Why is that sick?
22:44Valerie, I was thinking, the sofa is a bit...
22:48Oh, my God, Jeremy, this is the best set ever!
22:54Yeah, so I was...
22:56The sofa, it's a bit...
22:57Oh, my daddy!
23:27Oh, my God!
23:28Oh, my God!
23:30Yeah, so the sofa, it's a very nice chance.
23:33Oh, my God!
23:35I'm not sure.
23:35I'm not sure.