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00:00I'm not sick but I'm not well
00:05And I'm so hard
00:09Cause I'm an elf
00:25It's beautiful isn't it?
00:27Yeah. Yeah it is.
00:30Yeah.
00:31This is bad. Very bad.
00:33The canal. Perfect venue for the emotional bump off.
00:36Cause if I start screaming there's no one to hear.
00:39On the plus side she's obviously confident I'm not a potential murderer.
00:43Listen Jez honey I need to talk to you about something. About us.
00:49Here it comes. No blubbing. No garment rending.
00:52Yeah?
00:53Jez I've got a biggie to ask you. Would you consider marrying me?
00:58Yes!
00:59Obviously it wouldn't be a real wedding.
01:02No? Oh right. In that case. Yes!
01:07See it's just my visa's run out and the home office called.
01:11I mean I know a couple gay guys would be up for it but I...
01:14Oh Nancy don't marry those gays. Marry me.
01:17Honey you understand this would just be an administrative procedure right?
01:21Exactly. The happiest administrative procedure of our lives.
01:27Hey! I'm home. I've got gladiator on DVD.
01:31Apparently there's an outtake where this extra gets piked and you can see all the...
01:36Jez you're cleaning the bathroom.
01:38That's right my friend.
01:39Why? Sex slavery? Murder clear up?
01:43See if it's alright with you, which I'm sure it will be, Nancy's moving in.
01:47She is?
01:48As a natural precursor to us getting married. On Friday.
01:52You're getting married?
01:53That's right.
01:54Why?
01:55Well, because we love each other. Also partially for visa reasons.
02:00What do you want me to do with all your toilet books?
02:02Don't you think Nancy isn't she... using you a bit?
02:07Oh. Okay. Great. Well thanks for your show of support mate.
02:11I was going to ask you to be best man but actually maybe I should ask Super Hands now instead. Yeah?
02:16Yeah. Well sure. If that's the way you feel, maybe you should.
02:20You're just jealous because you want to get married. To Sophie.
02:24Jeremy, I'm totally and completely over Sophie.
02:27Oh sure. And I suppose that's the reason why you wrote her name on every single egg under the word bird.
02:38So, Super Hands. What have you been up to?
02:40Long weekend. Looking into the mirror.
02:42Oh right. Bit of soul-searching was it?
02:44Cocaine, Mark. Cocaine. Fancy a punt on the quizzy?
02:48Shit a bit of data out of that bunged up brain box.
02:51I'll do the buttons. Do the answers.
02:53So, listen. I wanted to have a chat about Nancy.
02:57You mean Yoko?
02:58Yeah. Hello marriage, goodbye major recording contract.
03:01So, you agree it's a terrible...
03:03Capital of Indonesia.
03:04Er, Jakarta.
03:06Correct.
03:07Yeah, she's got trouble written right the way through her like a stick of Brighton rock.
03:11So, I thought we could split them up.
03:13Maybe you could tell him you got off with her.
03:15Fucking hell, that's a bit strong.
03:17Where might you find a diphthong?
03:19Er, it's an element of speech.
03:20Where might you find one?
03:21In a word.
03:23Good boy. Why don't you do it?
03:25He'd never believe it, whereas you...
03:27Yeah, no, you're right, yeah. Much more believable.
03:29Jamie Lee Curtis, born a hermaphrodite. True or false?
03:32Urban myth.
03:33I don't know. I don't want to come out fine with just my cock in me hands.
03:38If I go for it, are you going to back me up?
03:40Oh, this is for the jackpot.
03:42Of course I'll back you up.
03:43What kind of animal was Rikki-Tikki-Tavi?
03:45A mongoose.
03:46Piss off. A little rat.
03:47He was a mongoose.
03:48Rat.
03:49A mongoose.
03:50See? I told you.
03:53Yeah.
03:54But I was in charge of the buttons, Mark.
03:56I drew a line. You crossed that line.
03:58I don't have to have a think about you.
04:01I don't know if you can be trusted in a combat situation.
04:07Thanks so much for sorting me out with this, Tony.
04:09You would not believe how hard it is to get into trainers and architecting.
04:12It's practically a closed shop.
04:17I love this.
04:18Yeah, well, I'll take all the phone monkeys I can wrangle.
04:22It's great, though.
04:23My own phone. My own space.
04:26Might move that to there.
04:28Me, bringing home the bacon for my fiancée.
04:31How was the yank?
04:32She started spanking your plank again?
04:34That's not terribly important, really, Tony.
04:37You see, we're very much in love.
04:39Cheers. I've seen love's story.
04:41I know how it ends, yeah?
04:43Here's a clue.
04:44Somebody dies.
04:45Somebody dies.
04:48I can't believe you wanted to meet for lunch.
04:50You really meant it about being friends.
04:52Of course I meant it, Mark.
04:53So how have you been?
04:54Fine, fine.
04:55The human being's basic needs are really very simple.
04:58Food, liquid, entertainment, and a release of fluids at regular intervals.
05:02Nice. And how's your love life?
05:04Love life may be a rather grandiose term for staring at women on the bus.
05:07Oh, shut up. You just need to find someone you like.
05:09Oh, what about her? I know her. She's a friend of Nancy's.
05:12Hi, Karen.
05:13Sophie, be quiet.
05:15You like her.
05:17I don't necessarily like her.
05:19Yes, you do. Go and talk to her and tell her you like her hair.
05:21You do realise it's me you're talking to, yeah? Not an Italian builder.
05:24Okay. Well, I'll go and talk to her for you.
05:27Sophie, no. No, Sophie, no, don't.
05:30Oh, God. This is terrible.
05:33Maybe it'll go really well and I'll have a double wedding with Jeremy on Friday.
05:37Oh, no. She's coming.
05:39Must think words. Funny words.
05:43Hi there.
05:44Hi. Hi.
05:46Say, isn't it funny, all the coffee?
05:50What's with all the coffee?
05:52Listen, I'm just going to go over to my stupid friend and grrrr, give her a good shake.
05:58But if you ever want to call me about anything, then I'm in the book. Mark Corrigan.
06:05Too formal. Lighten things up. Light, not slimy.
06:11Oh, can't retract the wink. Unless...
06:15See you.
06:18Brilliant. The twitching freak. Works every time.
06:22Who needs to go off to Amsterdam paintballing in a go-cart? You know, that is such bullshit.
06:29No danger, my friend. No danger. Just a load of old mates in the boozer, loving it.
06:33And, is it perhaps time we had a word with Jeremy?
06:37Oh, yeah. Er, Jez, listen.
06:39Oi, oi! Tequila Slammers!
06:41Three!
06:42Three, two, one, lift off!
06:49Mate, aren't you going to slam?
06:50I don't drink. It's a Buddhist thing.
06:54What's his name again?
06:55Sam. Mate of Darren's.
06:57Come on, it's a stag night. You've got to slam on a stag night.
07:00Slam! Slam! Slam! Slam! Slam! Slam! Slam! Slam! Slam! Slam!
07:11Ouch. I think he made me bored. I wasn't too pleased.
07:15When are you going to say something, Superhands?
07:21I don't know, Mark. I'm having second thoughts. He seems really happy.
07:25Come on, you said it. She's Yoko, remember?
07:28Well, hey, you guys!
07:30Sam's going to be out in an hour or two, so...
07:33I'd like you to remember, or what?
07:34Yeah.
07:38Listen, Jez, there's something I've been meaning to tell you that I didn't want to tell you.
07:42Yeah?
07:43Yeah, it's about Nancy. I know you two aren't doing it, and it must have got to her,
07:50because the other day, she sucked me off.
07:56While I was having a whittle.
07:59What?
08:00Yeah. Not just as, obviously, but right after.
08:04I didn't want to. She's obviously into that sort of thing.
08:07It was pretty disgusting.
08:10I don't believe you.
08:11Seriously?
08:12I wouldn't lie about a thing like this.
08:14Anyway, Mark saw the whole thing.
08:18Mark?
08:19Yep.
08:21I wouldn't have believed it, but I saw the whole darn shooting match.
08:26Really?
08:27Afraid so. Definitely.
08:30Fuck, I can't believe she'd do something like that.
08:32Jez, mate. Cheer up. You'll get over her.
08:36How could she do something like that to me? Oh, God.
08:39I love her.
08:42I really love her.
08:43What am I going to do?
08:46You'd have forgotten her in a week.
08:51You know what you like, you big idiot.
08:55Everything's turned from gold.
08:57It's a shit.
08:58Huh?
08:59Jez?
09:00Yeah?
09:01It was... a joke.
09:04A joke?
09:05Yeah, we were joking. She didn't suck his widdle. It was a put-on.
09:19Yeah. We stagged you. Good and proper. Oh, right. Brilliant. Yeah, you fucking guys. You got me all right.
09:46Yeah. Brilliant.
09:57There he goes. Dead man walking. I tried. I failed. Got to let him make his own mistakes. Like Dad did with me and the strimmer.
10:07She looks lovely, doesn't she?
10:09Yeah.
10:10Jesus. Didn't realise I was with the fucking Nancy Appreciation Society.
10:13Tony, if you'd like to bang her, why don't you just come out and say it?
10:17OK.
10:18I would like to bang her.
10:24Hi. We're here to get married.
10:26Just one thing before we start. For us to be a bit different, when I'm meant to say I do, I want to say do I.
10:33I'm sorry?
10:34You know, do I, as in do I ever.
10:38Look, you should have spoken to someone about this before.
10:40No, but do I, as in do I.
10:43I'm sorry. He's just excited because we're both so happy to be getting married.
10:47Where's Sophie? She said she'd be here. Don't get hung up, Mark. It's over. Case closed.
10:54Do you take Nancy as your wife and promise to walk by her side forever as her best friend, her lover and her soulmate?
11:03Do I?
11:06Say I do.
11:07I do.
11:13It was a lovely service, wasn't it?
11:15I know some people go for that whole country church vibe, but we were like, you know, who's this wedding for? Us or the tourist board?
11:22Yeah?
11:23Hey, Nance. You've met Auntie Helen.
11:25Hi. Listen, Jez, I've got great news.
11:28Oh, brilliant. What?
11:29What?
11:30The health club called. The receptionist job. I'm underqualified, but if I make it there by four, they'll consider me.
11:36Oh, okay.
11:38You're not going.
11:40No. Obviously. Yeah. You must go.
11:44See you later, Jez.
11:46See you later, Mrs. Osborne.
11:49Health club interview. It's a biggie.
11:53Really hope she gets it.
11:55Anyway, on with the wedding.
11:59Jez, you alright?
12:01Superhands has taken four grams of coke to relax him for his speech.
12:04He didn't relax him.
12:11Everything's fucked.
12:12Calm down, Jez. It's going to be okay.
12:14Maybe you were right, Mark. This wedding's all wrong. It's against God and man and the rule of law and nature.
12:20Listen, it's your special day and even if I have to die of anxiety making an off-the-cuff speech, we're going to keep it special.
12:29So, ladies and gentlemen, you'll forgive me, I haven't prepared a proper speech, but then perhaps that's appropriate since this isn't a proper wedding.
12:48Or so the cynics may say. But I say to those cynics, listen, cynics, this is the modern world and just because it's new and strange and unnerving doesn't mean it's not brilliant.
13:05In ancient Rome, they had Cupid. In modern days, it's the Home Office. Love is blind.
13:17That's not a joke about David Blunkett.
13:21No, seriously, I would never make that joke.
13:25So, I say to Jeremy and...
13:28Where's Nancy?
13:29Job interview. Health club. It's a biggie.
13:32Oh, okay. I say to Nancy, good luck with the interview. And I say to Jeremy, good luck with the marriage.
13:44And I think the rest of us can unite in all saying two fingers to the cynics and raising our glasses to true love.
13:55True love.
13:56And this first number is for Jez and Nancy.
14:05There is no reason why I should be some kind of machine in bed just because I meditate.
14:09Hey, Mark. How's it going?
14:11Hey, Karen. Pretty good. And you?
14:13Good, thanks.
14:14It was good to see you in Geno's. Got over the twitch, by the way.
14:18Next time I have acupuncture, I'll get someone else to do it for me.
14:22Hey, look at me go. I'm charming.
14:25Yeah, so sorry if I was acting a bit weird. I guess I just wanted to see if you might want to hang out sometime.
14:31Well, that sounds nice.
14:32I'm a natural. Maybe I should try it on someone better looking.
14:36Hey, Mark. Karen.
14:38Sophie.
14:39Sorry I'm late.
14:41Are you all right?
14:42Yeah. Oh, yeah, I'm fine. Just been basically breaking up with Jeff.
14:46Oh, God, Soph, really?
14:48Yeah. That's all actually finally over.
14:51Oh, Soph, I'm so sorry. That's terrible.
14:53That wasn't convincing.
14:55Well, it's probably for the best.
14:57Anyway, no point moping. Let's get pissed.
15:00Bollocks to love.
15:01Bollocks to love.
15:02Oh, God, I love you. I love you so much.
15:05So, you two getting on well?
15:07Yeah, we just arranged to go out, actually.
15:10Oh, right. Great.
15:12But, I mean, why don't you come too, Soph?
15:14With the both of you.
15:16No, no. Obviously. Come along with Sam.
15:19This is Sam.
15:20Hi.
15:21You two have loads in common. Sam's a lovely single Buddhist.
15:24Just as long as you know I'm not a tantric Superman.
15:30Okay, why the hell not?
15:32Brilliant. The woman you love has only been single for a few minutes,
15:35but already you've found her a nice new boyfriend.
15:38Nice work, Mr. Fucking Stupid.
15:41Hey, guys.
15:43What about if we move this chair from here over to here?
15:48That would be nice, wouldn't it?
15:49Mark, what do you think?
15:51My wife was saying maybe move that to there.
15:55Sure. Whatever.
15:57Yeah. Great one, Lance. Brilliant.
16:00Doobidoo, doobidoo, doobidoo, doobidoo, doobidoo, doobidoo
16:06Nancy, it's lovely, you're doobidooing,
16:10but do you think you could hold on till this is over?
16:13Do I doobidoo? I don't think I did.
16:16You do.
16:18Really?
16:19You definitely do. You were just doobidooing all over the place.
16:22Jo was. I'll stop.
16:26She definitely was.
16:27I know. We know. It's okay. We know.
16:35So, how do you feel it's going, Jez? What do you make of the big bad world of media sales?
16:40I feel like every day quite a big part of me dies forever.
16:46Yeah, still. Welcome to the real world, Jeremy.
16:49Yeah, you keep saying that.
16:51So, how's the marriage?
16:54Oh, good. Pretty good.
16:57You don't sound 110% there.
16:59No, no. It's brilliant. I mean, obviously, there are sometimes little niggles.
17:04Niggles? That doesn't sound good.
17:06Well, I mean, it's all about compromise.
17:08Compromise? Niggles? Jesus, Jez.
17:11You don't think... I mean, isn't it normal for there to be little differences?
17:16No. What sort of things are niggling?
17:19Stupid stuff. You know, what DVDs we watch.
17:22Oh, right. Stupid stuff like what you do with your free time.
17:25Your life. Sounds like you're in a hell hole.
17:29It's true. It is kind of annoying.
17:31Last night we had to watch a whole load of Robin Williams movies.
17:34Oh, Robin Williams. That sap. She likes him. That is so sappy.
17:39He is kind of annoying, isn't he?
17:41The guy is a stupid little... Gherkin. And so is anyone who likes him.
17:46Yeah. He is a bit like a Gherkin.
17:50You know what you should do?
17:52Get some Jim Carrey DVDs.
17:54Have an affair.
17:55What?
17:56Oh, come on. Welcome to the real world, Jeremy.
17:59Can you please stop doing that, Tony?
18:01You think people don't have affairs? Everyone does.
18:05Mummy, Daddy, me, you, John Major.
18:08No, but...
18:09Oh, come on. Affairs are great. They're simple and no one gets hurt.
18:14They're simple?
18:15Sure. As simple as me closing the door.
18:19And then putting my hand down your trousers.
18:28And I was like, you don't have to be enlightened to work here, but it helps.
18:33Sophie's eating up his whole Buddhist shtick. Got to stick it out.
18:38Keep being charming to Sophie, stay cold and unfriendly to Karen without breaking social convention.
18:46Who's that? Hello?
18:49Geoff?
18:51Oh, Jesus. Don't kill me. I'm not her date. Kill him.
18:55Actually, that would be perfect.
18:56You moved on pretty fucking quick, didn't you?
18:58Geoff, now's not the time to talk about this.
19:00No need for talk, Sophie. Just come to pick up a few things.
19:02Don't mind me.
19:03Yeah, right. Don't mind the maniac.
19:05How are we supposed to not mind the maniac?
19:08So, er...
19:10Old question, but...
19:12John or Paul? Who is the best?
19:14I mean, Paul, obviously, but for the sake of argument.
19:17That's mine, pal.
19:19Shit. This is just not normal.
19:21Someone's gotta do something.
19:23He's gonna just stand there doing nothing like Geoff's the invading Chinese army.
19:27They're women. That'll get out.
19:31Oh, God. It's gotta be me.
19:34Listen, Geoff.
19:36I, er...
19:37I think, you know, it's time you left.
19:41Oh, really?
19:43What are you gonna do about it, exactly?
19:45What am I gonna do?
19:47What am I gonna do?
19:49Nothing.
19:51Except stand here, like a civilised man, and wait for you to do the civilised thing, and leave.
20:04Yeah, well, I'll just be getting some CDs out of the bedroom.
20:06Brilliant.
20:09Probably looks like I was ready to punch him, when actually I was gonna use the Buddhist as a human shield.
20:17Why, Lance? This is amazing.
20:20You've been so sweet, putting up with me and my dumb, sappy movies.
20:24Oh, so my mum called today.
20:26She's so pissed we got married, I thought she was gonna shit.
20:30Oh.
20:31But, um, kinda got me thinking.
20:34I mean, although this obviously isn't a real marriage, it still is a marriage, obviously.
20:42Legally, and therefore probably in the eyes of God.
20:47But I thought you thought it was just a stupid piece of paper.
20:49It is, but a potentially holy one.
20:52Anyway, I just got thinking that all those feelings about guilt and shame around sex,
20:58maybe they won't be such a problem anymore.
21:01You mean, we might start to...
21:03Fuck niggles.
21:05She's literally the most beautiful woman I've ever seen.
21:08Oh God, why did I... with Tony?
21:10Just try and forget.
21:12Mash will help.
21:13Mash will clog up the pores in my brain and make everything alright.
21:16Oh, well, you are gonna pay for that!
21:19Oh God, Monsieur.
21:23Tony. Shit. Gotta deal with Tony.
21:26Um, Nance, I'm really sorry, but, um, I've got to go.
21:29Oh.
21:31Okay.
21:32It's, um, Super Hands.
21:34He's thinking about going back on the crack.
21:36I'll, um, I'll get him a scotch egg.
21:38That will usually take his mind off it.
21:40Back in a minute.
21:42Look, Tony, this is... wrong.
21:47Why?
21:49Won't Tony be back soon?
21:51Tony's never coming back.
21:53What?
21:54Tony ran for the hills.
21:55He's back in Lincoln getting his tummy rubbed by lovely mummy.
21:58Shit.
22:00But me and Nancy, we're married and...
22:02What about me, Jeremy?
22:03What about Tony?
22:05Where's my lollipop?
22:07Why should I have to go without a husband all of a sudden?
22:10Where's my piece of pie?
22:12The farmer wants a wife, Jeremy.
22:15Don't answer it.
22:17But, it's Nancy.
22:18Well, cancel it.
22:19Unless, of course, you want me to have a little chat with her.
22:22About you and your cock.
22:28God, what a weird one.
22:30I know.
22:31So, what do you think to Karen?
22:32Oh, she's nice.
22:34Great.
22:35Really nice.
22:38She just isn't...
22:41Isn't what?
22:43You.
22:44I can't give.
22:46I can't give anymore.
22:50Public humiliation.
22:52Welcome to my world, Geoff.
22:54Although, personally, I wouldn't have picked that dress to cry on.
22:57I can't give anymore.
22:58I can't give anymore.
23:02Public humiliation.
23:04Welcome to my world, Geoff.
23:06But I can't forget.
23:07Although, personally, I wouldn't have picked that dress to cry on.
23:10The faces you were leaving, but I guess that's just the...
23:17Hey, Jez.
23:18Hey, Nance.
23:19Hi, Mark.
23:21There you go, hubby.
23:23How'd it go tonight?
23:25Oh, pretty darn well.
23:27Nearly, really, really, nearly finally got it together with Soph.
23:31Excellent.
23:33Oh, yes.
23:34Now it's coming together, my friend.
23:36Look at you with your beautiful American wife
23:39and me with my lovely maybe girlfriend.
23:42Tell you what, we should get a couple of tandems
23:45and go to the Pyrenees and pick grapes or some crazy thing.
23:49Oh, Jez.
23:50I was wondering if you could sleep on the couch tonight.
23:52I'm on my way to see Metallica at Wembley Arena.
23:55And I've taken a couple E's, so I'm going to start feeling pretty horny soon.
23:59And if I meet somebody, which, um, you know, I probably will.
24:03We'll want to come back and vote.
24:05So, I'll need the bed.
24:07Later.
24:08See you later.
24:10Oh.
24:11By the way, we need milk.
24:13Later, Mark.
24:14Uh, okay, later.
24:16Metallica?
24:17Milk?
24:20Is everything all right?
24:22I had an affair with Tony by mistake,
24:25and Nancy found out because I told her.
24:29Why?
24:31Because of stupid honesty.
24:34Now we're going to stay married,
24:36but apparently our relationship is nothing more than a husk.
24:42A husk?
24:44That doesn't sound good.
24:46Do you think maybe if I plead and plead and plead,
24:51she'll forget all about it and things will go back to like before?
24:57Honestly?
24:58Honestly?
25:02Quite honestly.
25:04Not brutally honestly.
25:08Then...
25:10Yeah, absolutely.
25:14Cheers, mate.
25:16No problem, mate.
25:18I can't live
25:22If living is without you
25:26I can't live
25:30I can't give anymore
25:34I can't live
25:38If living is without you
25:40I can't give
25:41I can't give
25:44I can't give
25:46true