Category
😹
FunTranscript
00:00I'm not sick, but I'm not well
00:05And I'm so hard
00:09Cause I'm in hell
00:20God, you're great.
00:22Thanks, Jez. You're great, too.
00:25Sometimes I'd like to die and climb inside you.
00:29Okay.
00:30Was that too much?
00:32No. Go on. Ask her.
00:35Nancy, I was wondering whether you'd consider being maybe my proper, you know, just you and me girlfriend?
00:46Wow. Wow. I don't know. I mean, that's really nice, Jeremy, but...
00:52There's always a but.
00:54I mean, we're so different. I've got my religion, my yoga size, my charity stuff. I just don't know where you'd fit in as a boyfriend.
01:03But I really like you and we have a great time together.
01:07Well, I really like you, too, and we do have a good time together, but...
01:10That's the second but.
01:12What about all the other stuff?
01:14Other stuff?
01:15Look, obviously God wanted us to enjoy ourselves. I mean, that's why he invented pills and clubs and lube and hardcore.
01:23But he also wanted us to give something back, and that's why he created the homeless, the lepers, and the oil spills.
01:30God. Suck up to God.
01:32Nancy, listen. The only reason that I don't go to church is that, for me, everything's a church.
01:40This room is my church. The hall is my church. Costcutter's is a bloody cathedral.
01:52That's really nice, Jeremy. It's just not true, is it?
01:58End of quarter sales push. Pulling an all-nighter. One of the few in my spitfire.
02:09Who am I kidding? I probably would have crashed my training plane during the phony war.
02:15Uh-oh. Bollocks. Giggling. Sharing.
02:19Should I intervene? No. It's fine. It's totally fine.
02:24Que sera, sera. Whatever will be, will be. The future's not ours to see. If she fucks him, I'll kill myself.
02:35Alright there, mate?
02:36Hi.
02:37Hobnobs. Thought we might like some, mate. You know, pulling an all-nighter, we're all in it together, aren't we, mate?
02:43Right.
02:44Hope this works.
02:45Well, that's nice.
02:50Do you want to come in?
02:51Heh. Mate. The magic code word. Instant rapport with taxi drivers, builders and garage men.
02:57Blimey, mate. Look at all these TVs. You can see it all from in here, can't you?
03:03Yep. So, er, what's your name, pal?
03:06Pal? Is he a pal person?
03:08Mark, pal.
03:10Ah, Terry. Mark here's brought us some biscuits. Cheers, mate.
03:15Now we're back to mate. This is a nightmare.
03:17Er, no problem, mate. Pal.
03:20So, er, I bet I can see my mates from up here, yeah?
03:24Oh, yeah. Look, there they are. Laughing away like a pair of bloody idiots and absolutely nothing.
03:30Well, mate's getting fresh, is he?
03:32Oh, God. Oh, God, no.
03:35Hey, Till. Get me a tape.
03:37Don't tape it. Stop it. Charge up your tasers.
03:41Oh, look at that.
03:43That is hilarious.
03:47I'll tell you what he can give a one from me.
03:50And me.
03:51Brilliant.
03:52God, I'm good. It's a Saturday night and I'm doing good. Come on, give us a smile. You don't know I'm here with an ulterior motive.
04:02Jeremy!
04:03Nancy!
04:04Since when were you involved with street work?
04:06Since forever? Bloody hell, this is amazing. I had no idea you were into this stuff, too.
04:11Really? I'm pretty sure I mentioned it.
04:13No, I don't think you did. Because if you had, I'd have mentioned it, too.
04:17Right.
04:18Yeah, I love hobos. Always have, always will. And they're a great bunch down here, the Jesus Cave crew.
04:24Yeah. Although, don't you think sometimes they can be a bit patronizing?
04:28It's like, sorry we're all out of soup and bread, but, oh, look, this is lucky. We have lots and lots of wine and tiny little wafers.
04:35Yeah, that is so whack. I mean, Jesus fed a multitude of followers with just five loaves and two fishes.
04:41Matthew, chapter 14.
04:44Nancy!
04:48See you later, honey.
04:49Lady, baby.
04:50Mmm, I'll probably get to bone her later.
04:53Cheer up, beardie. Everything's coming up roses.
04:55Another cup of tea? Girlfriend?
05:00I'm good, thanks.
05:02Boyfriend.
05:04Ah, this is the worst bit. I hate this bit. This is the worst bit.
05:11Come on, mate. There's no point torturing yourself.
05:14It's not torture. It's research. Besides, I've got a right to torture myself if I want to. What are you going to do? Call Amnesty?
05:21See? That! That's the push. She can't get away. He's some sort of animal. Did you see the push, Jeremy?
05:27Yeah, sure. That looked terrible.
05:29Looks like a one-off, though, doesn't it? A crazy flash in the pan. Don't you think?
05:34I mean, Nancy, you're her friend. Give me your analysis. I mean, did she tell you what happened after?
05:40Well, apparently, he took her to the bathroom for a little bit of whoop, but Sophie was totally not into it.
05:47Oh.
05:48So, they went back to his place they made out for hours, and she jerked him off.
05:52Oh.
05:53But then he went away, and he hasn't called, and she's really pissed off about it.
05:57Oh. Brilliant.
06:02And our ambition should be to kill clients. I mean, actually kill them, with our levels of service. So they're dead.
06:09She's not gonna smile, Jeff. Not now. You can't laugh at someone you don't trust.
06:14It's like Mum singing the Lumberjack song after she had her affair.
06:17So, Aberdeen. I need a couple of experienced credit managers up there for ten days on-site personnel training.
06:24I was thinking... Sophie and Jeff.
06:27No, no, no! Ten days! He can wheedle his way back in in ten days!
06:33So, unless anyone else has any thoughts, let's wrap up and have a couple of Frappuccinos.
06:37Yes, I have a thought.
06:40Uh-huh.
06:41I very much don't think it's a good idea.
06:44Oh, okay. And why's that?
06:48It's just... a hunch, okay? And I always trust my hunches.
06:53Thanks, Columbo.
06:55And, plus, Jeff doesn't have much experience. The 2003 Scottish Consumer Directive, for example.
07:02I really don't think that affects us, Alan.
07:04Oh, it doesn't affect us that during the first phone contact we're obliged to set out without abbreviation the terms of a standard repayment plan.
07:12I've shot you, Jeff, with a bullet made of Scottish finance regulations.
07:18So, Mark, would you be prepared to go up there with Sophie, if that's the way things panned out?
07:22Yeah, Alan. I suppose I could probably make that. Even if I have to cut off all my limbs and crawl to Aberdeen on my tongue.
07:30I can't believe he's wormed his way back in.
07:34Yeah. Well, his mum was really ill, apparently. That's why he didn't call Sophie.
07:38Bastard. Perfect alibi. Still, thanks for the heads up on the date, mate. Great to be able to monitor.
07:44And if anyone asks, we're just having a lovely, innocent picnic.
07:49Oops. Looks like he's having a bit of trouble with the Humpty. Keeps rolling on out.
07:55Brilliant.
07:57Although, apparently she finds that amusing. They're laughing, Jez. They're having a good time.
08:04Got to stop it. Throw a snack. Hit him on the head. No. Get them to film it. Build up a library of taped evidence.
08:12Right. Evidence that I'm an obsessive voyeur.
08:16Bad news. Bad news. Bad news. Bad news.
08:21Jesus, Jeremy. One bus crash. What about all the buses that made it safely to their destinations, huh?
08:27Yeah. Yeah, this is such bullshit.
08:31Yes, I suppose the news should just be a dispassionate list of all the events that have occurred the world over during the day.
08:36That'd be good. Except, of course, it would take forever.
08:40That's... That's... That's our picnic! You can't see the kettle chips!
08:51Bloody hell.
08:52Whose business is it where you do your drinking?
08:54I wasn't drinking. I was having a picnic.
09:01Hello? Mum, we were having a picnic. Tell Dad it was a picnic. You can't see the crisps.
09:07We had three different flavours of crisps. Explain to him. And Scotch eggs!
09:13Yeah, no, really, I'm... I'm fine. Listen, I've got to go. Cock knobs.
09:20Mark, don't worry. These things, they happen for a reason. It might not seem like there's a plan, but there is a plan.
09:28Oh, right. You believe in a God, do you?
09:30Yes, I do. And you might find it a comfort and a time like...
09:34Nancy, there's no evidence for God, whereas Ofcom has published guidelines.
09:38So does God. It's called the Bible.
09:41Oh, yes, the Bible. And I wonder what the Bible's view is on you doing it.
09:45In the shower and the garden centre and up the bum. I mean, that's alright, is it? That's in the Bible, is it?
09:51Or do you think maybe that's not in the Bible?
09:53Mark!
09:55I'm sure it is in the Bible. Somewhere. Probably in Corinthians. There's a load of weird shit in there.
10:01Are they staring? They're all staring at the drunk off the news. Yeah, well, fuck them. Me and Sophie are going to Aberdeen. I'll make everything alright in Aberdeen.
10:14They're probably not even staring. Just being paranoid as usual. Oh, fuck.
10:20Alright. Ha ha. Very funny. Yeah, I can take a joke as well as anyone else. But if there are any more jokes, I'm taking it to a fucking industrial tribunal. Okay?
10:34Mark. Can I have a word?
10:37Let me explain. It was a picnic. I'm currently speaking to Ofcom.
10:41Right.
10:42I mean, we had three flavours of crisps.
10:44Sure.
10:45Good. Well, I'm glad you understand.
10:47Oh, I understand. Totally.
10:51Mark, listen. I've been there. I've been to the bottom of the bottle and back to the top.
10:57No, Alan, I...
10:59We're kindred spirits, Mark. Like George W. Or Alistair Campbell.
11:04We want it all. We want it now. And if we're not hitting our targets, we're hitting the bottle. Right?
11:10Alan, I'm not an alcoholic.
11:13Sure. Sure you're not. That's what I told myself every day for 15 years. But until you face your demons and put the plug in the jug.
11:23How can I trust you to be my main man in the office? Let alone Frankfurt or Aberdeen?
11:28I've got to go to Aberdeen. I've got the rough guide. I could always sell it on eBay.
11:33No, I've got to go to Aberdeen with Sophie.
11:36Have you found it yet?
11:40Found what?
11:42The bit. You know, the bit where it says it's okay to do it up the bum.
11:46I'm not looking for that. I'm just reading.
11:49Okay. Sorry. Sorry.
11:51Listen, Jez. I want to ask you something. If we can do something very special.
12:03So glad I didn't rub one out in the shower.
12:07I think it's time we break the last taboo.
12:11Brilliant. It's not going to hurt, is it? What is it? Is it in the ear?
12:17Listen. Now we've done it round every which way there is. I'm just wondering if we shouldn't try not doing it.
12:27Not doing it?
12:28Yeah. Wouldn't that be amazing?
12:31No. Not amazing. Wrong. Think brain.
12:35Yeah.
12:37Or, I tell you what. Go the other way. Do a John and Yoko.
12:43Never stop doing it or get out of bed until, like, all the injustice in the world is totally sorted.
12:48Jeremy, I really want to give this a go. It's a real deal breaker for me.
12:53Well then, let's give it a go.
12:56This isn't anything to do with what Mark said, is it?
13:01No, of course not.
13:03Because you know he's just the ghost at the feast, don't you?
13:07I'm so glad you understand. You're great, Jez.
13:11This is fine. We don't need sex. We can talk. Maybe I can get her to talk dirty while I pull myself off.
13:22Hello. My name's Mark.
13:25I'm Mark. And I'm an alcoholic.
13:34So, I'm a lager drinker, mainly.
13:38I think I had my first one when I was about 14.
13:45Hothmeister.
13:47You remember the bear with the pork pie hat?
13:52Yeah.
13:53Surely that's enough.
13:55Let it out.
13:56Yeah.
13:57So, lately it's got really bad.
14:05I've been on the rum and coke.
14:12More?
14:13And vodka and gin all mixed up. It's not even a proper cocktail. It's just made up.
14:21And I just drink that and stay at home.
14:24And eat oven chips.
14:29Out of the bag.
14:31Frozen.
14:35Until I throw up on myself.
14:38That's how pissed I've been.
14:45Thanks.
14:47God, they'll believe anything.
14:49All you've got to do is turn up and moan.
14:51Thank you, Mark.
14:53What's so great about sex, anyway?
14:55It's all in the mind.
14:56Her soft skin is just a big bag full of kidneys and mucus and half-digested bits of pie.
15:02I bet she's got really nice kidneys.
15:04Oh yeah, I'd fuck those kidneys real good.
15:07She looks fine.
15:08Why am I not fine and she's fine?
15:11She's probably getting some, somewhere.
15:14Maybe she's doing it with him.
15:15Excuse me.
15:16Is there a suit with that, mate?
15:17Listen, mate.
15:18Beggars can't be choosers, alright?
15:23Oh, right.
15:24Now they're laughing.
15:25But what's so bloody hilarious?
15:26Right, that's it.
15:27That is the fucking limit.
15:29Hi.
15:30What's so funny?
15:31What's the big joke?
15:32Hey, Jez.
15:33Shouldn't you be sorting out the queue?
15:34Why?
15:35What are you doing that's so important?
15:36Oh, well, I was just helping them fill out some benefit forms.
15:38God, they're a real pain.
15:41I'm gonna go do the soup.
15:45I know your game.
15:46I know what you're up to, Nim.
15:48What?
15:49Oh, sure.
15:50Yeah, you need help filling your forms in.
15:52Oh, please, Mrs.
15:53I've been on the streets for so long,
15:55I've forgotten how to use a pen.
15:58She offered and I just said yes.
16:00Why do you even need them at all?
16:05Oh, my forms.
16:06My precious forms.
16:08I've got my eye on you, mate.
16:16It's fine.
16:17There's nothing to worry about.
16:18She's not fucking anyone.
16:19We're just sitting, watching TV.
16:25That's bad body language.
16:26She hasn't mentioned that homeless guy once.
16:28Probably wants me to forget all about him.
16:30Oh, that's it.
16:31She's off.
16:32She's leaving me.
16:33Fuck!
16:34Where are you going?
16:35Just wanted some more juice.
16:36You want some?
16:37Sure.
16:38Relax.
16:39Play it cool.
16:40She loves me.
16:41She's not just here because she hasn't got a TV.
16:46Oh.
16:47Listen, Jez.
16:48I forgot to mention, Nim's going to be moving into my flat.
16:50What the fuck?
16:51Nim?
16:52The homeless guy?
16:53Just until he gets his own hostel place.
16:56Oh, Jesus, Jez.
16:57Nothing's going to happen.
16:58He's homeless, Jez.
17:00He sleeps rough every night.
17:02Exactly.
17:03He's fine.
17:04It's what he does.
17:05It's his whole thing.
17:06He probably loves it.
17:07The rolling hills.
17:08The heather.
17:09Don't fence him in.
17:10It's only until they sort out his claim.
17:12Look, this is ridiculous.
17:13We've got this massive sofa.
17:15Nim should stay here.
17:17Yeah, it would be a laugh.
17:18I'd love the homeless.
17:19One of my own.
17:20It would be amazing.
17:21I could look after him.
17:22Not like a Tamagotchi.
17:24Better.
17:26I'm fine, Dad.
17:28Please.
17:29There's no need to come and stay.
17:31I know it was on the news, but you know what the news is like these days.
17:35They just make it all up.
17:37No, no, no, no.
17:39Okay.
17:40Please don't use that voice.
17:42All right.
17:43See you at the station.
17:44Hello.
17:45Hello.
17:46Hello.
17:47Jez, there's someone I don't know sitting on the sofa eating my Sarah Lee.
18:00He's a good friend of mine called Nim who happens to be homeless.
18:04He's not staying here, is he?
18:07Oh, right.
18:08I take it you'd prefer to see him out on the street.
18:10You know, brush them away, hose them down, put them into camps.
18:13Is that the idea?
18:15No, of course it isn't.
18:17Yes, he's going to stay here unless you want him to freeze to death.
18:20Or is that exactly what you want?
18:22No.
18:23Look, you must have some benefits or something.
18:25As a matter of fact, he doesn't.
18:27Some bloody guy ripped up his forms, apparently.
18:31Why on earth would they do that?
18:33I don't know, Mark.
18:35I guess that's just the way life is on the streets.
18:40Listen, Nim.
18:42I feel awful, but the thing is, my dad's coming to stay
18:46and he considers Sir David Frost to be something of a hippie.
18:50So, you're going to have to leave.
18:53I'm sorry, I wouldn't normally do this.
18:56I mean, I have a standing order to the Royal National Lifeboat Institute.
19:01That's the kind of guy I am.
19:04Maybe you can take some comfort from that?
19:13God, she's gorgeous.
19:15This is killing me.
19:16Maybe I can just go and rob myself against her.
19:18Say I'm doing an experiment.
19:20No, too pathetic.
19:22Okay, here goes.
19:24The nuclear option.
19:25The ultimate.
19:26So, Nancy, I just wanted to say how much I'm enjoying not having sex with you.
19:35Really?
19:36Yeah.
19:37Come on, Jez.
19:38Death or glory.
19:39In fact, I was going to propose that we should probably never have sex again.
19:44I mean, all that humping and pumping.
19:48We could take all of that wasted energy and try and accomplish so many more important things.
19:55Well, yeah, I mean, that's great, Jez, but I really wanted this to bring us, you know, closer together.
20:03Oh, but it has.
20:04I feel incredibly close to you, without any pressure to be sexual.
20:13I mean, these.
20:14I mean, they're just a pair of human breasts, for Christ's sakes.
20:22Now I can finally appreciate your whole body without any stupid sexual desire.
20:28Well, yeah, I mean, celibacy, that's great, but maybe it's all just a bit of naughty Nancy.
20:37Nancy can't have fun.
20:39Nancy must be punished.
20:41And maybe I should just say, fuck you, Mom.
20:44Oh, yeah.
20:45Take that, God.
20:46Shove this up your toga, you big beardy killjoy.
20:55Hey, where's Nim?
20:56Oh, Nim's gone.
20:57Where?
20:58But he's fine.
20:59Mark chucked him out.
21:00Jesus, Jeremy.
21:01Poor Nim.
21:02Where exactly is Nim?
21:04Oh, Nim, Nim, Nim, Nim, Nim, Nim.
21:07Fucking Nim.
21:08Look, if you love Nim so much, why don't you go out there?
21:10And screw him.
21:11Okay.
21:12Fine.
21:13I will go and try and find Nim.
21:15You know, just to make sure that he's not like, I don't know, dead or something.
21:20Oh, Nancy.
21:21I'm sorry.
21:22I didn't mean it.
21:23Come back.
21:26Oh, please.
21:28I'm dying here.
21:30Just, you know, touch it.
21:33Blow on it.
21:35You can use a tea towel.
21:40Sophie.
21:41Sophie.
21:42I just wanted to say, if we do end up going up the Highlands together, I not only expect
21:46but will insist on separate rooms because...
21:49Mark?
21:52Alan.
21:55It's not what it looks like.
21:57It's only a pint.
21:58Only a pi...
22:00It's never only a pint.
22:02I didn't even want it.
22:03Sophie bought it for me.
22:04I asked for a Coke.
22:05No, you didn't.
22:07You know what I'm hearing, Mark?
22:09Pour me.
22:10Pour me.
22:11Pour me another drink.
22:13No!
22:14Alan!
22:15This is bullshit, Mark.
22:16And you can forget about the two weeks in Aberdeen.
22:19Two words.
22:20Mini.
22:21Bar.
22:22Calibre.
22:23Of course, Calibre.
22:24Why didn't I say it was Calibre?
22:25Calibre would have made everything all right.
22:26OK.
22:27I'm going to Aberdeen.
22:28I'm going, Geoff.
22:29In a canoe made of your skin, wearing your nuts as earrings.
22:31All right, Geoff?
22:32All right, Mark.
22:33So, say, tell you what, Geoff.
22:35I had a great shag last night.
22:36Oh, really?
22:37Yeah.
22:38With your mum.
22:39What?
22:40Yeah, really doing it, we were.
22:42Mate, I know you're pissed off about me going to Aberdeen.
22:44But I'm not going to Aberdeen.
22:45I'm going to Aberdeen.
22:46I'm going to Aberdeen.
22:47I'm going, Geoff.
22:48In a canoe made of your skin, wearing your nuts as earrings.
22:50All right, Geoff?
22:51All right, Geoff?
22:52All right, Mark.
22:53So, say, tell you what, Geoff.
22:54I had a great shag last night.
22:55Oh, really?
22:56Yeah.
22:57With your mum.
22:58What?
22:59Yeah, really doing it, we were.
23:02Mate, I know you're pissed off about me going to Aberdeen with Soph and everything.
23:06But you need to chill, OK?
23:07You need to chill right out, otherwise...
23:09Otherwise what?
23:10What's going to happen, you homo?
23:12Mark?
23:13Stolen any good cars lately, Mr Scouser?
23:16Hey, where's your native wit now, eh, Mr Stupid?
23:19Watch it, mate.
23:20Come on, Geoff.
23:21Let's get down to it, shall we?
23:23Come on, you stupid, stinking chicken fucker.
23:25Wack, quack, quack, quack.
23:27Wack, quack, quack.
23:28Oh, those chickens really love it
23:30when that big rooster Geoff comes a-calling.
23:35He's bloody broken my beautiful nose.
23:41That should be more than enough for personnel to go on, don't you think?
23:44Goodbye, Geoff.
23:45What, mate?
23:46Where's...
23:47Where's the other one?
23:49You're not the one I bought the lager for.
23:51Laurie knocks off at six.
23:53But he was supposed to tape the...
23:55Me and Geoff in the room.
23:57He must have taped it.
23:58Oh, shit!
24:00Look, mate, pal, you've got to do me a favour.
24:04Hey, Geoff.
24:06What now, Mark?
24:08Yeah, so, like I was saying, your mum, I had sex with her.
24:13Mark, why are you doing this to yourself?
24:15Yeah, and it was great.
24:17Mark, go home.
24:19Come on.
24:20Come on, you big pussy.
24:23Look, you've obviously got a lot of serious stuff going on.
24:28And I'm not going to make it any worse.
24:30Come on.
24:31Dick cheese.
24:32Piss teeth.
24:33Fish lips.
24:34Come on!
24:35Have another crack at me, Geoff!
24:37Go on, I'll fight back this time!
24:39Hit me, Geoff!
24:40It's okay.
24:41I'll get him at the bus stop.
24:43There's CCTV at the bus stop.
24:45Paranoia, paranoia, everybody's coming to get me.
24:58Just say you never met me.
25:01I'm running underground with the moors.
25:04If you're getting hoes.
25:06Go on.
25:08Pull in!
25:09Peck off me.
25:10Find me.
25:12Somebody's coming to norte.
25:30Affiliate the Toались,
25:33exailles.