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00:00Before the next programme, we're going over to the BBC newsroom for a newsflash.
00:09Reports are coming in from Downing Street that the government is just about to announce plans for something extremely alarming.
00:16The new proposals are being rushed through Parliament now and will become law by the time I reach the end of this sentence.
00:24New legislation to make your flesh creep will be given its second reading in the Commons tomorrow.
00:30And there's not a thing you or I can do to stop it.
00:32The minister responsible, a man whose sanity one must surely question, said he wasn't sure what was in the bill,
00:38but it would be very upsetting for pensioners, extremely disturbing to young people,
00:42and would, in general, keep most right-minded people awake at nights in a cold sweat worrying about it.
00:49A new white paper designed to scare the crap out of just about every...
00:53Well, I think that's enough of that newsflash for now.
00:57Well, I'm sure we'll all feel better once we've had a hot cup of tea.
01:00Yes, it's 50 years of that colourful cartoon character, Alexei Sale!
01:09Who's the leader of the gang that's great for you and me?
01:12A-L-E-X-E-I-S-E-Y-E-L-E
01:16Who's an ugly bastard and the standard of duty?
01:19Who's an ugly bastard?
01:20Who's an ugly bastard?
01:21A-L-E-X-E-I-S-E-Y-E-L-E
01:23A-L-E-X-E-Y-E-L-E
01:25A-L-E-X-E-I-E-L-E
01:27We love to hear you swear on the TV
01:29Heep, heep, heep, heep
01:31Heep, heep, heep, heep
01:33Everybody gives me juice except the BBC
01:35A-L-E-X-E-I-S-E-Y-E-L-E
01:39A-L-E-X-E-I-S-E-Y-E-L-E
01:41A-L-E-X-E-S-E-L-E
01:43Fat bastard
01:49I was brought up in a communist household
01:52That was actually very traumatic for me
01:54For example, my bed was three inches from the ceiling
01:58Because underneath it was 20,000 unsold copies of the Morning Star
02:04Because of my communist family connections
02:07I was inevitably recruited into the KGB
02:10At the age of six
02:12Several years later, I was caught by MI5
02:15Trying to pass on details of the fourth form woodwork syllabus to my control
02:20I was sentenced to life imprisonment
02:23But four years later, I was swapped at Checkpoint Charlie
02:27For a bag of balloons and a pencil
02:29It's very difficult for me having a name like Alexi
02:33I mean, if you lived in a suburb of Omsk, Alexi would be a great name to have
02:37Alright, Alexi, you going round to Alexi's place?
02:40Yeah, I think Alexi will be there, yeah, yeah
02:42But in Anfield, Liverpool 4, in the 50s, it was a no-no
02:48Or a nyet-nyet, whichever you want
02:51First day at school, right?
02:53OK, class, I want your full names
02:55You
02:56Arthur James Doolan, sir
02:58Right, you
02:59You
03:04You
03:05You
03:06You in the Red Army uniform, you
03:08Can't you just call me Pupil X?
03:11No, I want your full name, son, come on
03:14Er, alright then
03:16Er, alright then
03:17Er, Alexi
03:18Yuri Gagarin
03:20Moscow Dynamo Back 4
03:22Glorious 5-year plan
03:24Stalin tractor
03:26Sales say
03:27I think I'll just call you Pupil X, alright
03:30She loves you
03:32Yeah, yeah, yeah
03:34She loves you
03:35Yeah, yeah, yeah
03:37Bye-bye, baby
03:40Baby, goodbye
03:42When will I
03:44Will I be famous?
03:46I can answer
03:48I can answer
03:50When will I seem to be true
03:52True
03:53True
03:54True
03:55True
03:56True
03:57Well, I've got all these speeches now since 1985
04:01Except for the debate on capital punishment for unofficial strike action in the NHS
04:06I've always liked Lord Talsham
04:08I think he's just fabulous
04:10Tracy likes Lord Alec Douglas Hume but she's only 12 and a half
04:16But beyond the lure of the souvenir walking stick and the glamour of the autographed ear trumpet,
04:21just what is it that attracts so many pre-pubescent teenage girls to members of the House of Lords?
04:36Susan can't live without Lord Balfour of Chichester.
04:40Susan's mad about Lord Tweedsemuir, and Sylvie's hooked on Lord Charles.
04:47Surely Lord Charles is simply a lifeless dummy made completely from wood?
04:51Yes. I believe he's been tipped as the new Secretary of State for Employment.
04:57We have to get this, I'm afraid!
04:59It's a news night interview on the 1989 legal reform bill!
05:04And they've had no decay of class phones in the building!
05:10Isn't it time
05:17that legal aid
05:19was extended beyond these poor limits
05:23so as to cover...
05:25Jill, what do you think of that record?
05:26I think it's very romantic
05:27and warm
05:29so I think it'll be a hit.
05:32Thank you very much.
05:33Pete Murray.
05:34Oh yeah, I liked it.
05:35It was snappy, it had something to say.
05:37I, I think the kids will go for it.
05:40Oh.
05:40Well, shall we vote that record or shall we bother?
05:42Because it seems to be obvious, but let's see whether they're going to vote a hit.
05:45Hang on, hang on.
05:46Um, I've got to say something else here.
05:49You see, I, I find it very offensive at the BBC
05:52to allow this clip from an old television programme on the Alexei Sale Show.
05:57Even having the courtesy of asking our permission.
05:59And what I find even more offensive is the way they use these clips out of context
06:05just to get cheap laughs.
06:06Well, like I, I might say to David McCollum here.
06:11What do you think of the modern police force, David?
06:13Well, I know they're pigs, but they, they have a certain charm that pigs don't usually have.
06:18Excuse me?
06:20That's just the kind of 80s subversive comedy we could all do without.
06:25Thank God it's still only 1960, that's all I can say.
06:29Well, to Schmidt.
06:34His father dropped bombs on this area for the Luftwaffe.
06:37We don't mention that now.
06:39Because his firm's come to Milton Springsteen Newtown.
06:45Akio Takashota.
06:46His father bombed Pearl Harbor, invaded Singapore
06:50and strung up living skeletons by their thumbs for sadistic pleasure.
06:54But that's all forgotten now.
06:56Because his company's relocated to Milton Springsteen Newtown.
07:01Meha Singh Gupta.
07:03His family fought and died for Britain in two world wars.
07:07But that's all forgotten now.
07:09Because with the new nationality laws,
07:11if he wants to come to Milton Springsteen Newtown,
07:14he can just sod off.
07:16In fact, if he wants to live in Britain now,
07:19he'll have to bring a factory with him.
07:21Britain.
07:23Where the past's been well and truly forgotten.
07:32Corporate sponsorship.
07:33That's the big thing these days, isn't it,
07:35in the entertainment business.
07:37But there's been a big controversy recently,
07:39because I've allowed my next world tour
07:42to be sponsored by the South African poison gas
07:45and armoured car manufacturing company PLC Limited.
07:49But honestly, you must understand,
07:51I did not know what I was doing.
07:53I didn't know what I was doing.
07:54They held a giant check over my eyes
07:56while I was signing the contract.
08:00Space travel.
08:01That's another big thing, isn't it?
08:03But can human beings get to the stars,
08:06and can they live there?
08:07For example, is it possible to live on the planet Jupiter?
08:12Well, the answer is yes.
08:14In fact, it's easier to live on Jupiter
08:17than it is to live on an old age pension.
08:21How can we get to the stars?
08:24Well, if we look back to 1958,
08:26we see that scientists sent up rockets
08:28containing monkeys in astronaut suits.
08:31The next step, therefore,
08:33is to send up rockets containing astronauts in monkey suits.
08:41And now, news of the fight against heart disease.
08:44Scientists in Japan have developed this small paper hat,
08:49but they stress that it is not a cure.
09:01Is it fresh?
09:25Yeah.
09:31ING
09:36AROUND
09:42WHISTLING
09:56RINGS
09:58Good morning.
09:59I'd like to send a letter, please.
10:01Oh, wouldn't we all, sir?
10:03I beg your pardon?
10:05Would you like to send it by first-class mail,
10:07by data post, by Red Star,
10:09or by Overnight Frog?
10:11What's the difference?
10:13Well, with first-class mail,
10:15we absolutely guarantee
10:17that your letter will get there the next day.
10:19But in reality,
10:21we just tear it up and throw it on the fire.
10:23What about data post?
10:25With data post, you pay £5
10:27and we stuff your letter
10:29down a wino's underpants.
10:31Red Star?
10:33Now, with Red Star, you pay
10:35£11.50 and you take your
10:37letter to an office cunningly
10:39situated at a railway station
10:41to give the impression that your letter's going to go
10:43on a train. But in reality,
10:45we just stuff it down a wino's underpants.
10:47Well, it looks like
10:49Overnight Frog's the one for me, then.
10:51Right. I'll just get you a £50
10:53stamp, then.
10:55£50 stamps, £50 stamps,
10:57letters for granny,
10:59postcards for gramps,
11:01brochures in leaflets and envelopes,
11:03bright, circular selling, selections of shite.
11:05This is the junk mail clogging the doormat,
11:07bearing your name in computerised format,
11:09just what you wanted up for,
11:11like a tie chest tripe by the truckload from Reader's Digest,
11:13office phonemics of dirty weekends,
11:15a poke in the eye when you recommend friends.
11:17Hey, subscriptions, the mail order, come on,
11:19letters from which you'd as soon wipe your bum on.
11:21Rubbish, relentless, perpetual pap,
11:27verbiage and garbage and all of it crap.
11:29Pressurized drawer, junk through your door,
11:31all over the floor.
11:33What's it all for? Here comes some more.
11:35Dabbing it here, dabbing it there,
11:37paste and paper everywhere.
11:39The paper at the parlour, you couldn't see him for pain.
11:43Right, can I help you at all, sir?
11:45I want a bloody stamp.
11:47I'm sorry, sir, this window's closed.
11:49What?
11:51You'd have to go to the next window along, sir.
11:53God almighty.
11:55I want a £50 stamp, please.
12:09Look, don't piss me about, I'm not in the room.
12:11All right, then.
12:13It's a wonderful, precious thing, childhood, isn't it, eh?
12:25Brings back all kinds of memories of my own misspent youth.
12:29But I used to collect things when I was a kid.
12:32I used to collect things like them cigarette cards.
12:35You know, cigarette cards like great airships
12:37or great British footballers in the 1920s
12:40or cricketing necrophiliacs of the 1940s.
12:44I had every one of them except Winston Churchill.
12:47The old bastard's been dead 20 years
12:50and I'm still taking the piss out of him.
12:52Being a satirist, I am.
12:54But when you're a kid,
12:58you have all these dreams, don't you?
13:01And I had a dream.
13:02I dreamt that one day I would grow up
13:05and become a plainclothes officer
13:07in the St John's Ambulance Brigade.
13:10I'd have a discreet lapel badge
13:13that would in fact be a secret radio.
13:15Accident with a bread knife in Rupert Square,
13:18the radio would squawk.
13:20Wilco, roger and out, I would reply.
13:22And then my secret radio would expand into a gyrocopter
13:27and whisk me off to the scene of the accident.
13:30And the amazing thing is that it's come true.
13:33I am a plainclothes officer in the St John's Ambulance Brigade.
13:37So, if you come to see one of my shows
13:40and I either don't turn up
13:42or when I do turn up I appear to be staggering about the stage,
13:45talking into my shoulder and slaring my words.
13:49Then I leave the stage and never come back.
13:52It's because I've gone off to an errand of mercy
13:55and there's absolutely no need to turn nasty
13:57and ask for your money back.
14:02Due to my secret identity, I am now a superhero.
14:06I'm actually a member of the League of Pointless Superheroes.
14:10Amongst our number we have Cake Man,
14:13who can kill people by turning them into a Belgian bun.
14:17And we have Privatised Gas Man,
14:20who can kill old people by turning their supply off.
14:23But remember, kids, that although Superman can fly,
14:28you can't.
14:30Not unless you drink an awful lot of Tear Maria.
14:33Here's another little tip for you, kiddies.
14:37This is Uncle Alexi's Green Cross Code.
14:40You get to the edge of the pavement,
14:42you close both your eyes and you go...
14:45Eee!
14:50Mrs Hyacinth, could you please tell this public inquiry
14:53exactly how your injury took place?
14:56Er, yes.
14:57I was hit on the head by a falling 20-ton elephant.
15:00While sitting at home in your front room,
15:03watching points of view.
15:05Yes.
15:07And I believe a number of residents on your estate
15:10have suffered a similar experience.
15:13Yes, of 350 people on our council estate,
15:16280 have so far been crushed in their front sitting rooms
15:19by falling elephants.
15:21We did logic complaint with the council
15:23and they said it was a design fault.
15:25A design fault, Your Worship.
15:29Which, if we study the original plans
15:32of the houses in question,
15:34clearly show the negligent inclusion
15:37of a sodding great edifice
15:40precariously balanced in the attic.
15:44And that concludes the case for the residents' association.
15:49So, William?
15:52Er, Mrs Hyacinth,
15:55this so-called elephant
15:58simply sailed through the air and hit you on the head, didn't it?
16:03All on its own,
16:04without any sort of human intervention or encouragement.
16:07Well, it was obeying the law of gravity.
16:10The law of gravity, Mrs Hyacinth?
16:13Yes, it's a universal law.
16:16Oh, it's a law, is it?
16:17I see.
16:18Mrs Hyacinth, I wonder if you're aware
16:20that there exists still in this country a law
16:23which states that no citizen shall present himself
16:25in a public place on a Sunday
16:27without first daubing his bottom with goat saliva
16:30and tethering his duck to the leg of a local bellows mender.
16:34A law which very few people adhere to
16:36because it is patently absurd.
16:38No, no, it's a law of physics.
16:40It states that all bodies are attracted to the centre of the earth.
16:44We're all attracted to the centre of the earth.
16:47Is that it?
16:49Your Worship, I have here a video of the motion picture
16:51At the Earth's Core
16:53starring Mr Doug McClure and Mr Peter Cushing
16:56which I think you'll agree
16:57paints a rather different picture of the matter.
17:00Far from being an attractive place,
17:02the centre of the earth is in fact, on the contrary,
17:04a hideous primeval underworld
17:06overrun by gigantic beasts
17:09and head-hunting savages.
17:11Not the sort of place, I would submit,
17:13that anyone in their right mind would deem a...
17:19Your Worship.
17:24Yes.
17:25Today is Monday, sir.
17:28Good day!
17:31Sir Edward Craybrother Jones,
17:33I think this inquiry does highlight a worry uppermost
17:36in many people's minds at the moment.
17:38Nearly 700 council house residents now
17:41crushed to death in their own front sitting room
17:43by falling elephants.
17:44And what have you got to say
17:46about these notorious new tower blocks in Newham?
17:49These 20-storey tower blocks
17:51which we now know to have been constructed
17:53not from high tensile concrete as you claimed at the time
17:56but from coconut meringue.
17:59Now, isn't this just a flagrant case
18:01of cutting corners with public money?
18:03Yes.
18:04Well, now, basically the thing is this.
18:06I want to go home now to my mummy.
18:10Well, we're going to move along now.
18:12I don't like it here.
18:13They said they'd give me some jelly
18:14and they hadn't given me any.
18:16Thank you very much, Minister.
18:18We're going to move right along now to a...
18:19I think I've just gone to the toilet in my trousers.
18:24I think it's wonderful to have a band like
18:27Dire Straits in the world.
18:29No, I do, because you say to somebody,
18:31do you like Dire Straits?
18:32And if they say,
18:33yeah, I think they're really great,
18:35then you know that they're a stupid git
18:37and they want their heads shutting in a door.
18:40People say,
18:41when you meet Dire Straits,
18:43they're really nice.
18:45Nice!
18:46Nice!
18:47That's something you say about biscuits, isn't it?
18:49Nice!
18:51Oh, Mrs Jenkins,
18:52how do you like a new manure-flavoured Jacob's assortment?
18:55Oh, they're really nice!
18:58Stars shouldn't be nice.
19:00They should be smelly
19:01and ugly.
19:02They shouldn't be nice
19:03standing around meeting Princess Diana
19:05and being nice!
19:08I'm into a kind of music that's progressive in its thinking
19:11and politically right on.
19:13It's called country and western music.
19:15Long distance information, get me Mrs Thatcher on the phone.
19:27Mrs Thatcher, get me Mrs Thatcher.
19:30There's a lot of bad things going down.
19:33I think she should be told.
19:35Mrs Thatcher, get me Mrs Thatcher.
19:38This mansion.
19:39They're selling off the hospitals.
19:41They don't care where the rest goes.
19:43If you want some major surgery,
19:45try to meet counter at Tesco's.
19:47She's got no time for down and down.
19:49She's the one that wears the trousers.
19:51She says homelessness is just a rumour
19:54spread by lots of people without houses.
19:57LAUGHTER
20:03Long distance information, get me Mrs Thatcher on the phone.
20:08Mrs Thatcher, get me Mrs Thatcher.
20:11There's a lot of bad things going down.
20:14I think she should be told.
20:16Mrs Thatcher, get me Mrs Thatcher.
20:20She introduced the poll tax so it's fairer to each other.
20:24Now widows on a pension pay the same as the Queen Mother.
20:28After hours and hours of ringing, I got her answer phone.
20:33It told me I could sun off when I heard the tone.
20:37Long distance information, get me Mrs Thatcher.
20:40Mrs Thatcher on the phone.
20:43Mrs Thatcher, get me Mrs Thatcher.
20:57South Africa looks good on the company report pages
21:01Because two hundred British firms, they pay starvation wages.
21:06A part that just degrades both the whites as well as other races.
21:11That's why most Africanists have gun-picks faces.
21:15Long distance information, get me Mrs Thatcher on the phone.
21:20Mrs Thatcher, get me Mrs Thatcher.
21:23Long distance information.
21:25I don't think she wants to know.
21:28The great classic comedians of history.
21:42Mrs Thatcher.
21:43You know, people often say to me,
21:45Alexi, what is alternative new wave Marxist comedy?
21:50And I say, sod off you nosy bastard.
21:53But you know, comedy, the ability to make people laugh, is a fragile, intangible thing.
22:01And comedians are often haunted by the fear of losing it.
22:08The most celebrated example of losing it happened to the Cockney musical comedian, Albert,
22:14who wants to see me lavely cockles, McGoogle in 1923.
22:19A small pink light was seen to exit from his left ear.
22:22And from then on, on stage, he could talk about nothing except balsa wood in a thick Swansea accent.
22:29Balsa is an evergreen tree, a droma priamizari, and is native of Central America.
22:37It is used for canoes, floats, and corks.
22:41And although it is easily crashed, it is technically a hardwood.
22:50What actually happens when you lose it?
22:52Well, for a start, you lose your...
22:56...timing.
22:58You also lose your empathy with your audience.
23:03You dozy bunch of gits.
23:06And you also have severe difficulty in holding your audience's attention
23:10for more than a few seconds, really.
23:12And then they start to...
23:15What's he going on about now?
23:17I don't like this bit. It's gone weird now.
23:20He'll probably be talking about lizards in a minute.
23:23I don't like that weird stuff. I don't like him.
23:26He's a fat bastard and he's just not funny.
23:30I'll tell you what I want from a stand-up comic.
23:32I want racial hatred. That's what I want.
23:34Racial hatred and a chicken dinner for eight quid.
23:38And a huge brown lizard.
23:40Well, there'll be huge brown lizards and a lot more besides, I can promise you, as the crowds take their seats here at Earl's Court
23:52for that annual schoolboy's delight, the Royal Pointless and Utterly Futile Military Things Tournament.
23:58Prising this year a whole host of displays of quite breathtaking in consequence by members of the armed forces, the emergency services and, of course, loonies.
24:08And backstage now we can see the Queen's own armoured groin injury battalion, lindering down for their annual attempt on the British and Commonwealth multiple hernia record.
24:19While the officers of the 45th Royal Spoonwarmers demonstrate how to completely dismantle an ordinary seaman.
24:25Poke the bits through little holes in a wall and then reassemble him on the other side while simultaneously singing a medley of songs from Kiss Me Kate.
24:36But outside now the guest of honour, Princess Michael of Kent, is approaching the building and in a break with tradition will this year be arriving by data post.
24:44Signed for by the commander-in-chief of the British forces serving in Safeways, Sir Lord Viscount General What's-This-Button-For-Hailsham CBE, Supreme Dick of the British Empire and himself one of the most pointless men in England today.
24:59And as the princess takes her place, attended by his grace the battery-operated yappy dog,
25:07the lights dim, then come on again, then once more, flash on and off three times for no apparent reason,
25:18and then finally settle down in a little cottage in Felixstowe for the show tonight.
25:21And we open, as always, with that firm favourite, the crack RAF-trained rhododendron bushes and their handlers.
25:30First, aircraftman Bob Lankrey with his bush, Rolf.
25:35A lovely purple azalea with variegated leaves, which is going to get to jump now through a flaming hoop.
25:41Well, Sergeant Dave Velcro demonstrates how his bush, Caesar, will obey the command, stay, on order.
25:58Oh dear, not quite according to plan, but the crowd here loving every minute of it all the same.
26:03Oh, and what's this? Oh, now this is really pointless. This is absolutely mind-bendingly inane stuff now.
26:12Or have we got the tapes mixed up with It's A Knockout?
26:15And now they'll probably decide to play their joker.
26:18Yes, I thought as much.
26:20We can't show you any more of that, I'm afraid, as I'm just getting a completely blank piece of paper
26:26containing a government press release to say that here now are the closing credits for this week's edition of Alexi Sales Stuff.
26:33compiled in accordance with government reporting restrictions.
26:36.
26:37.
26:38.
26:40.
26:42.
26:43.
26:44A-F-E-S-K-AER
27:14And now I'm just being handed a piece of toast with Marmite on
27:33To say that something extremely alarming is any minute now about
27:44I like a laugh