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00:00I'm not sick, but I'm not well
00:05And I'm so hard
00:09Cause I'm in hell
00:13Okay, Jez, the love of your life's coming back today.
00:23Finish this shitty relationship.
00:25Shot to the head. Nice, clean kill.
00:27You're gonna have to plunge a lot harder than that.
00:29It's compacted grease.
00:31Yeah, she might go angry.
00:33And I don't like her when she's angry.
00:35Just got to tough it out.
00:36Um, listen, Michelle.
00:39About us.
00:39I've been thinking about us.
00:41You know I'm looking for a lodger.
00:42And you and me do go really good together.
00:45Well, I was thinking.
00:47How about you move in?
00:48Oh, right.
00:50That's interesting.
00:51Because I was thinking that I like you loads and loads, obviously.
00:56But that also, uh, we could not see each other anymore.
01:01Stop seeing each other?
01:02How's that gonna work?
01:04Well, I mean, instead of, uh, us calling each other up and kind of meeting up and hanging out, we could try not.
01:12Jez, you're so funny.
01:14Oh, what are you afraid of?
01:16You.
01:16Nothing.
01:17Uh, it's just...
01:18See, what I'm hearing, loud and clear, is that you're desperate for this relationship to grow.
01:22You just don't know how to make it happen.
01:24Right, no.
01:25So, kind of what I was saying was that we should split up and not see each other anymore, because...
01:28Shh!
01:29Jez, you've had your say.
01:31Now it's my turn.
01:33You know how we have such an amazing time in bed together?
01:37Well, yeah.
01:38Well, I was thinking.
01:41What if we took it to the next level?
01:42Like, act out our dirtiest fantasies.
01:45Yeah.
01:46I mean, what would that involve, exactly?
01:51Hmm?
01:52Anything.
01:53You can tell, Michelle.
01:55I guess I've always wondered what it might be like to have a threesome.
02:00Is that too much?
02:02Are you kidding?
02:03That's vanilla.
02:05Let's do it.
02:08Tonight's the night.
02:09Sophie's actually coming over for some work.
02:12I don't actually think there'll be much work.
02:14Except sex.
02:15Just work.
02:16Don't think of it like work.
02:19Fish, pie, then missionary sex, and news night afterwards.
02:22Classic.
02:23Might make a joke about Paxman and the economics woman.
02:26Paxo.
02:26Paxo wants the stuff.
02:28Stuffing.
02:28It's got to be a joke there.
02:29All right, mate?
02:31Will you lend us your phone, mate?
02:33What?
02:34Lend us your fucking phone.
02:36Why?
02:36Well, I need to make a call.
02:38Don't you have your own phone?
02:39Come on, lend us your phone.
02:41Right, it's just...
02:42Neither a lender nor a borrower be.
02:45Do you think we're some pair of shithouses?
02:47No, God, no.
02:48It's just...
02:49It's a Blackberry...
02:50Give us your phone.
02:51Give us your wallet.
02:53Come on!
02:53Before we fucking do you.
02:55Do me?
02:56Are they going to rape me?
02:58Or kill me?
02:59If they rape and kill me, I hope they kill me first.
03:03I sort of win.
03:05Is that it?
03:05Have you got nothing else?
03:08Yes.
03:08What else?
03:09There's my travel card.
03:12That's great.
03:13Help the muggers.
03:14What do you want?
03:15Approval.
03:16All right.
03:18Now piss off.
03:18Oh, this really takes the biscuit.
03:22Foster.
03:23I thought it was at least the muggers who had to run off.
03:26The victim flees.
03:27Foster!
03:29Oh, this really leaves a sour taste.
03:31This will be okay.
03:35I'll just do the threesome tomorrow, then finish with her.
03:38Bit ungentlemanly, but then it's a threesome.
03:40It's not exactly Romeo and Juliet, is it?
03:44Hey, Mark.
03:47You all right?
03:48Uh-huh.
03:49No need to tell him what happened.
03:51Just button up.
03:52Like the 40s.
03:54People saw terrible things in the war.
03:55They didn't go on and on about them.
03:57They had a cup of tea and invented the NHS instead.
04:00Cool, mate.
04:00If I have a bit of your parsley?
04:01Get away!
04:02Fuck off!
04:02Fuck off my stuff!
04:04It's just a bit of parsley.
04:05Look, I...
04:07It's just...
04:08On the way home, I got...
04:11These blokes...
04:12Mugged me.
04:14Oh, man.
04:15That is unlucky.
04:17Of course.
04:18They target the frail.
04:19They smell the weak.
04:21So, what happened?
04:22Did they pull a knife?
04:24No, not a knife.
04:26Jesus.
04:26A shooter?
04:27No, they didn't have a...
04:29There was two of them.
04:33They asked to borrow my phone, but...
04:36They didn't really want to borrow it.
04:39No?
04:40No.
04:41Then they asked for my wallet.
04:44Mm-hmm.
04:44So, they asked, and you just gave them your wallet?
04:51Jeremy, I was in the underpass with these two...
04:54Gentlemen who asked for your possessions.
04:56Mark, you've got to toughen up.
04:58This is the 21st century.
05:00You've seen Mad Max, haven't you?
05:01That's what's going to happen.
05:03Mad Max is not necessarily going to happen.
05:05Oh, sure, mate.
05:06You live in your hitchhiker's guide world,
05:08where you wander around in your dressing gown and have a nice cup of tea.
05:10Yes, well, look, anyway, Sophie's coming over, so I'm going to need the cooker.
05:16Right, it's just, I was hoping, you know, it's my big meal, the big night with Big Suze.
05:21Right, did you finish with Michelle?
05:24Yeah, kind of.
05:26I mean, no.
05:27She offered me a threesome.
05:29But what about...
05:30I mean, I thought you were dead set on getting back together with Big Suze.
05:33Oh, I am, Mark.
05:34Totally.
05:35She called again tonight.
05:37God, what a great call, you know.
05:39It was like the old days.
05:40She was laughing like a maniac.
05:43Right, so what about the threesome?
05:46What about Michelle?
05:47Oh, well, I had a bit of a plan about that.
05:50I thought I wouldn't tell Big Suze about Michelle or the threesome.
05:53Oh, right.
05:54Brilliant.
05:55It's good, isn't it?
05:56Yes.
05:57Look, are you sure about Big Suze?
06:00It's just, it took you such a long, long time to get over her leaving you.
06:05I mean, in a way you never totally got over her leaving you.
06:09Well, that's just as well then, isn't it?
06:11Because now she's coming back.
06:13So shut up.
06:20Great fish pie, Mark.
06:21Thank you, Sophie.
06:22Thanks very much.
06:23I may not be an expert, but I do my best and that's all anyone can ask.
06:28Just subtly lowering her expectations in the bedroom there.
06:32So I was thinking maybe we could work a bit better in the bedroom.
06:38I mean, it's fine if you don't want to, but...
06:40Sure, great.
06:42Oh my God, she's a man-eater.
06:43She's going to chew me up and spit me out.
06:46Mark.
06:46Hey, Sophie.
06:47Where's all the Ikea candles?
06:48Uh...
06:49It's Suze!
06:51Big Suze is here!
06:54Hi, Jeremy.
06:56Big Suze.
06:57My God, you're looking great.
07:00Three years, yeah?
07:02Three bloody years.
07:03I know, and look at you.
07:05God, you've changed so much.
07:08Although, I think you might be wearing exactly the same clothes as when I last saw you.
07:11Right.
07:12What a weird coincidence.
07:14Oh, we should leave that for Stu.
07:16Stu?
07:17What's Stu?
07:19Who's Stu?
07:20Stu's my man.
07:21My hunk of monk.
07:24What the hell do you mean by that?
07:26Just that he used to be a monk, that's all.
07:28And he's just parking up the golf.
07:30But, your man?
07:32Because I thought, you know, on the phone, there was all the laughing.
07:36I mean, I thought, what was all the laughing for?
07:40That was just laughing.
07:42Oh, right.
07:44What's the problem, Jez?
07:46I thought this was going to be nice.
07:47I'm with Stu, you're with good old Michelle.
07:50Shit, they're still in contact.
07:52Think of something.
07:53No, I'm not.
07:54Oh, right.
07:55She just said...
07:56No, that was just a mistake.
07:58Followed by a series of subsequent mistakes,
08:01which, when you look at all together, really don't add up to much.
08:04Anyway, I've done all that now, so there's nothing stopping us.
08:07We should let Stu in.
08:08Yeah, should we, though?
08:11Hey, StuPod.
08:13This is Jez.
08:14Hey, man.
08:15Hi, I'm her ex.
08:17Oh, Jez, don't be stupid.
08:18We were never really...
08:19We lived together for a year and a half.
08:21Well, we kind of did, but in 2002,
08:24in that weird flat.
08:26The love shack.
08:27Listen, can we take a shower?
08:29No.
08:30That's a really sweaty flight.
08:31There isn't that much hot water.
08:33That's fine, we'll share.
08:34See you in an hour or so, yeah?
08:36He's a monk.
08:38He's going to have 15 years of spunk backed up.
08:40How am I supposed to compete with that?
08:45Wow, this is a lot of candles.
08:47It's actually getting pretty hot in here.
08:50Yeah, I tried opening a window, but a lot of them blew out,
08:53which I suppose actually shows that electric light's actually quite a lot better,
08:57although I know that's not a very fashionable thing to say.
08:59What am I talking about?
09:02Jeremy's sex CD.
09:04Better than big Bond themes, I guess.
09:06Bond wouldn't get mugged.
09:08Bollocks!
09:09Forgot to call and stop the phone.
09:11Could go out and do it now.
09:12Pretend I need a dump.
09:14Not very sexy.
09:16So, Mark, time for us to get down to some work.
09:20Oh.
09:20Oh, yeah.
09:26Oh, yeah.
09:27This is it.
09:28This is really happening.
09:31Relax.
09:31Stop worrying about the muggers and their free calls.
09:34I'm getting sexy.
09:37Bastards.
09:38They're probably going through my address book,
09:39randomly deleting contacts.
09:41That's probably how they get their kicks.
09:44Shit, I'm not kissing right.
09:46Plus, nothing growing in the pants department.
09:49I'm as limp as a charity wristband.
09:51Got to stop thinking about the muggers.
09:54Be in the moment, Corrigan.
09:56Shit, she's snaking up the thigh.
09:58But there's nothing at the top of it.
10:00Abort! Abort!
10:01So, great.
10:04Great.
10:05That was great, Soph.
10:07Lovely interlude.
10:10Right.
10:11But I think we should probably...
10:14I mean, this work isn't going to do itself.
10:17The work?
10:19Yep.
10:20That bloody work.
10:22I don't really care about the work, Mark.
10:24Oh.
10:25Oh.
10:26Sure.
10:27Sure you don't, Soph.
10:28Right, now, where's that broadband cable?
10:30I should be able to...
10:32Mark.
10:33I know it's taken us a while to get here,
10:36but this feels really right.
10:38Please don't touch my floppycock.
10:40I want you to be sure.
10:43I am sure.
10:44So, shall we...
10:45Oh, God, I want to.
10:48It's just...
10:49These damn reports.
10:54God, how long does a shower take?
10:57Still, drinking alone, what's the big deal?
10:59Why is it necessarily a bad thing?
11:02If you drink a bottle of vodka and there's a bloke sitting next to you,
11:05does that somehow make it all right?
11:09I'm really parched, mate.
11:10What if I have a swig or something?
11:12Whatever.
11:13Jesus, that's what a man should look like.
11:18Those arms, they're amazing.
11:21Like boughs of sturdy English oak.
11:23My God, if you had them wrapped around you,
11:26you'd just feel so safe.
11:28Listen, Jeremy, I just wanted to say,
11:31you obviously got some feelings about Sue's and the past,
11:34and that's cool.
11:35So, listen, man, really nice to meet you,
11:37and no hard feelings, yeah?
11:41Sure.
11:45How do you like that, Stu, you monk?
11:48What does that even mean?
11:50You know what it means, Stu,
11:52from how it makes you feel.
11:53That's what it means, yeah?
11:55Welcome to big school.
12:00Who needs to be a man when you've got a knife?
12:03Good old Mr Patel and his illegal supply of knives.
12:05OK, come on then, Mark.
12:08T-Mobile gave you the numbers the mugger called.
12:10Ring the numbers.
12:12Might be able to get my Blackberry back
12:13and not get humiliated by Patrick in IT.
12:16Hey.
12:17What are you looking so serious about there, Mr Corrigan?
12:19Oh, just nothing.
12:22Because I was wondering how far a girl like you
12:23might go on a second date.
12:25Oh.
12:26Well, you know, at least second base.
12:29Relax, let it happen.
12:32But nothing's stirring.
12:33Home run.
12:34Uh-oh.
12:35She's going to feel the knife.
12:36Can't let her feel the hard knife or the soft cock.
12:40Look, Sophie, this is a hell of a laugh and all,
12:43and I love horseplay and light-heartedness
12:46and having a great time.
12:48But, you know, there's codes of conduct
12:51and disciplinary procedures,
12:52and it just makes me very nervous.
12:55All right, Mark, I'm just screwing around.
12:56I'm not going to get it on in the photocopying room.
12:58Yes, Sophie, I know, really.
13:01Let's have fun.
13:04Ha-ha.
13:05Look, I'm just...
13:06You know me, I'm old-fashioned.
13:08I like courting.
13:10Look, can...
13:12Why don't we go to the pictures?
13:14Sure, should I bring a chaperone?
13:15Ha-ha.
13:16I like your joke, Sophie.
13:18A point well made.
13:20A point well made.
13:21Later, baby.
13:22Er, baby.
13:27Note to self, re-being the Fonz.
13:29Mark, you are not the Fonz.
13:32Threesome.
13:33Oh, yeah.
13:34Here I come.
13:35No need for Big Su's ever even to know about.
13:37Big Su's?
13:38Hi, Jeremy.
13:39Here for the threesome.
13:41Well, yeah.
13:42Oh, my God.
13:43I'm going to have a threesome with Big Su's.
13:46Michelle's not some sort of macho sexual terrorist.
13:48She's brilliant.
13:50Hey, Jed.
13:51Hi.
13:52So, Su's.
13:53Brilliant to see you.
13:54It's great, isn't it?
13:55Everyone's a winner.
13:56I need somewhere to live and Michelle needs a lodger.
13:58You're moving in with Michelle?
14:00It's great, isn't it?
14:01I'd forgotten how sweet she is.
14:03Oh, that smile.
14:05I know.
14:06Have an amazing time with a threesome.
14:09Where's she?
14:10Come on, there's someone in the living room I'd like to introduce you to.
14:13Jeremy, meet Vicky.
14:17Hi there.
14:18Did you know the grand rules?
14:20What?
14:20Has he had a shower?
14:21Doesn't look like he's showered.
14:24Why isn't she talking to me?
14:25Look, Vicky's just very busy, okay?
14:27She's not all that sure about this whole thing.
14:29She's doing me a massive favour.
14:30She'd just rather not talk to you, okay?
14:32Vicky, shall we go and get ready?
14:34Yes, guys.
14:36You know where the bathroom is.
14:37You'll find a bottle of antibacterial shower wash by the basin, okay?
14:41I will have had a threesome.
14:43I will have had a threesome.
14:45So, Jez, a threesome.
14:48That'll be nice.
14:49My friend Jen did a threesome once.
14:51She said she cried for about an hour afterwards, but I'd still definitely like to try it sometime.
14:55Yeah, right.
14:57Suze, you don't want to go back out with me, do you?
15:01Oh, Jez.
15:03You're such a nice guy, but I think maybe it wasn't meant to be.
15:08Jez, we're ready!
15:09Listen, come on, you can skip the shower.
15:11Just use a flannel.
15:12Vicky doesn't want to miss her train.
15:15This is great.
15:16I'm having it large.
15:18It's like I'm living in a porno.
15:20Except porn stars probably get lovely sedatives, so they feel like they're not really there.
15:26Lovely sedatives.
15:27That wasn't depressing.
15:30That was great.
15:32Big Suze out of my life forever, so what?
15:34I'm getting threesomes.
15:36Why have I never thought about drinking in the day before?
15:38What's more fun than a couple of nice cold beer skis?
15:41What's depressing about that?
15:43Nothing.
15:44You can't be depressed when you're pissed.
15:46It's not possible.
15:49Jeremy, I've got a lead.
15:50This kid says he can get my phone back.
15:52I've got to meet him at Chicken Corner.
15:54I need backup.
15:55I'm on it.
15:56Jez, where are you?
15:58I'm at the supermarket.
16:00Are you drunk?
16:02Yeah.
16:02I'm doing the big shot, and I'm doing it brilliantly.
16:05Jez, you're not just buying chocolate crisps and booze, are you?
16:09No.
16:10I also have dips.
16:12I'll say I hate the dips.
16:13I just hope, Jez, the drinking, it hasn't become a problem.
16:17Of course not.
16:18Shut up.
16:18Don't knock the drinking.
16:20It was all I was drinking that I came up with my plan about stew.
16:22What's your plan?
16:24I'm going to hit him.
16:25That's not really a plan as such.
16:27Of course it's a plan.
16:28It's a fucking brilliant plan.
16:30I plan to hit him.
16:31What isn't a plan about that?
16:33Look, I'll see you in a bit.
16:35God, I must look so cool to her.
16:37Like Pete Doherty or Bukowski.
16:40Yeah, that's right, honey.
16:42I'm a street-fighting man.
16:44God, she's probably getting wet just looking at me.
16:47Hold your horses, honey.
16:49I've got coupons for the Pringles.
16:55So, thanks for coming.
16:58I mean, obviously, your mate, I'm not...
17:02I don't approve of what he's done,
17:04but there's no reason why we can't be civil.
17:06Yeah, sure.
17:07So, what I'm after...
17:10What I'm demanding is my blackberry pack.
17:15Yeah, I might be able to help you.
17:16Oh, well, that would be fantastic,
17:19because it actually belongs to my office.
17:21It's going to cost you 50 quid, though, mate.
17:25No.
17:26All right, see you later.
17:27Yes.
17:29All right, OK, great, cool.
17:31I mean, I think...
17:33I have to say, this is a bit rich,
17:36but I guess maybe there's certain administrative costs
17:40for you to bear and so on, so...
17:4260. It's gone up to 60 now, mate.
17:45Really?
17:45Yep.
17:46Because, obviously, this dynamic could go on indefinitely.
17:52I mean, is 60...
17:53Will that really be it?
17:55Definitely.
17:59All right, cheers.
18:00Oh, listen, one more thing.
18:01Will you ask for it again,
18:02but like a lady, in a lady's voice?
18:05I'm sorry?
18:06Ask for your blackberry like a lady.
18:08No, I really think I might...
18:09Can I have my blackberry back?
18:15Please?
18:17Can I have my blackberry back, please?
18:19All right, listen, mate, I'll call you when I go, yeah?
18:21But he hasn't got my...
18:24Oh, no, of course, he'll have my number from when I called him.
18:27Yes, and I think he'll definitely be calling.
18:33Yeah, come on, Stu, you stupid monk.
18:36Come on, buddy.
18:37I watched you go in.
18:38You've got to come out.
18:39They don't have beds in churches.
18:41I don't think, do they?
18:43Maybe they do, for the vicars and...
18:45Jeremy?
18:46Shit, man, are you OK?
18:48Yeah, I'm fine.
18:49Probably missed the moment to smack him now.
18:52How are you?
18:53Do you want to...
18:55I'm just heading back in for Evensong.
18:59Are you OK, mate?
19:01You look like you could do with a...
19:04Yeah, that might be nice, actually.
19:08Oh, the hug.
19:11I'm finally getting the hug.
19:13He smells good.
19:14Those big arms.
19:16I just feel so safe.
19:21Oh, Jesus, I've got to get a hard-on soon or we're finished.
19:28Maybe I was too quick to delete those spam emails about erection enhancement.
19:32One of them might just be from a misunderstood scientific genius.
19:36Oh, my...
19:38Is that...
19:39Is it...
19:40God, it is.
19:41It's him.
19:42The bloody mugger.
19:43Should I...
19:44Run?
19:45Can't run.
19:46Must maintain social veneer.
19:48Oh, God, please don't hit me.
19:50Please don't hit me.
19:51Not here.
19:52Hey, don't I know you?
19:53What?
19:54Me?
19:54No, no, I...
19:57I don't think so.
19:59I'm sure I know you from somewhere.
20:01I don't think so.
20:02You're probably thinking I look a bit like one of the shadow cabinet.
20:07Didn't you give me a driving lesson when Carl was in the Canaries?
20:10No, definitely not.
20:12Not I, said the walrus.
20:14I'm surprised he's even taken his test.
20:20It doesn't look 17.
20:21She must never know what a pathetic man I am.
20:25Never.
20:28I like it here.
20:29Feels calm.
20:31Almost spiritual.
20:32I feel different.
20:34This is a good song.
20:35Yeah.
20:36Sue's came down to check it out, actually.
20:38Hi, Jess.
20:41Isn't it nice down here?
20:42Look at all these lovely normal people.
20:45Oh, she's beautiful.
20:47Like an angel.
20:49Oh, right.
20:50I get it.
20:51It's all a big love club down the church, except I'm not invited.
20:54The only clubs I'm invited to are horrible sex parties and friends reunited dues at TGI Fridays.
21:00Well, fuck you!
21:01Ow!
21:02That's right, Stu.
21:04God didn't protect you from my big fist.
21:06Yeah?
21:07You big lump of monk.
21:09What kind of person am I?
21:11Sitting, watching a film in the company of a man who robbed me.
21:15If Dad knew, he'd call me a Big Jesse in his extremely unfunny gay voice.
21:20I wish that guy in the baseball cap would shut up.
21:22It's annoying, isn't it?
21:24Am I just going to sit here and have my evening ruined by some arsehole?
21:29Just like when I put my Parker on backwards for a joke and Terrence Wu take the hood over my face and everyone laugh.
21:34Well, I'm not going to take it anymore.
21:36I'm not going to fucking take it anymore.
21:39What the f...
21:40Maybe they'll teach you not to rustle your bloody popcorn.
21:45He was really rustling.
21:49That's unacceptable.
21:49I can't believe you just did that.
21:55It was only the trailers, too.
21:56I just really love those orange ads.
21:58I just didn't expect that sort of thing from you, that's all.
22:00Well, I guess sometimes people can surprise you.
22:03You really whacked him.
22:04God, she loves violence.
22:07They probably all do, really.
22:09They say they want you to talk about your feelings, but really, they just want you to beat and gouge your rivals.
22:15Hey, there's the stirring.
22:18The unstoppable rise.
22:20It's like globalisation.
22:21It's inevitable.
22:22Hark at its stately progress.
22:24This is it.
22:25The eagle has landed.
22:27Mark, what's that in your pocket?
22:29Captain Corrigan ready to receive his orders, sir.
22:32No, not that.
22:33The other thing.
22:34Oh, that.
22:35That's just a little friend of mine called Mr Cutty Knife.
22:39In case I have to chop down a rival alpha male.
22:42Mark, you carry a knife.
22:44What the fuck?
22:46Oh, right.
22:46So they like hitting, but there's some massive taboo about stabbing.
22:50No, so it's not a knife, really.
22:52It's for horses' hooves, whittling.
22:57Look, all right.
22:58I mean, it's just I'd like to learn kickboxing to protect myself.
23:03I just don't have the time.
23:04So basically what this is, it's just a rather efficient time-saving device.
23:12Good old Michelle.
23:13Cold but comforting.
23:15Kind of like a friendly Dalek.
23:17I think that guy's got a problem.
23:19He's like some kind of David Koresh, Archbishop Tutu-style religious maniac, you know?
23:25Right.
23:26You're all done.
23:27Okay.
23:28Ready for some dirty playtime?
23:31Carry on the sex odyssey.
23:32But we've already done that.
23:34Oh, we did yours, Jez.
23:35Now it's time for mine.
23:37Oh, God, no.
23:39I mean, I don't feel very well.
23:41Can't we do it some other time?
23:43Jez.
23:44We had a deal.
23:47But I really...
23:49I really don't think I want to.
23:51Me think the lady doth protest too much.
23:54It was a sort of deal, I suppose.
23:56Don't want to get a reputation as a deal, Welcher.
23:59Might stop me getting a mortgage.
24:00Maybe it'll be better if I imagine it's stew.
24:05Yeah.
24:06Just imagine it's lovely stew.
24:08Paranoia, paranoia, everybody's coming to get me.
24:21Just say you never met me.
24:24I'm running underground with the most digging holes.
24:29And you hope I've never met you.
24:42Take care.
24:42Just a story.
24:43Bye.
24:43Bye.
24:44Bye.
24:45Bye.
24:45Bye.
24:45Bye.
24:45Bye.
24:46Bye.
24:46Bye.
24:46Bye.
24:49Bye.
24:49Bye.
24:51Bye.
24:51Bye.
24:54Bye.
24:55Bye.
24:57Bye.