Category
😹
FunTranscript
00:01I'm not six but I'm not well
00:06And I've so hard
00:09Cos I'm in hell
00:19So, stop all the clocks!
00:21Tony and Tony are getting remarried!
00:23I'm sure we made a few mistakes the first time round
00:26But now we've got the chance to make them all over again!
00:31Already he starts with the jokes
00:33At least one of us is serious about actually giving this a fucking go
00:38So long, Tony
00:41You did, didn't you?
00:42Oh, yeah
00:43And you did, obviously
00:45Oh, yeah
00:46Spicy
00:47Clinical, more like
00:49What have you got in there?
00:50A bit of crack
00:51Crack?
00:53Crack, Superhands?
00:54Relax
00:55Relax
00:56It's not Blue Peter
00:57It's having a nice little relaxing smoke of crack
00:59Oh, my lord
01:00Oh, my fucking life
01:01It isn't
01:02It bloody is
01:04GOG
01:06GOG?
01:07GOG
01:08At school, if you were going to sneeze, you'd run up and do it in his face
01:13GOG
01:15Jeremy
01:16What are you doing here?
01:17Wouldn't you like to know, you big prick?
01:20So, what are you doing?
01:21Just running the business
01:22You know, hiring, firing and perspiring
01:24Business?
01:25Look at you with your glass of wine and your jacket, just like a real person
01:30Remember when we made you wank off Purchy's dog for a fiver?
01:33What are you doing, really?
01:34Like I said, business
01:36Going public in April
01:37Usernames
01:38And I'm overseeing the edit on my first short
01:41Honda are very interested
01:43What, so you're actually successful?
01:46Looks like it
01:47Yeah, just come back from three hours trying to find some music for our soundtrack that doesn't completely suck arse
01:53But GOG, I'm music, I make music
01:56Right, well, maybe we should meet up and have a chat sometime
01:59Of course we should meet up sometime and have a chat
02:01Look, here's Superhands
02:03We can do the music, aren't we Superhands?
02:05Tell you what, that crack is really moorish
02:10Saturday shift
02:12I thought we had people in Ireland to do this for us
02:14Lovely trustworthy voices
02:16I can call back at a more convenient...
02:19OK, bye
02:22Hmm, Sophie, with her lovely soft face
02:25Geoff, can't believe they're doing the Stockport contract
02:29Perfect excuse for him to get her round to his place
02:31And here I am, stuck with the new guy
02:34See you later, gays
02:35What?
02:36See you later, guys
02:38Soph, I'll see you back at my place
02:4033 Ringfield Road
02:42You'd bring the vino
02:43I've got the massage oil
02:46He hasn't got any massage oil
02:48He's trying to make me obsess about massage oil
02:50And it's worked
02:52Break with the newbie will be a pain fest
02:54Trying to chat
02:56Maybe I'll say I'm very upset
02:57And go and sit on the loo and just never explain
03:01Huh?
03:02Oh God, he's taunting me
03:04I should have made him a cup of tea when I had one
03:07Hurrah!
03:08It was a joke
03:09A hilarious joke
03:11OK, great
03:12You sure you don't need a loan?
03:14Maybe for some therapy to help you speak properly
03:17Huh?
03:18OK, bye
03:19He'd already hung up
03:22Oh, right
03:24Well then I met you, but I'm so bored I could eat a fucking stapler
03:28This is crazy
03:29I should be working
03:30I should be working, but I'm not
03:32I see you!
03:33I'm Barnes Wallace
03:34You're the roar!
03:35You're the roar!
03:36I'm the roar!
03:37And no one's actually said the word dumbbusters
03:40This is bloody brilliant
03:41I'm having fun
03:43And I'm not thinking about Sophie
03:46Go on
03:47I can't
03:48I'll just imagine it's eating cock
03:49I've got a friend
03:51I've made a friend
03:52Maybe there's nothing wrong with me
03:53And I'm just a normal human being
03:54I can't believe I'm pitching to Gog
03:55I hope he doesn't know it was me who did the shit in his mum's errand cupboard
04:10Please like my music, you lanky wanker
04:14Please, please let me do the music for your Honda film
04:23Want another beer?
04:25Sure
04:26Follow me
04:27He hates it
04:28He bloody hates it
04:29These are my guys
04:31They had to pull a lady
04:32So I was all
04:33Do it round my place
04:34I've got a fridge full of beers
04:36Plus, this way, I get to keep an eye on
04:38Which is cool
04:40Very cool
04:41So, about the track
04:42Hey, you know what I fancy right now?
04:44A kebab
04:45Will you go down and get me a kebab?
04:48You want me to?
04:50I want a kebab
04:52What? Really?
04:54No!
04:55Why? Were you gonna go and get me one?
04:58No
04:59I can't believe you were gonna go and get me a kebab
05:01I wasn't
05:02Well, I want one now
05:04Right
05:07Really?
05:08No
05:09I'm shitting you, Jez
05:11Jesus
05:12Right, so
05:13About the soundtrack
05:14Can I do the soundtrack?
05:15I'm talking to a number of people, Jez
05:17But if I do pick you
05:18What I want
05:19Is something classic
05:20You remember the theme tune from Jaws?
05:22Well, I don't want anything like that, obviously
05:24I want something completely different
05:26I want something that when people hear it
05:28They'll immediately go
05:29Yeah
05:30Right
05:33What shall I write?
05:35How shall I write?
05:36Can't just put not Jaws
05:37Do pretend writing
05:38Are you pretending to write?
05:43No
05:44It's really... I honestly didn't see anyone
05:51Shit! What if they bring in forensics?
05:53Oh, hell
05:55I probably shouldn't have done that, should I?
05:57My prince will be all over it now
05:59Yeah
06:00Well, it's very embarrassing
06:02And since Ian Krauss is of German extraction
06:05It has to be treated as a racial incident
06:07Ian's a... a racial incident?
06:10But why?
06:12Oh, come on, Mark
06:14Germans
06:15Sausages
06:16Do I have to spell it out?
06:19The sausage-munching Bosch
06:22Fritz
06:23The bratwurst guzzler
06:24Of course
06:25Horrible
06:26And they're treating it as a racial incident
06:30Bloody hell
06:31Next you won't be able to get a black coffee from the coffee machine
06:34Exactly
06:35And they'll have a bloody EU banana straightening machine
06:37To straighten all the bananas
06:39Hey, there's already a banana straightening machine
06:41It's called woman
06:42I mean, you take that Sophie, right?
06:45Going over to Geoff's like that
06:46Right in your face
06:47You've got to admit
06:48That is the behaviour of a world-class bitch
06:50Yeah
06:51Go on
06:52Say it
06:53I'm gonna say it
06:54Yeah
06:55I suppose she is a bit of a bitch
06:57Too right
06:58Ask Clarkson
06:59Clarkson knows
07:00Good old Clarkson
07:02People like fast cars
07:04They're like females with big boobies
07:05And they don't want the euro
07:06And that's all there is to it
07:08I'm not that hungry
07:10Do you want anything?
07:11Don't really fancy a chinky
07:13Have you got a pizza menu?
07:14About a million
07:15I'd like to see them run like that carrying real Sten guns
07:21Yeah, do you know about?
07:22Just re-enactments, you know
07:24That's cool
07:25We do like WW2 stuff
07:27Could be a hell of a laugh
07:28You know, just a bunch of guys together
07:30Re-enactments?
07:31They probably sound more fun than they really are
07:34Like Laser Quest
07:36Another beer, G?
07:37Lock and load
07:41God, what is he taking?
07:43Better not disturb him
07:44He might attack me and be sick
07:46Er...
07:47Jeremy!
07:50What?
07:51What's Hans doing?
07:52He's honking on his crack pipe
07:54Crack?!
07:55I've got company
07:57Oh, relax
07:58Oh, I'm Mark
07:59I'm in the 80s
08:00I'm dying of heroin
08:01In a puddle in the corner
08:02In an advert
08:03Drugs are fine, Mark
08:05Everyone agrees now
08:06Drugs are what happen to people
08:07And that's fine
08:08So...
08:09Shut up
08:11Look, I don't want to make a scene
08:12But I really think
08:13What?
08:15It's Gog
08:16I got the commission
08:17Well, congratulations
08:18Shove it up your arse
08:20Shove it up your arse
08:21I've got a commission
08:22It's big and it's fat
08:23And it's going right up your white bread arse
08:26Jez, for God's sake
08:27I'm pleased for you
08:28Oh, yeah, sure you are
08:29So pleased
08:30That I've gone straight to the finish line
08:32On my enormous bike
08:33While you're still jogging along for miles
08:35In the rat race
08:36With you and all the other rats
08:37Exactly
08:38I think it's great
08:39Great
08:40Well, in that case
08:41To get you out for an incredibly expensive meal
08:43To celebrate
08:44I'm not that hungry
08:45Bollocks, we're going
08:49Why'd you have to bring Daryl?
08:51He's a bit boring, isn't he?
08:53Oh, boring?
08:54What?
08:55Because he doesn't go around with
08:56A haircut
08:57And an iPod
08:58And piercings
09:00And a strap-on
09:02Strap-on?
09:03It's an example
09:06Sorry, excuse me
09:07I ordered three pilau rice
09:09And three peshwari naans
09:11It's alright, Jeremy
09:12It's alright
09:13I changed the order
09:14There's always rice left
09:15It's not alright
09:16Bring us three pilau rice
09:18And four peshwari naans, please
09:21I've shared enough rice with you, Mark
09:24I'm in the big league now
09:26Four naan, Jeremy
09:27Four?
09:28That's insane
09:29So
09:30What am I going to pay you to do in my band?
09:33That's very kind of you, Jez
09:35But you don't want to overstretch yourself
09:36Bollocks
09:37I'm a very generous guy
09:39Daryl's bringing his corps anglais
09:41Nancy's singing
09:42What are you going to do?
09:43Well, we did once talk about me doing a kind of Jean-Michel Jarre thing on the keyboards
09:50Mm-hmm
09:51Or
09:53I was sort of hoping you'd say you want to be the manager
09:56Yeah?
09:57You could order me around, which you'd enjoy
09:59But
10:00I'd be your boss
10:01Could be kind of confusing
10:03In a good way
10:04Three more beers for the three musketeers, eh?
10:07Ooh
10:08Ahhhh
10:09Ahhhh
10:10Ahhhh
10:11Ahhhh
10:12Ahhhh
10:13Ahhhh
10:14Hey, check this out, right
10:15Sexy girl walks past
10:16It's like
10:17WHOOSH
10:19Yeah
10:20That's not funny, Daryl
10:22Repeat
10:23Not funny
10:24Oh, come on, lads
10:25Let's lose the cone
10:26I'm a somebody now
10:28There's no need for a cone
10:29Ooh
10:30Too good for the cone, are we?
10:33We're having a laugh, Jeremy
10:35A bloody good laugh
10:36Bet we're having a much better time than Sophie is right now
10:40Hey
10:41Course we are, mate
10:42Course we are
10:43Hey
10:44I'll tell you what
10:45I'll tell you where we should go now
10:48What are we gonna do?
10:50Fuck him up
10:51Maybe we should check the doorbells working nice and loud, yeah?
10:55Or
10:56Or
10:57We could make a special delivery for Jeff Heaney
10:59Er, Daryl, what
11:01What are you...
11:02No, don't
11:04Oh, fuck
11:06Oh, piss
11:10Oh, crumbs
11:16What am I gonna tell Gog?
11:17What happened to all the time?
11:18Where did all the time go?
11:19We had loads of time
11:20What we really need to do is create a powerful sense of dread
11:24See, the longer the note, the more dread
11:31God, that's terrible
11:33It's worse than Daryl's bloody core anglais
11:36Oh, they're useless
11:37I wish they were all robots
11:39I wish I was a robot
11:40Maybe I could punch through a wall
11:42Yeah, okay, right, ready?
11:44One, two, three, let's go
11:46Watch out, they're gonna get you
11:49They're gonna get you, baby
11:51They're coming after you
11:53Watch your back, they're gonna get you
11:55They're coming after you
11:59Look, no, alright?
12:01That's not shit, but just no
12:06Hans, you realise we've only got 39 minutes left?
12:09Oh, right, so now we're working, it's not okay for me to smoke my crack
12:12Yes, exactly
12:13Exactly
12:14What, so next you're gonna boot me out for not wearing a jacket and tie?
12:18Jess, is there anything I can-
12:19It's under control, Mark, okay?
12:21Everything's under control
12:22Will you please get back behind the glass?
12:24But as your manager, I just-
12:25Just get back behind the glass
12:28There is a very clear, if invisible line
12:30Here be beauty, there be pie charts, okay?
12:35Uh, look, I've been here since eight
12:37I'm just gonna go and grab a coffee, alright?
12:38Yeah, but if you're leaving now, don't even fucking dream of coming back
12:46Oh, God!
12:48I mean, obviously, a band isn't an army
12:51But you need some organisation
12:53Exactly my feeling, exactly
12:55I mean, democracy's all very well
12:57But it's weak and it's decadent
12:59You need a strong leader
13:00Er...
13:01I'm in character
13:02Oh, er, yes, yes, right
13:04Yes, the, the Fatherang needs the, the Führer
13:08Oh, God, I'm even boring when I'm a Nazi
13:11Jesus
13:12Classic rubbernecker
13:14Absolutely no interest in military history
13:16Might as well be checking out fucking seed drills down a farm museum
13:19Still, it's nice to get out of the city, isn't it?
13:21Oh, yeah, it's nice to get away from it all, innit?
13:23You know, the work, the smog, the graffiti
13:25Yeah, the traffic, the noise, the hassle
13:28The car alarms, the cash points, the blacks, the packies, the Jews
13:32Oh, er, yeah, yeah, I mean, that's what we all want, a racially pure nation
13:38Exactly
13:39I mean, all we're saying is England for the English, right?
13:42You mean, Germany for the Germans
13:45You mean, this is, er, are we?
13:48Rights for whites
13:49That's not too much to ask, is it?
13:51Is this real now?
13:54Well, we're on the same wavelength, right?
13:56Everyone thinks it
13:57The difference is, we're not afraid to say it
13:59Oh, shit
14:00Oh, bollocks
14:01Of course
14:02I can't just make a nice, normal friend
14:04Oh, no, that would be far too simple
14:06Heil Hitler
14:07Er, Heil
14:09You're not supposed to do that, Daryl
14:12You know you're not supposed to do that
14:14Yeah, I was really, really, really pleased with the track
14:20You know, once we got that weird hiss off
14:23I mean, you'll never get it off entirely, but, you know
14:27Uh-huh
14:28I've got to cut the link
14:30Daryl is definitely beyond
14:32So, the rest of the money should be rolling in soon
14:34Which is just as well
14:36Uh-huh
14:37Or, maybe I'm just overreacting
14:40Maybe everyone does it now
14:41And it's cool
14:42And Ali G
14:43And I'm just an old stick in the mud as usual
14:46Well, like I said
14:47Sorry if I was a bit of a cock muncher down the studio
14:50Fine
14:51It's totally fine, mate
14:52Honestly
14:55Listen, I might pop
14:57Just pop down the, er, chinky
15:00Do you want another thing?
15:02From, er, no, I'm alright, thanks
15:05What about from the Packy shop?
15:07Do you want anything from in there?
15:09The Packy shop?
15:11Yeah, I don't normally go there
15:12They've always got that, what, box on?
15:15Mark, what the hell are you talking about?
15:17Yeah, that's not on, is it?
15:20What I said, it's not alright, is it?
15:24Well, no
15:25No
15:26And, obviously, you don't think there's a global Jewish conspiracy controlling everything
15:33What, you mean, am I a racist?
15:36Yeah, if you think that and say those things, you're a racist, aren't you?
15:43Well, yeah
15:44Yeah
15:45As it turns out, Daryl is a racist
15:49You're sure he's a proper, you know, it wasn't just racist horseplay?
15:56No, because I was in the tent with him for ages and we talked for a long time and it was mostly on racial classifications, head measurements and so on
16:07Wow
16:08I feel terrible
16:10Do you think I should confront him?
16:13You mean you didn't confront him?
16:15Yeah, no, naturally I confronted him, but maybe I should confront him again, more
16:29Tell him I'm not here
16:30Why?
16:31Because I didn't confront him, alright?
16:37Oh, hi, Daryl
16:38Hey, Jez, is Mark around?
16:39He's not, I'm afraid
16:40He's gone out
16:41To get a Thai curry
16:43Because that's what we eat nowadays, while you're chomping on your racist carrots
16:51Hope Geoff's neighbour got the cheque for the window, so sorry
16:54What happened was we were passing and I said, let's see if they're in, throw some stones at the window
16:59And Daryl thought I said a stone and the stone he picked was a brick and, well, he got the wrong window and you know the rest
17:06Sorry I'm late, everyone
17:08Hey Mark, my man
17:10Hey, listen, has your mobile been broke? I've not been able to get you for days
17:15Hey, they do chicken wings, I love chicken wings
17:18So, Alan, why have you got us all down here?
17:21Well, I noticed a bit of static back in the office
17:24Just thought we should come down here for a bit of a bonding sesh
17:27All right, great
17:29So
17:34Anyone see the game last night?
17:36Uh, no
17:37I did
17:38Oh, Thierry Henry, he made Savage look like a right cart horse, didn't he?
17:42Brilliant, wasn't he?
17:43I mean, when are people finally gonna admit that you lot are just better at sports and that's a simple fact?
17:47No, no, not here
17:49No, this can't happen
17:50You lot
17:51He, he means guys like you who are French
17:55He thinks you're French
17:56I keep telling you, Daryl, he's not French
17:59Come on, let's get you a drink
18:01Listen, mate, while we've got a minute, the thing is, I'm busy, you're busy
18:12I just think maybe we should stop seeing each other so much
18:16What? Stop being mates?
18:18Yeah, you know, you say potato, I say tomato, let's call the whole thing off
18:24But why?
18:26Well, it's the 21st century and no one actually likes each other anymore, so let's just leave it at that, shall we?
18:32No, but I do like you, I think you're fucking great
18:35Yeah, well, I'm sorry, but I don't have time, okay? There's no time
18:40So, let's just forget anything ever happened, okay?
18:44It's okay, he doesn't have any feelings, racists don't have feelings, they're subhuman
18:49Yes, little tetraminos, you fit neatly together and dissolve because everything is simple in Tetris world
18:58Uh, Mark, I've got a massive, massive favour to ask you
19:04Uh-huh?
19:05Yeah, it's, um, the thing is, Gog, he's got some reservations about the track and he's holding out on the foreground till we get it right
19:15Uh-huh
19:16But the thing is, I've basically been very, very foolish and I've spent all of our advance on drugs and shoes
19:25And I really need to borrow quite a lot of money to go back into the studio
19:29And I was thinking, I mean, you are the manager
19:33Okay, how much?
19:36Brilliant, now, the favour
19:38That's not the favour?
19:40Uh, no
19:42You see, the thing is, Gog, he's really not very keen at all on any of the track except, as it turns out, for the corps anglais
19:53He wants much, much more corps anglais
19:57No, Jeremy, you know what Darryl's like
20:00No, sure, yeah, absolutely, of course
20:03But look at it another way, we've all got our foibles
20:07I mean, I, for example, hate mozzarella
20:10It's not the same
20:12It is kind of the same
20:14I mean, aren't we supposed to be living in a multicultural democracy?
20:18And isn't that the point?
20:19You know, the Jews and the Muslims and the racists all living happily together, side by side
20:24Doing and saying whatever the hell they like
20:28Corps anglais, of course
20:30Probably place it in the BNP jazz combo
20:33Brilliant, fantastic
20:35What did you think, Hans?
20:36Crack
20:37Just give me crack
20:38Well, I loved it
20:39If you want to print one of those out, or whatever
20:42Jeremy, don't just go
20:45It'll suck
20:46For crack
20:47Yeah, come on, super handers, let's get you some crack
20:50Tell Darryl we're very grateful
20:55Great to hear from you
20:56You, er, got over whatever brain attack you had in Frankie and Benny's den
20:59I'm safe, in my cubicle, I'm safe
21:02So we off for a pint or what?
21:04Er, Darryl, listen, the truth is
21:08I can't be associated with you anymore
21:11Because you're a racist
21:13Huh?
21:14Yeah, but I thought we were on the same wavelength
21:17You know, the sausage, the euro, Clarkson
21:20There's a difference, Darryl, you can't hate people because of their ethnic background
21:24Oh, right, political correctness gone mad
21:27No, I hate political correctness gone mad more than anyone
21:32I don't want to teach the world to sing, that would be horrible, but
21:36Slavery, the holocaust, that's just not on
21:41Whereas I have a dream, South Africa, Benetton, it's
21:47You've got to say, fair enough, yeah?
21:51Yeah, okay, no, fair enough, you've taught me around
21:57I have?
21:59Fuck off, thought police
22:02Well, there he goes, the first friend I've made since Nick Bickford in 96
22:08And I'm pretty sure Nick didn't really like me
22:12Do we have to do this? We're not going to hurt him, are we?
22:16You want your money back, don't you? He's refusing to pay up, Mark
22:19He's refusing to like the track
22:21I told you you should have had a proper contract
22:23How are you feeling, Syvans?
22:25Fine, totally fine
22:26You've kicked the crack?
22:27No, except now, bang a load of Valium up me arsehole for the come down
22:35What's this?
22:36Cover, in case the cops turn up, just a bunch of mates playing a lovely game of baseball
22:40Oh, Jeremy, right, so what, you've had more thoughts about the track?
22:46Yeah, yeah, we have actually
22:48Okay, great
22:49Yeah, we thought we might smash your brains in with a baseball bat
22:52I'm sorry, I'm so sorry
22:54See, we want our money, and we're feeling a little bit clumsy
22:58Whoops
23:00Look, Jeremy, I've told you, it's out of my hands now
23:02The Honda people are very hard to please
23:04Oh, Honda, Honda, Honda
23:06Fuck Honda
23:08Nice, er, packet of Crunchy Nut you've got here
23:10Pretty expensive, as I'm called
23:14Not so rich and successful now, with a piece of wood in your face, hmm?
23:18Right, cheers
23:20Look, Jeremy, we can come back again, he's got the message, you're gonna pay, aren't you?
23:25No
23:26No
23:27Alright, then, we've got our answer, let's go
23:29You've gotta hurt him on principle
23:31Eat him in the fucking batches
23:32Why do I have to? Why don't you do it? Punch him with the glove
23:35Punch him? I can't even make a fist
23:37This is the whole point about contract law
23:39The whole point of a contract is to make sure this kind of thing never happens
23:45Don't answer it
23:46What if it's Honda?
23:47It's not gonna be Honda
23:48Could be Honda
23:50Alright, but a word out of place and you're getting the bat
23:56Hello? Honda?
23:59Oh, really?
24:00Oh, well, that's great news
24:01Oh, well, I'm so pleased
24:03Dave, call the police
24:04There's people here, they're trying to kill them
24:05They're trying to kill them
24:06Oh, shoot
24:10Hello, er, Dave, it's Mark here
24:12I'm an old friend of Gog's
24:14Don't worry, we're not trying to kill him
24:16It's just, er, he's, er, he's never had sushi before
24:19He thought we were trying to poison him
24:21It's all right, Gog, you're not meant to cook it
24:24It's supposed to be raw
24:26Can he call you back?
24:30Hey, Mark
24:32What's the big stink?
24:33Daryl's getting the sack
24:35Apparently he was a massive racist
24:37And not even his best friends knew
24:39Someone reported him
24:41Right
24:45Oh, shit, he knows
24:46He knows it was me
24:47He's got a pipe bomb in his trousers
24:49Don't bomb me, you wouldn't bomb a whitey
24:52Susan, don't worry, I'm not going to embarrass you, all right
24:55I'm going now
24:56I just wanted to say
24:57I don't care what happened
24:58I still think you're a bloody good guy
25:00Oh, and I took the rap for the sausage as well
25:02So you're in the clear there
25:04So, erm
25:05Well, I'll see you around, mate
25:07Yeah
25:14Yeah, and good riddance
25:16You fucking Nazi
25:18You fucking Nazi
25:29Paranoia, paranoia
25:30Everybody's coming to get me
25:34Just say you never met me
25:37I'm running underground with the moors
25:39To get hoes
25:40To get hoes