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Taskmaster Season 19 Episode 3
Taskmaster S19E03
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Transcript
00:00This was a mistake
00:30CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
00:37Hello! Hello, Uncle Davis.
00:39Welcome to Taskmaster.
00:41There's a famous Shakespearean idiom which simply states,
00:45brevity is the soul of wit.
00:48But I'm taking advice from you, am I?
00:50A man who wears a giant detachable collar, doubt it.
00:53I bet you didn't even write your plays, shaky.
00:55Swear down. Give me advice about what's funny.
00:57You're sitting around London with a big cogpie sticking out of your leggings
01:00and I'm listening to you about the introduction to a comedy show, am I?
01:04Wouldn't have thought so, Shakespeare!
01:06What should I do?
01:08Just come on and say, forsooth, or something?
01:10That's proper put me in a bad mood, that is.
01:14Going bald and then growing your hair long anyway?
01:17Now you're lecturing me about introductions?
01:20That's proper put me in a bad mood, that is, shaky.
01:24So...
01:27..good luck to our contestants.
01:29They are...
01:31..Fatih El Ghori!
01:34Jason Manzuka!
01:37Matthew Bainton!
01:39Rosie Ramsey!
01:42And Stevie Martin!
01:46And next to me, a man who told me in private
01:49that he once ran his fingers over the seat of a chair
01:52and someone told him Princess Anna sat on it.
01:57Peter Yianniton!
02:02You've been amazing, Rosie.
02:04Take it away, mate.
02:05Yes, this is your chat section. It's all yours.
02:07Yeah, and I'm glad you call me mate cos we are mates and we hang out.
02:10And what do we do when we hang out?
02:12We...
02:13..do...
02:14..word...
02:15..searches.
02:17We always do our word searches, don't we?
02:19So I've got one for you, Greg.
02:21Can you spot five words, Greg?
02:23Have a look at the word search. Five words.
02:25I love a word search. What can you see, Greg?
02:27Five words there.
02:28Yeah, I can see Greg. Greg. I see Greg around a lot.
02:30It says,
02:31Alex is cool guy. Am I right?
02:34Alex is cool...
02:37Let's start the show.
02:39Let's start the show.
02:40Let's move on to the prize task.
02:42OK, here we go, then.
02:43And this week, we're both interested
02:45because they've been asked to bring in the best thing
02:48for a middle-aged man to keep on his bedside table.
02:53As always, five points for the best thing.
02:55At the end of the show, five things for a middle-aged man
02:57could well go home with a young-aged woman,
02:59but which thing will Greg like best?
03:01Guys, it's time to find out.
03:03Hello, Rosie. Hello.
03:04What have you imagined?
03:08I've got two children. I've got two boys.
03:10OK. I adore them.
03:11They are literally my entire world.
03:14One day, they're going to grow up...
03:17..and they're not going to want anything to do with me.
03:19Oh.
03:22So I just thought, if there was a picture of me
03:24on the side of their bed... Yeah.
03:26..that they could just go,
03:27Oh, I'll text her the day.
03:28Just that. I don't want anything more than that.
03:30You want a constant reminder to yourself...
03:34No, not constant. ..on their bed.
03:36No, listen. No, no, no.
03:38Right, listen. Look, look at the...
03:40It's not constant, cos, look, I've put a little...
03:42LAUGHTER
03:44APPLAUSE
03:48Woo!
03:50You've put a sex curtain on your mum's bed.
03:52I've put a sex curtain!
03:54Are your kids partners in middle age?
03:57Oh, they won't have partners. Are you kidding?
03:59LAUGHTER
04:01My sons are doomed!
04:04I'm not that bad.
04:05And I think that's the intention of this device.
04:08Mums are always watching.
04:11Who's next? Matt Bainton next. Matt, Matthew.
04:13I think the best thing for a middle-aged man
04:16to have on his bedside table is a book of poetry.
04:20Oh!
04:21Devotions by Mary Oliver.
04:23On a pretentious easel.
04:25LAUGHTER
04:27There's something about middle age.
04:31Your back hurts.
04:33Your children don't respect you.
04:35Your partner even less so.
04:37Do you need your mum?
04:38Whatever humble achievement...
04:40LAUGHTER
04:42APPLAUSE
04:46So far...
04:47So, this hypothetical middle-aged man, he reaches over,
04:52he opens the book, he reads a poem,
04:55and something speaks to his heart,
04:58and his heart opens,
05:00and there's a little bit more magic in his world.
05:04Are they uplifting? Are the poems uplifting?
05:06Really uplifting.
05:07Can you name some of her poems?
05:08Well, the one that springs to mind doesn't support my argument,
05:11but it's called When Death Comes.
05:13LAUGHTER
05:15APPLAUSE
05:17Two down.
05:18Two down, Stevie to go.
05:20So, I think that what a middle-aged man would need in his life
05:25is, like, a bit of mystery.
05:27Yeah, I agree.
05:28Like, a bit of, like, oh, hang on, what's happening there?
05:30So far, I agree. Do you agree?
05:32I agree if you agree, yeah.
05:33So, I think if you put, like, a quill on your bedside table...
05:38Fucking hell.
05:39..is it amazing?
05:40LAUGHTER
05:42She's got a quill. A quill?
05:43Yeah, there's a quill.
05:44LAUGHTER
05:46It's a nice one.
05:48Could you just be a bit like, what's that doing there?
05:50Like, why do you need it?
05:52And it would open up a conversation that might be interesting.
05:56I've never given everyone one point before.
05:58LAUGHTER
06:00Right, Jason.
06:01OK, so, I now cannot sleep the night through
06:04without having to get up once or twice to go to the bathroom.
06:07I'm on three.
06:08Three? OK.
06:09So, you're just a couple of years ahead of me.
06:11And you know what?
06:12You're going to have a little flashlight,
06:14or as you call it, a torch, on your bedside table
06:16so that you can find your way to the bathroom
06:18without turning all the lights on and thus waking yourself up.
06:21Can I say, this man is speaking my language.
06:24LAUGHTER
06:26Here's the thing. I went a little overboard.
06:29A normal flashlight has between 80 and 120 lumens.
06:33The flashlight I brought has 200,000 lumens.
06:37And I was told... Wow!
06:39Health and safety, I could not turn it on in the studio with people in it.
06:44Your dumb health and safety said that I couldn't endanger the audience.
06:49Yeah, it is dumb. Cowards.
06:51It is dumb not to blind people on a live entertainment show.
06:54If we were in Maricup, we could blind every single person in here
06:58for the sake of comedy.
07:00Even these assholes!
07:02LAUGHTER
07:05Here's Jason wielding the lumen monster.
07:10Oh!
07:13That is bright.
07:14It's the equivalent of 5,000 iPhone torches at once.
07:18Satya, I dread to ask what you brought in.
07:21So, I brought an orange with the word audacity written on it.
07:26LAUGHTER
07:32Yeah.
07:33Something that middle-aged men have a massive supply of is audacity.
07:38All right? So, this is what you do.
07:40You wake up in the morning and juice it and drink that audacity
07:45so you don't inflict it on anybody else.
07:48LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
07:53What do you mean audacious? I mean, I know what audacious means.
07:56You's lot got some fucking front.
08:00This will remind you to keep that front inside.
08:04All right? Good luck, Greg. Good luck, everyone.
08:07I guess, Greg, what is the worst thing for a middle-aged man?
08:10Worst? It's the quill.
08:12Fuck!
08:14I think this will make you feel better.
08:16I'm giving that two points. OK.
08:18What? Less than the orange?
08:20One to Stevie, two to Rosie, great.
08:23I'm going to give Matthew three points.
08:25Three for Matt, OK.
08:26The orange is so weird.
08:29But I think the principle of it, it's interesting that we should all,
08:32you know, just get ourselves in check sometimes.
08:34But I can't fight my instinct, which is, I want the big torch, so...
08:38There we go, five points to Jason.
08:40APPLAUSE
08:43OK, then, next task.
08:45Off we go, everyone. Come on.
08:47Can somebody please hurry up and answer that smell?
08:51BELL RINGS
09:02Peek-a-boo.
09:05I'll be watching.
09:07Always watching. Bit weird.
09:12Cheese.
09:14I hate cheese.
09:16Every time you move, Alex will play the French horn.
09:20Where are you getting that horn from?
09:23If you choose to only use your sense of smell,
09:27Alex will not play the French horn,
09:30and your final time will be halved.
09:32Fastest wins.
09:34None of this makes sense so far. Right.
09:39Immediately confusing. Mm-hm.
09:41Are you going to use all your senses? Yeah.
09:43OK, I'm going to play the French horn when you move.
09:45OK. Can you actually play it?
09:48Let's do the movement one, then.
09:50I haven't moved yet. Don't blow it.
09:53Your head's moving.
09:57I suspect I'm more likely to succeed
10:01if, in fact, you are playing the French horn.
10:05I'm only going to use my sense of smell.
10:07I'm going to have to put a blindfold on you, earmuffs,
10:09you're going to have to suck on a sweet and you have to wear gloves.
10:11Yeah. You've got to go high-risk, high-yield.
10:16Why not? Just a sense of smell. Go sense of smell.
10:18Shall I put this away? Yeah.
10:20That's for your sense of touch.
10:28Just suck on that and if you could read the last line of the task.
10:36Your time starts now.
10:38APPLAUSE
10:43Well, as Stevie says, you've got to go high-risk and high-yield.
10:50We're going to start with those two people at the end.
10:53It's Fatia and Jason.
10:56HORN PLAYS
11:08You're going to get an ASBO if you carry on like that.
11:10An ASBO? Yeah, an ASBO.
11:14I've found a clue. It says cheese is great.
11:17Oh, interesting. Let's go. Come on.
11:19I mean, is it possible that it's very obviously here?
11:23Hello?
11:28Oh, it must be the sneeze phone.
11:30That's the sneeze phone? Yeah, by the tissues.
11:34Hello? Do you think it's the cheese phone?
11:36It looks like the bees phone. Oh, no.
11:38You need to answer the cheese phone.
11:42There's something in here. OK.
11:45Hello?
11:48Who was that?
11:50It's the sneeze phone. Yeah.
11:52This appears to be the knees phone.
11:54You need to answer the cheese phone.
12:02Oh, I've lost him.
12:05Graters are usually in the cupboard.
12:07Are you looking for a grater?
12:16What's that noise?
12:18It's the phone ringing.
12:25Hello? I have found a task.
12:27Ah.
12:29Read this out loud and in full.
12:31If you fail to read this out loud and in full,
12:33you will fail the current task.
12:35Dear Jason, congratulations.
12:37You have looked under the table and found this.
12:39A letter just for you. Who has no weakness?
12:41You didn't have such curious instincts
12:43and wouldn't have you read his personal letter.
12:45You are Jason. And I'm going to tell you something.
12:48I think you've got what it takes to win Taskmaster.
12:55Is it that?
12:58For some time now, I've wanted to talk to Greg.
13:00To tell him how much I respect and admire him.
13:04But I think you're better.
13:06I think you should be the Taskmaster.
13:08Goodbye, Alex Horne.
13:10Wow. That's huge.
13:12You are against the clock.
13:15Can I just say that this is...
13:17Are you going to answer it?
13:19Of course I'm going to answer it when I get the cheese off, OK?
13:26What's in the balloon?
13:28Congratulations, you have discovered the magic moustache
13:31and must wear it until the end of the task.
13:33Don't mind if I do.
13:35Hello?
13:37Welcome to the Cheese Call Centre.
13:39I found it. Can I go now? Yeah, you can go.
13:41Thank you. You found it in the grating.
13:44BEEPING
13:47Disgusting.
13:49Hello? You've reached the Cheese Call Centre.
13:51What would you like to discuss?
13:53You haven't said anything about my moustache.
13:55I got her to laugh.
14:03I find the phone puns just irritating.
14:06Did they irritate you too? Massively.
14:09What's worse than the puns is how delighted he is
14:13that he has them to say. Oh, my God.
14:15You see when he jumps on it?
14:17Oh, I'm sorry, that's the sneeze phone.
14:19What a fucking asshole.
14:27Tell me some stuff.
14:29OK, well, Fatio, not bad, Fatio, 17 minutes 30.
14:32Jason, nine minutes slower than Fatio, 26...
14:37Nearly half an hour, nearly half an hour.
14:42OK, it's time for a break.
14:44Why not open up that language app and learn the language
14:47that you'll never use in the country you'll rarely visit?
14:50They speak English better than you do anyway.
14:52Put your phone down.
14:54And I should have practised this before.
14:56Soyes, toidas...
14:58Soyes, toidas...
15:06Soyes, toidas, pateticos.
15:20Hello. Hello.
15:22And welcome back to Taskmaster,
15:24where there's a cheese phone ringing
15:26and the contestants need to answer it.
15:29Oh, yes, fastest to answer wins.
15:31For a laugh, we gave them the option
15:33to have all of their senses taken away apart from smell.
15:36Nobody will go for that.
15:38We all laughed at a team drinks event at a wine bar in a city,
15:41but we were so wrong, two out of five did,
15:44and those two people are Stevie and Matt.
15:47Matt in his tiny little shorts.
15:50I can't smell anything apart from the sweet.
16:00There's no way it's in here. It's got to be out here.
16:03The assumption I made, which now seems foolish,
16:07is that there might be a sort of trail of smells.
16:10And now I'm beginning to think
16:12that we've just put some cheese somewhere quite far away.
16:15Mm-hm.
16:20Is it in here?
16:24Can you smell anything?
16:30Oh.
16:32It's my knee.
16:34I feel like I can smell cheese.
16:39Oh, I can feel... I can feel vibrations!
16:44Oh, no!
16:47Yeah, please be a bit careful.
16:52I feel like I've gone further away now.
16:55And yet...
16:57This was completely broke off over here.
17:06Oh, my God!
17:08You're close, Matthew.
17:10Stop saying that!
17:13It's just a hint of cheese in my nose.
17:17Hello?
17:23It smells! I think it's the cheese phone!
17:30Hello?
17:32I can't... I can't hear. No, I know, you've got to think.
17:35You've answered the cheese phone.
17:37Thank you!
17:42APPLAUSE
17:46Well, I feel a bit sorry for Stevie in that task,
17:48because she was extremely efficient.
17:50Yes, she was.
17:52She smelled herself to victory quickly,
17:54but a glorious task attempt was somewhat overshadowed.
18:03It was not my intention to upstage Stevie
18:06with my presumably scrotum.
18:12I had fairly secure undergarments.
18:15Fairly. I would not advise you to watch the original footage.
18:23As you suspected, Stevie very fast.
18:25Six minutes, 44, and we halved that,
18:27cos she only used a sense of smell, so that's three minutes, 22.
18:30Wow!
18:35Matthew took longer than Fatia, 21 minutes,
18:37but he only used a sense of smell, so his time is halved,
18:40you're now in second place, Matthew.
18:42So it was worth it.
18:46Finally, a self-confessed cheese hater, Rosie Ramsey.
18:54There's a bit of cheese. Ah.
18:57Oh, my God, these are on the wall. I saw them the other day.
19:11Cheese.
19:16This is vibrating.
19:20Oh.
19:30Hello?
19:32Rosie, you have answered the cheese phone.
19:35Congratulations.
19:41So efficient, she was listening so fast.
19:43I mean, yes, wasn't she quick and fast?
19:46Sorry, what I mean is, didn't we make her look quick and fast?
19:49Here's a little bit more detail for this.
19:54What's a cheese phone look like?
19:58It's ringing! Hello, Rosie speaking.
20:02Hello?
20:07Hello, Rosie speaking.
20:09Hello, Rosie speaking.
20:11Oh, Jesus, no.
20:15They're just going to be sneezing again, aren't they?
20:18What if they're not? What if it's not a prank call?
20:21Hello?
20:24Oh, shut up. No, stop it.
20:26Still sneezing? Stop. I'm sneezing.
20:28Hello? Hello? Hello?
20:30Hello?
20:32I just can't leave the phone ringing.
20:34Please have melted.
20:36Pardon?
20:38Hello? Where's the cheese phone?
20:46Shh, shh, shh.
20:48There's a bit of cheese.
21:00That wasn't a very nice thing to do, was it?
21:02Sorry, Rosie, but, yeah, you answered the phones 22 times.
21:06And again, and again, and again.
21:08I thought...
21:10No, I thought, they're going to say something different.
21:13In fact, they're still ringing.
21:15So she did badly is the headline, is it?
21:17She did do badly, but not as badly as Jason.
21:1924 minutes 22.
21:22That meant that Stevie Martin got the full five points.
21:28Four to Matthew, three to Fatia, two to Rosie and one to Jason.
21:31Scoreboard, is it?
21:33OK, well, joint winners at the moment,
21:35Fatia and Matthew on seven points.
21:38CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
21:43Levels up another task, please, Alex.
21:45Yes, now, and this is not a euphemism,
21:47it's time for me to show you my ruined abbey.
21:50LAUGHTER
21:52MUSIC PLAYS
22:06You all right? Yeah, I'm not bad.
22:08This is for you.
22:10What is happening here?
22:12It's terrifying, isn't it? It is very terrifying.
22:17Hi, guys.
22:19Don't mind me. Are they saying Matthew?
22:22Matthew.
22:24Just imagine this is what your house is like.
22:27Empty.
22:30What the fuck, man? That one's a monster.
22:33Woo!
22:36Move the most cushions from one bin to the other bin.
22:42Without Alex correctly seeing, what colour cape you're wearing?
22:47You must be wearing a cape on the outside of your clothes throughout.
22:51Choice of capes over there, five colours. Yes.
22:54And just to say, you must be wearing it correctly. Yeah.
22:57There's no funny business there.
22:59I should hope not.
23:01You may not move the bins.
23:03If a cushion touches the ground, the task is over.
23:06Alex will alternately open, then shut his eyes
23:09for as many seconds as there are letters
23:12in each of the words in this task.
23:15OK. I'm going to be still on that spot. Yeah.
23:18Watching through the windows.
23:20I will blow the whistle for closed, I'll blow the whistle when I open.
23:23You've got to try to nip across between the blasts of the whistle.
23:26So it starts with move the most cushions.
23:29So it'll be shut for four for move, open for the,
23:33shut for four seconds for most,
23:35open for eight seconds with cushions.
23:38Everything all right?
23:40You're mad.
23:43You have six minutes.
23:45Your time starts when Alex blows his whistle.
23:48OK, and I'm assuming the capes are just, like, on so much bird shit.
23:52And geese and dogs. I don't like these things, bro.
23:55Three ducks, right.
23:59APPLAUSE
24:04OK, can I say what you just whispered to me
24:07when you made the mean thing to Alex? Oh, yeah.
24:10You know when Rosie went, this reminds me of your house, empty?
24:14We all sort of went, ooh, that's a bit mean.
24:16Rosie looked at me and went, I was on my period.
24:21I quite like his jokes and stuff, but that day I was like, no.
24:24Yeah, shut up. Shut up with the puns.
24:26That explains quite a lot of that day, yeah.
24:29Here we go. First up, uh-oh, here come the girls.
24:32It's Fatia, Rosie and Stevie together.
24:36I'm going to go green. It's my favourite colour.
24:39Are you ready?
24:41Yeah.
24:42WHISTLE BLOWS
24:46WHISTLE BLOWS
24:49WHISTLE BLOWS
24:50WHISTLE BLOWS
24:56WHISTLE BLOWS
24:58WHISTLE BLOWS
25:02WHISTLE BLOWS
25:04WHISTLE BLOWS
25:09WHISTLE BLOWS
25:11Oh, fuck!
25:14You are wearing a green cape. The task is over.
25:21WHISTLE BLOWS
25:26WHISTLE BLOWS
25:29If a cushion touches the ground, the task is over.
25:38I fell over.
25:40Did you? Are you hurt?
25:42No, I'm fine. Did you not hear me?
25:44I heard you, yes.
25:50WHISTLE BLOWS
25:56WHISTLE BLOWS
26:01Fatia? Yeah?
26:03You're wearing a green cape.
26:05You got so far. I did get far.
26:07How many cushions have you got? Four.
26:09Oh, it would have been lovely if you got them in the bin.
26:12Are you taking the mic?
26:14I'm not happy.
26:16OK, thank you, Fatia.
26:18Go away, bruv, go away!
26:20Oh, my God!
26:27Well, failure all round.
26:29At least we all got to hear Fatia call a duck, bruv.
26:36Stevie, you just judged the gap wrong,
26:38but you were such a sneaky sneaker up to that point.
26:40I was really sneaky and then I went across the main one like this.
26:44Different sort of sneaking style, I noticed.
26:47You were very static and serene.
26:50Even when you failed, you didn't move.
26:52It's almost...
26:54It's almost as if you don't care about anything.
26:57She cared, she cared. Did you care about this one?
26:59I did. I was very upset.
27:01I asked to see the director and you said no.
27:06Rosie, ambitious with the amount of cushions you went for.
27:09Yeah. And then, my God.
27:12I know, I know.
27:14Those cushions saved my life.
27:18And I had a bruise a few... I wanted to send you it,
27:20but I thought, he's married, I can't send him a picture of my crotch.
27:23No, it's fine.
27:29Far too great.
27:30It was far too great, wasn't it?
27:32Right, time to stop for another break.
27:34We've reached the halfway point, or as Alex calls it,
27:37his Biffins Bridge.
27:38We'll see you in a minute.
27:41APPLAUSE
27:50Now, it's part three of Taskmaster
27:53and there's a cape-wearing, cushion-carrying,
27:55bin-filling task underway.
27:57Now, for two guys that are more than used to wearing capes,
28:01it's Matt and Jason.
28:03Three, two, one.
28:06WHISTLE BLOWS
28:09WHISTLE BLOWS
28:12WHISTLE BLOWS
28:18LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
28:23WHISTLE BLOWS
28:26WHISTLE BLOWS
28:38WHISTLE BLOWS
28:42WHISTLE BLOWS
28:44LAUGHTER
28:46WHISTLE BLOWS
28:50WHISTLE BLOWS
28:51If a cushion touches the ground, touches the ground,
28:54if a cushion touches the ground, the task is over.
28:57That didn't work.
28:59WHISTLE BLOWS
29:02WHISTLE BLOWS
29:05WHISTLE BLOWS
29:09WHISTLE BLOWS
29:11WHISTLE BLOWS
29:17WHISTLE BLOWS
29:20WHISTLE BLOWS
29:23LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
29:32WHISTLE BLOWS
29:35WHISTLE BLOWS
29:38LAUGHTER
29:40Jason? Yes, Alex?
29:42You're wearing a blue cape.
29:45SIGHS
29:46I had plans. Yes.
29:48I had plans and then I abandoned them. Right.
29:58LAUGHTER
29:59WHISTLE BLOWS
30:06WHISTLE BLOWS
30:10I've done it.
30:14Wow.
30:16What a masterful technique. Brilliant.
30:19I think this marks a real turning point for you.
30:22In his life. Yeah.
30:25Jason, I thought you'd nailed it as well.
30:27This one made me furious afterwards.
30:31Only because I knew that if I'd just followed through
30:34on my initial idea, that it would have worked. Yeah.
30:37Ah, well. You did really badly. I did.
30:40I did quite poorly.
30:42Unlike Matthew, who didn't touch the floor with his cushions,
30:44I didn't catch sight of the colour of the cape,
30:47which is why it's so sad that I do have one more video...
30:51Oh! ..to show you.
30:53Oh, no! Oh, God!
30:55Hang on, those are the only two possible inferences.
30:57Well, we're either going to see something you've done wrong
30:59or we're going to see the full testicles. Good luck.
31:03You may not move bins...
31:06WHISTLE BLOWS
31:09You may not move bins...
31:12WHISTLE BLOWS
31:15You moved the bins one metre for no reason.
31:23That's the one task I was sure I'd done well.
31:26Oh!
31:28It took you ages to get there as well, you really...
31:30Also, my back, if you'd see, I was, like, grazed up.
31:34Oh, he grazed his little back.
31:47Does anyone win?
31:48No, none of them got any points at all.
31:50They were all disqualified.
31:51Right, so let's dust ourselves off and move on. What's next?
31:54OK, well, we're going to have some pretty prompt painting now,
31:57so, er, good luck, everyone.
32:03WHISTLE BLOWS
32:17Wow. You like that?
32:19Of course I like that.
32:20Is my blood still on these curtains?
32:22Yeah, couldn't get it out.
32:24This caravan should get tested.
32:29Paint the best picture of the taskmaster and his assistant
32:32having fun on the canvas in the lab.
32:34When do you guys ever have fun? Have you ever had fun with Greg?
32:38Not...
32:39Yep, that's the answer. Thank you.
32:41You may only enter the lab when there are 30 seconds left in the task.
32:45You have 15 minutes.
32:47Your time starts now.
32:49How are your painting skills?
32:51Very good.
32:52I painted my whole room when I was a teenager in Batman style.
32:57My mum was very upset cos the ceiling was black.
33:02And the floor was black and then the walls were yellow.
33:05And I had all this Batman memorabilia
33:07and then one time we had a guest and my mum, we were short of cups,
33:10so she made me open the memorabilia
33:12and give my Batman cup to one of the people.
33:14I'll never forgive her.
33:16When are you going to start painting, Freddie?
33:18No!
33:23What's this conversation you had with Jason about us not having fun?
33:26Well, we've had fun. We did have fun that time.
33:28We'd been camping, remember? We went camping together, I remember that.
33:30We'd been camping together. What happened on the camping trip?
33:33We can't remember. Correct.
33:35We arrived, we pitched our tents,
33:37and within ten minutes we were so drunk, neither of us remember the trip.
33:42Shall we just have a little chat about the Batman room?
33:44Yeah. Ages ago, when I was, like, 18 or something.
33:4718?!
33:51Other people had boyfriends and I had Batman, what?
33:55So, I want to see some speedy portraits, is what I want to see.
33:58Of course you do. First, let's see what three of them did,
34:01and their names are Matt, Jason and Stevie.
34:04I'm going to go to the lab and see if I can get the canvas out.
34:07Right. Are you going to run again? Yeah.
34:10I'm going to see how this works. Sure.
34:12And then I'm going to assess.
34:16Got it.
34:21And that's the canvas? That's the canvas.
34:23Can I squeeze?
34:28OK.
34:31I hit the blinds.
34:33Um, shall I stop? Well, there's not much point in stopping.
34:36OK.
34:37There we go.
34:39Is this set up for something?
34:41No.
34:43Get out of my way!
34:45What is this thing?
34:47It's a telescope mic stand.
34:49Right.
34:52Oh, boy.
34:53Right.
34:58Realistically, I don't think that's going to do anything.
35:01Alex, what do you and Greg like to do for fun?
35:05We went camping once. Yeah?
35:07Look out!
35:13OK.
35:19All of that build-up, and now so quiet and delicate,
35:22so small...
35:25Look out!
35:28Actually...
35:37Should have done this from the beginning, huh?
35:42Hi, Stevie.
35:43I can't find the stick long enough, so I've got a duck.
35:45I'm going to throw the duck covered in paint at the canvas.
35:47Yeah.
35:49I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry.
35:52You're allowed in in 55 seconds.
35:56Very nice.
35:57I realise I didn't give Alex his little leg.
36:08Three, two, one.
36:14You're allowed into the lab. Oh, great.
36:17Give me the painting!
36:22Thank you, Matthew.
36:37Stevie.
36:38What was with the throwing a duck at the canvas?
36:41I don't know! I don't know!
36:43Potato print painting.
36:47Potato prints.
36:48You know when you do it and you go...
36:50I was like, I'll do that with the duck's stomach.
36:52And you thought you would go...
36:53And it would be a picture of me and Alex.
36:55Well, if I did it once, then I could go and get more ducks,
36:58and then I could make, like, a pattern.
37:00Fascinating.
37:01Jason, I think there's this inner rage to you that I really enjoy.
37:05Well, not even inner.
37:06I mean, you're like an actual madman.
37:09Yes.
37:10I vowed at the beginning that I would destroy that house
37:13and every task was an opportunity.
37:16Well, let's see the fruits of their labour.
37:18That's L-A-B-O-U-R, Jason.
37:20Here is...
37:24..Matt's effort. Remember?
37:26Oh, wow!
37:27It was very pleasant.
37:28That's what happened!
37:29That's a camping trip.
37:31I knew we were wearing top hats.
37:35It should come back to that.
37:38It should come back to that.
37:42Can you compare that to Stevie's effort?
37:45Yes, please.
37:48That's 15 seconds.
37:50Also, I did some facial hair.
37:52I don't know who for.
37:54I'm on the left, you said,
37:55so I'm slightly bigger than Greg in the end.
37:57Yes, because you were closer in the fun.
37:59And I've got the big, long, angular tongue.
38:04OK, and then Jason ended up doing this.
38:09You said there's Greg with the strong legs,
38:11Alex with the clipboard and Greg with the big dick.
38:15What could be more fun?
38:17OK, let's stop for the last break.
38:19In a few minutes, one of them will be on stage,
38:21triumphantly lifting an orange above their head,
38:24with all of their friends and family watching.
38:26Horrible proof that winning isn't everything.
38:29We'll see you in a minute.
38:34APPLAUSE
38:39Hello.
38:40Welcome back to the final part of the show
38:42and our speedy art challenge.
38:44Now for Rosie Rambeau and Fatia El Gambo.
38:49OK.
38:50I've got an idea.
38:52Oh.
38:53This is you painting, is it?
38:55Yeah.
38:56It's a frolicking.
38:57Ah, frolicking is fun.
38:58Frolicking's good.
38:59Everybody likes the beach, right?
39:01Mm-hm.
39:02Let's go to the beach.
39:04This is going to come out so good, yeah.
39:06Even what's-his-name Van Gogh's going to call me and go,
39:09Fatia, come and work with me in the lab.
39:13Do you like golf?
39:14Of course I like golf.
39:15Do you like golf?
39:16I'll put some golf clubs here.
39:18Bang.
39:19And then I'm going to do one last thing.
39:23Look at that.
39:24How skill is that?
39:25You've got to be at the lab in one minute.
39:28Gosh, OK.
39:29We can probably make our way down the corridor quite soon.
39:31Oh.
39:34You've got 30 seconds, Rosie.
39:41Ten seconds.
39:48Oh, that's not that bad.
39:53What's wrong?
39:56Look at that.
39:57It's dripping. Are we fine with that?
39:59Of course we're fine with that.
40:01That's cos it's hot.
40:02Climate change, innit?
40:05This is a topical piece, OK?
40:08It could have gone worse.
40:09A lot worse.
40:10Thanks, Rosie.
40:11Bye-bye.
40:13Oh!
40:15Oh!
40:18Bye-bye.
40:20Oh!
40:23Oh!
40:24Oh!
40:29Oh!
40:32Oh!
40:37You bastard!
40:40Bye, Rosie.
40:41No!
40:44So sad.
40:49I was sort of horrified by how hilarious Alex was finding you.
40:54And then Alex pointed out during that that the camera is really shaky
40:57and it's because the cameraman was laughing.
40:59Is that the one?
41:01That's true.
41:02We were so impressed by the picture, it was a release of emotions.
41:05Incredible.
41:06People thought that Fatia would have made such a powerful statement
41:10about the climate crisis.
41:13It's pretty strong. This is the final image.
41:15There's something there, isn't there?
41:17There is. Talk us through it, Fatia.
41:19So, yous are at the beach, all right?
41:21We both are, yeah.
41:22That yellow thing is the sun.
41:24The blue things are the birds.
41:26I gave you hair.
41:27Look, people...
41:28What do you mean, you gave me hair? Why are you saying that?
41:30No, I mean...
41:34OK, well, here is Rosie's before.
41:37Lovely.
41:38Oh, you're so good.
41:40And then, a few seconds after...
41:42Not that one.
41:44Is Alex better? It's quite dark, isn't it?
41:46Alex has sort of shown his satanic side.
41:50He's been revealed for the monster he is.
41:53Well, look, I'm going to put them all up, Greg,
41:55and you can judge them.
41:58I gave you hair.
42:00I gave you a hat.
42:01Yeah.
42:02I gave you a big dick.
42:14And a clipboard. Don't mind that.
42:16And a clipboard.
42:17And I'll judge them as works of art.
42:19Yes, please.
42:20Jason, one point.
42:21Damn it!
42:23Stevie, the duck thrower, two points.
42:25Two points to Stevie, got it.
42:26Three points to Rosie.
42:27Good stuff, OK.
42:28Four points to Fatia, and...
42:31I know what it's like to have fun with Alex Horne,
42:34and I do it in a tent with a top hat on.
42:38Five points to Matt.
42:45Please make your way to the stage for the final task of the show!
42:54What's up, sweet cheeks?
42:56Thank you. Well, it's just a lovely family photo.
42:59Oh, that is nice.
43:01Matt is going to read out the task.
43:03Good luck, Matthew.
43:04Take it in turns as teams to obey Greg's previous order.
43:09If you hesitate, your team loses the round.
43:12Highest score after five rounds wins.
43:15I'm going to unpick this for everybody.
43:17Greg has some instructions.
43:19The instruction will be for the person standing up
43:21and they must do the thing to the person sitting down.
43:23If it was, hit him, don't do it,
43:26then the next one, kick him, then you hit him.
43:28Hit him.
43:29Why are you moving your foot? I hit him.
43:32That embraces his neck.
43:34There are five rounds, there's one point per each round.
43:37This team is kicking things off.
43:40Good luck.
43:41Spin them.
43:45Pat them.
43:48Tickle them.
43:50Smell them.
43:53Spin them.
43:55Flip them.
43:58Chive them.
44:00Shake them.
44:02WHISTLE BLOWS
44:03That was not a chive.
44:04That is a chive.
44:05That was a flick.
44:06You don't chive with a flick, young lady.
44:09I'm so sorry.
44:10The team of three have one point.
44:12That's how the game works.
44:13Please rotate.
44:14I'm really sorry.
44:15Oh, you're OK.
44:16I'm really sorry.
44:17Well done.
44:18APPLAUSE
44:19I still don't get this.
44:21OK, this time, the team of three are starting.
44:23That's you, Rosie, starting. OK.
44:25Here we go.
44:26Tickle them.
44:27Smell them.
44:29Smell them.
44:30WHISTLE BLOWS
44:31No.
44:32LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
44:43I'm sorry.
44:44I'm so sorry.
44:45One all.
44:46We're starting with a team of two this time.
44:48Yeah.
44:49OK, here we go.
44:50Chive them.
44:51Smell them.
44:53Blow them.
44:55WHISTLE BLOWS
44:56Well, they both did it wrong.
44:58It was their turn.
45:00It was their turn.
45:01You did it when you weren't supposed to,
45:03you didn't do it when you were supposed to.
45:05LAUGHTER
45:06Neither of you get any points for that.
45:08Incredible.
45:09The team of three are starting.
45:11Come on, everyone.
45:12Tickle them.
45:13Tickle them.
45:15Blow them.
45:17Pat them.
45:19Shake them.
45:21Spin them.
45:22Tickle them.
45:24Smell them.
45:26Flick them.
45:28Smell.
45:29WHISTLE BLOWS
45:30You should have smelled, Matt.
45:31That's another point to the team of two.
45:33Yes!
45:34APPLAUSE
45:36Here we go, final round.
45:37Here we go.
45:39Tickle them.
45:40Smell them.
45:41WHISTLE BLOWS
45:42Blow them.
45:43WHISTLE BLOWS
45:44LAUGHTER
45:45You were supposed to do the previous instruction.
45:47It means it's three ones for the team of two.
45:49APPLAUSE
45:53CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
45:55Well, with that, folks, your final scores.
45:57Come down and join me!
45:58CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
46:04So, the team of two won three points in that.
46:07The team of three won one point each,
46:09which means the final scores...
46:12He's only gone and done it again. He's on for the clean sweep.
46:15So, Matthew Bainton's the winner once more!
46:17CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
46:20Matthew wins!
46:22Clean sweep, we have it.
46:23You're up to marvel at your middle-aged man memorabilia!
46:26CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
46:31What have we learned today?
46:33We've learned so many things in this episode,
46:35so many things have happened,
46:36and yet every single person watching this show tonight
46:40will remember just one thing.
46:42LAUGHTER
46:44This.
46:46CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
46:49Go on, Stevie!