Taskmaster.S19E01
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FunTranscript
00:00This was a mistake!
00:04Shut up!
00:05Button?
00:14You're mad.
00:16Wow.
00:30APPLAUSE
00:35Hello! Thank you, I'm Greg Davies.
00:37Welcome to this brand new series of Taskmaster!
00:45I have never felt so full of hope.
00:48The tasks are new, the contestants are new,
00:51and whilst I was enjoying my single-origin espresso this morning,
00:54they were being shaved down and put through our 12-point hygiene programme,
00:58ready for battle, so they all smell just great...
01:01for now.
01:02So, let's meet the new recruits,
01:04ready to risk it all to take home Daddy's golden head.
01:10Daddy's golden head of destiny,
01:13is a sentence I forgot I wrote.
01:16Please welcome...
01:18Fatih Al Gorey!
01:21Jason Mandzuka!
01:24Matthew Baker!
01:26Rosie Ramsey!
01:29And Stevie Martin!
01:33And next to me, a man who is a lifelong supporter
01:36of Liverpool Football Club,
01:38and tells me that the only downside to that
01:40is meeting the other fans,
01:42who he finds to be universally stupid
01:45and physically disgusting.
01:47LAUGHTER
01:49Thank you, Alex Hall!
01:52Nice to be here.
01:54OK.
01:55Hello, everyone.
01:57I've designed for episode one a brand-new magic trick,
02:00and I know you love magic, Greg.
02:01I love magic.
02:02Well, you're going to love this magic trick.
02:03It's called the magic pen.
02:04It looks like an ordinary pen.
02:06Mm-hm.
02:07But I've signed it using the pen.
02:11How?
02:13I'll tell you how.
02:15Magic.
02:16Magic.
02:18Magic.
02:19Magic pen.
02:20How's it done?
02:22I know you're thinking, maybe I've used a second pen.
02:24Well, look.
02:25Here is another pen.
02:26Also signed.
02:27How?
02:28I'll tell you how.
02:29Magic.
02:30Magic.
02:32Could there be another pen?
02:33Yes, but also signed.
02:36Magic.
02:37Yes.
02:38I know the man well,
02:39and I wouldn't be surprised if there's a fourth pen.
02:41LAUGHTER
02:43Magic.
02:45I don't think you'd go to fifth, though.
02:47I did, actually,
02:48and I couldn't work out how to get it on this one.
02:50Anyway, that's the magic trick.
02:52An auspicious beginning to a new season.
02:55Series, Jason.
03:00I'm with him, you're a guest in this country.
03:03You'll learn our ways by hook or crook, young man.
03:07OK, let's have our first prize task category, please.
03:10OK, and we're starting the series with the object
03:13that reminds you of school the most in a good way.
03:16Mm.
03:17We all know Greg used to be a teacher.
03:18Mm.
03:19We also know Greg has played teachers on TV,
03:21and, as the taskmaster, he's sort of like a head teacher.
03:24So, yes, Greg's got range.
03:26Five points...
03:28I've not got range!
03:30I'm amazed you're in showbiz!
03:34You should be, at most, an assistant bank manager.
03:38LAUGHTER
03:39So, five points will be gifted to the bringer of the item Greg likes best,
03:43and the winner of the episode will take home all five prizes
03:46in a great big school satchel.
03:48Peace out, man.
03:49OK, Fatio, welcome to Taskmaster.
03:51What have you brought me?
03:52So, I brought in a golf club.
03:54Here it is.
03:55That reminds her of school the most in a good way.
03:58As a kid, I used to be really naughty, and my mum had enough,
04:01so she came up the school, and she goes to the teacher,
04:03if Fertiha keeps on playing up, hit her, and then he got this thing,
04:08and he put it as if he's going to do a golf move, and then...
04:11And he would hit you with a golf club?
04:12No, he would pretend to.
04:13Are you mad?
04:14Am I mad?
04:15LAUGHTER
04:16Like, he would pretend to, so he'd, like, try to scare me
04:20into being a good girl.
04:21So, the thing that you've brought in that reminds you of school
04:24in a good way is a golf club that your teacher used to
04:27threaten you with.
04:28Yeah, cos I never got hit, so that's a good thing.
04:30Ah!
04:31The glass is half full.
04:34Jason, what thing did you bring in to represent the good times?
04:38Well, this, for me, was something that was ubiquitous
04:40in my high school.
04:42It is a map, but it's the kind of map that was mounted on the
04:45blackboard that you pulled down like this.
04:47Oh, sweet.
04:48Right?
04:49See, I thought you might like that.
04:50Here it is.
04:51Oh, yeah.
04:52Oh, yeah, nice.
04:53I mean, how satisfying is that?
04:54That's nice.
04:55If I could just imagine myself in the world.
04:58So, your childhood imagination just soared?
05:01Just wishing that I could get out and get here onto this stage.
05:05Wow.
05:06It's both heartwarming and tragic.
05:08LAUGHTER
05:09Who's next?
05:10Oh, I've got some facts about America, if you want.
05:12No, thanks.
05:13LAUGHTER
05:15I have brought the TV trolley.
05:19Oh, the TV trolley.
05:21Another blinding move.
05:23Just a sweet nostalgia.
05:25When this bad boy came out, you knew you were in for 45 minutes
05:29of watching a probably late 70s, early 80s old episode
05:34of Equinox.
05:36Yeah.
05:38Science documentary.
05:39And you would ignore the educational content
05:41and you would just be sort of laughing at the fashion.
05:44Well, having been a teacher,
05:46I can give you a bit of a glance behind the magician's curtain here.
05:49Because normally you would see the film or the documentary on a Friday,
05:53and the reason for that is the teachers all went to the pub.
05:55And I'm proud to tell you, I did a five-pint lunch.
05:59LAUGHTER
06:01Every Friday?
06:03And it was Guinness too, so I was heavy.
06:07LAUGHTER
06:09Thank you, I like your trolley.
06:11I mean, I've got to say, the golf club's looking less and less appealing.
06:14LAUGHTER
06:16Rosie, welcome.
06:19What have you brought in?
06:20I brought me school dinner.
06:21Oh.
06:22LAUGHTER
06:23So that's chicken with gravy.
06:25Is it?
06:26LAUGHTER
06:27The TV should not stand up.
06:29What's all the way to the left next to the brown turd?
06:32LAUGHTER
06:33Oh, that's stuffing.
06:34The dessert is on the same thing as the main.
06:36Yeah.
06:37So you could go in your...
06:38That's all right.
06:39It all goes in the same stomach.
06:41That's bold.
06:42This is good.
06:43Stevie, school, good times?
06:45No.
06:46But I found, like, a sort of cultural cachet in my school,
06:50which involves the prize task.
06:52Write cultural cachet down.
06:53Yes.
06:54Is it, hold it down to get the E acute?
06:56LAUGHTER
06:58Stay with me.
07:00LAUGHTER
07:02It is.
07:04LAUGHTER
07:06LAUGHTER
07:09So, scented gel pens.
07:11Oh.
07:12What people would do is draw their name for the person
07:15they were going out with.
07:16Mm.
07:17And then everyone would just walk around smelling the back
07:18of their hand all day.
07:19Yeah.
07:20But the cultural cachet was that my name begins with S,
07:23so I could do the Superman S thing, which was...
07:25Do you know the Superman S thing?
07:27Yeah.
07:28Yes, of course.
07:29OK.
07:30You said that you were in your 70s or something.
07:31I don't know.
07:32They had Superman, didn't they?
07:33No, they didn't.
07:34LAUGHTER
07:36I'm not Victorian.
07:38Sorry.
07:39Sorry, yes, yes.
07:40Five objects there, Greg.
07:42What reminds you of school in the least good way?
07:44Well, obviously, being hit with a golf club.
07:47One point to Fatih.
07:48Well done, we're off the mark.
07:49I guess I have to judge it on the things that made me go,
07:51ah, the most, so I have to give Stevie two points
07:53because gel pens are a little bit new for me.
07:55Two to Stevie.
07:56Three to the school dinner.
07:58OK.
07:59Ah, for no other reason than we need to move on.
08:01OK.
08:02And...
08:03I love the VHS trolley,
08:05but it also slightly reminds me of my own teaching days.
08:08I love the romance of the map.
08:10So, five points to Jason.
08:11There we go.
08:12Well done, Jason Munster, five points.
08:14APPLAUSE
08:16Right, let's get going.
08:18OK.
08:19Well, hands down and heads up
08:21as we kick off proceedings in the lab.
08:24Hello, hello, hello.
08:38Fancy seeing you here.
08:42Jason.
08:43Alex.
08:47Hi.
08:48Excellent entrance.
08:50Is this the lab?
08:59Wait, am I in the wrong room?
09:01This is the lab.
09:02It's the lab, innit?
09:05Bit mad.
09:06I'm going to read this.
09:07Not wasting any time.
09:08Right.
09:09Hello.
09:10Stevie?
09:11Yes.
09:12Did you get lost?
09:13I went to the wrong room.
09:15Let's go.
09:16Put your hands on the hands.
09:20Shut your eyes and keep them shut
09:22until you hear the whistle.
09:24Time to start now.
09:25Put your hands on the hands.
09:26Yes, please.
09:27Oh, I'm scared.
09:29OK.
09:34Are they shot?
09:35Yeah, they shot.
09:36Marvellous.
09:37I can't.
09:39Oi, don't make me look silly, innit?
09:42I wouldn't dream of it.
09:43Wow.
09:45Can I open my eyes now?
09:50Yes, if you've heard the whistle.
09:55Ah!
09:58What?
09:59What is it?
10:01Yeah, that's what I thought.
10:02Two jars of piss.
10:05You've got your glasses on again if you want.
10:08Son of a bitch.
10:10OK, you can read the next part of the task now.
10:11Are you taking a mick?
10:12How am I going to do that?
10:16Oh, I hate this.
10:18Pour all the vinegar into the fish tank.
10:22Fastest wins.
10:23For every millimetre spilled.
10:25One second will be added to your time.
10:27Your time starts when you heard the whistle.
10:29OK.
10:30Alex, where's the fish tank?
10:31Let me guess.
10:32It's underneath me?
10:34Is that a fish tank?
10:35Is this a fish tank?
10:37LAUGHTER
10:38APPLAUSE
10:43Good.
10:44Fatia said,
10:45Oi, don't make me look stupid, innit?
10:47And all I've written is,
10:49You have come to the wrong show, my friend.
10:51LAUGHTER
10:54She was furious from the moment we said,
10:56Shut your eyes.
10:57Oh, for goodness.
10:58Yeah.
10:59That's how I am, honestly.
11:00Once I went to the shop and they ran out of the chocolate I wanted
11:02and I called the police.
11:05You reported him because he hadn't kept up to speed with his chocolate supply.
11:08Yeah.
11:09Wow.
11:11Well, we begin with Fatia and Jason.
11:15And Matt.
11:17And Stevie.
11:19And that's it.
11:20Sorry, Rosie.
11:21Here we go.
11:26Laughing doesn't help.
11:29Oh, I can't...
11:33What happens if it's...
11:34It's going to take some time.
11:41And I haven't thought through what happens when I get to the edge.
11:47Your finger's been the wrong way.
11:48Which way up are they?
11:51That's amazing.
11:53Don't start!
11:55Don't start, Ralph.
11:56My assumption is I can...
11:58Whoa.
11:59Now what?
12:01Come on, you.
12:04Why are you laughing, bro?
12:07Okay.
12:21Right.
12:23Now we're cooking.
12:27Perfect.
12:28See you in a minute.
12:31We're going to follow you.
12:32Of course you're going to follow me.
12:35It's all science-y in here.
12:37This season's theme, science.
12:39Oh, God.
12:45It's probably in the shed.
12:47Fish tank, fish tank, fish tank.
12:49Pour the vinegar in the fish tank.
12:51If I don't find it soon, I'm going to drink it!
12:53Okay.
12:54I'm either going to hate you or I'm going to hate myself.
12:56Okay.
12:57Well, I hope it's you in a way.
12:58This is a tank.
13:00No, it's not a tank.
13:01Well, that's a...
13:02It's a submarine.
13:03Hmm.
13:04All right.
13:05Have I lost my mind?
13:10Oh, you're taking the piss, bruv.
13:13What's this?
13:14What's it look like?
13:16You fucking assholes.
13:17Wait.
13:18Oh!
13:19Fish tank!
13:20Oh, fuck.
13:21I just spilled some.
13:22This is popping everywhere.
13:23Oh, okay.
13:24Okay.
13:25I don't like that.
13:26Son of a bitch.
13:28Oh, this is good.
13:29Okay.
13:30All the winning is in the fish tank?
13:31Yes.
13:32Yeah, it is.
13:33Oh, it's 12 o'clock.
13:34Done.
13:35Woo!
13:36That was exciting.
13:38Yeah, for you, you're not the one that smells like a chip shop now, isn't it?
14:00Have I gone past it and just not seen it?
14:03I genuinely don't know. I can't imagine so.
14:05You genuinely don't know?
14:08Bullshit.
14:13He's doing laps now.
14:17I'm going back in here.
14:23Fuck off!
14:25Hey Matthew.
14:27You found a fish tank?
14:28Yeah.
14:29You found a fish tank?
14:30Do you remember I said I'd either hate myself or you?
14:34Yeah.
14:35It's you.
14:44It seems that we have a very angry cohort already this year.
14:48Matthew ran around a garden.
14:50What were you thinking when you were just running around the garden?
14:53Looking for a fish tank.
14:56And then when you did find it, you were very angry?
14:59Yes.
15:00Were you angry at the pun?
15:01Yeah.
15:02Yeah.
15:03I think that's what we all got.
15:05I think we were fairly angry.
15:07I mean, it was irritating.
15:09So irritating.
15:10Stevie, I was quite fascinated by you suddenly shouting that if you
15:14didn't find the tank soon, you were going to drink the liquid.
15:17Especially as in the early part, you'd identified it as Pierce.
15:20Yes.
15:21But it was quite dehydrating, the process.
15:24And also, as well, I just completely ignored the two jar lids.
15:29It messes with your brain, doesn't it?
15:30Yeah.
15:31And this is the stuff that he loves.
15:32Yeah.
15:33And he's going to go home and go...
15:34And I can tell you that so far, the person who's doing the best
15:41in the task is Stevie.
15:43You did 7 minutes 42 and you didn't spill anything.
15:45Matt didn't spill anything either.
15:46It took 12 minutes 3 seconds.
15:48It looked worse than that, but because of the lack of spillage,
15:50you were fine.
15:51Jason, you were much quicker, but your milliliters or spill-a-liters,
15:54you could call them spill-a-liters...
15:55LAUGHTER
15:56Let's not do that.
15:58Tipped you over to 17 minutes 29.
16:00I'm so sorry.
16:01Because I was penalised for spilling.
16:02Penalised and Fatia, you were...
16:04LAUGHTER
16:06Fatia, 10 minutes 12.
16:07But we're not going to find out how Rosie's done until after the break.
16:09Oh!
16:10Ooh, that builds the tension.
16:12It must be really shit.
16:13LAUGHTER
16:15Go on then, off you pop.
16:17I said it's break time, go!
16:19LAUGHTER
16:29Hey!
16:30Welcome back to Taskmaster.
16:32Our first task is underway and the new contestants have been trying
16:35to pour all of their vinegar into a fish tank.
16:38A fish tank which turned out to be a tank driven by a fish.
16:41It's clever, it's funny and it winds Greg up.
16:44Tick, tick, tick.
16:45For every millilitre spilt,
16:47one second will be added to their time.
16:49Rosie has watched all of her rivals' attempts
16:52and now she has to watch herself back,
16:53knowing what's happened before her.
16:55So, good luck, Rosie.
16:57Well done.
16:59Can I go in here?
17:00OK.
17:01Fish tank.
17:02LAUGHTER
17:03How's it going, Rosie?
17:04Erm, it's...
17:05No, I haven't found anything yet.
17:06This is a bath.
17:07Yeah, okay fish time
17:13How's it going Rosie and it's I know I haven't found anything yet. This is a bath
17:20That's a good last not fish tank. I don't think I've not seen a fish tank anywhere
17:28No
17:31Anything could be a fish tank really couldn't it
17:37Oh
17:40Is that a fish tank or a jar
17:43Jar isn't
17:58Should I disqualify you or not no what
18:02Do you want to tell you the definition of a fish tank I do want you to tell me where it's a tank driven by a fish
18:12Or a transparent container of water in which live fish and other water creatures and plants are kept
18:17I thought outside the box
18:22Times and you can decide what to do stevie was the quickest with 742 then fatia 10 minutes Matt 12 minutes
18:28Rosie was 15 and a half minutes didn't spill a drop Jason because of his spillage was 17 minutes 29
18:35If it had been a normal fish tank then I would be penalizing Rosie, but because it was a stupid plan words
18:40I'm going to allow her fish tank
18:42So you're saying that Jason comes last one point two points to Rosie three to Matt four to fatia, but stevie gets the full five points
18:58Let's have our first scoreboard please joint leaders with seven points and Matt and stevie
19:03What's next my cylindrical little piglet?
19:13Don't mind that backwards and forwards thing cool are doing involves tasks next this Greg. Well, oh god
19:19You look very cool. I know you look nice. I look cool
19:39cool
19:41Cool guy
19:43Thank you
19:45If you could use one word to describe me what would it be?
19:47Ridiculous
19:49Oh
19:51Not what that's happening for
19:53Do something really cool you have a maximum of 10 minutes your time starts now
19:59Is there a bed?
20:03Cool sort of not caring
20:05Yeah, I don't care
20:07Or is it actually cool to be passionate?
20:11Now super quick question. Can I get on the roof?
20:14I would say you definitely can't do that
20:16Really I can't go out into traffic
20:20No
20:21Can't get on the roof can't go on the road
20:24You know what comedy thrives on yes and not no but
20:30It wasn't even no but it was you definitely can't
20:32Oh that's anti-cool
20:34Okay
20:36What cool things can you do?
20:38Let's think of cool things I can't do
20:40Right
20:41And then we try to find something that I can do
20:44What's cool? What is cool?
20:46Lemonade?
20:48Yeah lemonade is cool
20:50What do you do that's cool? Sometimes spit
20:52Yeah
20:56What? Yuck
20:57I'm gonna go and get the guitar
21:00It's time horn
21:07Yeah, happy with that?
21:08Yeah, see you later mate, move
21:10Oh, actually we're not sitting down, I'm so sorry
21:12It's actually rude rather than cool
21:14I know
21:15Um, sorry, sorry, sorry
21:16There is one more
21:18Thing
21:20Great
21:21Do your cool thing backwards
21:23Do your cool thing backwards?
21:24The cool thing backwards played backwards
21:26That looks most like the forwards cool thing played forwards wins
21:31Ah
21:33You have 15 minutes
21:35Your time's starting out
21:37APPLAUSE
21:43Well I think I speak for all of us when I say I'm looking forward to Matthew playing a song backwards
21:48LAUGHTER
21:50Well we're gonna start with Martin Stevie doing something cool backwards
21:54Backwards
21:55Backwards
21:56It's time horn
21:57It's time horn
22:02Yes I'm trying
22:05So that was the footage reversed obviously so...
22:19Oh was it?
22:20Yes
22:21Oh
22:22Stevie, I'm not one for platitudes, it might be the single coolest thing I've ever seen
22:25I enjoyed the addition of the little man popping out of the bin
22:28LAUGHTER
22:30I've got no notes
22:33Fine
22:34It will go downhill right?
22:35Well there's Matt playing guitar next
22:36Here we go
22:37LAUGHTER
22:38I'm Matthew Bainton and this is cool
22:48Don't let the bad kids get you down
22:51Turn that big frown upside down you'd be a fool
22:56If you thought that not caring was cool
22:59I'm Matthew Bainton and this is cool
23:08LAUGHTER
23:09LAUGHTER
23:10...
23:11...
23:12...
23:13...
23:14...
23:15...
23:16...
23:17...
23:18...
23:19...
23:20...
23:21...
23:22...
23:23...
23:24...
23:25...
23:26...
23:51I thought you were this generation's Morrissey before I...
23:54before I even saw it reversed
23:57Quite Eurovision, isn't it?
23:58Sort of 70s Eurovision
24:00It straddles the genres
24:01It does
24:02LAUGHTER
24:03I mean, if this is the last thing you achieve in your life
24:05you've done well
24:06LAUGHTER
24:07I think it's powerful
24:08Thank you
24:09Can I get a rewind?
24:10You can because it's time for Rosie Ramsey
24:13Can you give me a sick sick beat?
24:15OK
24:16..
24:27...
24:28LAUGHTER
24:29..
24:30APPLAUSE
24:31...
24:32...
25:05I've got kids.
25:08I felt like we were watching CCTV from a secure unit.
25:17Really bad.
25:22And now, as I always say, partway through Alex and my playful wrestling sessions,
25:27it's time for a break.
25:28CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
25:35Hello. Welcome back to the third part of the show,
25:41where our cool new contestants have to be cool
25:44and then do that cool thing backwards.
25:46Oh, yeah, this guy knows his shiz.
25:48Next up, good luck guessing what's happening here, Greg.
25:51It's Fatia's attempt.
25:52And now he's done.
25:57He's done.
25:59He's done.
25:59He's done.
26:00And he is coming.
26:02And now he is ready.
26:07This is my whole movie.
26:10I'm not going to die.
26:13I'm not going to die.
26:15I
26:32Fuck's going up
26:35Do you want to see it going forward? Well, I need to because at the moment I just feel angry
26:39Okay, well, this is a cool thing she did forwards then let's see if you understand it after that
26:46If we get some sweets and then you eat one and I can tell which one it is by the way you're chewing
26:53For real man for real. I'm not even playing with you. Well, that's quite cool. I'm so good at that game. Yeah, let go
27:05It's in
27:08Right start chewing it
27:14Is it this
27:18Is it this
27:22Is it this
27:24It's not going to plan
27:33I only had seven goes and I got it on the eighth. Wow pleased. Yeah, if we were holding hands, I would have got it on the first one
27:40Hmm
27:47Okay, so what's going on here because that's not a known game it is me my friend play all the time and I always win
27:55Oh, play yeah
27:57Present tense only with him because you have to have a connection. Do you know why it didn't work because muppet features over there had glasses on?
28:04Oh
28:06It was why didn't you tell me to take the glasses off because I thought
28:10Who else to sweets you any of us even makes me doesn't bring them do call the police on it
28:24LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
28:31OK, one left to see, Greg. Yeah.
28:33It's Jason Mandzuka.
28:43Locked door!
28:54MUSIC PLAYS
29:01You've got 30 seconds.
29:06Whoa!
29:09LAUGHTER
29:17LAUGHTER
29:24Cool!
29:31Luke!
29:40Huh?
29:41Pretty cool, right?
29:42It was pretty cool.
29:43Yeah!
29:44I mean, what am I, Magnum P.I.?
29:46Where's that come from?
29:47My bag.
29:48LAUGHTER
29:54Undeniably impressive.
29:56I've been sidetracked, though, by when you were asked
29:59where you got the lockpicking set.
30:01Yes.
30:02You replied, from my bag.
30:03Correct.
30:04OK.
30:05Who are you?
30:06LAUGHTER
30:07Well, you might have also heard me say, who am I, Magnum P.I.?
30:10Because that is where I learned those skills.
30:13And I became obsessed with picking locks, so I bought a lockpick set.
30:16OK.
30:17And you can also buy practice locks that you can practice.
30:19OK, don't use this tone, I'm the fool, here.
30:21LAUGHTER
30:23Listen up, dummy!
30:24LAUGHTER
30:25Yes, and if you're wondering, the lockpick set is in my dressing room
30:28right now.
30:29Who do you let on this show, bruv?
30:31LAUGHTER
30:32Says fucking Guess the Sweets.
30:34LAUGHTER
30:37Well, who's only going to get one point, then?
30:40Well, Fattier.
30:41Correct.
30:42One?
30:43LAUGHTER
30:44LAUGHTER
30:45I feel like I've dissed Rosie really badly,
30:47but it's probably the least accurate.
30:49Two points for Rosie.
30:50Oh, God, everybody else is pretty good.
30:52Maybe Jason gets three?
30:54I'm going to make a rogue decision and say that,
30:56because I think that he moved the hearts of the nation
30:58with his beautiful son,
30:59I'm going to give Matthew the five points.
31:01APPLAUSE
31:02There we go.
31:03Four to three to five for Matthew.
31:05Incredible.
31:06Caring is cool.
31:09I'd like another task, please, little Alex Head.
31:11OK, yes, and roll up, roll up.
31:14No, I don't mean reefers, Greg.
31:16I mean it's time...
31:17LAUGHTER
31:18..for the greatest sporting event of all time.
31:22Well...
31:23LAUGHTER
31:24What have you been?
31:25Just been for a little hike round the forest, clearly.
31:28Mmm.
31:29Should we do it?
31:30By we, I mean me, and you just...
31:31..stand around.
31:32Win the P-Olympics.
31:33Win the P-Olympics.
31:34Win the P-Olympics.
31:36P-Olympics.
31:37P-Olympics.
31:38Well, P-E-A-L-Y.
31:39P-Olympics.
31:40Well...
31:41What have you been?
31:42Just been for a little hike round the forest, clearly.
31:45Mmm.
31:46Should we do it?
31:48By we, I mean me, and you just...
31:51..stand around.
31:54Win the P-Olympics.
31:57Win the P-Olympics.
32:00P-Olympics.
32:02Well, P-E-A-L-Y.
32:05P-E-A-L-Y.
32:07M-P-I-C-S.
32:08P-Olympics.
32:09P-Olympics.
32:10P-Olympics.
32:11There are five events.
32:12The top two performers in each event get a medal.
32:16Most medals wins.
32:19Mm-hmm.
32:20So it doesn't matter if you come first or second,
32:21as long as you come first or second.
32:23All right.
32:24Yeah?
32:25Yeah.
32:26Ready for the P-Olympics?
32:27Do I have a choice?
32:28LAUGHTER
32:29Yeah, exactly.
32:30APPLAUSE
32:35OK.
32:36Straight in.
32:37Straight in.
32:38Well, first up, it is Fatia and Mattia.
32:42Five events.
32:43This is event number one.
32:45Work out which pillow the P is under.
32:49In the fewest guesses, you have three minutes.
32:52Well, it could be any of them, couldn't it?
32:54Could be.
32:55I think it's that yellow one.
32:56Right.
32:57Chop, chop.
32:58It's not under there.
32:59The green one next to it, please.
33:00Right.
33:01No.
33:02The order of colours changes around here.
33:04Oh, that's interesting.
33:05Is that arbitrary?
33:07Either is or isn't.
33:10How many are there?
33:1226.
33:13Nice number.
33:14Whatever.
33:15I don't think that makes a difference.
33:1620 seconds to find the P.
33:21That green one over there?
33:22Er, no.
33:23Two seconds.
33:24Nice sound of the P.
33:28Well, that was a waste of time.
33:29Yep, I agree.
33:30Ready for the second event?
33:31Wow.
33:32I don't mind going back to your spot.
33:34If you don't mind, I'd like to just dwell on the regret.
33:36Yep.
33:37No, it's fine.
33:39Balance your P on the highest tower of carrots.
33:42You have three minutes.
33:43I don't have the P.
33:44Can I get you the P?
33:45Here we go.
33:46Oh, you're out of order.
33:48Are you taking my mind here?
33:49I think it counts, doesn't it?
33:5312 seconds left.
33:59Not long now.
34:00Two seconds, really.
34:02Fuck off!
34:03No!
34:05Event number two is over.
34:09It's a lovely tower.
34:11No P.
34:13Right, event number three.
34:14Okay.
34:15Catch a P fired from the P catapult.
34:18If you catch a P in one hand, your time is divided by two.
34:23If you catch a P in your mouth, your time is divided by five.
34:27Good luck, Matthew.
34:29Here they come.
34:31Literally can't see it.
34:34Couldn't see it.
34:35Quick.
34:36I can't even see it.
34:39I can't see it.
34:41Can you do more than one?
34:43Yeah.
34:48Do it again.
35:04Why couldn't you get, like, the big Bs?
35:06The haricot, or whatever they're called.
35:07Why you get these?
35:08Who's catching these?
35:09I'm not a bird.
35:11Oh, if it gets in my hijab, does that count?
35:13Yeah, that counts.
35:14I've got loads.
35:16Oh, congratulations.
35:18This is the last one.
35:19Please.
35:25Is there a P in your hand?
35:29No.
35:30That's the end of event number three.
35:33Throw a P the furthest.
35:35Towards the river, please.
35:37So, into the wind?
35:38Yeah.
35:41Throw a P that way.
35:43It must be in that direction, yeah.
35:45I know you're deranged, right?
35:46So, I know I'm gonna throw this, and then you're gonna make me go and get it.
35:52That's not good enough.
35:54A few practices.
35:58Are you gonna actually throw the...
35:59Yeah, I'm gonna throw the real one now.
36:00Ten seconds.
36:05Stare.
36:11Find your throne P the fastest.
36:13Love a maximum of three minutes.
36:15Time starts when you open the top.
36:17Be careful.
36:19Why did I do practices?
36:21There's my P, can you see it?
36:22That was my one.
36:24Did you find your P?
36:25Yeah, I did.
36:26Is that it?
36:27Yeah, that's it.
36:28You've got two minutes ten.
36:32You're gonna be finding P's, not carrots.
36:33LAUGHTER
36:38I've got the top!
36:39Yes!
36:40APPLAUSE
36:46Mackie, we've not even won full episodes into this series,
36:49and I think you might be close to the edge.
36:52LAUGHTER
36:54That is not even close to my lowest edge.
36:56I remember that fondly, if anything.
36:59Fabulous.
37:00Fatia, I'm sure you find this show an inconvenience.
37:04LAUGHTER
37:05How dare you!
37:06How dare...
37:07I call fucking five P's, brother, you mad!
37:10LAUGHTER
37:11Yes, well...
37:13So, that's the end of part three.
37:15Who will win the episode,
37:16and then have to drag home a TV trolley?
37:19Not me!
37:20And that's all that matters.
37:21APPLAUSE
37:30Welcome back to the final part of this first outing
37:33with our new competitors.
37:35Before the break, they've been taking part
37:36in our very own P-based Olympics.
37:39Oh, yes, the old P-ly-impics.
37:42Five events and just three legume legends to go.
37:45So, last up to the mark, it's Rosie, Stevie and...
37:49Jason.
37:51You may not tamper with a pillow before guessing.
37:55So, it's just guess?
37:56Maybe.
37:57I'm gonna guess this one.
37:58Nope.
37:59No.
38:00No.
38:01No.
38:02Do you know where the P is?
38:03No.
38:04No.
38:05The P's don't talk.
38:06I don't think P's can talk.
38:07I've lost my mind.
38:08No, they're vegetables.
38:10I'm just gonna guess this guy and this guy.
38:12I'm gonna guess this guy.
38:13Well, there's no way it has to be guessed.
38:15Oh, really?
38:16So, I'm just gonna do them all.
38:18Are they? Look!
38:19This guy, this guy.
38:21There it is.
38:22I like your system.
38:23Yeah, I just chose different guys to, uh, to flip over.
38:27Mmm.
38:31That one.
38:33Ah!
38:34There's two P's under there!
38:36Well, weirdly, you put a P under the right pillow.
38:39Oh, no, I...
38:40It was clever but unnecessary.
38:41Yeah, and I was tampered with it, so I've lost.
38:43Okay, cool!
38:44Jesus Christ!
38:47Good luck.
38:48Balance your P on the highest Tower of Carrots.
38:51I'm not good at building stuff, you know.
38:53Right.
38:54I wouldn't have said that a carrot was a rolly veg, but...
38:56Yeah, all right.
39:02Yeah.
39:03Ugh!
39:07Have you washed these carrots?
39:08We will.
39:09We will.
39:17I'm so proud of myself.
39:2012 seconds.
39:24That's as good as I'm gonna get, I think.
39:2710 seconds.
39:28Where's the P?
39:29This is the P?
39:30This is the P?
39:31This is the P?
39:32Two seconds.
39:34No!
39:40I mean, this is irrelevant.
39:44That's a lovely tower.
39:45Will you do any better in event number three?
39:48Catch a P fired from the P catapult.
39:51If you catch a P in your mouth, your time is divided by five.
39:54Good luck.
39:55Okay, go.
39:56Ah!
39:58What?
39:59How?
40:00Can you do one test, please?
40:01Oh!
40:15Got it.
40:16Let's see.
40:19Okay.
40:20What about if you fire it right into my face?
40:2455 seconds.
40:26Can you catch one?
40:27No!
40:28Yes!
40:31Go to P.
40:33Here we go.
40:36Let's see.
40:37Congratulations.
40:42Throw a P the furthest.
40:44Now, I'll be honest.
40:45I'm gonna tuck this in there.
40:46Nobody's ever gonna find it.
40:52P is inside.
40:56The P has been thrown.
40:58I think it got down to here.
40:59Did it?
41:00Oh!
41:01Have you found the P yet?
41:02No!
41:03Oh!
41:04Got it!
41:05I've stopped the clock.
41:06I will need to check the P's in it.
41:07Any sign of the P?
41:0820 seconds, we're throwing up.
41:09Okay.
41:10I'll try another bit.
41:11You found the P?
41:12I found the P.
41:13Come on.
41:14If I'd have got that carrot tower.
41:15It all rested on that carrot tower.
41:16Ah!
41:17Ah!
41:18Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!
41:19Ah!
41:20I've stopped the clock.
41:21I've stopped the clock.
41:22One of the P?
41:2420 seconds, we're tiring out.
41:27OK, I'll try another bit.
41:30You found the P? I found the P.
41:33Come on.
41:35If I'd have got that carrot tower...
41:39It all rested on that carrot tower.
41:41Ah!
41:44Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!
41:48I've stopped the clock!
41:52APPLAUSE
41:56Well, that's the most joyous moment so far.
42:00Unbelievably, she found a P in a field
42:03quicker than these two found carrots in a field.
42:07Well, you found loads of other carrots before your one.
42:10You took over two minutes. She found hers in a minute and a half.
42:13Now, on to the tragic story of this particular P-Limp.
42:17But there was a victory within your attempt, wasn't there?
42:20The P has made a better carrot tower than that ever.
42:23I then lost because the P rolled off.
42:24Yes.
42:25No, no, I mean, it's all for nothing.
42:27It's all right, yeah.
42:28Well, the medal ceremony will happen on the screen behind me
42:31and I can tell you that Stevie, as you can see, you did get one medal
42:33for your catch in your mouth.
42:34Matt, you also got one medal, so you come joint fourth.
42:37You get two points.
42:38Fatia, you got two golds in your tower and your find.
42:41You are third.
42:42Two people in first place.
42:43Jason, with your two golds and your silver.
42:45Rosie, you got one gold and two silvers, so you both get five points.
42:48APPLAUSE
42:49Well, yeah.
42:50Can we have a quick look at the scores?
42:54Yes.
42:55Fatia, you are in last place with nine points.
42:59Jason and Matt in the lead on 14.
43:01APPLAUSE
43:03Please make your way to the stage for the final task of the show!
43:09CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
43:16Hello there, sweet cheeks.
43:18Hi, Greg.
43:19Who will be meeting the tasks?
43:20I would like Rosie Ramsey to read it, please.
43:22Rosie.
43:23Pleasure.
43:26Get the most raisins in your wine glass.
43:29You may only touch raisins with your mouth.
43:32You must not bend at the waist.
43:34And your hands must be behind your back at all times.
43:38Also, every time you drop a raisin into your wine glass,
43:42you must shout the name of one of your competitors.
43:45That competitor must immediately shout their name too.
43:48If they don't, Alex will empty their wine glass.
43:52Oof.
43:53You have 100 seconds.
43:55Wow.
43:56So, Greg is going to be watching the waist work.
43:58Greg, if you think someone's bending, I'll come over.
44:00Oh, my God, I'll be on them like a puma.
44:02Yes.
44:04But also, I will empty their wine glass.
44:06OK, good luck, everyone.
44:07Your time starts on the whistle.
44:10Don't bend that waist.
44:12go.
44:22You must shout someone's name if you...
44:23Jason.
44:25Jason.
44:26Fantasy exploding.
44:29Oh
44:35No
44:38You must shout your own
44:59No, you must shout your own name
45:01Well, I would empty it, but there's nothing else
45:03Rosie
45:05Thank you
45:0930 seconds left
45:11Stevie
45:13Rosie
45:15Jason
45:19Matthew
45:21Jason
45:2310 seconds left
45:25Rosie
45:27Rosie
45:29Rosie
45:31Rosie
45:33Stop! Stop!
45:39Listen
45:41We'll work the scores out. We'll add them to your final scores. Please come down and join me
45:45Well, well, well, well that was insane
45:55I guess we start with Fatia. You didn't get any raisins in your glass in the end. There's a very good reason for that isn't there Fatia?
46:01Yeah
46:03Yeah, my shoes in you. I'm not getting on the floor
46:09She gets one point really which is more than the amount of raisins she got in the class
46:11So it's one to Fatia. Jason ended up with just three raisins in this class. Two points to Jason
46:17Incredibly, Stevie and Rosie both got 70 raisins in their class
46:21Oh my god
46:23So they share second place and four points each but Matthew with 315 raisins gets five points
46:27CHEERING
46:29So I'll put the episode scores
46:33In first place it's Matt with 19 points
46:35CHEERING
46:37Matthew wins
46:39Matthew wins
46:41Please stay up to the stage and snap up your school day star
46:45CHEERING
46:47AND APPLAUSE
46:49CHEERING
47:07AND APPLAUSE
47:13AND APPLAUSE