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Taskmaster Season 19 Episode 1

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Transcript
00:00This was a mistake
00:30Hello! Thank you, I'm Greg Davies. Welcome to this brand new series of Taskmaster!
00:41CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
00:44I have never felt so full of hope. The tasks are new, the contestants are new,
00:50and whilst I was enjoying my single-origin espresso this morning,
00:54they were being shaved down and put through our 12-point hygiene programme,
00:58ready for battle, so they all smell just great, for now.
01:02So let's meet the new recruits, ready to risk it all,
01:06to take home Daddy's golden head.
01:09LAUGHTER
01:10Daddy's golden head of destiny, is a sentence I forgot I wrote.
01:15LAUGHTER
01:16Please welcome...
01:18Fathya Al Goree!
01:20CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
01:21Jason Mandzuka!
01:23CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
01:24Matthew Nathan!
01:26Rosie Ramsey!
01:29CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
01:30And Stevie Martin!
01:31CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
01:33And next to me, a man who is a lifelong supporter of Liverpool Football Club
01:38and tells me that the only downside to that is meeting the other fans,
01:42who he finds to be universally stupid and physically disgusting.
01:47LAUGHTER
01:49I've designed for episode one a brand-new magic trick,
02:00and I know you love magic, Greg.
02:01I love magic.
02:02Well, you're going to love this magic trick.
02:03It's called the magic pen.
02:04It looks like an ordinary pen.
02:06Mm-hm.
02:07But I've signed it using the pen.
02:10How?
02:12LAUGHTER
02:13I'll tell you how.
02:15Magic.
02:16Magic.
02:17LAUGHTER
02:18A magic pen.
02:19How's it done?
02:21I know what you're thinking.
02:22Maybe I've used a second pen.
02:24Well, look.
02:25Here is another pen.
02:26Also signed.
02:27How?
02:28I'll tell you how.
02:29Magic.
02:30Magic.
02:31LAUGHTER
02:32Could there be another pen?
02:33Yes, but also signed.
02:35LAUGHTER
02:36Magic.
02:37Yes.
02:38Well, and I wouldn't be surprised if there's a fourth pen.
02:41LAUGHTER
02:43Magic.
02:44Yeah, I don't think you'd go to fifth, though.
02:47I did, actually, and I couldn't work out how to get it on this one.
02:49I just couldn't...
02:50Anyway, that's the magic trick.
02:52An auspicious beginning to a new season.
02:55Series, Jason.
02:56LAUGHTER
02:58I'm with him.
02:59You're a guest in this country.
03:01LAUGHTER
03:02You'll learn our ways by hook or crook, young man.
03:05LAUGHTER
03:07OK, let's have our first prize task category, please.
03:10OK, and we're starting the series with the object
03:13that reminds you of school the most in a good way.
03:16Mm.
03:17We all know Greg used to be a teacher.
03:18Mm.
03:19We also know Greg has played teachers on TV,
03:21and as the taskmaster, he's sort of like a head teacher.
03:24So, yes, Greg's got range.
03:26Five points...
03:27LAUGHTER
03:28I've not got range!
03:30I'm amazed you're in showbiz!
03:32LAUGHTER
03:34You should be at most an assistant bank manager!
03:37LAUGHTER
03:39Mm.
03:40So, five points will be gifted to the bringer of the item Greg likes best,
03:43and the winner of the episode will take home all five prizes
03:46in a great big school satchel.
03:48Peace out, man.
03:49OK, Fatio, welcome to Taskmaster.
03:51What have you brought me?
03:52So, I brought in a golf club.
03:54Here it is.
03:55That reminds her of school the most in a good way.
03:58As a kid, I used to be really naughty, and my mum had enough,
04:01so she came up the school, and she goes to the teacher,
04:04if Fertiha keeps on playing up, hit her, and then he got this thing,
04:08and he put it as if he's going to do a golf move, and then...
04:11And he would hit you with a golf club?
04:13No, he would pretend to.
04:14Are you mad?
04:15Am I mad?
04:16LAUGHTER
04:17Like, he would pretend to, so he'd, like, try to scare me
04:20into being a good girl.
04:21So, the thing that you brought in that reminds you of school
04:24in a good way is a golf club that your teacher used to
04:27threaten you with.
04:28Yeah, cos I never got hit, so that's a good thing.
04:30Ah!
04:31The glass is half full.
04:33LAUGHTER
04:34Jason, what thing did you bring in to represent the good times?
04:38Well, this, for me, was something that was ubiquitous
04:40in my high school.
04:42It is a map, but it's the kind of map that was mounted on the
04:45blackboard that you pulled down like this.
04:47Oh, sweet.
04:48Right?
04:49See, I thought you'd be like that.
04:50Here it is.
04:51Oh, yeah, nice.
04:52I mean, how satisfying is that?
04:54That's nice.
04:55If I could just imagine myself in the world...
04:58So, your childhood imagination just soared?
05:01Just wishing that I could get out and get here onto this stage.
05:05Wow.
05:06It's both heartwarming and tragic.
05:08LAUGHTER
05:09Who's next?
05:10Oh, I've got some...
05:11I've got some facts about America, if you want.
05:12No, thanks.
05:13LAUGHTER
05:15I have brought the TV trolley.
05:19Oh, yes.
05:20Another blinding move.
05:23Just one, yeah.
05:24Just a sweet nostalgia.
05:25When this bad boy came out, you knew you were in for 45 minutes
05:29of watching a probably late 70s, early 80s old episode
05:34of Equinox.
05:36Yeah.
05:37Science documentary.
05:39And you would ignore the educational content
05:41and you would just be sort of laughing at the fashion.
05:44Well, having been a teacher, I can give you a bit of a glance
05:47behind the magician's curtain here.
05:49Because normally you would see the film or the documentary on a Friday,
05:52and the reason for that is the teachers all went to the pub.
05:55And...
05:56I'm proud to tell you, I did a five-pint lunch.
05:59LAUGHTER
06:01Every Friday?
06:04And it was Guinness too, so I was.
06:06What was that?
06:07Heavy.
06:08LAUGHTER
06:09Thank you, I like your trolley.
06:11I mean, I've got to say, the golf club's looking less and less appealing.
06:14LAUGHTER
06:15Rosie, welcome.
06:19What have you brought in?
06:20I brought me school dinner.
06:21Oh!
06:22LAUGHTER
06:23So that's chicken with gravy.
06:25Is it?
06:26The TV should not stand up.
06:28LAUGHTER
06:29What's all the way to the left next to the brown turd?
06:32LAUGHTER
06:33Oh, that's stuffing.
06:34The dessert is on the same thing as the main.
06:36Yeah.
06:37So if you could go in your...
06:38That's all right.
06:39OK.
06:40It all goes in the same stomach.
06:41Bold.
06:42This is good.
06:43Stevie, school, good times?
06:45No.
06:46But I found, like, a sort of cultural cachet in my school,
06:50which involves the prize task.
06:52Right, cultural cachet.
06:53Yes.
06:54Is it, hold it down to get the E acute?
06:56LAUGHTER
06:58Stay with me.
07:00LAUGHTER
07:01Yeah, OK.
07:02Erm...
07:03It is.
07:04LAUGHTER
07:06LAUGHTER
07:08Erm, so, scented gel pens.
07:11So what people would do is draw their name for the person
07:15they were going out with.
07:16Mm.
07:17And then everyone would just walk around smelling the back
07:18of their hand all day.
07:19Yeah.
07:20But the cultural cachet was that my name begins with S,
07:23so I could do the Superman S thing, which was...
07:26Do you know the Superman S thing?
07:27Yeah.
07:28Yes, of course.
07:29OK.
07:30You said that you were in your 70s or something.
07:32I don't know.
07:33They had Superman, didn't they?
07:34Yeah, they did.
07:35LAUGHTER
07:36I'm not Victorian.
07:38Sorry.
07:39Sorry, yes, yes.
07:40Five objects there, Greg.
07:42What reminds you of school in the least good way?
07:44Well, obviously, being hit with a golf club.
07:47One point to Fatty.
07:48Well done, we're off the mark.
07:49I guess I have to judge it on the things that made me go,
07:51ah, the most, so I have to give Stevie two points,
07:53because gel pens are a little bit new for me.
07:55Two to Stevie.
07:56Three to the school dinner.
07:58OK.
07:59Oh, for no other reason than we need to move on.
08:01OK.
08:02LAUGHTER
08:03I love the VHS trolley,
08:05but it also slightly reminds me of my own teaching days.
08:08I love the romance of the map.
08:10So, five points to Jason.
08:11There we go.
08:12Well done, Jason Matthews, five points.
08:13APPLAUSE
08:14Right, let's get going.
08:18OK.
08:19Well, hands down and heads up
08:21as we kick off proceedings in the lab.
08:23Hello, hello, hello.
08:38Fancy seeing you here.
08:42Jason.
08:43Alex.
08:47Hi.
08:48Excellent entrance.
08:52LAUGHTER
08:56Is this the lab?
08:59Wait, am I in the wrong room?
09:01It's the lab, isn't it?
09:06I'm going to read this.
09:07Not wasting any time.
09:08Right.
09:10Hello.
09:11Stevie?
09:12Yes.
09:13Did you get lost?
09:14I went to the wrong room.
09:15Let's go.
09:16Put your hands on the hands.
09:20Shut your eyes and keep them shut
09:22until you hear the whistle.
09:24Time to start now.
09:25Put your hands on the hands.
09:26Yes, please.
09:27Oh, I'm scared.
09:29OK.
09:34Are they shot?
09:35Yeah, they shot.
09:36Marvellous.
09:37OK.
09:38What?
09:40Oi, don't make me look silly, innit?
09:42I wouldn't dream of it.
09:44Wow.
09:46Can I open my eyes now?
09:50Yes, if you've heard the whistle.
09:55Ah!
09:58What?
09:59What is it?
10:01Yeah.
10:02That's what I thought.
10:03Two jars of piss.
10:05You've got to be glasses on again if you want.
10:08Son of a bitch.
10:10OK, you can read the next part of the task now.
10:11Are you taking a mick?
10:12How am I going to do that?
10:17Oh, I hate this.
10:18Pour all the vinegar into the fish tank.
10:22Fastest wins.
10:23For every millimetre spilled.
10:25One second will be added to your time.
10:27Your time starts when you heard the whistle.
10:29OK.
10:30Alex, where's the fish tank?
10:31Let me guess.
10:32It's underneath me?
10:35Is that a fish tank?
10:36Is this a fish tank?
10:37LAUGHTER
10:38APPLAUSE
10:43Good.
10:44Fatia said,
10:45Oi, don't make me look stupid, innit?
10:48And all I've written is,
10:49You have come to the wrong show, my friend.
10:51LAUGHTER
10:54She was furious from the moment we said,
10:56Shut your eyes.
10:57Oh, for goodness.
10:58Yeah.
10:59That's how I am, honestly.
11:00Once I went to the shop and they ran out of the chocolate I wanted
11:02and I called the police.
11:05You reported him because he hadn't kept up to speed
11:07with his chocolate supply?
11:08Yeah.
11:09Wow.
11:11Well, we begin with Fatia and Jason.
11:15And Matt.
11:17And Stevie.
11:18And that's it.
11:20Sorry, Rosie.
11:21Here we go.
11:26Laughing doesn't help.
11:29Oh, I can't...
11:33What happens if it's smashed?
11:39Oh.
11:40It's going to take some time.
11:42And I haven't thought through what happens when I get to the edge.
11:45Oh, your fingers bend the wrong way.
11:48Which way up are they?
11:51That's amazing.
11:52Don't stop.
11:54Don't start now.
11:56My assumption is I can...
11:57Whoa.
11:58Now what?
12:03Come on, you.
12:06Why are you laughing, bro?
12:08I'm sorry.
12:21Bye.
12:23Now we're cooking.
12:27Perfect.
12:30See you in a minute.
12:31We're going to follow you.
12:32Of course you're going to follow me.
12:34It's all science-y in here.
12:37This season's theme, science.
12:39Oh, God.
12:46It's probably in the shed.
12:47Fish tank, fish tank, fish tank.
12:49Pouring a vinegar in the fish tank.
12:51If I don't find it soon, I'm going to drink it.
12:53Okay.
12:54I'm either going to hate you or I'm going to hate myself.
12:56Okay.
12:57Well, I hope it's you in a way.
12:58This is a tank.
13:00No, it's not a tank.
13:01Well, that's a...
13:02It's a submarine.
13:03Hmm.
13:04All right.
13:05Have I lost my mind?
13:10Oh, you're taking the piss, bruv.
13:13What's this?
13:14What's it look like?
13:15You fucking assholes.
13:19Wait.
13:20Oh!
13:21Fish tank!
13:28Oh, fuck.
13:29I just spilled some.
13:33This is probably everywhere.
13:36Ooh!
13:37Okay.
13:38Okay.
13:39I don't like that.
13:41Son of a bitch.
13:48Oh!
13:49This is good.
13:50Okay.
13:51All the vinegar is in the fish tank?
13:52Yeah, there is.
13:53Oh, 12 o'clock.
13:54Done.
13:55Whoo!
13:56That was exciting.
13:57Yeah, for you.
13:58You're not the one that smells like a chip shop now, innit?
14:00Have I gone past it and just not seen it?
14:03I genuinely don't know.
14:04I can't imagine so.
14:05You genuinely don't know.
14:07Bullshit.
14:09He's doing laps now.
14:14I'm going back in here.
14:15Fuck off!
14:16Hey Matthew.
14:17Did you find the fish tank?
14:18Yeah.
14:19Down the fish tank.
14:20Do you remember I said I'd either hate myself or you?
14:21Yeah.
14:22It's you.
14:23It seems that we have a very angry cohort already this year.
14:51When you were just running round the garden?
14:53Looking for a fish type of thing.
14:56And then when you did find it, you were very angry?
14:59Yes.
15:00Were you angry at the pun?
15:02Yeah.
15:04I think that's what we all got.
15:06Fairly angry.
15:08I mean, it was irritating.
15:10So irritating.
15:11Stevie, I was quite fascinated by you suddenly shouting
15:14that if you didn't find the taxi,
15:16you were going to drink the liquid.
15:18Well, what she is in the early part, you'd identified it as pierced.
15:22It's quite dehydrating, the process.
15:24And also, as well, I just completely ignored the two jar lids.
15:29It messes with your brain, doesn't it?
15:31You learn this is the stuff that he loves.
15:33He sits at home when going...
15:39I can tell you that, so far,
15:41the person who's doing the best in the task is Stevie.
15:43You did 7 minutes 42 and you didn't spill anything.
15:45Matt didn't spill anything either.
15:47You did 12 minutes 3 seconds, looked worse than that,
15:49but because of the lack of spillage, you were fine.
15:51Jason, you were much quicker, but your millilitres,
15:53or spill-a-litres, you could call them spill-a-litres...
15:55LAUGHTER
15:57Let's not do that.
15:58Tipped you over to 17 minutes 29.
16:00I'm so sorry.
16:01Because I was penalised for spilling.
16:02Penalised and fatty, are you worse?
16:04Yeah, yeah.
16:05And fatty at 10 minutes 12.
16:07But we're not going to find out how Rosie's done until after the break.
16:09Oh!
16:10Ooh, that builds the tension.
16:11It must be really shit.
16:13LAUGHTER
16:15Go on then, off you pop.
16:17I said it's break time, go!
16:19LAUGHTER
16:20APPLAUSE
16:29Hey!
16:30Welcome back to Taskmaster.
16:32Our first task is underway,
16:33and the new contestants have been trying to pour
16:35all of their vinegar into a fish tank.
16:37A fish tank which turned out to be a tank driven by a fish.
16:41It's clever, it's funny, and it winds Greg up.
16:44Tick, tick, tick.
16:45For every millilitre spilt,
16:47one second will be added to their time.
16:49Rosie has watched all of her rivals' attempts,
16:51and now she has to watch herself back,
16:53knowing what's happened before her.
16:55So, good luck, Rosie.
17:04Mmm.
17:05Well done.
17:06Can I go in here?
17:08OK.
17:09Fish tank.
17:14How's it going, Rosie?
17:15Erm, it's...
17:16No, I haven't found anything yet.
17:18This is a bath.
17:21That's a good...
17:22That's not a fish tank.
17:23I don't think...
17:24I've not seen a fish tank anywhere.
17:29No.
17:30I'm just looking for a fish tank.
17:32Anything could be a fish tank, really, couldn't it?
17:34OK.
17:35LAUGHTER
17:41Is that a fish tank or a jar?
17:43It's a jar, isn't it?
17:49Do you want me to stop the clock, Rosie?
17:50Yeah, let's stop the clock.
17:51OK, bye.
17:52OK, bye.
17:53Watch them first.
17:54APPLAUSE
17:55I mean, should I disqualify you or not?
18:00No.
18:02What?
18:04It's not a fish tank.
18:05Do you want to tell you the definition of a fish tank?
18:07I do want you to tell me.
18:08Well, it's a tank driven by a fish...
18:10LAUGHTER
18:12..or a transparent container of water in which live fish
18:15and other water creatures and plants are kept.
18:17I thought outside the box.
18:19You did think outside the box.
18:20I did think outside the box.
18:21Shall I tell you the times and you can decide what to do?
18:23Stevie was the quickest, was 7.42.
18:25Then Fatia, 10 minutes.
18:27Matt, 12 minutes.
18:28Rosie was 15 and a half minutes.
18:30OK.
18:31Didn't spill a drop.
18:32Jason, because of his spillage, was 17 minutes 29.
18:35If it had been a normal fish tank, then I would be penalising Rosie,
18:38but because it was a stupid play on words,
18:40I'm going to allow her fish tank.
18:42CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
18:44Well done.
18:45Yes.
18:46OK.
18:47So you're saying that Jason comes last.
18:49One point.
18:50Two points to Rosie.
18:51Three to Matt.
18:52Four to Fatia.
18:53But Stevie gets the full five points.
18:54Very nice.
18:55CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
18:58Let's have our first scoreboard, please.
19:01Joint leaders with seven points are Matt and Stevie.
19:04Lovely.
19:05APPLAUSE
19:06What's next, my cylindrical little piglet?
19:11Oh.
19:12LAUGHTER
19:13Don't mind that.
19:14Backwards and forwards thing cool are doing involves task.
19:17Next, this, Greg.
19:18Well...
19:19Oh, God.
19:20You look very cool.
19:34I know.
19:36You look nice.
19:38I look...
19:39Cool.
19:41Cool guy.
19:45If you could use one word to describe me, what would it be?
19:48Ridiculous.
19:49Oh.
19:50LAUGHTER
19:51That's not what I was hoping for.
19:53Do something really cool.
19:55You have a maximum of ten minutes.
19:58Your time starts now.
20:03Is there a bed?
20:04Cool's sort of not caring.
20:07Yeah, I don't care.
20:08Or is it actually cool to be passionate?
20:12Now, super quick question.
20:14Can I get on the roof?
20:15I would say you definitely can't do that.
20:17LAUGHTER
20:18Really?
20:19I can't go out into traffic.
20:21No.
20:22Can't get on the roof.
20:23Can't go on the road.
20:25You know what?
20:26Comedy thrives on yes and, not no but.
20:30It wasn't even no but.
20:31It wasn't even no but.
20:32It was, you definitely can't.
20:33Oh, that's anti-cool.
20:34Cool.
20:35Oh, OK.
20:36What cool things can you do?
20:38Let's think of cool things I can't do.
20:41Right.
20:42And then we try to find something that I can do.
20:44What's cool?
20:45What is cool?
20:46Lemonade.
20:48Yeah, lemonade is cool.
20:50What do you do that's cool?
20:52Sometimes spit.
20:53LAUGHTER
20:56What?
20:57Yuck.
20:58I'm going to go and get a guitar.
21:00It's time, Horne.
21:07Yeah?
21:08Happy with that?
21:09Yeah, see you later, mate.
21:10Move.
21:11Oh, actually, we're not sitting down.
21:12I'm so sorry.
21:13It's actually rude rather than cool.
21:15I know.
21:16Sorry, sorry, sorry.
21:17There is one more thing.
21:21Great.
21:22Do your cool thing backwards.
21:24The cool thing backwards played backwards
21:26that looks most like the forwards cool thing
21:29played forwards wins.
21:32Oh.
21:35You're 15 minutes.
21:36Your time starts now.
21:38APPLAUSE
21:44Well, I think I speak for all of us when I say
21:46I'm looking forward to Matthew playing a song backwards.
21:49LAUGHTER
21:51Well, we're going to start with Martin Stevie doing something cool backwards.
21:56It's time, Horne.
21:58BUZZER
22:00BUZZER
22:01BUZZER
22:02BUZZER
22:03BUZZER
22:04BUZZER
22:05BUZZER
22:18So that was the footage reversed, obviously.
22:20Oh, was it?
22:21Yes.
22:22Oh.
22:23Stevie, I'm not one for platitudes.
22:24It might be the single coolest thing I've ever seen.
22:26BUZZER
22:27BUZZER
22:28I enjoyed the addition of the little man popping out of the bin.
22:30LAUGHTER
22:32I've got no notes.
22:34Fine.
22:35It will go downhill, right?
22:37Well, there's Matt playing guitar next.
22:38Here we go.
22:39LAUGHTER
22:41I'm Matthew Bainson, and this is Cool.
22:45MUSIC
22:46MUSIC
22:47MUSIC
22:48Don't let the bad kids get you down
22:51Turn that big frown upside down
22:54You'd be a fool
22:56If you thought that not caring was cool
23:00Yeah, Matthew Bainson
23:06And this is...
23:08Bül.
23:09...
23:11Tbye
23:12...
23:14...
23:15...
23:18...
23:19...
23:21...
23:22...
23:23...
23:27You
23:28...
23:30...
23:31You
23:32...
23:34You
23:35thought
23:36...
23:37...
23:38I mean, I thought you were this generation's Morrissey before I
23:56Saw it reversed quite Eurovision in the sort of 70s Eurovision. It straddles the genres. It does
24:02I mean if this is the last thing you achieve in your life. You've done well
24:08I think it's powerful. Thank you. Can I get a rewind? You can because it's time for Rosie Ramsey
24:14Can you give me a sick sick beat? Okay
24:38I'm sorry
24:40I'm sorry
24:42I'm sorry
24:44I've got kids.
25:08I felt like we were watching CCTV
25:12from a secure unit.
25:17Really, really bad.
25:22And now, as I always say, partway through Alex and my playful wrestling sessions,
25:26it's time for a break.
25:38Hello.
25:39Welcome back to the third part of the show,
25:41where our cool new contestants have to be cool
25:43and then do that cool thing backwards.
25:45Oh, yeah, this guy knows his shiz.
25:47Next up, good luck guessing what's happening here, Greg.
25:50It's Fatia's attempt.
25:52So, he's a sinner.
25:55Yeah, I'm sissy.
25:57Wish me out of the end of the second one.
26:01I'm sick.
26:02Okay.
26:03I'm gonna lie.
26:04I'm gonna lie.
26:05I'm gonna lie.
26:06I'm gonna lie.
26:09I'm gonna lie.
26:11I'm looking for help.
26:31The fuck's going off?
26:35Do you want to see it going forward? Well, I need to because at the moment I just feel angry
26:42Okay, well, this is a cool thing she did forwards then let's see if you understand it after that
26:46If we get some sweets and then you eat one and I can tell which one it is by the way you're chewing
26:53For real man for real. I'm not even playing with you. Well, that's quite cool. I'm so good at that game. Yeah, let go
27:05It's in
27:08Right start chewing it
27:14Is it this
27:18Is it this
27:22Is it this
27:34Seven goes and I got it on that eight well pleased yeah, if we were holding hands. I would have got it on the first one
27:47Okay, what's going on here because that's not a known game it is me my friend play all the time and I always win
27:55Oh play yeah, what present tense only with him because you have to have a connection
28:00Do you know why it didn't work because muppet features over there had glasses on?
28:07Why didn't you tell me to take the glasses off because I?
28:10I thought
28:20Any of us he doesn't bring them. Do you call the police on it?
28:32Yeah, it's Jason manzooka
28:34Oh
28:48Locked door lockpick set
28:51That's 30 seconds
29:09wow
29:11wow
29:13wow
29:15wow
29:17wow
29:18wow
29:18wow
29:20It was pretty cool yeah, I mean what am I magnum P.I. where's that come from my bag
29:50Thank you
29:56I've been sidetracked though, but when you were asked where you got the lockpicking set, yes, you replied from my bag, correct, okay
30:05Who are you?
30:07Well, you might have also heard me say who am I magnum P.I.?
30:10Because that is where I learned those skills, so I became obsessed with picking locks so you went so I bought a lockpick set
30:16Okay, you can also buy practice locks
30:18Okay, you can practice don't use this tone. I'm the fool here
30:25Yes, and if you're wondering the lockpick set is in my dressing room right now on this show, bruv
30:32Fucking guess the sweet
30:37Well, I'm sorry gonna get one point then well first you're correct
30:41What?
30:45I feel like I've dissed Rosie really badly, but it's probably the least accurate
30:48Two points for Rosie
30:49Oh god, everybody else was pretty good
30:51Come on
30:52Maybe Jason gets three
30:53I'm gonna make a rogue decision and say that because I think that he moved the hearts of the nation with his beautiful son
30:59Matthew the five points for me
31:01Matthew the five points for me
31:02There we go
31:03Four to three to five to Matthew
31:04Incredible
31:05Taring the story
31:06I'd like another task please, little Alex Herr
31:08Okay, yes, and roll up, roll up
31:09No, I don't mean reefers, Greg
31:10I mean it's time for the greatest sporting event of all time
31:16I mean it's time for the greatest sporting event of all time
31:41What have you been?
31:42Just been for a little hike around the forest, clearly
31:45Hmm
31:47Should we do it?
31:49By we I mean me and you just stand around
31:56Win the P-Olympics
31:58Win the P-Olympics
32:01P-Olympics
32:03Well P-E-A-L-Y
32:05P-E-L-Y
32:07M-P-I-C-S
32:09P-Olympics
32:10P-Olympics
32:11There are five events
32:12The top two performers in each event get a medal
32:16Most medals wins
32:19Mm-hmm, so it doesn't matter if you come first or second
32:21As long as you come first or second
32:22All right
32:23Yeah?
32:24Yeah?
32:25Ready for the P-Olympics?
32:26Do I have a choice?
32:27Do I have a choice?
32:28No?
32:29Yeah, exactly
32:31Yeah
32:36Okay, straight in
32:37Straight in
32:38Well first up it is Fatia and Mattia
32:42Five events
32:43This is event number one
32:45Work out which pillow the P is under
32:49In the fewest guesses you have three minutes
32:52Well it could be any of them couldn't it?
32:54Could be
32:55I think it's that yellow one
32:56Right
32:57Chop chop
32:58Not under there
32:59The green one next to it please
33:00Right
33:01No
33:02The order of colours changes around here
33:04Oh that's interesting
33:06Is that arbitrary?
33:07Either is or isn't
33:08How many are there?
33:1126
33:12That's a nice number
33:13Whatever, I don't feel like it makes a difference
33:1620 seconds to find the P
33:20That green one over there?
33:22Er, no
33:23Two seconds
33:27Nice sign of the P
33:28Well that was a waste of time
33:29Yep, I agree
33:30Ready for the second event?
33:31Wow
33:32I don't mind going back to your spot
33:34If you don't mind I'd like to just dwell on the regret
33:36Yep
33:37No it's fine
33:39Balance your P on the highest tower of carrots
33:42You have three minutes
33:43I don't have the P
33:44Can I get you the P?
33:45Here we go
33:46Oh you're out of order
33:48I'm taking a reminder
33:49I think it counts doesn't it?
33:5312 seconds left
33:59Not long now, two seconds really
34:02Fuck off
34:03No!
34:05Event number two is over
34:09It's a lovely tower
34:11No P
34:13Right, event number three
34:14Okay
34:15Catch a P fired from the P catapult
34:18If you catch a P in one hand your time is divided by two
34:23If you catch a P in your mouth your time is divided by five
34:27Good luck Matthew
34:29Here they come
34:31Literally can't see it
34:34Couldn't see it
34:35Quick
34:36I can't even see it
34:39I can't see it
34:43Can you do more than one?
34:44Yeah
34:48Do it again
34:49Why couldn't you get like the big bees? Harakot or whatever they're called? Why you get these? Who's catching these? I'm not a bird
35:10If it gets in my hijab does that count?
35:13Yeah that counts
35:14I've got loads
35:16Congratulations
35:18This is the last one
35:19Please
35:25Is there a P in your hand?
35:26No
35:29That's the end of event number three
35:32Throw a P the furthest
35:35Towards the river please
35:37So into the wind?
35:38Yep
35:41Throw a P that way
35:42That must be in that direction, yeah
35:45I know you're deranged, right?
35:46So I know I'm gonna throw this and then you're gonna make me go and get it
35:48That's not coming up
35:53A few practices
35:57Are you gonna actually throw the
35:58Yeah I'm gonna throw the real one now
35:5910 seconds
36:05Stay out
36:06You're gonna be finding peas, not carrots
36:11Find your throne P the fastest
36:14You have a maximum of three minutes
36:16Time stops
36:17See when you open the tarp
36:18Be careful
36:19Why did I do practices?
36:21There's my P, can you see it?
36:22That was my one
36:24Did you find your P?
36:25Yeah I did
36:26Is that it?
36:27Yeah that's it
36:28You've got 2 minutes 10
36:32You're gonna be finding peas not carrots
36:36I've got the top
36:39Yeah!
36:40CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
36:46Mackie, we've not even won full episodes into this series
36:49And I think you might be close to the edge
36:53That is not even close to my lowest edge
36:55I remember that fondly if anything
36:59Fabulous
37:01Fatia, I'm sure you find this show an inconvenience
37:03LAUGHTER
37:05How dare you?
37:06How dare...
37:07I call fucking five Ps, brother
37:08Are you mad?
37:10LAUGHTER
37:11Yes, brother
37:13So that's the end of part three
37:14Who will win the episode
37:16And then have to drag home a TV trolley?
37:18Not me
37:19And that's all that matters
37:20CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
37:21Welcome back to the final part of this first outing with our new competitors
37:34Before the break, they've been taking part in our very own pea-based Olympics
37:38Oh yes, the old Peely-impics
37:42Five events and just three legume legends to go
37:44So, last up to the mark, it's Rosie, Stevie and Chase
37:50Work out which pillow the pea is under
37:52You may not tamper with a pillow before guessing
37:55So it's just guess?
37:56Maybe
37:57I'm going to guess this one
37:58No
37:59No
38:00No
38:01No
38:02Do you know where the pea is?
38:03No
38:04No
38:05The peas don't talk
38:06I don't think peas can talk
38:07I've lost my mind
38:08No, they're vegetables
38:09I'm just going to guess this guy
38:11And this guy
38:12I'm going to guess this guy
38:13There's no way it has to be guessed
38:15Oh really?
38:16I'm just going to do them all
38:18Are they?
38:19Look
38:20This guy, this guy
38:21There it is
38:22I like your system
38:23Yeah, I just chose different guys to, uh, to flip over
38:27Mmm
38:32That one
38:33Ah!
38:34There's two peas under there
38:36Weirdly, you put a pea under the right pillow
38:38Oh no
38:40It was clever but unnecessary
38:41Yeah, and I was a tampered with it
38:42So I've lost
38:43Okay, cool
38:44Jesus Christ
38:47What?
38:48Balance your pea on the highest tower of carrots
38:51I'm not good at building stuff, you know
38:53Right
38:54I wouldn't have said that a carrot is a rolly veg
38:56But, yeah, alright
39:03Yeah
39:04Ugh
39:07Have you washed these carrots?
39:08We will
39:18I'm so proud of myself
39:21Twelve seconds
39:24That's as good as I'm going to get, I think
39:27Ten seconds
39:28Where's the pea?
39:32This is the pea?
39:33This is the pea? This is the pea?
39:34Two seconds
39:35No!
39:41I mean, this is irrelevant
39:44That's a lovely tower
39:45Now
39:46Will you do any better in event number three?
39:50Catch a pea fired from the pea catapult
39:52If you catch a pea in your mouth, your time is divided by five
39:55Good luck
39:56Okay, go
39:57Ah!
39:59What?
40:00How?
40:01Can you do one test, please?
40:06Ooh
40:07Got it
40:08Let's see
40:09Ah!
40:10Okay
40:11What about if you fire it right into my face?
40:1455 seconds
40:15Can you catch one?
40:16No!
40:17Yes!
40:18Go to pea!
40:19Here we go
40:20What about if you fire it right into my face?
40:2455 seconds
40:27Can you catch one?
40:28No!
40:31Yes!
40:32Go to pea!
40:33Here we go
40:36Let's see
40:37Congratulations
40:42Draw a pea the furthest
40:44Now, I'll be honest
40:45I'm going to tuck this in there
40:46Nobody's ever going to find it
40:50Pee is inside
40:56The pea has been thrown
41:05I think it got down to here
41:07Did it?
41:11Have you found the pea yet?
41:12No!
41:13Oh!
41:16Got it
41:17I've stopped the clock
41:18I will need to check the peas in it
41:21Any sign of the pea?
41:2520 seconds
41:26We're hurrying up
41:27Okay
41:28I'll try another bit
41:30You found the pea?
41:31I found the pea
41:33Come on
41:35If I'd have got that carrot tower
41:39It all rested on that carrot tower
41:41I had lots of done in that
41:42I had lots of done in that
41:43I had lots of done in that
41:44I had lots of done in that
41:45You took over two minutes
41:46She found hers in a minute and a half
41:47Wow
41:48Now, on to the tragic story of this particular pea limb
41:51But there was a victory within your attempt, wasn't there?
41:53I mean, no one's made a better carrot than that
41:54I had lots of done in that
41:55Well, that's the most joyous moment so far
42:00Unbelievably, she found a pea in a field quicker than these two found carrots in a field
42:06I had lots of done in that
42:08Well, you found loads of other carrots before your one
42:09I had lots of done in that
42:10You took over two minutes
42:11She found hers in a minute and a half
42:12Wow
42:13Now, on to the tragic story of this particular pea limb
42:17But there was a victory within your attempt, wasn't there?
42:19I mean, no one's made a better carrot tower than that ever
42:22Thank you
42:23I then lost because the pea rolled off
42:24Yes
42:25No, no, I mean, it's all for nothing
42:27Sorry, yeah
42:29Well, the medal ceremony will happen on the screen behind me
42:31And I can tell you that
42:32Stevie, as you can see, you did get one medal for your catch in your mouth
42:34Matt, you also got one medal
42:36So you come joint fourth, you get two points
42:38Fatia, you got two golds in your tower and your find
42:41You are third
42:42Two people in first place
42:43Jason, with your two golds and your silver
42:45Rosie, you got one gold and two silvers
42:47So you both get five points
42:49APPLAUSE
42:54Yes
42:55Fatia, you are in last place with nine points
42:59Jason and Matt in the lead on 14
43:02APPLAUSE
43:05Please make your way to the stage for the final task of the show!
43:08CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
43:10CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
43:16Hello there, sweet cheeks
43:18Hi, Greg
43:19Who will be reading the task?
43:20I would like Rosie Ramsey to read it, please
43:22Rosie
43:23Pleasure
43:24Get the most raisins in your wine glass
43:28You may only touch raisins with your mouth
43:32You must not bend at the waist
43:34And your hands must be behind your back at all times
43:38Also, every time you drop a raisin into your wine glass
43:42You must shout the name of one of your competitors
43:45That competitor must immediately shout their name too
43:48If they don't, Alex will empty their wine glass
43:52Oof
43:53You have 100 seconds
43:54Wow
43:55So, Greg is going to be watching the waist work
43:58Greg, if you think someone's bending, I'll come over
44:00Oh my God, I'll be on them like a puma
44:02Yes
44:03LAUGHTER
44:04But also I will empty their wine glass
44:05OK, good luck everyone, your time starts on the whistle
44:08Don't bend at the waist
44:16Ha, ha, ha
44:18You must shout someone's name if you...
44:20Jason!
44:21CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
44:23Jason!
44:25CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
44:33Rosie shucks
44:34Deanie?
44:35Rosie!
44:36No, no
44:37Matthew! Matthew!
44:39You must shout your own name.
44:41Oh, fuck!
44:42Rosie!
44:43Rosie!
44:44Rosie!
44:47Rosie!
44:49Rosie!
44:51Rosie, you've got to shout your own name.
44:53She did shout that.
44:55Mason!
44:56Bhatia!
44:58Bhatia!
45:00Bhatia!
45:02Well, I would empty it, but there's nothing in mind.
45:04Rosie!
45:05Matthew!
45:07Yes!
45:0930 seconds left.
45:11Stevie!
45:12Stevie!
45:13Rosie!
45:14Rosie!
45:15Jason!
45:16Jason!
45:18Matthew!
45:20Jason!
45:21Bhatia!
45:22Bhatia!
45:23Bhatia!
45:24Bhatia!
45:25Rosie!
45:26Rosie!
45:28Rosie!
45:30Rosie!
45:31Rosie!
45:32Stop!
45:33Stop!
45:34Listen!
45:35We'll work the scores out.
45:36We'll add them to your final scores.
45:37Please come down and join me!
45:40APPLAUSE
45:41APPLAUSE
45:42Well, well, well, that was...
45:43...insane!
45:44I guess we start with Bhatia.
45:45You didn't get any raisins in your glass in the end.
45:46And there's a very good reason for that, isn't it, Bhatia?
45:47Yeah.
45:48My shoes in you, I'm not getting on the floor, right?
45:49LAUGHTER
45:50She gets one point, really, which is more than the amount of raisins she got in the
45:53glass.
45:54So, it's one to Bhatia.
45:55So, it's one to Bhatia.
45:56Jason ended up with just three raisins in this glass.
45:57Two points to Jason.
45:58Incredibly, Stevie and Rosie both got 70 raisins in their glass.
45:59Oh, my God!
46:00Oh, my God!
46:01So, they share second place and four points each, but Matthew, with 315 raisins, gets
46:02five points!
46:03CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
46:04Oh, my God!
46:05Oh, my God!
46:06So, they share second place and four points each, but Matthew, with 315 raisins, gets
46:07five points!
46:08CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
46:09So, I'll put the episode scores.
46:10In first place, it's Matt with 19 points!
46:11CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
46:12CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
46:13So, it's one to Bhatia.
46:14Jason ended up with just three raisins in this glass.
46:16Two points to Jason.
46:17Incredibly, Stevie and Rosie both got 70 raisins in their glass.
46:21Oh, my God!
46:22So, they share second place and four points each, but Matthew, with 315 raisins, gets
46:26five points!
46:27CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
46:30So, I'll put the episode scores.
46:34In first place, it's Matt with 19 points!
46:36CHEERING AND APPLAUSE