The Lucy Show-S6E6: Lucy Gets Jack Benny's Account
30min | Comedy | TV Series (1962–1968)
Lucy tries to convince Jack Benny to take his money from his underground vault and deposit it in Mr. Mooney's bank. She plans to do so by designing even more elaborate precautions than Benny's own booby-trapped passages.
Creators: Bob Carroll Jr., Madelyn Davis, Bob Schiller
Stars: Lucille Ball, Gale Gordon, Vivian Vance
30min | Comedy | TV Series (1962–1968)
Lucy tries to convince Jack Benny to take his money from his underground vault and deposit it in Mr. Mooney's bank. She plans to do so by designing even more elaborate precautions than Benny's own booby-trapped passages.
Creators: Bob Carroll Jr., Madelyn Davis, Bob Schiller
Stars: Lucille Ball, Gale Gordon, Vivian Vance
Category
😹
FunTranscript
00:00The Lucy Show Starring Lucille Ball
00:16Co-Starring Gail Gordon
00:47I think I've got it.
00:49All right.
00:50How's this for a bank slogan?
00:52If you want to feather your nest, save with us, we'll do the rest.
00:56What do you think of that?
00:58I think it just misses.
01:00No, no.
01:02Well, we've got to get something short, something snappy, something attractive that people will listen to.
01:07That's right.
01:08Let's see now.
01:10I've got it.
01:12You can bank on us.
01:15What's the rest of it?
01:20Well, that's it.
01:21Short, concise, and to the point.
01:23You can bank on us.
01:25Oh, I like that.
01:28Put that down.
01:30I've got it down.
01:31Do you think Mr. Cheever will like it?
01:33I don't care whether Mr. Cheever likes it or not.
01:36It's a good slogan.
01:38If Mr. Cheever doesn't like it, he's a fool.
01:40Believe me, a fool.
01:41Who, me?
01:42Oh, hello, Mr. Fool.
01:43Come, Mr. Cheever.
01:45Jody, I hope that you've come up with a suitable slogan.
01:48Oh, yes, sir, I have.
01:49Yes, sir.
01:50Mrs. Carmichael, read it back.
01:51I hope it's a good one.
01:53Three of the other vice presidents came up with the same corny slogan.
01:57Oh, what was that, sir?
01:58You can bank on us.
02:02Imagine coming up with a slogan like that.
02:04You can bank on us.
02:06Yeah, well, it is rather unimaginative, sir.
02:10It's worse than that.
02:12It's positively idiotic.
02:15Now, Mooney, what is your slogan?
02:17Oh, well, um, I...
02:20Read it to me, Mrs. Carmichael.
02:21Uh, well, let's see here.
02:24Oh, she takes so long to read her shorthand.
02:28Well, come on, Mooney.
02:30It's your slogan.
02:31Can't you remember it?
02:32Oh, yes, yes, sir.
02:34I can...
02:35No, no, it's coming back to me now.
02:38We must be a good bank.
02:41Your baker puts his dough here.
02:47Your baker puts his dough here.
02:51Well, that isn't all of it, sir.
02:54The entire slogan goes,
02:56Your baker puts his dough here
02:59so he has it when he needs it.
03:06Don't you get it, sir?
03:08Your... dough... needs...
03:12You've got to be kidding.
03:16May I say something, sir?
03:18No.
03:19Yes.
03:20Certainly.
03:23Well, sir, I don't think a slogan
03:25is enough to bring in new business.
03:27What our bank needs is an advertising gimmick.
03:31You know, for instance, if we could get the account
03:33of someone who is unique and different,
03:36someone who no other bank could get,
03:38like maybe the Queen of England
03:40or the King of Thailand
03:43or Mickey Mouse.
03:46Mickey Mouse?
03:47Yes.
03:48If we had Mickey Mouse,
03:49then we could have a great slogan.
03:51Bank with us.
03:52Put your money where your mouse is.
03:59That is the worst thing I have ever heard.
04:03I like that idea, Mrs. Carmichael,
04:05but who can we find
04:07that is unique and different?
04:09Uh, well, uh,
04:11how about the Maharaja of Kuchipaha?
04:14Uh, how about the Maharaja of Beverly Hills?
04:19Who?
04:20Jack Benny.
04:21Jack Benny?
04:22Yeah, everybody knows that Jack Benny
04:24doesn't trust banks
04:25and keeps all of his money in his own home.
04:27If we could get his business,
04:28we could get everybody else's business.
04:30If we could get Jack Benny's business,
04:32we wouldn't need anybody else's business.
04:36That's a splendid idea, Mrs. Carmichael.
04:40Yes, I must send someone over
04:41to see Mr. Benny immediately.
04:43Yes, sir,
04:44and I think that someone should be
04:46one of our more elegant and capable men.
04:50I think that someone should be
04:51a young, intelligent, attractive woman.
04:55Where are we going to find one?
04:59I think I could get Mr. Benny's account.
05:01Oh, forget it, Mrs. Carmichael.
05:03No, wait a minute, Moony.
05:05How would you go about it?
05:07Uh, well, sir, I, I would be very subtle.
05:10I'd flatter him, you know, play up to him.
05:13I wouldn't even mention the bank
05:15until the opportune moment.
05:17You mean you would intend to trick Mr. Benny?
05:21You would connive and lie to him?
05:24Well, no.
05:26Why not, if it'll get the account?
05:29Go ahead.
05:30Oh.
05:31Oh, all right.
06:01I'll be right back, Yascha.
06:13Mr. Benny?
06:15Lady, if you're selling Girl Scout cookies,
06:18I'm the one who makes them.
06:21Oh, no, sir, I'm not.
06:23I wanted to see you about something personal.
06:25Oh, about something personal?
06:27Yes.
06:28Oh, oh, well, come right in.
06:35Make yourself at home.
06:37Sit down.
06:46Now, uh, what can I do for you, Miss, uh, Miss...
06:51Carmichael.
06:52Oh, Carmichael.
06:53Yes.
06:54I just have a polar bear by that name.
06:57Oh, a polar bear.
06:59Was its first name Lucy?
07:01No.
07:02Well, you can call me Lucy.
07:04I can?
07:05Well, you can call me Jackie.
07:11Now.
07:12Yes.
07:13Now, uh, what, uh, what can I do for you, Lucy?
07:15Well, uh, Mr. Benny,
07:17uh, I'd like to know where I can find your violin teacher.
07:21Uh, so would a lot of other people.
07:24Now, what do you want him for?
07:26Well, I want my nephew to take violin lessons,
07:28and I want the finest teacher available.
07:31Oh.
07:32And I thought that any man who taught a virtuoso like you
07:37must be the best teacher in the world.
07:39Isn't that true?
07:41Well, yes.
07:43Yes.
07:44Now, let me think.
07:46Unfortunately, my very first violin teacher isn't available.
07:51Oh, he passed away?
07:53No, he ran away.
07:55Domestic trouble.
07:56Oh.
07:57But my present teacher is Monsieur LeBlanc.
08:00Monsieur LeBlanc.
08:01Do you, uh, know his address, Mr. Benny?
08:03Yes, I think it's 900 Valley Road.
08:05900.
08:06And he's a great violin teacher.
08:08He's been with me 20 years,
08:10and he has wonderful qualifications.
08:12Oh.
08:13He's tone-deaf and hungry.
08:17Well, thank you very much, Mr. Benny.
08:20You've been very helpful.
08:22Gee, Mr. Benny, all these mementos and awards and trophies.
08:27You certainly have had a wonderful life.
08:30Yes.
08:31Yes, I have.
08:32What's this?
08:33Oh, uh, that's a picture of me when I was in the Navy.
08:36Oh, I didn't know you were in the Navy.
08:39Was it the Korean War?
08:49Bless you.
08:53Oh, dear, all these wonderful pictures.
08:56Oh, there's one of Rochester.
08:58That's right.
08:59Oh, look at...
09:00Oh, and two presidents.
09:02My.
09:03Oh, there's a great picture of Bob Hope.
09:05Yes, he's one of my fans.
09:07Oh, I'll bet.
09:09Who are all these people?
09:11Oh, uh, this is the cast of my old television show.
09:15Oh, oh, they were all so talented.
09:18Do you still see any of them?
09:20Occasionally, I run into Dennis Day.
09:23And once in a while, I trip over Phil Harris.
09:29Oh, that reminds me.
09:31Can I offer you a drink?
09:32Uh...
09:33A soft drink.
09:34Oh, a soft drink.
09:35Yes.
09:36Uh, well, do you have any root beer or cola?
09:38Well, yes, which would you like?
09:40Oh, it doesn't make any difference.
09:42That's true.
09:43They cost me about the same.
09:46PHONE RINGS
09:48Will you answer that, please?
09:50Oh, yes, sir, Mr. Benny.
09:52PHONE RINGS
09:54Mr. Benny's residence.
09:56Uh, yes, but he's busy at the moment.
09:58Oh.
09:59All right, I'll tell him.
10:02Who was it?
10:03Uh, it was your dentist.
10:05Any message?
10:07Uh, yes.
10:08He said they're ready and you can pick them up tomorrow.
10:12Well, good.
10:13I'm glad I have a dinner date.
10:17There you are.
10:20Gee, Mr. Benny, I envy you.
10:22You've spent your life in such an exciting business.
10:25It makes my job seem so drab.
10:28Why?
10:29What do you do?
10:30Oh, I work in a bank.
10:32That's drab?
10:34Well, it doesn't pay very much.
10:36Oh, that's drab.
10:38Yes, it is.
10:39I'm just a secretary,
10:40and the only way I can get any extra money
10:42to pay for my nephew's violin lessons
10:45is by bringing in new accounts for the bank.
10:48Oh.
10:49And I feel that if my nephew doesn't take violin lessons,
10:53that the world may be deprived of a second Jack Benny.
10:58The world doesn't need a second Jack Benny.
11:04The first one ain't gonna leave.
11:06The first one ain't gonna leave.
11:17You know, Mr. Benny,
11:18it's very difficult lending new accounts.
11:20It seems that everybody in Beverly Hills
11:22has their money in banks.
11:24Oh, not everybody.
11:25What do you mean?
11:26Well, I don't have my money in a bank.
11:28Oh, I didn't know that.
11:32Well, why don't you keep your money in a bank?
11:35Well, I probably would if I could find one
11:38that would give me the same security
11:40as I have in my home.
11:42Oh.
11:43You see, I have a burglar-proof vault
11:45right here in my house.
11:46Is that so?
11:48Well, now I'm sure that our bank could supply a vault
11:51that's just as safe as yours.
11:53I doubt it.
11:54Well, if we could,
11:56would you become one of my new accounts?
12:00Well...
12:01Oh, it would help me so much, Mr. Benny.
12:04It would?
12:05I would be so grateful.
12:08How grateful?
12:12Pretty grateful.
12:14Now, if you would give me a chance to get your account,
12:17then maybe we could go out on a date.
12:20We could go to dinner.
12:22How about it?
12:23Well, that depends.
12:25Where are you planning to take me?
12:29Oh, well, anywhere you want.
12:32Well, good, good.
12:33Oh, well, then you'll give me a chance to get your account?
12:36Well, I'll tell you what.
12:37I'll show you my vault.
12:39And if your bank can build a better one,
12:42you've got my account.
12:43Oh, thank you, Mr. Benny.
12:45Now, right this way.
13:04Just a moment.
13:15Right here.
13:16Oh, yes.
13:20It's down pretty deep.
13:21You better wear this.
13:30What's that?
13:32You're lucky.
13:33You're just in time to see the changing of the guard.
13:49Oh, Michael, the workman finally finished the new vault.
13:52Good. Mr. Benny should be here any minute.
13:54Oh, you know, the bank has gone to great expense to build that vault.
13:58The sandhogs have been working day and night.
14:00If I'd known it was going to be so expensive,
14:02I never would have approved of it.
14:04We have just got to get Mr. Benny's account.
14:07Now, don't worry. We will.
14:09Besides, it was my idea.
14:10I will take the responsibility.
14:12If it doesn't work, you can fire me.
14:17Oh, I almost wish it wouldn't work.
14:20Oh, no, no, no.
14:21If it doesn't work, we'd both get fired.
14:23Yes.
14:24Well, now, it will work if they followed my instructions.
14:27Did they dig it deep enough?
14:29Well, it's 300 feet deep.
14:32How deep was Mr. Benny's vault?
14:34Well, I'm not sure.
14:35But before I was halfway down, I got the bends.
14:40It's very deep.
14:41Oh.
14:42Excuse me.
14:46Mr. Mooney's office.
14:47Oh, yes, Gladys. Send him right in.
14:49Mr. Benny is on his way in.
14:52Good, good.
14:53I just hope our little scheme works.
14:54Because if it doesn't, we...
14:55Oh, Mr. Benny.
14:58It's so good to see you again.
15:04I'd like you to meet my boss, Mr. Theodore Mooney.
15:07How do you do?
15:08How do you do, sir?
15:09It's a great pleasure.
15:10Well, you're just in time to see the new vault.
15:12And if you approve, and I'm sure you will,
15:15we'll need a little information about you,
15:17so I'd like to ask a few questions, if I may.
15:20It'll save time later on.
15:21All right.
15:22All righty.
15:23Good, good.
15:24Now, if you'll sit over here, Mrs. Carmichael.
15:25If I might ask, Mr. Benny.
15:26The information for you.
15:27There we are, sir.
15:30Now, your full name, Mr. Benny?
15:34Mr. Jack Benny.
15:38Your father's name?
15:40Mortimer.
15:41Mortimer.
15:43Your mother's maiden name?
15:45J.P. Morgan.
15:49J.P. Morgan?
15:52Judith Priscilla.
15:54Your social security number?
15:57One.
16:08Do you have any scars or identifying marks?
16:12Well...
16:15Yes, I have a tattoo.
16:19It was done many years ago.
16:21Done many years ago.
16:23What does it say?
16:27Wait.
16:39J-E-L-L-O.
16:51You see, I...
16:52I had to, and those days sponsors were hard to get.
16:57Oh, well, I think that's all the information we need, Mr. Benny.
17:01Yes.
17:02Now, Mr. Benny, you're going to see your vault.
17:04Then...
17:05Hmm?
17:06Well, I...
17:08I hope you're going to show it to me.
17:16Oh, yes, sir, I am.
17:18Well, don't you think that I should go along and be sort of a chaperone?
17:23A chaperone? I can't see any harm in being along with Mr. Benny.
17:28Oh, I wish you could.
17:32Oh, here we are.
17:34Mr. Benny, walk this way.
17:48I always do.
18:06Well, here you are, Mr. Benny.
18:08Hey, it doesn't look bad.
18:10How deep are we?
18:11We're 300 feet down.
18:13Well, that might be safe.
18:15It's also smog-free.
18:18Well...
18:19Ah, don't step down there.
18:21Why not?
18:22Landmines blow you to bits.
18:25You see, it's not going to be easy to get to your vault.
18:28Follow me.
18:35Now, Mr. Benny, nobody can get past this.
18:39Now, why not?
18:40Well, look what happens when I break the electric beam.
18:45Here.
19:01Now, you see, Mr. Benny, nobody will ever be able to get to your money.
19:05Including me.
19:08Not that I ever intend to take any out, you know, but I like to go in and fondle it once in a while.
19:14Now, sir, we have taken care of that.
19:16We have a switch that disconnects the guillotine.
19:19There it is.
19:21You can proceed now.
19:23Ladies first.
19:28All right.
19:36Now, Mr. Benny, I'd like to show you something very special.
19:39This is guaranteed safeguard against burglars.
19:43That?
19:44Yeah.
19:47This is a wooden door.
19:49A termite could get through it.
19:51It's a decoy.
19:53A decoy?
19:54Yeah, stand up against it and see what happens.
20:30That's cute.
20:33Cute?
20:34Weren't you frightened of them?
20:36When you've been with Custer, nothing frightens me.
20:40Okay.
20:49No.
20:55All right.
21:01Oh, the nerve of them.
21:03You know what they wanted?
21:04Time and a half for overtime.
21:06That's right.
21:08How did you know?
21:09I'm their agent.
21:14Frankly, if you expect me to keep my money here,
21:17you have to make a ball safer than this.
21:19Oh, well, now, Mr. Benny, let's keep going.
21:21The best is yet to come.
21:22I hope so.
21:24Now, this water right here, this water will stop anybody.
21:29Well, how deep is it?
21:31About a foot and a half.
21:33Well, how will that stop a crook from wading across?
21:37May I show you?
21:38Yeah.
21:55What happened?
21:56Piranha fish.
22:01Piranha fish?
22:03What a picnic they'd have with Jackie Gleason.
22:08You know, by the time he can say, and away we go, he'd be gone.
22:12That's right.
22:13We can guarantee that no crook will be able to get past this.
22:17Oh, yeah?
22:18All a crook has to do is take that door off its hinges and use it for a bridge.
22:25That's a very clever idea.
22:26Why don't you try that?
22:27All right.
22:38Wow.
22:43Hi, Irving.
22:47Irving?
22:48His mother works for me.
22:52Oh, boy.
22:53Now, how am I going to get to the ball?
22:55Well, I'll show you, Mr. Benny.
22:58Now, follow me.
23:03Come on.
23:05Look at that.
23:06Hey, that's clever.
23:07There's rocks in the water.
23:08They are not rocks, Mr. Benny.
23:10They're snapping turtles.
23:12Okay, fellas, beat it.
23:19Now, there is your vault door, and I defy any crook to get it open.
23:25But supposing some crook is smart enough to get it open, then all my money would be stolen.
23:32Yeah, but they have to get to the vault first.
23:35Well, what's going to stop them?
23:37Well, follow me, sir, and I will show you.
23:40May I have your hand?
23:58What's happening?
24:00What's this?
24:01It's quicksand.
24:02This is a bottomless pit.
24:04Why didn't I think of that?
24:07Do you like it?
24:08It's wonderful.
24:09You're a genius.
24:12Believe me, I'm going to keep my money in this bag.
24:14Good.
24:15We'll send over an armored truck to get all your money.
24:17Send three.
24:18Oh, boy.
24:19This quicksand is the cleverest idea I've ever heard.
24:24Glad you like it.
24:25You know, I think it's even better than your shark-filled moat.
24:28And cheaper.
24:29You don't have to feed them.
24:30That's true.
24:32Then it's a deal?
24:34It is a deal.
24:35Oh, I'm so glad.
24:58THE END