The Lucy Show-S5E3: Lucy And The Bean Queen
30min | Comedy | TV Series (1962–1968)
When Mr. Mooney refuses to co-sign Lucy's loan for new furniture, she launches an elaborate scheme to win the money from a company manufacturing beans.
Creators: Bob Carroll Jr., Madelyn Davis, Bob Schiller
Stars: Lucille Ball, Gale Gordon, Vivian Vance
30min | Comedy | TV Series (1962–1968)
When Mr. Mooney refuses to co-sign Lucy's loan for new furniture, she launches an elaborate scheme to win the money from a company manufacturing beans.
Creators: Bob Carroll Jr., Madelyn Davis, Bob Schiller
Stars: Lucille Ball, Gale Gordon, Vivian Vance
Category
😹
FunTranscript
00:00The Lucy Show Starring Lucille Ball
00:17Co-Starring Gail Gordon
00:22Co-Starring Mary Jane
00:32Co-Starring Mary Jane
00:39Co-Starring Mary Jane
00:45Yes, I picked it all out yesterday, Mary Jane,
00:48the most beautiful furniture you've ever seen in your life.
00:52Yes, it's expensive, $1,500, but I can pay it off in three years.
00:57Yeah, I got the contract right here.
01:00Well, all I have to do is get Mr. Mooney to co-sign it for me.
01:04Oh, come on, now he can take it out of my salary, and that way I'll be sure of my job.
01:10Yeah, he'll never fire me as long as I owe him money.
01:16Oh, yes, Mr. Mooney's a wonderful man when you get to know him.
01:23Nice and generous to a fault.
01:26Oh, sure, he's a little gruff now and then, but that's just the front.
01:30Underneath that rough exterior beats a heart of gold.
01:35Oh, I'll have to call you back, dear.
01:38You can skip the eulogy, I'm not gone yet.
01:42Oh, what a terrible thought. Don't even say such a thing.
01:46Well, I don't know what I'd do around here without you.
01:49You'd goof off all day long, that's what you'd do.
01:53Oh, I was just telling Mary Jane that in spite of our little misunderstandings now and then,
01:58you're really the best friend that I have.
02:01Mrs. Carmichael, if I'm the best friend you have, you're destitute.
02:08And whatever it is you're firing up your boilers for, the answer is no.
02:15Oh, I was just hoping that you'd do me one little favor.
02:18Do me one little favor and get those letters if they're ready.
02:22Yes, sir, they're ready.
02:23Oh.
02:24And there's not one single mistake in them either.
02:26Well, I'll have to take your word for that.
02:31This time you're going to sign them without reading them first?
02:35Yes.
02:43Well, gee, that makes me feel very good, Mr. Mooney.
02:47That proves that you have confidence in my work.
02:50No, it simply proves that I'm in a hurry. Let me have them, let me have them.
02:54Everything's right here. Everything.
02:57All you have to do is just sign them at the bottom, sir.
03:00I know where to sign a letter.
03:07What's this? What's this?
03:09What's what?
03:10A contract with the Royal Furniture Company for $1,500.
03:15Oh, oh, that's not for you, Mr. Mooney, that's mine.
03:17Wait a minute, wait a minute. Yours, $1,500?
03:20Well, yes, I'm buying some new furniture for my apartment.
03:24That really was what I wanted to talk to you about, Mr. Mooney.
03:28I need a cosigner, and I thought maybe you...
03:31Me?
03:34Cosign?
03:36Well, it's just a formality.
03:37I wouldn't cosign a $1,500 note for my mother.
03:42And I like her.
03:45Here, have that notarized, please.
03:47Yes, sir.
03:48Well, uh, Mr. Mooney, couldn't I just talk about my...
03:53Wouldn't you just talk about my new furniture?
03:55One more word about your new furniture,
03:57and I'll be talking about a new secretary.
03:59Now, now, open the door first and get out.
04:09Colonel Bailey here.
04:16Hey, good to see you. How do you feel?
04:19I couldn't feel better if I was a sprig of mint
04:22swimming in a tall, frosty jeweler.
04:26How's the banking business?
04:28Have you robbed any widows and orphans today?
04:31Absolutely!
04:34Oh, yeah, yes, we bankers love that joke.
04:38Boy, enough of this levity. Let's get down to business.
04:40Talk about the money you're going to make.
04:42Oh, yes, let's do that.
04:44I don't mind telling you, Colonel,
04:46I am happy to invest in any project of yours at any time.
04:50Due no doubt to the fact that your little investment in my pickle business
04:53has earned approximately 312% to date.
04:57Oh, yes, that was a good investment.
05:00Well, pickles were natural for a couple of old sourpusses like us.
05:10Colonel, let's discuss our new project.
05:13Now, what is it?
05:15Beans, Theodore, beans.
05:17Bailey's barbecued beans.
05:20Beans?
05:21Beans.
05:22And I'm launching them today with the same campaign
05:25that made Bailey's pickles an instant success.
05:28The money-back guarantee.
05:30Go on, go on, yes, yes, yes.
05:32This poster is going up today in every grocery store in town.
05:37Bailey's barbecued beans.
05:41The best beans you ever ate are double your money back.
05:45Sounds like another winner.
05:47My beans may change the name of Boston to Bailey.
05:51I hope they change the name of Mooney to Money.
05:56That's kind of a little...
06:00I have a check for $5,000 right here.
06:03A wise investment.
06:05I have just okayed 200 radio and TV singing commercials for our new product.
06:11Oh, I like the way you do things, Colonel.
06:14So do I.
06:16Bailey's beans, Bailey's beans.
06:18Priced by folks of every means.
06:20Fix a pot, fold a heart.
06:22The good old Bailey's beans.
06:24Don't delay.
06:25Move today to your dearest store.
06:28Hurry up, hurry up, hurry up.
06:29Whoa!
06:30Bye, Bailey's beans.
06:35See you later, partner.
06:43Bailey's beans, Bailey's beans.
06:45May make me a man of means.
06:52There you are, sir.
06:54Mr. Mooney, I was just thinking.
06:56If you won't co-sign to finance my new furniture,
07:00would you please authorize a $1,500 loan on my old furniture?
07:05Ah, now you're talking about collateral.
07:07I am.
07:09And that's different, that's different.
07:11All right, now how much did your old furniture cost?
07:14$800.
07:16And I still owe the finance company $700.
07:21Mrs. Carmichael?
07:22Yes, sir?
07:23You expect me to authorize a loan of $1,500 on furniture that cost $800
07:28on which you still owe $700?
07:31Well, certainly $800 and $700 equals $1,500.
07:36Only an idiot would give a loan under those conditions.
07:39Well, I don't know any other idiots.
07:40You're the only one I know.
07:43I mean that.
07:44Never mind what you mean.
07:45Get to work, get to work, get back to work.
07:47Yes, sir.
07:48Ha!
07:58Ha!
07:59If that isn't a ridiculous statement.
08:02What ridiculous statement?
08:04That ad, Best Beans You Ever Ate.
08:07There certainly aren't the best beans I ever ate, I can tell you that.
08:11Don't bother telling me because I'm busy doing other things.
08:13Best beans I ever ate, my mother baked.
08:16Oh, boy.
08:17She bakes the best beans in the whole world.
08:19Everybody says so.
08:20I could eat those beans three times a day.
08:23Mrs. Carmichael?
08:24Yes, sir?
08:29Would you like to continue to eat three times a day?
08:32Sure.
08:33Then get to work!
08:35Now, get out of here before you leave.
08:36Yes, sir.
08:37Watch this!
08:38Watch what?
08:39Six cents postage.
08:41It only costs five cents to send a letter.
08:44Oh, well, I ran out of five cents stamps, so I put two threes on it.
08:47It's okay because...
08:48It is never okay to waste money.
08:52Oh, it's only a penny.
08:54Only a penny.
08:56Oh, tut, tut, tut, tut, tut.
09:01If you would just learn the value of a penny,
09:03you wouldn't have to borrow money for new furniture.
09:06How much furniture can I buy for a penny?
09:09Just listen.
09:10If you put one penny in the bank today,
09:13two pennies the next day,
09:15then four the following day,
09:17and keep doubling the amount each day,
09:21you would have enough money to buy your furniture in 19 days.
09:27You're kidding!
09:30You mean if I doubled a penny 19 times, I'd have $1,500?
09:36You would have more than $1,500.
09:39Now, you just think about that.
10:14That's the last piece. Thank you, gentlemen.
10:16This is very nice of you donating your furniture to charity.
10:19Oh, that's all right. I'm very happy to do it.
10:21I'm just sorry that my furniture isn't in better condition.
10:24Oh, that's all right.
10:25Our charity is donating it to another charity.
10:31Hi, Mary Jane.
10:32Hi. Hey, I don't understand.
10:34I thought Mr. Mooney wouldn't co-sign for your new furniture.
10:37I don't need Mr. Mooney to co-sign.
10:40Well, how can you afford new furniture?
10:42This is how.
10:44Look at this sign.
10:46Isn't that the most ridiculous claim you ever saw in your whole life?
10:49The best beans you ever ate.
10:51Yeah. Now, that might be true for some people, but not for me.
10:54Because the best beans I ever ate are the beans that my mother baked.
10:58And anyone that puts out a phony ad like that deserves to furnish my apartment for me.
11:03Oh, Lucy, nobody's going to furnish your apartment just because your mother bakes better beans.
11:08Ah, that's where you're wrong.
11:11Now, look, I have the most fantastic idea you ever heard of.
11:15And it's so simple, it scares me.
11:17All your ideas scare me.
11:20Don't worry about this one. I got this idea from Mr. Mooney.
11:23Mr. Mooney?
11:24Yeah. Now, look.
11:25All we have to do is buy one can of beans for 25 cents.
11:29Take it back, and we get 50 cents.
11:3350 cents?
11:34That's right.
11:35Double your money back.
11:37Oh!
11:38Yeah, and then we take the 50 cents and buy two cans.
11:42Bring them back, and we get a dollar.
11:45Then we buy four cans, and we get two dollars back.
11:48Eight cans, and we get four dollars.
11:50Sixteen cans, we get eight dollars.
11:52Wait a minute, Lucy.
11:53Don't you think the math of the store is going to get suspicious
11:55if we keep bringing back more and more cans of beans?
11:58Oh, we don't go to just one store.
12:01I got it all figured out.
12:02Now, look at this.
12:04Look at this math.
12:08See all those pinheads there?
12:09Yeah.
12:10Well, all those pinheads are marking the stores in this whole location.
12:17Well, what are these two pinheads down here?
12:20Those two pinheads are us.
12:23Come on, let's go. Operation Bean.
12:33You know, this is our fourth market, and so far it's working like a charm.
12:37It sure is. It seems like Christmas.
12:39Yeah, and here's our Santa Claus.
12:42Oh, pardon me, sir. Are you the manager?
12:45Yes, ma'am. Something I can do for you ladies?
12:47Yes, I bought these beans, and I'd like to return them, please.
12:50Return them? Eight cans?
12:52That's right. Double my money back, like the sign says.
12:57Oh, but you could have found out if you liked them or not in one can.
13:01How come you bought eight?
13:03Look, mister, I don't tell you how to run your grocery store.
13:05Don't you tell me how to furnish my apartment.
13:11Tell me one thing, lady.
13:13If you didn't like these beans, why did you buy so many?
13:16The price was right.
13:35I don't understand it. I just don't understand it.
13:52Addison, you're the sales manager here. Explain what's going on.
13:55Yes, somebody better explain it.
13:57We've been shipping beans into that area for three weeks now,
14:00but the chart goes up and down, up and down.
14:03It looks like a ride at Disneyland.
14:05That's very funny, sir.
14:07I don't think it's funny.
14:08I don't think it's funny either.
14:10My reports show we've sold 1,500 cans of beans in that area.
14:13That's right.
14:14But our income is minus $400.
14:18Minus? How did that happen?
14:20Yes, how did that happen?
14:22I don't know, sir, but we'll certainly find out.
14:24You bet you'll find out. I put $5,000 in this bogus bean business.
14:29I expect to make money, not be drowned in red ink.
14:32Oh, now, patience, Theodore. Patience. These things take time.
14:36Rome wasn't built in a day, you know.
14:40We're not in the construction business. We're in the bean business.
14:45Don't worry, Mr. Mooney. We'll get to the bottom of this.
14:47You're already at the bottom of it.
14:51Now, Theodore, ain't gonna do no good you standing there
14:54cackling like a hen laying a square egg.
14:58Colonel Bailey?
14:59Yes?
15:00Colonel Bailey, this is Perkins in the sales department.
15:02The West Side reports that 3,000 cans of beans have been sold just today.
15:063,000?
15:07Yes, sir, and in one area.
15:09This is the breakthrough I've been waiting for.
15:12Well, Theodore, what do you think of our methods now?
15:18Well, I...
15:20Bailey's beans! Bailey's beans!
15:23I'm gonna have every bean, good or hot,
15:25in a pot of good old Bailey's beans.
15:28Oh, Mary Jane, I think I have just cornered the entire bean market.
15:42I think the bean market just cornered me.
15:45Oh, sorry about that, chief.
15:48Okay, out this way.
15:49Get me out of here.
15:50There you are.
15:51Are you out?
15:52Yeah.
15:53Okay.
15:54Oh.
15:55Gee.
15:56Oh, Lucy, is that the last load?
15:58Yeah, 3,000 cans of beans.
16:01English translation, $1,500.
16:03Isn't that great?
16:04Oh, it's great, but I'm pooped.
16:05Yeah, let's sit down and relax a while.
16:07Relax where?
16:09Well, that's a good question.
16:12Well, let's see now.
16:14I think our warehouse needs a woman's touch.
16:18♪♪♪
16:44Leave and relax when you know how.
16:51Go ahead, Mary Jane.
16:52Make yourself at home.
16:53Oh, thanks.
16:54I think I will.
17:03Oh, good thinking.
17:06Uh-oh.
17:07What's the matter?
17:08I forgot to put two in.
17:12That's a good idea.
17:16Oh, this is great.
17:18Say, you know, Lucy, you never did tell me what style your new furniture's gonna be.
17:22Oh, a little bit of everything.
17:24Contemporary, you know.
17:26Although, I must say, I kind of like this decor.
17:29Early pork and beans.
17:33Well, I sure gotta hand it to you.
17:36This is the greatest idea anybody ever pulled off.
17:40You know what I'm dying to see?
17:42What?
17:43The look on Mr. Mooney's face when he finds out that I have my new furniture and I tell him how I paid for it.
17:51Boy, will he be proud of me.
17:53Oh, yes.
17:54And he'll be so happy when he finds out that I got the whole idea from him for this whole scheme.
18:00Yeah, but you know, Lucy, I'm kind of worried.
18:03About what?
18:04About all these beans.
18:05How are we gonna take them back?
18:07We've already hit every store in the area.
18:09Well, now, we're not gonna hit any more stores.
18:12We're gonna zero in on the factory.
18:16The factory?
18:17How are we gonna get all this stuff at the factory?
18:19Don't you worry about a thing.
18:20I got everything arranged.
18:22I called a friend of mine, Frank Winslow.
18:24You remember him?
18:25He worked for the construction company.
18:26He's a big fella.
18:27Yeah, the big one, yeah.
18:29Well, I called him and he promised to help me and he never lets me down.
18:33There's good old reliable Frank now.
18:36Oh, baby beans, baby beans.
18:41Hello?
18:42Yeah, hi, Frank.
18:44You mean I can have it today?
18:46Oh, thank you.
18:48You're a pussycat.
18:50Bye.
18:51Oh, Seth, that quick?
18:53Yeah, Frank never asks any questions.
18:55Why not?
18:56Well, he says my answers make him too nervous.
18:59Come on, we gotta get all this stuff ready for loading.
19:02Okay.
19:07Yes, sir, I'll take care of that right away, sir.
19:17Mr. Bailey?
19:20Colonel Bailey.
19:22Oh, Colonel Bailey.
19:24Colonel Beauregard Bailey.
19:27Colonel Beauregard Bailey.
19:30Well, I do declare.
19:33What can I do for you, young lady?
19:35Well, now, I really hate to bother a busy man like you, but...
19:39Well, sir, you see, I bought some of your barbecued beans.
19:42Yes, everybody seems to be buying them.
19:45Aren't they sensational?
19:47Well, now, I don't want to hurt your feelings, sir,
19:50but I can't honestly say that they're the world's greatest beans and I'd like to return them.
19:55What?
19:56Why, I don't understand it.
19:58I know this business and I know we put out the best beans anyone ever ate.
20:02Well, I'm sure that you're very sincere, sir,
20:05but you've never tasted my mama's beans.
20:08And they're the best I ever ate.
20:11Now, we're not trying to put mama's out of business.
20:18Well, you could have gotten your money back at the grocery store.
20:21Why'd you bring this down here to me?
20:23Well, now, because I wanted to tell you how much I admire
20:27the straightforward way that you do business, Colonel Bailey.
20:32When I first read that guarantee, I didn't know whether you really meant it or not.
20:37Oh, my dear.
20:39The Bailey Bean Company means every word we say.
20:43We stand behind every bean.
20:46Oh, now, isn't that nice?
20:49You mean that guarantee is good for every little old can of beans that you sell?
20:54Every little old can.
20:56And I'm delighted to have a chance to prove it to you.
20:59Let me have that can.
21:00And for bookkeeping purposes, I'm going to have to pay you by check.
21:04Oh, that's quite all right, Colonel.
21:06But before you fill out the amount, I do have a few more cans outside.
21:10Oh?
21:11Yeah, you just make it out to Lucille Carmichael.
21:14Lucille Carmichael.
21:16Now, that was two L's.
21:17Two L's.
21:18Lucille Carmichael.
21:30What is this?
21:32Well, now, the rest of them are outside, Colonel.
21:34Altogether, I have 3,000 cans.
21:37You just make that check out for $1,500.
21:40$1,500.
21:42Three hubs, 3,000 cans.
21:48Hey, what are you doing here?
21:50What are you doing?
22:00Oh!
22:13Mary Jane, I have it! I have it!
22:15Oh, there you are.
22:16$1,500.
22:17Wow!
22:18Yeah, and I called the store and told them to deliver my furniture this afternoon.
22:21Oh, Lucy, I can't wait to see it.
22:23Oh, while we're waiting, let's get something to eat.
22:25I am so hungry.
22:26Oh, I got news for you.
22:27We were so busy buying beans, we forgot to buy groceries.
22:30Oh, I'm starved.
22:32Well, the only thing I could buy in the house is a glass of milk.
22:34I'll drink it.
22:35I drank it.
22:39The only other thing I found was a can of beans.
22:41I'm so hungry, I'll eat anything.
22:45When the furniture comes, we'll go marketing.
22:47Mmm.
22:49We'll have a big feast to celebrate.
22:52Mmm.
22:53Beans okay?
22:54Mmm.
22:56Not bad.
22:58Mmm.
23:00In fact, they're pretty good.
23:11Oh, no!
23:13Oh, no!
23:14Lucy, what's the matter?
23:17These are the best beans I ever ate in my whole life.
23:22Oh, dear.
23:23Oh!
23:24Lucy, what are you doing?
23:26Oh, I can't take the money.
23:27I can't take the money.
23:29If that's the furniture, send it back.
23:32Mrs. Carmichael!
23:34Mr. Mooney, what are you doing here?
23:36I happen to be an investor in Bailey's Bean Company.
23:39Yes!
23:41Oh, hello, Colonel.
23:42And I've just learned of your conniving, swindling scheme.
23:46Oh, don't bother to yell at me.
23:48Here, here's your check, Colonel.
23:50I can't take your money.
23:51How come?
23:52Because it's true.
23:53These are the best beans I ever ate in my whole life.
23:56They are?
23:57Yes!
23:58You see?
23:59How about that for a testimonial?
24:01Furniture for Carmichael!
24:03Please, take it back to the store.
24:05I can't pay for it.
24:06I'm sorry.
24:07Oh, just a little old minute here.
24:09Gentlemen, you bring all that new furniture right in here.
24:12I'll pay for it.
24:13You will?
24:14I'll be glad to pay for it.
24:16Because you're the most wonderful testimonial my company has ever had.
24:21Wow!
24:22From now on, you're going to be known as Bailey's Bean Queen.
24:32Bean Queen?
24:33Your picture will be on every sign board in the country.
24:37Gee, Mary Jane, I'm a bean queen.
24:41Bailey's Bean, Bailey's Bean.
24:43Right on!
24:53Woo!
25:04Woo!
25:08Woo!
25:14Woo!
25:22THE END