The Lucy Show-S5E13: Lucy And The Efficiency Expert
30min | Comedy | TV Series (1962–1968)
An overbearing efficiency expert threatens to change the way Mr. Mooney runs his bank branch.
Creators: Bob Carroll Jr., Madelyn Davis, Bob Schiller
Stars: Lucille Ball, Gale Gordon, Vivian Vance
30min | Comedy | TV Series (1962–1968)
An overbearing efficiency expert threatens to change the way Mr. Mooney runs his bank branch.
Creators: Bob Carroll Jr., Madelyn Davis, Bob Schiller
Stars: Lucille Ball, Gale Gordon, Vivian Vance
Category
😹
FunTranscript
00:00The Lucy Show Starring Lucille Ball
00:17Co-Starring Gale Gordon
00:47The Lucy Bank
00:52Hi, Lucy. You ready to go home?
00:54I know. I'll be with you in a minute.
00:55I gotta make sure that all this stuff is exactly where it belongs tonight.
00:59Can't you do that tomorrow morning?
01:00No, I have to do it tonight. I won't have time in the morning.
01:03Why?
01:04Because everybody has strict orders
01:06to be at the bank an hour early tomorrow
01:08to meet the efficiency expert
01:10who is being sent over to check on how Mr. Mooney is running the bank.
01:14Efficiency expert? Is Mr. Mooney worried?
01:16Is he? I haven't seen him so scared since his wife started taking karate lessons.
01:22Now Mr. Caston, the efficiency expert, has made drastic personnel changes at other branches of
01:29this bank because they were not run properly. However, Mr. Caston will find no fault at my bank
01:40because it is run competently by conscientious workers with one possible exception.
01:51Why are you late? All right, answer me! Why are you late? Well, I...
01:56That's the same excuse you gave me the last time.
02:00Well, Mr. Mooney, I'm not late. The bank isn't even open yet.
02:04I specifically requested everyone to be here one hour early this morning,
02:08and everyone was here one hour early except you, and you are 10 minutes late.
02:14Well, that's an improvement. I'm usually 15 minutes late.
02:17You see? You can't even be late on time. Never mind, there's no time for excuses.
02:23All right, everybody, up on your toes.
02:34All right, now get this. The name is Caston. Oliver Caston. Okay, for short.
02:38Good morning, Mr. Caston. I am Theodore J. Mooney, the manager of the bank.
02:42Well, ding, ding, ding, bring out the news. Why is everybody standing around? This is a bank,
02:48not a morgue. Now stop standing around like a bunch of stiffs. Tellers, get behind your cages.
02:53Bookkeepers, back to your books. And filing clerks, back to your files.
02:56Back to work, work, work, work, work. Move around. No smoking on the job.
03:01Back to work, work, work, work, work. Mr. Caston, sir, you've made a terrible mistake.
03:11I don't make mistakes. I correct them.
03:14But, sir, Mr. Grantham doesn't work here. He is a prospective and important client.
03:21Oh, I am glad to see you, glad to see you. Sorry about that cigar. Just a little
03:27favor for you. Here, take this one. There's a cigar on the floor. Do you like sloppiness?
03:32Pick it up. Pick it up. Sorry about that. What is he standing there without a light?
03:40Light, light, light, light. Is it too important for you to get out of the light?
03:45But wait a minute. Oh, this is a good girl. Nice to see somebody around here who is efficient.
03:50Efficiency is the lifeblood of this business. And this girl is efficient.
03:57I don't want any screaming. Don't suck your thumb. It's a dead giveaway.
04:02Oh, I like your style, Red. You've got a good career around here.
04:06Mark my words, Mooney, this girl is going places. Yes, and I'd like to tell her where.
04:12Mr. Caston, sir. Mr. Caston. Just call me okay. Okay, okay. I mean, if you would excuse me,
04:20sir, Mr. Grantham and I have some important business to discuss. Is that so? What are we
04:25hanging around here for? Move it. Go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go. Mr. Grantham, go, go, go,
04:30go, go, go, go. All right, you, Red. Me? You. Where do you think you're going? With Mr. Mooney.
04:35She's my secretary. Oh, you sly dog, you. Why, I go for the real... No, no, no. I'll come later.
04:44Never mind. We've got work to do. You go. Go, go, go. Hey, Red. Yes, sir. Come with me. Come,
04:48come, come. Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. Now, don't crowd me, will you, kid? I got work
04:55to do. I didn't mean to. It's quiet all right. Here, file this in the vault. By the way, sir,
04:59my name is Lucille Carmichael. Lucille Carmichael? Yes. Carmichael, Carmichael. Let me see. Carmichael,
05:05that's three syllables. Lucille, two syllables. Together, that's five syllables. In an average
05:11day, I'll have to address you 41 times. That's a total of 205 syllables. Too long. I'll just
05:16call you Red. Yes, sir. Now, let's get cranking. Show me about the bank. There's work to be done.
05:20Come with me. Come, come, come. Yes, yes, yes. Why don't you insist on crowding me? I didn't mean...
05:27I didn't mean... I'm sorry, sir. Crowding me is just a waste of time. Yes, sir. Don't you ever waste any
05:31time at all, sir? Can't afford to. You see, I have 12 children to support. 12 children? How long
05:38you've been married? 12 years. That's sufficiency, come on, come on, come on.
05:48Well, Mr. Mooney, I think the terms and conditions of this agreement are more than fair.
05:53Well, thank you, thank you. Our bank is most anxious to have the Grantland Toy Company
05:57as a member of our happy family. Well, now, if my board of directors agree with the terms of
06:02this loan, I think I can assure you of the Grantland Toy Company account. Oh, good, good,
06:06good. You'll be seeing me very shortly. Well, you're fine, sir, fine. It's been a pleasure
06:10doing business with you, sir. Thank you, Mr. Mooney. Thank you, sir. Bye-bye. Oh,
06:14Mooney, you rascal, you've done it again. Mr. Caston is not gonna like you wasting time dancing.
06:27Oh, has he finished his tour of the bank yet? Yes, and you know something? He is a very amazing
06:33man. He keeps going like perpetual motion. Go, go, go, work, work, work, quick, quick, quick.
06:38I wonder what makes him repeat everything. I think his mother was frightened by a bunch of radishes.
06:46Now, look, has he suggested any changes for the bank? Not yet, but I'm sure he's going to. Yeah,
06:52he's been walking around, looking at everything, shaking his head,
06:56and making little notes in a black notebook. Oh, oh, well, I'm gonna make sure that he finds
07:01nothing wrong in here. That's, uh, you know, that's all right. The filing cabinet, good. Uh,
07:07that's over there. Aha! What? I found something. What? The wall heater. It's in a direct line with
07:14the water cooler. So? Well, that isn't efficient. You see, the water isn't as cool as it should be
07:19because of its contact with the hot air. Say, it's pretty good thinking. I think you're an expert
07:25on hot air. I mean that. I know what you mean. I better move this thing. Where can I put it?
07:33Uh, yes, this will do. Put this right here, I think. All right.
07:40Over here. There. All right. Turn her back. Oh, yes, that's, that's better. I think so, too.
07:51Yes, well, I, I hope our Mr. Efficiency Expert approves of this. Mr. Mooney, are, uh,
07:58are you afraid of him? Afraid of him? Certainly not. I don't particularly like him. He reminds me
08:06of my wife. Is she efficient, too? No, she's bald. Well, let's get to work. Uh, say, how many letters
08:19do I have to send out this morning? All right, let's see. What have we got here? One office,
08:23one executive, one secretary. Good, good, good, good, good, good. You'll find nothing wrong in
08:29here, sir. Everything looks fine except... What is this water cooler doing over here? Thought I
08:36wouldn't notice it, huh? It should be over there. That's where it used to be. Who's the idiot who
08:41moved it? She is. Well, I had a perfectly good reason. Don't sputter, don't sputter. If the water
08:49cooler is by the door, every time the door opens and closes, there will be an influx of air,
08:54the draft will change the temperature in the water, and you're not thinking, Mooney. No,
08:57you're not thinking, Mooney. Well, I'm, I'm doing the best I can. Oh, well, don't be a
09:02gee whiz. I got a boy. I know that, baby. Relax. As a matter of fact, at the main office,
09:08we all think you're very good, good, good, good, good. Oh, oh. We even have a little
09:13reward for you. Oh, what's that, sir? The key to the executive washroom. Oh, thank you. I knew
09:21you'd like it. And one other thing, Mrs. Mooney, I'm going to take your secretary away from you.
09:25Oh, you don't have to do that, sir. No, sir, you have done enough for me already.
09:32Uh, well, what time do you want her to report to your office?
09:36She's already in my office. No, no, sir. This is my office. Not is. Was.
09:44Well, if you use this, what am I going to use for an office? I just gave you the key.
09:52All right, Red, I want you to keep a careful record of any messages I might get. Do you
09:55understand? Yes, sir. Now, I'm going to lunch. I'll be back in precisely seven minutes. Yes,
09:59sir. This water cooler, I wanted it moved. It's still here. When I give an order, I want it
10:06obeyed. When I want it moved, I want it to move, move, move, move, move, move, move, move, move.
10:11All the time, move when I say it. Hold it. No free blunders. Stop that, ladies.
10:21She reminds me of a sergeant I once knew. I better move this thing, I suppose.
10:27All right, I'll help you. Haven't you helped me enough already, you Benedict Arnold, you?
10:47I am glad to say I've only been here two days and already you're beginning to shape up.
10:51Beginning to shape up. But there's still plenty of room for improvement.
10:55Room for improvement. Moony, there's a spot on your tie. May I say that sloppy,
10:59sloppy, sloppy, sloppy, sloppy. Moony, sloppy, sloppy, sloppy, sloppy, sloppy.
11:03I know that some of you resent my making you come in earlier than usual, but remember,
11:08time is money. Yeah, the early bird catches the worm. A penny earned is a penny saved. A stitch
11:14in time saves nine. Never put off for tomorrow what you can do today. Birds of a feather gather
11:19no moss. He who hasn't... Birds of a feather gather no moss? I mean, what is that? That's
11:32efficiency. Oh. I put two proverbs together, sir. You see, birds use moss to build their nests.
11:38People deposit money in banks to feather their nests. So it's a good slogan for a bank.
11:42Birds of a feather gather no moss. My judge, I think she's got it. I hope you can all learn
11:49from her. In only two days, she's absorbed my methods of management. I'm going to my office
11:54to rewrite my report. Take over, Ed. Yes, sir. I'll take that. Right, Chief. And watch everything,
11:58keep it going right. Right. Hold that! No free blotters! Watch that! All right, now hear this.
12:07Things are going to be different around here. There'll be no more goofing off.
12:11When I give an order, I expect you to jump. Jump, jump, jump. Do you hear me? We're going to work
12:16as a team. We're going to put our best foot forward, our noses to the wheel, and our shoulders
12:20to the grindstone. All right, everyone, to your posts. Go, go, go, go, go, go.
12:29May I speak to you, Mrs. Carmichael? All right. What is it, TM?
12:34Well, Mrs. Carmichael, in all the years of our association, I could never get you to do
12:41even your own work, let alone extra jobs. But in just two short days, Mr. Caston has turned you
12:47into a human dynamo. Why? Well, because, TM, Mr. Caston has taught me the meaning of efficiency.
12:56He gave me ambition. He gave me my get up and go. Mr. Caston has taught me the power of positive
13:02thinking. I can be anything I want to be. Success goes to the worker, not the shirker.
13:07Do you remember the story of the grasshopper and the ant? The grasshopper and the ant?
13:13I've been so busy, I've forgotten about the birds and the bees.
13:18Back to your job, TM. Go, go, go, go, go.
13:24All right, open up. Open up. Here we go. On your toes, everybody. Good morning. Good morning. Glad
13:30to see you. Glad to see you. Glad to see you. Glad to see you. Good morning. Glad to see you.
13:35Glad to see you. Oh, hi, Mary Jane. Lucy, are you all right? Sure. Why? Well, you were gone when I
13:41stopped by your apartment for breakfast this morning. That's right. I left at 630. You know,
13:47the early bird catches the worm. What worm? All I wanted was toast and coffee.
13:54Lucy, you know, something's happening. You're, you're so different. I've turned over a new leaf,
13:59Mary Jane. I've learned in order to get anywhere today, you've got to move, move, move. By the way,
14:04I'm going to have to call off our bowling date tonight. I'm working late. Oh, well, can we go
14:08tomorrow night? Sorry, I'm working late tomorrow night, too. Gee, Lucy, I never get to see you
14:13anymore. How about lunch today? Okay. Oh, I'll pick you up at 12. But I have to be back by 1214.
14:2114 minutes for lunch? That's right. I'm entitled to 16 minutes, but yesterday I took 18,
14:27so now I owe them two. Lucy, you better stop washing your hair with that soft water. It's
14:33seeping into your brain. Right. How's everything going? Oh, fine, sir. I'd like you to meet my
14:38friend, Mary Jane, Mr. Caston. Well, I'm glad to see you. Glad to see you. I want to tell you,
14:42you're lucky to have a girlfriend like her. She knows her way around the business world.
14:45She has a bright future. She's going to get ahead. I hope so. She needs one.
14:51Friend? Mr. Caston? Mr. Caston, sir, I'm sure you'll be pleased to know that Mr. Grantland
14:55called. The Grantland Toy Company is transferring all of its business to our bank. Well, good,
15:01good, good. Yes, furthermore, they are going to borrow one million dollars. Bad, bad, bad. What
15:07do you mean, bad? How do we know they'll be able to repay their loan? Oh, they're in very good
15:11financial condition. Then how come they have to borrow money? Good, good, good.
15:19Good. How come they have to borrow money? Good thinking, Red. How about that? But they're a very
15:24good risk. I've seen their financial statement. But did you see their factory? Yeah. How do we
15:29know they're running their company efficiently? Yeah, how do you know that? If you didn't see
15:32the factory, how do you know that they are running anything efficiently? Will you hold that?
15:37Will you hold it? I say a few things once in a while, too. Now, before we lend them money,
15:43we're going to run to the fences and check on their factory. Come with me, Red. Right,
15:47come. Right, right, right. Try not to make any more mistakes while I'm gone.
16:02And this is the department that we're very, very, very proud of. We've combined our shipping
16:07department with our hobby horse assembly line. Hobby horses are a big profit item with us.
16:12Got that, Red? Hobby horses, big profit. Now, you might say this is the only business
16:16in the world that you can make money horsing around. Ordering one dump truck. What was that
16:24voice? In addition to assembling the hobby horses, we send the other toys into the shipping
16:28department when they're ordered. Uh-huh. What's this? Where? Where? Where are they going? Where?
16:35Where, where? Where? They're taking a 15-minute coffee break, and they deserve it. What a way
16:39to run a business. Mr. Grantland, you must be off your rocker. Grantland, off his rocker. What
16:44do you mean? Coffee breaks, four girls to handle a line like that. Two of them can handle it, but
16:49even one. Even one. Well, Mr. Kasson, if you can show me a way to run this operation more
16:54efficiently, I'd appreciate it. Your worries are over, baby. Get behind that assembly line, Red.
16:58Get behind? Me? Now, just get into this and get in there. Well, uh... Do as I say. Get in there.
17:05We'll show them how efficiency is run. Yes, sir. I am, sir. You have no fear. Mr. Grantland, you're wanted in your
17:10office. Oh, will you excuse me? I'm needed in my office. Have no fear. Kasson is here. Just a minute.
17:15Mr. Grantland, will you have him turn on that conveyor belt? Turn it on again, will you?
17:18By the time you get back, we'll be running this thing smoothly. Show you what efficiency really
17:23is. Yes, sir. Thank you, Grant. Go ahead, Red. You're on your own. Make me look good. Yes, sir.
17:29You can handle it, baby. Yes, sir. Just don't panic. No, sir. They make a big deal out of it.
17:33They put four broads on here. They need one. Yes, sir. Good work. Good. Look at this. Perfect, baby.
17:40You're going to make me look good. You're doing fine. It's not hard, sir. No, you got it perfect.
17:46They went that-a-way. Fun. Fun with the work. That's the way to do it. Look how efficient you
17:53move it. Oh, here comes another one. And you handle it beautifully. Attagirl, you're doing fine. I could
17:58teach you brain surgery in a week. You're beautiful, baby. Thank you, sir. I think this will make a good
18:03investment for the bank. Good. I hope so, sir. Doing very well, baby. You certainly have bright
18:09ideas, sir. Well, I got a bright girl. I get a bright idea. You're doing fine. Oh, here comes
18:15another one. Good girl. Right the first time. Order me one firetruck. Firetruck. You want the
18:24firetruck? Where's the firetruck? Oh, here's one, right here. Good girl. Put it on the assembly line.
18:28Beautiful firetruck. You're doing great. That's it. Ordering two mama dolls. What's a mama doll,
18:37honey? Well, it's a doll that says mama. Well, find it. Where's the mama doll? Here they are,
18:41mama dolls, mama dolls, mama dolls. You got four girls. You're doing it all by yourself. Wait a minute, wait a minute.
18:47Tail, tail, tail, tail, tail, tail, tail, tail, tail, tail. Head, head, head. Ordering one jack-in-the-box.
18:56What did he order? Yes, sir. He ordered something. What'd he say? He ordered something. What? What did he want?
19:03Ordering one jack-in-the-box. A jack-in-the-box? Here it is.
19:10Oh, wait a minute. You got a jack-in-the-box? Don't open it. It's a stink doll.
19:16All right. Yes, sir. Ordering two teddy bears. Two teddy bears. There's the teddy bear. Good girl.
19:23Yes, sir. Doing fine. They got one red teddy bear, one yellow. Now you're on your own, kid.
19:32Figured this one out by yourself. That's too much for me.
19:39Good girl, good. Put the tail in. Don't forget the tail. That's very good. You're doing...
19:53Ordering six yellow hound dogs. Six yellow hound dogs. Where are the hound dogs, honey? Hound dogs.
20:00They're hound dogs. Where are the hound dogs? Oh, get them if you can get them.
20:09Good morning, Mr. Carmichael. Good morning, Mr. Mooney.
20:29Any messages? No, sir, but I have the morning mail. Oh. Here you are. Thank you very much.
20:36Oh, Mr. Mooney. Is there something else? Well, yes, sir. I just want to tell you how happy I am
20:45to be working with you again. Well, thank you. Thank you. It is nice to have the bank back to
20:51normal. Yes, Mr. Caston may have been efficient, but he certainly made everybody a nervous wreck.
20:57Oh, he did indeed. Oh, by the way, sir, this top letter is for Mr. Cheever. You have to
21:04initial it and send it to the main office as soon as possible. Thank you very much for that.
21:09There we are. Would you like me to deliver it for you, sir? No, no, no. No need for you to bother.
21:15I'll have the messenger take it over. Boy. Yes, sir. Yes, sir. Yes, sir. What is it, sir?
21:27Uh, take this to Mr. Cheever's office. They want it as quickly as possible.
21:31Don't you worry, sir. I'll hurry. I'll go as fast as I can. I'll just run, run, run.
21:35Go, go, go, go, go, go. Run, run, run.