The Lucy Show-S5E14: Lucys Substitute Secretary
30min | Comedy | TV Series (1962–1968)
Lucy is preparing to go on vacation, but she has a change of heart when her substitute secretary turns out to be an attractive blonde who Mr. Mooney really likes. Lucy secretly doesn't go on vacation, and spies on them in various disguises.
Creators: Bob Carroll Jr., Madelyn Davis, Bob Schiller
Stars: Lucille Ball, Gale Gordon, Vivian Vance
30min | Comedy | TV Series (1962–1968)
Lucy is preparing to go on vacation, but she has a change of heart when her substitute secretary turns out to be an attractive blonde who Mr. Mooney really likes. Lucy secretly doesn't go on vacation, and spies on them in various disguises.
Creators: Bob Carroll Jr., Madelyn Davis, Bob Schiller
Stars: Lucille Ball, Gale Gordon, Vivian Vance
Category
😹
FunTranscript
00:00The Lucy Show, starring Lucille Ball, co-starring Gail Gordon.
00:30Now, Mrs. Winkler, I'm not the type of man to high pressure anyone into making a hasty
00:49decision, but I'm sure you'd be more than satisfied if you give our bank a chance to
00:54handle your late husband's estate.
00:55Well, I appreciate your interest, Mr. Mooney, but I think I'd like a little longer to think
01:01it over.
01:02Of course.
01:03And now I must be getting back to Pasadena.
01:08And remember, Mrs. Winkler, our bank offers more than just business relationships.
01:14With us, you would be treated as a friend and a member of the family.
01:17Well, I must say, Mr. Mooney, I like the way you make a person feel so, so sheltered and
01:24protected.
01:26Well, that's our policy today.
01:29Mr. Mooney!
01:34Oh, Mrs. Winkler, are you all right?
01:36Yes, yes, I'm all right.
01:37Oh, I apologize for my secretary.
01:40I'm terribly sorry.
01:41Please forgive me.
01:42Oh, my heart is still pounding the way you sailed across that desk.
01:47Oh, my dear, forget it.
01:49I rather enjoy a little action once in a while.
01:55I'm so tired of having boy scouts always trying to take me across the street.
02:00Good day, Mr. Mooney.
02:01Oh, good day, Mrs. Winkler.
02:03Oh, it's so nice of you to take it that way, really.
02:06Thank you so much.
02:07Mrs. Carmichael!
02:09Do you realize Mrs. Winkler is a very important potential client?
02:12Well, yes, Mr. Mooney.
02:13I said it was an accident.
02:15I just turned...
02:20What are you doing with all that junk, anyway?
02:22Did you come here to work or to try out for the Olympics?
02:24No, sir.
02:25The girls here at the office loaned me all this stuff to take to Lake Arrowhead tomorrow.
02:30Oh, yes.
02:31I almost forgot.
02:32Tomorrow is my vacation.
02:34You mean my vacation.
02:36When you're not here, it's my vacation.
02:52Who's winning?
02:56I was just getting a little practice.
02:59The personnel office sent me over to see Mr. Mooney's secretary.
03:02Oh, well, that's me.
03:03I'm Lucy Carmichael.
03:05Hi, I'm Audrey Fields.
03:06I'm going to be replacing you on your vacation.
03:08Oh, oh, oh, fine, fine.
03:10Well, Mr. Mooney just stepped out, and I'll be glad to see you.
03:13I'll be glad to see you, too.
03:15I'll be glad to see you, too.
03:17I'll be glad to see you, too.
03:18I'll be glad to see you, too.
03:19I'll be glad to see you, too.
03:20I'll be glad to see you, too.
03:22I'll be glad to introduce you to him when he comes back.
03:24Won't you just sit down?
03:25Well, maybe while we're waiting, you'd show me around and tell me what my duties are.
03:28Oh, well, it's just the usual secretarial work.
03:31You know, answering the phone and typing letters and filing and things like that.
03:36And if I can do it, anybody can.
03:40Now, tell me about Mr. Mooney.
03:42Just what kind of a boss is your employer?
03:45Well, let me put it this way.
03:47He's more boss than employer.
03:51Uh-oh, one of those, huh?
03:53Yeah.
03:54Well, I'm sure that a man like that can be handled with tact and diplomacy.
03:58Oh, well, that's just the way I handle, Mr. Mooney.
04:01I have found that the best tact and diplomacy is just yell right back at him.
04:06What do you want?
04:11Well, I'll tell you what I want.
04:15You're supposed to put addresses on letters before you take them to the mail room.
04:21I'll be glad to help.
04:23Who's this?
04:24Oh, that's Miss Audrey Fields.
04:26She's going to replace me during my vacation.
04:29Oh, how do you do?
04:31How do you do, Mr. Mooney?
04:33Please, sit down, sit down.
04:36Well, tell me, Miss Fields, have you had much experience in this sort of work?
04:40Oh, yes, sir.
04:41My last position was as private secretary to the president of the North Atlantic Trust Company.
04:46Oh, private secretary to the president.
04:48Well.
04:49Yes.
04:50You must have been with the company for quite some time.
04:52No, not really.
04:53Actually, when I started, the situation was rather similar to this one.
04:57I replaced a girl who went on her vacation, and Mr. Grant was so pleased with my work that he kept me on.
05:04Oh.
05:05Yes.
05:07And by the time she got back, I had assumed so many of her responsibilities that they made her my secretary.
05:16My, isn't that interesting.
05:19Very.
05:21Well, now it will be a pleasure having someone with your experience around here to help us.
05:26You know, Mr. Mooney, you remind me somewhat of Mr. Grant.
05:31Oh, I do?
05:32Uh-huh.
05:33Of course, he's a bit older.
05:35How old is he?
05:37At least 40.
05:38Oh.
05:39You know, Mr. Mooney, now that I see how young and attractive you really are, I'm really sort of surprised that this office is furnished so, um, conservatively.
05:53Uh, conservatively?
05:55Oh, yes, Mr. Mooney.
05:57Now, for instance, these drapes, they're really terribly ordinary.
06:02Today, people are going in for fun patterns, and lamps, um, with a message.
06:08Lamps with a message?
06:10Yes.
06:11And now, let me see, the rug looks like it's in good shape.
06:15Maybe shampooing it would bring it back to life.
06:18It is a little dead, isn't it?
06:20Oh.
06:22And I think that we should move my desk just a little closer to yours.
06:27And then we'd still have plenty of room here in the middle for a nice and formal arrangement, something cozy and warm, huh?
06:35How about a love seat with an incense burner?
06:42Hardly.
06:47Well, I like your suggestions very much, Miss Fields, very much indeed.
06:52Mrs. Carmichael.
06:53Yes, sir?
06:54Before you go to lunch, will you get in touch with an interior decorator?
06:57Yes, sir.
06:58Make sure we get someone very avant-garde and modern.
07:01Oui, madame.
07:02And get someone up here to shampoo this rug and bring it back to life.
07:06Yes, sir. There's nothing worse than a dead rug.
07:11Oh, and if anyone calls, I'll be out to lunch.
07:13Yes, sir.
07:14Now, there's one more thing.
07:16Yes, sir?
07:17Are you interested in lunch, Miss Fields?
07:21With you? Yes.
07:43Oh, dear.
07:45Now, come on, Lucy. Stop worrying.
07:48Wait till you see these kooky outfits I borrowed for you from the studio.
07:51All very high fashion.
07:53And look, honey, this is the wig Audrey Hepburn wore in the picture we saw.
07:57You know, some nights you can be a brunette just for kicks.
08:00Well, Mary Jane, I appreciate all the trouble that you went to,
08:04but I just think I should call Lake Arrowhead and cancel my reservation.
08:08Oh, Lucy, all year long you've looked forward to this trip.
08:11Now, don't blow it just because some girl's taking your place at the office.
08:15That's just it. Taking my place.
08:18She's the type that could con Mr. Mooney into making my vacation permanent.
08:23Mr. Mooney wouldn't allow a thing like that.
08:27I know you two have your differences, but Mr. Mooney's loyal.
08:31If he wasn't, he'd have hired a good secretary a long time ago.
08:37You're a big help.
08:40Anyway, she's more than just a secretary. She's one of those tricky chicks.
08:45You know what she is? What?
08:47She's a one-woman Peyton place.
08:51You make her sound like a real femme fatale. What does she look like?
08:55Oh, nothing special.
08:57She's about the same age as me when I was younger.
09:01She's attractive, but not beautiful.
09:04Her figure's okay, but not wow, you know.
09:07So what are you worried about? She's just a girl.
09:10I know, but she's so good at it.
09:13But honey, Mr. Mooney's not going to be taken in by someone like that.
09:17By someone like that? He's a respectable married man.
09:20He's also at the dangerous age.
09:23He's past the dangerous age.
09:25That's worse. Men go from dangerous to desperate.
09:31I tell you, you're just letting your imagination run wild now.
09:35Why don't you go up to Lake Arrowhead and stop worrying about your job?
09:39Look, I'm not just worrying about my job.
09:41I don't want to see Mr. Mooney led astray by some designing woman.
09:45Is there anything you can do about it?
09:48Well, I can stay around where I can keep an eye on them and see they don't get too cozy.
09:53Lucy, you're supposed to be on a vacation.
09:55You can't be seen hanging around the bank.
09:59Well, now they don't have to know it's me that's hanging around the bank.
10:05Lucy, no, not another one of your kooky capers.
10:08Well, all I know is I've just got to protect poor Mr. Mooney from that menace.
10:14Well, do it.
10:19Uh, new paragraph.
10:21Confidentially, I think my approach to landing the Winkler account is far superior to Mr. Cheever's old-fashioned fuddy-duddy way.
10:34Oh, by the way, where did these flowers come from?
10:38Oh, I brought them. I thought they'd make your office just a little more cheerful.
10:43Uh, our office?
10:48Oh, Mr. Mooney.
10:50Oh, they smell lovely.
10:52I was hoping their fragrance would help overcome the aroma of Mrs. Carmichael's perfume that seems to linger on.
10:59Oh, is that her perfume?
11:02Hmm, I thought that was insecticide.
11:08Good morning, Mr. Mooney's office.
11:10Oh, the interior decorator is here.
11:12Good, good, good.
11:13Send the decorator in, please.
11:16I just know you're going to love all the ideas I have for your office.
11:20Uh, our office.
11:25Ciao.
11:43I am Margo of Margo's Mad Mad Mod interior.
11:50She has a mad, mad, mad exterior too, girl.
11:56Won't you come in?
12:06I'm, uh, Mr. Mooney's secretary.
12:09Oh, you must be that lovely Mrs. Carmichael I spoke to on the phone.
12:15No, Mrs. Carmichael is on vacation. I'm taking her place.
12:18Oh, oh.
12:20Uh, Mr. Mooney, Mrs. Carmichael sure thinks the world of you.
12:24Yeah, she said you were so kind and considerate and so loyal.
12:28And oh, by the way, how's Mrs. Mooney?
12:35Uh, well, uh, fine.
12:37I'm glad to hear that.
12:39Would you mind if we got on with the decorating?
12:42Why not?
12:46Over here, I thought we should have some very bold masculine drapes.
12:51A pattern that would reflect Mr. Mooney's personality.
12:54Maybe something in an animal motif.
13:00How about something with a stripe down its back?
13:04Yes, stripes. Stripes are very in this season.
13:08Yes, they're way in.
13:11And over there.
13:12Where?
13:13There, we thought that we should have a very important painting.
13:18Like what?
13:19Something that art lovers can communicate with.
13:21Oh, well, if it's communication you want, how about a Salvador Dali?
13:27Then when anyone comes through the door, they can say, hello, Dali.
13:32That's communication.
13:35Yes, well, we'll think about that.
13:38Now, over here, I would suggest that we put a nice, cozy little bar.
13:42A bar?
13:44Oh, yes, Mr. Mooney.
13:46Nowadays, more deals are made over a bar than over a desk.
13:50Oh, true, true.
13:52I'd like the bar to be made out of something unusual.
13:55Like what?
13:56Well, now, we're going to have a bar,
13:58made out of something unusual.
14:00Like what?
14:01Well, now, what do you have in distressed wood?
14:07Well, we have some walnut that looks a little worried.
14:12Or maybe you prefer a melancholy mahogany.
14:16Or if you want something really distressed,
14:18we have some pecky cypress that's on the verge of suicide.
14:23I know what I'd like.
14:25What?
14:26Maple.
14:28Oh, maple, good.
14:30With a beautiful blonde finish to go with your hair.
14:34Oh, aren't you sweet?
14:37And maybe a black base to go with the roots.
14:45Well, if you ladies have settled your decorations,
14:49Well, if you ladies have settled your decorating problems,
14:52we have to get back to work.
14:54Oh, don't let me interrupt.
14:55You two just go ahead like I wasn't even here.
14:58I'll just take a few measurements.
15:00Oh, fine, fine.
15:01Now, let's get on with our correspondence.
15:04Would you read me the last paragraph of that memo I dictated?
15:09Yes, sir.
15:10Confidentially, Mr. Cavanaugh,
15:12I think my approach to landing the Winkler account
15:15is superior to Mr. Cheever's old-fashioned fuddy-duddy way.
15:18Fine, fine, fine.
15:19Now, that memo goes to Mr. Cavanaugh,
15:21and be sure that this one goes to Mr. Cheever.
15:24And don't get them mixed up, because if you do,
15:26I am in terrible trouble.
15:29Oh, I'll be very careful, Mr. Mooney.
15:31Perhaps Mrs. Carmichael could make that mistake,
15:34but I never could.
15:38One more thing.
15:40Are you interested in lunch, Miss Fields?
15:44With you?
15:46Yes.
15:47Oh, yes.
16:03Perhaps Mrs. Carmichael could make that mistake,
16:06but I never could.
16:18Gentlemen, the stock that you mention
16:21will be acceptable as collateral
16:24for the loan that you are requesting.
16:27However, if the loan will not...
16:35Buenos dias. My name is Jose Hernandez.
16:39Apparently, you're here to shampoo the rug.
16:41Apparently, I come to jump on the rug.
16:45Wouldn't Mrs. Carmichael send someone over here
16:48to shampoo the rug
16:50when we have important work to do?
16:54Now, she is a real bird brain.
17:00Couldn't you make arrangements
17:01to come back later this evening?
17:03Ah, no, I cannot work at night.
17:05At night, I have to see Esther.
17:08Don't you take your siesta in the afternoon?
17:10No, Esther, my girl.
17:12Tonight, I have to see Esther.
17:15Oh, really.
17:17Shampooing the rug while we are working.
17:19What a bother!
17:20Oh, you don't bother me, senor.
17:22Oh, I'm referring to you.
17:24Oh, gracias, gracias.
17:28Oh, pick up your feet, senor.
17:30On the way for Juan Jose.
17:33Can't you go someplace to help?
17:35Yes, he do wanna, but I don't wanna.
17:39Mooney, I wanna talk to you about this limo I received.
17:42Yes, Mr. Skipper, yes, sir.
17:43What about it, sir?
17:44Well, in it, you criticize
17:45my handling of the Winkler account,
17:47and you also refer to me as an old putty-dutty.
17:51Oh, well, sir,
17:53my secretary must have made a mistake
17:55in transcribing her notes.
17:56I have never thought of you as a putty.
17:59Or even a dutty.
18:01What I think I said was
18:03that you are a ready putty.
18:06Well, listen, ready putty.
18:09You had better get ready
18:10to find yourself another job
18:12with another putty-dutty.
18:14If we don't land that Winkler account...
18:16Yes, sir.
18:17Wait a minute, sir.
18:18This is a bank, not a laundry.
18:23Well, Mr. Skipper,
18:25can you explain how this happened?
18:28No, no, I don't know how it happened.
18:30I just came to jump on a rock.
18:32I'm talking to you.
18:35I'm talking to you.
18:37Well, Miss Fields?
18:38No, I'm sorry, I don't understand.
18:40This is worse than anything, Mrs. Carmichael.
18:43Hello.
18:47Oh, will you stop that silly dancing.
18:50I'm not dancing.
18:51I'm just rubbing the suds in the rug.
18:53Rubbing the suds in the rug.
18:54Rubbing them on the rug.
18:55Now, come on.
18:56Out of here.
18:57I've had enough of this.
18:58Out, out, out.
18:59Oh, senor, senor.
19:00You're bending my enchilada.
19:02My enchilada?
19:14I'm sorry, Mr. Mooney,
19:15Mrs. Winkler still doesn't answer.
19:17Oh, well, keep trying, keep trying.
19:19If she takes her account to a rival bank,
19:21I'll be looking for another job.
19:26Good morning, Mr. Mooney.
19:28Yes?
19:31Good morning, Mrs. Winkler.
19:34Oh, how nice to see you, won't you, today?
19:40We've been trying to get you on the phone all morning.
19:43Oh, have you really?
19:47Well, I was visiting some friends at Lake Arrowhead.
19:51Oh, and while I was there,
19:52I ran into that adorable secretary of yours.
19:56Mrs. Carmichael, what a dear, dear girl.
19:59Oh, well, that's very generous of you to say that
20:02after the way she sprawled you across this desk.
20:05Oh, she's nothing of it.
20:07She's just a spirited young thing.
20:09I was the same way when I was younger.
20:12My, my.
20:13This office seems so dead and empty without her.
20:17Oh, my, you are fond of her.
20:20Well, she's my kind of people.
20:23I like doing business with my kind of people.
20:27Doing business?
20:28Yes.
20:29Well, now, I can arrange to have the papers
20:31all drawn up for your signature tomorrow.
20:33Oh, will Mrs. Carmichael be back tomorrow?
20:37Oh, I'm afraid not.
20:39Oh, well, why don't you have Mrs. Carmichael
20:41call me when she gets back from her vacation,
20:43and we'll settle things then.
20:45Oh, whatever you say, Mrs. Winkler.
20:48Whatever you say, of course.
21:00Oh, my, she certainly is eccentric.
21:03Well, she'd have to be to be so fond of Mrs. Carmichael.
21:08Oh, she's also very forgetful.
21:10Here's her handkerchief.
21:12Now, I wonder why she insists on Mrs. Carmichael being here
21:18before she'll do business with us.
21:20Now, she went to Arrowhead.
21:23Arrowhead.
21:26I am beginning to smell a rat.
21:30I am beginning to smell the rat's perfume.
21:34Now, look at these initials.
21:35L.C.
21:37Lucille Carmichael.
21:39Now, what in the world could she be up to?
21:41Why, she's here to spy on us.
21:43Well, why would she want to do a thing like that?
21:45She's jealous of me.
21:47Jealous?
21:48Well, as a woman, she's aware of the great admiration
21:52that I have for you, Mr. Mooney.
21:54Now, what was it you said they used to call you in college?
21:59Speedy.
22:04Speedy.
22:14Ah, so you came back, did you,
22:17to get the handkerchief before we discovered your initials?
22:20Handkerchief? What are you talking about?
22:22Oh, don't give me that.
22:24Come on.
22:25I've had enough of your games.
22:32Mr. Mooney.
22:33Oh, you don't know what you just did.
22:47Mrs. Carmichael!
22:50Do you realize what you have made me do?
22:53Yes, yes, I'm sorry, Mr. Mooney.
22:54Sorry?
22:55I not only threw out an important client,
22:58I have thrown my entire career out of her hands.
23:03Mr. Mooney.
23:04Oh, Mr. Cheever.
23:05Yes, sir.
23:06Mrs. Winkler was just in my office.
23:08I don't know what you said to her, but congratulations.
23:12Congratulations?
23:14She wants you to handle her account personally.
23:17She says you're the independent, no-nonsense type.
23:20She likes your spirit.
23:21Says you remind her of her late husband.
23:24Splendid, my boy, splendid!
23:33Mr. Mooney.
23:34Hello.
23:35See, I'm lucky for you.
23:37Well, it's lucky for you that things turned out the way they did.
23:45Where are you going, Miss Fields?
23:48To Arrowhead.
23:50I've had enough of this kooky joint.
23:52Speedy!
24:04If you're stuck for a secretary, Mr. Mooney,
24:07I can take my vacation some other time.
24:11That is, if you still want me to work for you.
24:15Well, there's one thing I have to get settled first.
24:20What's that, sir?
24:24Are you interested in lunch, Mrs. Carmichael?
24:29With you, yes.
24:41THE END
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