The Lucy Show-S5E19: Lucy Meets The Law
30min | Comedy | TV Series (1962–1968)
Lucy is accused of being the notorious red-haired shoplifter who has been victimizing area stores.
Creators: Bob Carroll Jr., Madelyn Davis, Bob Schiller
Stars: Lucille Ball, Gale Gordon, Vivian Vance
30min | Comedy | TV Series (1962–1968)
Lucy is accused of being the notorious red-haired shoplifter who has been victimizing area stores.
Creators: Bob Carroll Jr., Madelyn Davis, Bob Schiller
Stars: Lucille Ball, Gale Gordon, Vivian Vance
Category
😹
FunTranscript
00:00The Lucy Show Starring Lucille Ball
00:16Co-Starring Gail Gordon
00:47Oh, boy, it's the biggest sale I ever went through.
00:50Oh, what a mob!
00:52Yeah, and there was such a shoving and pushing in my whole life.
00:56Shove, shove, shove. Push, push, push.
00:58And some of the women still wouldn't let me through.
01:03That's so funny.
01:04Whoever said women were the weaker sex never went shopping with us?
01:09That's for sure. Gee, I wish that bus would come. I'm so tired.
01:13You know, they had some marvelous bargains there today, Lucy.
01:16They sure did. That's why I wanted to go to that store.
01:19You know, I have to be very careful of every penny that I spend.
01:23Well, how come then you bought three steam irons?
01:26Well, when they're marked down like that, you have to take advantage of it.
01:32At that price, they were a steal.
01:34Lucy, what are you going to do with three steam irons?
01:37Well, you never know when two of them are going to break down.
01:41That's the most ridiculous thing I ever heard of.
01:43Well, you know, you should talk. Last week you bought a hundred pound sack of dog food.
01:47Oh, well, that was half price.
01:49You don't even have a dog.
01:53I might get one someday.
01:55Oh, ho, ho, ho.
01:56Want a bite?
01:57Oh, no, honey. I'm on a diet.
01:59You are?
02:00Yeah, I've been on a diet for a couple of weeks.
02:02I didn't know that.
02:04Shut up.
02:05Heaven's sake.
02:07Now, Lucy, you did it again.
02:10I did what again?
02:11You threw paper on the sidewalk.
02:13Oh, that.
02:15Listen, you do that all the time.
02:17The other day you threw peanut shells all over the street.
02:19You know, you could get arrested for that.
02:21I could get arrested?
02:23Yes. Of course, you know, it's very serious.
02:25That's against the Keep America Beautiful campaign.
02:29You might have committed a federal offense.
02:31A federal offense?
02:33I just hope nobody saw you.
02:35Oh, for heaven's sake, I better get it.
02:37Lucy.
02:39What?
02:40Policeman.
02:41Policeman?
02:42Yeah.
02:45Do you think they saw what I did?
02:47I don't know.
02:49Mary Jane, promise me something.
02:51What?
02:52If anything happens, save yourself.
02:54Pretend you don't know me.
02:56Lucy, I can't do that.
02:58Promise me.
02:59Oh, I promise.
03:05Oh.
03:07Excuse me, lady.
03:09Does that bag belong to you?
03:12I beg your pardon, sir.
03:13Are you addressing me?
03:15Yes, madam, I was addressing you.
03:17Does that bag belong to you?
03:20Well, yes, as a matter of fact, it does.
03:22Oh.
03:23Okay, sister, it's all over.
03:24Let's go.
03:25I beg your pardon?
03:26Go where?
03:27You can cut that innocent act.
03:28You have any identification?
03:31Well, I have a little birthmark,
03:33but I'm certainly not going to show it to strangers.
03:37I just don't go around showing it to strangers.
03:40Let me see your driver's license.
03:42I don't have a driver's license.
03:44I don't even have a car.
03:46What's your name?
03:47Lucille Carmichael.
03:49Lucille Carmichael.
03:51Ha!
03:52Phony name.
03:53Never heard one.
03:54It is not a phony name.
03:55Lucille Carmichael is my real name, isn't it?
03:57Tell them what my name is.
03:59Lady, I never saw you before in my life.
04:05But, uh...
04:06Are you coming along quietly, or do we have to get tough?
04:10Well, if you feel that way about it,
04:13imagine making a federal offense over a little thing like this.
04:16I'll take care of that.
04:17Oh, thank you.
04:18Holy smoke, sister, what have you got in here?
04:21Well, three steam irons and...
04:23My, my, you have had a busy day.
04:27You like to do things in a big way, don't you?
04:30Well, not really, but they were such a steal.
04:35Come on, lady, let's go.
04:37All right.
04:44Lieutenant, we're sure that this Carmichael dame
04:47is the red-headed shoplifter that's been pulling all these big jobs.
04:51We caught her with the stuff right on her.
04:53Those pearls were in her shopping bag.
04:55Okay, bring her in.
04:59Bring her in, Miller.
05:08Hi.
05:09Hi.
05:11Your name is Carmichael?
05:13Lucille Carmichael, yes.
05:14Lucille is spelled with two L's.
05:16Three, if you count the first one.
05:18Uh, officers Peters and Miller,
05:21my name is Lieutenant Finch.
05:23Well, I'm very happy to meet you all.
05:26And you have no idea how happy we are to meet you.
05:30Oh, thank you.
05:32Won't you sit down?
05:33Oh, thank you.
05:36Now, just to get off on the right foot,
05:39it is my duty to inform you that anything you say will be held against you.
05:43Ah, yes, sir.
05:44And that you have a right to legal counsel if you so desire.
05:48Oh, no, I don't think that's necessary.
05:51It isn't that big a thing.
05:52Oh?
05:55Well, suppose we all just settle back and you tell us what you did today.
06:00Oh, well, now that's not going to be very entertaining.
06:05We'll find it fascinating.
06:07Oh, well, okay, where shall I start?
06:10Why don't we start with the beginning, this morning?
06:12This morning.
06:13Well, let's see now.
06:14I got up early, about quarter of eight, I think.
06:16Maybe it was ten of.
06:18Yeah, about ten of eight, I think.
06:19And I read the paper.
06:21I always read the paper every morning.
06:22And I saw this ad for this marvelous sale.
06:25And I just love sales.
06:28So, I call Mary Jane and I...
06:30Uh-uh.
06:32Mary, who's Mary Jane?
06:35Uh, she's my cat.
06:42Do you often phone your cat?
06:44Oh, yes, always.
06:46Always when she's away from home.
06:48I always call her and I say, what's new, pussycat?
06:53Well, let's forget the feline phone calls.
06:55Tell us about this sale you went to.
06:57Oh, well, as I say, I love sales.
06:59And, well, I'm the sort of person who just cannot resist picking up a few things.
07:05Oh, you can imagine.
07:07So, just like that, you decided to go shopping.
07:11Oh, yes, I do it all the time.
07:13Especially when I don't feel like going to the bank.
07:16Bank?
07:17Yeah, that bank job gets so monotonous.
07:21We'll talk about the bank job later.
07:23Oh.
07:24Now, right now, we'd like to hear about your shopping.
07:27All right, but why?
07:29Lady, when you've been shopping, word gets around.
07:33Oh, I didn't know that.
07:38Well, you better believe it, sister.
07:39Well...
07:40So, you went shopping and you picked up a few things.
07:44Well, more than a few.
07:45More than a few.
07:46There were, let's see now, three steam irons, a little bottle of cologne,
07:50a pair of curtains, two pair of curtains,
07:53and, oh, I found a new eyelash curler,
07:57and a floor lamp.
07:59Floor lamp?
08:00Where was that? It wasn't in the bag.
08:02Well, of course not.
08:03You just can't walk out carrying a floor lamp.
08:09It's being delivered.
08:12By the store?
08:13Certainly.
08:14Boy, what nerve!
08:17You shop pretty good.
08:19Oh, well, thank you.
08:20It isn't easy with a crowd around like that.
08:22You have to be fast.
08:26Well, that takes care of the preliminaries.
08:29Now to the main event.
08:31I beg your pardon?
08:32The reason you're here.
08:34Oh, that.
08:35Oh, well, as a matter of fact, I'd like a chance to explain that.
08:39Would you really?
08:40Yes, you see...
08:43I'm really not that kind of person.
08:47I just wasn't thinking.
08:49You mean you had a mental aberration?
08:53I could have had that, yes.
09:00Now Carmichael, let's level.
09:02You've been doing stuff like this all over town, haven't you?
09:05Well, I don't know about that.
09:07I don't remember.
09:09You don't remember?
09:11You're just not talking, are you?
09:13Well, who remembers things like that?
09:15Do you remember every time you drop a gum wrapper on the sidewalk?
09:19I don't chew gum!
09:20Do you?
09:22Look, let me refresh your memory.
09:24About six weeks ago, you were on Western Avenue, weren't you?
09:27Western Avenue?
09:29That's right.
09:30First shop, there was a sable cape in the window.
09:33Remember a sable cape?
09:35Well, uh, Western Avenue.
09:37Sometimes I go down Melrose and I...
09:40Oh, Western.
09:41Oh, now I remember.
09:43Oh, yeah.
09:44Peanuts.
09:45That's what it was.
09:46Peanuts.
09:47Peanuts.
09:48Yeah.
09:49I finished it off and just...
09:50Didn't even think about it.
09:53I admit it.
09:54I admit it, but it was just a little bag.
09:56A little bag?
09:57Lady, in our book, that's a big bag.
09:59That cost somebody $4,000.
10:03Well, I don't understand that.
10:05Oh, not much, you don't.
10:06I gotta admit, Carmichael, you are really something.
10:09She's the coolest cookie I ever saw, Lieutenant.
10:12Yeah, she's a real criminal type.
10:14No conscience, no nerves.
10:16You better get yourself a good lawyer.
10:18You're gonna need one.
10:19Well, gee whiz.
10:20The way you talk, you'd think I committed a robbery or something.
10:23A robbery?
10:24You, heaven forbid.
10:26Well, I don't see why I can't just pay a little fine and go home.
10:29A little fine?
10:30You'll be lucky if you get off in less than ten years.
10:33Ten years?
10:35It was only a chocolate-covered, coconut caramel cream wrapper.
10:39I think maybe we ought to call in a psychiatrist.
10:41So do I. He's nuts.
10:46Now, I don't want you to explain it.
10:47You'll just give me a jab.
10:48You can explain it to the judge.
10:49Get her out of here.
10:51I never heard of such a thing in my life.
10:53Ten years for him.
11:06Oh, yes.
11:09Hey, Hogan.
11:11What do you want, Tinkerbell?
11:16You've got company.
11:19Why do you always dump all the garbage in on me?
11:26What do you want?
11:28Well, uh, please, maybe I could have a private room?
11:33A private room, dearies?
11:35Well, next time, why don't you call in advance for a reservation?
11:40We'll give you a nice room with a view.
11:42But I don't think I'm very welcome here.
11:45Aw, you're as welcome as the flowers in May.
11:51But she sounds so tough.
11:53She is tough.
11:55And you better be tough, too,
11:58or she'll crush you like a marshmallow.
12:01Now, get it.
12:27That's my pillow.
12:31That's my pillow.
13:01What are you in for, kid?
13:04Don't call me kid.
13:06Okay, what's your handle?
13:10Steel Knuckles Carmichael.
13:14My friends call me Knuck.
13:16Oh, hey, Knuck.
13:18What you in for?
13:21Just getting rid of some paper.
13:25Oh, passing counterfeit moolah, huh?
13:29What?
13:31Hey, you're in the big leagues, kid.
13:35I said don't call me kid.
13:37Oh, I'm sorry, muck.
13:38It's not muck, it's Knuck.
13:40Okay, Knuck.
13:43Gee, don't get so excited.
13:45All right.
13:54Boy, what a crummy joint this is.
13:57Oh, I don't know.
13:58This pad ain't bad.
14:01I've been a lot worse.
14:03Yeah?
14:05What's your handle?
14:07Hardhead Hogan.
14:09Hardhead?
14:11How'd you ever get a name like that?
14:13I'm a bouncer in a beer hall.
14:16I know.
14:17Right up with my head.
14:19I get them right about here.
14:21Boop.
14:22Out they go like a light.
14:24Yeah, I can see why.
14:26It's a natural talent.
14:28Had it since I was a kid.
14:30Guess you was just born lucky, huh?
14:32Ah, it's got its drawbacks.
14:34I got a tough time keeping my hair curled.
14:41Back then, everybody's got problems.
14:44Yeah, well, that's one way of looking at it.
14:46What are you in for?
14:47A saltin' battery.
14:49Oh?
14:50Yeah.
14:51It was all a misunderstanding.
14:53Sure, sure it was.
14:54I was framed.
14:55Sure you was.
14:58I've been having a little trouble with my eyes lately.
15:00Oh?
15:01I butted a guy the other night,
15:03and instead of him going out the door,
15:05I put him right through the wall.
15:07Don't be kidding.
15:09Yeah, it was messy.
15:12But a perfectly innocent mistake.
15:15Sure, sure it was.
15:18You know something, hardhead?
15:20What?
15:21Uh, I'd like a nice hot cup of coffee.
15:31I'll just ring for room service.
15:42What's all the ruckus about?
15:45What's all the racket in here?
15:48Tinkerbell, my roommate would like a nice hot cup of coffee.
15:54But of course.
15:58And would madam like sugar and cream in her coffee?
16:02Well, a little cream and no sugar.
16:04I'll take saccharin, because I've been on a diet,
16:06and I wouldn't want to put her on a diet like that.
16:08Oh, shut up!
16:15Oh, he's a nerve of her.
16:17I'll tell you one thing, if she does bring me my coffee,
16:19I ain't gonna give her no tip.
16:26Hey, you know you're all right, cluck.
16:28Not cluck, knock.
16:32I'm glad you like my style.
16:34I think you and me are gonna go great together.
16:36Yeah?
16:37Now listen.
16:39I'm gonna let you in on something.
16:40What?
16:42Stay here.
16:45What?
16:51I figured out a way to beat this rat.
16:54They don't call me hardhead for nothing.
16:56I got it all mapped out.
16:58I'm busting out of here.
17:00Doing a bird.
17:02You mean...
17:05You mean you're gonna try to escape?
17:07Now you got it, kid.
17:10Don't call me kid.
17:12Oh, I'm sorry.
17:13Knock.
17:14No, it's not knock, it's cluck.
17:15No, knock.
17:18Oh, knock.
17:19Okay.
17:20Now, here's the way we're gonna do it.
17:22We? What do you mean, we?
17:23You and me.
17:24What do you think I've been talking about?
17:26We're partners.
17:27Now, here's the plan.
17:30As soon as Tinkle Bell comes in here,
17:32I'm gonna bite her in the bread basket
17:34and bounce her right off that wall.
17:38And then you and me,
17:40we'll burn it.
17:44Right out of here.
17:45How do you like that?
17:47Well, um...
17:48Hardhead, if you don't mind, I'd, uh...
17:51I'd like to think about it a little bit, you know.
17:54What's to think?
17:55Well, I...
17:56We're partners, remember?
17:58Yeah, but, uh...
17:59Honey!
18:00You don't argue with hardhead.
18:02Well, I...
18:11Right over here.
18:13Lieutenant Finch, I can't tell you.
18:15I mean, I just can't tell you
18:17what it means to have these pearls
18:19returned to my jewelry store.
18:21You've done a magnificent job.
18:23Well, save the compliments.
18:24Can you recall what happened?
18:26Well, I was showing these pearls to a client,
18:29and I left them on the counter
18:30when this red-headed creature walked in.
18:33I thought she was just browsing,
18:35but when I turned my back for just a moment,
18:38she swooped up the pearls and was gone.
18:41I mean...
18:42That sounds like her, all right.
18:44The slickest shoplifter in town.
18:45We've been after her for months.
18:47Now, would you know her if you saw her again?
18:49Oh, I most certainly would.
18:51The incident has indelibly impressed on my mind.
18:54I shall remember that face for years.
18:57That red hair.
18:58Good, good.
18:59Matron, bring in the girls for the lineup.
19:01Okay, come on, girls.
19:03Step lively.
19:04Come on, pick them up.
19:06Get over here.
19:09Face the front.
19:15All right, Mr. Trendle,
19:16all we need is a positive identification.
19:18Just pick her out.
19:33Well?
19:34Uh, I'm not sure.
19:36Never in a thousand years, huh?
19:38Well, I didn't anticipate so many redheads.
19:41What did you figure on a bunch of Yule Brenners?
19:45All right, Mr. Trendle, which one?
19:48Well, Lieutenant, it's very difficult.
19:50These girls are all so innocent-looking.
19:53Innocent?
19:54Most of these babes would make Ma Barker
19:56look like a campfire girl.
19:58Well, I can't help that.
19:59The woman I saw was much tougher-looking.
20:02All right, girls, look tough for Mr. Trendle.
20:04Real tough.
20:12Yes!
20:13That's the one!
20:15I'd never forget in a thousand years.
20:17That's the one.
20:18That's her!
20:19Step forward, Queenie.
20:20The rest of you debutantes,
20:21back to your penthouses.
20:22All right, come on, let's go.
20:24Come on.
20:25You're nominated, Queenie.
20:27Well, what am I nominated for?
20:29Miss Lightfingers of the Year.
20:31Oh, that.
20:32I can explain that.
20:33Are you the head of the
20:34Keep America Beautiful campaign?
20:35Because I can explain everything.
20:37You can explain it in my office.
20:38Get her in there.
20:39Now, just a minute, just a minute.
20:40I know my rights.
20:41My constitutional rights.
20:43I'm entitled to make one phone call.
20:45Oh, you're going to call your lawyer, I suppose.
20:47No, my manicure is.
20:48I want to cancel my appointment.
20:50Oh, I didn't know I was going to get so long.
20:58Well, we got a strong case against you now.
21:01You were positively identified.
21:03Picked out of a lineup by a reliable witness.
21:05You can make it a lot easier on yourself
21:07by signing a confession.
21:08A confession for a little thing like that?
21:10That's the silliest thing I ever heard of.
21:13Boss?
21:14Yeah?
21:15There are some people out here to see the prisoner.
21:17Who are they?
21:18I don't know.
21:19I don't know.
21:20Mr. Mooney!
21:22Mrs. Carmichael!
21:24What in the world?
21:32Lucy!
21:33Lucy, are you all right?
21:35What's it to you?
21:36I never saw you before in my life, Mary Jane.
21:38Mary Jane?
21:40Oh, this is the pussycat you made the phone call to.
21:43All right, Mooney, what's your connection with her?
21:45Mrs. Carmichael happens to work for me.
21:48Hey, lieutenant, this looks like a regular gang.
21:50He must be the big boss.
21:53Boss?
21:54Gang?
21:55What's he talking about?
21:56Would you please explain what's going on here?
21:58Yes, sir.
21:59It all started with a chocolate-covered, coconut-caramel cream wrapper.
22:02There she goes again.
22:04She's being booked for grand larceny.
22:07Grand larceny?
22:09Grand larceny?
22:10Grand larceny!
22:11That's right, little sirico.
22:15Mooney, you know Lucy never stole anything in her life.
22:18Well, that's true.
22:19She is not dishonest.
22:21Oh, she's incompetent, scatterbrained, bungling, inefficient, disorganized,
22:27incoherent, and stupid.
22:29But she is not dishonest.
22:33Thank you, Mr. Mooney.
22:39Thank you for sticking up for me.
22:41Look, Mooney, there's no question about it.
22:43We caught her with a good.
22:44What good?
22:45Well, to begin with, she was walking around with three steam irons in her bag.
22:49Now, does that sound normal to you?
22:52For her, yes.
22:58Of course, I'd never be able to explain it.
23:00Oh, Melissa, I can explain that.
23:02You just stand there, pussycat, and purr quietly.
23:05But I didn't steal anything.
23:07Can I get anyone to believe that?
23:09No, but you'll have a long time to try.
23:11She'll be out of circulation for ten years.
23:15Ten years?
23:16Yes.
23:20Well, now, Mrs. Carmichael, don't you worry about a thing.
23:23We will get you the best lawyers in town.
23:25And in your case, we will have no difficulty proving insanity.
23:32Oh, Mrs. Carmichael.
23:34Oh, now, there, there, there, there.
23:36Don't cry.
23:37It's all right for you to say not to cry,
23:39because you don't have anything to cry about.
23:41But suppose it was your wife that was being sent away for ten years.
23:47This is no time for wishful thinking.
23:51Now, sir, I want you to know that I'm an important man in this city.
23:55Boss!
23:56What do you want?
23:57Hold everything.
23:58You got the wrong dame.
23:59What do you mean I got the wrong dame?
24:00This is the redhead who stole the pearls.
24:02She just signed a confession.
24:04Okay, Miller, book her.
24:06Well, Mrs. Carmichael, it seems that there's been a slight misunderstanding.
24:11Well, there certainly has been.
24:13Can I go now?
24:14Oh, yes, yes.
24:15Well, thank you.
24:16I don't know what...
24:17Get in there.
24:18Hardhead, what happened?
24:20Well, when I butted Tinkerbell in the bread basket,
24:23she bounced me off the wall.
24:27Well, you can't win them all, honey.
24:30Well, anyway, you got your private room back.
24:32I just got sprung.
24:34Oh!
24:35Gee, I'm gonna miss your clock.
24:37Not clock, knock.
24:39Knock, knock.
24:40Did you say knock?
24:41Knock, knock.
24:48Knock, knock.
24:49Knock, knock.
24:50Knock, knock.
24:51Knock, knock.
24:52Knock, knock.
24:53Knock, knock.
24:54Knock, knock.
24:55Knock, knock.
24:56Knock, knock.
24:57Knock, knock.
24:58Knock, knock.
24:59Knock, knock.
25:00Knock, knock.
25:01Knock, knock.
25:02Knock, knock.
25:03Knock, knock.
25:04Knock, knock.
25:05Knock, knock.
25:06Knock, knock.
25:07Knock, knock.
25:08Knock, knock.
25:09Knock, knock.
25:10Knock, knock.
25:11Knock, knock.
25:12Knock, knock.
25:13Knock, knock.
25:14Knock, knock.
25:15Knock, knock.
25:16Knock, knock.
25:17Knock, knock.
25:18Knock, knock.
25:19Knock, knock.
25:20Knock, knock.
25:21Knock, knock.
25:22Knock, knock.
25:23Knock, knock.
25:24Knock, knock.
25:25Knock, knock.
25:26Knock, knock.
25:27Knock, knock.
25:28Knock, knock.
25:29Knock, knock.
25:30Knock, knock.
25:31Knock, knock.
25:32Knock, knock.
25:33Knock, knock.
25:34Knock, knock.
25:35Knock, knock.
25:36Knock, knock.
25:37Knock, knock.
25:38Knock, knock.
25:39Knock, knock.
25:40Knock, knock.
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25:42Knock, knock.
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25:44Knock, knock.
25:45Knock, knock.