The Lucy Show-S5E9: Lucy Gets Caught Up In The Draft
30min | Comedy | TV Series (1962–1968)
When a letter arrives from the US Government, Lucy finds that she's mistakenly been drafted. Instead of "Lucy," the letter is addressed to "Lou C." She sets off to the draft office to correct the mistake, but due to stupid "rules and regulations," Lucy finds that she has to become a Marine until the paperwork gets straightened out. She proceeds to make life miserable for her sergeant.
Creators: Bob Carroll Jr., Madelyn Davis, Bob Schiller
Stars: Lucille Ball, Gale Gordon, Vivian Vance
30min | Comedy | TV Series (1962–1968)
When a letter arrives from the US Government, Lucy finds that she's mistakenly been drafted. Instead of "Lucy," the letter is addressed to "Lou C." She sets off to the draft office to correct the mistake, but due to stupid "rules and regulations," Lucy finds that she has to become a Marine until the paperwork gets straightened out. She proceeds to make life miserable for her sergeant.
Creators: Bob Carroll Jr., Madelyn Davis, Bob Schiller
Stars: Lucille Ball, Gale Gordon, Vivian Vance
Category
😹
FunTranscript
00:00The Lucy Show.
00:16Starring Lucille Ball.
00:20Co-starring Gail Gordon.
00:35Co-starring Mary Jane.
00:42Co-starring Lucy.
00:47Co-starring Mary Jane.
00:52Hello.
00:53Oh, hi Mary Jane.
00:55Go to the beach, are you kidding?
00:58Well, it sounds wonderful, but I have to work.
01:01Yes, on a Saturday, yes.
01:04Now, wait a minute, wait a minute.
01:07That's not fair comparing Mr. Mooney to Simon Legree.
01:11No, no, I'm not defending Mr. Mooney, I'm defending Simon Legree.
01:16No, I can't sneak away because Mr. Mooney's working right here with me.
01:22He just went out to get me a sandwich.
01:24Take him to the beach with us, are you kidding?
01:27All he thinks about is work, work, work, not having any fun.
01:31Of course, it might be very nice taking him to the beach
01:34and burying him in the sand head first.
01:39I think I hear the old slave driver coming, bye.
01:53You needn't listen at the door, Mr. Mooney.
01:56Mr. Mooney, come on in, I'm working.
02:07I was not listening at the door.
02:11And how come you heard what I said?
02:16Here's your sandwich.
02:19That will be 35 cents.
02:23Well, maybe I can put it on my expense account.
02:28Don't start eating it yet, there's 20 minutes before lunchtime.
02:32Oh, for heaven's sake.
02:34Well, now, I have another letter I want you to take down, it's very important.
02:37But I haven't even finished these yet.
02:39Well, just forget that, forget that for the moment.
02:40Now, this is to Jones, Jones and Becker.
02:43Dear sir, in regard to that contract you referred to in your letter...
02:48Oh.
02:49What's the matter?
02:50Writer's cramp.
02:51Oh, oh, I'm sorry.
02:52Well, now, if you'd like to rest, Mrs. Carmichael, we can take a two-minute break.
02:56Thank you, thank you very much.
02:59I really don't see why we have to work on a Saturday.
03:02We have to work on Saturday because of all the time you wasted on Friday.
03:07What do you mean wasted?
03:08A secretary is entitled to a lunch hour, isn't she?
03:11From 11 a.m. to 3 p.m.
03:15Oh, all right, so I took a long lunch hour.
03:17It's only because I missed the morning coffee break.
03:19That was because you got to work so late the coffee break was over.
03:23No, that's not true, Mr. Rooney.
03:25You're always late.
03:26No, just because you say it doesn't mean that that's true.
03:28Mrs. Carmichael, I don't want to get angry with you...
03:32...because I do appreciate the fact that you agreed to let me come over here and work in your apartment today.
03:37Oh, that's all right.
03:38I just still can't understand why they don't give you a key to the bank.
03:42They won't even give me a key to the washroom.
03:46What's that?
03:48I don't know.
03:49Excuse me.
03:53Oh, good morning, Joe.
03:54Good morning. Five cents due on this one.
03:56Oh, okay, okay. It must be a letter from my son, Jimmy.
03:59How can you tell?
04:01Well, he writes to me all the time from school, but he won't spend any of his allowance on stamps.
04:06There you are.
04:08Thanks a lot, Joe.
04:10Bye-bye.
04:11Yeah, it's from my son, Jimmy, all right.
04:19Dear Mom, our school has a new rule where we have to write at least one letter home every week.
04:26This is it.
04:29Yours truly, your son, Jimmy Carmichael.
04:32P.S. If you don't get this letter, let me know so I can write another one.
04:37Isn't that adorable, Mr. Mooney?
04:40It's adorable, but it's not worth a nickel.
04:45Well, shall we get back to work now?
04:47Yes, sir. As soon as I read this other letter, my goodness, this looks official.
04:51It's from the United States government.
04:56Oh, no.
04:59This is unbelievable.
05:01They want you to pay more income tax.
05:03No, worse than that.
05:05Nothing can be worse than paying more income tax.
05:08Yes, it can. I've been drafted.
05:11You've been what?
05:12Drafted.
05:13Oh, that's ridiculous. Let me see that.
05:16There must be a mistake.
05:18Oh, well, of course.
05:20Now, this isn't addressed to Lucy Carmichael.
05:23It's addressed to Lou C. Carmichael.
05:27Oh, thank goodness.
05:29Had me worried for a second.
05:31Yeah?
05:32Oh, for heaven's sake.
05:33What are you doing?
05:35I'm just throwing it away.
05:36You can't throw away a letter from the United States government.
05:40Well, for heaven's sake, it's an obvious mistake.
05:42Well, I realize that, but you can't just ignore it.
05:45Now, we'll have to go down to the induction center and get this straightened out right away.
05:49Oh, no.
05:51This is ridiculous, drafting a woman.
05:54Well, I agree with you.
05:55It's silly.
05:56It's silly, but we can't ignore this.
05:58Now, we have got to go down and straighten it out.
06:00When they find out that you're a woman, I'm sure it'll all be settled.
06:03Well, I hope so.
06:04Do you think I'm going to have to go through a lot of red tape and...
06:07Well, I know something about military matters.
06:10I'll go along with you.
06:11Oh, well, thank you very much.
06:12Now, you come along now, right away.
06:14Hurry up.
06:15Gosh, imagine a thing like that.
06:17Imagine putting me in the army.
06:19Don't worry.
06:20You'll never pass the physical.
06:34Come in.
06:39Yes, sir.
06:40Sir, I am here about this induction notice.
06:44You got drafted?
06:46Sir, you don't understand.
06:48Please, miss, let your father talk for himself.
06:54I am not her father.
06:56Now, about this induction notice.
06:58Mister, drafting you is the most ridiculous thing I ever heard.
07:01If you think that's ridiculous, wait till you hear this.
07:04What?
07:05I'm the one that's being drafted.
07:08Let me see that notice.
07:11Now, see, it's addressed to Lucy Carmichael.
07:15But I'm not Lucy Carmichael.
07:18I'm Lucy Carmichael.
07:19I'm a girl.
07:21Yeah, when you came in, I noticed you were rounder than most of the guys.
07:26Let me check my records.
07:28Patton, Barton, Brown, Burns, Kaplan.
07:31Oh, there we are. Carmichael.
07:32Lucy Carmichael.
07:33Now, then, Lieutenant, I suggest that you get in touch with your superior officers...
07:38Now, just a second, buddy.
07:40Don't come in here and start giving me orders.
07:42That's the trouble with you civilians.
07:44You think you know everything.
07:45I want you to understand, sir, that I was an officer during the last war.
07:50Really?
07:51On which side?
07:55Look, this is my boss, Mr. Theodore J. Mooney,
07:59and he just came down here to help me straighten this out.
08:01Well, you could have straightened it out yourself.
08:03It's obviously a mistake.
08:04Oh, well, good then.
08:06We can go.
08:07Thank you very much.
08:09Halt!
08:11About face!
08:15Now, there's no doubt that this is a mistake.
08:19Well, then why can't I leave?
08:21Because my orders call for a Lucy Carmichael to be inducted.
08:26Unless those orders are changed by someone higher up,
08:28Lucy Carmichael is going to be inducted.
08:31I'm not Lucy. I'm Lucy.
08:34You said yourself it was a mistake.
08:36Oh, but I haven't got the authority to change it.
08:38This is the Army. We go by rules and regulations.
08:41And unless my orders are changed, you are in the Army.
08:45Oh, this is all a terrible mistake.
08:48Oh, what's so terrible about it?
08:50Why not look at the bright side?
08:52What bright side?
08:53Well, you're bound to be the most popular soldier in your barracks.
08:57Okay, son, you pass the physical.
08:59Finish dressing and report to room 203.
09:01Yes, sir.
09:06Next!
09:08Name?
09:09Uh, look, sir, this thing is a hole.
09:11Name?
09:12Uh, I'm trying to tell you, this thing is a mistake.
09:15Name!
09:18Carmichael.
09:19Name!
09:22Next!
09:30Name!
09:31Uh, look, sir, this thing is a hole.
09:33Name!
09:35Carmichael.
09:37Strip to your shorts, Carmichael.
09:41I will not.
09:47What some guys won't do to stay out of the arm.
09:53I am not a guy, I'm a girl.
09:55My name is Lucy, L-U-C-Y.
09:58I got an induction notice.
10:00It was supposed to be for a man named Lou C.
10:03Lou period, C period.
10:05This whole thing is a silly mistake.
10:07Well, of course it's a mistake.
10:09Oh, well good.
10:10Can I go?
10:11Well, I'm afraid I can't let you go now because I...
10:14Because you haven't got the authority.
10:16That's right.
10:17And because there are rules and regulations.
10:19That's right.
10:20And you have to follow orders.
10:21And because you have to take it to someone higher up.
10:24And that may take weeks.
10:27What am I supposed to do until then, doctor?
10:30Until then, you're in the army.
10:33I am not in the army.
10:34I don't want to be in the army.
10:36All right.
10:37That's not fair.
10:38I don't want to be in the army.
10:40Calm down, calm down.
10:41The army never hurt anybody.
10:43It'll do you a lot of good.
10:44It'll make a man out of you.
10:49What I mean is we'll rectify this mistake just as soon as possible.
10:52I'll get your complete file here.
10:54We'll wire all the facts to the Pentagon in Washington.
10:57And they'll straighten it out in no time.
10:59Let's see.
11:00Carmichael.
11:01Carmichael.
11:02Carmichael.
11:03Ah, here we are.
11:04Carmichael.
11:05Lucy...
11:07Wait a minute.
11:09You are definitely not supposed to be in the army.
11:12Of course not.
11:14You're in the Marines.
11:28I feel naked.
11:30I think they used a lawnmower on me.
11:44What are you bawling about, Mac?
11:47My hair.
11:48They cut off my hair.
11:51So what?
11:52They cut mine, too, and mine was longer than yours.
11:57All right, you guys.
11:59Put your hats on and pull in.
12:09Count off.
12:10One.
12:11Two.
12:12Three.
12:13Four.
12:14Five.
12:15Six.
12:16Seven.
12:17Eight.
12:18Nine.
12:19Ten.
12:20Okay.
12:21Okay.
12:22Who's the wise guy with the phony voice?
12:23It's me, and I'm not a guy.
12:24I'm a girl.
12:25A girl?
12:26I told you the Marine Corps is better than the army.
12:30Okay, knock it off.
12:32What you're doing here?
12:33No, I'm here because of a mistake.
12:35It better be a mistake.
12:37What happened?
12:38Well, I was working with my boss, you know,
12:40Saturday morning in my apartment,
12:42and that's because I missed my coffee break,
12:44and, well, we had to work.
12:45Anyway, I got this draft notice,
12:47and it was for a Lucy Carmichael,
12:50and my name is Lucy Carmichael, and I'm a girl.
12:52And Lucy Carmichael is a man, I guess.
12:56Unless maybe Lou is short for Louise.
12:58In that case, boy, there's really been a mistake made,
13:00because...
13:01Very good point!
13:03But I don't belong here, sir.
13:06Please let me go home.
13:07Look, I can't even let me go home.
13:11But it's all a big mistake.
13:13I can see that, but I gotta follow regulations.
13:17Take your case up with a lieutenant.
13:19He'll take it up with a captain.
13:21He'll take it up with a major.
13:22He'll take it up with a general,
13:24and he'll take it up with a pentagon.
13:26And what happens then?
13:28I don't know.
13:29I never get past the lieutenant.
13:33But, Sergeant...
13:34But until we hear from the pentagon,
13:37you're gonna be treated like every other guy in this outfit.
13:41A regulation is a regulation.
13:44I got orders to make marines out of you boots,
13:47and that's what I'm gonna do.
13:49All in!
13:51We're gonna start with the manual of arms.
13:55Carmichael!
13:56Why didn't you get a rival?
13:58Because I think it's silly for me to go through all this physical training.
14:06Oh, now you did it.
14:07Now you did it.
14:15Good point!
14:16You ruined my manicure.
14:21What do you think you're doing?
14:23I'm putting on my gloves.
14:24I paid $2 for that manicure.
14:26Plus a 50-cent tip.
14:29Yellow gloves are not regulation.
14:31Well, neither am I regulation.
14:33Okay, okay!
14:35Just get back in line!
14:40There's no need to yell.
14:42Just follow orders, and I won't yell.
14:45Now, men, your rifle is your best friend.
14:48You take care of it, it will take care of you.
14:51And remember, a dirty rifle is a no-good rifle.
14:55So the first thing to do is to make sure your rifle is safe and clean.
15:00So, check your rifle.
15:06Carmichael!
15:08Carmichael!
15:10Pick up that rifle!
15:13I don't want to.
15:17I said pick up that rifle!
15:22I will pick up that rifle when I get good and ready.
15:37Are you ready?
15:39Yeah, I'm ready.
15:44Sergeant Pierce, front center, please.
15:47Now, listen.
15:48The sergeant's going to go through the basic moves of the manual of arms while I call off the orders.
15:54And he's only going to do it once.
15:56So you better be sure you watch close, because I expect you guys to do it perfect.
16:00All right, sergeant!
16:02Present arms!
16:05Order arms!
16:08Right shoulder arms!
16:11Left shoulder arms!
16:15Order arms!
16:20Present arms!
16:22Now, any questions?
16:24Yes, can I see him do it one more time?
16:29That was it, Carmichael! Thank you, sergeant!
16:32Well, I certainly didn't get very much out of that snappy little drill, did you?
16:36Were you able to get that that fast, for heaven's sake?
16:41Attention!
16:44Present arms!
16:49Order arms!
16:53Right shoulder arms!
16:57Boo!
17:04Carmichael! With you in the service, we'll run out of purple hearts in a week!
17:10Fall in!
17:12Terribly sorry.
17:13All right, now.
17:15What's the last thing we did?
17:18I hit him in the head, and then I hit him in the stomach.
17:21I don't mean that!
17:23Where were we in the manual of arms?
17:25Right shoulder arms, sir.
17:27Right shoulder arms!
17:32Left shoulder arms!
17:37Order arms!
17:41Oh!
17:52Sergeant, you're supposed to be teaching these men the manual of arms, not square dancing!
17:59Right shoulder arms!
18:07Right shoulder arms!
18:14Right shoulder arms!
18:17Right shoulder arms!
18:24Carmichael, you're supposed to be at attention!
18:27I am at attention! My field pack's at ease!
18:31Ground your packs!
18:39Come on!
18:41And on your feet, Carmichael! It was only a 12-mile hike!
18:45It was only a 12-mile hike!
18:50Come on! Come on!
18:53Come in! This is the obstacle course!
18:56Yeah, I can see that. And, Sergeant, I want to tell you,
18:59this is ridiculous, making me go through this obstacle course.
19:03I am not going to be here...
19:05Until we hear from the Pentagon, you're just another Marine.
19:10And you're going to do everything that every other Marine does.
19:14Now, listen...
19:15Well, I'm not going to wear this helmet.
19:18It's too noisy.
19:20Noisy?
19:21Yeah, bangs against my earring.
19:27The helmet stays on, the earrings come off!
19:32The earrings come off!
19:35Okay, if you don't care how anybody looks in this chicken outfit...
19:43Pick up that helmet!
19:46Pick it up!
19:57Now then!
19:59First thing we're going to do in the obstacle course is a tire routine.
20:03You'll line up here in a single file and go through the tires.
20:06Come on now, on the double!
20:08Come on, let's go!
20:10On the double!
20:11Look alive, Carmichael! Come on, let's go!
20:15On the double!
20:16That's it! Come on!
20:17Step it up! Step it up! Step it up! Step it up!
20:19Come on, come on!
20:20Hit the hole, Carmichael!
20:24Don't drag it! Get rid of it!
20:32Carmichael, if we could use you as a secret weapon, we could rule the world!
20:46All right, men, now the ladder!
20:48Everybody jump up, grab it around and go over, hand over hand!
20:52Come on, snap it up!
20:54Get alive, get alive! Come on, come on!
20:58Come on, look alive!
21:07Help! Help! Help!
21:21Don't look at me! Turn around! Don't be ashamed of yourself!
21:25Turn around! Turn around!
21:29You men line up over by the landing net!
21:33Carmichael, when you pull yourself together,
21:37would you be so kind as to join us over at the landing net?
21:43Yes, I'll be so kind as to join you!
21:47Come in!
21:49We have one thing left in the obstacle course, and that is the landing net.
21:54Half of you go around that way, and half of you go around this way.
21:57Come on, look alive, look alive!
22:02Up you go, over you go, and down the front!
22:06Oh, are you kidding?
22:09Carmichael, here we go! Go!
22:13Come on!
22:15Up you go, over you go, and down the front!
22:20Up you go, and over you go, and down the front!
22:23Good deal!
22:25Come on, hurry up, hurry up!
22:28Hurry up, hurry up!
22:40Grab the rope! Grab the rope!
22:43That's it! Now pull your legs out!
22:46Pull your legs out!
22:55Sergeant!
22:59Marines...
23:01do not fight piggyback!
23:06Mrs. Carmichael! Mrs. Carmichael, where are you?
23:09I'm up here!
23:10Good heavens! What are you doing up there?
23:12Come down at once! Put her down, sir!
23:14The idea! Come on! There you go!
23:17Mrs. Carmichael, I have wonderful news for you!
23:19What?
23:20Here's your discharge from the Marine Corps.
23:22Isn't it effective immediately? Starting first thing tomorrow morning,
23:26you come back to work for me.
23:28Mr. Mooney...
23:31I want you to have this.
23:33What's that?
23:34My medal for bravery!
23:36You deserve it more than I do!
23:44Well, this is great, but it doesn't mention my being a woman.
23:47I know, they didn't care about that.
23:49I got you out because of your dependents, your two children.
23:52Oh!
23:54Oh, boy, I've made military history.
23:56Oh?
23:57Yeah, I think I'm the first Marine ever to get out of the service because it was a mother.
24:05Goodbye, Sarge.
24:07Well, I can't say I'm sorry to see you go, but at least there's one consolation.
24:11What's that?
24:13After trying to train you, I can't possibly ever get a bigger knucklehead in my...
24:25Oh!
24:33What'd you say?
24:34They sent me over here as Carmichael's replacement.
24:37Good luck, buddy.
24:54THE END
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