The Lucy Show-S5E1: Lucy With George Burns
30min | Comedy | TV Series (1962–1968)
When visiting the bank as a customer, George Burns finds out that Lucy is instinctively funny and asks her to become a partner in his show. Mr. Mooney, who thinks this is an opportunity to get rid of her, accepts being her agent. The show opens in Santa Monica, where the new pair appear in a Burns and Allen-style act. George Burns is the straight man and Lucy the comedienne, who delivers the punchlines.
Creators: Bob Carroll Jr., Madelyn Davis, Bob Schiller
Stars: Lucille Ball, Gale Gordon, Vivian Vance
30min | Comedy | TV Series (1962–1968)
When visiting the bank as a customer, George Burns finds out that Lucy is instinctively funny and asks her to become a partner in his show. Mr. Mooney, who thinks this is an opportunity to get rid of her, accepts being her agent. The show opens in Santa Monica, where the new pair appear in a Burns and Allen-style act. George Burns is the straight man and Lucy the comedienne, who delivers the punchlines.
Creators: Bob Carroll Jr., Madelyn Davis, Bob Schiller
Stars: Lucille Ball, Gale Gordon, Vivian Vance
Category
😹
FunTranscript
00:00The Lucy Show Starring Lucille Ball
00:16Co-Starring Gail Gordon
00:21Co-Starring Matthew Dixon
00:26Co-Starring Paul McCartney
00:31Co-Starring Larry Friedman
00:36Co-Starring James McFarlane
00:41Co-Starring Ted Wilson
00:46Mr. Burns, now then, what can I do for you?
01:02I stopped by to pick up my dividend statement.
01:05Ah, yes.
01:06Well, my secretary has your files.
01:07You'll be right back.
01:08Fine.
01:09Do you smoke cigars, Mr. Mooney?
01:12Yes.
01:13Yes, I do.
01:14Yes.
01:15Can I have one?
01:17Jack Benny always pulls that on me.
01:26Very funny.
01:30Some actors have to be on all the time.
01:32So I've heard.
01:33Oh, that could be very annoying.
01:35I could never be like that.
01:36I think it's unprofessional.
01:38I say, once an actor walks off the stage, he should leave his work there and be like
01:42everybody else.
01:43Ah, very commendable.
01:44mandible I'm going to relax like Irving Berlin said in that song many years ago
01:48lazy I want to be lazy I want to just lay in the Sun with no work to be done
01:53yes I remember that
01:55under that awning they call the sky
01:57stretching and yawning
01:59you'll let the world go dripping by
02:01I want to peep
02:03in the deep tangle while we're
02:05counting sheep while I sleep
02:07like a child would
02:09with a great big beliefs full
02:11of books to read while it's peaceful
02:13while I'm killing time
02:15being lazy now Mr. Mooney
02:17laughter
02:19applause
02:21applause
02:23applause
02:25maybe I can find your fire
02:27Mr. Burns it should be here under the bees
02:29Martin Miller
02:31Monson Murph
02:33laughter
02:35under the bees
02:37maybe we'd better wait for my secretary
02:39I hope you don't mind waiting
02:41think nothing of it
02:43now that I'm not doing an act anymore
02:45all I've got is time on my hands
02:47you and me both
02:49nothing but love in view
02:51hand in my ball
02:53once and for all
02:55I'll see my dreams come true
02:57moments to spare for someone
02:59excuse me Mr. Burns
03:01I will hear you
03:03I hope you
03:05time on my hands
03:07you and me both
03:09laughter
03:11Mr. Mooney don't be embarrassed
03:13nobody ever lets me finish a song
03:15would you care for another cigarette
03:17oh no no go right on with your work
03:19I'll just sit here and look at the stock report
03:21oh yes
03:23my I envy you Mr. Burns
03:25how's that? well being able to retire
03:27in the prime of your life just sit back
03:29and to collect dividends
03:31well that might be true about some people
03:33but not about me it kills me not to
03:35be doing an act well why did you stop working
03:37well I've always liked to work with women
03:39I had a great act going with Carol Channing
03:41and then she left me she went into Hello Dolly
03:43and then I did an act with Dorothy Brovine
03:45and then she went into television
03:47and Connie Stevens went into pictures
03:49well why don't you find some other girl to work with you
03:51Mr. Mooney
03:53comedians are not that easy to find
03:55gotta find a girl with a kind of a
03:57pixie personality eccentric way out
03:59a real kook a girl like that
04:01is very very hard to find
04:03here are the contracts Mr. Mooney
04:05well it's about time you got here
04:07I've been trying to find Mr. Burns' file
04:09oh
04:11oh
04:13George Burns
04:15how do you do
04:17oh you've been a favorite of mine for years
04:19oh thank you
04:21oh I used to watch you all the time
04:23on radio
04:27you watched me on radio?
04:29I mean I used to listen to you
04:31on television
04:33you used to listen to me on television
04:35yeah that was the year my picture tube went out
04:37you should have gone back to watching me on radio
04:41oh you say the funniest thing
04:43Mrs. Charmichael
04:47I've been trying to find Mr. Burns' file
04:49it is not under the B's
04:51oh I must have put it under the X's
04:55why would you put the B file under the X's
04:57that poor little file never has anything in it
05:03well where is it
05:05well I don't know wait a minute
05:07oh I bet I know what I did
05:09you see Mr. Burns
05:11I always have trouble remembering names
05:13so I took a course in word association
05:15now
05:17Burns reminds me of
05:19fire
05:21so you filed it under the F's
05:23no fire reminds me of stove
05:25so you put my file under the S's
05:27no stove reminds me of pot roast
05:29it's your turn
05:33you filed it under the P's
05:35no pot roast reminds me of
05:37noodles
05:39Mrs. Charmichael you're making me
05:41angry
05:43you're making me hungry
05:47noodles reminds me of my mother
05:49it's your turn
05:51noodles remind you of your mother
05:53yeah she made the best noodles
05:55and I bet that's where I put your file
05:57under noodles
05:59no under gravy
06:01Mrs. Charmichael I don't know what I'm going to do with you
06:03I know what I'm going to do with her
06:05start a whole new career
06:07Mrs. Charmichael
06:09yes sir
06:11have you ever thought about going on the stage
06:13oh all my life
06:17how would you like to do an act with me
06:19oh Mr. Burns you can't be serious
06:21I know it that's why I want to get
06:23back on the stage
06:25oh
06:27what do you say
06:29nice of you Mr. Burns but I couldn't do that
06:31I couldn't quit my job here
06:33why not
06:39because it wouldn't be fair to you Mr. Mooney
06:41you need me
06:43good help is hard to find
06:45well I'd be delighted to start looking
06:49Mrs. Charmichael this is a great opportunity
06:51for you to make a lot of money
06:53yes I know it does sound like a wonderful
06:55opportunity
06:57oh and you know today
06:59my horoscope said that my
07:01my whole future was going to take a
07:03turn for the better
07:05so did mine
07:09how much would I make
07:11well it's unprofessional
07:13for an artist to discuss money
07:15that's usually handled by your agent
07:17someone who handles your financial matters
07:19oh Mr. Mooney usually handles all my
07:21financial things
07:23yes and I'd be delighted to represent you
07:25would you
07:27yes indeed for the customary
07:2920%
07:3110% is customary
07:33oh 10
07:37well you see I'm new to show business
07:41you two talk it over and when you decide
07:43on what you want you can get together with my agent
07:45fine fine
07:47here's my address be at my apartment tonight
07:49and we can start rehearsing
07:51your apartment
07:53nice and quiet there
07:55nobody will bother us
07:57well I hardly know you
07:59Mr. Burns
08:01going to your apartment
08:03you and show business and all
08:05Mrs. Carmichael
08:07you don't have to worry about a man like Mr. Burns
08:09she does too
08:17I don't mean that you aren't a gentleman Mr. Burns
08:19I just meant that
08:21well I meant you're a man
08:23and if I go to your apartment people might talk
08:25what people
08:27there won't be any people there
08:29when I talk nobody believes it anymore
08:33I'll see you tonight
08:35bye Mrs. Carmichael
08:37bye Mr. Mooney
08:51good evening Mr. Burns
08:53good evening come on in
08:55thank you
08:57oh
08:59what a lovely apartment
09:01well I'm glad you like it
09:03oh it's so beautiful
09:05are you ready to try a little rehearsal
09:07oh yes I can hardly wait to find out what I do on the stage
09:09first you've got to learn how to get on the stage
09:11oh yes sir
09:13making an entrance is very important
09:15oh
09:17now let's see where are we
09:19this will be center stage
09:21is that the audience out there
09:23that's the audience
09:25now we're introduced over the house
09:27ladies and gentlemen here they are
09:29George Burns and Lucy Carmichael
09:33now the orchestra plays our entrance music
09:35oh what is our entrance music
09:37some of these days
09:39now let's make our entrance
09:41now you walk out just like I do
09:43now here they are ladies and gentlemen
09:45George Burns and Lucy Carmichael
09:47now there's music
09:49and I'm walking out and I'm bowing
09:51and I get to the center of the stage
09:53and when I get to the center of the stage
09:55sorry
09:57honey you walked out too fast
09:59oh
10:01well I guess I've waited so long to go on stage
10:03that I was kind of in a hurry
10:05you belong over there
10:07oh over here
10:09that's it now we'll start
10:11well Lucy say hello
10:13hello
10:15now to me to the audience
10:17oh
10:19hello
10:21don't look down at the audience
10:23the people in the back can't see you
10:25oh
10:27uh hello
10:29now I'll tell you a trick
10:31especially when you're new and you might be self conscious
10:33you look out at the audience
10:35but you don't see them
10:37you sort of look past them
10:39oh well now
10:41well Lucy say hello
10:43hello
10:45very good
10:47thank you
10:49do that again
10:51hello
10:53what's that
10:55what is that business
10:57oh
10:59a little curtsy
11:01I saw Ginger Rogers do that on the Late Late Show last night
11:03yeah I saw her on the show
11:05she's my favorite my very favorite
11:07she's very good
11:09Fred Astaire was in the picture too
11:11it's a wonderful picture
11:13you know at the beginning of it Fred was an ambitious young dancer
11:15playing in a show in Muncie Indiana
11:17have you ever been in Muncie
11:19I was close there
11:21oh well Ginger Rogers is one of the chorus girls in the picture
11:23and Fred's up there dancing away
11:25you know and Ginger's in back of him
11:27kicking with the girls you know
11:29and she accidentally kicks Fred
11:31and the people laugh and Fred is very embarrassed
11:33you know and then the girls go off stage
11:35and Ginger starts for her dressing room
11:37and Fred comes off stage
11:39and Fred grabs her and starts bawling her out
11:41and that poor little thing is on the verge of tears
11:43she's hurt
11:45not her him
11:47oh him
11:49it hurt where she kicked him
11:51and he tells her
11:53she's nothing but a clumsy clown
11:55with two left feet
11:57and he calls her a no talent nitwit
11:59and then she calls him
12:01a swell headed nincompoop
12:03and that's when they realize
12:05that they really love each other
12:07and so later that night
12:09he goes over to her apartment to apologize
12:11for bawling her out you know
12:13and he knocks on the door
12:17he knocks on the door
12:21if that's Fred Astaire
12:23I'm giving up cigars
12:25come in
12:29oh good evening
12:31nice to see you
12:33I hope you don't mind my dropping by
12:35I'd like to deal
12:37and to see how my client is getting along
12:39we've been rehearsing a little bit
12:41Mr. Burns is teaching me how to say hello
12:45hello
12:47oh my that's very good
12:51you'll be worth a lot of money this girl
12:53I don't discuss money
12:55I like to talk to my agent
12:57hello
12:59save it until after we've made a deal
13:01by the way Mr. Mooney
13:03I hope you don't think I'm taking advantage of you
13:05how's that
13:07well show business is new to you and you'll be dealing with a man
13:09who's had a lot of experience in theatrical deals
13:11well what's the difference money is money
13:13and after all a man with my vast
13:15banking and financial experience
13:17it may be that your agent
13:19will be the one who is at a disadvantage
13:21no no my agent is very good
13:23at money matters
13:25excuse me
13:29hello
13:31your agent's calling
13:33good put him on
13:35hello George this is Jack
13:37laughter
13:39applause
13:41applause
13:43time Mrs. Carmichael's agent
13:45is here right now
13:47fine let me talk to him
13:49good here he is his name is Mooney
13:51Mr. Mooney
13:53hey Mr. Mooney my agent
13:55what's his name
13:57Benny Jack Benny
13:59laughter
14:01Jack Benny is your agent
14:03laughter
14:05laughter
14:07laughter
14:09laughter
14:11applause
14:13we'll be fair to you
14:15we will not
14:17I'll handle this you just get us
14:19booked someplace
14:21I got you a break in date for tomorrow night
14:23at a club in Santa Monica
14:25we open tomorrow night at a club in Santa Monica
14:27oh that's wonderful
14:29great the bookers from
14:31Vegas will be in to see you and I
14:33so I hope they act good
14:35don't worry she'll be fine
14:37I mean you
14:39laughter
14:41music
14:45and now ladies and gentlemen
14:47George Burns
14:49and Lucy Carmichael
14:51applause
14:53applause
14:55applause
14:57applause
14:59applause
15:01hello
15:03laughter
15:05well now that you're on the stage what are you going to do
15:07oh well when I was in the beauty parlor
15:09this afternoon I heard a wonderful joke
15:11would you like to hear it it had everybody dying laughing
15:13with all I dare
15:15well this one man
15:17looked up and said to the other man
15:19don't ask me I just got here myself
15:21laughter
15:23laughter
15:25laughter
15:27is that the joke
15:29well there was some stuff
15:31ahead of it that I didn't hear
15:33laughter
15:35that's the line they were dying laughing at
15:37I wouldn't tell that if I were you
15:39too old? oh yes it's been
15:41kicked
15:43let's talk about your brother
15:45oh which brother do you want to talk about the one that's married
15:47or the one that's in love
15:49laughter
15:51oh yeah yeah well that's my brother Harry
15:53he's with the FBI
15:55your brother's with the FBI
15:57yeah they picked him up in Kansas City
15:59laughter
16:01so the FBI picked him up
16:03well they had to he couldn't pick himself up
16:05laughter
16:07hasn't your family ever tried to do something
16:09about his drinking
16:11well we sent him to a psychiatrist and the psychiatrist worked
16:13and worked to get to the bottom of Harry's drinking
16:15and finally he found out Harry's
16:17problem what was it
16:19he forgets to drink
16:21laughter
16:23well we all have our reasons
16:25I think Harry drinks to forget
16:27forget what? that he's a kleptomaniac
16:29laughter
16:31Harry was always going into stores and taking things
16:33so you know what my mother did? what?
16:35well she took some adhesive and she taped
16:37his hand shut all but this one finger
16:39taped his hand shut all but that
16:41why? well
16:43so he could play marbles with my other brother
16:45laughter
16:47he could play marbles with one finger
16:49well mother did that to even up the game you see
16:51Harry didn't have all of his fingers and my other
16:53brother didn't have all of his marbles
16:55laughter
16:57laughter
16:59that made the game even
17:01yes it did but when your mother taped
17:03up Harry's hand so that he only had one
17:05finger did this stop his shoplifting
17:07well it helped all he could steal were donuts
17:09laughter
17:11I realized that
17:13it was the donut that broke Harry's
17:15back
17:17laughter
17:19yeah you see he had a donut in his
17:21right hand pocket and he tried to get it out with his
17:23left hand and broke his back
17:25well the next time he's got a donut
17:27in his right hand pocket tell him to try to take
17:29it out with his right hand
17:31well that's kind of hard when you got your pants on backwards
17:33laughter
17:35he had his pants
17:37on backwards? yeah you see Harry had a
17:39suit with two pair of pants and he put one pair
17:41on frontwards and one pair on backwards so that he
17:43could walk either way
17:45that's when the truck hit him
17:47laughter
17:49what truck?
17:51the truck that didn't have its lights on
17:53laughter
17:55well why didn't the man in the truck have his lights on?
17:57well he didn't have to it was daytime
17:59laughter
18:01well if it was daytime
18:03didn't the man in the truck see your
18:05brother coming? he didn't know
18:07was my brother
18:09laughter
18:11oh he saw two pair of pants coming
18:13toward him and he drove right between them
18:15laughter
18:17well that's our music
18:19here
18:21music
18:23music
18:25music
18:27music
18:29music
18:31music
18:33music
18:35music
18:37music
18:39laughter
18:41music
18:43music
18:45music
18:47music
18:49music
18:51music
18:53music
18:55music
18:57music
18:59music
19:01music
19:03music
19:05music
19:07music
19:09music
19:11music
19:13music
19:15music
19:17music
19:19music
19:21music
19:23music
19:25music
19:27music
19:29music
19:31music
19:33music
19:35music
19:37music
19:39music
19:41music
19:43music
19:45music
19:47music
19:49music
19:51music
19:53music
19:55music
19:57music
19:59music
20:01music
20:03music
20:05music
20:07music
20:09music
20:11music
20:13music
20:15music
20:17music
20:19music
20:21music
20:23music
20:25music
20:27music
20:29music
20:31music
20:33music
20:35music
20:37music
20:39music
20:41music
20:43music
20:45music
20:47music
20:49music
20:51music
20:53music
20:55music
20:57music
20:59music
21:01music
21:03music
21:05music
21:07music
21:09music
21:11music
21:13music
21:15music
21:17music
21:19music
21:21music
21:23music
21:25music
21:27music
21:29music
21:31music
21:33music
21:35music
21:37music
21:39music
21:41music
21:43music
21:45music
21:47music
21:49music
21:51music
21:53music
21:55applause
21:59Lucy, you were just great!
22:02Everybody outrying hisself!
22:05Congratulations!
22:06Congratulations, Mike!
22:07Oh, Michael! I couldn't be more proud of you!
22:11Oh, Mr Moody, that's the first time you've ever kissed me!
22:15Well, banking and show business are different.
22:18You know this girl is sensational
22:20and the men from Las Vegas have offered $10,000 for the act.
22:24$10,000!
22:26They'll go as high as 15 if you won't sing.
22:28Ah!
22:29Ha ha ha ha ha!
22:32We'll take the 10!
22:34Ha ha ha ha!
22:34Did you hear that, Lo?
22:35She was going to Vegas!
22:36Oh, that's just wonderful!
22:38You know, this is like what happened to Ginger Rogers
22:40in that picture last night.
22:42The producer saw her on the stage.
22:44She got an offer to go to Vegas,
22:45but she'd been with Fred so long
22:47that she didn't want to be...
22:49Ha ha ha ha!
22:51Oh!
22:52Oh, Mr. Burns, I can't go.
22:54Why not?
22:55Oh, because I can't leave Mr. Mooney.
22:58Oh!
22:59Ha ha ha ha!
23:00But I want you to go.
23:03Oh, no you don't.
23:04You need me.
23:06I don't need you.
23:07I want you to leave.
23:08Oh, I couldn't leave you any more
23:11than Ginger could leave Fred.
23:13Not even when Fred pretended to be mad
23:15and said things that were very nasty
23:17to make her mad.
23:18Mrs. Carmichael, please get it through your head.
23:20I want you to go with Mr. Burns.
23:22My life would be happier without you.
23:25Happier!
23:26Happier!
23:27Ha ha ha ha!
23:28That's just what Fred said
23:30because he didn't want to stand in her way.
23:32But Ginger knew that Fred needed her
23:34just like you need me, Mr. Mooney.
23:36Now, now, now.
23:38Ha ha ha ha!
23:39Mr. Burns, it just wouldn't work.
23:41I couldn't be funny out on the stage
23:43thinking about Mr. Mooney back in the bank
23:45trying to get along without me.
23:47Mr. Mooney, you must be a wonderful man.
23:49How do you inspire such loyalty?
23:52I don't know what I've done to deserve this.
23:54Ha ha ha ha!
23:56Well, I hope you're not mad at me, Mr. Burns.
23:58What for?
23:59This is the story of my life.
24:01But what about the engagement at Las Vegas?
24:03Well, now that I don't have a girl,
24:05I guess we'll have to pass up the $10,000.
24:08Oh, I'm just awfully sorry about it,
24:10but, you know, Mr. Burns, Mr. Mooney has...
24:15What are you doing?
24:16Ha ha ha ha!
24:18If you think I'm going to let $10,000 go down the drain,
24:21you are crazy.
24:23♪ Some of these days
24:27♪ There's one that's easy
24:31♪ There's one that's easy
24:35♪ There's one that's easy for me
24:38Ho! Ho! Ho!
24:40Ho!
25:08© BF-WATCH TV 2021