The Lucy Show-S5E2: Lucy And The Submarine
30min | Comedy | TV Series (1962–1968)
Mr. Mooney leaves the office for two weeks of training in the Naval Reserve, but forgets to sign some important papers. Lucy tracks him to the submarine on which he will sail on maneuvers and, dressing as a sailor boards the ship in an attempt to get him to sign the document. The submarine leaves for sea before Lucy can leave the vessel and she's forced to pretend that she's just another sailor.
Creators: Bob Carroll Jr., Madelyn Davis, Bob Schiller
Stars: Lucille Ball, Gale Gordon, Vivian Vance
30min | Comedy | TV Series (1962–1968)
Mr. Mooney leaves the office for two weeks of training in the Naval Reserve, but forgets to sign some important papers. Lucy tracks him to the submarine on which he will sail on maneuvers and, dressing as a sailor boards the ship in an attempt to get him to sign the document. The submarine leaves for sea before Lucy can leave the vessel and she's forced to pretend that she's just another sailor.
Creators: Bob Carroll Jr., Madelyn Davis, Bob Schiller
Stars: Lucille Ball, Gale Gordon, Vivian Vance
Category
😹
FunTranscript
00:00The Lucy Show.
00:12Starring Lucille Ball.
00:18Co-starring Gail Gordon.
00:49The station!
00:56Well, a fine sailor you'd make.
00:59Mr. Mooney!
01:01Lieutenant Commander Mooney, USNR.
01:04You joined the Navy?
01:06No, no, but I've been in the reserve for years.
01:10Oh!
01:11Yes, I'm in this uniform because I report for duty today.
01:14You mean you're leaving the bank?
01:17Oh, don't get your hopes up.
01:21No, I'm just going on a two-week training cruise.
01:24Oh.
01:25But I shall return.
01:27Oh, good.
01:29Meanwhile, when I'm gone, I want this office kept ship-shape.
01:32You understand that, sailor?
01:33Yes, sir.
01:34All right, let's start with a clean sweep down for an ass!
01:38How's that?
01:39Pick up the letters!
01:47May I remind you that you are using my dress sword!
02:11Yes, sir, I'm sorry, sir.
02:13I'm sorry.
02:18You know, Mr. Mooney, you look very handsome and very distinguished in that uniform.
02:24So manly.
02:27What a change.
02:33I know what you mean.
02:35My wife said the same thing.
02:38You do look very military.
02:40What did you get that ribbon for?
02:43That's the victory medal.
02:46Oh.
02:47You know, you're so modest.
02:49You never even told me you were in the war.
02:51Mrs. Carmichael, there are some things a man doesn't like to talk about.
02:56Oh, I understand.
02:58Don't you say another word.
03:01But there were times when things got pretty rough out there.
03:08They sent us to do a job and we did it, fighting men and fighting ships.
03:13Oh, yes, I remember once on the sub.
03:16On the sub?
03:17The submarine.
03:18You were on a submarine?
03:20Oh, yes, yes.
03:22The SS Porpoise.
03:26Yes.
03:27Once in the South Pacific, I had the con on the dog watch.
03:30Suddenly, my sharp eyes caught a glimpse of the enemy fleet.
03:32Did I panic?
03:33No!
03:34I sounded the alarm for a crash dive.
03:37I gave the order for periscope depth and we closed for battle.
03:40I zeroed in on an enemy ship.
03:42Fire one!
03:45I ordered calmly.
03:48Torpedo away, came the answer.
03:50A moment later, we heard her hit home.
03:53We surfaced.
03:54I rushed to the bridge, manned the machine gun and began firing at the enemy aircraft.
04:02Got him!
04:06You got him?
04:08Well, boy.
04:11Oh, are you going to command the same ship this time?
04:14Command?
04:15Oh, well, you know how the Navy is.
04:18Experience doesn't really count for anything.
04:21No, I'm just going to be another fighting man assigned to a dreary desk.
04:28Oh, I'm sorry to hear that, Mr. Mooney.
04:31That doesn't seem fair.
04:33Well, that's the way it goes.
04:35Well, I better get things squared away around here before I shove off.
04:38Yes, Mr. Cheever called and said to be sure and sign the Wilson trust papers before you go.
04:42They're very important.
04:43Oh, yes.
04:44Well, you get them for me, please.
04:45Yes, sir.
04:46They're right here in the safe.
04:47Good.
04:48Mr. Mooney, couldn't you apply for a transfer to a fighting ship?
04:52Well, that would take too much time.
04:55But if they need me, I'm ready.
04:58I'm going to run that desk like a taut ship.
05:01There'll be no gold-bricking in my office.
05:03When I give an order, those sailors are going to hop to it
05:06and stand at attention when you're being addressed by a superior officer.
05:10Yes, sir.
05:11All right, now get those papers.
05:12Yes, sir.
05:16There they are, sir.
05:17Mrs. Carmichael.
05:18Yes, sir.
05:19Were you raised in a barn?
05:21No, sir. I was raised in Jamesburg.
05:22Then close that safe!
05:37You bent my sword!
05:41Harold, I'm sorry. I'll fix it here.
05:43Never mind!
05:44That's enough damage already!
05:46I'll straighten it out for you, Mr. Mooney.
05:48Good evening, Ted.
05:49Oh, hello, Bill.
05:51You ready to go?
05:52Just about, yes, sir.
05:53Oh, that's my secretary, Mrs. Carmichael.
05:55Mrs. Carmichael, Commander Moore.
05:57How do you do, Mrs. Carmichael?
05:58I just stopped by to take Ted down to the base.
06:00Oh, how nice.
06:01Did you get assigned to a dreary desk job, too?
06:05No, not exactly.
06:06Mrs. Carmichael, he is the commander of a submarine.
06:10Oh, wonderful, wonderful.
06:12Don't you think it's terrible what they did to Mr. Mooney
06:14after all of his years of experience?
06:17What's this?
06:18Never mind, Mrs. Carmichael.
06:20Now, don't be modest.
06:23Didn't he tell you what he did on his ship during the war?
06:27Ship?
06:29I thought you were the housing officer in Wichita.
06:33Well, yes, for a while, just outside of Wichita.
06:41But he was also a real fighting man on a fighting ship,
06:45on a submarine.
06:46Oh, yes.
06:49He never told me any of this, Ted.
06:51I know, I know I didn't.
06:53Commander, there are certain things
06:55that a man doesn't like to talk about.
06:58Well, a man with your experience
07:00shouldn't be tied down to a desk.
07:02That's what I say.
07:03You keep out of this.
07:06I may be able to pull some strings
07:09and get you down in my submarine.
07:11Down in a submarine?
07:13Well, now, I wouldn't want to put you to any trouble.
07:17Well, I mean to say,
07:18they may be shorthanded down at the housing office.
07:21They may need me.
07:22Oh, nonsense.
07:23Any oddball can handle that job.
07:25That's right, Mr. Mooney.
07:26Let him get another oddball for that job.
07:30You deserve to be on active service.
07:33Now, you go with the commander
07:34and do what's best for the United States Navy.
07:36I'll take care of everything here.
07:38You already have.
07:42Well, Ted, let's shove off
07:44and get some water over our heads.
07:46Bye, Mr. Carmichael.
07:47Goodbye, Commander.
07:48Nice knowing you.
07:50Good luck.
07:51Good luck.
07:52Bye, Mr. Carmichael.
07:53Goodbye, Commander.
07:54Nice knowing you.
07:56Good luck, sir.
07:59Goodbye, Mr. Mooney.
08:01I'll see you when I get back.
08:04If I get back.
08:37Mr. Mooney's office.
08:39Oh, yes, Mr. Cheever.
08:41No, sir.
08:42He just left, sir.
08:43The Wilson papers.
08:46Oh, yes.
08:48Yes, sir.
08:49I know how important they are, sir.
08:51Yes, sir.
08:52You'll have them right away, sir.
08:54Yes, sir.
08:55He forgot to sign the papers.
08:57I put them in here.
08:59What's that combination?
09:0132,000.
09:04Okay.
09:05Okay.
09:06Okay.
09:07Sorry, ma'am.
09:08Nobody's allowed on the base without a pass.
09:10But my boss is in there, and I have some very important papers that he has to sign.
09:15Sorry, ma'am.
09:16But if I don't get these papers to my boss, I'll be in a lot of trouble.
09:20I may even get fired.
09:21Look, lady, if I let you in, I may be fired by a firing squad.
09:26I'm sorry, ma'am.
09:27I'm sorry.
09:29Look, lady, if I let you in, I may be fired by a firing squad.
09:36Jones, William.
09:37Okay.
09:44Mister, please.
09:45Look, I'm not a spy.
09:47Cross my heart.
09:49If I was a spy, I'd have on some sort of a disguise.
09:53Maybe even dye my hair.
09:56I mean a real crazy color.
09:59Now, look, I just got to get these papers signed.
10:01I'll only be in there for a few minutes, Captain.
10:04Seaman, ma'am.
10:06Not without a pass.
10:08Anthony.
10:09Larry.
10:10Okay.
10:11Rush.
10:12Jerry.
10:13Okay.
10:14James.
10:15Chuck.
10:16Okay.
10:25Okay.
10:56♪
11:22Open up.
11:23Gerald.
11:24Jimmy.
11:25Alec.
11:26Okay.
11:27Club.
11:28Auto.
11:29Okay.
11:30Club.
11:31Auto.
11:32Auto club.
11:34♪
11:46Attention.
11:48As you were.
11:50Well, Bill, that was a mighty fine show.
11:54However, I hope your boat isn't better shaped than your coffee.
11:58I hope so, sir.
12:00Oh, may I present my executive officer, Commander Mooney.
12:03How do you do, Commander?
12:05Mooney hasn't been aboard the sub in some time.
12:07Really?
12:08Part of the mothball navy, huh?
12:11Well, Commander, you should have been at luncheon with us.
12:14We had some fried oysters.
12:19We had some pork chops.
12:22Banana cream pie.
12:25But I imagine you're very anxious to get underway.
12:29Aren't we underway yet?
12:34Well, I hope not.
12:35I have to get off first.
12:36Yes.
12:38Well, let's get on with the inspection.
12:40Yes, sir.
12:41Mooney.
12:42Prepare to get underway.
12:43Me?
12:45Yes, sir.
12:46Aye, aye.
12:47Sir.
12:48Well, you heard what the man said.
12:50Prepare to get underway.
12:56Oh, Mrs. Carmichael, I owe this all to you.
12:59I hope I never see you again.
13:02Well, I didn't mean it quite like that.
13:15Mr. Mooney.
13:18What are you doing here?
13:20You forgot to sign the Wilson Trust Papers.
13:22I did, didn't I?
13:23Yes.
13:24Mr. Cheetham was very upset.
13:25Have you got a pen?
13:26Yes, I have.
13:27Come on.
13:28All right.
13:29My, he was so upset.
13:30Mooney.
13:31Prepare to get underway.
13:32What are you doing in that uniform?
13:34I borrowed it to get through the gate.
13:36If they catch you, they'll shoot you.
13:38Yeah, all right.
13:39I'll just tell them I'm your secretary and you invited me aboard.
13:41Oh, in that uniform, that's fine.
13:43Then they'll shoot both of us.
13:44Get out of here.
13:45Get out.
13:46Come on.
13:47Go, go, go.
13:48Go.
13:58Mr. Mooney.
13:59What?
14:00Bon voyage.
14:01Get out!
14:02Get out!
14:07As you were.
14:08Now, Bill, I'm expecting a bigger showing from you this time.
14:13Yes, sir.
14:14This is a very important training maneuver.
14:15Yes, sir.
14:16Anybody on this big boat expects a promotion in the next 10 years,
14:19they'd better snap to.
14:20Yes, sir.
14:21Mooney.
14:22You heard that?
14:23Snap to.
14:24Yes, sir.
14:25All right, men.
14:26Snap to.
14:27You, sailor.
14:28That means you.
14:29Snap to.
14:30Snap to, sailor.
14:31Get busy.
14:32Get busy.
14:33Get busy.
14:34Believe me.
14:45This is the Admiral secure for General Porter.
15:04This is the Admiral secure for General Porter.
15:11Let's go!
15:20Oh, I'm going to keep my eye on this fish.
15:25Admiral, I can explain everything.
15:27See, there was a malfunction and...
15:31All right, Booby.
15:32Well, you heard what the Admiral said.
15:33He's going to be up there on his barge watching this whole show.
15:36And he's got eyes like a hawk.
15:37Yeah, but, Commander...
15:38I don't want any excuses! I want results!
15:40Aye, aye, sir. Yes, sir. Result.
15:43Oh, this is all your fault!
15:44Well, I didn't...
15:45I don't want excuses! I want results!
15:47Get out of here! Get out! Get out! Hurry up!
16:05I can't get it open.
16:08I can't get it open.
16:11Well, I'll open it!
16:12I've got to get you out of here before we shove off!
16:14Yes, sir.
16:32I think we already shoved off.
16:34Now I've got to hide you somewhere.
16:36If they find you, I will be shot for smuggling a woman aboard!
16:41Yes, I'll be not only shot, but I'll lose my pension!
16:45Where will I hide?
16:47Here! In here! Come through here! Come on! Now, hurry up!
16:50Ouch! Watch your feet!
16:52Watch your...
16:53And your head.
16:56Where will I hide in here?
16:57I don't know.
16:58Commander Booby, report to the chart room.
17:01Chart room?
17:02Where's that?
17:03I don't know where it is. Here, over here.
17:04Look, wonderful place to hide. Right in there.
17:06In there?
17:07Yes, come on. Get in there.
17:08You sure?
17:09Yes, that'll be fine. That's good. Get in there.
17:11That's fine. Fine. Good.
17:14You won't forget me, will you?
17:16Oh, no. Of course not.
17:21Mr. Booby!
17:24Now what?
17:25What is this? I'm hiding in a garbage chute?
17:28No, it's just a torpedo tube.
17:31Torpedo tube?
17:32Get me out!
17:33Get me out!
17:34Get me out!
17:35Get me out!
17:37Get over here! Get in the bunk!
17:39Pretend you're a sailor!
17:40Is that a torpedo?
17:42Yes, but don't pay any attention to her.
17:43What do you mean, don't pay any attention?
17:44Get in there!
17:45Please!
17:46That's it. Get in there.
17:47Now you stay put.
17:48I don't like it here.
17:49Shh!
17:50Are you in trouble, son?
17:51Oh, uh, no, no.
17:55Just one of our new men is a little shy of the torpedoes.
17:59Oh, don't worry about a thing, mate.
18:01Them are practice torpedoes.
18:03They ain't even loaded.
18:05If they aren't loaded, they're supposed to be shot from the bottom of the dump hole.
18:09I, uh, sir, yeah.
18:11You, uh, you be quiet and remain right there, sailor.
18:20Well, I'm going to get me some sack time while the getting is good.
18:23Yes, sir.
18:25Don't get a chance to get much sack time around here.
18:28I'll tell you one thing, pally.
18:31I sure can't wait till we get a leave.
18:34That's the one thing I need is a nice, long leave.
18:38I met a blondie the other night that is really gorgeous.
18:43What do you think?
18:46That's right.
18:49Stay in touch with me, pal.
18:52Because the next time I see her, I'll ask her if she's got a good-looking chick for you.
18:56Would you like a date like that?
19:00Oh, boy.
19:02Talking about good-looking chicks.
19:04You should have seen the redhead I spotted down at the gate this morning.
19:07A real sharp chick.
19:08Big blue eyes, nice little nose, nice long legs.
19:13Boy, a swinging chick.
19:17Hey, how would you like a date with something like that?
19:22That's exactly the way I feel.
19:25Hey, you know something?
19:27I like you.
19:29You and I are going to get along just great.
19:32You're my kind of guy.
19:33You know what you're talking about.
19:38I found a blondie.
19:40Sailor, report to the radar officer.
19:43Me, sir?
19:44Yeah.
19:45I'm the cook.
19:46Well, he's hungry.
19:47Come on, on the double, on the double.
19:50There you go.
19:51That's right.
19:52Now take your gear and get out of here.
19:53That's it.
19:54Hurry up.
19:55Hurry up.
19:56He's very hungry.
19:57Go.
19:58That's it.
19:59Go, go, go.
20:00I found a great place for you to hide.
20:01Come on.
20:02Never mind.
20:03We'll just hurry before they take her down.
20:04Come on.
20:05Take her down?
20:06Yes, we're going to dive.
20:07Dive?
20:08Dive?
20:09Yes, but now don't get frantic.
20:10There's nothing to panic about.
20:11Don't be afraid.
20:12Dive.
20:13Dive.
20:14Dive.
20:16Dive.
20:17Dive.
20:18Dive.
20:19Dive.
20:20Dive.
20:21Dive.
20:22Dive.
20:23Dive.
20:24Dive.
20:25Dive.
20:42I'm right to 073.
20:43Right 073.
20:44Remember, Mooney, the Admiral's going to be up there on his barge
20:46watching this whole show.
20:48Yes, sir. Yes, sir.
20:49All right. Snap to it, you men. Snap to it.
20:51Look alive.
20:53There.
21:07What are you doing here?
21:08I'm hungry.
21:09Hungry?
21:11It's my lunchtime.
21:13Mooney, you check the forward compartment?
21:15Oh, yeah. Aye, aye, sir.
21:16Everything secure?
21:17Aye, aye, sir.
21:17All right. Keep your men busy.
21:19Aye, aye, sir.
21:19And that means you, sailor.
21:21You keep busy, sailor.
21:22Do something. Do something. Do something.
21:24No! No!
21:27What do I do?
21:28Well, I...
21:29Here.
21:30Take this.
21:31Pretend you know how to use it.
21:33Going on contact, staring.
21:35Two, three, eight.
21:37Relative.
21:38You know, Mooney, this is the most important torpedo exercise of the year.
21:41We've got to make a good showing.
21:43Yes, sir.
21:44Sonar contact bearing zero, nine, seven.
21:47Relative.
21:48Going pretty fast.
21:49Must be a destroyer.
21:50Oh, yes.
21:54Right.
21:55Two destroyers on the port beam.
22:07Range, 2,500 yards.
22:10Range, 2,500 yards.
22:12Bearing two, two, four.
22:15Bearing two, two, four.
22:18Destroyer's closing.
22:21There it is, Mooney.
22:22Our target ship.
22:24This is what we've been waiting for.
22:27What are you doing there?
22:29Mopping, sir.
22:30Well, get mopping.
22:31This is a torpedo exercise.
22:32We're about to fire one.
22:34Fire one?
22:35Fire one.
22:36Come to run away.
22:50We fired one.
22:57We hit something.
23:01The Admiral's fired.
23:06Prepare to surface.
23:08All ballast tanks, stop all engines.
23:37Commander Moore.
23:38Yes, sir.
23:39Who gave the order to fire that torpedo?
23:42Well, sir.
23:44I did, sir.
23:47Good show.
23:49What's that?
23:51Your crew is more on the ball than I thought, sir.
23:54It is?
23:55It certainly is.
23:57Of all the members of the fleet, your boat was the only one
24:00who saw that I was not flying the proper recognition signal.
24:04And you took action.
24:06Kind of drastic action, but...
24:10I'm going to see that you get a citation,
24:13an extra liberty for all hands.
24:15Well, let's hear it for the Admiral.
24:18Hip hip...
24:19Hooray!
24:20Hooray!
24:21Hip hip...
24:22Hooray!
24:23Hooray!
24:24Hip hip...
24:25Hooray!
24:27Hip hip...
24:28Hooray!
24:34Hip hip...
24:35Hooray!
24:36Hip hip...
24:37Hooray!
24:56Hooray!
24:57Hip hip...
24:58Hooray!
24:59Hip hip...
25:00Hooray!
25:01Hip hip...
25:02Hooray!
25:03Hip hip...
25:04Hooray!
25:05Hip hip...
25:06Hooray!
25:07Hip hip...
25:08Hooray!
25:09Hip hip...
25:10Hooray!
25:11Hip hip...
25:12Hooray!
25:13Hip hip...
25:14Hooray!
25:15Hip hip...
25:16Hooray!
25:17Hip hip...
25:18Hooray!