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00:00I'll see you next time.
00:30Come.
00:41Tom, what was the title of that book you wanted me to get you?
00:43I'm just doing my income tax return.
00:46You haven't got any income.
00:48Exactly.
00:49No, no, no, no.
00:54Mind your own business.
00:55No, no, not applicable, nil.
01:05Signed, Tom Good.
01:08Right.
01:08Takes me a whole week to do mine.
01:10That's because you're illiterate.
01:12Right, now what can I do for you?
01:14I am doing something for you.
01:16What was the title of that library of book you wanted me to pick up?
01:19Ah, yes, the morphology, pathology and gynecology of the domesticated pig.
01:23Sounds like a good read.
01:25Look, mate, I've got a very pregnant pig out in that garden
01:27and when she starts popping, I want to know what to do.
01:29I thought there were people called vets.
01:31There are, but they present things called bills.
01:34Hello, Jerry.
01:35Morning, Barbara.
01:36We were just discussing the mother-to-be.
01:38I suppose you've been knitting little booties for the piglets.
01:41How did you know that pigs had to have their feet kept warm in the first few days?
01:45What?
01:47Yes, many are true words spoken in jest.
01:50It is a fact, actually.
01:51No kidding.
01:52No, no.
01:53Of course, it doesn't always have to be wool.
01:55In the olden days, they used to wrap their trotters in rabbit skins.
01:58They?
01:59Really?
02:01I'm astonished.
02:03You're gullible as well.
02:07That's a cheap victory.
02:09Anything's a cheap victory before nine o'clock in my book.
02:11Yeah, well, you still get your best friend his book, won't you?
02:13I might.
02:13Thanks very much, Jerry.
02:14Now, push off.
02:15We won't cease to get in.
02:15Right?
02:16Radishes, please.
02:16Radishes.
02:17And wallpaper paste.
02:21What are you doing?
02:23We're mixing germinated seeds with wallpaper paste.
02:27Oh, no, no, no, no.
02:28They separate out quite naturally, you see.
02:30You simply squeeze the mixture out into the drills.
02:32With this?
02:34Yeah.
02:35And you must have a whole back-breaking process because no thinning out is needed.
02:37Efficiency is the name of the game.
02:39You can come and watch us plant them if you like, Jerry.
02:41London Bridge in the morning rush hour suddenly seems terribly attractive.
02:45Happy carbon monoxide poisoning.
02:47Thanks.
02:47Happy swine fever.
02:51Yeah.
02:51Hello, Akbar.
03:18Hello, Akbar.
03:19Which way is Mecca, then?
03:24Easterly, I suppose.
03:26Why?
03:27Well, you and your prayer mat, you know.
03:33Oh, I see one of your jokes.
03:35Very good.
03:39Come along, Tom.
03:40Stop annoying Margot.
03:41Thank you, Barbara.
03:44Right.
03:44Two rows of radishes.
03:46Yes.
03:47Two rows of radishes.
03:49Can I have a first squirt?
03:50No.
03:51Why not?
03:51Because you're useless at it.
03:53I remember when you iced my birthday cake, happy birthday,
03:56it came out as poppy biff dog.
03:59It was a good cake, though.
04:00Yes, I know it was.
04:00I made it.
04:03Come along, now.
04:05Yeah, well,
04:06I suppose that's reasonably straight.
04:11Jealous.
04:11Jealous.
04:11Did you cough, Margot?
04:27Huh?
04:28Yes.
04:28Yes.
04:29I know I'm going to regret asking this,
04:31but what are you doing?
04:34Icing the garden.
04:38What are you doing, Barbara?
04:41Planting radishes.
04:42Thank you very much.
04:44I'll be back to my marigold.
04:46No, no, Margot.
04:48Seriously, Margot,
04:48you see,
04:49we've worked out this wonderfully efficient way
04:51of planting seeds,
04:52that's all.
04:53Are you sure you've got the right word?
04:55Positive.
04:56Look, Margot,
04:56you may not have noticed it,
04:57but our whole lifestyle
04:58is geared to efficiency these days.
05:00Nonsense.
05:01You don't even have a television set.
05:03What's that got to do with efficiency?
05:05Very well,
05:08transport.
05:09You haven't got any transport.
05:11Don't have any...
05:12What do you call that?
05:16Junk!
05:17Junk,
05:18let me tell you, Margot,
05:19that trolley will still be going
05:20when your flashy estate car is up for scrap.
05:22Yes, right.
05:23Look at this.
05:24Look at this.
05:25Wonderful.
05:26Built to last, that is.
05:31Oh.
05:34Oh.
05:34I won't crow,
05:36because it's not in my nature.
05:53Uh-huh.
05:54Not long now.
05:55What?
05:56Pinky.
05:57I think she's going to go into labour soon.
05:59Really?
05:59Are you sure?
06:00Well, all the signs are right
06:01according to the big Bible here.
06:02Anyway,
06:03she keeps rolling her eyes
06:03and going old blimey.
06:04Well,
06:05I'd roll my eyes
06:06and go old blimey
06:07if I was going to have
06:07seven or eight kids.
06:08Yeah.
06:09I hope there aren't any complications.
06:10So do I.
06:11I've never been a midwife before.
06:13Where have you been, anyway?
06:14Oh,
06:14nowhere in particular.
06:15I've just solved
06:16our transport problem,
06:17that's all.
06:18Oh, have you?
06:21How?
06:23Come and see.
06:24Oh, my God.
06:38What do you think, Tom?
06:40Hey, Tom?
06:40Hey, Tom, what do you think?
06:43It's a horse.
06:45It's like Quicksilver, your mind?
06:47Yes, of course.
06:48It's a horse.
06:50I can't afford a horse.
06:51But it's a gift.
06:52It's the actual gift horse, Tom,
06:54that you don't look in the mouth.
06:55People do not go around
06:56giving away horses.
06:57Oh, they do, they do, they do,
06:58because Mr. Betts,
06:59the co-man,
07:00offered him to me free.
07:01Why?
07:04Why?
07:05Why?
07:07Why?
07:08Well, because we just got talking,
07:10you know the way you do,
07:10and Mr. Betts has always been
07:12very, very interested
07:13in what we're trying to do,
07:14and Mr. Betts has also
07:16always been rather interested
07:17in my hips,
07:18so I did a bit of, um,
07:20leaning and things,
07:22and he said I could have the horse.
07:25I see.
07:26And when you spend the weekend
07:27with him at his chateau
07:28in Littlehampton?
07:29It's a bungalow,
07:30and we haven't fixed the date yet.
07:32Oh, no, but the thing is, Tom,
07:34you see,
07:34that the horse is getting
07:35a bit long in the tooth anyway,
07:37and Mr. Betts is going
07:38to get a lorry for his cold run.
07:39Now, until I came along,
07:40with my hips, of course,
07:41he was going to retire the horse,
07:43but the thing is,
07:44that he says it would be
07:45ideal for us
07:46if we light work,
07:47and he knows that we'd
07:47look after him properly,
07:48so there you are.
07:51Transport problem solved.
07:54What about fuel?
07:56Horses don't drink petrol.
07:58I know that,
08:00but they eat hay,
08:01don't they, lots of it?
08:01Well, that's easy.
08:03Hay's common.
08:04I mean, it isn't as if
08:04you have to import bamboo shoots
08:06to keep a panda going, is it?
08:07I mean, I've seen hay in pet shops.
08:09So have I,
08:09a 30 pence a handful.
08:11We're talking about
08:12half a ton of horse,
08:13not a hamster,
08:13and what about stabling?
08:15Well, that's no problem.
08:15He can have his own room
08:16in the garage.
08:17Oh, yeah, with his own little bed
08:18and his own little dressing table,
08:19presumably.
08:19Now, there's no need
08:20to be silly.
08:21I'm sorry, now.
08:22You're the one
08:23that's being silly.
08:24It's just not practical, is it?
08:26Mr. Betts says
08:28Brian's got a lovely nature.
08:30Oh, Brian.
08:32The horse's name is Brian.
08:34Yes.
08:34Oh, come and have
08:35another look at him, Tom.
08:36He's lovely.
08:37He might be lovely.
08:38He might be able to knit
08:38and do conjuring tricks,
08:39but he's just not
08:40a practical proposition,
08:40and that is a fact.
08:42But I don't want him as a pet.
08:43I'm not an idiot.
08:45He'd be a,
08:46he'd be a working horse.
08:48That is the point.
08:49There's not enough work
08:50for him to do
08:50to warrant his keep.
08:51I'm sorry, love.
08:52It's a nice idea,
08:52but it's just not efficient, is it?
08:54Is it?
08:59Don't know.
09:02Is it?
09:04Is it?
09:05No.
09:06Now, you know I'm right,
09:08don't you, love?
09:08Yes, I do, so shut up.
09:11Doorbell.
09:12Well, it must be
09:13if you say it is.
09:14You're the one
09:14that's always right.
09:15Hello, Tom.
09:22Hello, Margot.
09:23It's Barbara in here.
09:23Yeah, I do that.
09:24I see you bought
09:25the horse home, Barbara.
09:27Yes.
09:28In that case,
09:30surprise!
09:30Surprise!
09:39Oh, it's too large.
09:41Never mind,
09:42we can always pad the rim
09:43with the telegraph colour supplement
09:45or something.
09:46What is it?
09:46A minus helmet?
09:48You know perfectly well
09:49what it is, Tom.
09:50It is my second best riding hat.
09:52Now, Barbara,
09:53I shall be proposing you
09:54and Mrs. Dooms Patterson
09:56will be seconding you.
09:58What for?
09:59The pony club.
10:01Margot,
10:02I've already told you
10:03it's a working horse.
10:04I know,
10:05but after it's done
10:07all the silly things
10:08you want it for
10:08during the day,
10:09what could be nicer
10:10than an evening hack
10:11along the banks of the Thames
10:13with the pony club?
10:14Almost anything,
10:15I should think.
10:16Implying what, Tom?
10:18Well,
10:18what a mob.
10:20They look like
10:21the French heavy cavalry
10:22at Agincourt.
10:24Thank you very much.
10:25You never stop that lot
10:26with bows and arrows,
10:27I'll tell you.
10:27Now, look, Tom.
10:28Now, there's no point
10:29in going on, both of you.
10:30We aren't keeping
10:30the horse anyway.
10:31Why ever not?
10:33Well, because as Tom
10:33pointed out,
10:34it's just not...
10:35Stop there, Barbara.
10:36I see the whole picture.
10:38You wanted the horse,
10:39but the man said no,
10:41and that's that.
10:42The head of the house
10:43forbade you,
10:43and that's that.
10:44The Victorian patriarch
10:45disapproved,
10:46and that's that.
10:48It's all too familiar.
10:50Who are all these blokes?
10:52You are.
10:55Margot,
10:55you know we've been
10:56friends for years
10:56and sometimes I don't think
10:58you know us at all.
10:59Well, perhaps I know you
11:00too well.
11:01Rubbish.
11:03We all know
11:04that Tom's stupid,
11:05but he's not a tyrant.
11:07Right.
11:08Then why is his word
11:10always law?
11:11Oh, it isn't.
11:11It's just that he happens
11:12to be right about this horse.
11:14Very well, dear.
11:15That's the illusion
11:16you choose to cling on to.
11:18I'll just take my hat
11:19and not say another word.
11:23I will say this, Tom.
11:25The day of the woman
11:26is coming.
11:29Well, there's a cavalry
11:30from the pony club on there,
11:31so I don't know
11:32how they can lose.
11:34You bully.
11:37Charge!
11:40Good old Margot.
11:42She just doesn't
11:43understand that she loves.
11:45She can't see
11:46that sometimes
11:46you are capable
11:47of being totally unfeminine.
11:52Thanks.
11:54Oh, no, no.
11:56I didn't mean unfeminine.
11:57I mean, you're very
11:57feminine, Barbara.
11:58Oh, you're ever so sexy.
11:58Honestly, you are.
11:59You are.
11:59There you are.
12:00You see, you can do it.
12:01Who is it, Jerry?
12:15Who is it?
12:16How the hell
12:17should I know?
12:18Put the chain on
12:20before you open the door.
12:21Shut up.
12:22Sorry, Jerry,
12:33but the pig's in labour.
12:35Well, what do you want
12:36me to do about it?
12:36Hand out cigars?
12:39But you see,
12:39we can't get a light
12:40up to this time.
12:41We wondered
12:41if we could borrow your light,
12:42the one that you use
12:43in the garage,
12:43the one with the long lead.
12:44Yeah, all right.
12:45Go on.
12:46Ever thought of moving?
12:47New Zealand's a nice
12:49long way away.
12:53Go on, go on.
12:55Good girl.
12:56Go on, go on.
12:57Go on.
12:57Good girl.
12:58Good girl.
13:00Five.
13:01Isn't it wonderful,
13:02isn't it?
13:02Marvellous, Jerry.
13:03Yes, I've always wanted
13:04to stand at a pigsty
13:05in the middle of the night.
13:06Will you hold
13:10that light steady?
13:11He's trying to see
13:11what I'm standing in.
13:14How can that matter
13:15at a time like this?
13:16Oh, no, no, no.
13:18Of course,
13:18they're just an old pair
13:19of very expensive slippers,
13:20that's all.
13:21Well, let me see you,
13:22Thomas.
13:22You all right?
13:22Yeah, fine.
13:23No problem.
13:23Go on, girl.
13:24Go on.
13:24Good girl.
13:25Good girl.
13:26That's a good girl.
13:28Six.
13:28Six.
13:30Six so far.
13:31Oh, Margot.
13:33Congratulations.
13:33Don't you ever tell me
13:35to shut up again, Jerry.
13:35Well, I don't have
13:36X-ray eyes, have I?
13:38I can't see through a door.
13:39Hold the light still.
13:41And I will thank you
13:42not to go out
13:42in the middle of the night
13:43and leave the front door open.
13:44Anything could have happened.
13:45Yes, you could have
13:46got up and shut it.
13:48And found myself struggling
13:49with some lecherous
13:50minicab driver.
13:52Look, look.
13:53You'll be struggling
13:53with me if you don't shut up.
13:54The main event
13:55is going on in here.
13:55Look, there's another one
13:56on the way.
13:56Oh, come and look, Margot.
13:57Quick, it's beautiful.
13:59Certainly not.
14:00That sort of thing
14:00makes me faint.
14:01Don't faint in here,
14:02for God's sake.
14:05Yes, go on, go on.
14:08Seven.
14:09Seven.
14:10Look, surely seven
14:11is enough.
14:16Yes, you're quite right, Margot.
14:19Pinky, Margot says
14:20seven's enough.
14:22Let me see, Tom.
14:24Let me see.
14:24Oh, look.
14:26They're feeding.
14:27Yeah, yeah.
14:28Hold on.
14:28One comes unplugged.
14:29That's badass.
14:32Marvellous, isn't it?
14:33Marvellous.
14:34I read 250 pages
14:35on piggery midwifery.
14:37Oh, Pinky can't read a word,
14:38so she just gets on with it.
14:39I could never have imagined
14:41this a year ago.
14:42No.
14:42Last year,
14:43the only thing we were breeding
14:44was discontent.
14:45If you'd have stopped eulogising,
14:46I'd like to go back to bed.
14:47Oh, yeah.
14:47Right-o, Jerry.
14:48Thanks a lot.
14:48Oh, hold on, hold on, hold on.
14:50Sorry, Margot.
14:51Pinky's disobeying you.
14:51She's having another one.
14:52This is rapidly
14:53becoming disgusting.
14:56Go on, go on.
14:57That's it.
14:57Yes, go on.
14:58That's it.
14:58That's right.
14:59Good.
15:01Oh, dear.
15:03What?
15:04What?
15:04Let me see.
15:05What?
15:07Oh, no.
15:09Oh, that's not right.
15:11What isn't?
15:12That little one,
15:12that last one,
15:13it's hardly moving.
15:14It's just lying there.
15:15I'm afraid it's a runt.
15:18How very Anglo-Saxon.
15:20Quiet, Jerry.
15:22Well, do something.
15:24Tom?
15:25Well, what do you want me to do?
15:27Inflate it with a bicycle pump?
15:29I know it's rotten,
15:30but this sort of thing happens.
15:30It says so in the book.
15:31You sometimes get a runt in the litter.
15:32It's undersized,
15:33weak and excess, I'm afraid.
15:35Survival of the fittest.
15:35Yes, what are you going to do about it?
15:37For nothing.
15:37You just let them die.
15:39You just let them die?
15:41I do that.
15:41It's a bit clinical, isn't it?
15:43No, it's common sense.
15:44Tom!
15:45Now, Barbara, listen.
15:46Now, listen.
15:46Barbara, it is common sense.
15:48This is our livelihood,
15:49not a hobby.
15:50It may not be a very palatable fact.
15:51This is not worth fighting a losing battle
15:53trying to keep it alive.
15:54It's just not efficient.
15:55Damn your efficiency!
15:56It's not my efficiency.
15:57Yes, it is your efficiency.
15:58It is becoming your god.
15:59And if you're going to turn
16:00into the kind of person
16:01who's going to let a little creature
16:02like that die
16:03just because it's efficient
16:03and you can stuff it.
16:05At last,
16:06the worm turns.
16:08Be quiet, Margot.
16:09Yes.
16:10Can I use your phone?
16:11Certainly, Barbara, yes.
16:14Well, Harry,
16:15you can see I'm right, surely.
16:17I am right.
16:23Who are you phoning?
16:28The vet.
16:29But he's out on the call.
16:30Won't be able to get here
16:31for two hours at least.
16:32That's going to be too late, isn't it?
16:33What about the RSPCA
16:35or the Blue Cross?
16:35Same problem.
16:37Right.
16:38We're going to need milk,
16:38brandy,
16:39something warm to wrap him in.
16:40Oh, Tom.
16:41And something to help his breathing.
16:43Now, what?
16:43Oxygen.
16:44Well, where do you get oxygen?
16:45The hospital.
16:45It's worth a go.
16:46Try the hospital.
16:46Right.
16:47Right.
16:47Jerry, come along.
16:48Why me?
16:49You've got the car.
16:50Sorry.
16:59Margot, don't just stand there.
17:02Something warm, milk and brandy.
17:03Yes.
17:05Oi!
17:14Tom.
17:15What?
17:16Remy Martell.
17:17Oh, high in the SOK.
17:22Sorry.
17:52you know what speed you were doing sir yes 60 miles an hour and what is the speed limit in
18:13this area sir 30 sir you admit you were speeding what a brilliant deduction your driving license
18:22please sir look please just one moment miss missus actually your wife sir no somebody else's
18:3060 miles an hour with somebody else's wife at three o'clock in the morning and in your pajamas
18:37doesn't look too rosy does it sir oh look please we're never such a hurry yes i dare say you are
18:42so get on with it will you i mean if you're going to book me book me if not get out of my way this
18:49goes down in the big book this does oh constable we're never such a hurry we've got to get to the
18:53hospital it's urgent hospital yes you see i know it sounds unlikely but our pigs just had a litter
18:59and there's this little tiny runt and if we don't get any oxygen for him he's going to die
19:04little piggly is it what are you two minutes before well i'd started banding words like pig about in
19:12front of a constable yeah sure see what you mean right come with me where to the hospital of course
19:19i'll go ahead clear the way you put your foot down always wanted to do a mercy dash never done one
19:24here we are tom you've been long enough well i had to change what the hell
19:54thought emergency not a social function it's also the avenue tom and curtains have begun to twitch
20:01here you are alone in the house have i been seen coming in your back door in my night things oh yes
20:07and jerry driving off with barber in his pajamas his wife swapping isn't it
20:11it hasn't reached surbiton yet but it's already got as far as epsom
20:14you make it sound like the black death you don't condone it surely oh don't be daft
20:22now watch the milk yes oh you wanted something warm for the pig oh tar yeah hey margot this is
20:29cashmere sitting in you it's all right it's jerry's yeah i suppose that would make it all right
20:36how is it well it's still breathing just about i don't even know if i'm doing the right thing still
20:41press on oh lovely yeah that's fine i'll put some brand in it
20:47what proportions it's not a cocktail party use your common sense
20:54yeah yeah now when you mix it up get it down that pig me yes you
21:00can't you do it no i can't i'm making an oxygen tent
21:07no i'm sorry tom sickness makes me feel ill oh look look it's not what you feel is what he
21:12feels so stop twitching and get on with it but do it yes tom
21:29oh
21:32got it got it good girl
21:36margot a tip for the future barbara always feed a piglet from the corner of his mouth
21:42thank you mark how is a little mite fighting fighting can i hear yes of course
21:54poor little mite
21:59oh oh this this is police constable hillman he's been marvellous we'd never have got the oxygen
22:04without him tick vg what thanks pleasure to help certainly refreshing to see you do not vote all
22:12your energies to moving people on when they park outside the public library for a couple of minutes
22:16you would be this gentleman's wife would you yes how did you know just fits that's all
22:28now look here kojak oh belt up let's get on with it
22:32oxygen tent yeah yeah look i'll show you look there now uh hold that right pig goes in here right you
22:38feed the oxygen in through the drain holes right on with your lid and then you regulate the atmosphere
22:42like you do with plants how do you feed the oxygen into the draining holes ah with a bit of tubing
22:50you see which we haven't got come on come on think of something garden hose too thick margot
22:56think of something jelly sleep
23:00got it how about an overflow pipe from a car radiator perfect
23:03come on then sir let's get your bonnet up why not yours it was 60 miles an hour wasn't it sir
23:17i was going to put strychnine in your tea but i won't now you're clever as well where did you learn
23:22to make an oxygen tent oxygen tent classes it's all guesswork i just hope i'm getting right oh dear
23:28it's hardly breathing at all give me some more brandy
23:34will it live tom well if it does it's going to be a chronic alcoholic
23:43hurry up with that tube
23:53i don't know
23:55barbara why are you dusting because i don't smoke
24:03you did say i could call back any news the vet's here he's with him now
24:11hello sarge the vet's here he's with him now over
24:16yes i will over and out my side says all the best oh that's nice
24:32jerry
24:37well
24:38we won
24:44oh i'm so glad
24:46so am i can we go back to bed now
24:49marvelous
24:51hello sarge
24:53tea's all round in the canteen over
24:58yes i will over and out my side says all the best again
25:04for your information madam my sarge has two spaniels
25:12and a hamster
25:14i'll be on my way
25:15uh uh uh before you go thanks very much the vet said if you hadn't got hold of that oxygen you
25:19wouldn't have pulled through thanks mr clod
25:23i've never been kissed by the public before
25:27good night constable
25:28what's that supposed to mean sir nothing i'll just be civil
25:37yes for
25:38just you watch your step in future that's all
25:43and you
25:48what a night
25:50nothing like a bit of animal husbandry to while away the small hours
25:53well can the piglet go back to its mum now tom no not yet no the vet says we've got a hand
25:57rear it fills out you know goes into long trousers that kind of thing
26:01going to take up quite a bit of our time isn't it quite a bit
26:04strictly speaking we haven't done the practical thing at all have we no
26:07which is what you were talking about when it was born wasn't it yes
26:11sorry i'm not that's enough that does it
26:16i've tolerated being woken up in the middle of the night i've tolerated a running battle with
26:21an idiot policeman i've even tolerated my car being wrecked and my best jersey being used as
26:25a pig blanket but when i'm asked to witness you two wallowing in your own treacle i draw the line
26:33i'm going to bed
26:35thanks jerry jerry thanks yes well i must be getting along too
26:39i'm so glad the pig's all right thanks to your help not at all
26:43oh i'll pop around with a riding hat later barbara why i shan't be riding the piglet
26:52but you can get the horse now you won over the pig so now you can make tom get your horse
26:57i shall do no such thing very well barbara i suppose i must simply accept that you are that kind of woman
27:04what kind of woman a woman who wants to be dominated who actually enjoys being ordered about by men
27:10very well i accept it well margo i wouldn't say you were averse to a bit of male domination
27:18i beg your pardon well when you and i were alone in that kitchen i ordered you about i didn't hear
27:22any complaints don't be absurd in fact your cheeks flushed quite responsibly they did not you're
27:28doing it now thinking about it no i'm not yes you are no i'm not it's the light don't don't be so
27:33silly i'm i'm going to bed dear oh dear oh dear women
27:43just get out into the kitchen and feed that pig
28:00no oh yes dear of course dear i'll tell you something i would have done it right away
28:14thank you
28:16thank you
28:26thank you
28:32thank you