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00:00Live from his luxury penthouse apartment in London's glittering East End,
00:04Dean Lerner, club owner, entrepreneur and publisher of High Class Gentleman's Magazines,
00:09invites you to join him for an exclusive Man to Man.
00:30Please welcome Mr. D. Lerner.
01:00Good evening and welcome to Man to Man with Dean Lerner,
01:11where each week I'll give you an exclusive invite to my £5 million penthouse apartment
01:15and introduce you to one of my VIP friends from the world of the arts slash entertainment.
01:21And what a guest I have for you tonight.
01:23I first met him when I was working at a horror publishing house called Beelzebux.
01:27Now, my background had been in high-quality, upmarket erosica for The Discerning Connoisseur,
01:34so I wondered, understandably, would I feel at home at a company that dealt exclusively in horror?
01:40Well, I had no idea how quickly the horror community, and it is a community,
01:45how quickly the horror community would wake up to the idea of scary porn.
01:50I wanted to release books that would give the reader a boner,
01:58but leave him too terrified to do anything about it.
02:05Within the week, I'd coined the phrase,
02:06books that will scare you stiff.
02:09We'd opened up a new horosica division,
02:11and our sales just went silly.
02:14How could things get any better?
02:16Well, I'll tell you for how.
02:18I met a young, hungry, vital writer called Garth Marenghi,
02:22and we fell in like at first sight.
02:26Thenforth started a writer-publisher relationship that has continued to this day
02:30and has developed into one of the most important and meaningful friendships of my life,
02:34certainly in financial terms.
02:35How could I sum up this titan of terror, this grand duke of darkness?
02:41It'd take me an eternity, which I quite simply don't have.
02:44So, please welcome Sir Splatter himself,
02:47the Fright Honourable, Garth Marenghi.
02:50APPLAUSE
02:51Did I just say that when I entered there,
03:07the floor should be entirely covered in dry ice
03:09to give the impression that I don't have feet,
03:11so just bear in mind I may or may not have hooves.
03:16That's Sassy's fault.
03:17So, I made the mistake of giving her an additional task.
03:21Are you all right there?
03:23Yes, Dean.
03:23OK, and remember, if you get frightened with any of this talk of horror,
03:26just pop your earmuffs on.
03:27OK.
03:28All right.
03:29Yeah, OK, no, not yet, Sassy.
03:30No, she's gone.
03:32No, she's gone.
03:35Sassy's my primary partner, by the way.
03:37I'm having actually to downsize a harem here at Dean Towers
03:41because I'm converting some of the girls' bedrooms into an indoor skating rink.
03:45So, sorry, Garth.
03:46Now, it's an historic occasion today
03:49and I'm truly humbled to be hosting it
03:51because this is Garth's first public appearance
03:54since his terrible accident,
03:56of which more in the dunus, of course, if you feel able.
03:59Perhaps.
03:59Perhaps.
04:03And you look marvellous, by the way.
04:05The surgery's been really well done.
04:07Which one is a new ear?
04:09Pardon?
04:09Yeah, pardon.
04:11Lovely.
04:12That's priceless.
04:13You've kept your sense of humour, which is so wonderful.
04:17Well, you have to, Dan.
04:18I mean, when people come up to me and they say,
04:20what's his Garth Marenghi like,
04:21they expect me to describe this dark figure,
04:24you know, he writes these twisted brilliance
04:25but very gory horror stories like Stump or Ripper.
04:28The guy must be sick.
04:31But you have provided me with more hootage
04:33than any man I know.
04:35With the possible exception of Freddie Star.
04:38Well, you know, it's been my lifeline
04:41over the last few months, Dean.
04:42I've been blessed with gallowsian humour.
04:45In fact, as I said to you before I came out,
04:48I think I've broken every bone in my body
04:49except my funny bone.
04:51So, I thought that would get a better response.
04:53But anyway, it's like when I was in the ambulance
04:55going to the hospital.
04:56I was still up for the crack, was I not?
04:58And the ambulance driver turned round at one point
05:00and he said,
05:01please, Mr Ranghi, will you stop talking
05:03or we're going to crash what you're saying is that funny?
05:06LAUGHTER
05:06I can vouch for that
05:11because I was in the ambulance with you
05:12and I thought I was going to die.
05:15I said they're going to have to get two body bags ready.
05:18This guy's critically ill and I'm dying of laughter.
05:20LAUGHTER
05:21LAUGHTER
05:22LAUGHTER
05:23This show's wonderful, Dean.
05:29It's such a reflection of the wit and sophistication
05:31that's in you.
05:32Thank you for that unprompted compliment.
05:36Now, let's talk about what you were doing
05:38at the start of the year, if we may,
05:40before what happened happened.
05:43Sure.
05:43Well, in early January, I wrote Return of the Coil
05:46about a woman who circumnavigates the portals of hell
05:49via a cursed contraceptive device.
05:51LAUGHTER
05:52In late Jan, I wrote the sequel,
05:55Return of the Coil 2 Re-Entry.
05:57LAUGHTER
05:58In early Feb, Hellbent,
06:00my novella about a homosexual demon
06:02searching for acceptance
06:03within his own diabolical community came out,
06:06both literally and figuratively.
06:08Yeah.
06:09And there was a bit of a hold-up with that one,
06:11wasn't there, at the printers,
06:12because we originally wanted everything printed
06:14on black rubber,
06:15but that meant you needed to apply talc
06:17each time you turned a page,
06:18and in the end, we thought it was a bit tacky,
06:20it was a bit route one,
06:21so we ended up going for a glittery dust jacket
06:23with complimentary nipple ring,
06:24which I...
06:25LAUGHTER
06:25which I thought works well.
06:29No, it does.
06:30It does.
06:30And then late Feb, the two sequels came out.
06:33That was Hellbenders and Hellbenders 2,
06:35The Boys Are Back.
06:37And you've got a new book coming out now.
06:39Let's have a squitter to clip.
06:41You know, it frightens me
06:46how many novels of terror I've written.
06:48Now you can buy all 436
06:51in one easy-to-read volume.
06:53From Garth Marenghi,
06:54who brought you Slicer, Slasher, Ripper,
06:57and many more.
06:58It's Garth Marenghi's The Earth.
07:01With a reinforced spine made from genuine cat bone,
07:04it comes complete with these detachable balancing sticks,
07:07allowing you to read safely,
07:09and adjustable brackets for easy storage.
07:12Order now, and you'll receive this attachable index
07:15and chapter one of Garth's new novel.
07:19LAUGHTER
07:19If you're only buying one Garth Marenghi book,
07:21buy this one, which is all of them.
07:24Garth Marenghi's The Earth.
07:25The only book you'll ever need.
07:27APPLAUSE
07:29It's a phenomenal work, Ray.
07:36How do you manage it, Garth?
07:37How do you keep getting inspiration?
07:39Cheese.
07:41I eat a lot of cheese,
07:42which gives me these fantastic vivid dreams.
07:45You know, a lot of writers will smoke pot.
07:47If I hit a wall,
07:48I'll generally reach for the Emmental or the Dulce Lata.
07:52Wash those down with beer and pickles,
07:54have a nap, wake up, chap two awaits.
07:57The only downside is I tend to put on two stone a novel.
08:00But if you type as fast as I do,
08:02you can generally sweat out a stone of that,
08:04so it evens out, more or less.
08:05I'm exactly the same with mackerel.
08:07I mean, I can't stop at one.
08:09I'll eat four or five at a sitting.
08:12So I always make sure I forewarn my dining companion,
08:15you know, that I'll need at least an hour
08:16for things to settle afterwards,
08:18cos the last thing anyone wants
08:20is for that mackerel to re-emerge
08:21during the physical act of love.
08:23Well, you know, you're very lucky
08:28with your metabolism, Dean,
08:29because I think mackerel would sit very heavily on me.
08:32Yes.
08:33I mean, I was approached to be the face of Ginster's Pies,
08:36which is hugely flattering, of course,
08:38but I had to turn it down
08:40because the sheer number of freebies
08:41would have been a death sentence.
08:43And at the end of the day,
08:45I'm not a salesman either, I'm a shaman.
08:47I'm a dreamweaver.
08:48My job is to question, like Poe Edgar Allan,
08:50is all we see or seem but a dream within a dream.
08:54I don't know, what did he say?
08:57I don't think he had an answer, to be honest.
08:58I think that was the point, you know,
08:59are you real?
09:02Yes.
09:04But are you?
09:05Oh, stop it, Garth, you're creeping me out.
09:09Perhaps you're asleep and this is a nightmare.
09:11How do you know you exist?
09:13Well, it's interesting, isn't it?
09:15It's like that philosophical question, you know,
09:17if a tree falls in the forest and I'm not there
09:20and it makes a sound but I don't hear it,
09:23but someone recalls it and plays it to me at a dinner party,
09:26does that mean I'm still in the forest?
09:30And if I am,
09:31then why can't I just take a piss in the garden
09:32rather than queuing for the toilet?
09:35And that's if the toilet even exists.
09:36I've been trying to use it all fucking night.
09:37I'm starting to doubt the existence of the toilet,
09:41quite frankly, at this stage of the proceedings.
09:48You see?
09:49Can you feel it?
09:50You see, I'm getting you to ask questions.
09:51Get to port-a-loo, is what I'm saying.
09:53If you're going to have a party of that size,
09:56get to port-a-loo.
09:59Because I don't want to spend my entire fucking evening
10:01in the corridor.
10:04And if philosophy can solve those questions,
10:07then it's worth it.
10:09But thus far it can't.
10:11So I'm fucking busting.
10:14And what's Plato doing about it?
10:16Nothing.
10:20You see?
10:25You see, you're asking questions.
10:27I am.
10:28My mind's abuzz with possibilities.
10:30It's like peeling an onion.
10:32But it still doesn't answer the question.
10:34It still doesn't answer the question, does it, Garth,
10:36as to why horror?
10:37Couldn't you do the same kind of questioning
10:39in whodunits or porno?
10:42Well, how long's a piece of string?
10:43That's true.
10:44I've always been attracted to the dark side of life.
10:49You know, at school, some boys would pull the wings off flies.
10:52I'd also perform autopsies.
10:55I think it's cathartic for me.
10:56I think if I wasn't writing,
10:58I'd probably be out on the streets right now
10:59carving people up.
11:01But I see myself as a ferryman.
11:03Society is my cargo.
11:05You, Dean, are the first mate.
11:07All aboard.
11:07But you, as well as being a writer,
11:15are an actor and a director.
11:17Correct.
11:18And you were working on a feature film.
11:20Correct.
11:21Called War of the Wasps.
11:23You've earned yourself a third correct.
11:24And I remember very clearly reading the script
11:36and I said to you, Garth,
11:37I said, I love this.
11:38I love this script.
11:40I was sick twice and then I got the runs.
11:43We have to make this movie.
11:45What gave you the idea?
11:48Well, one day I saw a wasp
11:50and I thought,
11:51what if that wasp waged war?
11:53And then the piece really wrote itself.
11:56Sure.
11:56And could you describe the general premise of the film?
12:00Sure.
12:00Well, I play Ken Douglas,
12:02a renegade insectologist and part-time horror writer
12:05who is thrown out of the Romford Creepy Crawley Institute
12:08for his radical paper on Daddy Longlegs.
12:11He's then drafted into the Secret Service counter-inset unit
12:14to fight off what turns out to be an invasion of giant cosmic wasps.
12:17And to cut a long story short,
12:19Daglas ends up luring them into outer space
12:21via a giant sticky bun.
12:23Sure, sure.
12:24And are the wasps a metaphor?
12:27A metaphor what?
12:28No, sorry, sorry.
12:29Sorry.
12:30A metaphor.
12:31Yes.
12:32Yes, let's say they are.
12:34You know, we're living in dangerous times, Dean.
12:36You know, we're living in a climate of fear.
12:38Kin is pitched against kin
12:40and all along we're forgetting what is actually the real threat.
12:43Right.
12:43Which is?
12:44The Dutch.
12:45They look very peaceful.
12:49They appear to be keeping themselves to themselves,
12:51but I'm watching them,
12:52and it's a good job I am because no-one else is.
12:55And if any aren't too sky-high off home-brewed weed
12:58to be watching this,
12:59heed my words,
13:00I'm on to you.
13:02So, in short,
13:03the wasps represent the Dutch?
13:05Yes, they do,
13:05because everyone knows that for years now
13:07the Dutch have been trying to fuse their kind with wasps
13:10to create an insectoidal super soldier.
13:12The government are trying to be very, very hush-hush about it.
13:15They actually pulled the film from production,
13:17which just proves that the Dutch are already running Whitehall.
13:21And we'll be able to see an exclusive clip
13:23of the film the government doesn't want you to see
13:25after the break.
13:26Keep watching The Skies.
13:28LAUGHTER
13:29APPLAUSE
13:30Welcome back to Man-to-Man with Dean Lerner.
13:42I'm joined in the Man-to-Man mansionette by Garth Marenghi.
13:46And as promised,
13:47we're going to show a sequence from War of the Wasps,
13:49Garth's allegorical rendering
13:50of a potential future war with the Dutch.
13:53In this sequence, Ken Douglas...
13:56Whom I play.
13:56..is leading a helicopter attack on the Renegade Swarm.
14:01And if I remember rightly, which I do,
14:04your mission objective is to fire a giant canister
14:07of insect repellent up the Queen Wasp's back entrance
14:10and then detonate it with torpedoes.
14:13Wrong.
14:13I actually detonate it using a .30 calibre Browning M1917
14:17A1 hood-mounted machine gun.
14:19LAUGHTER
14:20Apologies.
14:23Incidentally, for you at home,
14:24you probably won't be able to assimilate
14:25the density of the imagery in one viewing,
14:27so keep up.
14:28LAUGHTER
14:29Well, let's take a look.
14:33LAUGHTER
14:34LAUGHTER
14:35Charlie, Echo, Bravo, Delta, Sanchez, Bogenhagen, stay close.
14:41How long before the Queen reaches the Kitty Hospice, Reid?
14:43At the rate she's travelling, I'd guesstimate two mins.
14:45It's so to all that that hospice was built
14:47right next to Britain's biggest jam factory,
14:48which in turn was constructed next to the House of Parliament.
14:51And don't forget, Doug,
14:52the one woman you love, it's trapped in there with them.
14:54LAUGHTER
14:55Plus, in addition, a couple of the kids have got whooping cock.
14:58Good luck, ladies.
14:59I wish I could be up there with you,
15:00but I've got a bad back.
15:01You heard the man.
15:02Let's take us some jaspers.
15:03Fall in.
15:04LAUGHTER
15:05Jesus Christ, Bogenhagen, back left.
15:10Try and draw their fire.
15:12Touch her, stick with red, let's make it disappear.
15:15LAUGHTER
15:16Try this for size.
15:20LAUGHTER
15:21LAUGHTER
15:22LAUGHTER
15:24LAUGHTER
15:25LAUGHTER
15:26LAUGHTER
15:28LAUGHTER
15:29LAUGHTER
15:30I've lost my repellent, though.
15:57HELP! HELP!
16:00What is it, Bogenhagen?
16:01Wasps in the cockpit!
16:03LAUGHTER
16:04There's too many!
16:06There's just too many!
16:07Keep still.
16:08Don't annoy them and they'll just fly away.
16:10LAUGHTER
16:11Bye, Bogenhagen!
16:12LAUGHTER
16:13Stop it!
16:15LAUGHTER
16:15Oh, no!
16:17LAUGHTER
16:18LAUGHTER
16:19Bye-bye, Bogenhagen.
16:24LAUGHTER
16:25Sanch, it's just you and me now, buddy.
16:29Sorry to break up the tender moment, you fartknockers,
16:31but there's a killer queen wasp out there
16:33that's horny than a bitch in season
16:34and we need to frag her bug-eyed, yellow-bellied hiney
16:36before she hunts at hospice.
16:38So get pronto, tonto.
16:40Copy that.
16:45I've got her.
16:46She's in my sights.
16:48What?
16:48Bloody thing's jammed.
16:49I'm gonna have to flap the business out myself.
16:52Sanch, don't do it.
16:53You know I have to, Dag.
16:54Yep, I guess you do.
16:55Look, I'll make sure they build a statue of you
16:57right in the middle of Romford.
16:58Well, not the middle, we wouldn't get the planning permission,
17:00but maybe next to that big Odeon.
17:02Thanks, Dag.
17:02I like that big Odeon.
17:04Now listen, don't talk.
17:05We've not much time.
17:06In a minute you're gonna see my chopper
17:07hanging out of that jazz bazaar, sir.
17:09You're not gonna wanna shoot
17:10cos your best body's out there.
17:12But you have to.
17:13Cos you'd ask me to do the same thing.
17:15Sorry, Sanch, I didn't get any of that.
17:17You're breaking up.
17:18Look, I'll just shoot you when you're up there.
17:19This is the first time I've tried to drink a can of cider in the park.
17:26Thank you for being here.
17:45Now, since that film, you've turned your considerable gifts
17:49to the world of fine arts.
17:50And your new exhibition, Imaginata Horrificata,
17:54has opened at the Canvey Island Arts Centre.
17:57That's right.
17:58That's right.
17:59And it's been wonderful
18:00because we've got people of all shapes and sizes,
18:03all ages, all shit-frit together.
18:05And, you know, sometimes they've actually walked out.
18:07It's that terrifying.
18:08Well, that is an achievement.
18:10And indeed, sometimes people have been so terrified
18:12they haven't even showed up.
18:15See, I take that as a great compliment.
18:17Sure.
18:17And did you look to any other artists for inspiration at all?
18:22Not really, no.
18:23If I ever want inspiration,
18:24I generally re-read one of my own books.
18:26There's usually something quite profound in there
18:28I miss first time.
18:29Sure.
18:31Well, yeah.
18:32I mean, I loved the show.
18:34I thought it was tremendous.
18:35And what I love so much about it
18:37is that you provide very extensive notes
18:38alongside the paintings,
18:40which is great
18:41because there's no need to interpret them at all.
18:43I mean, you know, it's all explained.
18:45There's nothing like subtext or anything like that.
18:47So I managed to whiz around the whole exhibition in 15 minutes.
18:50Well, that's it.
18:50People are very busy, Dean.
18:51You know, they don't have time to go to an exhibition
18:53and think as well.
18:54So, and to be honest,
18:56there's nothing worse than a work of art
18:57that leaves you asking questions.
18:59Well, believe you me, Garth,
19:00I came out of this exhibition with nothing.
19:03I mean, I was barely thinking.
19:07But the exhibition had to close, didn't it?
19:11Because you had an accident
19:13when you were working at your home studio.
19:16Do you feel able to discuss this at all?
19:19Well, you know, it's a small thing.
19:21It's a silly thing, really.
19:23You're amongst friends, Garth.
19:25Well, I just sculpted a 40-foot statue of my head
19:29and it fell on me.
19:31So, you know, it could have happened to anyone.
19:34Sure, sure.
19:35And I understand that you were actually trapped
19:36in your own left nostril for most of the day.
19:39That's right, yeah.
19:40When Pam, my wife, came home from work,
19:41she cut me out.
19:42But I did go for five hours without food.
19:44And then I called you to call the private ambulance
19:57to take me through to the hospital
19:58to test me for concussion,
20:00which actually didn't turn out to be a concussion.
20:02It was just I was hungry.
20:04Sure.
20:05And actually, when we were in the ambulance,
20:07as we alluded to earlier,
20:08you kept cracking these hilarious jokes.
20:10Yeah.
20:10And in the end, the ambulance did crash.
20:12That's right.
20:12And that's when you lost your ear.
20:14That's right.
20:15But, you know, that comes with the territory
20:16if you're an artist.
20:17You know, if it's good for Vince Van G,
20:19he's good enough for me.
20:21And since then, you've been working
20:23at your home studio on a new collection, haven't you?
20:25Yeah, and I have to say,
20:26the new collection's pretty damn primal.
20:28Sure.
20:29And we took our man-to-man camera crew,
20:31well, cameraman, let's be honest,
20:33to document Garth's fresh brush with horror.
20:36Come on, that was witty.
20:40Unbelievable.
20:44Greetings, traveller.
20:59And welcome to my house of horrors.
21:02Or perhaps I should say my converted attic of horrors.
21:06I'll come up here in the morning,
21:08and the first thing I'll do is I'll strip off,
21:10complete them all new,
21:12and then I'll try and catch visions.
21:13This is entitled Famine.
21:15And it's very easy to paint famine,
21:17just keep it thin.
21:18I don't know if you've seen,
21:19but there's a little skull down the bottom here,
21:21so any Hamlet fans that are watching,
21:23that one's for you.
21:24This one over here is called The Tax Man.
21:27These people are from the VAT office.
21:29This one here is a Valentine present to my wife, Pam.
21:32It's called Consummation.
21:34This is just paint.
21:36This is my most recent painting.
21:38It's my vision of what the family Marenghi
21:40would look like without skin.
21:42As I've always said,
21:43a family that plays together,
21:45flies together.
21:48That's the face of a reader
21:49deprived of Garth Marenghi novels.
21:51And what these are,
21:53are a cross between my eyeballs and my sperm.
21:56So it's my visions that are giving birth
21:59and impregnating the minds of millions.
22:01I was so enraged one day,
22:03I came in,
22:04I just span that.
22:05It used to be like that.
22:06I just did that.
22:07I've never put it back,
22:08and I won't.
22:09Now, I must warn you,
22:11don't whatever you do go in that corner.
22:15No, it's all right, don't.
22:16It's just we've got a lamp there.
22:17This has been a short but disturbing journey
22:19around my studio dart.
22:21Thank you very much for coming.
22:23I hope to see you again soon.
22:24But for now,
22:25get out.
22:26Get out,
22:27for the demons are coming.
22:28Terrific stuff there, Garth.
22:44And you've got a new exhibition,
22:45haven't you?
22:46Illuminatum Diabolikartum.
22:49That's coming soon, isn't it?
22:50And best of luck with that.
22:52Don't need it.
22:54Well,
22:55all that remains for me to do
22:57is to thank once again
22:58my super guest,
22:59Garth Marenghi,
23:00for talking to me,
23:01man to man.
23:02Pleasure.
23:02And to thank you very much for watching.
23:06Thank you very much.
23:07Thank you very much.
23:08Aplausos.
23:09Aplausos.
23:09Aplausos.
23:10Aplausos.