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00:00I'll see you next time.
00:30Right. I've laid the table.
00:50How's the chicken doing?
00:52It stopped clucking.
00:53Oh, good, good.
00:54Oh, that reminds me. Corn. I must make that check out for the feed.
01:00Yes, it might be chicken feed to them, but it's not to us.
01:14How much have we got left in the bank now, Tom?
01:18We're in the black.
01:19Yes, but how much?
01:20Oh, three...
01:22I'm sorry.
01:23Pardon?
01:24Three...
01:25Three what?
01:30Three pounds, twenty-eight, actually.
01:33Bango's the yacht.
01:34Oh, I don't know, no.
01:35Just wait for the interest to accrue.
01:38Right.
01:44That is Margot in the garden.
01:47What do you think she's doing out there?
01:49Walking up and down.
01:51Yes, but why?
01:52I asked her to dinner.
01:53I didn't say anything about sentry duty.
01:54Margot?
01:57Good evening, Tom.
01:58Good evening.
01:59What are you doing?
02:00Good evening, Barbara.
02:01I'm so sorry.
02:03You said eight, which I took to mean eight for 8.30,
02:06which naturally implies that we should arrive at 8.15, doesn't it?
02:10It's still only 8.14.
02:11Oh, what the hell, Margot?
02:16We'll overlook it this time.
02:17Come in.
02:18Oh, thank you.
02:27Excuse me.
02:28Where's Jerry?
02:30Sulking in your front garden.
02:31Oh, why?
02:32I just happened to point out that his watch was fast.
02:36I'll go and get him.
02:38Jerry?
02:54Well, Tom.
02:57Well, Margot.
02:59Yes.
03:02Good.
03:02Will you be changing for dinner?
03:06Oh, yes, of course.
03:07I'll do it now.
03:18That's better.
03:225, 4, 3, 2, 1.
03:25Ah, 8.15.
03:27Evening, Tom.
03:27Hello, Jerry.
03:29Mmm.
03:30Smells good.
03:31Sudden death chicken, that's good.
03:33So you finally plucked up the carriage to kill her, did you?
03:35No, no.
03:35She committed suicide.
03:37Right.
03:38How about a quick snort before dinner?
03:40Margot.
03:40Oh, lovely.
03:41Campari and soda, please.
03:42Gin and tonic for me, I think.
03:44A peapod or elderberry wine?
03:49Well, just the tiniest peapod for me, please.
03:52Ditto.
03:53Let me, er, let me sit down first.
03:55Ah, thank you.
04:07There we are.
04:09Now, here's to a harvest safely gathered and to Jerry and Margot for helping us to gather it.
04:14Hear, hear.
04:14Reply, please, Jerry.
04:24What?
04:25Oh, er, yes.
04:27Oh.
04:29Hearst peapods.
04:31By the way, what happened to that mountain of stuff we picked?
04:33I didn't notice any in the garage when I came past.
04:35Too damp.
04:36Cellar?
04:37Too much effluence down there.
04:38Well, where is it then?
04:39Have you got time to show them before dinner, love?
04:41Oh, yes, why not?
04:42Come on.
04:54Welcome to Shangri-La.
04:58Barbara, this is a spare bedroom.
05:00Well, they're all asleep, aren't they?
05:03How do you feel?
05:04Oh, Margot.
05:06I know it looks a bit odd, but it's the perfect place, you see.
05:08Perfect temperature.
05:09Dry, cool, dark.
05:10Honestly, if we weren't using it, I'd let it out as a warehouse.
05:12What's that for?
05:13Warding off vampires?
05:15As onions, you fool.
05:18The garlic's in here.
05:20Over here.
05:24We have carrots.
05:27Celeriac.
05:28And apples.
05:31Well, I suppose you know what you're doing.
05:35No, no, no, not there.
05:38They're not like us, Margot.
05:40They mustn't touch or they'll go bad.
05:43Now, this is Granny's wardrobe.
05:45Oh, God.
05:47Still, she liked nice cabbage.
05:48You haven't taken to keeping the watercress in the bath, have you?
05:50Now, that's in the bidet.
05:54I'm sorry, Tom and Barbara.
05:55This used to be a lovely, sunny little bedroom.
05:58And you've ruined it.
06:00Well, look at it this way.
06:01We may have lost a bedroom, but we've gained a year's nosh.
06:03Yes, everything on and under the beds is rates.
06:06You'll never get that into one of the council envelopes.
06:10We're selling it first.
06:11Well, just like that.
06:12Of course, easy.
06:13No, Tom.
06:14You may be a giant in the garden, but when it comes to the world of commerce, you're just
06:18a pygmy.
06:19Watch it.
06:19Selling a bed full of fresh bread is the simplest thing in the world.
06:24I thought everybody did it.
06:25No, Margot's right, you know.
06:26Life's a bit more complicated than you seem to think.
06:28You've never had to sell in the big, wicked world.
06:30This isn't Whittacombe Fair, you know.
06:32It's Surbiton.
06:33Complicated.
06:33It's people like you that make it complicated.
06:35Honestly, if you stared at a piece of string long enough, I'd tie it so in knots.
06:37All right.
06:38I'm just warning you.
06:38That's all.
06:39Oh, pestilence, plague.
06:40Doom, doom.
06:42Did I hear a dinner gone?
06:44Not unless a chicken jumped out of the oven and banged one.
06:48No, that's a very good idea.
06:49I'm hungry.
06:50Come along.
06:50Oh, Margot, let's go and pick some flowers for the table.
06:53You didn't grow any flowers.
06:54Then you're gone.
06:58Seriously.
06:59It's not as simple as all that, you know.
07:00I mean, just because you're a seller doesn't mean to say you automatically find a buyer.
07:04I've already got one.
07:05Good Lord.
07:05Yeah.
07:06That restaurant on the corner by the War Memorial, the one with the stupid name.
07:09Oh, the Runcible Spoon.
07:11Yeah, that's it.
07:11I've seen the manager tomorrow.
07:12I ate there once.
07:13I wouldn't go back.
07:14And why?
07:15Chemical veg that tastes like cooked blankets.
07:17No, the food was all right.
07:18They served the Burgundy in hot glasses.
07:22Disgusting devils.
07:29Very nice, Chef.
07:30But before the menus go to table, do take a peek at the dictionary to see if potage is
07:34spelt with one tea or two.
07:37And, Chef, do ask Mrs. Rosen to stop being silly with that new Spanish boy.
07:41Shut up.
08:04Shut up.
08:04Yes?
08:17Morning.
08:18Mr. Runcible or Mrs. Spoon?
08:20No.
08:22That's the name of the restaurant.
08:24I'm Michelangelo Lombardi.
08:27Are you all right?
08:28Sorry, sorry, I've got a bit of a cold.
08:31I'm Tom Goode.
08:33Oh, yes.
08:34We spoke on the telephone.
08:36You're the fruit and veg merch.
08:37Sort of.
08:44Well, come along.
08:45I'm a busy man.
08:46Oh, right.
08:47Well, straight to the point, then.
08:48Samples.
08:50Smell that.
08:50Yes?
08:55Look at that.
08:56Perfect.
08:57What's that?
09:03Nothing.
09:04Oh.
09:05Right.
09:11How about that for a carrot?
09:14Parsnip?
09:15I do know what these things are called.
09:18Yeah, sorry.
09:19And, uh, one of those.
09:22Well?
09:24Why did you go like that?
09:27With the carrot?
09:28Oh.
09:30Well, you're a cigar man.
09:31Yes, I know, but you only do that with cigars.
09:33You don't do it with carrots.
09:35I know.
09:37It was a joke.
09:38Oh, a joke.
09:40I see.
09:43Well, if the rest of the stuff is up to this standard,
09:47it's certainly quality veg.
09:49And if, as you said on the telephone,
09:51you're prepared to undercut my current supplier...
09:53As a boy scout.
09:54Pardon?
09:55I'm prepared.
09:57But why did you say boy scout?
09:59I don't know, really.
10:02Just let's say I'm prepared to undercut slightly
10:04your current supplier.
10:06Then I think we can do business.
10:07Why are you laughing?
10:19Sorry, no, I was just thinking of something
10:20of a pessimistic friend of mine, sir.
10:22Is he funny, then?
10:23I've met funnier.
10:24Oh.
10:25Look, I've had a bit of a tot up here,
10:27and vis-a-vis the quality okay,
10:28vis-a-vis the quantity we discussed,
10:30I total it up to be 90.
10:3190 quid.
10:32Yes, yes, I'm your man for 90.
10:33Right, 12.90s.
10:35Uh, sorry, uh, why 12?
10:3612 months in a year.
10:38No.
10:38There are.
10:39No, no, no, no, no.
10:40This quantity we're talking about
10:42is all I've got.
10:43It's my surplus.
10:44One sale.
10:45Oh?
10:46And what am I supposed to do next month?
10:48Oh, go back to your original supplier.
10:50I see.
10:51And get all the rubbish
10:52because he doesn't like being mucked about.
10:54No, it's not on.
10:54You supply me regularly or not at all?
11:00You obviously didn't think enough
11:01about the marketing side of it, did you?
11:04Fool.
11:04No need to be abusive.
11:05No, me, me.
11:07I'm so sure it would all be so simple.
11:10Look, I hate to see a little man humiliated.
11:12Uh, you wouldn't settle
11:14for a medium-sized man embarrassed, would you?
11:17Who is he then?
11:18Uh, never mind.
11:18You were saying?
11:21For you, I'll make an exception.
11:23I'll take your stuff.
11:24Mr Lombardi, you're a prince.
11:26Well, there's no reason why business
11:28can't be tempered with a little humanity, 70 quid.
11:30Yeah.
11:31Just a minute, you said 90.
11:33Ah, then, it's a buyer's market now.
11:37Perhaps Margot was right.
11:38Perhaps I'm a pygmy.
11:39No, not with your features.
11:41No, no.
11:42Oh, well, never mind.
11:43I can't afford to sell at that price.
11:44I'll just have to try somewhere else.
11:45Well, it's up to you,
11:46but I think you'll find life
11:47a little more complicated than you think.
11:48It isn't.
11:49Not to me.
11:49It's other people who complicate it.
11:51But you have to deal with other people.
11:53Well, just because I'm outnumbered
11:54doesn't make me wrong, does it?
11:57Hey, I can smirk it later.
11:58Yeah.
11:58Yeah.
11:58Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.
12:28Ha!
12:54You haven't got a big jar you can put me in. I need pickling in brian.
12:58Why so ratty? Are you teething again?
13:01You just married an idiot, that's all. A pygmy!
13:04Well, everybody knows that. What else is wrong?
13:08I can't sell our surplus.
13:11You...
13:14But... But you said... You said that the man at the restaurant...
13:18Don't listen to me. I'm not going to in the future.
13:21What went wrong? Me. Bulk. That's all they're interested in.
13:24But we've got bulk. No, bulk, bulk. That's what they mean.
13:27Everywhere I went was the same.
13:29Certainly, Mr. Good, 30 tons of King Edwards a day, you've got a deal.
13:32You'll be able to get the juggernaut round the back, will you?
13:34I suppose a trolley on four old pram wheels doesn't really fit the bill, does it?
13:38Nor does our veg. We grew the wrong stuff. You know that, don't you?
13:41Completely wrong, this bloke told me. What does he know?
13:43Quite the lot. He's a greengrocer.
13:45He said if you want to cash in on the size of surplus that we produce,
13:48you don't grow peasant foods. King Edwards aren't peasants?
13:50Well, you know what I mean. They buy small amounts of your aristocracy.
13:53Royal sovereigns, for instance. Who?
13:55Strawberries, raspberries, all your pound of punnet stuff. Asparagus, that's a thing.
13:58Oh, I see what he means.
14:00I've seen Margot trample old ladies underfoot to get the first asparagus of the season.
14:03She's not the only one round here, is she?
14:05Remember the great artichoke riot of 74?
14:07Vividly.
14:08No, let's face it. Let's face the fact you chose the wrong crops this year.
14:10I did.
14:11But I forgive you. I forgive you.
14:13Next year there'll be specialty crops. We'll be quids in.
14:16Hmm.
14:17You couldn't make next year start tomorrow, could you?
14:20Why?
14:22Final demand for the rates.
14:25Dear sir, threat, threat, threat, threat, threat, threat, threat, threat, threat.
14:29Your obedient servant, hypocrites.
14:35Tricky, isn't it?
14:37Yes.
14:38Especially since we've only got £3.28 in the bank.
14:42Quite.
14:43If I sell my body to science, do you think they'd give me the money now?
14:4650p is not a lot of good.
14:49No, Tom, it all comes back down to that surplus.
14:53There must be some way of selling it.
14:55Honestly, love, I tried everywhere. As a wholesaler, I just haven't got enough of the stuff.
15:04Of course.
15:08Give me your spice to grease here.
15:10Pardon?
15:12Give me your spice to grease here.
15:18I thought that's what you said. What do you mean?
15:21Get your spuds and greens. Here, we cut out the middleman and sell direct to the public.
15:28Yes!
15:30Have an OBE.
15:32Have a kiss.
15:34Have a tomato.
15:42Good afternoon.
15:43Good afternoon.
15:45Nice hard heart.
15:48I expect those are crunchy too.
15:49Mmm.
15:50Full of flavour.
15:51Have you got any paint?
15:52Paint?
15:53You know, for painting things.
15:54No.
15:55Oh, all right, I think I'll leave it then.
15:56Oh, all right, I think I'll leave it then.
15:57Oh, all right, I think I'll leave it then.
15:59Oh, all right.
16:00Oh, all right, I think I'll leave it then.
16:03Hello, Margot.
16:04Hello, Jerry.
16:05Hello, Margot.
16:06Hello, Jerry.
16:07Oh!
16:08Oh!
16:09Oh!
16:10Oh!
16:11Oh!
16:12Oh!
16:13Oh!
16:14Oh, all right, I think I'll leave it then.
16:15Hello, Margot.
16:16Hello, Jerry.
16:17Oh!
16:18Oh!
16:19Oh!
16:20Oh!
16:21Oh!
16:22Oh!
16:23Oh!
16:24Oh!
16:25Oh!
16:26Oh!
16:27Oh!
16:28Oh!
16:29Oh!
16:30Oh!
16:31Oh!
16:32Oh!
16:33Oh!
16:34Oh!
16:35Oh!
16:36Oh!
16:37What are you doing?
16:38I'm trying to sell my veggies.
16:40But you're sitting where you can be seen.
16:42There's not a point of hiding in the shed, is there?
16:45Jerry, tell her.
16:46Tell her this is the avenue.
16:47Oh, she knows that.
16:48She lives here.
16:53Please, laugh.
16:54Go on, laugh.
16:55I hope you're still laughing when the value of property in this district plummets to an all-time low.
16:59Why should it?
17:00This is a residential area, Barbara, not a tradesman's ghetto.
17:04Oh, don't be such a snob.
17:06Don't you know what I mean?
17:08Anyway, I'm not a tradesman.
17:09I don't qualify as a tradesman.
17:11I've been sitting here all morning and I've only sold two pounds of carrots.
17:14Well, Tom had that restaurant manager practically grovelling on his knees to buy your stuff.
17:18Really?
17:19Who gave you that impression?
17:21Tom.
17:22Oh.
17:23You see, what I need is a bigger sign.
17:26That's the trouble.
17:27Gaudy neon one, presumably.
17:30Oh, don't be dumb.
17:31No, what I need is a bigger sign.
17:33Something to get me noticed.
17:34I'll tell you something.
17:35If the police notice you, you might have some trouble.
17:37Trouble?
17:38What do you mean trouble?
17:39You could be fined.
17:40Quite a lot.
17:41Trading without a license.
17:42Do you know, I really ought to talk to Tom about this.
17:50Where is he?
17:51Tom?
17:52Oh, he's out.
17:53Trading without a license.
17:56Giddy questions.
17:57Giddy spots of greens here.
17:58Giddy spots of greens here.
18:03Giddy spots of greens here.
18:11Please?
18:25all right come on that's enough are you talking to me yes i am clear off and just who might you
18:39be i'm ronnie boxall that's who i am not the band leader look don't try to find it with me
18:46i'm a fruiterer and greengrocer that's my van and this is one of my roads you've done very well for
18:52yourself haven't you i don't own the road i didn't say i owned the road what i'm saying is i've worked
18:58myself off on every road around here i believe that you're doing it again look what are you on
19:01about private enterprise it's taken me 10 years to work up this round and i'm not having anyone
19:06pushing me out of it that's not private enterprise that's the mafia look i'll have you know my father
19:13lost a leg at gallipoli would you leave me alone and go and help him look for it you've got competition
19:20so you better get used to the idea all right you better get out of here i'm warning you and who's
19:29going to make me eugene oh my god
19:42hello love well i've had no luck at all i'm afraid i've only served two pounds of carrots
20:08all damn then i found i was breaking the law anyway you've been running no well any luck no
20:22police no no no i just realized that selling stuff on the streets like that is unfair to us no no to
20:30good honest street traders like good old ronnie boxall after all he's taken 10 years to build up
20:35that round of it it's unfair for somebody like me just to walk in and take his trade away this is not
20:40the egomaniac that i love speaking oh yeah live and let live barbara oh rubbish what's the real reason
20:47he had this giant friend with huge boots and a boat through his neck
20:56never mind killer well i do mind that's the trouble all we're trying to do is live our own way and all
21:02we get is obstacles if it's not the law and red tape it's those restaurateurs trying to fleece us
21:07oh it's great big giants with boats through their necks i don't know how i'm going to pay these rates
21:15no neither do i i i'm sorry love oh it's not your fault no it's me if i planted the right crops
21:23a repursed place we wouldn't be in this mess i'm stupid oh come on tom we planned it together
21:28i thought we got it right that makes me stupid hello peasants oh somebody died we were just
21:40thinking about something that's all a glass of wine no you two are in a scrape aren't you my god
21:50he's found out about the transmitter in the attic give us 24 hours jerry before you phone mi6 barbara
21:54get us on the big flight the first flight to moscow in the morning again can't you be serious about
21:57anything what are you going to do about your rates pay them as soon as we sell the surplus
22:01veg but nobody wants it there is that how long have you got oh months how long six days oh lord
22:10look how much is that surplus worth about 90 quid right
22:17hi look i know charity begins at home jerry but you live next door this isn't charity it's a perfectly
22:22common-sense solution margot and i aren't carnivores we do eat vegetables but we're talking about a
22:27hundred weight of cabbages not the odd petit choux i mean we've got spuds in dirty great sacks not
22:32jersey specials in little polythene bags and you both hate carrots we know that for a fact oh come
22:37on j it's very sweet of you really it is but it's not quite your style now is it right the only thing
22:41you ever buy in bulk is gin you're trying to tell me something yes we haven't got any gin we've only got
22:45veg because we do have the peapod burgundy but we're hanging on to that because we think we've
22:49found a cure for scrofula what are you going to do only one thing to do sell the veg who to each
22:56other no no the restaurant we'll just have to take less than we hoped for oh yes of course that's the
23:02idea spend it take a loss more painful for you that way more enjoyable isn't it you must tell me
23:08sometimes where you get your hair shirts jerry yeah we're still in your gang in the playground aren't
23:14we fools oh tom we're not going to have to sell it a lot are we we've got no choice love mr runcible
23:25spoon will give us 70 for it but the rates are 81 20. yes doesn't that suggest something rather
23:32obvious to you no we haven't got enough now listen very carefully to me mr um mr squires i have itemized
23:46the components of my rates bill scrupulously as every citizen should mrs ledbetter i am not a citizen
23:52i am a resident road cleaning i shall pay street lighting i shall pay ground rent i shall pay but
24:03when it comes to the drain in front of my house i shall not because it is blocked up and overflowing
24:08oh well i'll make a note of that you will do more than that mr squires you will have a plumber on my
24:13doorstep at nine o'clock tomorrow morning with a plunger in his hand or you will not get a penny
24:18now just who do you think you are mrs ledbetter i am the silent majority
24:25right well uh i'll certainly get onto drains and try to get them to come this week nine o'clock
24:30tomorrow morning mrs ledbetter you're hardly in a position to make demands when i'm already
24:34holding your check in my hand that check is post-dated and can be cancelled in a trice
24:39nine thirty nine it will mrs ledbetter i'll get your receipt that's better hello margot having fun
24:50barbara i consider it my duty to remind these would-be commissars that i am an english woman
24:56and a householder not a mere number morning tom morning 38
25:00thank you mr squires tom barbara
25:13yes sir i was trying to pay the rates oh red demand nearly had the bailiff in eh
25:18you have stamped urgent on my hand well get on with it then
25:32cash or check both the cheque from my account three pounds 20 pence 28 pence
25:37checking from michelangelo and bardi for 70 pounds the rest is in coin of the realm
25:4181 pounds to advance it's been a struggle hasn't it barbara no once we found the money down the
25:53back of the chair and changed the 500 per se to note it was a breeze that and the telephone money
25:58but you haven't got a telephone anymore no we left all our tuppenses in this little box
26:03well i don't know how you can be so brave without a penny in the bag we can go on better than that
26:07we haven't got a penny anywhere at all oh come on tom you must have a little bit tucked away
26:10somewhere no it's not possible to have no money at all no it is because we haven't well what happens
26:17when the next bill turns out oh well we have something else to sell by then half a pig goat's
26:21horn aphrodisiac not in the rates office please tom what about all the little incidental soap for
26:30instance how do you buy soap mr oakchart's the chemist six eggs a bar excuse me mr good yes
26:36even though you stamped urgent on my hand i have not strayed from the path of duty
26:40i have to inform you that you have given me too much money here smashing how much one penny
26:47thanks heyo margot we're solvent again barbara
26:53tell me how you propose to keep yourself in um for a penny a gallon of goat's milk equals two pairs of
27:01knickers margo get on with your work no no no no no no no do you disagree with something margot
27:16it can't work tom it can't excuse me a minute you simply cannot exist without man you can you can't
27:23thank you thank you uh uh yes all right um add the button please um thank you well i feel better now
27:46really better that has proved my point i haven't got a penny left in the world literally but i still
27:50exist don't exist don't i for a moment there will come a time when you'll need money again there will
27:56not
28:10do
28:18do