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FunTranscript
00:00Transcription by CastingWords
00:30Careful, careful.
00:42Well, I didn't even do that.
00:44It's a lovely day, you see?
00:47They're up, Jaya.
00:49Cottonball.
00:51Have you got this in his own?
00:53Um, no, I didn't have it.
00:55I didn't make it.
00:56I didn't make it.
01:26What are you doing?
01:31Starting you!
01:34Where?
01:35The Rotary Cultivator Grand Prix.
01:39Oh, I see.
01:40Right.
01:41Okay.
01:42Okay, fair pouty.
01:43This is where you get yours.
01:44And put it off with the grid and into the lead.
01:53150 miles an hour.
01:55Approaching chicken food corner.
01:57Oh, my God, oh, my God.
01:58There's a lunatic with a bucket on the track.
01:59You fool!
02:01Shut up!
02:01Yes, shut up!
02:08Good morning, Margo.
02:09Good morning, Jerry.
02:10Good morning.
02:11What time do you call this?
02:13What time would you like me to call it?
02:15It is six o'clock.
02:18Oh, sorry.
02:19Did we wake you?
02:20People do not make this kind of noise at six o'clock in the morning in Surbiton.
02:24They do.
02:25Who do?
02:26We do.
02:27Well, I call it damned inconsiderate.
02:29I'd agree with you if it wasn't necessary, but it is.
02:31It's Mother Nature, isn't it?
02:33At this time of year, she says, dig my earth, she says, pluck my crops, she says.
02:36It's no good having a go at me.
02:37Take it up with her.
02:38I'll take it up with someone if this goes on.
02:40I'm telling you.
02:41Jerry.
02:42No, I mean it.
02:43Oh, damn it all.
02:44I've got to get up and go to work in a couple of hours' time.
02:47Well, then, you'd better go out to bed and sit and moaning at us, haven't you?
02:49Oh, what a beautiful morning.
02:51Here you are.
02:51Chucky, chucky, chucky, chucky, chucky.
02:53I've got a wonderful feeling.
02:54Yeah, really, going my way.
02:56Chucky, chucky, chucky.
03:12Honey.
03:14That's it.
03:17Yes, that's it.
03:20Madam, please.
03:23When I took the job as au pair here, I didn't think this sort of thing would go on.
03:26I'm just thinking how lucky I am.
03:30Really?
03:31I mean, I've got you at home all day, haven't I?
03:34Yes, yes, you are pretty lucky, yes.
03:37Of course, you know, a lot of wives would get irritated with their husbands hanging around all day,
03:40but, well, I suppose it depends on the quality of the man, really.
03:45Oh, I'm not saying you don't irritate me.
03:46I'm just saying it's nice having you at home.
03:50It's really filthy, this cup you're supposed to have washed up, you know.
03:53No, we are lucky, though.
03:54Yes.
03:55Well, take this afternoon.
03:56I could be cooped up in some rotten little office.
03:58You could be playing bumper cars to Moosak in the supermarket.
04:01Instead, we'll be out there putting our own seed potatoes in our own ground.
04:04It makes you think, doesn't it?
04:05Yes, tell you what it makes me think.
04:06What's that, love?
04:07Why can't you work in an office like a normal man?
04:10Ah!
04:11Well, it is a rotten job, planting 15 rows of potatoes.
04:15In anybody's book, it's back-breaking.
04:17Ah, was, I would have said.
04:20What do you mean?
04:20Planting potatoes was back-breaking until the invention of...
04:24The non-stoop-good-o-scope.
04:35What in heaven's name is that?
04:40The result of all that banging in the cellar yesterday.
04:43And the bad language.
04:45And the bad language.
04:45What does it do?
04:49Bunk some potatoes in there, would you?
04:51Go on, go on, go on.
04:52Get on with it.
04:55What does it do?
04:56Put them in there, go on.
04:57Put them all in there, right down there.
04:59That's it, one at a time.
05:00All right, now, hold it.
05:01Now, come over here, will you?
05:02Come over here.
05:03All right, now.
05:05There's your run, right?
05:07Down there, up and down, right?
05:08All right, now, watch carefully.
05:09Are you watching?
05:20One potato.
05:22Twelve inches between.
05:24Second potato.
05:27Third potato.
05:29Fourth potato, so on, so on, so on.
05:31What do you think of that?
05:32I think that's very clever.
05:34And you notice I didn't have to bend down once?
05:39Of course, they're not all eyes upwards, are they?
05:44Aren't they?
05:45No.
05:46If they're not all eyes upwards, they won't grow properly, will they?
05:49I know that.
05:52Well?
05:52Well, it's perfectly simple, isn't it?
05:55All you do is follow behind me and turn on the right way up.
06:01Which means bending down?
06:03Well, yes.
06:04Which is what you were trying to avoid in the first place?
06:07This is also a musical instrument.
06:10Go on, though, clever.
06:11Play it.
06:12It's also a wife beater.
06:16I didn't knock, because good manners seem to be a thing of the past in this house.
06:22I will simply ask you to return my nutcrackers.
06:28What nutcrackers?
06:29The nutcrackers you borrowed in 1967.
06:31And so conveniently forgot to return.
06:34Oh, yeah.
06:37I'm so sorry, Margot.
06:41How time flies, eh?
06:48Are these the ones?
06:51They don't crack Brazils.
06:53They did when I had the use of them.
06:55Excuse me.
06:56Is that all you came for?
06:57All?
06:58Barbara, if you cannot see that my asking for the return of my nutcrackers is symbolic of
07:02a shattered relationship, then I'm sorry for you.
07:04Ah, you mean this morning?
07:05Yes, I do.
07:06And so far as I'm concerned, there is nothing more to be said on the matter.
07:08I'd like to say something.
07:09There is nothing you can say, Tom.
07:10Yes, there is.
07:11No, there isn't.
07:11Yes, there is.
07:12We're sorry.
07:13What are you implying?
07:14Nothing.
07:16We're apologising.
07:18We talked about it when we came in and realised that we were in the wrong.
07:20It's as simple as that.
07:22Oh.
07:24Sorry.
07:26Oh.
07:27Yes, and we will try and be as quiet as mice until a reasonable time in the morning.
07:32Oh.
07:32And I won't start the Rotary Cultivator until you're up.
07:35Oh.
07:38Do you have any nutcrackers of your own?
07:42Do we have any nutcrackers of our own?
07:44No, we don't.
07:45No, we don't.
07:49Thank you, Margot.
07:50And they do work with Brazils.
07:52Would one have bought them, had they not?
07:54One would not, Margot.
07:55One would not.
07:58I'm glad we're friends again.
08:00So am I.
08:00You can help us put our potatoes in now.
08:02Oh, I'm not that sort of friend.
08:06I think we ought to frame these.
08:07I mean, after all, they are a symbol of peace between our two great nations.
08:11Yeah, yeah.
08:11Well, this great nation better get cracking with its agricultural policy first.
08:15Ah, yes, the spuds.
08:16I'm just trying to put it off.
08:17Got to be done, love.
08:18I know that.
08:19Never mind.
08:19My brain and your braw.
08:21Your brain?
08:25Get out of the gun!
08:32All right.
08:45Let's do it.
08:49Ah!
08:49Barbara, I can't get my willies off.
09:07Can't you?
09:09No.
09:16Barbara, I can't get my willies off.
09:19Oh, all right, come on.
09:25Oh!
09:28Oh!
09:29Oh!
09:30Oh!
09:32Oh!
09:33Oh!
09:37You want some soup? I can heat it up.
09:39No, no, I'm too tired of you.
09:41Good. So much.
09:42Well, we got the potatoes in.
09:44I've gone off potatoes.
09:45All we're going to do now is reduce the rest of the garden to a fine tilth, do the same to the allotments, get the early seeds under clutches, all the onion sets in, build the extension of the pigstive of Pinky's litter, and we're all set up for another year.
10:00Is that all?
10:01Apart from the routine chores, yeah.
10:05Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!
10:12What was that?
10:15That's the nearest I can get to hysterical laughter.
10:18It wasn't as hard as this last year, was it?
10:20Probably. I can't remember. I think I've got amnesia.
10:22Do you know who I hate more than anyone else at this moment?
10:26Me?
10:27No, even worse than you.
10:28Who, then?
10:29That Mother Nature woman.
10:30She has a holiday all winter, then comes bang, bang, wallop goes raving mad.
10:34Yeah, yeah.
10:37Yes, you see, it could be that we're approaching this the wrong way.
10:42If those potatoes have to come up, I shall set light to your hair.
10:46No, no, no, no, no, no.
10:46I'm talking about nature's clock.
10:48I mean, now, look, have you ever seen a sparrow yawning?
10:51No.
10:52No.
10:53And why?
10:54They probably hold their wings in front of their beaks when they do it.
10:57I don't know.
10:59Because they follow nature's clock.
11:00They get up with the sun and they go to bed with the sun.
11:02Clever dicks.
11:04What I'm saying is, Barbara, why don't we do the same?
11:07Well, it's only seven o'clock. Nobody goes to bed at seven o'clock.
11:10Ah, but it's only seven o'clock because your watch says so.
11:13Well, I'm funny like that. I usually tell the time by looking at my watch.
11:16But it's not important.
11:17What I'm saying is, why don't we try working while it's light and going to bed when it's dark?
11:22Well, we'd never see anybody.
11:23Well, only for a bit, only while we've got this heavy workload on.
11:25I know it seems a bit odd, but, well, it's common sense, love.
11:29All right.
11:30I'm game. If you are, I am whacked.
11:33Right.
11:35Oh!
11:37Oh!
11:42Of course, you know, if Margot comes in now and finds we've gone to bed,
11:46you know what she's going to think, don't you?
11:48Well, I mean, it's, uh, it's not out of the question, is it?
11:57The way we feel.
12:00Yes, you're quite right.
12:01Oh, God.
12:12Oh.
12:15No.
12:17Come on.
12:18It's freezing in here.
12:19Oh.
12:21Oh.
12:25God.
12:26I can't get my wellies off now.
12:34Why can't you sleep in them?
12:37I've heard about men like you.
12:40Oh, all right.
12:44Come on.
12:47Oh.
12:49Oh, Blanny, you've still got your trousers on as well.
12:50Well, I would have, wouldn't I?
12:52What?
12:52Oh, here, here.
12:54Get off the blank, get off the blank.
12:55Oh.
12:57Oh.
12:58Oh.
12:59Oh.
13:01Come on, it's freezing.
13:03Oh.
13:06Oh.
13:07Oh.
13:09Oh, that's better.
13:11Yeah, I told you it would be.
13:13Do you realise the arches are still on?
13:18Now, look, don't keep thinking about the time.
13:22We're just two little animals doing the most natural thing in the world.
13:25We're relying ourselves to drift into unconsciousness
13:28so our bodies can recharge until the sun wakes us up tomorrow.
13:32It's beautifully simple, you see.
13:34Yes, put it like that.
13:35Yes, it is.
13:36Hmm.
13:38Good night, love.
13:40Night.
13:40Night.
13:40Thanks.
13:41Oh, blast.
13:59What?
13:59I don't feel sleepy now.
14:05Neither do I.
14:07Still give it a chance.
14:08Give it a chance.
14:08Oh, I see.
14:09Do you remember when Grace Archer died in that fire?
14:18Barbara.
14:19Hmm?
14:19Sorry.
14:19Sorry.
14:28Some people actually sent wreaths, you know.
14:30Well, you wouldn't expect them to send get-well cards, would you?
14:38Do you remember when Walter Gabriel...
14:41Now, look, Barbara, we are here to try and get some sleep,
14:43not discuss the arches.
14:44Sorry.
14:45All right.
14:45You were the one who brought up people sending wreaths.
14:47Only because you brought up Grace Archer.
14:49Let's drop the subject, please.
14:50All right.
15:00You're going to start your puffing.
15:17I'm going to start talking about Walter Gabriel again.
15:20I'm sorry.
15:20I didn't realize I was doing it.
15:21Well, you were.
15:22Well, I'm sorry.
15:23All right.
15:23All right, then.
15:24Hmm.
15:30I was trying to breathe quietly so as not to keep you awake.
15:52Breathe normally, then.
15:54Okay.
15:55All right.
15:56All right.
16:08Oh.
16:09Now you're puffing up.
16:10Oh, goodness sake.
16:13If I can put up with your twitching, surely you can put up with a bit of puffing.
16:16What do you mean twitching?
16:17What do you mean twitching?
16:18You were twitching.
16:19I don't twitch.
16:20I don't twitch, Tom.
16:21You're like a puppy having a bad dream, you are.
16:23Oh, I don't.
16:24This is unnatural.
16:25Well, you haven't given it a fair chance.
16:26Well, I mean, it's ridiculous going to bed at this time of day.
16:29When we go to bed normally, we just lie down and go to sleep.
16:31We don't have a row about who's twitching and who's puffing.
16:33I'm sorry, love, but you've just given in to the obvious.
16:37The fact is that you are tired.
16:39It's only habit that's keeping you awake.
16:41Right.
16:42What's keeping you awake, then?
16:44You are.
16:45You lying house.
16:46It is true.
16:47It is absolutely true.
16:48If I was here on my own, I'd just close my eyes and be away in no time.
16:50Oh, all right, then.
16:51Go on.
16:52Get on with it.
16:53I will.
16:56All right.
16:58Oh.
17:00You're all right.
17:04You're all right.
17:22Come on.
17:28My move, cheat.
17:58Morning.
18:05Tired, love.
18:07Tired? Why should I be tired?
18:09Went to bed with the sun, got up with the sun.
18:12The fact I had no sleep between going to bed and getting up is neither here nor there.
18:17No, no, it wasn't a total success, was it?
18:20No, I don't think so. I think I realised that after about the fifth game of chess.
18:23What time was that? 12.
18:25When do we finish listing our top 20 films?
18:27About half past one.
18:28Yeah, I'm still not sure about psycho, you know.
18:30Oh, well, never mind. Another night like that you'll be living with one.
18:34I'll tell you something very interesting, very interesting indeed.
18:37We couldn't even get to sleep at our normal time, could we?
18:39Now, that is fantastically interesting. That is.
18:42It is, it is. I'll tell you one thing. There's more to metabolism than meets the eye.
18:46If you don't shut up, my fist will meet your eye.
18:48Oi! Oi! There's no point in getting annoyed with me.
18:51Well, I'm overtired and I get annoyed with who I like when I'm overtired and I'm overtired.
18:56Sorry, love.
19:01Not your fault. Good idea. Just didn't work, that's all.
19:07I'll tell you what. What?
19:09You go back to bed and sleep as long as you like.
19:11I'll get on with all the work and you can join me when and if and if you want to. How about that?
19:20Oh, Tom.
19:21Good night.
19:30That got you away, didn't it?
19:36Oh.
19:38Not now.
19:40Come on then, let's get out of here.
19:42All right.
19:43Come on, come on, buddy.
19:44Come on.
19:45Now then.
19:46Here we go.
19:48That's better.
19:49Oh!
19:51What?
19:52We promised not to wake Margot and Jerry, remember?
19:54Oh, yes, yes.
19:59What are you doing?
20:00I'm silencing the bucket for when I milk the goat.
20:02You're pathetic.
20:07Hello, Pinky.
20:08How's my little mother-to-be?
20:13You may be kicking, but you keep it to yourself.
20:17Hey, hey, Barbara.
20:18Hmm?
20:19I think there's something wrong with the goat.
20:20Why?
20:21It's a milk. Look.
20:22It's got blue streaks in it.
20:24Did you leave that sponge in there?
20:25Yeah.
20:26Well, the last thing I did was to mop up some paraffin with it.
20:30Oh!
20:31I know what I heard!
20:37It's ever so hard being considerate, isn't it?
20:39Yes, that's because it's foreign to your nature.
20:41Look, I'm going to go and get the eggs.
20:43You chop some wood for the rain.
20:46How do I chop wood without making a noise?
20:51Use a rubber axe.
20:52Morning, peasants.
20:54Jerry!
20:56Well, I'm certainly not the fairy at the bottom of your garden.
21:00But you're up.
21:01You're dressed.
21:02You're remarkably perceptive this morning.
21:04Well, let's get one thing absolutely clear.
21:05We did not wake you up.
21:07No, Margot did.
21:08We didn't wake her up either.
21:10No, no.
21:11Then why are you out here moaning at us?
21:13And you said good morning.
21:14Because we have been totally silent.
21:16Unless, of course, you can't breathe in.
21:17Yes, and totally considered.
21:19You can't claim to have heard a single noise from us this morning.
21:22I don't.
21:23And why?
21:24Why?
21:25Because we have greatness of spirit, that's why.
21:27It could also have something to do with the fact that we weren't here.
21:30What?
21:32We stayed overnight with some friends at Chobham.
21:34We've only just got back.
21:36What?
21:37Well, you might have told us, you thoughtless swine.
21:39Come on.
21:40Come on.
21:41Hurry up.
21:42I'll buy on the bed.
21:43Oh dear.
21:44What have you got all that lot for?
21:45Well, it's eight o'clock, isn't it?
21:46Yes.
21:47Going to bed, aren't we?
21:48Yes.
21:49Yes.
21:50Well, there we are.
21:51Just a few things to keep us going.
21:52those six or seven hours before we go to sleep.
21:55There's chess and halma.
21:56That war game that we never understand the rules of.
21:58And tiddlywinks and snakes and ladders.
21:59And a pen and paper to write down our feet.
22:00And a pen and paper to write down our feet.
22:01Oh dear.
22:02Oh dear.
22:03What have you got all that lot for?
22:04Oh dear.
22:05Oh dear.
22:06What have you got all that lot for?
22:07Well, it's eight o'clock, isn't it?
22:08Yes.
22:09Going to bed, aren't we?
22:10Yes.
22:11Well, there we are.
22:12Just a few things to keep us going those six or seven hours before we go to sleep.
22:17There's chess and halma.
22:18That war game that we never understand the rules of.
22:21And tiddlywinks and snakes and ladders.
22:23And a pen and paper to write down our 50 favourite songs.
22:28And a snack in case we get hungry.
22:32So you're not overconfident of getting to sleep then?
22:35Did I give you that impression?
22:37Well, sort of.
22:39Oh, I do try, Tom, honestly.
22:41Just I'm not convinced that adjusting to nature's clock is all that simple.
22:45We're whacked.
22:46We came in from that garden deadbeat.
22:47I mean, you actually fell asleep digging once and that's not easy to do.
22:51But you can't just go to sleep at eight o'clock in the evening.
22:55Look, I understand how you feel, love, but won't you just...
22:58Look, just try and snuggle down and...
23:01Well, just try and let go, eh, love?
23:04Eh, love? Eh?
23:06Well, the line...
23:07I think I'm good.
23:10What?
23:11Oh, my God.
23:14Oh, my God.
23:22Oh, my God.
23:25Wow.
23:26I...
23:27Oh, my God.
24:29Who was that?
24:33Who?
24:35I don't know.
24:37Probably.
24:39Okay.
24:47What was that?
24:49It's people in the row. Go to sleep.
24:51Bloody devils.
24:52It's all right. They're gone. I'll go to sleep.
24:55I'll kill them.
25:03I'll kill them.
25:16What is it?
25:24Drunks?
25:30No, it's not drunks.
25:31It's those so-called friends of ours next door.
25:33They're having a party.
25:34Oh, not denying, not denying.
25:41Shut up!
25:42So much for consideration.
25:52Oh, it's not fair.
25:54I mean, after all, what is gander for the sauce?
25:56It's goose for the other.
25:57Exactly.
25:59Blimey, we did all we could when they complained.
26:00What are we getting in return?
26:01Des O'Connor in the middle of the night.
26:03Will you shut up?
26:13Oh!
26:14Oh!
26:15Oh!
26:15Oh!
26:16Right, that is it.
26:23Where are you going?
26:23I'm going round there to break it up.
26:25That's where I'm going.
26:25Wait for me.
26:27I'm in the mood for a bit of violence myself.
26:29Oh!
26:30Oh!
26:30You can shut up for a start.
26:45Don't bother getting out of the car.
26:46The party is over.
26:57A cloth, please, Jerry.
26:58And Tonya has been careless with her cold slaw.
27:04Tom!
27:05Barbara, Stephanie, Denzel, do come in.
27:08Right, well, give them one drink.
27:09That's all they'll be getting.
27:11Barbara, really?
27:12Now, don't get on your high horse with me, Margaret.
27:14Hello.
27:15Consideration works both ways, you know.
27:16It's lovely to see you.
27:17Do go in.
27:19Everybody, it's Stephanie and Denzel.
27:21It's lovely.
27:21Slow down.
27:22Slow down.
27:22Slow down.
27:25Now, please tell me what on earth you're talking about.
27:27Silent gardening, that's what we're talking about.
27:30We promise not to make a row when you're in bed in the morning, so what do we get in return?
27:32Bedlam?
27:33I mean, just what time of night do you call this, Margot?
27:35It's half past eight.
27:36Exactly.
27:36And I think it's pretty poor.
27:39What?
27:40I said it's half past eight.
27:46Oh.
27:46At night?
27:50Of course.
27:52We've only been asleep for half an hour.
27:54Let's do, darling.
27:55Good Lord.
27:56It's the wee willy winkies.
28:00Hello, Gerry.
28:02Hello, Gerry.
28:03What are you wearing your pyjamas for?
28:04You came round to complain, Gerry, about us.
28:08Yes, but why put your pyjamas on today?
28:09We were in bed.
28:13At half past eight at night?
28:14Why?
28:17Gerry!
28:19No, we were just tired out, that's all.
28:22Oh, I see.
28:22Come to think of it, you did look pretty awful this morning.
28:25Well, I mean, we've got a right to look awful.
28:26I mean, after all, you know, it gets a bit frantic for us at this time of year.
28:28Well, come on, join the party.
28:30A couple of gallons of booze for as good as ten hours sleep.
28:33Shall we?
28:33Why not?
28:34We're fit, we're healthy, who needs sleep?
28:35Good, come on, then.
28:36Tom!
28:37Barbara, aren't you going to change first?
28:40Into what?
28:41These are our best clothes.
28:42No, no.
28:44Promise to tell everyone that you thought it was a pyjama party.
28:49Only if you slip into yours, Margot.
28:52Ta-da!
28:53Ta-da!
29:00Everything all right here?
29:01Good.
29:02You enjoy it?
29:05Are you enjoying yourself?
29:06Do you have a...
29:07Have some.
29:11It's getting there, isn't it, darling?
29:13No, it isn't.
29:14Why, what's that?
29:16Not what's, Jenny.
29:17Hoo!