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00:00I don't like you. In fact, you disgust me and most of my audience, am I right?
00:19You, you, you can take that look off your face, because you know what you are? You're scum, aren't you?
00:26You probably think I'm being aggressive. I'm not. I'm being honest with you. Do you know that? I'm being honest.
00:33Is it the first time you've ever heard the truth, is it? First time anyone's ever told you the truth to your face? You are revolting.
00:4012th floor.
00:48Hello, darling. Hello, Jared. Are you all right?
00:51No, I'm just feeling a little tired, a little faint.
00:54Oh, it's that lift. It ascends too fast. I've complained to the concierge.
00:58No, I don't think it's a lift. I just think it's my day.
01:00Well, at least we're not going down the mines, as we always say.
01:03Oh, I tell you off. The day I've had, the mines sound rather attractive. At least I wouldn't have to think. Manual labour does have its attraction.
01:10I'll pick you up a David Lamp and a Canary tomorrow, darling.
01:12Not funny.
01:13You just need a little pick-me-up.
01:15No, I think I'll have a shower.
01:17No.
01:18You just need a brandy.
01:20Right.
01:21Give it a good swirl. It's not an old one.
01:26Do you smell damp in here?
01:27No, I don't think so.
01:29I can smell damp.
01:30What is it when you smell damp? It's not having a stroke or a heart attack, is it?
01:33No, that's when you smell burning rubber.
01:35Oh.
01:36I've never smelled burning rubber.
01:38Well, I'm glad.
01:39Listen, I thought we might go to Farouk for supper this evening. You do so love the falafel.
01:43Darling, will you just sit down and let me tell you about my day?
01:46Of course.
01:47It all started with that awful row we had this morning.
01:49Darling, you've already apologised. No need to revisit that.
01:52But...
01:53I forgive you.
01:54But I don't think you have to, you see.
01:55No, darling, I know I don't have to. I know that, darling. But, you see, I choose to forgive you.
02:01Darling, will you shut up and listen?
02:03It all started this morning with that awful row we had about the plumbing.
02:08When I was in the shower and suddenly the water went stone cold.
02:13Jesus Christ! Oh! Bloody hell!
02:19Have you just turned on the hot tap?
02:20What, darling?
02:21Did you touch the hot tap?
02:22Er, no.
02:23You always do this when I'm in the shower!
02:25You have a bath where you say, oh, she's in the shower, I'll have a shave!
02:28Why, darling, you shave it in the shower, which is why the shower plug hole is all clogged up with your stubble!
02:32Come and feel the temperature of this water!
02:33Come on, feel!
02:36Go on, feel it!
02:39Slug ice!
02:40Did we put some more warmth through the mixer?
02:42Well, you try! I've tried! You try!
02:45Oh, what have you done? What have you done now?
02:48Jesus Christ!
02:50I was so bloody useless!
02:52I didn't do anything!
02:53Well, what am I supposed to do now? Everything is your fault!
02:56What?
02:57I mean, look, I've got to be at work!
02:58I've got a car waiting!
02:59I've got to be in it in ten minutes!
03:00I've got shampoo in my hair!
03:01I've got an interview with the mail and photos!
03:04And maybe if you can find some time in your entirely empty day, you might want to call the plumber!
03:09Yes, I will, darling, but you see today...
03:10Well, do it now! Why not do it now?
03:12Because I'm working today, darling!
03:13But what? When did you last work?
03:14When did you ever last do a day's work since you left BA?
03:16You know very well that Graham's coming around today and that we're going to be developing game-show formats!
03:21Graham?!
03:22Graham?!
03:23I mean, what on earth has that saggy-ass clown ever developed?
03:26Look, I know you don't like him, but he is one of my best friends!
03:29The only semblance of an original idea that old Queen ever had was his moustache, and that was a mistake!
03:34I shall look forward to reading them when I get home!
03:36Who says they're for you?
03:37If you want to earn your fucking keep, they're for me!
03:39I earn my keep every day. I put up with your relentless arms!
03:43What are you going to say?
03:44Nothing, darling.
03:45Call the plumber!
03:46Yes, I want, darling.
03:52Darling!
03:53I knew what you were about to do. You were about to ring the bell.
03:57You wanted to go into our brief encounter routine that we used to end arguments.
04:02The train for Ketterwith is now arriving at Platform 3.
04:05Trevor Howard was on his way.
04:07You're not angry with me, are you?
04:10But I wasn't going to Celia Johnson it for you.
04:13I was angry. Very angry. Angry with you. Angry with the world.
04:21But Lorna soon had me looking myself.
04:24You are going to airbrush this, aren't you? There's not much more I can do.
04:28Yeah, there shouldn't be a problem.
04:30And then the journalist started firing questions at me as if I was some sort of criminal.
04:34What qualifications have you got?
04:35I haven't got any formal qualifications, but I haven't got any phony diplomas hanging on my wall either.
04:41So what qualifications have you got then?
04:43I've got three O levels, two CSEs and a bronze Lifesavers.
04:45My qualifications come from the School of Life. That's why people come on my show.
04:50Privilege doesn't guarantee destiny. Thank you.
04:53I wasn't really listening to her.
04:55All I could think about was how cross I still was with you, Jared.
04:59How I resented you sometimes, I suppose, with your day to call your own.
05:03And to answer your question, no, I'm not the ring mistress of a freak show.
05:07I'm actually doing a public service.
05:09She didn't ask you a question.
05:11I love the picture, thank you.
05:14It's just, could you make it a bit smaller and give more room for the article?
05:18It's quite difficult to cover depression and self-esteem in that small space.
05:22Stuff to put forward for the meeting?
05:24Yeah, yeah, I'm just doing it now, actually.
05:26I went out last time, I got a bit behind.
05:29Can you give me a hand, please, Dionne?
05:32Sorry, I will, but I'm busy.
05:34It's just personal stuff for Viv, but I'll be finished in just a moment.
05:38Yeah, but don't show me that hand again, all right? Dionne?
05:45The interview seemed relentless.
05:47Why should I justify myself?
05:49I couldn't really concentrate.
05:50It's a wonder I made any sense at all.
05:52What do you think you learnt from the recent incident
05:55when one of your guests assaulted you?
05:57I learnt about vulnerability.
05:59I learnt how vulnerable I was in the face of unpredictable human nature.
06:03And will they only take them if they're potty trained?
06:05Suddenly, Helena was there.
06:07Light relief.
06:08And that's not something you can often say about Helena.
06:10Yeah.
06:11I've got an interview here at 12.
06:12I've got to leave, you know, get on with the meeting.
06:15We've got to, um, I need Viv now.
06:17Yeah, morning.
06:18Well, will you send Dionne for me?
06:20Yeah, Dionne, Dionne, right.
06:22Myself's incest guest photos, and have you seen them?
06:25Oh, darling.
06:26Coffee!
06:27Yeah.
06:28Naomi.
06:29Right.
06:30Stuff those and iron that.
06:32And I need my file on my desk for my meeting.
06:35And you, Damien, Omen 3, you need to re-park my car.
06:40Why haven't we started the production meeting?
06:42Because you weren't here.
06:43I mean, does everything have to fall apart just cos I'm not here?
06:46You're the producer.
06:47Yes.
06:48Thank you very much.
06:49Very nice to be needed.
06:50Viv wants Dionne, is that you, to come to the production meeting.
06:58And she wants Dionne to go and get her to come to the production meeting.
07:06Apparently she likes you.
07:08Can't think why.
07:12Carol, actually, can you go and get Viv?
07:15I'm a bit busy, actually, perhaps.
07:17Do as you're told, Carol.
07:19Go.
07:24I'm cool.
07:25I've worked with Wes.
07:26Have you?
07:29Jonathan.
07:30Er, one minute.
07:32No, no.
07:33Come on, come with me.
07:37Get up.
07:41How long will it take and how much will it cost for you to potty train my child?
07:44Me?
07:45Yeah.
07:46I need to get her into this really good nursery.
07:47Mariella's kids go there.
07:48Do you know Mariella?
07:49No.
07:50No.
07:51Oh, well, she's a really good friend of mine.
07:52It's a really, really good school.
07:53Look.
07:54Notting Hill Nippers.
07:55They take them from six till eight.
07:57Well, how old is your daughter now?
07:58Two.
07:59Oh, you mean 6am until eight at night?
08:02Yeah.
08:03She needs to be potty trained.
08:04So when can you start?
08:05Oh, come on.
08:06I'm not asking for a fucking favour.
08:07You see, I think we...
08:08Still at the pit face, I was trying to tie up the interview with a humble soundbite.
08:12I mean, if by what I have done I have saved just one life, I think it's been worth it.
08:17But you just shouted them.
08:19It has been said previously that you are, in fact, just a one-trick pony.
08:23What did she say?
08:24I'm afraid we need Viv now.
08:25Oh, I'm so sorry.
08:26I hope you do that.
08:27Good.
08:28Well, thank you, Janie.
08:29Um, send the copy to the office, will you?
08:31Oh, sorry.
08:32We don't do that.
08:33How's your husband, Gerard?
08:34I mean, what was I to say?
08:36I won't talk about my private life.
08:37I'm sorry.
08:38Yes, but he's a kept man, isn't he?
08:40I now find myself justifying you.
08:43No, he's not a kept man.
08:45Um, in fact, he's working very hard at the moment on quiz formats for me.
08:49Ooh.
08:50I will master the curbs.
08:52I will master the curbs.
08:53We have got to go back to Franco for more lessons.
08:57We don't need him.
08:58It's too late anyway, darling.
08:59He's gone back to Santa Monica.
09:01Crossing the embankment is a living nightmare.
09:04We should de-blade next time.
09:06What?
09:07And pad a cross in our socks?
09:08Are you insane?
09:09Ooh.
09:10Oh, I twisted my knee when I skidded on your cappuccino foam at Costa.
09:14Do you want some Arnico?
09:15It's in the Morrison cupboard.
09:16No, I want a bloody gin and tonic.
09:19No, leave it on.
09:21You go.
09:22You go.
09:24A one-trick pony.
09:26One-trick pony.
09:28Am I a one-trick pony, can I?
09:31Ooh.
09:32Oh, God.
09:33You know what?
09:34You are your scum!
09:35Okay, I'm gonna stay here and make some phone calls.
09:37Before the meeting.
09:38Good.
09:39Good.
09:40Good.
09:41Good.
09:42Good.
09:43Good.
09:44Good.
09:45Good.
09:46Good.
09:47Good.
09:48Good.
09:49Good.
09:50Good.
09:51Good.
09:52Good.
09:53Good.
09:54Good.
09:55Good.
09:56Good.
09:57Good.
09:58Good.
09:59Good.
10:00Good.
10:01Good.
10:02Good.
10:03Good.
10:04Good.
10:05Good.
10:06Good.
10:07Good.
10:08Good.
10:09Good.
10:10Good.
10:11over the phone where is it somewhere oh darling that's sweet of you but you
10:16don't need to apologize now we can do the bell later oh is it the mighty
10:20there will you shut up the plumber well yes of course darling I was here for the
10:30plumber in fact he's still here now he said it was a simple pressure problem
10:37darling all right darling later darling love you bye bye bye
10:42Graham you're drunk look we really need to do some work and I've got to get in
10:48touch with the plumber I'll do it no you will not I'm corgi registered are you
10:52yes there's green general plumber heartbeat 92 to 98 the Nick Berry years oh yes you
11:00were quite good in that all right you do the pipes I write touch nothing I don't
11:05want man who drinks his own piss that's Vanessa territory I do relationships
11:11my guests have made life-changing decisions to come on my show they've
11:16taken the first steps to turn their whole situation around so what's the fucking
11:21backstory um you know is the fact that all the fetus ruining the marriage um are
11:28the kids suicidal and in care come on give me something here people are they
11:32pregnant is the fetus in jeopardy you know what's gonna happen is the fetus gonna die
11:36let's get the fetus on let's film the fucking fetus brilliant um Naomi um just see if we've
11:42got to get the fetus to sign a release form something something that Vivian can work with
11:46I want transformations inspirations you got yourself into this you can get yourself out of
11:52this I'll help you you know straight talking honesty from the heart and if they're fat I want
11:58them so fucking fat you have to demolish the house to crane them into the studio all right
12:03give me some yeah yeah give me some jeopardy people come on where's the fucking jeopardy
12:07sorry I'm late yeah well time's up what have you got for me late boy
12:15uh I've got um a for anal stitching what right these guys no please let's let's just visit this
12:26woman and she sews up their ass will she come on the show yeah yeah yeah she'll come on have you
12:31talked to her what she what she sews up their ass pardon why well it's like their sexual thing
12:39yeah well they come back to her about two weeks later to her dungeon and she unstitches him and
12:45well you know they've got a bit backed up fecal impaction she either manually evacuates them or
12:55they they have an enema and your sexual pleasure all round please let's not go there so one day
13:00someone's sitting there and thinks I haven't got much on today feel a bit bored I know I'll have my
13:05ass stitched up this is not a freak show since when are you sure that's it the boiler aye that's
13:12it okay it's all very high tech isn't it well the whole system operates on pressure pad what do you
13:18think it is well what normally will happen does Graham don't do the accent just concentrate um well
13:24what normally would have happened is that the whole system would have drained down so we need to up the
13:28pressure so if I turn that valve and hold this one quick where the tools well I don't have any tools
13:41but what are we going to use then well I've got kitchen utensils a spoon
13:45right now something like pliers a garlic crusher yes no pickle fork we don't have a pickle fork
14:06you don't have a pickle fork Viv thinks they're common I know he wants to stop and you will won't
14:15you but we just need Viv to give him a good straight talking to I was looking at the same old stuff the
14:23dregs of humanity as show fodder and decoration on the wallpaper that is daytime TV I was angry all I
14:30wanted to do was get back at you Jared punish you hurt you make you feel small it's not him it's H H H from
14:41stats no I think you'll find his H for heroin I mean we've seen this all before I just can't do the
14:49methadone we are trying but it's hard then he hits me because he's aching all over he hits you because
15:00you're boring fucking hell I'll hit you it goes on like that for another hour or so the next one
15:06no no no no I can understand getting addicted to heroin but why can't they keep their teeth she might
15:12be good for the show do I want to be looking at that fucking cat mouth for half an hour when I was
15:16training to be a clinical psychologist we did a lot of these home visits here we go some of which
15:21were with their sort of assessments with child protection officers thanks um not helpful
15:27children taken into care that sort of thing and on one of these visits the door was open to me by
15:33this really really small girl it's about four or five years old and she led me into this really squalid
15:41damp basement flat I guess it'd be a man who else and the smell was overpowering of urine and crack
15:53these really wet walls and little girl led me in she she was sat quietly next to a baby who was a
16:06brother who was strapped in this car seat and his nappy probably hadn't been changed for about a week
16:14and the back of his head was flat because he spent all his days in the same position strapped down in
16:25this car seat and buddy sister she she smiled at her brother and I could see that her teeth little milk
16:34teeth were black and chipped and she fed and the baby brother and then herself from this little tin
16:44and in the next room I heard these um shouts thumps screams but she didn't flinch she just carried on
16:55feeding her brother and what did she sang she sang what did she sing wheels on the bus go round and round and round and round and round and round and round
17:06then I heard the thumping stop and the door opened and in walked the mother and she was she was so young
17:17but her face was really badly bruised and she had bite marks on her neck and she'd never she was pinned
17:24and just just been injecting but the little boy his face lit up when he saw his mum
17:31and she held the children and she asked me if I wanted some tea
17:36and on her swollen right cheekbone I could see this little nike tick shaped bruise where her partner
17:51one night had stamped on her face because they were withdrawing you see they played this this game of
17:59sort of violence and relief kind of ritual screaming and beating which gave them kind of temporary relief
18:08through this flood of endorphins anyway anyway um I told her about this woman's refuge
18:17but she said she couldn't deprive him of his kids in any way she loved him
18:22so I left and the kids were taken into care
18:28and then they were split up all fostered separately
18:34and you think this is the woman or
18:41no no that was 17 years ago no no this
18:44I was wondering if this might be the daughter
18:46you know just that little girl let me in
18:50now playing her own sadomasochistic game with her man
18:55who is the father that she once knew
18:59but never had
19:01it's incredible how
19:05one thing in a day
19:07can jolt you out of yourself
19:09for a second I forgot about you
19:12the journo
19:13and the plumbing
19:14I had an epiphany
19:18that was quite a story
19:29makes you think
19:31things you've seen
19:34the people you've worked with
19:36must change you
19:38yeah it does
19:40makes you more
19:41understanding I suppose
19:43yeah it can do
19:44but sometimes actually when there are kids involved
19:48it can turn you into a bloody Nazi
19:49and make you want to sterilise the whole bloody lot of them
19:51you could have your own show you know
19:57no really
19:58would you be interested in that
20:00oh yeah
20:02I can't say it hasn't crossed my mind
20:05I love them
20:12I want them
20:15book them
20:18babe I really don't understand
20:22you know like a minute ago
20:23you were saying you hate these people
20:25good backstory
20:26I reckon we could get them at each other's rights
20:28shut up you know nothing
20:29book them
20:30come on babe
20:32you know we have smack heads on the show the whole time
20:34the stories go nowhere
20:35they repeat themselves
20:36just shut up
20:37I'm sorry
20:38you saw what he did
20:39you all cried
20:41you all cried
20:43that's what I want
20:45that's what I can get from these people
20:47that's how I'm going to use them
20:49where's the stopcock
20:51I don't know
20:52oh Graham
20:53for God's sake
20:54it's standing to come through the floor
20:56Vibs means he's going to be finished any minute
20:59I'm a dead man
20:59I need something smaller than a oyster chucker
21:02but not a corkscrew
21:03a sweet corn fork
21:04a sweet corn fork
21:06lady vile thinks that a pickle fork is coming
21:09but a sweet corn fork ain't
21:11I beg to dip her
21:12give it here
21:14we can't keep having miserable self-pitying smack heads on the show
21:19then we will get morbidly obese smack heads
21:22or we will get hepatitis smack heads
21:24or smack heads with cancer
21:26and we will film them with their little
21:28black-toothed flat-headed children
21:30to make the nation weep
21:32no you can't
21:33the channel won't let her like
21:35I won't let her like
21:36it is my fucking show
21:39and the channel will do what I want
21:41fine
21:43Naomi
21:45book the smack heads
21:47oh
21:49you bloody violent bitch
21:53I love you for this
21:54come on it was an accident
21:55it was assault
21:57I'll sue you for this
21:58I'll go to the union
21:59you all saw that
22:00right you're all witnesses
22:01you can't do that
22:05you hit her on the head
22:07with your phone
22:07yeah
22:08have you seen the size of my phone
22:09it's tiny knee
22:10you can't hit people
22:13I always throw my phone
22:15she knows that
22:16why someone want to go after her
22:18I mean she said she might sue
22:19fuck it
22:21I'll do it
22:22Jesus
22:22all right
22:27is that all right
22:28you are
22:28hold it now
22:29you hold it
22:30okay
22:30yeah thanks
22:31oh these things that fly around the office
22:33hmm
22:35I mean it happens doesn't it
22:36but just unfortunately
22:37your head was in the way
22:38this time
22:38for fuck's sake
22:48it is tiny
22:49tiny
22:50tiny
22:51what the fuck is the problem
22:54well you know
22:56I could have
22:56I could have thrown this
22:57or I could have thrown this
23:00now Helena
23:00sit down
23:00no I haven't got time
23:02sit down
23:02and good
23:07what can I do to make this better
23:12hmm
23:12how can I make this right Carol
23:14no this is wrong
23:16Viv
23:16she's got away with this
23:18too many times
23:19but now
23:20all right
23:20she's hit the wrong person
23:21because now
23:22it's going to stop
23:23no I'm going to make her stop
23:24no I am
23:25good
23:25she can't treat people like this
23:27but do you know what I love about you
23:28you're tough
23:30aren't you
23:31no Viv
23:31listen
23:32I'm going to make her stand
23:34it's not just for me
23:36it's for all the ones
23:37who won't stand up
23:37who can't stand up
23:38all the runners
23:39and all the secretaries
23:40she's hit over the years
23:41it's for them
23:41I want an apology
23:43I'm sorry
23:44not from her
23:46oh
23:46er
23:47yeah
23:48no I'll
23:49I'll make her do that
23:49yes
23:50now
23:50yeah
23:52you're not going to sue
23:56please
23:57good girl
24:00but she needs help
24:01Viv
24:02and that's what she has to agree to
24:04in front of everyone
24:05here and now
24:06today
24:06well I think
24:07Jonathan's setting something up
24:08outside now
24:10would you mind stepping in
24:11you stay here
24:15okay
24:16Viv
24:18yeah
24:18you want to watch him
24:20he wants his own show
24:23thank you
24:26let's kind of talk about feelings
24:30who here has felt
24:32at any time in this office
24:33to be bullied
24:35everyone looked so afraid
24:39Gerard
24:40and you know
24:42no one looks more afraid
24:44than her
24:45now
24:45if I sit down
24:48thanks for setting it up
24:50but sit down
24:50I'm going to bring
24:52Helena
24:53I'm going to bring Carol
24:54that
24:54Carol
24:57Carol
24:58a little bump on her head
25:01there
25:03a bit of ice on the bump
25:04how's that feeling now
25:05has it gone down
25:06a little bump
25:06it's gone down a bit
25:07a little bump
25:07because I think
25:09that Helena
25:10has got something
25:12she wants to
25:12say to Carol
25:13yeah
25:14come on
25:15yeah
25:16my phone's broken
25:20your head broke my phone
25:23wait wait
25:25I think you've got
25:27something to say
25:27to Carol
25:28come on
25:29go on
25:29say it
25:30come on
25:31come on
25:31come on
25:32come on
25:34say it
25:34come on
25:35say it
25:36come on
25:37say it
25:37I'm sorry
25:38hold on
25:39everybody stop
25:40and think
25:40can't you see
25:41what's happening here
25:42what are we seeing here
25:44look at her
25:45let's have a little bit
25:47of you know
25:47understanding
25:48Helena
25:49is now the victim
25:51and she needs
25:51our compassion
25:52no
25:53no you listen
25:54listen
25:54listen
25:55her actions
25:58merely cries
25:59for help
25:59because you see
26:01the one
26:02hurting others
26:03is in fact
26:04the one most
26:06in pain
26:06no just come
26:08just just
26:08come on
26:09she needs your love
26:10come to her
26:12let's touch her
26:13come on
26:13let's all hug her
26:14yeah just
26:15just give us
26:16so why are you
26:16telling me this darling
26:17because that was
26:19my second aha moment
26:20of the day
26:20it'll help you understand
26:22what I'm going to say
26:22to you
26:23all day
26:23I've been going
26:24between anger and guilt
26:25guilt and anger
26:26and wanted to tell you
26:27that I was sorry
26:28but darling
26:28you've already apologised
26:29on the phone
26:30but I shouldn't have had to
26:31don't you see
26:33I shouldn't have blamed myself
26:34I mean you're not
26:36the victim in all this
26:37I am
26:38yes me
26:39I am the victim
26:41just like those sad
26:44smack heads
26:44and their flat-headed
26:45children
26:45just like Helena
26:46I am the victim
26:47you should have apologised
26:49to me
26:49you see sometimes
26:51the person doing
26:52all the shouting
26:52is actually the one
26:53screaming to be understood
26:55oh I understand
26:56you
26:57thank you Jared
26:58so how was your day
27:03fine
27:04the plumber come
27:08yes
27:08they're all fixed
27:11yes
27:12did you work with Graham
27:15did he had to leave early
27:16he felt ill
27:17I think we can ring the bell
27:22now don't you Jared
27:22the train for Ketchworth
27:38is now approaching
27:39platform three
27:40you're not angry with me
27:47are you darling
27:48no I'm not angry
27:49I don't think I'm anything
27:51really
27:51just tired
27:53forgive me
27:54forgive you for what
27:56everything
27:56for meeting you
27:58in the first place
27:58for taking that piece of
28:00great out of your eye
28:01for falling in love
28:02with you
28:02for bringing you
28:03so much misery
28:04I'll forgive you
28:06if you'll forgive me
28:07sweet corn forks
28:20aren't just common
28:22they're fucking useless
28:24as well
28:25goodnight
28:26got a skeleton in your cupboard
28:36a secret lover
28:37hidden under the bed
28:38or a dead baby
28:39buried under the patio
28:40ever committed a sin
28:42you dare not mention
28:42killed or worse
28:44burdened with secrets
28:45yours or maybe
28:46somebody else's
28:47we want to get the real
28:48issues out in the open
28:49I can help you
28:50reopen old wounds
28:51and feel that pain
28:52the Vivian Vile show
28:54is doing a week long
28:54special
28:55secrets and lies
28:56contact us
28:58we'd love to hear from you
28:59you