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00:00I don't believe you two. I mean, he's a very lucky man, isn't he? Because you're agreeing with him, darling.
00:19I mean, how many men out there would suddenly like to develop a sex addiction if they knew they could get away with it, huh?
00:24I can't help it, Viv. Sex is like my oxygen.
00:27No, no, no. You're doing it because she's letting you do it. Isn't that the truth?
00:31He doesn't mean it, Viv. He can't help it.
00:33He's cheating on you. He's sleeping with other women.
00:37Turn your sin into a disease, he'll get away with murder these days.
00:39Half an hour in the priory and then you're free to commit again.
00:42It's just therapy is the new capital of punishment, isn't it?
00:44Hanging's too good for them, my love.
00:46I want you to tell me what you really think about him.
00:50Viv?
00:52This man, this man is a brave man.
00:54What programme is your machine on?
00:56I seem to be on constant hill climb.
00:58I mean, I don't need a bloody Sherpa to finish this.
01:01I feel like your brother, eh, mate?
01:03I feel like your big brother.
01:04Yeah, yeah.
01:06He's so busted, isn't he?
01:09Do you know, I'm getting some of his audience now.
01:14I'm right up his arse in my ratings.
01:16You must be on easy or something, darling.
01:19Oh, yeah.
01:20Oh, look, you are.
01:21Get off, get off, get off.
01:22Come on, darling, brand new show, brand new Vivian Vile, brand vile.
01:29Did you just brand me like a heifer?
01:32Don't do that.
01:33I don't like the pssst noise.
01:35Go on.
01:41I'm going to come up here.
01:42I'm going to sit on you.
01:43You've got a very friendly lap, madam.
01:46How are you?
01:47I'm fine, thanks.
01:47Yeah, you've got all the sharks on the teddy, haven't you?
01:50Yes.
01:51Do you know the difference between sex and a chicken leg?
01:54No.
01:54No?
01:55Do you want to come on a picnic?
01:57It's very good the way he works his audience.
01:58What?
01:59No, darling.
01:59No.
02:00He's thoughtful.
02:00He's end of peer.
02:01I'm going to see you next time.
02:07I'm Chris Connor, here for you.
02:09Thanks very much.
02:10Have a great day.
02:11Who's the man?
02:12Your man.
02:13See you tomorrow.
02:14Bye-bye.
02:15Sick.
02:16Oh!
02:17Oh!
02:17Do you want Oprah does that?
02:32Her audience do that.
02:33Yes, they do.
02:38Do you press the button?
02:39Yes, I press the button.
02:40Please slow.
02:41Please slow.
02:4212th floor.
02:42Here we are.
02:43What's that joke I do?
02:48What's the joke?
02:49Oh, no, darling.
02:49No, the joke.
02:50The sheep.
02:51The interrupting sheep.
02:52Yes, but it's not funny, darling.
02:52Don't have to be funny.
02:54Wife beating to dying child.
02:57Got a ring to it, isn't it?
02:58Oh, dying child.
02:59Is that today?
02:59No.
03:00Oh, God.
03:01What's her name?
03:02Kimberley.
03:02Kimberley.
03:03How many times has that girl been on the show still dying?
03:07I tell you what I need.
03:08I need her disease.
03:10That name of the disease.
03:11You know, she's got written on a card for me this time.
03:13What did I call it last time?
03:15Photosynthesis.
03:16Photosynthesis.
03:18Morning.
03:21I want names of other words for beating, hitting.
03:24You know, for this woman.
03:25If I can say slap, slap, slap, slap your bitch up.
03:28Is that a good term?
03:29Bit slapping?
03:30I just want to, funny words.
03:31Funny words.
03:32What's wrong with her?
03:34Oh, she said some bad news about her sister.
03:36You know the actress Jessica Duend?
03:39Is that her sister?
03:40Really?
03:40Because she's gorgeous.
03:41What happened?
03:44She got a big American movie.
03:52What movie?
03:53Oh, some rom-com piece of old Jane Austen thingy remakes set in L.A. starring J.K. Gil-gang-gilly-gobble-kicking-by-file.
04:07Well, she hasn't got a baby.
04:09Yes, thank you, Carol.
04:13Useful to know who the father was.
04:15What?
04:19So, look, she is merely an actress.
04:22A very beautiful one, but all the same, I mean, you run a production company.
04:27You know, Duend Productions.
04:29You know, think of all the shows you do.
04:31You don't just do this one, you've got all the other ones.
04:32Square Watch and Team Fat, yeah.
04:33Don't talk to me.
04:34Yeah, but look about your energy, the way you inspire these people.
04:37Oh, Viv, you've got that meeting with publicity later.
04:39Oh, yes, we're going to see the new promo.
04:44Come on, darling, I'll get you to America.
04:46I want to talk about the car park.
04:46I'll be in makeup, all right?
04:48Well, give me somebody who can talk to you.
04:49Oh, before I go, can I, everyone, listen?
04:52I'll never get it.
04:52Today, in the show, probably before dying Kim.
04:57Belie.
04:58I'm just going to go into the audience and just ask them what they think for a moment.
05:04It's the only day of the week that I...
05:06What? I mean, just a, just a little bit of rapport.
05:09You know, like, like, like Chris Conner does, like, like Tyra, like Oprah.
05:13Do you want me to warn them first?
05:16No, that's not funny.
05:17Not funny.
05:18I'll be in makeup.
05:19Right, OK, right.
05:21What's she say?
05:22She's going into the audience.
05:24No, she can't do that.
05:25No, fuck.
05:25Oh, shit.
05:26Fuck.
05:27Stop.
05:37Oh, darling, the cushion cover isn't interesting.
05:39I know, it's cool.
05:39I've got my cleanser on.
05:40Oh, I thought it was the doctor.
05:42Well, I'll get them sent.
05:43Oh, stop.
05:44What, what, what?
05:45Oh.
05:46It's all done.
05:47Oh, you're insane.
05:49I mean, why is she thinking like this?
05:51I don't know what she's thinking.
05:51You know, English bitch works in the States, baby.
05:55Don't fuck with the formula if it works.
05:58You know, do not go near the audience.
06:01What, what, what?
06:01All I'm thinking is I might just, you know, bring them in a little bit.
06:04No, no, no.
06:05The audience includes them.
06:06Just maybe ask them a few questions.
06:08No, no, no.
06:08No, darling, don't go in there.
06:08You might catch something.
06:09No, no, no.
06:10No, yes, I'm sorry.
06:11No, darling.
06:12Listen, listen, we are strategizing the show, babe.
06:14I know.
06:15I mean, fuck it.
06:16That is why we are seeing Rosie.
06:18I know.
06:18English bitch brand, babe.
06:20Yes.
06:20English bitch brand.
06:21Yes.
06:22Do not make that noise.
06:23I do not like it when you make that noise.
06:25I hate it when you make any noises.
06:37I mean, before I met her, it was with a lovely girl.
06:40Yeah.
06:40And I mean, she could cook even.
06:42And that beautiful girl from Harrow and that, but not this one.
06:45She's trash.
06:46She's not good enough.
06:47You're saying she's not good enough for your son.
06:49That one's good enough for your son.
06:51Yes, they are.
06:52But not you, you bitch.
06:53Watch.
06:54Talk to your mother, Wayne.
06:55Go on.
06:56Go on, Wayne.
06:56What have you got to say?
06:57She made me lose my baby when she kicked me in the belly.
06:59No, keep her off that.
07:00The case hasn't gone to court yet.
07:02Jesus Christ.
07:03Why wasn't I told about this?
07:05I'd have never have passed these people.
07:07This is terribly dangerous.
07:09You said I slept with all them blokes for money, and I never.
07:11I never.
07:12Oh, so why'd you smack him that time in, eh?
07:15Eh?
07:15Because your dad smacked me.
07:16Now, he's in prison.
07:17We can't go there.
07:19There was so much damage there that I think that the end of my life,
07:22the only thing we can do at this stage
07:23is just to kind of get them, you know, to talk to each other
07:26so at least they can live in the same house
07:28without killing each other.
07:30No, we're just making time.
07:31This is not about you, is it, Ben?
07:34Look, I even took the teddy vans.
07:36I even took...
07:36It's not about who hit who.
07:38It's not about how you lost your baby.
07:40It's about who's an adult in this relationship, isn't it, ladies and gentlemen?
07:46You're not an adult.
07:47You're not behaving like an adult.
07:49You're not behaving like an adult.
07:52And, Wayne, what have you got to say for yourself, hmm?
07:55Come on, Wayne.
07:57You're just going to sit there smirking.
07:59What have you got to say for yourself?
08:01You're on the Vivian Vile Show.
08:02I'm going to have my say for a moment.
08:07In fact, I'm going to let my audience have a say.
08:10I think she's going in.
08:12I'm sure they'll find you as ridiculous as I do.
08:15The fox is in the hen house.
08:17The fox is in the hen house.
08:18Two stay on at three and four.
08:19Stay on the guests.
08:20One, five and six.
08:21Find me shots of the audience enjoying this moment.
08:24What do you think of them, hmm?
08:29What do you think of...
08:30What do you think of our guests today?
08:34Cup.
08:36Cup round.
08:38Come on, someone's...
08:39Oh, Christ.
08:40Oh, Mother of God.
08:41She's killed the show.
08:42She's killed the bloody show.
08:44It's a lovely blouse.
08:49Yeah, you see, my audience is speechless.
08:51OK, OK, we're back.
08:52She's back out.
08:53OK, two shots, three.
08:54She disgusts me and most of my audience with your behaviour.
08:57What about you, Wayne?
08:58You've got nothing to say.
08:59You're not a man, are you?
09:00This is how a man behaves.
09:02Empathy.
09:03Empathy.
09:05Pathetic, Wayne.
09:05You like that.
09:06No, this is slightly more complex.
09:08I think we're on the phone.
09:10No, no, it's actually much, much more complex.
09:14These people need psychiatric evaluation.
09:16All right, just shut up.
09:17Shut up.
09:18I'll rush a bit.
09:18Because I'm going to send you backstage to have this sorted out with our director of aftercare,
09:25Dr. Jonathan Fowler.
09:26These people aren't booked for aftercare.
09:29I'm not supposed to...
09:30I'm supposed to go home early today.
09:31I have a clinic.
09:33I have very sick people who need to see me.
09:35I haven't done my makeup.
09:37You might want to watch the rest of the show because you might learn something.
09:43Because in a moment, we're going to meet again a very special little friend of the Vivian
09:48Vile show.
09:49Kimberley Walsh.
09:52I wonder how many of you remember her.
09:54Who, despite her many struggles in life and her terminal illness,
09:58she remains cheerful and thankfully alive and an inspiration to us all.
10:05I'll see you after the break.
10:10Okay, so you're clear on why you're here today, yeah?
10:13Yes, I'm dying.
10:15Oi, Damien.
10:16How are you getting onto the stage?
10:18I'm going to need a ramp, you know.
10:26We need a fucking ramp.
10:28Ramp.
10:29Steady.
10:32I'm dreading that little girl.
10:36I just don't know if I can make that face anymore.
10:38It's not exactly what a new show's about, is it?
10:40Uh, don't worry about the audience thing.
10:42You know, we're going to cut round it.
10:46Oh, shit.
10:47That's blown the reveal.
10:49I know, I'm sorry.
10:50I'll get them to go on again, all right?
10:52What, that audience?
10:53That load of morons.
10:54Did you see what they were like when I went in there?
10:55They were nervous.
10:57They were frightened.
10:58Of what?
11:00Of me?
11:01Yes.
11:03Why?
11:03Oh, yes.
11:04Why would they be frightened, do you?
11:06Because you're such a lovely, cuddly, soft, warm, cute, girly girl, aren't you?
11:12You walked in amongst them like a shard of ice.
11:15But remember, they love you because you're a...
11:17Bitch.
11:20Bitch.
11:23Well, Kimberly, you've been a delightful guest as ever.
11:26And I've got a little present for you here.
11:28Something to take away to remind you of us.
11:32So we'll see you on the show again, I hope.
11:35Will you come back?
11:35You will?
11:36Yes.
11:36Good.
11:37Ladies and gentlemen, give it up for Kimberly on The Vivian Vile Show.
11:44I'm grateful.
11:45I just need to find a quiet room and we can just talk about all of this.
11:50Talk about what?
11:51Oh, look, there she goes again.
11:53What do you mean there I go again?
11:54What are you talking about?
11:55You just don't shut up all the time.
11:57You're a fine one to talk.
11:59Don't shut up.
12:00Are you joking?
12:01It's got nothing to do with you, right?
12:04At the end of the day, I seriously do not know what you're talking about in my face all the time.
12:10I just turned to the other one.
12:11Who?
12:12The other girl like you, the white one, red hair.
12:15I don't know.
12:17See you next time, babe.
12:19I'm off to do four-O grading.
12:21Marvellous.
12:22The minute you are in the joint.
12:24I could see you were a man of distinction.
12:28A real big spender.
12:31Good looking, so refined.
12:34Say, wouldn't you like to know what's going on in my mind?
12:37So let me get right to the point.
12:40I don't pop my cock for every man I see.
12:45Darling, we talked about the audience, didn't we?
12:47Don't go there.
12:48What's that?
12:49It's the new dog, darling.
12:50She's trying too hard.
12:51We hate dogs.
12:52Why do we have dogs?
12:52No, I don't like it either, darling.
12:54Get rid of it.
12:55No, I'm sorry, darling.
13:02I just want to tong your hair.
13:04We're meeting Jerry and Tony in the Ivy afterwards.
13:06Remember?
13:07Change to frog?
13:07No.
13:08We've got a meeting.
13:08Remember about the promo?
13:09Come on.
13:09The promo meter?
13:10Oh, God, yes.
13:11Come on!
13:12I'm coming, darling.
13:14I thought the dog would be a place.
13:16He doesn't do much, though, does he?
13:18Hmm.
13:20Maybe that's his technique.
13:22Hmm.
13:24Well, isn't that what they do?
13:26They get paid to do nothing.
13:27Hmm.
13:30It's only for the insurance, though, isn't it?
13:32So they can say they sat with a psychologist for a few minutes.
13:36Hmm.
13:36Can you just bear with me?
13:39I'll just leave you with that.
13:40Oh, God.
13:43This is not helpful.
13:47Can you please stop staring?
13:51And you, could you go make me a cup of coffee, please?
13:55No.
13:58So, er, how are they doing with the old psychological?
14:02Is there any hope, Doctor?
14:03Well, I've got a woman who has recently lost her baby.
14:06And another who is regularly beaten by her husband.
14:08And a mute.
14:10So it may take a bit of time.
14:12Well, you've only got 15 minutes till the coach comes.
14:15I'll give you the nod, all right?
14:18Listen, when Viv gets here, nobody mention the fiasco.
14:23And will somebody get me a fucking coffee?
14:29You explain to me what it is, right,
14:31when a person gets one tiny little bit of success
14:34and then they suddenly think they fucking know it all.
14:36Do you know what that is?
14:37Yes, er, it's called Delusions of Grandeur.
14:39And would you please leave the room?
14:41Hello?
14:42OK.
14:43Helena, it's Maria.
14:47Everything's going to be fine.
14:48Oh, look.
14:54What, the baby what?
14:56Found Smarties.
14:57Right, what Smarties, Maria?
15:00What?
15:00Not my bedroom, Smarties.
15:01Which Smarties?
15:03Which Smarties?
15:04Which Smarties?
15:05Er, case...
15:05case Smarties, er, the baby come here.
15:09Oh, hang on.
15:10Um, fiasco!
15:12Total!
15:12It was the audience.
15:13Oh, yeah, right, right.
15:14I mean, how fucking hard can it be to screw me up a decent audience,
15:18you know, to stir up the pond and scoop some more out?
15:21I mean, where do you get that lot?
15:22Grow them in Petri dishes, grow me in other audience.
15:24What with at least one brain cell, please, between them?
15:26Bad workman blames his chores.
15:27Rosie will be here in a minute.
15:29God, I really needed this today.
15:31Damien, get for coffee.
15:32Yeah, Maria.
15:34Care, sweeties.
15:34Sweeties.
15:35So, let me take your hand.
15:38Wayne.
15:39Come on.
15:40That's good.
15:41And could you take your mother's hand?
15:44Good.
15:45How does that feel?
15:47OK, you don't have to speak.
15:49Now, where would you like to take that hand?
15:56OK.
15:57OK, Maria.
15:58Memento.
15:58Yeah.
15:59Now, the last thing we need to do...
16:02Very long.
16:04Yeah, um, sorry.
16:07Just a quick one.
16:08Um...
16:09Exorcising babies.
16:11Um, is that a problem?
16:13No, it's not a problem.
16:14OK, cool.
16:15Anyway, what's wrong with a smiley baby?
16:18What do you mean, not a problem?
16:20You're the problem?
16:21What about that time you gave Fendi the shoe polish?
16:24She had black stuff coming out of her nose for weeks.
16:26And now you're saying it ain't a problem.
16:28This is the problem.
16:29Um, go hospital...
16:32Dali.
16:32Emergency.
16:33With baby.
16:34With the con...
16:36Uh, baby.
16:36Bang.
16:37OK.
16:37Shh.
16:38Shh.
16:38Shh.
16:38You all right?
16:39Yeah, fine.
16:41It's just the, um...
16:42Nanny's going with the baby.
16:43Just for check-up to the hospital.
16:46Well, what's she eating?
16:47Shouldn't you go?
16:47Well, she's going to find smarties.
16:48You know, but...
16:49I can't.
16:49I'm too busy.
16:50Ha.
16:50What am I doing?
16:51Well, Kirsty Allsop is still sitting in her contacts.
16:53I've got Vanessa in my tits.
16:55Fern up my arse.
16:56And I'm pissing Carol Smiley.
16:57I don't keep smarties.
16:58I mean, I'm so careful.
16:59I never have refined sugar in the house.
17:02If you're a media type, prepare to get eaten, darling.
17:04I don't...
17:04Hi, we've got to get this meeting going.
17:05Hi, darling.
17:06Hi, darling.
17:06Darling, phone.
17:07Yes, okay.
17:07Phone.
17:08I'll speak to you next.
17:08Quickly.
17:09So who is it we're meeting again?
17:11Rosie Miller from Blue Bottle.
17:12Bumblebee, darling.
17:13No, no, no, she went back.
17:13She went back to Blue Bottle.
17:14From Bumblebee?
17:15Yes, from Bumblebee.
17:16I didn't know it.
17:16Yes.
17:17Right, everybody.
17:19Actually, you know everybody, don't you?
17:20I mean, there's a bit, obviously.
17:22Hi.
17:22Hi.
17:22Hi.
17:25This is Josh, our creative.
17:27Hello, Josh.
17:28Hi.
17:29Can we crack on?
17:30Because we've got a meeting in half an hour at the Ivy with Tony and Guy.
17:34Tom and Jerry.
17:34Terry and June.
17:35Jerry and Tony.
17:36Jerry and Tony.
17:37Jerry and Tony.
17:38Crack on.
17:39Well, this is Josh, our creative.
17:41Yeah, said that.
17:41OK, well, this is our brief.
17:44Mm-hmm.
17:45New market positioning.
17:48Up market.
17:50This is the starting point.
17:53We are working to create a new audience, hence the new you.
17:59We are looking at the expectations behind the brand experience
18:03in order to brand your image onto the bicycle of you,
18:05and hence increase your value.
18:08This is Venn.
18:09This is Venn, as opposed to Vivian.
18:18This is Venn.
18:20This is why we chose the colours.
18:23We are creating a media icon, but positioning by disassociation as well as association.
18:32Do you see?
18:32Can we just see it?
18:36Just crack on and play the promo.
18:38OK, Josh, he's our technical guy.
18:40He'll do this.
18:47Short teeth.
18:48You'll see the grey squirrels popping about.
18:50Even in parks.
18:51Now I'll come up to you.
18:51I'm Vivian Vile, and I'm standing here outside my local garage,
18:54where mechanics have been conducting the wedding.
18:58It's Prince Charles to Lady Diana Spencer.
19:01I'm standing here with local SDP candidate David Rumsville.
19:05I'm going to go.
19:14I thought it was marvellous.
19:44I thought you looked wonderful, darling.
19:45I thought the glasses worked, the coat was great,
19:48and the car was inspirational. That was my eye.
19:49I hate the roller.
19:50See, the roller doesn't work, Rosie. It just doesn't work.
19:53OK, look, babe, I mean, you know, how can you hate the promo?
19:56It's, you know, not perfect, but, you know,
19:58there's a few little things, and it's all doable, you know?
20:01You don't really hate it.
20:02I hate it. I hate it as a piece of shit.
20:04It doesn't say anything. It says nothing.
20:06It's shit. It's shit. It's not me.
20:08I thought this was what we discussed.
20:10It might have been what you two discussed. It wasn't what I discussed.
20:12I think it's got something, you know?
20:14Um, let's not throw the baby out of the bathwater here.
20:16OK, a few tweaks here and there if you're not happy.
20:20I hate the whole thing.
20:25Why do I hate it? What am I trying to say?
20:27Well, with all those old images tumbling round,
20:30it felt like an obituary.
20:33That's brilliant, yes.
20:35You're welcome.
20:35Babe, can we just get real here for a minute?
20:37Is it because you think it makes you look old?
20:42What? Old? What?
20:43Well, because I have to say, I agree with you, you know,
20:45I don't think it does you any favours.
20:48You know, it's kind of old-fashioned, hokey, can't...
20:51But, you know, what we can airbrush and treat it, you know?
20:56Shoes it up a bit and, you know, make it work.
20:58OK, OK, we do have another idea.
21:02Great.
21:02It's great. OK, Josh, on you go.
21:06Do the balloon. The balloon thing.
21:08Right.
21:10I'm a bit more performance-orientated.
21:13It's like we're doing it on blue screen,
21:16but it's a big, sparkly studio.
21:18Yeah.
21:19And, Viv, like, you're looking...
21:22glamorous.
21:24Ooh, we like that, don't we?
21:25And you're struggling to open a bottle of champagne
21:29and then it pops
21:31and a big balloon comes out for the bubble
21:33and the graphic on the balloon says,
21:36The Vivian Vile Show.
21:38And you're holding on to the balloony string
21:43and you're being drifted up
21:45and you're pulling, like, a surprised-ish kind of
21:49pleased-ish face.
21:50I will never make that face.
22:03You're fired.
22:06OK.
22:08Bees yourselves.
22:09Come on, Josh.
22:11We'll give it to Jan Leamy.
22:13Come on.
22:16Get Miriam.
22:17Miriam?
22:17Miriam Schultzman.
22:19Miriam Schultzman?
22:20Is that an olive I've popped in my mouth?
22:23I don't know.
22:24I'll have to ask him.
22:25Jared?
22:26Is that an olive?
22:28Yes.
22:28Is it an olive I've popped in my mouth?
22:30Yes, it is.
22:31Well, it was delicious.
22:32I'll have another one if there's one going,
22:33but don't put yourself out on my account.
22:37So how is it with you and Viv?
22:39So you're married, but are you still gay?
22:41What's the story?
22:42You're talking to a man who had his cock removed.
22:43Come on, open up.
22:45Me and Ruth popped it in a box
22:46and floated it down the Ganges.
22:48There'll do nothing but your cock in the Jewish faith.
22:50Your foreskin, yes.
22:51Your cock, nothing.
22:52Miriam.
22:54There she is.
22:55At last.
22:56Is it you or is it Aphrodite?
22:59It's Aphrodite, if I'm not mistaken.
23:02Darling, how are you?
23:04Very well.
23:04The cab cost me 50 quid.
23:06Where are you living now?
23:07The cab cost me 50 quid.
23:08Jared, I gave you the receipt, yes?
23:10Yes.
23:1050 quid Aphrodite.
23:12You'll sort it, my darling.
23:13You sit down.
23:14I'm going to be with you in a minute.
23:14Before you ask me about Ruth,
23:16so let me tell you, she's wonderful.
23:18She's like her mother, God rest her soul.
23:19She's ballooned.
23:20She's always ill, but she's ballooned.
23:22Look, darling, I love Mervyn.
23:25Miriam.
23:25Miriam, darling.
23:26Obviously, I love Miriam.
23:27I love him dearly, but he is a freak.
23:29The pins come out of her hips.
23:30She's splat on the floor like a jellyfish.
23:32Look, I love his clients.
23:33I love Joan.
23:34I love Christopher.
23:34I love Esther.
23:35I love everyone he represents,
23:36but he is in a bit of a time zone,
23:38and he is a freak.
23:39For God's sake, Jared.
23:40Did I tell you she's ballooned?
23:42It's okay, now.
23:42So what are they doing?
23:44What's this Rosie Miller doing at Blue Bottle?
23:46Well, whatever it is, it's not me.
23:48That's because you don't know who you are.
23:50I mean, that might be you,
23:52but it's not her, and she isn't you.
23:54Who are we talking about here?
23:55Are you getting my drift?
23:56Miriam, I just want you to take control.
23:58Let's face it, you're inviting us to visit the asylum
24:08to have a good laugh.
24:10You're saying, I think you should love
24:12your teenage mutant gay midget fat bastard daughter.
24:16I understand that's the kind of thing.
24:18These are the people of Vivian Vile,
24:20the Woolworths, the chat magazines, the KFC Brigade.
24:25Walk around Woolworths, they know who you are.
24:27Walk around Harvey Nicks, you're anonymous.
24:29That's what you want when you do your shopping,
24:31but not when you're doing your show.
24:33Oh, there's my cab.
24:35It's on account.
24:35It's on account.
24:36Yes, call me a cab on account,
24:38and I'll do you a strategy.
24:39Now, don't you worry about anything, darling.
24:42You just leave it all to me.
24:44Remember, if it ain't broke, don't fix it.
24:47Freak!
24:48See, darling, all I wanted to do was move you on
24:52from Iceland to South Ridge's food hall,
24:55but if you want to languish there
24:57with the Kerry Kakatona and the Icelanders,
25:00be my guest.
25:03I like Miriam.
25:04She understands her.
25:06Who?
25:07Miriam?
25:07No, Vivian.
25:09Who?
25:10Vivian!
25:11You!
25:12Know her!
25:13As far as you're complicated to explain,
25:17I am Viv!
25:18So, what, you're like a fucking queen?
25:21I mean, does she have a second birthday as well?
25:24You know, I've known you far too long for me
25:26to say I don't know you.
25:28So, um, do you trust my judgment?
25:32Babe, look at me.
25:34Do you trust my judgment?
25:35No.
25:37See, see, you've got this psychiatric disorder,
25:41and it's not just me that thinks of Jonathan.
25:43What?
25:43You say, don't you?
25:44You say she's got...
25:45You, Vivian, have got delusions of grandeur.
25:48Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no.
25:50I didn't know we were talking about Viv.
25:52I know what I am going to do about me.
25:55Right, yeah, yeah, yeah.
25:56You know, you know, just like you did yesterday, right?
25:58Yeah, yeah.
25:59I am...
25:59So, hello, I'm Vivian Vile.
26:01I'm going to my audience now.
26:02My audience that love me.
26:03Don't you fucking dare.
26:05Don't you fucking dare do that.
26:08Oh, I've been barking away now.
26:10Which Vivian is this that's talking to me?
26:11Is it the one that I've built up?
26:13Is it the one that I've made you?
26:14Who's he fucking is?
26:16It's just me.
26:17Do you know who Vivian Vile is?
26:19I am fucking Vivian Vile.
26:21It's me.
26:21It's just this skin, this hair, this body, this person.
26:24It's all me.
26:26La, la, la, la.
26:29So I will control where I'm going.
26:35Where are we now?
26:37This is Slough, darling.
26:40Are these darkened windows?
26:42No, darling, that's just the way Slough looks.
26:45Oh, my God.
26:47Oh, my God, it's like Eastern Europe.
26:49What?
26:51Oleg.
26:51Oleg.
26:52He doesn't mind.
26:54He knows what I mean.
26:55Hideous.
26:57Christ.
26:58So where is Viv?
26:59Can't really say.
27:05If you don't tell me, I'll fire you.
27:07She's doing a personal appearance.
27:09Where?
27:11At a macro.
27:12What's a macro?
27:13It's like a Costco.
27:14What's a Costco?
27:15Like a cash and carry.
27:16What's a cash and carry?
27:18You know, like a shop, a supermarket.
27:19A supermarket?
27:24My God, that's weird.
27:27They'll eat her alive.
27:29Why am I doing it?
27:30Why, why, why?
27:31Yes, I bet you wish you were holding the string of that balloon making that face now, darling.
27:35Yes.
27:39Oh, my God.
27:40Oh, Miriam better be right about this.
27:43Remember, these are my people and I love them.
27:46Shit, shit.
27:48Oh, Christ, Gerard.
27:50Here we go.
27:51I want to find a program, find a program.
28:02Oh, send me a search body if I'm not out in two days.
28:06I need a drink.
28:09It's body temperature.
28:12It's probably piss.
28:13That's what Vivian loves, darling.
28:16Oh, my God.
28:17Vivian, Vivian, Vivian, Vivian.
28:19Sorry, baggy, sweet shirt.
28:21Oh, fuck off.
28:24Do you hear what she said?
28:26I said it's right from you.
28:28I love you.
28:32Incest. Have you ever slept with a sibling? Are you in love with a blood relative? Do you want to marry your brother or sister? Right or wrong, we're not here to judge, but how close is safe? You tell us. The Vivian Varshow is doing a week-long special, Getting Into the Family Way. Contact us. We'd love to hear from you.