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00:00This is fucking crazy.
00:30I'm almost definitely a musical genius.
00:37Maybe a tattoo on my chest, but of my face.
00:44Yeah, double me. Feel it.
00:51She's on there. She's on there.
00:53Got to get the same bus home.
00:55Don't go. Almost there.
00:58Yes, I am the lord of the bus, said he.
01:03Where is she?
01:05Knickers. She's not on here.
01:07Hey, Mark.
01:08Sophie.
01:09I can really stop meeting like this.
01:11Yeah, I was running. Were you running?
01:14Right behind you, I shouted.
01:16Yeah, of course. Stupid music.
01:18Why don't you, er...
01:19Sir, what did you make of Jeff's memo?
01:21Oh, no, shit. She's... I should say.
01:24No, too late. Already it's too late.
01:27Maybe if we hit a bump I can slip it out.
01:29Or keep shtum, ride it out.
01:31Gonna need to waggle eventually to keep the circulation going.
01:35Oh, God, there's something. Mark, have you... your hand?
01:39Er, oh. I was gonna say, but I just... sorry.
01:45No, no, it's fine.
01:48Of course. She's giving you the book off.
01:51Ugh. Women don't want your hand under their bottoms, Mark.
01:55That's been established. That's a given.
01:57She sat on it, officer. It was an accident.
01:59Of course it was, now.
02:01Get in with the nonces.
02:02What a disaster.
02:07Well, mate, er...
02:08Can I have some of your coke?
02:10They're going to trap me, and their brothers will hack me to...
02:14Oh, shit, can I have a bit of your...
02:15Here, look, you can...
02:16Oh, look, he's a pedo.
02:18He's a pedo, you idiot.
02:19You're not a pedo. You're definitely not a pedo.
02:22He's a pedo. Go home, man.
02:24Go home, man.
02:25Those kids have no idea whatsoever of what went on at Stalingrad.
02:30Although I can in no way compare my struggle reading it with that of the Red Army,
02:34it has been a very big read.
02:37I'm basically wanting to meet someone like myself.
02:40That's exactly the opposite of what I'm looking for.
02:44Hey, man.
02:45Hey, man.
02:47Whoa!
02:48I'm telling you, now I know how what's-his-name felt when he finished the Mona Lisa.
02:53You're knackered.
02:54So how was your day?
02:56Shit.
02:57Well, Tony came round to drop this off.
03:01Oh, a party.
03:03Did you, you know, make your move?
03:06No, no.
03:07She was going to Starbucks to read a book.
03:09It's one of her things.
03:10Besides, the move, I mean, it's not a whole Sophie Uptight situation.
03:15We're just gradually sliding into a fuck-buddy scenario.
03:19Fuck-buddy?
03:20Yeah, a buddy.
03:22You can fuck.
03:23I mean, we're both so relaxed about the whole sex thing.
03:25Last time I was around there, we watched a porno.
03:27Four in the afternoon, it was me and her watching a porno.
03:30I mean, that's me.
03:31I'm just not ready for the kind of thing you're after.
03:34The whole someone to go to Waitrose with.
03:37Yeah, I suppose.
03:39I don't want to go to Waitrose.
03:41I want a fuck-buddy.
03:43I wish I was her fuck-buddy next door.
03:45We could do it through the wall.
03:47How thick is wall?
03:49Depends.
03:50So, which Starbucks does she go to?
03:56Come on.
03:57Come on.
03:58Piss off.
03:59I want to go to the shop.
04:00Need a poo.
04:01Got to have loo paper.
04:03I should be able to just walk out of my own front door.
04:06What's wrong with me?
04:07It would be great if a car just ploughed into the lot of them.
04:11Twisted, broken bones.
04:13What?
04:14Jesus, Mark.
04:15Are you okay?
04:16Hi, Tony.
04:17I'm fine.
04:18I was just checking the letterbox for...
04:20Sometimes they get stuck in there and the next thing you know, your phone's cut off.
04:25Right.
04:26God, you know they haven't got any Alpen at that stupid corner shop?
04:29No.
04:30I asked him.
04:31I said, have you got any Alpen?
04:32He said, no.
04:33I said, well, are you going to be ordering any in?
04:35And he said he didn't know.
04:36Oh, right.
04:37That is a bit crap.
04:38It's ridiculous.
04:39What kind of a shop doesn't have Alpen?
04:41I don't know.
04:42Go on.
04:43I've got Alpen.
04:44Yeah?
04:45Yeah, I mean, you could have some.
04:50What are you doing?
04:51What about the poo?
04:53If I can just hold it in, I think it's retreating.
04:58So, here we are then.
05:00Bolo Alpen.
05:01Always makes me think of skiing holidays.
05:04We always used to go skiing on holiday.
05:06Me, my mum, my sister.
05:08Wicked.
05:09I've got a sister.
05:10She's a lawyer, actually.
05:12Don't boast.
05:13What does your sister do?
05:15Not much.
05:16She's got leukaemia.
05:18That's what you get for trying to flirt.
05:21That's terrible.
05:22I'm so sorry.
05:23I suppose...
05:24I mean, at least it's not cancer.
05:27It's a form of cancer.
05:29Shit.
05:30That's terrible.
05:32My gran died of cancer.
05:35Although, hopefully, your sister won't.
05:40Obviously.
05:41Listen, let's talk about something else.
05:44Something fun.
05:45Do you like Blackadder?
05:47I've got the Blackadder set for Christmas.
05:49I never really...
05:50No, no, sure, forget it.
05:51Terrible idea.
05:54I know.
05:55I know something funny.
05:57This is outrageous.
05:58This is contagious.
06:00And he's been working on it for about a month.
06:04Wait.
06:05This is the best bit.
06:10This Grammy goes out to my homeboys in Compton.
06:13The Japanese people who mean so much to me.
06:16Hey, Mark's playing my track.
06:18He just can't get enough of that shit.
06:26Yes.
06:27What's going on?
06:28Tony.
06:29I...
06:38Great idea, Mark.
06:39Humiliate your best mate just to...
06:41I mean, why didn't we just play Othello?
06:43Oh, I'd love to bang her.
06:45Just buckle down.
06:47Do your time like Leslie Grantham.
06:50Hey, Jez.
06:51You're up.
06:53Yes, that's right.
06:54I'm up.
06:55I'm making chicken tikka.
06:56Plus, I've bought us loads of great stuff.
06:58Dune on DVD, Bakewell slices, gin, and...
07:04Sarah Lee.
07:08Plus, I was thinking, you know that 30 quid you owe me?
07:10Let's call it quits, yeah?
07:12I mean, not quits, but you know.
07:18I'm just really, really, really, really sorry, Jeremy.
07:22Maybe he doesn't mind.
07:24Maybe nobody minds about things as much as me.
07:27Because it was only a balls up.
07:29I ballsed up.
07:30And now we're fine.
07:31This'll be ready in a minute.
07:32And we can eat it in front of Hitler's henchmen.
07:34Yeah.
07:36And, er, listen, by the way, you know Kerry?
07:38Cancer Kerry?
07:39Yeah?
07:40I need to find out for a friend
07:42the name of that Chinese doctor she was raving about.
07:45Can you remember?
07:46Sure.
07:47It was Dr. Ying Fu Yip.
07:54Wang Xiong.
07:57Pang Fang Wang Dang Dong Ling Poku.
08:02Oh, right.
08:04I see.
08:05I get it.
08:06You were lampooning me.
08:08It was a simple lampoon.
08:11Hey, Jez.
08:12What's up, man?
08:13Super hands.
08:15A pint of Guinness, please?
08:18No logo on the foam?
08:19No logo on the foam.
08:20Hey, don't buy into all that one, do you?
08:22What the old...
08:23Ooh.
08:24Ooh, I've got a clover in me foam.
08:26I'm so important.
08:27No.
08:28What you're doing there is you're drinking an advert, aren't you?
08:31Hey, shithead.
08:34Right.
08:35So, you got our track?
08:37Er, no.
08:38I've been thinking.
08:39I'm not sure.
08:40I think maybe it's shit.
08:43Whoa.
08:44Hold it, cowboy.
08:45Rewind.
08:46What's shit?
08:47The track's shit.
08:48Jez, the track's the shit.
08:50It's just I found Mark laughing at it.
08:52Oh, what?
08:53So, mister fucking ocean colour pants don't get it?
08:57Well, Kel fucking surprise.
08:59Plus, he was doing it in front of Tony.
09:01Mate, you've got to get some Rewenge.
09:04He broke a murder.
09:05You think?
09:06Listen, the whole industry is run by suits like your mate.
09:10Do you think that's why we haven't got a deal yet?
09:12Of course it is.
09:13They're all a bunch of marks, aren't they?
09:14Sitting behind their big marble desks.
09:16Tyres done up to 11.
09:17Clicking their fingers to the fucking lighthouse family.
09:20Getting their dick sucked by a big Alsatian dog.
09:23Yeah?
09:24They're all perverts, mate.
09:26All in with each other.
09:27It's not who you know.
09:28It's who you blow.
09:30Right.
09:31Why shouldn't I go for Tony?
09:34So she scares me.
09:35You can have a good relationship with someone that scares you.
09:38Look at me and Dad.
09:39Oh, shit.
09:40Relax, relax.
09:41It's okay.
09:42You're not a pedo.
09:43You're just a normal human being walking past some simple children.
09:47Hi there.
09:48Hey, look.
09:49It's clean shirt.
09:50Clean shirt?
09:51What does that mean?
09:52Isn't that good?
09:53I don't think you get that shirt so clean, mate.
09:55You can handle it.
09:56Use the power of reason.
09:57Look.
09:58I know it must be difficult being a kid.
10:01Not a lot of schemes.
10:03But, you know, I'm not the borough.
10:05I wish I was, but...
10:07Fuck off, clean shirt!
10:08I'm just a man.
10:09Can't we just...
10:10Hey, no!
10:11No!
10:12Oh!
10:13Kicking's not...
10:14Don't kick my butt!
10:15That's right!
10:16Stop it!
10:17Don't kick my butt!
10:18Kick my butt!
10:21Me and Tony.
10:22Tony and me.
10:23When his kooky charm starts to cloy, I'll be right there.
10:27Fuck buddy number two.
10:29Yeah, great.
10:30Wait for the crumbs to fall while my nuts slowly shrivel.
10:33Actually, I hope they do shrivel.
10:34They're getting disturbed...
10:35Ugh!
10:36What's the matter?
10:38I thought you liked pork.
10:40How did...
10:41What does it mean?
10:43It means...
10:44Omerta.
10:45It means...
10:46Rewenge.
10:47Look, I'm sorry, okay?
10:49I'm sorry I humiliated you in front of Tony.
10:52Don't think I can't see you, Mark.
10:53Trying to get a slice of my action because Sophie the office girl won't put out.
10:57Oh, right.
10:58The gloves are off, are they?
10:59Well, then, perhaps it's best you do know what I think of your music.
11:02Well, let's have some more truth, shall we?
11:04Yeah?
11:05Yeah?
11:06Because the truth is...
11:07You're a posh spaz.
11:08Oh, really?
11:09Well, I'd love to know in what way I am a posh spaz.
11:11In the way that you're always doing posh spazzy things like tidying up and ironing your socks.
11:17I do not iron my socks!
11:19Socks, shirt, whatever.
11:27I'm going to the party.
11:29And I'll get her in the end.
11:31I have the power of the brain.
11:33The most erotic muscle.
11:34The longbow beats the crossbow, my idiotic friend.
11:42Hey!
11:43Look, just lay off.
11:45That's my bit of lager.
11:47Oh, I get it.
11:49Are you going to do me in?
11:51Don't be ridiculous.
11:52Are you going to punch me, Mark?
11:53Is that it?
11:54Is that what's going to happen?
11:56You just...
11:57You...
11:58You're lucky.
11:59I don't...
12:00You're just very, very lucky.
12:01You're an animal, Corrigan.
12:02You have to keep your tie done up to 11.
12:04Otherwise all this grey, ugly, office envy sludge will just spill out and drown you and...
12:08And you've got weird nuts!
12:10What?
12:11How did you...
12:12If you're going to watch the TV in your dressing gown, you might want to put some pants on.
12:22So, I'm glad we cleared the air.
12:25What?
12:26Me too.
12:27I feel better.
12:28Much better.
12:29Like a weight has been lifted.
12:31Me too.
12:32That's exactly how I feel.
12:34Hey, hey, hey.
12:35It's the guys.
12:36Come on in.
12:37So, Tony's friends.
12:38Who, what, why and where?
12:39Well, that's the fun.
12:40I don't know anyone.
12:41These are our neighbours.
12:42Neighbours?
12:43Neighbours?
12:44Why?
12:45Did you think I was going to invite my friends?
12:46I tell you, you find out who your real friends are when you set fire to Hampton Court maze because
12:50you can't take any more of your husband shit.
12:52Yeah, well, it's great to know your neighbours.
12:53I mean, not just from a home security point of view, but also...
12:54Right, exactly.
12:55So, drinks?
12:56Wicked.
12:57If I laugh at everything she says I'm bound to at least get a suck job.
13:02Maybe I should forget it.
13:03Leave her to him.
13:04Concentrate on the long game.
13:05Work on a six pack by Christmas, then I can't get out of my friends.
13:06Instead I'll get out of your nephews.
13:07Well, I'm not going to be able to be able to look at your neighbours.
13:09Yes, and to be able to lie, everything is dead.
13:10So, drinks?
13:11If I laugh at everything she says, I'm bound to at least get a suck job.
13:18Maybe I should forget it.
13:21Leave her to him.
13:22Concentrate on the long game.
13:25Work on a six-pack by Christmas, then make a...
13:27Why should I?
13:29We really had something going when we were laughing at Jeremy.
13:33Oh, too late.
13:35They're bonding.
13:37What's so funny? It's only a fridge magnet.
13:39I know, but it looks just like a fried egg.
13:47Twat.
13:50Yeah, but if I pull out now, that's the deposit gone.
13:54Right.
13:55Nightmare.
13:56Jesus, how did I get trapped with her?
13:59She is definitely the most boring person here.
14:02I mean, they look great.
14:03They're probably talking about how they're going to make a real-life porn movie with a proper story and everything.
14:07I could do the music.
14:09Right, so where do you live in the building?
14:11Oh, I don't live here. I'm Tony's sister.
14:13Oh, okay.
14:14And what do you do?
14:15I work in the music business.
14:18You do?
14:20Well, that's amazing.
14:21That's just really amazing.
14:24So, everyone writes down someone famous.
14:27We swap, put them on our foreheads, and you work out who we are by asking questions.
14:32It's really, really funny because...
14:33Anyway, let's just play.
14:36Yeah, this is it. Paul is going to love this. Very Iggy.
14:47No, no, no, Jez. When you're finished, just drop your riser in the bowl.
14:50Oh, I'll... Could I do mine again?
14:53We're not playing for points, mate.
14:55Come on, just drop it in, old chap.
14:59That's it.
15:00I give up.
15:01No, don't. Go on. Just one... This one's mine.
15:04Tim Himmon?
15:05Yeah. How did you...
15:07Hey, Jeremy. Have you worked at your...
15:09Oh, don't even go there. It is literally impossible.
15:13Turns out I was just someone's secretary.
15:14The home secretary, Jeremy. You're the home secretary.
15:17Yeah, right. Whatever. We're just popping next door.
15:20You're going next door?
15:21The coast is clear. The coast is clear!
15:24That's right, yeah. I'm taking Paula back to listen to my work.
15:27She seems like someone who'd appreciate a good track when she heard it.
15:30Cool. Don't do anything I wouldn't do, sis.
15:34Which leaves her a hell of a lot of leeway.
15:37I am in here.
15:40Sis. Sister. Shit.
15:42Excuse me.
15:44Jez, can I have a word?
15:46Yeah, that's right. I'm going. The coast is clear.
15:49I don't expect you'll get very far, but by all means, have a pop at the champ.
15:53Look, I thought I'd better tell you. Paula, she's...
15:56She has cancer.
15:57What? Are you serious?
16:01I just thought I'd better mention it. You don't want to drop a clanger.
16:05No, right.
16:07Is it Jamie Oliver?
16:10Look, you're a cock muncher, okay?
16:16Of course, you can't catch cancer.
16:18I mean, I'd have heard. Someone would have said.
16:20Yeah, okay. I think I've heard enough.
16:25Yeah, it's okay.
16:27Do you really think so?
16:28What kind? Blood? Bone? Knee? Face?
16:32Yeah, I mean, I like it.
16:34Great. I mean, that's great.
16:37But listen, I'm guessing you didn't invite me around to your room just to listen to some tape, right?
16:42Shit. Of course. It's who you blow.
16:45No. No, sure. I know the rules.
16:49Yeah. Let's get it on, baby.
16:52Barry.
16:56Barry. That guy is one serious power tripper. He was all over my Rizzler game.
17:02Okay, Mark. You asked for it. Now you've got it. She's looking for a fuck buddy. Gotta change gears. Source things up.
17:09I mean, he's just so... Yeah, take the A304. I mean, yes, we can see your hairy chest. And no, we're not impressed.
17:19Yeah, so, uh, Jeremy tells me you two watched, uh, a porno together. You know, I'd be into...
17:26That wasn't a porno. That was the English patient.
17:29Ha! What an idiotic boob. He's out. I'm in. Now, what's my shtick?
17:35Yeah. You know, the Red Army shot 16,000 of their own men at Stalingrad.
17:42Okay.
17:43And, of course, the majority of the Wehrmacht had no winter clothing.
17:47I'm the tank commander now, Barry.
17:48Well, I know how they feel. I mean, you buy classic, but classic keeps changing.
17:52Uh-huh. See, by the winter of 42, the whole city was surrounded by the massed Sixth Army.
18:03It was pressing and pressing.
18:08The Russians couldn't hold on much longer. Many wanted to submit.
18:13Mark, you know I don't just bang anyone, yeah? I'm not some kind of next-door fuckjar.
18:17No. No, of course not.
18:19What I mean is that the German supply lines were stretched,
18:25Zhukov countered,
18:27and the siege was broken.
18:31And that's all the story of Stalingrad.
18:36You're a sunshine coach. You're bringing a last smile to...
18:39Oh.
18:39Look, um, if we've got to do this, do you mind keeping the hat on?
18:44It's just...
18:45Sorry.
18:46We don't have to do anything, Jeremy.
18:48No?
18:50No.
18:51I mean, I don't mind, you know. I'd just rather not...
18:54We could take Polaroids of me, you know, all excited, and then you could take them away or something.
18:59I am very keen to sort you out, so to speak.
19:03That was embarrassing. Not a fuckjar. Don't dwell. No need to dwell. Think charming. Considerate.
19:13So, your sister, she looks great, considering...
19:17Considering what? She doesn't have any dress sense?
19:20No. You know, the whole thing, the leukaemia.
19:23Oh, no, that's not Paula. Paula's my half-sister. No. Paula's doing fine.
19:29Apart from her idea of a birthday present is a bunch of CD singles. And, yes, I do know you get them for free.
19:34Er, Tony, we're dry. I was thinking maybe someone should run to the offy before it shuts.
19:40The second front. I can win on the second front.
19:43This is so perfect. I'm going to be the knight on horseback with an armful of booze and enough nachos to feed the Mexican army.
19:50Oh, shit. Shit. Fuck off. Why don't you fuck the fuck off?
19:55Just run the gauntlet. The little bastard will... It's going to shut as well.
20:01Er, excuse me, mate. Sorry to bother you. This is a bit embarrassing, really, but you couldn't possibly buy me a couple of bottles of wine, could you? Pinot Grigio, maybe, or...
20:14Oi! No, it's that Pado! Pado!
20:20But on the song, do you really like it?
20:23Yeah, I mean, it's hard to get that excited about.
20:26Yeah, well, I guess you're not in the right frame of mind to...
20:28Don't go on about it. Jesus.
20:31I mean, are you going to do any more work on it?
20:33How much time has she got?
20:34Maybe. I mean, how long are you planning to stay in your job?
20:38Oh, you know, as long as I last.
20:40Right.
20:41Look, should you be doing that?
20:46Probably not, but, you know, fuck it.
20:49Jesus.
20:50You know, I do think you're brave.
20:54I just think you're very, very brave.
20:58I make my decisions, I stick by them.
21:01Everybody said you couldn't market acid jazz to the over-30s, and I was like, fuck that shit.
21:08Listen to you, you beautiful, crazy thing.
21:14I meant the cancer.
21:17I'm sorry, which cancer?
21:19The bloody cancer eating you away.
21:22Okay.
21:23Would you like it if I did have cancer?
21:27I bet Zhukov would have got some booze.
21:29Oh.
21:30Oh, yeah. You're back.
21:33I think it's winding down a bit now, actually, mate.
21:36Bastard.
21:37Oh, yeah, very funny.
21:39I suppose you think cancer is just this huge, enormous, practical joke.
21:43What?
21:44Oh, Jeremy, I'm so sorry. I thought...
21:46No, no, you're quite the guy.
21:48Certainly not the kind of sicko to ruin someone's music career by suggesting that certain other people have cancer.
21:54What joke is next?
21:57Uh, hey, Jez, your mum's dead.
21:59Boom, bloody hilarious.
22:01What's going on?
22:02I accidentally told him Paula had cancer.
22:05Jeremy, Mark got it wrong. He thought Paula was ill.
22:09She's not. It was a mistake.
22:10Well, I'm sure if Kerry was here, she'd be rolling around the floor.
22:13Except she couldn't, because she's head to toe in acupuncture needles.
22:16Hey, listen, mate. I made a mistake.
22:19It was you who wouldn't give the name of the doctor for Tony's sister.
22:22He wouldn't give the name for Cell.
22:25What's the big deal?
22:27So I didn't give him the number for Dr. Tang.
22:30She's got leukemia.
22:32Sticking a few needles in her face at 50 quid a pop is not going to fix that.
22:38Okay, I think it's time for you boys to fuck off now, hmm?
22:43Yeah, well, really, really nice to catch up, Soph. See you tomorrow?
22:54Tomorrow. Great.
22:55Yeah, that's the way. Sophie's the one.
22:58Tony's Russia. Vast, mysterious, unconquerable.
23:02Sophie's Poland. Manageable. Won't put up too much of a fight.
23:07Shit. Oh, shit.
23:09OK, you want some, do you? Do you want a taste of my steel?
23:16Oh, no, don't eat that. What?
23:17Oh, no don't eat that. What?
23:18Oh, no, don't eat that. What?
23:19AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
23:23Oh, no, don't eat that. What?
23:25Oh, no, don't eat that. What?
23:26Oh, no. Ahhhhh.
23:27Did those feet in ancient times be lit?
23:31Warn of on England's hotest green?
23:35What? Outrageous.
23:38God save our gracious queen.