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00:00For the invention of the steam-automated man-corset, you are hereby accepted as a member of the Cranial Lodge.
00:20Next!
00:22Oh, it's you again, Mr. Mavon.
00:24I see from the ledger, you're the only arbiter in history that hasn't been accepted into the Cranial Lodge.
00:34May I suggest it has something to do with the quality of his invention?
00:39Air pockets.
00:42You may have a point, Chrissy.
00:45Now, what have you got for us today, Mr. Mavon?
00:49Sit. Sit. Sit.
00:51Gentlemen, I present the stand and stir.
00:59This simple device allows one to stir tea from a distance.
01:07One can saunter, or a light skip can be achieved.
01:12Don't do the skip. Please don't.
01:13Through practice.
01:14Don't do the skip.
01:18Membership denied.
01:20Next!
01:21Residents of Jitsy, stand by your testinators.
01:38Now is the time to sing, sing, sing!
01:42The land of silks and sand.
01:47The trees themselves have killed.
01:50And the fencing stream.
01:54The front and neck and bars and bars and flowers.
01:59The logs and sticks and the feet and claws.
02:03With bagging hats and scoffs.
02:06And heads and string and stairs are green.
02:10And lots of curts and shrews.
02:13And...
02:14Attention all residents.
02:20As the hot wave continues to sizzle, more emergency juristics have been introduced.
02:27All water will be slowed down to medium.
02:30That's enough to rinse two gruntal sacks or one lady's dimple hammock.
02:36Dogs doing puddle shake must be put in a special dog poncho for water retento.
02:41Anyone finding any spare water should place it in the aqualopes provided and post it back to the Wellfrod Memorial Reservoir.
02:49If you are going out, don't forget to use new Huffball Slap Cream with added sand for that real beachy feel.
02:57Huffballs.
02:57It's a brown jacket and a bottle.
03:00No buttons.
03:02I mean, look at this fork.
03:05It's fork-shaped.
03:06It's called a fork.
03:08You use it for forking things.
03:10It's so simple.
03:12Sir.
03:12And this cup.
03:13It's cup-shaped.
03:15It's called a cup.
03:16You use it for cupping things.
03:18Sir.
03:19And this shoe.
03:20It's shoe-shaped.
03:21Sir.
03:22I've got the idea.
03:23So I've come up with the kiddlewack.
03:26It's kiddlewack-shaped.
03:28It's called a kiddlewack.
03:30Over to you.
03:31What?
03:32What's it for?
03:34Well, it's a box with a sugar lump in it.
03:38So simple.
03:40Ah, Mr. Maven.
03:41Daily greet.
03:42Stay on the mat.
03:43You're dripping.
03:44Oh, sorry.
03:44What do you want, Trance?
03:45Um, well, according to the time scroll, today is your annual inspection of the White Apron
03:52Playgroup, sir.
03:53What, that place with all those funny little dwarf people?
03:56Children, sir.
03:57I haven't got time.
03:58I'm too busy inventing.
04:00Ah, yes.
04:00The only arbiter in history that hasn't gained membership of the Cranial Lodge.
04:05Until now.
04:06Look what he's come up with.
04:07The Executive Single Sugar Lump Transportation Unit.
04:10Oh, I've already got one of those.
04:13Damn.
04:14I knew I'd seen it somewhere.
04:16Oh, no, it's wonderful.
04:17It's waterproof.
04:18I've had that for three cycles now.
04:20Look at that, sir.
04:20It's really well made.
04:22Yeah, I've already seen it.
04:35Having fun?
04:36Yeah.
04:37Just looking for your personality.
04:38No, still nothing.
04:42May have asked me to give you this job sheet.
04:44Something to do with the drains.
04:45Let me do it.
04:49Reading between the lines and taking out any references to sewage.
04:54This is essentially a love note.
04:59Putrid stench.
05:01Come on, Paul.
05:02Last time there was a blockage, it turned out to be one of those Bobber Job boys.
05:08He'd been down there a week.
05:11I heard the cries, but I just thought it was the voices in my head.
05:16Help, I'm stuck down the drain.
05:18Why would the voices in your head say that?
05:21Oh, they say all sorts of things.
05:23For instance, yesterday they told me to knit a full-sized figure of myself,
05:29which is utterly ridiculous.
05:33Oh, I've made a start.
05:34Oh, come on, Sparrow.
05:40Element report for threes-dade the 14th a few.
05:52At 7 and 2 today, warnings from the melt office.
05:54Ouch.
05:55With the occasional ooh-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah.
05:56The roof slates.
05:59With the ability to fry an egg.
06:00No poaching.
06:02Moving on to...
06:03...to-to-to-to-to-to-to-to-to-to-to-to-to-to-to-to.
06:07Tomorrow's picture, mainly light crayon moving to a heavy pelt pen in the south.
06:13Ah! Scribbles rising. Wind at soft level, softly, softly.
06:17Possibility of electric dog storms.
06:23Dank gussets at dawn.
06:28There are so many new things to show you, Arbiter.
06:31Good and excellent.
06:33The school prostitute now comes in twice a week for the older boys.
06:37We've also doubled the amount of cigarette machines, so smoking's up 20%.
06:41How you doing, Tiddly Eye?
06:43My back's playing up again.
06:46You?
06:47I'm fine.
06:48And by harnessing the power of Mrs Abney's jazz tap glass, we can now heat the whole main building.
07:04What's going on?
07:05Oh, don't worry, sir. It's all part of Mr Forster's and Balm's bullying class.
07:10This term's victim is young Caravel did onion here.
07:14What are you calling him, boys?
07:15Flappy sacks, miss.
07:16Not very imaginative. Think!
07:18For example, why not use his lack of hair to taunt him with?
07:22Any suggestions?
07:23Miss?
07:24Menzies Junior.
07:25Bold bastard, miss.
07:27The white pumpkin.
07:29Very good.
07:30Moving on, Mr Maven.
07:32The children have made a display called Visions of the Food Char.
07:37Here's an inflatable chimney.
07:39This one's a gentleman's apple holder.
07:44So simple.
07:47I've made something as well, actually.
07:48We're not talking to you.
07:50You're being bullied.
07:51Where are your bullies?
07:53They're a fire practice, miss.
07:55Is the book burning exams next week?
07:57Well, go after them.
07:58Ask them for a kick in the balls or something.
08:01Use your initiative, lad!
08:03Come through, Mr Maven.
08:06The First Boom have written a play about you and your achievements.
08:11How wonderful!
08:13Although, have I got time?
08:15I won't take long, sir.
08:19Caravel, what was your invention?
08:21Oh, it's just over here.
08:25It's a kind of motorway transportation vehicle.
08:30I named it after myself.
08:34What, the car?
08:37No.
08:38The veil.
08:45Your nose bottle.
08:46Whenever I look out of this window, all I see is myself.
08:50That's a mirror, sir.
08:53Well, what's that enormous hill in the middle?
08:56Your nose, sir.
08:58No, no, no, no.
08:59No, no.
09:00I would never wear my cape in the tower.
09:02I leave it by the front door, so you're wrong.
09:05Who made this?
09:07There's no en-switch, so you're wrong.
09:09It's horrid.
09:10Horrid.
09:15Get back to work, Sporrel.
09:16We're next.
09:17Oof.
09:18We're next.
09:19Oof.
09:20We're next.
09:21We'll be right.
09:22We're next.
09:23We'll see you.
09:24We'll see you.
09:26So what you're suggesting, Sporrel,
09:54is that we break in to a children's playgroup
09:57and steal one of their inventions
09:58and then pretend it's yours, sir.
10:01If you want membership of your club.
10:03Utterly immoral and illegal.
10:06We don't both need to go, do we?
10:14What's in my handbag today?
10:19You look and I'll turn away.
10:23Now that I've asked, undo the clasp.
10:29What's in my handbag, please say?
10:35It's a ginger beard.
10:37Ginger beard, now you've appeared.
10:42Why do you haunt me this way?
10:47Ginger beard, you make me feel weird.
10:51I have got nothing to say.
10:59Hello, gentile.
11:02Oh, cattle, you make me jump.
11:04Mmm, what's that?
11:05You smell like a big forest.
11:07It's these new gland plug-ins in my neck.
11:09You mean you've been to Moostron's smell parlour
11:11and had new gland plug-ins surgically inserted into your neck?
11:14Yes.
11:16It's only three nights stay in the MediHut
11:18with minimal scarring and paralysis.
11:20Your armpit smells like a hayloft.
11:23And I've got the whiff of a damp poncho behind my knees.
11:25I won't ask you where they put the other plug-ins.
11:27Why not?
11:29It might be up your eye.
11:39Lights out, boys.
11:41Is it eight tomorrow?
11:43Double cocktails in the morning
11:44and then you're going into town
11:46for Mr. Baxter's graffiti field trip.
11:48Oh!
12:13Oh, where'd the bed again, did Onion?
12:15Where am I going to sleep now?
12:38This way.
12:39Right.
12:40Hold this fork, sir.
12:44I've never done anything like this before, Sparrow.
12:47What, crouching?
12:48Yes, I normally stand upright like this.
12:50Ow!
12:51Shove the fork up, sir.
12:52How dare you...
12:53No, the fork. Shove it up, sir.
12:55Oh, I see what you mean.
13:10Are you sure we should go for the veil?
13:15This musical vest looks splendid.
13:19Very loud there.
13:20Shhh.
13:21Come on.
13:24What's this one?
13:25Extra strong, wall-piercing bird alarm.
13:28Don't touch anything.
13:29Come on.
13:30Oh, disappointing.
13:31I thought it would go...
13:32Wah!
13:33Wah!
13:34Wah!
13:35Wah!
13:36Sorry, sorry.
13:37I'm standing by the left foot of a new statue of scientist Cleveley Enge.
13:56Cleveley Enge discovered air back in the 1020s after receiving the Clum Morrence Research Cup for his previous discoveries, soil and sky.
14:09Until the 1020s, no-one on Ginsey had bothered to look at what we have since termed the very obvious.
14:16Cleveley Enge first came to prominence with his theories of cross-transfer beard exchange and micro-bacterial choreography.
14:35But it was with air that he really captured the island's imagination.
14:40At a historic public unveiling, islanders were shocked to see the air which Enge had cunningly trapped in a bell jar.
14:49Through an exhaustive daily programme, he had trained the air to do a series of remarkable tricks.
14:56Mesmerised crowds looked on as his specimen performed the double loop, the turn-swing skid, and air's most celebrated feat, the high-flyer.
15:07Tragically, it was Enge himself who inhaled his own protégé at the climax of the display.
15:16His discovery brought on an island-wide craze for air pets, and people were often to be seen out walking their airs.
15:24After a woman was badly wafted, the public turned against keeping airs altogether, and they were set free to roam wild across the upper parishes, where they can still not be seen to this very day.
15:39Are you going to help me push? No, no, I don't want to get all sweaty.
15:55Sporrel, what are you doing?
15:58Um, Maven's borrowing the veil.
16:00Oh, right.
16:02How do I open these doors?
16:03Hold on.
16:05Whoa!
16:13Oh!
16:15I can't reach!
16:17Oh!
16:18Can you lift me up?
16:21Oh!
16:22Thanks, Tiddly Eye.
16:23Maybe see you for a drink sometime.
16:24Oh, yes.
16:25Lovely.
16:39Very disappointed in that bird alarm.
16:40Of course, if anyone finds out about this, I shall have to blame you completely.
16:56Ah!
16:57This is my lane.
16:58I'm going to head Shallywoods.
17:00I'm rather tired.
17:01Just leave it by the tower.
17:02But I've still got to go halfway across the island.
17:05Don't be such a baby.
17:07Lightly bye.
17:10Nightly bye, sir.
17:12No.
17:13I have to do the last kiss.
17:15Nightly bye.
17:16Nightly bye, sir.
17:19Nightly bye.
17:40Come and visit Hooffin.
17:54The parish of pipes.
17:55Vegetricity pipes, leisure pipes, sewage pipes.
17:57Pipes.
17:58The children's pipe orchestra.
17:59Pipes!
18:00The ladies' pipe smoking guild.
18:01Pipes!
18:03Pipes! The Children's Pipe Orchestra. Pipes! The Ladies' Pipe Smoking Guild. Pipes!
18:08And of course home to some of Jintz's most attractive plumbers.
18:12The Leaning Pipe of Peter. Pipe Henge. Pipe Rock. The Pipe Mess Monster. And the Pipeful Tower.
18:19Pipes! Of course if you don't like pipes, there are now designated viewing areas where only about three or four hundred pipes are visible.
18:27Pipes!
18:28Pipes! Pipes! Tap them! Stroke them! Pipes! Pipes! Check they're not hot! They're not! Pipes! Pipes!
18:54Blow them! Throw them! Pipes! Pipes! Pipes! Pipes!
19:05There better be a good reason why you've dragged us out here, Arbiter Maven. This new invention of yours isn't a glove that doubles as a tea cosy. By any chance?
19:20Or an edible shed.
19:22No, no, no. Gentle mouth of the panel, Chief Thinker, Chrissie. I'm proud to present the...
19:31Wheelie Wood. Do I get the hat?
19:39But what's it for?
19:41Well, it's a big wooden platformy thing on wheels that you sit in. It's a vel. And you can use it to travel the island.
19:50The island.
19:51What are you doing with that suitcase? Goodbye, sir.
19:57What are you doing with my bells?
20:12Ah!
20:14From this moment on, I have read-o!
20:30I forgot to invent brakes.
20:36Idiotic invention. Noisy, filthy, dangerous.
20:42I've done it, Mr. Maven.
20:50I've unblocked your drain.
20:52What is that?
20:53Oh, this.
20:54This was perfect.
20:56The little spoon bit gets right round corners.
20:59Where did you find that?
21:00That's my invention.
21:02It's so simple.
21:11Mr. Maven.
21:12We would like to welcome you as a member of the cranial loft.
21:19Well done.
21:23Brilliant invention.
21:25Useful, functional.
21:28I can't believe this.
21:30Am I really in?
21:32What should I call your invention?
21:34It's a kind of poop pole.
21:36Yes, I'll put down Arbiter Maven's poop pole.
21:39No, wait.
21:42I don't want my name going down in history as some sort of fecal prod.
21:47At least you got the hat.
21:50It's a bit tight.
21:51Oh, fair diddly well, my ginsio, we stand here in the breakers.
22:12I smash the bell of Mendel Dorn.
22:17I wave my little shakers.
22:20Pipes, pipes, pipes, tap them, stroke them, pipes, pipes, pipes, check they're not hot.
22:47Pipes, pipes, pipes, blow them.
22:57I wave my little shakers.
23:01I wave my little bit fuel on it.
23:04I wave my little sit and talk to him.
23:15If you're waiting for me here in the breakers, mic-a-chops, I go down.
23:16We wave their little innocence.