Malcolm In The Middle Season 5 Episode 4 Thanksgiving
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00:00Mom, look! I just ripped my brand new shirt, sneaking into the reservoir.
00:07That place she clearly ordered me never to go.
00:10I don't know why I do these things that are so infuriating to you, but the funny thing is, I don't even care.
00:18Dammit, Dewey, go to your room! Let's get this over with!
00:23No, Mom! Count to ten! Count to ten!
00:28Life is unfair.
00:32Tomorrow's Thanksgiving. I'll tell you what I'm thankful for.
00:38I finally made friends with some normal kids at school. Normal kids.
00:43We've been hanging out here all afternoon, and nobody's mentioned grass allergies or pollen count.
00:49Malcolm, I never noticed what nice eyes you have.
00:52Really? Kirsten Stewart. I think she likes me, but I can never be sure.
00:57Yeah, I guess I was distracted by your freakishly large head.
01:03Mostly because of stuff like that.
01:05Hey guys, I've gotta go.
01:07Hey, party at my house. Thanksgiving. Three cases of beer. No one's leaving until they're gone.
01:12Are your parents around the town?
01:14No.
01:15Oh, sweet. Yeah, of course.
01:18Cute butt.
01:23Why did you spoil it?
01:27I know what you're trying to do. You're trying to confuse me. Throw me off balance.
01:33You know what? It's not gonna...
01:43Reese!
01:44Grab an apron.
01:45It's 6.30 in the morning.
01:48Yes, I know. That means I have exactly twelve hours left to create the most fantastic Thanksgiving feast in the history of Thanksgiving feasts.
01:57What's with the sheets?
01:58I can't cook with distractions.
02:00I don't think that's...
02:01Dad, remember the chocolate souffle I made for Thanksgiving two years ago?
02:05Oh, yeah. That was...
02:06Rat puke compared to what I had planned. The crepes I made last Thanksgiving?
02:11Oh, they were...
02:12Crap! Next to what we're having tonight. Don't think of this as a meal. This is gonna be like eating the Mona Lisa.
02:20Lisa, I hardly think you can come to...
02:26Oh, my God.
02:28What do you need?
02:29Your mindless, robot-like obedience to every demand I make, no matter how small.
02:34Plus, we get to eat anything that falls on the floor.
02:37Ooh.
02:39I'm going over to Dylan's. I'll be back by dinner.
02:41Dylan, whom I've never met because you're afraid to have me find out what a bad choice he is as a friend?
02:46He's okay, Mom. There's gonna be other kids from school there.
02:49It's sort of like a party. I really want to go.
02:52Well, your family is having sort of like a party, too.
02:55It's called Thanksgiving.
02:57Now, it's true we're not a bunch of friends you just met last week.
03:00We're only the people who have sacrificed our lives for years so that you could have a home.
03:04I'll only be gone a couple hours, okay?
03:07You mean like the couple of hours you were jammed half in and half out of me when you were being born?
03:13Half an hour?
03:14I just don't understand. What is so horrible about our family?
03:18Yes, she does.
03:20I mean, why on earth would you prefer to be somewhere else for Thanksgiving?
03:25I love her!
03:27And if the two of you are too dead inside to understand what that means, then I'm just kidding you.
03:33No, Dad, I understand. When you get a new toothbrush and you want to break it in.
03:45Go ahead and say it, Lois.
03:51Well, Happy Thanksgiving.
04:00I'll just go over there and tell them I'm not coming.
04:02Do whatever you want. Even though your brother has traveled hundreds of miles with her.
04:08Piyama.
04:09I know her name. Your family is going to be here and we are going to have a lovely Thanksgiving.
04:15I will not keep my voice down!
04:18What, you think they won't know in like five minutes that we're getting a divorce?
04:22Sorry, we're having some problems.
04:24Having some problems? Is that what you call finding out that all the love that we share was a lie?
04:30Hi, Mom.
04:32Malcolm, you better go get your father.
04:37Malcolm!
04:43This part is pretty cool.
04:45And you know, I think I figured Kirsten out.
04:48It's more of a friend-brother kind of thing.
04:51It's not really sexual.
04:57Then again...
04:58Beer man!
05:00My stepdad drinks so much, he never counts it.
05:03Malcolm?
05:04Yeah, sure.
05:08Yeah, sure!
05:13Hey guys, how's it going?
05:16I need something to warm up that arctic wind she's blowing up there.
05:21No offense to your mother, I love her very much.
05:24It's cool, Art.
05:26Alright.
05:27You kids have fun.
05:32Somebody drop a beer?
05:34Sorry.
05:35My parents are a little less casual about the whole beer thing.
05:43I bet she kissed like a nine year old.
05:46What?
05:47Okay.
05:48This one, I do know what she was doing.
05:52It was a total come on.
05:53I'll show her how a nine year old can kiss.
05:57Hey.
05:58Don't tell me not to cry.
05:59Maybe my tears will make you an ocean and you can sail off on a boat to a new life without me.
06:08How did this happen?
06:09It's terrible.
06:10What's that look, Hal?
06:11Come on, Lois.
06:12What's that look, Hal?
06:13Come on, Lois.
06:14You've been trying to undercut this relationship from the start.
06:17And now, all of a sudden, they're getting a divorce and you had nothing to do with it?
06:18Please.
06:19You really think I have that much power to orchestrate people's lives besides yours?
06:32All I know is that our son is talking about ending his marriage.
06:47A marriage which you never supported.
06:49Hal, that's ridiculous.
06:51Fine.
06:52Fine.
06:53You want me to go talk to Francis?
06:54Yes.
06:55No.
06:57No.
06:58No, no, no, no, no.
07:00some way for you to try to work out
07:01your agenda. Fine. I will not
07:03say a word to either one of them.
07:05Good.
07:08Wait.
07:10You won't say anything, which means
07:12you're just gonna let this whole thing
07:13fall apart. Oh, I see
07:15your game, Lois. Hal!
07:18What is it you want me to do? No, no.
07:19You are not dragging me into your little
07:21Machiavellian schemes, thank you very
07:23much. No, you spun these
07:25tangled webs yourself, Lois.
07:28You get yourself
07:29out.
07:33See?
07:34The real balsamic is a smoother
07:36mouthfeel. Good.
07:38You're back. I'm gonna start prepping the
07:40Herb de Provence and sauteing the mushrooms.
07:42I need you to scrub these pots and
07:44pans again. What?
07:45No, I just finished those.
07:48Dad, look at this.
07:50The stubborn patina
07:52of tuna cassowirl, or
07:54enchilada loaf, or whatever
07:56in God's name this greasy spoon
07:57churns out night after soul-killing
08:00night. But not tonight.
08:02Tonight,
08:04we go for greatness.
08:05Are you with me, Dad?
08:07No!
08:08This pot is clean enough,
08:10Reese. No one will taste this.
08:12All right, then.
08:12I guess no one will ever taste this.
08:22Oh, my God.
08:29Dewey, I need you to do something for me.
08:31No! No more.
08:32I'm sick of this.
08:34If I've just sculpted another radish
08:35or deveined another prong...
08:37Dewey,
08:38do you trust me?
08:40No.
08:41Do you fear me?
08:43No. Not in the long run.
08:45Come on, Dewey.
08:46It's just a couple things I need that I couldn't get Dad
08:49to spring for.
08:51So here's $80 from Dad's wallet.
08:54The items on this list cost $240,
08:57so you have to turn on the cute.
09:00Can you handle it?
09:02I keep whatever's left over?
09:04Deal.
09:09Mom, can I talk to you?
09:11No, honey.
09:12Please, don't talk to me about this.
09:14No matter what I say,
09:15I'm going to be blamed.
09:16This is for you to work out with that woman.
09:19Piyama.
09:20I know her name.
09:21Can you just listen to me for a second?
09:24If Piyama and I ever were to get a divorce...
09:28Francis, don't even talk like that.
09:30I mean it.
09:31You really shouldn't.
09:36What were you going to say?
09:39If we ever were to split up,
09:42could I stay here for a while?
09:44God, Francis, I hate to even think of such a thing.
09:51But yes, if such a terrible thing were to happen,
09:55of course we'd be here for you.
09:58Thanks, Mom.
10:00I mean, it was a stupid fight, I guess,
10:02but it was emblematic of everything
10:04that was bad with the relationship.
10:06I mean, there were principles.
10:07Principles are important.
10:09I know.
10:10I mean, so what if I'd had a couple beers?
10:12How's it look in front of the guys
10:14if the woman's driving?
10:18What?
10:19She didn't care about my feelings at all.
10:22What?
10:24What?
10:25Of all the idiotic, asinine things
10:28you have ever said, Francis,
10:29this has got to be one of the worst.
10:31I thought you were on my side.
10:33You don't have a side.
10:35Now, you are going to go and apologize to that woman.
10:38You are going to tell her that you are wrong
10:40and she is absolutely blameless.
10:42You really...
10:43Go!
10:43Okay.
10:45Okay.
10:50Yes.
10:51He is an idiot.
10:55Okay, Dad, get the bird.
10:57There.
11:00Well, this is the turkey you got?
11:02It's perfect.
11:03It's really small.
11:06Well, if it were any bigger,
11:07it wouldn't be able to fit inside of this.
11:14What?
11:15You're going to put our dinner inside that monster?
11:19It's a monkfish.
11:21The juices of the monkfish will baste the turkey.
11:25The flavor from the turkey will saturate the fish.
11:28Both melding into one fantastic dish.
11:31Reese, this doesn't seem like a good idea.
11:34I don't know, Dad.
11:35Maybe you're right.
11:38Maybe I have no idea what I'm talking about.
11:40You know, that really shouldn't work.
11:50Listen, my ugly beauty.
11:53Yesterday, you were sucking scum off the bottom of the sea.
11:57Tonight, you're going to tango with the gods.
12:01Yes, Master, I will be delicious for you.
12:11Okay, things have definitely been going better.
12:14I'm absolutely more or less sure she might like me.
12:18I think.
12:20Looks like you're behind the proverbial eight ball.
12:24Oh, jeez.
12:25Proverbial?
12:26Maybe she didn't notice.
12:27Malcolm, can you hand me the chalk?
12:31It's right there next to the proverbial cheese dip.
12:34Okay, okay.
12:36I know it was a little stilted.
12:37No, I thought it was right on the proverbial money.
12:40All right.
12:41Sorry, did I hit the proverbial sore spot?
12:43You know, you may think that's flirting, but it's not.
12:46It's just hostility.
12:47No, I'm pretty sure it's flirting.
12:52Really?
12:53I guess I'm not as good as it is as I thought.
13:05Before we're old?
13:07Son, these truffles are really expensive.
13:18And if you lost your money, it's really not my problem.
13:21But they told me to get truffles.
13:25I don't know why, but my parents tell me this is going to be a very special Thanksgiving.
13:36My boss is a jackass anyway.
13:44I saw you talking to Francis, Lois.
13:51You couldn't stay out of it, could you?
13:52You had to drive a wedge.
13:54Hal, I told him that Piyama was right and that he has to apologize to her.
14:02Okay.
14:03I'm not smart enough to figure out what you're up to.
14:06But when something bad happens, I am blaming you.
14:14Dad, what are these?
14:16Minced onions.
14:17Minced.
14:18I specifically asked for dice!
14:21Come on, Dad!
14:22Don't take that tone with me, Reese.
14:25This isn't fun.
14:26Fun?
14:27No, Dewey!
14:28This is not fun!
14:29Neither one of you seems to understand.
14:31We are not playing games here!
14:33There are lives at stake!
14:35No, there aren't.
14:36Okay.
14:36But it's very important.
14:38We're creating something special.
14:41Something great.
14:43Something beautiful.
14:44Where's my wallet in my other pocket?
14:47Can we stay focused, Dad?
14:49There was $80 in here.
14:51I had to.
14:52The cheese course was a joke.
14:54Reese, you are in big trouble!
14:57And you know what?
14:58I have had it with this.
15:00I'm through!
15:03With the helping part!
15:04I'm still doing the eating part!
15:07Fine!
15:08Go!
15:08I don't need you!
15:09I still do it!
15:10He's twice the assistant entremetier that you'll ever be!
15:23Why haven't you talked to her yet?
15:25She won't let me.
15:27Every time I go near her, she walks out of the room.
15:29Piyama, I know that you and I have had our differences.
15:41Oh, you mean the cold and comfortable silences broken by the occasional veiled insult?
15:47I'm not sure I would have put it like that.
15:51Look, here's what I want to say.
15:55I believe in marriage.
15:57I believe in every marriage.
15:59And I think if you just listen to Frances, you'll like what you hear.
16:08Fine.
16:10Frances!
16:17I'll just leave you two to talk.
16:25You know what?
16:26I didn't want to butt in, but I'm glad I did.
16:29What did you do, Lois?
16:31I talked to Piyama.
16:33At least she seemed interested in listening to what Frances had to say.
16:36He's going to tell her exactly what I told him to say.
16:39What business is it of yours if I don't want to wear thong underpants?
16:43What?
16:44Piyama!
16:44I didn't get that finished!
16:45See what happens, Lois!
16:47I don't care what shape we cut the mushrooms.
16:50I quit!
16:51This is why you're always going to be a little man living in a little world.
16:55I don't need you.
16:56I don't need anyone.
16:57You will not be happy.
16:58This is the best Thanksgiving ever.
17:01This is the worst Thanksgiving ever.
17:06I'm going to memorize this moment so I never forget it.
17:17Where is everybody?
17:36Fireworks?
17:40Bastards!
17:42No one came and got us!
17:44Where the hell are them?
17:51Let me do the talking.
17:55Good evening to you, sir.
17:57Oh, hi.
17:58Where is everyone?
18:00Study.
18:02Probably.
18:03That would be my guess.
18:04What, is he asleep?
18:06I think he ate too much turkey.
18:09All that kryptonite.
18:11There's pie upstairs.
18:13That's a very generous offer.
18:15I know the pilgrims, you know, facing that first bitter cold winter.
18:20I really would have appreciated a little bit of pie.
18:23That might...
18:24Ow!
18:24I think I'm getting better at reading her signals.
18:34I know the pilgrims.
18:35Yes.
18:47Are you okay?
18:48I'm back.
18:57I'm back.
19:01Come on.
19:04Let's do it.
19:14You gonna?
19:16I gotta go.
19:23My brother will kick your ass if you tell.
19:27What is all this stuff?
19:36Come on.
19:37Good, I need you.
19:38Here, stir this pot.
19:41All right, all right.
19:43I just like to stuff the acorn squash rings with roasted pepper and polenta.
19:48Sear the scallops with...
19:50The monkfish!
19:54Where are the elements?
19:55Do you want me to look?
19:56No, keep stirring.
19:58No placemats.
19:59No tea towels.
20:01I need something.
20:02I'll get a towel from the bathroom.
20:04No, there's not enough time.
20:05It has to come at exactly 538.
20:08Not 537, not 539.
20:10What are you gonna do?
20:12There's only one thing I can do.
20:17Priest, no!
20:18Yes!
20:19I'll leave you to space!
20:22Move the oven mitts!
20:30Where is Malcolm?
20:36He knows he's supposed to be here.
20:37This is Thanksgiving.
20:39Yeah, he certainly wouldn't want to miss this.
20:43Well, I've done it.
20:46The feast is about to start.
20:48It's about time.
20:49I'm not even hungry.
20:51Can I be excused?
20:52I'm not even hungry.
20:53Go!
20:53Let's go!
20:58I love you!
21:00Oh my God!
21:02Oh my God!
21:11The Turkey Monkfish.
21:35I'll say grace.
21:36Thank you, Lord, for giving me the talent to express my love for my family in the only way I know how.
21:46Amen.
21:47Amen.
21:51Hey, party people.
21:54Oh, my God, you're drunk.
21:57What on earth is wrong with you?
21:59I will tell you what is wrong with me on earth.
22:03The reason why I drink is because I'm a coward and probably gay.
22:11I let a perfect opportunity just slip right through my fingers.
22:15And, you know, I thought I'd cap it off by getting stinking drunk.
22:20What do you think of your golden boy now, Mom?
22:24What golden boy?
22:26Get in your room.
22:27I'll deal with you later.
22:29I will go to my room when I am finished with what I have to say.
22:46Hey, come on.
22:48Some of this shrimp is still good.
22:49I just left her there on the floor and staggered home.
22:57To shower us with affection.
23:01Yeah.
23:02Well, it's nothing to be ashamed of.
23:05I mean, sure, the distance wasn't much of a factor.
23:08But the volume was impressive.
23:11So you can see this girl again?
23:12Are you kidding?
23:15I can't believe it.
23:17We were alone.
23:18She wanted to do it.
23:20I was right there.
23:23How could I have chickened out?
23:25Dude, you didn't take advantage of a drunk chick.
23:31Mom must be slipping.
23:33All I got was no TV, video games, or computer.
23:36I have to clean all the kitchen and bathroom tile with a toothbrush, wash every window in
23:41the house, and change Jamie's diaper for the next six months.
23:46No, you got like nine other things after you passed out.
23:51You have got to do something, Lois.
23:54Piyama just asked me for a ride to the bus station.
23:57I thought you didn't want me to interfere.
23:59Okay.
24:00I take back everything I said.
24:02You can interfere as much as you want.
24:04Just fix it.
24:07Well, I'm ready.
24:13Piyama, there's just one thing I want to say.
24:17I know that breaking up is painful, but I think in the long run, you'll find it's for
24:22the best.
24:23For the best?
24:24Well, Frances, let's be serious.
24:26This marriage never had a chance.
24:29I just think that you'll be better friends once you're divorced.
24:33Who said we're getting divorced?
24:35I love Frances.
24:38You can't stand to see anyone happy, can you, Mom?
24:41Come on, honey.
24:42Let's go get my things.
24:44They're out in the trash.
24:45Sorry, honey.
24:47That's okay, sweetie.
24:51Once again, you've underestimated us.
24:54We're not the little dancing monkeys you thought we were.
25:00Thanks, honey.
25:01Daddy ever had an orange one.
25:20I'll see you next time.
25:22Bye.
25:23Bye.
25:23Bye.
25:23Bye.
25:23Bye.
25:28Bye.
25:29Bye.