Malcolm In The Middle Season 3 Episode 7 Christmas
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00:00Second increments.
00:01You go to the bathroom, you lose the remote.
00:03Fine.
00:05I can wait.
00:08I don't know.
00:09You drank a lot of soda.
00:11It must really be pushing up against the walls of your bladder.
00:14Not gonna work.
00:16And then, I had four glasses of Dad's iced tea.
00:20He just kept pouring and pouring.
00:24Not gonna work.
00:25The equivalent of three semi-trailers of water.
00:28Pour over the falls every second.
00:32Not gonna work.
00:37Not gonna work.
00:42Turns out, this is way better than anything on TV.
00:47Yes, no, maybe.
00:51I don't know.
00:54Can you repeat the question?
00:58You're not the boss of me now.
01:01You're not the boss of me now.
01:04You're not the boss of me now.
01:06And you're not so big.
01:09You're not the boss of me now.
01:12You're not the boss of me now.
01:15You're not the boss of me now.
01:17And you're not so big.
01:20Life is unfair
01:24Alright, turn it
01:29Turn it
01:30Turn it
01:32No, too far, go back
01:33Back, back, back, back, back, back, back, back, back, back
01:35Right there, there, there, there, there
01:36Okay, just three more inches clockwise
01:39Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, easy, easy
01:41Okay, back a couple degrees, a couple degrees
01:43Steady, steady
01:44Yeah, there, perfect
01:46Ha, ha, ha
01:48Oh
01:49These needles here are going against the grain
01:54That's all I'm gonna be able to look at
01:56Don't move
02:00Just spend a couple of days with Grandma
02:04You can leave right after Christmas
02:06I am not visiting that woman
02:08She's evil and she hates me
02:10Francis, this is family
02:12This is Grandma's first Christmas
02:14Since Grandpa died and you live the closest
02:16How can you be so selfish?
02:18Well, did you invite her to your house?
02:22She knows she's always welcome
02:24Hey, maybe we'll both get on a bus
02:26And come down and surprise you
02:28Don't you threaten me
02:30I am ending this discussion
02:33You are going to Whitehorse
02:36You are going to the drugstore to buy her a gift
02:38And you are both going to have a proper Christmas
02:41Oh, look at the little baby
02:45I hate you
02:49This is all coming, you stupid
02:53Son of a
02:54Boys
02:55Dewey asked us to do it
02:57What is wrong with you?
03:02The tree is barely in the door
03:04And already you're sturdy
03:06I can't leave you alone for even one second
03:19Without you trying to kill each other
03:21This is supposed to be a happy time
03:24I don't know what it is
03:26But Mom freaks out about something every Christmas
03:29Oh, oh, oh, oh
03:33Happy Christmas to you
03:36Happy Christmas-
03:52Have you ever had PDF maravilhosal?
03:54Happy Christmas to you
03:55Maybe it's the lack of sunlight in the winter. I heard that messes up some people's brains
04:19Hi grandma
04:25God sakes it's colder in here. Don't you turn the heat on? I'm not gonna pay those pirates
04:35Well in the spirit of this season, let's begin this pathetic charade and never know what you're talking about
04:42Talk like a jackass
04:44You do this to torture me? To hurt me?
04:58You don't like Christmas music?
05:00It sounds like a song they sang when they would ride through the villages and throw the babies into the fire
05:06They sang jingle bells
05:09They sang something
05:12Well look at that eight o'clock already way past my bedtime. Where do I sleep?
05:21You're sitting on it. Does it turn into a bed?
05:24Yes, it becomes a bed
05:26It's a special magic sofa
05:30It opens up for magic lazy boy and angels come and feed you crepes and sing to you while you sleep
05:40And it flies around the room
05:42Grunting wishes for boys that are stupid
05:46All right, it doesn't fold out
05:49Can I look yet?
05:51Just a minute
05:53Hey, this is supposed to be the dewey from both of us. I picked it out. I stepped in it
06:05Hey
06:09Hey
06:16Gotcha
06:18Mom, how nice to see you home
06:31I have had it
06:35What are you doing?
06:39I am taking everything
06:41Every present
06:43Every decoration
06:44Every treat
06:45I am locking it in a garage
06:47Every single Christmas
06:49You scream or burn or break or destroy
06:52And I am putting a stack to it
06:54She's stealing Christmas
06:56Mom, you can't do this
06:58Yeah, this is the last year
06:59Do it will believe in Santa Claus
07:01What?
07:03If you boys behave until Christmas morning
07:05There will be a Christmas morning
07:08Otherwise, these are going back to the store
07:11And Christmas will be cancelled
07:14You want to cancel Christmas?
07:18You're bluffing
07:19You cancelled Christmas?
07:36I am not cancelling Christmas
07:39I'm holding it hostage
07:40I know
07:41It seems harsh
07:42But nothing else has ever worked
07:44Every year we yell
07:45We threaten
07:46We bargain
07:47We beg
07:48Maybe this time
07:49They'll behave
07:50We're in this together
07:51I'm playing the unity card
07:53But I'm
07:54The unity card, Hal
07:56But
07:56I love Christmas
08:00I know you do, dear
08:02Isn't there anything that trumps the unity card?
08:13Hal
08:13I really think we can win this nom thing
08:30That's not for you
08:41That's for the cameras
08:43You're ruining smoking for me
08:53You sound like you're dying
08:57You'd like that, wouldn't you?
08:59You can't wait to get your hands on my tinks
09:02Oh, yeah, Grandma
09:03I got big plans for these doilies
09:05And I really want that can of peaches
09:06That's been on your shelf for 30 years
09:08Don't touch my peaches
09:10Oh, look, I'm really gonna touch
09:12Oh, look, I'm really gonna touch your hands on my tinks
09:23Stop your rocket!
09:25Face and paper, I'm trying to sleep!
09:28You stupid music!
09:30There's no thingy pudding for you here!
09:33Please pass the syrup, please
09:44Thank you
09:46You are very welcome
09:48More coffee?
09:50Please
09:50I'll get it for you, Mom
09:51I'll get it for you, Mom
09:51That's okay
09:52Well, then, I hope you'll let us wash the dishes
09:55Absolutely
09:56We'd love to
09:57Now that I'll take you up on
09:59I think we can do this
10:03It's Christmas Eve
10:04And we'd behave for 10 hours
10:06Okay, eight more sleep
10:08But still
10:09We can make it through another 24, right?
10:11Who wants the last waffle?
10:13I do!
10:16Oh, no
10:17You know
10:19I would really like that waffle
10:23Yes
10:24But I am a growing boy
10:26Perhaps it would be best
10:28If I had the waffle
10:30Thanks for offering it to me, boys
10:44They are such good boys
11:14What the hell is wrong with you?
11:22You like pushing me?
11:24That's what happens when you push big tough guy
11:27Can't you do the entire family a favor and just die?
11:31All you have ever done is treat us like dirt
11:35You shouldn't even be allowed to be a grandma
11:37Are you finished?
11:40Yes
11:40I am
11:41Oh, God
11:43I am so sorry
11:47I should have kissed your boo-boos and made them better
11:53I was supposed to tell a bad little boy stories
11:57And bake you giant sugar cookies
11:59And knit you nice fluffy sweaters
12:02I should have carried you and held you
12:05And told you how much I loved your diapers
12:08Why don't you just unhinge your jaw and finish me off
12:12After my magnum P.I.
12:17Louis!
12:17I'm home
12:18Now, honey
12:25I know I'm not supposed to do this
12:27But I saw something in the store today
12:29And I had to get it for you
12:30It's a little more than we agreed we would spend on each other
12:33But I figured, hey, it's Christmas
12:35We have the whole rest of the year to follow the rules
12:39It's beautiful
12:41And I mean, isn't that what this season is all about?
12:44You know, relaxing, enjoying things, making people happy
12:48Hell, that's so sweet and thoughtful
12:51I hope I get to open it
12:54Rats!
13:02You're doing it all wrong
13:05You have seven ornaments
13:06I'm putting them on your tree
13:08How could I be doing it wrong?
13:10Go get the angel of mantle
13:12Who's this?
13:21That is your grandfather when he was
13:24Young man
13:25Tell me that eyebrow thing isn't genetic
13:31You and him
13:33Both the same
13:35Always had to have your own way
13:38Not and ever good enough
13:40Always had to fight everything
13:43Victor always had to be so independent
13:47Left home when he was 11
13:50Lived on his own
13:53Got to work on farm
13:55Plowing the fields
13:57Like a man
13:58Woked 18 hours a day
14:01Had to sleep with the pigs
14:03But he never complained
14:06He was strong
14:10He made something of himself
14:14Nobody like that anymore
14:18Everybody's too soft
14:22Hey Grandma, why don't you let me help you with that?
14:28Your grandfather was tough
14:30He didn't take anything from anybody
14:35He was proud
14:41A man of honor
14:44He was a wonderful
14:49Wonderful man
14:53We poor man
14:57Withar
15:02chefs
15:02Do
15:03Firefox
15:03Do
15:04PJ
15:07reconnaissance
15:09Grandma?
15:14Grandma!
15:16Oh
15:20Oh God
15:23just one more night we can get through one night we should be proud of ourselves
15:40everything's put away we haven't had a single fight we did it we're going to get presents
15:48we're going to get presents what do we do now i guess we could take a nap
15:53or maybe play quietly very quietly
15:57shut up beanie shut up
16:06god i'll be so glad when christmas is over yeah we'll be safe for another year mom's doing this
16:17next christmas why wouldn't she it worked didn't it and what if it's not just christmas
16:23what do you mean what if she does it for other things like halloween or fourth of july or our
16:29birthdays she can't do this i can't take it anymore we have to do something to stop her
16:35something drastic i'm in mom needs to know she can't take special occasions hostage
16:41she needs to know we don't negotiate she turned a beautiful family holiday into a nightmare
16:48it's time we show her the true spirit of christmas
16:53now before you say anything i don't want you to think of this as christmas cider
17:19this is non-denominational winter cider
17:22oh the boys are doing so well i
17:25lois
17:28i'm a terrible mother i should be allowed to have children
17:34i ruined christmas
17:38what do you mean the boys are behaving like i never knew they could behave
17:43i thought that's what you wanted
17:44yeah but i didn't want it like this
17:47i wanted to take it back five minutes after i started grabbing those presents
17:53but i didn't know how i'm a monster
17:57oh no you're not a monster
18:00i am i really am
18:02no you're not a monster
18:04why don't you just admit i'm a monster
18:06all right in this particular case you're a monster
18:11i know
18:12just let the machine get it
18:19come on you know how when you cry it makes me cry
18:23you are a wonderful mother and you're a wonderful person
18:29hey mom it's francis
18:32i just want you to know that i am disgusted with the way you treat grandma
18:36abandoning a helpless old woman at christmas
18:38i hope you're ashamed of yourself
18:40i am
18:42i am
18:44now the boys don't deserve this
18:47i mean they're a little high spirited but they're good good boys
18:53god this feels so right
18:56this is way better than real christmas
18:59remember
19:01mess them up just enough so mom can't return them
19:04wait a minute
19:08mom got me the exact video game i asked for
19:12these are better than what i asked for
19:17you know what
19:21mom got me everything i wanted
19:24me too
19:26she listened to us
19:31okay so she got lucky a few times
19:34i never asked for a stupid globe
19:37that's mine
19:39the cleats are yours
19:42mom really tried this year
19:47all she wanted was a nice christmas
19:49and we ruined it
19:52in all fairness we ruined everything
19:56remember how happy we were a minute ago
20:00how do we go back
20:02i don't know
20:05do we have any paint left
20:07no
20:13oh well
20:19what are you doing
20:20i'm doing you a favor so why don't you shut up and enjoy it
20:24what is this
20:34oh you don't want to look in there it's too sad
20:38oh grandma what are all these things
20:42i mean look at this there must be like a thousand dollars worth of stuff in here
20:46two thousand seven hundred thirty five dollars
20:50forty five hundred canadian
20:53what are they doing in your closet
20:56their gifts
20:57for the family
20:58for relatives
20:59for friends
21:01but you never give presents
21:03you
21:04oh my god donato with pizza throwing action
21:07i wanted one of these when i was six
21:09i know you did i bought that for you
21:12no you didn't
21:13yes i did
21:14and then
21:16right before christmas
21:18your mommy put you on the phone
21:20you call me poopy and hung up
21:23is that the bread maker mom was asking for last year
21:27if she wants bread so much she should write back
21:31when her mother writes to her
21:33oh
21:35this was for cousin nicola
21:37i spent a day shopping for it
21:40then she marries a protestant
21:43that camera
21:45for your father
21:47right before he refused to drive me to the liquor store
21:51all the nice things i do for people
21:56oh my god you're crazy
22:00i just thought you were evil but you are nuts
22:04what are you talking about
22:07grandma gifts aren't conditional
22:09they're gifts
22:10you give them to people because you love them
22:12they're not something you can take away because of some petty slight
22:16you're not teaching people anything
22:18you haven't gotten back at them
22:20they don't even know they've upset you
22:22all you have done here
22:24is constructed a monument
22:26to your own insanity
22:27what kind of a person does that
22:30a lonely
22:33bitter
22:35old woman
22:38what
22:39look what i've done
22:41what use
22:44is all these things to me now
22:47they could have brought someone some happiness
22:51instead they rot here
22:53grandma
22:56grandma
22:57my heart
22:59heart
22:59i
23:00i think
23:02it's
23:03melting
23:05yes
23:08it's melting
23:12oh
23:13you've shown me the way
23:16francis
23:17by yelling at me
23:19quick
23:20go get my magic sled
23:22and me and my reindeers
23:24will go and give christmas
23:26to all the mean
23:27stupid
23:28rude people
23:29we'll all join hands
23:31and sing songs
23:33and we'll sprinkle the engrage
23:35with fairy dust
23:37and my
23:38are you sure you want to do this
23:40yes
23:40i don't know what i was thinking
23:42taking presents away from children
23:44what kind of a sick person does that
23:47look i just want to get everything out of the garage
23:50set it up in the house
23:51and have a nice christmas
23:53you know what
23:54why don't we wake up the boys
23:56and have christmas tonight
23:57i can't wait to see the look on their sweet little faces
24:00well hell
24:19that was
24:20smart of you to
24:23wake up the boys
24:25so they could help
24:28us carry in the presents
24:33yes
24:34yes
24:36welcome
24:37come on
24:37come on hurry up boys
24:40sure
24:41yeah
24:42okay
24:44okay
24:49okay
24:54okay
24:58well cut off his hands
25:01and stick them in his carcouchnik
25:04Oh, well, I hope you like him, sweetie.
25:33Oh, I think we have another present here for Reese.
25:37I wonder what it is.
25:39This really is the best Christmas we've ever had.
25:43I don't know why we didn't try this whole denial thing a long time ago.
26:03We'll see you next time.
26:33Oh, well, I think we'll see you next time.
26:35Bye.
26:39Bye.
26:41Bye.
26:43Bye.