Malcolm In The Middle Season 1 Episode 5 Malcolm Babysits
Category
📺
TVTranscript
00:01You're welcome.
00:02Wow.
00:03That was a really great move.
00:05My head's just been flying.
00:08You're welcome.
00:09I told you boys, these games are too violent!
00:14Here, watch something wholesome.
00:17The sun is a mass of incandescent gas, a gigantic nuclear furnace, where hydrogen is built together.
00:29Give me more chips!
00:30Get your own, doofus!
00:31Shut up!
00:32I'm watching!
00:33You shut up!
00:34I want more chips!
00:35Here!
00:36What is this?
00:41Yes, no, maybe.
00:46I don't know.
00:49Can you repeat the question?
00:53You're not the boss of me now.
00:56You're not the boss of me now.
00:59You're not the boss of me now.
01:01And you're not so big.
01:04You're not the boss of me now.
01:07You're not the boss of me now.
01:10You're not the boss of me now.
01:12And you're not so big.
01:17Life is unfair.
01:27$90 for a toy?
01:29It's not a toy.
01:30It's a robotics kit.
01:32You build a little mechanical rover.
01:34It teaches you about electronics and engineering.
01:37Did they teach you how to pick up your socks?
01:39Because that I'd be interested in.
01:41Besides, son, robots are evil.
01:44What?
01:45Westworld Terminator, the creep you made from the Jetsons.
01:49How much scientific proof do you need?
01:51Mom!
01:52Malcolm, no!
01:53Look, if you want this thing so badly, you pay for it with your own money.
01:57You're going to start babysitting next week.
01:59Just save up.
02:00I don't even know what they're going to pay me.
02:02I'll tell you what they're going to pay you.
02:03They're going to pay you what all jobs pay.
02:05Less than you're worth and just enough to keep your crawling back for more.
02:08Now, go on.
02:09It's bedtime.
02:10That's the way discussions go down in this family.
02:15I tell them my needs and they say no.
02:18Then Dad reveals another cartoon character he's afraid of.
02:25Hey, how much time do you think we have?
02:28Not long enough for that look.
02:31You butt wipe!
02:33That's my toothbrush!
02:35So use mine!
02:36You can't just take someone's toothbrush.
02:39Give me that.
02:40Fine.
02:44Oops.
02:54Hal, that is the third bug I've seen today.
02:57You have got to call the exterminator.
03:00I didn't miss out on watching you hunt.
03:02You're like a sexy, bug-killing panther.
03:09No, don't stop!
03:15That's it!
03:16Bedtime was 20 minutes ago.
03:19Go to bed!
03:20Go to bed!
03:21Bed!
03:22Help!
03:23Bring the spray!
03:24I haven't rinsed yet!
03:25Only boys who behave themselves get to rinse.
03:26Honestly, every night we go through this.
03:27Mom, can I have a story?
03:28Once upon a time, there was a little boy who made his mother so crazy she decided to sell
03:34him to the circus.
03:35An evil circus?
03:36No.
03:37A nice one with monkeys.
03:39Wait, wait, wait, wait.
03:40I think I see where they're coming from.
03:42I cannot hide.
03:43Oh, I cannot hide.
03:44Ah!
03:45Oh!
03:46Whoa!
03:47Oh!
03:52Oh!
03:53Oh, what?
03:54What?
03:55Oh, what?
03:56Oh!
03:57What?
03:58Oh!
03:59Oh!
04:00Oh!
04:01Oh!
04:02Oh!
04:03Oh!
04:04Oh!
04:05Oh!
04:06Oh!
04:07Oh!
04:08Oh!
04:09Oh!
04:10Oh!
04:11Oh, that's awkward!
04:12Okay, come on boys, we're all camping out in the bed.
04:28Here we go.
04:30Hey Francis, aren't you going to open up your mom's care package?
04:33Give me a minute.
04:34I'm still savoring this.
04:36I swiped Commandant Spangler's master key.
04:39It opens every door in the academy, Stanley.
04:43Every door.
04:45You know, I think it's cookies.
04:47Who cares?
04:48I'm about to expose every secret sin this place conceals to the harsh light of day.
04:54So can I open it?
04:57Yeah.
05:01What'd my mom send me?
05:05Bug infested cookies.
05:07As usual, a mixed message.
05:16And this is the living room.
05:19This is the biggest, nicest house I've ever seen.
05:25Wow!
05:29Pomo Canthus Imperator.
05:31We call him Barney.
05:33Malcolm?
05:34We saved you some dinner.
05:37Dinner?
05:38Me?
05:39Saved?
05:40Dinner?
05:41We weren't sure which you liked better, turkey or roast beef, so we fixed you a platter.
05:47Platter?
05:48Okay kids, what time is it?
05:51Bedtime!
05:53Yay!
05:54All right, you're going to bed?
05:55So you're just paying me to hang out here for three hours.
05:59Well, maybe three and a half.
06:01We'll round up to four, of course.
06:06Come on, there's got to be a catch.
06:08Oh, and Malcolm, you can't watch television.
06:12Unless you turn on the satellite first.
06:14Otherwise, all you'll get is pornography.
06:15It's weird.
06:20I think I'm having a spasm.
06:23The muscles in my face keep pulling on my mouth.
06:27Oh, I think I'm happy.
06:29I just don't understand how it got so bad so fast.
06:34Well, it's been pretty hot this year.
06:35That's part of it.
06:36But mostly it's that giant pile of candy wrappers and half-eaten cereal boxes you have in your crawl space.
06:44It's like there's some kind of creepy hobo living down there.
06:48Whoa, there really is a lost bomb shelter.
07:00Wow, this is almost as exciting as that room full of folding chairs.
07:07Let's get out of here.
07:10Oh, come on, Francis.
07:12Don't you want to explore?
07:13Or you might find the abandoned furnace room or the old Civil War amputation.
07:18I didn't want to say this before, but you've confirmed it.
07:22Marlin Academy is the most boring place on Earth.
07:27We're not going to find anything interesting.
07:34I take that back.
07:37Look, the circus!
07:39The circus is at our house!
07:43I'll say goodbye for a few days, boys.
07:46We're moving out.
07:47This is humiliating.
07:49Why can't we just stay at a nice hotel?
07:51Because we're giving all our money to the exterminators so they can stay in nice hotels.
08:01Craig, thank you so much for lending us your trailer.
08:04I'm just glad.
08:06Someone's finally getting some use out of it.
08:08I bought it 15 years ago to take on my honeymoon.
08:11You were married?
08:11No, I live on hope.
08:14Well, thanks again.
08:17You're welcome.
08:21Bye.
08:28Goodbye.
08:29Oh, this is cozy.
08:47It's 150 degrees in here.
08:50My butt is sweating.
08:51It just needs to air out a little.
08:54The trailer.
08:55Come on, let's make the best of this.
08:58I'm going to go babysit.
09:01It's still early.
09:02They don't mind.
09:04Are they paying you okay?
09:06Yeah, it's okay.
09:07I can't believe how much these people are paying me.
09:13I did the math.
09:15I'm actually making more an hour than Mom does.
09:20Mike!
09:21I've got to stop doing this.
09:25It's creepy, right?
09:27Mike!
09:29Lester.
09:31Looks like he was the janitor.
09:33How long do you think he's been down here?
09:41I'd say May of 85.
09:44You can tell that by tasting?
09:46No, the date on the newspaper.
09:48Then why did you lick him?
09:50How often do you get a taste of mummy?
09:52We should tell someone about him.
09:57Uh, no, you can't do that.
09:59Commandant will know you took the key, and he'll punish you.
10:02And then he'll punish me.
10:04And I'm going to have to punish you.
10:06Yeah, but don't you think that's kind of sad?
10:09I mean, Lester's family will never know what happened to him.
10:13They probably still sit a place for him on holidays.
10:16Yeah, well, judging by the empty scotch bottles and German dungeon porn,
10:20I don't think so.
10:24Damn.
10:25Beta.
10:34And you made fun of me when I bought this mesh underwear.
10:41Who looks like an idiot now?
10:44I stand corrected.
10:47Close the door.
10:48Were you raised in a barn?
10:49But it's cooler outside.
10:51Are you sure?
10:52Yeah.
11:00Oh.
11:01Will you please make up your mind?
11:21No need for that kind of tone.
11:23There isn't a tone.
11:24There it is again.
11:27Look, Hal, it's hot.
11:29We're all cranky.
11:30Would you please just drop it?
11:33Fine.
11:33I think you should apologize.
11:38You know, I didn't hear you apologizing to me when you used up all the liquid in the chemical
11:42toilet.
11:43Well, we have your taco casserole to thank for that, don't we?
11:49Boys, can you step outside for a second?
11:51You fellas and I need a little privacy.
11:53Look, I don't want to say anything in front of the boys, but you are behaving like a giant
12:03ass.
12:04Oh, really?
12:06Well, as long as we're on the subject of giant asses.
12:09I'm ready to go.
12:13Hey, you want to see something?
12:15That's okay.
12:16I don't want to break it.
12:17Ah, don't be silly.
12:18Come take a look.
12:25Wow.
12:25That's a spiral galaxy.
12:28These people are amazing.
12:30They're rich.
12:31They're smart.
12:32They're polite.
12:33What are they going to do next?
12:35Give me a million dollars?
12:36Malcolm, do you want a million dollars?
12:40What?
12:41I said, do you want a sandwich to take home?
12:44Oh, close enough.
12:47I only asked out your sister because you said you weren't interested.
12:52And I was thinking of you the whole time.
12:53No, I don't get any of that.
12:55I saw the char bracelet.
12:57This isn't even mine.
13:00What are you insane?
13:01You're throwing out stuff that's not even mine.
13:06What are you looking at?
13:12Hey, it's a private conversation, buster.
13:15Huh?
13:17Oh, yeah.
13:18Like you've never seen this before.
13:22My mistake.
13:23I'm on the next street over.
13:25You were right about Lester.
13:35I checked him out.
13:37No wife.
13:38No kids.
13:40Poor guy didn't have a friend in the world.
13:42Did you tell anyone about this place?
13:53No.
13:55Huh.
13:56Must have been me, though.
13:58All right, that's enough.
14:01Party's over.
14:03Do you guys have any respect for the dead?
14:05You took his wallet.
14:07Lester would have wanted me to have his ID.
14:09But that's not the point.
14:12This man was not just an alcoholic, pervert janitor.
14:17He was one of us.
14:19He hated the Commandant as much as we do.
14:22He was filled with impotent rage like we are.
14:26This man was a hero.
14:29And heroes do not rot alone in basements.
14:33They are immortalized in song.
14:38They were sent off to Valhalla in flaming ships.
14:41They are not put in beer hats or used as photo props or given fake mustaches.
14:50That wasn't fake.
15:00My bad.
15:02What do we do now?
15:05Go for the spare.
15:06Go for the spare.
15:06Stop fire duty.
15:10Stop fire duty.
15:10Stop fire duty.
15:10Stop fire duty.
15:11I know what you just did.
15:12I know what you just did.
15:13I know what you just did.
15:13Stop fire.
15:14Stop fire duty.
15:14Stop fire duty.
15:15Stop fire duty.
15:15Stop fire duty.
15:16Stop fire duty.
15:17Stop fire duty.
15:18Stop fire duty.
15:19Stop fire duty.
15:20Stop fire duty.
15:21Stop fire duty.
15:22Stop fire duty.
15:23Stop fire duty.
15:24I know what you just did.
15:25I know what you just did.
15:26I know what you did.
15:27Stop fire duty.
15:28Stop fire duty.
15:29Stop fire duty.
15:30Stop fire duty.
15:31Stop fire duty.
15:32Stop fire duty.
15:33Stop fire duty.
15:34Stop fire duty.
15:36Francis, I'm sorry I'm calling you so late.
15:57I had to talk to someone.
15:59Hey, no problem.
16:00What's going on?
16:01I don't know.
16:02Do you ever feel like you don't really belong in the family?
16:07Dude, I'm in military school.
16:09I think that question's been answered.
16:12Right.
16:14This is good.
16:15At least someone else in the family is normal.
16:18Hey, listen, while I got you, you're in school with all those science brains.
16:23How would you reattach a head to a dead body?
16:32Keep it down!
16:38Huh?
16:39Don't talk to your mother like that.
16:40Why would you go sit in the corner?
16:42There are no corners.
16:47Are you ready to make up?
16:51No.
16:53Me neither.
16:54Oh, hello, son.
17:01You know, I barely see you anymore.
17:04Now, babysitting has turned into a full-time job.
17:07Well, sometimes I just go over there and hang out.
17:10Watch TV.
17:13Live in a house.
17:17Dad, does this seem okay to you?
17:20Gosh, no.
17:21Well, your mother and I have never fought for this long before.
17:25It's been days and we still haven't made up.
17:28I don't even know what the problem is.
17:31No, something's missing.
17:35Oh, look at that sky, Malcolm.
17:39Just think.
17:42Somewhere out there,
17:44with all those stars and planets,
17:48there might be at this very moment
17:50a space dad
17:53who just got kicked out of his space trailer
17:56who's looking down at us.
18:01Or would it be up at us?
18:04Or maybe sideways?
18:06Trust me, Dad.
18:08They're all looking down on us.
18:10The matinee gets out at four,
18:15so we should be back before dinner.
18:17Okay.
18:18What do you want me to feed the kids for lunch?
18:20Whatever you want.
18:22We trust you.
18:24They trust me.
18:25People like this trust me.
18:27I honestly have to say something nice back to them.
18:30This is why my family sucks.
18:32I have no training in this.
18:36This job...
18:39me like.
18:41Well, we're thrilled to have found you, Malcolm.
18:45The kids love you.
18:47You're great to have around.
18:48You've really become one of the family.
18:50I may not have been switched at birth,
19:00but I should have been.
19:01I love these people.
19:02I love these people.
19:03I love these people.
19:30I love these people.
19:30I don't know.
20:00Okay, come on.
20:09Wait a minute.
20:16Sorry.
20:20Well, let's see what our little friend did today.
20:30Okay.
20:31I'm not going to be back here.
20:32I'm not going to be back here.
20:34Let's go.
20:36Okay.
20:37Okay.
20:38I don't know.
21:08Oh, hi.
21:17Don't worry.
21:18I never hurt Barney.
21:20He's part of the family.
21:21Just like I'm part of the family, right?
21:24And since a big part of his family is being such a huge phony
21:27and launching secret investigations against each other,
21:31I thought I'd join in.
21:33Personal computers are great.
21:34You can file tax returns, medical records,
21:38embarrassing private email.
21:41Little security tip, though.
21:43Never use your birthday as your password.
21:47And hiding things in a fake salt can?
21:50That's just silly.
21:53I don't know who Melissa is,
21:55but she sure wears a lot of lipstick.
21:58Anyway, I think I hear you guys pulling up in the driveway.
22:01So let's just leave it at this.
22:03I quit.
22:05Bye.
22:11Who's Melissa?
22:11Oh, hi, son.
22:20Didn't hear you drive up.
22:22I decided to walk.
22:25So how's the job going?
22:27They were jerks, so I quit.
22:29Well, that's pretty much what work is.
22:32Welcome to the club.
22:35Dad?
22:36Yeah?
22:37I'm really sorry.
22:39What?
22:40About quitting?
22:41Ah.
22:43No big deal.
22:44Especially for you.
22:46Malcolm, you should set your sights as high as you can.
22:49If anyone in this family has a shot of greatness, it's you.
22:53Just, uh, do me a favor.
22:56Look after your brothers.
22:57Okay, wait, wait.
22:59You mean everything you just said, right?
23:01Oh, why would I say something I didn't mean?
23:05See, that's what I'm talking about.
23:07This family may be rude, loud, and gross, and have no shame whatsoever.
23:13Anyway, with them, you know where you stand.
23:18And when I have a problem, they're always there.
23:21Oh, my lord.
23:23Sex.
23:24Sex.
23:24Sex.
23:24Sex.
23:24Sex.
23:24Sex.
23:24Sex.
23:26Sex.
23:28Sex.
23:28Sex.
23:28Sex.
23:32Things didn't work out so bad.
23:34I made enough money to get my robotics kit.
23:38Or maybe I should do something nice for my family.
23:41Take them to dinner, treat them to a movie.
23:46Nah.
23:48Then I couldn't do this.
23:52Like the ancient civilizations before us,
23:55we send off this noble man with the riches he had in life.
23:59so he may enjoy them in the afterlife.
24:09Farewell, noble Lester.
24:18It's burning really fast.
24:21How much gas did you use?
24:23Half a can.
24:27Where'd you put the can?
24:29Oh.
24:35Look, it's heading toward the boathouse.
24:45What do you think?
24:47Run?
24:49Yeah, I'd run.
24:59I figured it out.
25:06Hal, are you okay?
25:07Yeah, shh, shh, shh.
25:09Whenever we'd fight, you'd yell, then I'd yell, but then we would, you know, go see we haven't had a chance to, because, you know, we're in a trailer with kids and we can't...
25:20Oh, my God, Hal, you're right.
25:24Well, what are we gonna do?
25:25We got the kids.
25:26No, no, no, I got it all figured out.
25:27Well, what do you think?
25:29Well, what are we gonna do?
25:30I don't know.
25:31Well, where'd the kids go...
25:37And look, all the kids go for, and...
25:41Oh, listen.