Malcolm In The Middle Season 4 Episode 11 Long Drive
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00:00Here it is.
00:01I'll do it.
00:05Thanks.
00:07That credit card thing digs ours.
00:10Yes, no, maybe.
00:14I don't know.
00:17Can you repeat the question?
00:21You're not the boss of me now.
00:24You're not the boss of me now.
00:26You're not the boss of me now.
00:29And you're not so big.
00:32You're not the boss of me now.
00:35You're not the boss of me now.
00:38You're not the boss of me now.
00:40And you're not so big.
00:45Life is unfair.
00:53Why do you have to take your pillow to your sister's?
00:56Well, how?
00:57I don't know how long I'm going to be there.
00:58I want to be comfortable.
01:00Well, what am I supposed to sniff while you're gone?
01:03Mom's baby doctor is making her move to her sister's house for a while.
01:07Dad's starting to get used to it.
01:09At least now he goes out to the garage to cry.
01:12Aha!
01:13No coaster.
01:15Look at that ring.
01:16That is why I have to move out of this house.
01:19Mom.
01:19Every time you boys thoughtlessly mar the furniture by refusing to use coasters, what are you doing?
01:29Killing the baby.
01:31Killing the baby.
01:33Every time you run through the house, every time you destroy furniture, every time you fight
01:39with each other, you are killing the baby.
01:42Alice, the doctor just said you should avoid stress.
01:45Which is just medical jargon for the simple fact that every time you boys misbehave, you
01:51might as well be taking a knife and putting it in that baby's tiny little heart.
01:55Will you stop saying that?
01:56I just hope you boys have the character to channel the horrible guilt you should be feeling
02:01into better behavior while I'm gone.
02:06I'm sorry.
02:12Oh my god.
02:13I don't think I can keep this up.
02:15It's just a few more days until she leaves.
02:17We can laugh all we want once she's backing out of the driveway.
02:20We're not really hurting the baby, are we?
02:22Please.
02:22A week before you were born, we tied our playpen to the back of her car and followed her to
02:27work.
02:27She's just trying to save face.
02:29She doesn't want to admit that we actually drove her from the house.
02:33And now we're in charge.
02:37Helga, this cheese is magnificent.
02:43Would you like to try just a little bite?
02:46No?
02:47How can you not like cheese?
02:50It is made from something that comes from you.
02:54Hey, Adam.
02:54Oh, Francis.
02:57Have you seen Helga's squeaky toy?
02:59It's the one that looks like a little fire hydrant.
03:02No, but I did get in the new branding iron.
03:05Shh.
03:07Do you want to scare the poor thing out of her wits?
03:10Otto, I know how much you love Helga, but we have to do this.
03:14All the cows have to get branded and dewormed.
03:17I promise I will be very careful.
03:20But don't tell her about it.
03:23You know, she's not as brave as she looks.
03:26I told her one ghost story around the campfire, and she had to sleep between me and Gretchen
03:33for a week.
03:37And I don't give a damn about a greenbacker.
03:41Greenbacker.
03:42Spend it fast as I can.
03:45As fast as I can.
03:46A well-edged song and a good guitar.
03:50The only things that I understand.
03:53For what?
03:54The only things that I understand.
03:56That little elbow move you added, where did you come up with that?
04:08You got me.
04:09I was in the zone.
04:11All right, all right.
04:12Can we get back to work?
04:14What?
04:14That was perfect.
04:15Yeah.
04:16Was it so perfect that you are ready to go up on stage with it at the Elks Club Founders
04:22Dinner?
04:23What?
04:24What did you say?
04:25I've been waiting to tell you.
04:27I got us the gig.
04:29Impossible.
04:30They haven't taken a new act in years.
04:32It's easy to get on the waiting list for a new heart.
04:35I know, but this morning at the gas station, I saw Eddie Eigen.
04:39He came up to me to say hi, and he slipped on an oil stain.
04:42He can't perform.
04:44You're kidding.
04:45I tell you, it's like God backed up that minivan over his ventriloquist hand.
04:51So, Eddie uses my cell phone to counsel with the club.
04:54Two minutes later, I pushed redial and got us the gig.
05:01I cannot believe you don't trust me, Daddy.
05:05I am not seeing Malcolm.
05:07I don't even like him.
05:08I haven't talked to him in over a month.
05:11Nikki's such a good liar.
05:12That's good in a girlfriend, right?
05:19He is such a jerk.
05:20I can't believe he's making us hang out in closets.
05:26Once my mom's gone, we can hang out at my house after school.
05:29Thank God.
05:30I can't get away with anything here.
05:32You were with that girl, weren't you?
05:38No.
05:39I was at the library studying.
05:41You were supposed to pick your brother up at school.
05:44There were rocks.
05:45There was a beehive.
05:47But where were you?
05:49You are not allowed to see that girl.
05:51Her name is Nikki, and I'm not seeing her.
05:55Every time you lie to me, it is like you are digging a tiny little grave.
06:00I am not lying to you.
06:04Hi, Mom.
06:05Hi, Dad.
06:07You know, Mom, you're looking lovely today.
06:11People don't appreciate how lovely you can be in the right light.
06:15I'm always telling kids at school that they're loveliest mother.
06:19I'll put on the coffee.
06:20It's Hanson.
06:22Make decaf.
06:24A day in prison?
06:26We have no choice.
06:28I am not leaving you here with Reese like this.
06:30It just sounds so scary.
06:32That's the point.
06:33You take them to prison, a bunch of criminals scream at them, and they come home good.
06:39Hey, may include a snack.
06:46There you go, Helga.
06:48Almost done.
06:50How's it going?
06:51Just finishing the deworming.
06:53God, these fumes are horrible.
06:56All right, let's get this over with.
06:59Wait a minute.
07:00You didn't brand them first?
07:01No.
07:02Why?
07:02That'd be the main reason.
07:12The founder's dinner.
07:14Three hours from now, we'll be singing on that stage.
07:18Search slot.
07:19You can't be dead.
07:20No, you're dead.
07:21Big time.
07:22Dewey, I have to focus, so I want you to sit and watch quietly right over here.
07:27Why do I have to be here?
07:29Why couldn't I go snowboarding with Reese?
07:31Reese isn't snowboarding.
07:33That was just a lie Mommy and Daddy told.
07:35Reese is in jail.
07:36For how long?
07:37A few hours.
07:38Oh.
07:38Since there was no contraband found on or inside your bodies, I think you're ready to meet
07:46some of the inmates now.
07:51This is Samuel.
07:54I will tell you what he's in here for, but it's against the law for me to say it to minors.
07:59I'll be with you in a minute.
08:10The ankles were a bit unnecessarily tight.
08:22All right.
08:24So we need to get a few of the ground rules straight.
08:26I own you.
08:32You are my property.
08:34And you should know, I don't take very good care of my things.
08:41Stand up.
08:43I said stand up!
08:45Turn around!
08:47All the way!
08:49Faster!
08:53Like a little top.
08:56Sit down!
09:00See how that works?
09:03Because in prison, you got to make your own fun.
09:07And when they toss in punk kids like you and you, it's like Christmas for me!
09:13If you displease me, I will not hesitate to grab you by your pretty little neck to squeeze
09:23till your eyes bulge out of your head and then pop them with a fork!
09:31You think that's funny?
09:38I thought you were trying to be funny.
09:42So I got me a volunteer, huh?
09:45Well, let me tell you a couple of cakes what your first day I've been here gonna be like!
09:50And don't expect no flowers afterwards!
09:59Malcolm!
10:00We have to go!
10:02I'm sorry, Nicky.
10:03I'm gonna help my mom drop off the first load of her stuff at my aunt's house.
10:07There and back is like three hours, but when I get home, I'll sneak over...
10:10Malcolm!
10:13What were you doing in there?
10:15Finishing out my homework.
10:16Charlie's wife goes down to the Scotty Square station every day
10:28At quarter past two
10:30And through the open window she hatched Charlie a sandwich
10:35As the train comes crumbling through
10:38But did he ever return?
10:41No, he never returned
10:43And his fate is still alive
10:46He may ride forever
10:47He may ride forever
10:49Neat the streets of Boston
10:51He's the man
10:52Who never returned
10:54Play that bad Joe Steve-O
10:55Or else he'll never return
11:05No, he'll never return
11:07And his fate is still unlearned
11:10He may ride forever
11:13Neat the streets of Boston
11:15He's the man
11:16Who never returned
11:18He's the man
11:20Who never returned
11:22So, what'd you think, Dewey?
11:30It's cool
11:31It's fun the way you guys move
11:32Yeah
11:33How come you're always in the back?
11:35I'm not always
11:36Well, even if I am
11:41It's not about where anyone is
11:43It's about what's best for the group
11:44Okay
11:45Why is it best for the group to put you in the back?
11:55So, a three-hour drive
11:57Should be nice
11:59Uh-huh
11:59We don't get to be alone that often anymore
12:02Just the two of us
12:03And I've been wanting to talk to you
12:05What are we going to talk about for three hours?
12:10Sex
12:10Mom, don't do this
12:24Now, look, in a few days
12:26I'm going to be gone for a very long time
12:28And I need to know that you're okay
12:29We are going to have this talk
12:32I know about you and Nikki
12:34I'm not seeing Nikki
12:36I'm not having sex
12:38I know about protection
12:39I know all that stuff
12:41Malcolm, there's a lot more
12:42To being a sexually responsible person
12:44Than what they teach you in health class
12:46It's very different
12:47When you're experiencing it yourself
12:49Mom, stop
12:50I'll do anything you ask
12:53Just don't have this conversation
12:55Oh, honey
12:56It's going to happen
12:57No
12:58You think I like it?
13:00You think I like the embarrassment
13:02We're going to be feeling
13:03For the next few hours?
13:04But Malcolm
13:05I have no choice
13:06I cannot be there
13:08When you are having sex
13:09God
13:10So I'm going to try to give you
13:12The benefit of my experience
13:13I'm going to bury you
13:15With every piece of information I have
13:17I don't know what will be helpful
13:19And what won't
13:20So I'm just going to tell you everything
13:22Oh my God
13:24The sooner we start
13:25The sooner it'll be over with
13:27Now
13:27This
13:29Is a diaphragm
13:32Look
13:32Otto keeps asking me where Helga is
13:34And I'm running out of excuses
13:36You've got to tell him what happened
13:37I know
13:38I'm working on it
13:39It's just a cow
13:40A cow that's in his will
13:42Francis
13:43I've got to thank you
13:44For what you did to Helga
13:45My budget is really tight
13:47And getting a couple of extra sides of beef
13:49Really helped me out
13:50And how did you achieve that smoky flavor?
13:55That's great stuff, Arnold
13:56Ray's dad is a week to live
13:58Maybe you can do ten minutes on that
14:00Otto, I have to tell you something
14:04Francis
14:04Have you seen Helga?
14:10No, I haven't
14:11It is not like her to wander off alone
14:14I'm starting to get scared
14:18Mmm
14:20This is delicious
14:22Do you think she ran away
14:26Because she was angry with me?
14:29I don't think so
14:30I should have been there when you branded her
14:33I could have held her little hoof
14:38So tender, so moist
14:44You must try some
14:45Look at me
14:52And showing myself
14:55While my Helga is out there
14:56Alone and scared
14:58That is it
14:59I will go
15:00And I will look for her
15:01And I will find her
15:02If I have to spend all night searching
15:05Otto
15:06If I don't say this right now
15:08I am never going to say it
15:09Yes, go ahead
15:10That's a bonnet suspect
15:13Helga
15:18Helga
15:19Helga
15:20Helga
15:21All that crap
15:24You tough guys be pulling
15:25When this is where
15:26It's got you
15:27This is
15:29Are you paying attention?
15:33Oh
15:35I just realized
15:37You're in prison
15:38You're locked up in here for life
15:40What do I need to be afraid of you for?
15:46Because
15:47The way you've been throwing up
15:49You're likely to end up in here
15:51And when that happens
15:53Oh, wait
15:55You know, Sammy
15:56You might want to have someone
15:57Smuggling some mouthwash and a cake
15:59Let me tell you what happened to the last guy
16:05Who made fun of me
16:06They found just enough of him
16:09To convict me
16:11Ooh
16:12I am so scared of prison boy
16:14What are you going to do?
16:15Stretch out your arm 70 miles
16:18Through the bars to my house?
16:24And if the sperm doesn't take
16:26The uterine wall
16:27Sloughs off cells
16:27Then that's what creates a period
16:29Women can be very emotional at that time
16:31But God help you
16:32If you point it out
16:33Because then you're creating two problems
16:35Meme mamo
16:36Meme mamo
16:37Meme mamo
16:40Meme mamo
16:41I hope I don't get too nervous tonight
16:44Katie bought a new antiperspirant
16:46I don't have much confidence in
16:48No one will even notice if I sweat
16:51Since I'm
16:53In the back the whole time
16:54I'm in the back for every song
16:57You know
16:57And frankly I don't think that's fair
17:00We all agreed on the choreography, Hal
17:03Where's this coming from?
17:05From the back
17:06That's where
17:06You're such a good voice
17:10Why don't you ever sing lead?
17:11I don't know
17:15I was told I sound a little throaty
17:18In my upper register
17:19There's a leader
17:21Well there's no leader
17:24We make all our decisions as a group
17:26I don't remember any group vote on these sweaters
17:29Hey we all agreed on these sweaters
17:31You like these sweaters don't you?
17:34Yes I do
17:35What's he gonna say?
17:36My brother-in-law who's the only reason I'm in the group in the first place
17:39Pick out ugly sweaters?
17:41Excuse me?
17:42Dewey what do you think of these sweaters?
17:44I like them they're funny
17:45Oh see we're gonna look ridiculous tonight
17:48Well it doesn't matter how I look
17:51No one's gonna be able to see me
17:53For heaven's sake
17:55Maybe if you guys worried more about your voices
17:58And less about your sweaters
18:00Oh now you're criticizing my singing?
18:02Please you can't say your name without changing keys
18:06I think Malik sings beautifully
18:08Of course you do
18:09You are tone deaf
18:11Well at least when I dance
18:12It doesn't look like I hooked my butt up to a paint mixer
18:16Oh that's it
18:17You can go up here without me tonight
18:20I won't be here either
18:22Neither will I
18:22Me neither
18:23I don't know why it took so long for the scales to fall from my eyes
18:28And to reveal you as you really are
18:31You saw me now
18:33You saw me now
18:34You saw me now
18:35You saw me now
18:36And believe me it's a lot more sensitive than most men understand
18:42Little bit goes a long way
18:44Elgin
18:45We will never find her
18:48And it's all my fault
18:50No Otto it's not
18:54It's my fault
18:55I have to tell you this
18:57There was an accident
18:59A tragic branding accident
19:02I killed Helga
19:04And I fed her to you
19:05And I couldn't be more sorry
19:07She's gone
19:10She's dead
19:12I don't think she suffered
19:14I'm sorry
19:17I should have told you right from the beginning
19:19But I couldn't
19:20Let me tell you something
19:23You were the only boss I've ever had in my life that I actually liked
19:27And what's weird is
19:28You're the only one I've ever lied to
19:30I just couldn't stand the thought of hurting you
19:34Thank you for telling me the truth
19:39If you want to fire me feel free
19:41Oh no no no
19:42It was an accident I think we should try to put it all behind us
19:50I don't deserve a boss like you
19:54Let us go home
19:56Oh Francis
19:59There is an expression that you use
20:03That I am unfamiliar with
20:05What does it mean when you say
20:08Fedir to you
20:09Okay
20:22Okay
20:24So
20:25On the night I lost my virginity
20:27I learned something very important about relationships and trust
20:31Your body can be telling you to do something
20:34I hope you all appreciate what those men were doing for you
20:37And you might be happy to hear that in part
20:41Because of the fine work Samuel's done with this program
20:44He's getting paroled next week
20:47Hey I don't care if you get out
21:01You'll never figure out how to find me
21:04Jackass
21:09And people they hop from one person to another
21:13Trying to get some sense of validation
21:15They do this all through college
21:17All through their 20s
21:18Having all sorts of casual encounters
21:20And sometimes they even convince themselves
21:23That the relationship is serious
21:25Because the sex is so great
21:27Wait
21:27Stop
21:28What did you mean by validation?
21:32Validating what?
21:33Well
21:34Sometimes people will attract other people
21:36Just to prove to themselves
21:38That they're likable
21:38And if that's the reason
21:40That you're having sex with someone
21:42You can cause a lot of damage
21:44But if you want to have sex with someone
21:46Doesn't that mean you really like them?
21:47Oh no honey
21:49That's exactly the trap people fall into
21:52You see a lot of people
21:54That was cool
22:08How come he doesn't dance as fast as you?
22:16I'm sorry
22:18I'm sorry I said anything before
22:20This is our shot
22:23We can't blow it like this
22:25The whole point of the gentleman college
22:27Was to have fun
22:28And help Belief tone out his drinking
22:30We're friends
22:32I don't even know why we're fighting
22:34Excuse me
22:36It's all in your phone
22:37Ladies and gentlemen
22:38I'd like to introduce an act
22:40We haven't seen before
22:41At the founder's dinner
22:43Oh no
22:44How dare they
22:45Simmer down
22:46Now let's give a warm welcome
22:48To the gentleman callers
22:52Well I for one
23:00Am a gentleman caller
23:02Well thank you
23:07Thank you ladies and gentlemen
23:09The six of us
23:11Couldn't be more honored to be here
23:13And we're going to sing a little song
23:16About brotherhood
23:17And forgiveness
23:18And friendship
23:22Woo! Woo!
23:49Woo!
23:49Woo!
23:49Woo!
23:52Play that banjo, Steve-O.
24:06Yee-haw!
24:08Now all night long, Charlie rides through the station crying,
24:13What will become of me?
24:17How can I afford to see my sister in Chelsea?
24:21Or my cousin?
24:22Or my cousin in Roxbury.
24:25But did he ever return?
24:27No, he never returned.
24:29And his fate is still unlearned.
24:32Hey, let's get the...
24:33He may ride forever beneath the streets of Boston.
24:37He's the man who never returned.
24:41He's the man who never returned.
24:44They loved us!
24:55We got more applause than the whistling wind.
24:58We would have everyone over to my house for pizza!
25:00Pizza!
25:01Pizza!
25:01Pizza!
25:02Pizza!
25:03Pizza!
25:04How come you always go to his house?
25:09Sometimes after a fight, you feel closer than you feel when you're getting along.
25:13Can I ask you something else?
25:16Sure.
25:18Well, sometimes when I'm with Nikki, I have this feeling that she wants to be doing something else, but I don't know what it is.
25:24Then I try to guess.
25:25Oh, that's never good.
25:27Yeah, suddenly it's like I did something wrong, but I was just trying to help.
25:30I mean, what am I supposed to do?
25:31Just sit there and say...
25:57You can't help.
26:14I think you couldn't.
26:15You can't help.
26:16Maybe you could.
26:17Bye.
26:19Bye.
26:20Bye.
26:21Bye.
26:21Bye.
26:22Bye.
26:22Bye.