Malcolm In The Middle Season 5 Episode 7 Christmas Trees
Category
📺
TVTranscript
00:00Ten presents.
00:01Yeah?
00:02Why are there eleven packages?
00:08Oh, my God.
00:20We would have figured it out before we mailed it, right?
00:23Yeah.
00:24Yeah, absolutely.
00:26Yes, no, maybe.
00:31I don't know.
00:34Can you repeat the question?
00:38You're not the boss of me now.
00:41You're not the boss of me now.
00:43You're not the boss of me now.
00:46And you're not so big.
00:49You're not the boss of me now.
00:52You're not the boss of me now.
00:55You're not the boss of me now.
00:57And you're not so big.
01:00Life is unfair.
01:03Don't move.
01:05Ow!
01:06Did you get it?
01:07Get what?
01:08It's three weeks till Christmas, and Reese is holding off hitting Dewey till after the holidays.
01:15Well, guess what?
01:16I got two weeks forced vacation without pay.
01:18Thanks to the company's trouble with the government.
01:19Thanks to the company's trouble with the government.
01:20They sent everybody home till the new year.
01:21We think it's just so the board members can shred documents in peace.
01:25Two weeks without pay?
01:26At Christmas?
01:27That means no presents.
01:28December 2nd.
01:29Refused to eat Booger Sandwich.
01:31I got two weeks without pay.
01:33That means no presents.
01:34December 2nd.
01:35Refused to eat Booger Sandwich.
01:36I got two weeks forced vacation without pay.
01:37I got two weeks forced vacation without pay.
01:38I got two weeks forced vacation without pay.
01:39What?
01:40Thanks to the company's trouble with the government.
01:41They sent everybody home till the new year.
01:43We think it's just so the board members can shred documents in peace.
01:46Two weeks without pay?
01:49At Christmas?
01:50That means no presents.
01:53December 2nd.
01:55Refused to eat Booger Sandwich.
01:58I know this is coming at a bad time, but I think I have a plan that'll make us enough money to get us through this.
02:05I'm gonna sell Christmas trees.
02:08What?
02:09In college, I sold Christmas trees every December with my roommate, Victor.
02:13I thought he sold illegal cable boxes.
02:16To pay for the Christmas trees.
02:19We made a killing!
02:21Look, I've already talked to a supplier.
02:24We have enough to buy 130 trees at 15 bucks a piece.
02:28Oh, and Ed from the office is letting me use his vacant lot for free.
02:32Really?
02:33If we sell them at 6 bucks a foot, that's an average of $45 a tree.
02:38Lois, we can net over $2,600.
02:42Well, if you think it'll work.
02:44Hey, Reese and I have some money saved up.
02:46If we go on this, we can get 200 trees.
02:49We'll make $4,000.
02:51You'd put your own money in?
02:53Sure.
02:54I was gonna invest mine with this Nigerian general who's been sending me emails.
02:58But hey, this is family.
03:01Really?
03:02You boys would actually go into business with your old man?
03:09I never dreamed anything like this would be possible.
03:12Dad.
03:13When I was a kid, I begged my dad to go into business with me a bunch of times.
03:19But he never answered the intercom.
03:22And now you boys want to go into business with me.
03:26It'll be like a Korean grocery store.
03:32You know, Dewey, you've got $20 in your piggy bank.
03:39I think they've got it covered, Mom.
03:42Alright.
03:43I'm in.
03:45It's gonna be weird not being with our families on Christmas.
03:57I know.
03:58It feels great.
04:00It's like all the ugliness and turmoil you always associate with Christmas is gone.
04:06My family!
04:07They are finally here!
04:09All the way from Stuttgart!
04:11Don't pack your heavy clothes.
04:14It's not cold in the desert.
04:16I'm freezing off my ass!
04:18Stop whining.
04:19I already have two children.
04:21I don't need a third.
04:22Oh, come on, you two.
04:24You are here now.
04:25Just enjoy.
04:26Oh, I forgot.
04:28Everything has to be perfect, me Gretchen.
04:32Don't you raise your voice to Gretchen.
04:35Anyone who is not an alcoholic, you're accused of being a perfectionist.
04:41Come on!
04:42No!
04:43I've got these guys!
04:44I'm gonna do it even now!
04:45No, it's not like me!
04:46No, it's not like me!
04:55Hal and Sons!
04:57That means you too, Jamie.
04:59Jamie I know it's just a crappy wooden sign boys I want you to know that this is the greatest day
05:12of my life I'm so happy and proud of each and every one of you and I just want to make sure
05:21that you don't screw this up we will have so many precious memories together as long as you don't
05:32give in to your worst instincts and do something really stupid I just love you so much and I want
05:42to keep loving you dad stop worrying we can do this with what we spend on trees and truck rental
05:50will be in profit once we sell tree 67 then let's just sell that tree first what are those tools for
05:57let me show you these are for setting up the trees so first you use the radial saw to cut an inch off
06:04the bottom of the trunk then you use this nail gun to stick the tree stand again I am so proud of you
06:15boys and I don't want to lose this feeling
06:18I don't know why you won't let me help you with that Lois Craig please I really don't want you to
06:28why not because every time you come in contact with me and my family something horrible happens to you
06:35I can't deal with the guilt anymore I don't know what you're talking about come on if it weren't for
06:41us you'd still have all your teeth you wouldn't flinch every time you saw a ceiling fan your car
06:46it never would have been filled with bees coincidences Craig you broke your foot looking up a phone
06:51number for me please Lois it's Christmas here maybe you can fluff up the cotton on Santa's beard thank you
07:05well I wish I could say I was surprised okay you're all set mister is this tree dead of course not we
07:26made sure we cut a fresh wound in the bottom of your tree so it could suck up water that way your tree
07:33is suspended in the netherworld between life and death just waiting for you to open your presence
07:40how many trees have we sold 15 15 we're not anywhere close to tree 67 I don't get it we're in a good
07:51location we've got great looking trees excuse me how much are your trees six dollars a foot ah
07:58what well st march church around the corner marked their trees down to five dollars a foot but they've
08:05got such long lines I thought I'd try you guys you believe that church trying to undersell us
08:13you don't see us offering mass at half price why don't we lower the price on our trees like down to I
08:20no no no 450 a foot then we averaged 31 dollars a tree and we still net 34 57 we'll be profitable by
08:28hang on tree 91 3 91 3 91 3 91
08:34right this way we've got a really nice
08:48customary to tie the tree to the roof it's customary to tip the guy who tied it
08:58all right that was tree 79 we're very close boys I love all of you but this kid
09:13it's just a tiny bite right he's gonna be okay oh absolutely of course he'll have to get rabies
09:21shots shots five injections right in the belly I had to get him when I was bitten by a skunk a few
09:28years ago when they shoved that first four-inch needle into my stomach I felt like I'd been shot
09:35in the gut by the time they pulled the last needle out I was on the floor clutching a chair leg and
09:43crying like a baby Navy SEALs trained me to deal with pain but nothing like that
09:53well you can always try to catch the squirrel and bring it to animal control if they can confirm it
10:01doesn't have rabies you could avoid the shots no I'll have to take the shots otherwise Lois can't
10:07prove her point Craig listen to me I am making you this vow I am going to find that squirrel and take
10:16it to animal control and prove it doesn't have rabies so you do not have to get those shots
10:21you are not going to suffer ever again for having known me understand you're on my foot oh sorry
10:29you're still at it it's fascinating I've had the same argument a million times with my mom right
10:45now she's gonna say don't take that tone with me and then he's gonna start screaming now the father
10:57figure tries to make peace and he gets his head chopped off this is a good one jumping into someone
11:12else's argument to settle on old score take one step to your left why okay you're getting seven dollars
11:39change right one and two and five I hide the big bills where no one's gonna go after him
11:49I'll help you with that okay that is uh tree 89 boys we are so close I can taste it oh you the guys
11:59trying to muscle in on the blessed church I'm sorry what'd you say we're from St. Mark's around the
12:05corner you're underselling this and we don't like it so it's gonna stop we want you to close down your
12:12lot and leave now during this holy season it's best to give our heavenly savior what he wants it might
12:22interest you to know that you're dealing with a bunch of godless heathens take your ghost story
12:27somewhere else we'll give you 20 minutes to clear out then we take matters into our own hands
12:35what's that supposed to mean don't worry about dad they're priests what are they gonna do just get in
12:47the car and lock the doors fair change mister hey mister come on this look infected to you
12:58excuse me this is my tree I already locked it if you know what I mean what wait no what the hell
13:09do you think you're doing father McCluskey sends his regards what are you talking about he dropped by
13:15the soup kitchen and he suggested we come down here and share the magic cute kid you want some
13:23homemade candy dad everyone's leaving look whatever St. Mark's is giving you we'll double it you can
13:33double eternal salvation yes I can you're funny
13:38don't you sell Christmas trees I used to sell Christmas trees
13:48any luck what do you think no one's gonna let us set up our trees unbelievable you'd think a cemetery
14:06would be up for anything that would lighten the mood hey why don't we just drive around and sell
14:10the trees out of the back of the truck of course we have to factor on the price of gas let's see
14:16six miles a gallon with gas selling at two Malcolm why don't you give the genius thing a rest for a
14:21while you're so close 89 trees just two trees away from being profitable story of my life
14:35no matter what I do no matter how hard I try I'm always two trees away we should just sell them out of
14:47our yard race this is a serious problem would you please just oh my god that wasn't stupid race your
14:59love for your father has focused your mind like a laser give him the hat people there is a squirrel
15:09somewhere in the store he's very agile elusive and possibly rabid but we will catch him we have to
15:18we've got a bad feeling about this Lois it's been too quiet for too long he's planning something yes
15:26well I brought in reinforcements Ethan thanks for helping guys no problem a last job finished early so we had
15:35some time on our hands all right then let's do this thing
15:43our
15:45our
15:47our
15:50our
15:53our
15:56our
15:57our
15:58You people are so great!
16:23I'm sorry I ate all your lunches in the fridge!
16:28You're out there.
16:41I know you're out there.
16:45I know you're out there!
16:59AAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
17:04I'll call him he's headin' for the register!
17:14Don't let him get away! He's over there!
17:18Wait! He's headed for the front door!
17:21Watch out he's got murder in his eyes!
17:24And a cute fluffy tail!
17:29Checkmate, chipmunk!
17:41And three makes ten. Feliz Navidad.
17:46So, at 350 a foot, the profit tree is...
17:49112.
17:51112 is the profit tree!
17:54Say it with me, boys.
17:55112 is the profit tree!
17:59How?
18:01Oh, hey, Phil. Merry Christmas.
18:02What the hell are you doing here?
18:04You don't have a permit to do this.
18:06Get these trees off your yard.
18:08Phil, please.
18:11Look, I know this seems a little unusual,
18:14but I'm in kind of a jam.
18:17I was laid off and out of money.
18:21Come on. It's Christmas.
18:24I don't care.
18:25I hate you, and I always have.
18:27Look, Phil, why don't you take a tree?
18:31On the house.
18:32Here.
18:34You're getting me this?
18:36I'll even flock it if you want.
18:38No, no, that's okay.
18:41So, we have an understanding here.
18:44Yeah, we have an understanding.
18:48You're gonna have to get these trees out of here.
18:50We received a complaint, and you don't have a permit.
18:52And he has too many garbage cans.
18:55That's a finable offense, isn't it?
18:57He can't complain.
18:58I bribed him with a tree.
19:00Sir, you can't have a business in your front yard without a permit.
19:04Officer, we've sunk all our money into this.
19:07We've just got to sell one more tree to break even.
19:11That's all I'm asking.
19:12One tree.
19:14Just let me sell one tree.
19:17Have you got a tree?
19:19Coming through.
19:19I was never at that dog show.
19:26And where would a high school kid get a spear gun anyway?
19:29This is your son?
19:30Uh, well, it depends on what you mean by son.
19:33You got half an hour to get every single one of these trees out of your yard.
19:38But we lost our truck.
19:40We don't have any place to take them.
19:41That's not my problem.
19:42You get them out, or you'll be spending Christmas in a jail cell.
19:49I can't take this.
19:55The yelling, the screaming.
19:57It's making me feel so homesick.
20:01Me too.
20:05My mom used to grab my dad's throat like that.
20:08I disown all of you.
20:12All of you.
20:13I never thought I would feel ashamed of being German.
20:22Huh.
20:23See?
20:24Huh?
20:24They're all gone.
20:26Are you happy now?
20:28Just remember, I'll be patrolling this block every 15 minutes.
20:33Merry Christmas.
20:34Merry Christmas.
20:39Merry Christmas.
20:39I want you to buy me out.
21:05No, Dewey.
21:07This is just a temporary setback.
21:09If you believe that, then buy me out.
21:12It's over, Dad.
21:14Over?
21:15We're only one tree away.
21:17Dad, we can't get the truck back.
21:19We can't use the front lawn.
21:21The cops are watching us.
21:23Face it, we've lost.
21:25So, you're just gonna let a little reality stop you, is that it?
21:31Boys, let me tell you something.
21:34The only way I've managed to get through my crappy life with any shred of self-worth is by living in denial.
21:43If I was gonna let myself get beaten by failure, I would have quit after one kid.
21:48Dad, you just gotta keep holding out for a miracle.
21:52And if a miracle isn't gonna come at Christmas, then when is it gonna come?
21:59See?
22:00There it is!
22:02Our Christmas miracle!
22:04I knew it!
22:05My kid found this cat.
22:14Is it yours?
22:15No.
22:16Would you like to buy a Christmas tree for $10?
22:18No, we already have a tree.
22:21You gotta help me out.
22:22I just yanked my boys back from the brink of despair and convinced them that life was worth living.
22:28If you walk away without handing me $10, then their futures aren't worth a damn.
22:33Now, I desperately need to teach them the value of perseverance, and you can help me.
22:38I don't think I'll...
22:39I'll lick your shoes.
22:41Have you ever actually seen someone do that?
22:44I haven't.
22:45It's gotta be worth $10.
22:47I'll leave them here.
22:48Take the money.
22:49Take it as far as the cyborg.
22:54Bless your doing business with you, sir.
22:57See what happens when you believe, boys.
22:59We are profitable!
23:01Yeah!
23:02Yeah!
23:03Yeah!
23:05Yeah!
23:06I'm just gonna stop and get Dewey's hamster cage.
23:09That squirrel is chewing through the box.
23:11Do they really have to kill him to find out if he has rabies?
23:14Do you want the shots?
23:16Wait for me in heaven.
23:19Oh, my God!
23:25Honey, is that you?
23:27What is going on here?
23:30Good news!
23:31We did it!
23:33We made a profit!
23:34Really?
23:35How much?
23:36You know, numbers aren't important.
23:39A profit is a profit.
23:41Hey, look!
23:42A squirrel!
23:43What?
23:44There he goes!
23:52Squirrel!
23:53Go on!
23:55Craig!
23:56We will catch him!
24:00All right, here's the deal.
24:02This time, it's $10 each and one item from the medicine cabinet.
24:07It's gonna be tricky, fellas.
24:08We're on his turf now.
24:17Thanks for spending Christmas with my relatives.
24:20And next year, we'll do my family.
24:22Marriage is all about compromise.
24:24You think this house is a pigsty?
24:27There!
24:28Now it's a pigsty!
24:29Oh, you're real brave, but I don't have my legs scrapped on!
24:33They're having all the fun.
24:34We should get in there.
24:35Let's do it.
24:38You know, I feel bad for Gretchen and Otto.
24:40I hope I didn't make things worse.
24:43Thank you for taking us in.
24:45It is nice being with the family that gets along.
24:49Hey, boy, you guys really go nuts with Christmas.
24:54It's even Christmas in the bathroom!
24:58As Christmases go, this one was pretty good.
25:02Nothing on fire, no arrests.
25:04And hell, we've made a profit.