Malcolm In The Middle Season 5 Episode 13 Lois's Sister
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00:00Hal?
00:01I know, I know.
00:02He's filthy.
00:03I decided to let him out to crawl around in the dirt for a little while.
00:06He had so much fun rolling around with the other kids.
00:09Lois, you should have seen him.
00:10Hal?
00:11Lois, you can't treat the boy like he's made of glass.
00:14He'll be fine.
00:15We can clean him up.
00:16The important thing is that Jamie and I had fun together.
00:20This isn't Jamie.
00:26Huh.
00:27I know exactly who I switched him with.
00:31Hi, there.
00:44Boys, Aunt Susan will be here any minute.
00:46I thought I told you to clean up the kitchen.
00:48You heard your mother.
00:50Do it again.
00:51No, no, no.
00:53Wait.
00:54No one's cleaning up.
00:55If Susan can't accept how we live, she can just get back on her high horse and ride off to that sterile tomb she calls a home.
01:04Why is Mom always so weird about Aunt Susan?
01:07Dad used to be Aunt Susan's boyfriend.
01:10Until Mom stole him.
01:12But we don't know anything about it.
01:14We also think Francis is a year younger than he really is.
01:17Got it.
01:18There she is.
01:21Sweet.
01:22She brought the Mustang.
01:23Oh, man.
01:24Well, when you hang on to every penny until it screams bloody murder, you can afford nice things.
01:30I wish your father and I were better about that instead of frittering our money away on all the little extras for you boys.
01:39Susan!
01:40I'm so happy to see you and I don't want you to worry about your last phone call.
01:45I've completely forgiven you.
01:47It's good to see you too.
01:49I guess the drive took a little longer than expected.
01:52Well, lunch will taste fine cold.
01:54Hello.
01:55Hi, Susan.
01:56Listen to the deep voices.
01:58Unbelievable.
01:59Lois, they're almost grown and you're still popping them out.
02:03And this must be Jamie.
02:06Hello, sweetie.
02:07Hello, cutie pie.
02:09Hi, Susan.
02:10How?
02:11Look at you.
02:12You're such a cutie pie.
02:15Uh, boys, why don't you go get Aunt Susan's bags out of her fancy car?
02:20That car is outrageous.
02:22Well, sometimes you just have to treat yourself.
02:25Oh, and I brought a gift for Jamie.
02:28Whoa!
02:29Susan, thank you.
02:31After six months of shopping, this must be quite a card.
02:34Well, it's not the card.
02:35It's what's inside.
02:36It's a $5,000 savings bond.
02:42Well, I don't know what to say.
02:44It's going to mature right around the time he's ready to go off to college.
02:47Someone should be thinking of that.
02:54Okay, girls.
02:55This is the wildest, most remote area on the entire ranch.
03:00Think we can handle a whole weekend out here?
03:03Brittany and Ashley want to marry you.
03:06No.
03:07No, you can't do that.
03:09George!
03:10George!
03:11I'm sorry, we have to go back.
03:16My ex-husband is trying to have my frozen eggs fertilized by his boyfriend.
03:21Come on, girls.
03:22Girls, buttercups are brave in the face of disappointment.
03:34You know what?
03:36You take the van back.
03:37I'll watch the girls.
03:38Are you sure you can handle it?
03:40Absolutely.
03:41This is my backyard.
03:42Besides, look at all those merit badges.
03:45Yes!
03:46We can!
03:47We can!
03:48We can!
03:49Well, they have been looking forward to this for so long.
03:51We'll be fine.
03:56Where are we?
03:57I don't know, sweetie.
03:59Mr. Mountain Line didn't give me enough time to grab my compass.
04:02I'm hungry.
04:04Yeah, well, I'm gonna refer you back to the Mountain Line thing.
04:07Where are we gonna sleep?
04:09Girls, please!
04:11We have water, we'll find shelter, and I know the land.
04:15There's food all around us.
04:18Look!
04:19Those are edible fungi called truffles.
04:21Those are deer turrets.
04:24Okay, well, we're all gonna learn a lot this weekend.
04:29Oh, that pasta was fabulous, Reese.
04:34Mm-hmm.
04:35How's Larry?
04:36He won't stop fighting with Mom.
04:37The other day, she barged in on him when he was in the bathtub.
04:40So he stood up, yanged off her wig, and dried himself with it very thoroughly.
04:46Now Larry's a keeper.
04:49Yeah, it's so great.
04:50He's not a backstabbing weasel.
04:53A weasel is a horrible animal.
04:57Susan, I've been thinking about the gift you gave Jamie.
05:01I know, Lois, and you don't have to worry about it.
05:04I brought gifts for the other boys, too.
05:07Yes, sitting here looking interested finally pays off.
05:11No, Susan, that's not what I meant.
05:13I'm uncomfortable with the amount.
05:15It's awfully extravagant.
05:17Oh, you think everything's extravagant.
05:19Now I know how much little Dewey likes candy.
05:23So I got him a professional cotton candy machine.
05:34Susan, what are you doing?
05:35We don't own a circus.
05:37Well, now you can feel like you do.
05:40Now I'm sorry, but you two boys are going to have to share a gift.
05:44I'm giving you the Mustang.
05:47Oh my God, you're kidding.
05:50I never believed anything Mom said about you.
05:52Susan, you can't give them a car.
05:55Mom, technically this is a transaction between Aunt Susan and us.
05:58And I'm willing to hire a lawyer to enforce it.
06:01You want to go there, I'll go there.
06:03You know, Lois, usually when someone gives gifts, people say thank you.
06:09Well, I'm sorry this sudden generosity coming from you is a little baffling.
06:16Oh, I'm sorry that the concept of opening your heart and giving is so baffling to you.
06:23I don't know.
06:24Some people might not think of it as giving.
06:26Some people might think of it as just showing off.
06:29Oh, here we go.
06:31We're only three hours in and we've already received our first visit from the Queen Bee of Moral Superiority.
06:36Oh, and here's the victim right on schedule.
06:40I became the victim on my prom night.
06:43When I walked into the garage and caught my boyfriend having sex with my sister on the hood of my car.
06:55Where do I look?
06:57There's nowhere to look.
06:59Dad, please, you don't have to do this.
07:06We love this car.
07:08We promise we won't try to drive it until you say we can.
07:11You think your mom and I were born yesterday?
07:14How can you do this?
07:20Boys, please, I know this is hard for you to understand, but you're just going to have to realize that your mom and Susan are crazy.
07:27The sooner you learn to accept that, the better.
07:35Okay, girls.
07:36We got a nice cozy cave to sleep in.
07:38A big roaring fire.
07:40I'd say things are looking up.
07:41That isn't enough firewood.
07:43You have to keep the fire going all night to keep animals away.
07:47Okay, Megan, Kirsten, go get more firewood and make sure it's not this dumb green stuff Francis got.
07:58Whoa, whoa, you girls aren't going anywhere.
08:00It's dark out there.
08:01I'm in charge here and I'm telling you to stay.
08:04I vote Britney to be our new leader.
08:08All in favor?
08:09Aye.
08:11I accept.
08:12Now you guys get the firewood and you guys move the blankets to the dry part of the cave.
08:17What are you doing?
08:18You can't change the leader.
08:20We voted.
08:21It doesn't matter.
08:23Now I'm the grown-ups that puts me in charge.
08:26All you girls, you sit down because no one's going anywhere.
08:32We are the buttercups.
08:35We're true blue.
08:37We stick together just like blue.
08:42We never doubt what we can do.
08:47We're honest through and through.
08:56I'm in charge.
09:04I'm in charge.
09:07This is torture.
09:08The car's just sitting there and no one can drive it.
09:11Yeah.
09:12It's like that hot nun who comes around every year for toy drive.
09:17You know what?
09:18We're not going to let mom and dad get away with this.
09:21Forget it, Reese.
09:23Your bolt cutters can't handle that lock.
09:25And dad's bolt cutters are in the garage.
09:28It doesn't matter.
09:29You don't understand the power of my brain, Malcolm.
09:32It's like a deep ravine that sits in total darkness.
09:36But once in a while, just for a moment, a brilliant shaft of light shines directly down into it.
09:44And that is the moment I will think of a genius plan that will get us into that Mustang.
09:50So the only way for us to get out of this situation is dependent on you being a genius?
09:56Correct.
09:57Is that correct?
10:01We've got memang of that.
10:03That is good.
10:06So just give me some help to the Gob Pin to death.
10:07And now we will prevent you from getting all the new people engaged into the questaz faculty,
10:08depending on how you should find music,
10:10and how you need to extract the newsels rath.
10:11Everything in my life has led up to this moment.
10:33So, where's Susan?
10:35She said she was out shopping.
10:37But I wouldn't be surprised if she was out right now renting herself a car, so we'd have
10:41to accept her Mustang.
10:43She's fully capable of that.
10:45You know, honey, you may want to ... Okay, never mind.
10:50Can you believe it?
10:53Classical music.
10:54How pretentious is that?
10:55Well, we're just gonna ignore it.
10:57I'm sure she has voicemail, so we'll just ...
11:00Hello?
11:01Hi, Susan.
11:02This is Dr. Dumont.
11:03This isn't Susan.
11:04This is her sister.
11:05Excuse me?
11:06This is her sister, Lois.
11:08We just sound a lot alike.
11:09You're Susan's sister?
11:11Yes.
11:12Her birth sister?
11:14Yes.
11:15What's the problem?
11:17The problem is you should have been in here six months ago for a blood test.
11:22Why?
11:23What's going on here?
11:24What's wrong with Susan?
11:26Your sister has end-stage renal disease.
11:29If she doesn't get a donor kidney soon, she's going to die.
11:34And she told me she was an only child.
11:38No!
11:42Good news, girls.
11:43Good news girls, it took me all day but I caught two delicious looking lizards and the back half
12:01of what I'm pretty sure is a gopher. Megan and Ashley built a trap and caught some rabbits.
12:07What's in the pot? We found some roots and grasses to make soup with and we're not
12:13putting in your gross lizards. You can't eat that soup. There's no way to know if what you
12:20gather is safe to eat. But we only picked things we saw the bunnies eating. I'm sorry
12:26it's too risky. What are you doing? I'm going to dump out the soup. No you're not, it's our soup.
12:33Okay, we've played this game long enough. I am in charge. I am an adult. And I also happen to be
12:43much bigger and stronger than you girls. So this is the way you want to play this, that's fine.
12:48You are on thin ice girls. One more stone like this and I won't be responsible. I am serious.
13:02Look at you now. You're a sleeping sailor. He can try on the rest of his new outfits later.
13:12You know, I really miss the boat not having kids. I gotta admit, I envy you.
13:21Is that why you're not taking my kidney?
13:24What?
13:25Your cell phone rang this morning. I answered it. It was your doctor, Susan. He told me everything.
13:32How could you tell him that I don't exist? How can you not even ask me for a kidney when I'm
13:39probably a perfect match? What kind of weird psychological issues are making you do this?
13:45Who gave you the right to answer my cell phone?
13:49What is wrong with you? If I give you one of my kidneys, you can live.
13:55Well, that's the moment we've all been waiting for, isn't it? The almighty Lois now has the power to grant me
14:02life.
14:03Don't mind me not staying, just getting an innocent child out of the line of fire. Enjoy your chat. See, we're already gone. Bye.
14:08Why do you always twist around everything I say to make it seem like I'm attacking you?
14:13Why do you always say always? Don't you have any idea how stupid that makes you sound?
14:17Don't change the subject!
14:19My God, this is the apple turnover all over again.
14:22Don't you dare bring up the apple turnover!
14:29Oh, screw it.
14:30I've had 15 years of therapy. I'm better than this.
14:34I'm talking to you!
14:36I am not your puppet!
14:37I am not your puppet!
14:47What?
14:48I know what I did wrong, hell. I let her get away too easily.
14:53Well, I didn't think anything was going to be solved once you got into who your goldfish like better.
15:00You're right. Arguing with her accomplishes nothing.
15:04That's why I'm going to have a judge declare her mentally incompetent.
15:08That's never going to work, Lois.
15:10Are you kidding?
15:12Any psychiatrist spends five minutes with her would say that she's crazy.
15:16Lois, don't take this the wrong way, but when the two of you get together, you don't exactly have the high ground on crazy.
15:23Well, what am I supposed to do, hell? Just sit back and watch her die?
15:27I don't know what to do either, but Susan is an adult. You can't force someone to take a kidney.
15:37Come on.
16:00Thanks.
16:05What do you think you're doing?
16:07Savoring the greatest achievement of a life that so far has had some pretty mixed results.
16:13Get in.
16:15What exactly do you think you're going to accomplish in a car with no engine?
16:19There's a kegger down at the field. They've been without us long enough.
16:23Rhys, you're insane.
16:28Yeah, you can make an argument for that.
16:43Hello, 24-hour party people.
16:46Rhys, you mourn. I can't believe you think you're going to get away with it.
16:49Cool car.
16:5165 Mustang.
17:01Megan?
17:03Megan?
17:04Huh?
17:05Shh.
17:07I have something very important to tell you.
17:10What?
17:11Brittany told me that Donnie Frost said that he likes you, but she won't tell you because she thinks you're stuck up.
17:19No way.
17:20And also, she said those shoes she said were cute on you, aren't cute on you at all. They're actually dorky.
17:28Why would she say such mean things?
17:31I think it's because she's a two-face. But that's not important. What is important is that a girl like that should not be the leader.
17:39You should be the leader. You're more honest than she is and prettier.
17:44Me?
17:45Me?
17:46The leader?
17:47Totally.
17:48Together we can make this the best buttercup troop ever.
17:52All I need you to do is untie my hands.
17:53Okay.
17:54You are not going to regret this.
17:55Buttercups are always loyal. Think about that while you're sleeping outside.
18:00Yeah, driving's cool. I do all my thinking when I drive. Of course, sometimes I drive and I don't think. I just drive. But no matter where I drive or how much I drive, I find that people are still people.
18:10That is so true! Thanks for letting me wear your jacket.
18:16Sure. Let me ask you something. Do you remember last week at Hawkeye?
18:32Yeah.
18:34You showed me a long story, and I get dressed just like a long time ago.
18:38you something do you remember last week when I said hello to you and you said
18:42look what's trying to talk to me so are you nicer to me now because you realize
18:48we have more in common than you thought or because you find our differences
18:52intriguing or because now I have a car probably the car cool sometimes I love
19:01high school hey why don't we drive somewhere so we can have a little
19:05privacy I don't see why we have to drive anywhere it's a beautiful night I'm with
19:14a beautiful girl there's some beautiful bushes over there I'll get some blankets
19:22come on Olivia you are a god a god of a special universe where no one thinks of
19:35consequences and where those of us constrained by intelligence and common
19:40sense are not allowed but you have invited me in and from now on I will follow you
19:47anywhere hey hey hey this cop course up at the top of the hill everybody get out
19:52of here
20:03move your damn car huh I think the batteries dead
20:17I'm glad the cops are coming I want names I'm getting worried they're
20:31supposed to be here by now
20:34oh my god Francis are you all right what happened to you
20:54nothing it was great it's my turn to be dragged
21:02Dr. DeMond Susan what a great day yeah dialysis what fun too bad I left my party
21:15hat at home what are you talking about we're not doing dialysis today you're
21:19getting your kidney today what Susan we talked about this on the phone four days
21:25ago you agreed to do the procedure today your sister is all my sister
21:30you're not allowed out of post-op yet post-op yeah turns out I was a perfect match my kidneys in a cooler down the hall you
21:43can either accept it or throw it in the trash oh boy this is not gonna look good in
21:50front of the board are you insane you had your kidney taken out after I told you no
21:56Susan hi look I know you don't care what I think but I have to let you know
22:01that I am so happy that you agreed to do this oh I didn't agree to anything my
22:07treacherous sister has concocted a gigantic tissue of lies to trap me but it's not
22:13gonna work what okay for future reference this is the crazy thing I was talking about I cannot
22:23believe you would be so spiteful as to let yourself die after what I have done for you
22:29what you have done for me I am so sick of this you know you actually have me looking forward to the
22:37afterlife good luck dad's there Susan please just take the kidney I don't want to lose you okay you
22:45know what can you do me a big favor and just stop pretending like you care about me Susan I love you
22:53oh please you never loved me
22:56you see the scar when I was six and you were four dad said we didn't get dessert because we were bad and
23:11you dumped his pudding on his head and said yeah well neither do you and I laughed so hard I fell and
23:18hit my head on the corner of the coffee table say those four freckles on your left ankle we used
23:24to play connect the dots and I drew a bunny and you named it footy and this hole in my ears from
23:32when you get dead's tackle box and you pierced my ears for me because I was too chicken to do it
23:37and that cap and your tooth is from when Sydney Bauer called me a bitch and you beat the crap out of her
23:44and didn't think I ever knew about it and this is the scar I got from the kidney I gave you because
23:51I love you don't you tell me I don't love you
23:58oh for god's sakes all right give me the damn kidney thank you don't get too excited you know you were
24:14always the big one we don't even know if it'll fit
24:17hope you boys don't think you're going anywhere don't worry until everyone who was at that party
24:26dies of old age we have no reason to ever go out hey how you feeling well it's been three days
24:35not so much as a thank you no I meant the incision oh I'm still pretty sore yeah well Susan may not
24:43admit it but she's grateful and if it's any consolation she took the kidney you won hell it was never about
24:51that nobody won
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