Malcolm In The Middle Season 4 Episode 7 Malcolm Holds His Tongue
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00:00Hey, Mom! I've grown an inch!
00:10Stevie, come on. That's ten in a row.
00:12I'm sick... of this.
00:15It's important. I worked my butt off to make the JV team. I gotta stay sharp.
00:20Could you at least try to block it?
00:22Still too easy. Can I put you on a ladder?
00:32Come back, please. I'll find us a ride.
00:35Those concert tickets cost me $40 each.
00:38That's two times forty. Divide that in two and it's $40 a ticket.
00:43But it's not my fault I can't drive us.
00:45You're the one who had his license taken away.
00:48Because my public defender wouldn't even try the insanity defense.
00:53Well, you better think of something because if we can't get there, then we're not going.
01:01Don't ever date anyone smarter than you.
01:04Okay, break's over. Get back to work. You take it out. I want to work on my defense.
01:10And this time, don't just sit there. Try to move the ball around.
01:13My... bad...
01:19I'm sorry. I know I'm being a little crazy.
01:23But for the first time in my life, I'm actually good at something that normal people care about.
01:28Being on the team is the best thing that's ever happened to me and I don't want to screw it up.
01:32All I'm saying is that if we want to win, which I think we do,
01:36it seems to me we should be using an offense that has a remote chance of actually working.
01:41I can't be the only one here who thinks there's something deeply flawed with your game plan.
01:47I think if you thought about it for just a second, you'd realize you need to make some changes.
01:54What the hell is wrong with me?
01:56Why can't I just learn to shut up?
01:58We're... the same.
02:02We speak... before... we think.
02:10Malcolm!
02:12How many times do I have to tell you to hang up your wet towel after you've used it?
02:17Is that so hard?
02:18Because if it is, maybe we should just take your towel away.
02:21And the next time you take a shower, you can run around the backyard until you're dry.
02:25Gee, Mom, wouldn't the front yard be more humiliating?
02:31Sorry.
02:32And I don't want to...
02:34What did you say?
02:35I'm sorry.
02:37Yes.
02:39Well...
02:42I can see you boys are studying, so maybe this isn't the best time to deal with us.
02:48Do you want any sodas or anything?
02:56You're sure you like your birthday present?
02:58Dad, the boots are perfect. They're just what I wanted.
03:01Listen, they were really expensive, so take good care of them, okay?
03:04I will. Don't worry about it.
03:06Thanks again, Dad.
03:10What the hell are you doing?
03:12Piyama, this is an old cowboy trick.
03:14You soak your boots in water, and you don't take them off, even for a minute, until they are completely dry, even if it takes days.
03:23And when you're done, they fit like a glove.
03:26I know it seems drastic, but believe me, I know what I'm doing.
03:30Those are $300 boots you just ruined.
03:33I didn't ruin anything! This is what you're supposed to do!
03:36You're gonna have to trust me on this!
03:41Why do you always talk to me like I'm an idiot?
03:48And everyone but the rabbit lives happily ever after.
03:53And the moral of that fable, son, is that turtles are pathological liars who won't give you their gold.
04:00Got it.
04:06Dad?
04:23Dad?
04:24Dad?
04:25Don't let Lizig.
04:27I...
04:33Yeah.
04:34What's this called?
04:35Quite like watching the gods, return to Olympus!
04:41Oh!
04:42Hello.
04:43Excuse me.
04:44Hey!
04:45What is this called?
04:46We're racewalking.
04:47I've never seen anything like it.
04:50The style, the grace.
04:52Well, it's not all just about looking good.
04:55It's the best low-impact aerobic exercise ever invented,
04:59despite what you hear from all those Tai Chi punks.
05:02Yeah, but how do you do it?
05:04Well, the International Race Walking Federation specifies
05:07you must have one foot on the ground at all times.
05:09One foot?
05:10And your front leg must remain straight
05:12until it's completely under you.
05:14So, something like this?
05:17Hey, I think you got it!
05:19Look at that! Guys, I think we got ourselves a natural!
05:27Look at me! I can walk!
05:32So then what happens is, I'm sitting there eating my lunch
05:34when Carla comes up to me and she's completely furious at me
05:37because Cody dumped her.
05:39I mean, yeah, I'm the one who set them up,
05:41but does that make it my responsibility?
05:43Why are you asking me? I don't even know these people.
05:49I know, I know, I can see her side too,
05:52but she was completely screaming at me.
05:54And now I feel bad because she was crying
05:57and I just kept thinking, did I do something so totally wrong?
06:01I honestly don't care!
06:03My parents are going to be home any minute.
06:05Can we please start making out while we still have time?
06:08Uh-uh.
06:12Oh, Malcolm, thank you so much.
06:15I'm so lucky to have you.
06:16You make me feel so good.
06:18Wow, this is fantastic.
06:21I'm never going to say what's on my mind ever again.
06:23All I have to do is keep my mouth shut,
06:26just not say a word, and let her do all the talking and...
06:29Dad, please, the concert's Saturday night.
06:32I need a ride.
06:33Reese, no!
06:35Your mom has to work and my car is in the shop.
06:38You'll just have to find someone else.
06:40Are my hips even?
06:42Watch my butt while I walk.
06:44Dad, I swear to God, if you don't drive me,
06:47I will leave home forever.
06:49Or I'll never leave.
06:52Whatever's worse.
06:53It's your choice, pal.
06:59I think you're going to like this.
07:01Yeah, yeah, I get it.
07:03I put it in my mouth, your toenail clippings are in it,
07:06I spit it out, and you've got it all on video.
07:09It's been done.
07:10I'm so sorry about that.
07:13But we've both grown up a lot since then.
07:16And I have a proposal I think you might find interesting.
07:20It's still warm.
07:25Now, I know a hip guy like you who keeps up with the current music scene.
07:30It's awfully short notice, and you're probably not even available.
07:35What are you talking about?
07:37There's a concert this Saturday,
07:39and Allison and I were wondering if you'd like to go.
07:43You want me to go to a concert with you?
07:46Yeah, pretty much.
07:48But the real fun part is the drive there and the drive back.
07:52But I don't have to tell you, right?
07:54I mean, look who I'm talking to.
07:56A single, middle-aged guy with a cat.
07:59You know all about the dating scene.
08:02Well, sure, that's my rep, but...
08:04I mean, it's not like you're even excited to go out on a real date.
08:08It's not like it's something that you'd be bragging about for weeks.
08:11Of course not. I mean, who cares?
08:13But if people were to ask, I'm not forbidden to tell them, am I?
08:18Not at all.
08:19This is going to be great.
08:21And you say I can tell people, right?
08:23Hello, everybody!
08:28It's a natural!
08:30I have to tell you, Hal,
08:32I've never seen anybody take to the sport as fast as you.
08:35What's it been? Three days?
08:37Already you're better than I am.
08:38No, no, it's not about the competition.
08:41I mean, it's not a race, right?
08:43Whoa!
08:45It's only a matter of time till we're surrounded.
08:50Now, we've got to get word to Allied Command,
08:52but any radio messages will be intercepted.
08:54You think I don't know that?
08:56I've sent for our secret weapon.
08:59You called for me, sir?
09:01Corporal.
09:02I'm not a race, right?
09:04What a race, right?
09:06Whoa!
09:07It's only a matter of time till we're surrounded.
09:09Now, we've got to get word to Allied Command,
09:11but any radio messages will be intercepted.
09:12Corporal, I don't need to tell you
09:14the fate of the entire free world
09:16depends on you delivering this message
09:19to Allied Command by warning.
09:21My God, that's 60 miles away!
09:24I'll say hello to the boys at HQ for you
09:27over waffles, sir.
09:35Let's just thank God he's on our side.
09:38Oh my God, it's Wheeler.
09:43Oh, no.
09:45We must be back from the Nationals.
09:56On your left!
09:58On your right!
10:01On your left!
10:03On your right!
10:04On your right!
10:05On your right!
10:06On your right!
10:07Whoo!
10:17Okay, just be cool.
10:19No matter what he says, don't say anything.
10:21anything. How much simpler can it get? You pass, pass, pass, dribble, dribble, pass, dribble, pass,
10:28shoot! Um, excuse me, coach. Well, well, well. Look who's here. Coach, I'd like to apologize for the
10:39other day. I'd like to get back on the team. So you'd like to apologize and get back on the team?
10:46I think I just said that. Yes. Do you know what this is? A symbol of my authority. They don't just hand
10:59these whistles out to just anybody. It means that I'm in charge. I call the plays. Understood?
11:07Yeah. It's a magic whistle that makes you all-powerful. All right. You're back on the team.
11:17Time! 25 minutes and 43.2 seconds. Damn! Are you sure you started it exactly when I called you from
11:37work? Yes. Do you want me to lie to you? All right. Go ahead and log in the time sign. Hey, look, Malcolm,
11:43come here. I need you to help me make sense of all these times. Now, look, these are the last three
11:47days. Some of these are with the cap, some without. Some with bike shorts, some without. One with both,
11:54one in just my pajamas. So you can whip up some kind of scientific analysis of all of this, right?
11:59Sure. I've got nothing better to do with the rest of my life.
12:04Okay. You are a good son. By the way, how much allowance are we giving you?
12:11What family do you live in? Nothing. Why? Well, that's five bucks a week, Sam. Great. Hey!
12:21Dewey, he's older and he doesn't give me as much malarkey when I ask him for a favor.
12:27Are you biting your nails again? Those look horrible. No, they're fine.
12:32Look, I've only got two minutes. A woman thinks I'm looking in the stock room for a humidifier.
12:42Now, I want you to listen to this tape and tell me whether you think it's better to go
12:46ELO Kansas Doobies or Doobies Kansas ELO. I'm not telling you which one I'm voting for.
12:52What are you talking about?
12:53The mix tape for our date. Didn't you get my emails or phone messages or the notes I left under your door?
13:00You know, I have a lot of homework to do during the week and I can't really spend...
13:05Look, just listen to it tonight and get back to me with your top four choices.
13:10Now, what do you think for a shirt? I like the blue, but I'm worried the open collar look is a bit racy.
13:16You don't have any pants on.
13:18That's what these are for. I want you to pick your favorites separately, then we'll decide what goes together.
13:24Whatever.
13:25I am going to call you a million times before Saturday. I haven't been this excited in years.
13:35Now I know why people look forward to weekends.
13:37It's really nice.
13:44Put the pedal to the metal and I'm warm.
13:49Put the pedal to the metal and I'm warm.
13:56Put the pedal to the metal and I'm warm.
14:00Let's go.
14:30To the middle of aコーン
14:32Oh my tail
14:35To the middle of aコーン
14:47When they say it's over
14:50Son of a mother
14:51moms watch
14:53Shou shou shou
14:56Oh, please.
15:26You know, you're not finished until you put those away and wipe down the counters.
15:31Why don't I buff the floor and lick your shoes while I'm at it?
15:35Yes, ma'am.
15:39Look at me. Are you on drugs?
15:42What?
15:43You've been acting really strange lately, and I want to know what's going on.
15:47Well, apparently no one in this house can tolerate it when someone's actually being pleasant.
15:53Nothing.
15:54Nothing? So everything's fine, everything's normal, you're not acting any different, and I'm just crazy.
16:00She's begging for it! Nail her!
16:03I'm fine, really.
16:06Well, boy, you're looking a little tired. Why don't you let me finish up?
16:09All right.
16:16Dad, please. It's been three hours.
16:20Come on, Wheeler. Give me something. What's your secret?
16:24You're starting to ruin TV for me.
16:26I study your moves, I copy your techniques, but somehow you continue to blow me out of the water.
16:33Why? How?
16:35Maybe he's just better than you. Have you ever thought of that?
16:41Billy Vargas can spit ten feet further than I can. I accept that. Why can't you?
16:50Oh, Dewey, maybe you're right. Maybe God didn't put me on this earth to beat this guy.
16:55I mean, look at him. Perfect posture, great hip rotation.
17:02Wait a minute.
17:06Both feet off the ground at the same time?
17:10Dewey!
17:12Do you see that?
17:14That's air.
17:15That's air.
17:17That's air!
17:19That's it! I'm gonna go read a book! I hope you're happy!
17:26Now, since Jeanette got the t-shirt from my last 50K, I think it's only fair to give you girls my socks.
17:34Oh, my God!
17:35Sorry to interrupt, Wheeler, but I thought we could have a little race.
17:40Apparently, this man's a lot like you girls.
17:43You all can't get enough of looking at my backside.
17:48This shouldn't take long.
17:50Oh, and just one more thing. This time, just to be different, let's walk.
17:59What are you talking about?
18:00You thought no one would discover your dirty little secret, didn't you?
18:04That clever little flail of the wrist every four steps basking the hop.
18:11You can't fool the tape.
18:12The tape sees all, and I see the tape.
18:15You are not a race walker at all. You're nothing but a common jogger.
18:22That is so re...
18:27Don't worry! It won't get far.
18:29Get off! Get off! Get off! Get off! Get off!
18:33One, two, three, yeah!
18:34Two, three, yeah!
18:36One, two, three, there!
18:37Go!
18:38Let's go.
19:08So then, when I was 13, I got my first velour shirt and everything changed.
19:25Suddenly, there was an opening in the Astronomy Club.
19:29People started sitting on my side of the bus.
19:31But I'm a Libra, so I like to think the best of people.
19:35So, Craig, I was telling Allison how well you focus on your driving.
19:40No, you were just telling me that if I really loved you, I'd let you get under my...
19:44So you guys like to take long walks on the beach?
19:47I sure do.
19:47Plus, I'm a Grand Master at Battleship.
19:51I've got the hat if you'd like to see it.
19:54So, Allie, do you have any brothers or sisters?
19:58What do you think you're doing?
20:00You don't talk to me, you just start kissing?
20:03I am a person, and I deserve some conversation and some of the social niceties before the kissing starts.
20:09You know what? I was okay when he pulled over twice to change his shirt, but I really don't think he should be yelling at me.
20:14Okay, don't freak out. I can handle this. My family kind of owns it.
20:19You know, Craig, another thing girls really like is the strong, silent type.
20:26Craig, Craig, you just passed a concert.
20:28Oh, no, I don't think so.
20:29But there was a sign, and it had an arrow, and we're supposed to follow the pointy end.
20:35Oh, come on. There's other fun things we can do.
20:39I thought we'd start with a hayride, and then a light dinner at Cicero's.
20:43We already took the violinist to drop by our table, for the lady.
20:47Then I thought we'd cap off the evening with a nice, romantic bonfire at the lake.
20:52Craig, you are ruining our date.
20:55Now, listen here. Do you know how long I have dreamed and planned for this night?
21:02Thirty-four years!
21:05And I am not going to let you little brats ruin it!
21:08We are going to have a hayride, a dinner, and a bonfire,
21:13and this is going to be a magical evening that will live in our hearts forever!
21:18What's that on your glasses?
21:20What?
21:20You said she'd be lying to me!
21:29You said she'd like me!
21:33Yeah, let's ditch this loser.
21:36Okay, okay. See you at school.
21:40Well, as you can see, Miss Doubting Piyama,
21:45it may have taken days and days of wearing sopping wet boots,
21:49but they are now snug, supple, and perfectly form-fitting.
21:53You were right, honey.
21:54Which would also make you...
21:57Mistaken.
21:59You know, I could push for a more objective mission of your wrongness,
22:03but I'm going to be a bigger man.
22:06With better boots.
22:07Call me when you get tired of this.
22:10Could be late!
22:10If I hold out for a few days,
22:28maybe the fungus will eat the mushrooms.
22:33How can we be losing to a team
22:35that hasn't won a game in three years?
22:38Maybe because you're a complete moron!
22:41You know I can shoot!
22:42Why won't you put me in?
22:44For God's sake, that's it!
22:46Time out!
22:48All right, everybody up! Come on!
22:50All right, you yo-yos.
22:52Do you want to know why we can't beat this team?
22:55Because you're not letting anyone shoot!
22:58They're just passing the ball back and forth!
23:00Nobody on this team has any heart.
23:03Not a man!
23:05You know when the Allies first hit the beach at Iwo Jima?
23:08They didn't have better weapons than the Germans.
23:11They had something more than firepower.
23:14Have you completely lost your mind?
23:17Put me in!
23:19Let me shoot the ball!
23:22Not one of you has been able to forget
23:26about the water in your boots
23:27or the sand in your mess, kid,
23:29long enough to focus on the success
23:31of the entire unit!
23:33Tell him to shut up and put you in!
23:36Tell him! Tell him!
23:39Malcolm,
23:40do you think you can follow my game plan?
23:43No, because you're a freaking idiot!
23:46I hate you!
23:47I want to kill you and death
23:49on your shallow grave!
23:50That's my game plan!
23:54All right.
23:55Get in there.
23:57Thanks.
23:59Ew.
24:00Dude, that's gross.
24:01I'm not...
24:02I'm not...
24:02A peptic ulcer?
24:05How did you manage to get a peptic ulcer?
24:09The doctor said you have the stomach lining
24:11of a 60-year-old air traffic controller.
24:13You are a teenager, for God's sake.
24:15What do you have to be stressed about?
24:20For your information,
24:23I just spent the past three hours
24:25on a gurney next to a guy
24:26who was still trying to smoke
24:28out of the hole in his neck.
24:29And the jackass I put in this IV
24:31couldn't find a vein
24:32with two hands and a flashlight.
24:35My call button doesn't work.
24:37These stupid sheets are itchy.
24:38There's only one channel on the TV
24:40and what's this about a bedpan?
24:42This is great, isn't it?
24:47Alice is nice, but I have to say
24:49I think it dates better
24:50with just two people.
24:51Can we stop calling this a date?
24:54Well, whatever it is,
24:55I can't wait to see the look
24:56on my neighbor's face
24:58when I come strolling home after 11.
25:00Eat your heart up, Mrs. Clevasol.
25:04I think I just missed my curfew.
25:06There are no curfews
25:07on a night like tonight.
25:13Here I am,
25:16the one that you love,
25:18asking for another day.
25:24Understand,
25:25the one that you love,
25:28loves you in so many ways.
25:37I love you in so many ways.
26:07I love you in so many ways.
26:33Bye.
26:33Bye.
26:34Bye.
26:34Bye.