Malcolm In The Middle Season 4 Episode 14 Hal's Friend
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00:00I found it in the dishwasher.
00:0321 days times 2.99 a day, that's 62.79.
00:07What?
00:08What is it gonna take for you boys to learn some responsibility?
00:12You can't just go through life letting things slide!
00:15Sooner or later, you are gonna learn to...
00:18Is it the 10th already?
00:22Yes, no, maybe
00:24I don't know
00:29Can you repeat the question?
00:33You're not the boss of me now
00:35You're not the boss of me now
00:38You're not the boss of me now
00:41And you're not so big
00:44You're not the boss of me now
00:46You're not the boss of me now
00:49You're not the boss of me now
00:52And you're not so big
00:55Life is unfair.
01:10Mom's been at her sister's house for a month, resting while she's pregnant.
01:14Things were kind of chaotic for a while, but we've settled into a pretty nice rhythm.
01:25Can I use a glass?
01:28No, nothing that requires washing.
01:31Okay, let's clear the table.
01:39Oh, I talked to your mother last night.
01:41She misses you all very much, and she'll be home soon.
01:46How soon?
01:47A few weeks.
01:50Oh, and Reese, she wanted you to sweep the leaves off the garage roof when you get home from school today.
01:55What?
01:56But today's the one day that Allison's parents aren't home to interfere with her homework.
02:02Reese, your mother...
02:03This isn't fair!
02:04Mom can't control us when she's not even here.
02:07Nobody is being controlled by your mother.
02:10For instance, I'm inviting an old friend over tonight, and even though we're never going to tell your mother about it,
02:16it doesn't mean we're being controlled.
02:19To repeat, your mother is never here about this, and you boys are just going to love Larry.
02:24We were inseparable in high school, but seriously, your mother cannot find out he was in this house.
02:31Dad, you're hurting me.
02:34Sorry, sweetheart.
02:36Malcolm?
02:37Stevie?
02:38Hi, Mrs. Hooper.
02:40Do either of you hooligans know where my son Dabney is?
02:43I don't know.
02:44He was excused from Jim.
02:46What is a nervous eyelid anyway?
02:47It's an allergic reaction to either gluten, whey, or air.
02:52I suppose you boys are coming to Dabney's birthday party tonight.
02:56Yeah, sure.
02:57Just a little reminder.
02:59I don't want either of you showing up with any punk hairdos or racy outfits.
03:04What are you doing on the pavement?
03:07Huh?
03:07I told you to walk on the grass.
03:10There's another guy who doesn't let me walk on the grass.
03:13Fine.
03:13You like the pavement so much, kiss it.
03:17Oh, my God.
03:19Dabney, you come away from there.
03:22Did you make eye contact with that big boy?
03:24When you're in danger, you tuck and cower.
03:28I was cowering.
03:29He wouldn't let me tuck.
03:30I'm a little teapot, short, and ow!
03:40Here is my handle, here is my ow!
03:46When I get all steamed up, hear me ow!
03:51Tip me over and pour me ow!
03:56Not it.
03:57Hello?
04:01Hello!
04:02This is a recorded greeting from the Maldisorp Financials.
04:05Hi, Mom!
04:06We're fine.
04:09Okay, I'll ask him.
04:11Mom wants to know if you swept the leaves off the garage.
04:14I'm doing it now.
04:21So Piyama called.
04:22She and Gretchen got to Tucson, okay?
04:23Tucson, the city that never sleeps.
04:28They think they're going to have so much fun, but we will show them, eh?
04:33Just us guys?
04:34What do you want your things, Otto?
04:35Just put them in Francis' room.
04:38What?
04:38Oh, and Gretchen left this for you.
04:40What?
04:41Hold on.
04:42Why is he bringing your things to my room?
04:44Because I'm staying with you this weekend.
04:47I have not slept alone in a bed for 35 years.
04:52You're planning on sleeping in my bed?
04:55With me?
04:56It would be presumptuous of me to ask a guest.
05:01Don't forget to sweep the leaves off my roof because I'm a mean old lady.
05:05Who cares if it's wet and slippery?
05:08The roof has to be clean because I'm stupid.
05:10Not it.
05:12Hello?
05:12Oh, hi, Mom.
05:15I wasn't talking about her.
05:17What do you mean, Mom?
05:18It's me, Francis.
05:19Did you page me?
05:20Yeah, Reese is right here.
05:23I'll tell him, Mom, but does he really have to stay up all night?
05:27Can't he fix my bike tomorrow?
05:30Well, you're right.
05:32Saturday morning is the best time for riding.
05:35Okay, now I get it.
05:37Just go easy on him.
05:38You're a lot smarter than he is.
05:40I gotta go.
05:41This flurry's so cold.
05:49Get me under those warm blankets.
05:56This is sort of weird.
06:01I haven't had a sleepover since I was in the third grade.
06:05I was at Jeffrey Feldman's house and his mom...
06:08Otto, what the hell are you doing?
06:11Oh, I know.
06:12I am a notorious blanket hog.
06:17Yeah, Otto!
06:19Sorry.
06:20Popsicle toes.
06:22Look, I'm starting to cry.
06:36Get this horrible thing out of me!
06:44Can you open presents now?
06:45Yeah, can I?
06:46Oh, okay, but go slow.
06:49We don't want to end up covered in paper cuts, do we?
06:53Boy, this is such a great party.
06:56It's twice the turnout we had last year.
07:04Can I open Grandpa's present first, Mom?
07:06Might as well get that out of the way.
07:09Whoa, the XJ 7,000.
07:18Cool.
07:20What is it?
07:21It's a paintball gun.
07:22It's like the best one you can buy.
07:24I'll take that.
07:25Well, Mom...
07:26When will your thoughtless grandfather learn
07:29these gifts do nothing but overstimulate you
07:32and when the so-called fun ends,
07:34you're left all red and giggly and up until nine.
07:38Well, not this time.
07:39Give it to Mommy.
07:40Mommy.
07:46That's okay.
07:48I wouldn't know how to paint with it anyway.
07:51Why don't you open one of my gifts?
07:56A new hairbrush.
08:01Thanks, Mom.
08:02Want to give it a try?
08:04Sure.
08:07Count down from 100.
08:09You boys can help.
08:11100.
08:1399.
08:1698.
08:1897.
08:23Oh!
08:23Here he is.
08:26Hey, you big jackass!
08:32Just Mrs. Haggerty turning around in our driveway.
08:35So how come Mom won't let you hang out with this Larry guy?
08:38Oh, she thinks he's a bad influence.
08:41You know, Mom, she's always blowing things out in proportion.
08:43Just like at our wedding.
08:45Okay, he missed the ceremony,
08:47but he did show up with these two totally hot...
08:50Oh, that's a bad example.
08:53Oh, there was this time in New Orleans where we...
08:55No, that's no good either.
08:59Oh, here's one.
09:00Our families went to the same church.
09:04You know, your mother, she just makes stuff up.
09:08He's here!
09:10Dewey!
09:10Woo!
09:16Woo-hoo!
09:16Woo-hoo!
09:17Pass complete!
09:18Larry!
09:19Oh, my...
09:20Wow!
09:21Man, you look like crap.
09:23You too, buddy!
09:24Come on in!
09:25Boys, I'd like you to meet Larry Ross.
09:27These are my boys.
09:28This is Reese and Dewey.
09:29Malcolm is at a birthday party.
09:31So, you got custody, huh?
09:33Good for you.
09:35A little word to the wives.
09:36I heard you should talk nice about the ex,
09:39even if she is...
09:39No, no, no, no, no, no.
09:40I mean, I'm still married to Lois.
09:42Oh, really?
09:43Oh, yeah.
09:44Well, that's...
09:45That's great, man.
09:46That's...
09:47That's just great.
09:48You know, there's a little bar down the way that...
09:50Oh, no, she's out of town for a while.
09:53Sweet!
09:54First beer?
09:557-0-4.
09:57One of you kids ought to write that down.
09:58I mean...
09:59Isn't he great?
10:01This is kind of a landmark night for me.
10:09My first psychological trauma not caused by my mother.
10:14But I guess I do owe Otto for everything he's done for me.
10:18I mean, he and Gretchen have just been amazing.
10:23Gretchen.
10:24I wonder what was in that note.
10:26They had to take that tractor apart piece by piece
10:54to get her out of the teacher's lounge.
10:56But you never gave me a...
10:58What happened?
11:04I mean, look at me.
11:06Middle-aged, lousy job, dumpy little house
11:09that can't hold the kids I have,
11:11and another one on the way.
11:12Don't get down on yourself, man.
11:15The only reason you're a failure
11:16is because society hates free spirits like you and me.
11:20It's the price we pay for being in the vanguard.
11:22Do you remember the way Dawkins screwed us over?
11:26Who?
11:27Dawkins.
11:28Our boss back at Carmelo's.
11:30You remember senior year, Labor Day weekend?
11:33The kitchen flooded.
11:34We spent the whole weekend cleaning up,
11:36and then he stiffed us out of 200 bucks.
11:39Wait!
11:39Yeah!
11:40Oh, unbelievable.
11:42200 bucks.
11:43I mean, you take that plus the interest over all these years?
11:47We're rolling.
11:47Oh, if I had that money right now,
11:50I could afford to build a nursery.
11:52Thanks a lot, Dawkins.
11:54You want a nursery, Hal?
11:56We could do it.
11:58Yeah!
11:58I got a contractor's license.
12:01We could add on to your bedroom here,
12:02no problem at all.
12:04What?
12:04You knock out this wall,
12:06you extend out a little bit.
12:07We could do the whole thing for cost.
12:09Yeah, we'll make do.
12:11You're not being fair to the baby, Hal.
12:13I know.
12:14Come on, I is the tiger.
12:16We create our own futures.
12:19Well, you know, you do what you can,
12:23and I mean, we'll be okay as long as...
12:26Oh, my God!
12:31Now you're committed.
12:33Let's get to work.
12:34Larry!
12:34I don't believe you!
12:37I invited you over for a couple of beers,
12:40and you punch a hole in my wall?
12:42This is exactly why I haven't seen you in all these...
12:46That little bat did all that.
12:53This is great!
12:55Way to Lois sees this!
12:57Dad?
13:10I don't know what he did last night,
13:12but there's no hot water,
13:13and the toilet's full of sawdust.
13:16Dewey, if Dad wakes up by dinner,
13:18tell him I'm at Dabney's.
13:19Okay!
13:20Good afternoon.
13:21The current time is...
13:22Yeah, Mom.
13:23My bed's going in the sunny spot,
13:25and Reese's bed is going in the closet
13:27like you wanted.
13:29This is ridiculous!
13:31We're never gonna make that movie!
13:32I'm moving as fast as I can, okay?
13:35He's doing a really good job, Mom.
13:37You may want to give him a break.
13:40Thanks, Dewey.
13:40You're a good brother.
13:42She said no.
13:44Don't you think it's a little strange
13:46that your mom keeps calling
13:47just so you can do Dewey's homework
13:50and fix Dewey's bike
13:52and move Dewey's furniture around?
13:54What are you trying to say?
13:56It's obvious, isn't it?
13:57She wants you to do stuff for Dewey.
14:00Hey, if you want to talk to her about it...
14:02As a matter of fact, I do.
14:06Hello?
14:07Yes, good afternoon to you two.
14:10Well, thank you,
14:11but I really don't need to know
14:12what time it is.
14:14Wait, listen to me!
14:16Listen to me!
14:18Forget it!
14:18There's no talking to her.
14:20Goodbye.
14:20Okay, good afternoon.
14:23God, she's polite and rude
14:26at the same time.
14:29Ow!
14:31Careful!
14:32Hold still, Mom.
14:33This is a tough area for us.
14:36Daphne, you get that.
14:38I'm going to go hop in the shower.
14:39If that's the Thompsons,
14:40tell them to move their car,
14:42then they'll get their cat back.
14:45Hi, Malcolm.
14:45Where's your mom?
14:46In the shower.
14:47Good.
14:48Then I won't have to put the laxative
14:49in her tape.
14:50We'll have to meet Stevie
14:51at Paintball in an hour.
14:52Malcolm, I can't go.
14:54Mom and I are going to put on
14:55our pajamas and watch videos.
14:57Daphne,
14:58your grandfather got you
14:59this amazing gun
15:00and you have to use it.
15:02Look, Malcolm,
15:03I know you think
15:03I'm a mama's boy.
15:04No!
15:05Mama's boys are laughing
15:06at you with their mothers.
15:08Come on,
15:09I saw the look in your eye
15:10when you opened it.
15:11Admit it.
15:12You're dying to do this.
15:14You just had to break free
15:15from your mom.
15:16Malcolm,
15:17you don't understand.
15:18In exactly 17 minutes,
15:20she's going to open
15:21that shower door
15:22and expect to see me there
15:24with a warm, cozy towel.
15:28All right, let's go.
15:40Oh, my God!
15:54Damn it, Larry!
15:56Okay, think.
15:58Think.
15:59How could I blame this
16:00on the boys?
16:01Good morning, princess!
16:04Larry!
16:06What have we done?
16:08I've actually made
16:09my crappie house
16:11even crappier.
16:13Yeah, we got a hell
16:14of a lot of work to do.
16:15You're damn right we do.
16:16First things first,
16:18we're going to pay
16:18a little visit
16:19on our old friend Dawkins.
16:21What?
16:21Did a little research
16:22last night.
16:24Turns out he lives
16:26in a place
16:26called Carlson Estates.
16:30Estates, man!
16:31Can you believe that?
16:32He's living the life
16:33of luxury.
16:34You don't even have a wall.
16:37We're going to get this guy.
16:38Larry, we...
16:39We have to fix this.
16:41This?
16:41This is nothing.
16:42Two days.
16:43Tops.
16:44You lay your foundation
16:45here.
16:45Zam!
16:46A little electrical.
16:47Zing, zing.
16:48Put it in a bay window.
16:49Vroom!
16:50You're done.
16:51Now let's go get Dawkins.
16:57Okay.
17:00Someone was out
17:01a bit bright and early
17:02this morning.
17:03Yeah, Gretchen
17:04left me a note.
17:06Can't seem to find it anywhere.
17:07I think it may have been
17:09about your violent
17:10night terrors.
17:11What are you talking about?
17:13I don't speak terrified
17:14German, but you must have
17:15been having some
17:16pretty horrific dreams.
17:18That's ridiculous.
17:19I never dream.
17:20What?
17:20I never dream.
17:21I go to sleep.
17:22Eight hours later,
17:23I wake up with a slight,
17:25sore throat,
17:25just like everybody else.
17:27You screamed for hours!
17:29I think it was you
17:31that had the bad dream.
17:33But don't worry,
17:34I know just what to do.
17:35I will give you
17:36a nice, oily massage
17:38before bedtime.
17:40You will sleep
17:41like a baby.
17:46This is gonna be sweet!
17:48Now once we jump
17:49the inner fence,
17:50I'll take care of the dogs.
17:51You take out the cameras.
17:52He lives in a trailer park.
18:05Yeah, awesome trailer park.
18:08Look at that double line there.
18:09You don't got a trailer
18:10like that.
18:11I don't know.
18:12Like commando mode.
18:13Alright, you scale
18:33the side of the trailer.
18:34See if you can get in
18:34up there where the paint's peeling.
18:36What's going on
18:38out there?
18:39Larry?
18:41Al?
18:42Mr. Doc?
18:43Is that you?
18:45What a pleasant surprise!
18:48Come on in!
18:49I just put some tea on.
19:02Stevie, cover me!
19:08I'm so glad
19:09I dragged Abney here.
19:11This is exactly
19:12the kind of thing
19:13he needs.
19:19Aren't I dead by now?
19:22In the game you are.
19:25Abney, just fire back!
19:27Don't fire back!
19:28And don't move.
19:29We're gonna go get more ammo.
19:34Get
19:35up!
19:36You have to shoot!
19:39You have to do this!
19:40Mom was right!
19:42I could be home
19:42watching Dark Victory
19:44right now!
19:45You have to fight back!
19:46Just pull the trigger!
19:48But there could be
19:49adverse consequences!
19:50That is your mother talking!
19:53Just shoot it!
19:54If you want to be
19:55any kind of man,
19:55shoot it now!
19:56Let's do this!
20:08Not a joke!
20:10Get out of town!
20:12Get out of town!
20:16You have to fight for it!
20:18BRUSH YOUR OWN DAMN HAIR!
20:29AHHHHH!
20:35AHHHHH!
20:41GET YOUR OWN DAMN DOWEL!
20:46AHHHHH!
20:48ONE HUNDRED!
20:50NINETY NINE!
20:52NINETY EIGHT!
20:54NINETY SEVEN!
20:56AHHHHH!
20:58AHHHHH!
21:00AHHHHH!
21:02He is great.
21:04I wish I had more to offer you, but the Meals on Wheels van only comes around twice a week now.
21:12Now this is fine.
21:14You've been so nice.
21:18Can I ask you something?
21:20See, Larry and I were talking about old times at the restaurant, and a certain Labor Day weekend came up.
21:26Oh, you mean the time you boys flooded the kitchen?
21:29Huh?
21:30You two were doing chin-ups on the water pipe.
21:34Oh!
21:36Yeah!
21:38We busted it!
21:40Larry, I think he's right!
21:42Mr. Slocum didn't want me to give you your paychecks.
21:46But I snuck them to your dads.
21:48I almost got fired for that, but what's right is right.
21:54Well, that was illuminating.
22:04We now know the face of all evil is a feeble old man in a trailer park who riddles bird feeders.
22:12Well, I hope we both learned something here.
22:16Oh, yeah.
22:18What the hell is wrong with you?
22:24I'm the tiger, hell.
22:25Larry?
22:26Hell?
22:27Are you boys alright?
22:28Yeah, Mom.
22:29You just finished digging that underground fort you wanted.
22:31I think you're gonna have a lot of fun in it.
22:44Give me that.
22:46Honey, don't say anything.
22:47Just listen.
22:48You were right.
22:49You're always right.
22:50From now on, I will do whatever you say because I've been happily ever down to me.
23:00because I have been happier just mindlessly obeying you
23:03than doing what I think I want with any of my so-called friends.
23:06I love you. I miss you.
23:09Here's Dewey.
23:14Really, Mom?
23:16You want me to cut Reese's hair?
23:19But he loves his hair.
23:22Okay.
23:22This is so unfair.
23:27Just get it over with.
23:29Mohawks are kind of out, Mom.
23:32What if I...
23:34Do you hear a strange ringing, Mom?
23:40You are so dead!
23:45And the last thing I remember
23:47is him shoving paintballs up my nose.
23:51Good.
23:52Then let's just say that's where he stopped.
23:55With my boy!
23:56What have you done with my poor delicate boy?
24:02Oh, my God!
24:10This is your fault, you evil little Svengali.
24:15I... I knew I shouldn't let Dabney have any friends!
24:19Now, Dabney, where...
24:21Get the car!
24:22We're going home.
24:24Dabney, you've never spoken to me like this before.
24:27Well, get used to it.
24:29I'm not your little boy anymore, Mom.
24:32I'm your little man.
24:37Oh, boy.
24:40Oh!
24:41Oh, Dabney!
24:42Oh!
24:43Dear Francis,
24:59To stop Otto's night terrors,
25:01just caress his oar lapkin.
25:05Gretchen.
25:07His oar lapkin.
25:20Please, please, please, please.
25:23Oh!