Malcolm In The Middle Season 4 Episode 16 Academic Octathalon
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00:00There, he moves.
00:01Too bad, you got H-O-R-S.
00:06Yes, no, maybe.
00:11I don't know.
00:13Can you repeat the question?
00:17You're not the boss of me now.
00:20You're not the boss of me now.
00:23You're not the boss of me now.
00:25And you're not so big.
00:28You're not the boss of me now.
00:31You're not the boss of me now.
00:34You're not the boss of me now.
00:36And you're not so big.
00:41Life is unfair.
00:53Does this chip look funny, dear?
00:57Nope.
00:58It's fine.
00:59Ha-ha, you took the last one.
01:00You have to refill it.
01:02Oh, darn it.
01:06Oh, great.
01:08It's an ant.
01:10I know.
01:11I saw him before.
01:13No, Dewey, you don't understand.
01:14This one's the scout.
01:16If he finds anything appetizing,
01:18soon there'll be lots and lots of ants.
01:20Which is why I'm about to make sure that this scout doesn't report back to headquarters.
01:27Dewey, bedtime.
01:29Ready, Dad?
01:30Bedtime express.
01:31Yeah, just give me a second here.
01:34I got the nicest dress for the school formal.
01:45It's satiny and long.
01:48And what's that color between pink and purple?
01:52Mauve.
01:53Oh, sorry.
01:54Isn't she cute when she gets excited?
01:59Her cheeks get all red, and then she gets a little twinkle in her eye.
02:04I've got to tell you, I'm a lucky guy.
02:06So you're really going to spring for a limo and tux and all that?
02:09Hell no, we're not going to that dance.
02:11It would practically wipe up my leather jacket fund.
02:14What are you talking about?
02:15I've got it all worked out.
02:17I let her think we're going, and then right before the dance, I pick a giant fight.
02:21She gets so mad at me, she doesn't want to go.
02:24And then the next day, I apologize.
02:26She takes me back, and then it's smooth sailing until her birthday.
02:30Malcolm!
02:32Where have you been?
02:33I called an emergency study session.
02:35What?
02:36We just had an emergency study session last night.
02:38This is the academic octathlon.
02:41We are pitted against the brightest minds from every high school in the country.
02:45From now on, we will work through lunch every day.
02:47I thought this was supposed to be fun.
02:49Fun is for losers.
02:52We're all making sacrifices, Malcolm.
02:54I've had to blow up my cello lessons.
02:55I missed my uncle's funeral.
02:57I've been tanking my grades for the past three months
03:00so I could be our team's mandatory C student.
03:04That food is not there for you to eat.
03:07It's there so I don't get into trouble for making you work through lunch.
03:09Now, focus!
03:12Why can't I quit?
03:13This is stupid!
03:15Extracurriculars are very important.
03:17You think you can coast into college on straight A's?
03:21Well, you can't.
03:23Besides, this is a good opportunity to meet other smart kids.
03:26You're never too young to start making contacts.
03:28Yeah, make friends for life at a nerd fest.
03:31It's not nerdy to spend a weekend winning a trophy that shows how smart you are!
03:37Well, you're doing it anyway.
03:39Oh, jeez.
03:46Not the cabinets, too.
03:47Honey, where'd I put the ant spray?
03:50Hey, Dad.
03:51Time for Bedtime Express.
03:53Uh, yeah.
03:55Dewey, look, I want to talk to you.
03:58You're getting bigger.
03:59And there's a lot of great things about being a big boy.
04:03But big boys don't get to do Bedtime Express because it hurts Daddy.
04:09So, even though it's fun, we're not going to do Bedtime Express anymore.
04:15Okay.
04:17Good.
04:19Then I won't love you anymore.
04:21What?
04:23I won't love you anymore.
04:25Dewey, you can't just say something like that because you're upset.
04:28I'm sorry, but I can't help the way I feel.
04:33Good night, Dad.
04:37Reese, did you get your tux yet?
04:39Uh, uh, the dance is in two days.
04:42Of course I got my tux.
04:44Good.
04:45Hey, look at this.
04:46It's my dress.
04:47Isn't it amazing?
04:49Are you sure this is going to fit?
04:51Because you're so fat.
04:58Oh, you're such a goofball sometimes.
05:02Anyway, I really like these bows.
05:03Maybe I should get matching shoes, but I don't want it to look too outfitty.
05:09Hey, honey.
05:10You won't believe the day I had.
05:12I had a pretty interesting day, too.
05:14I had to wear these filthy clothes to work because you forgot to pick up the dry cleaning again.
05:19For crying out loud, I just got off a 12-hour shift.
05:22The last thing I need is for you to...
05:26You know what?
05:28Let's not do this.
05:30Do what?
05:31Fight.
05:32We argue way too much.
05:35You're right.
05:36Why can't we just both shut up for once and give ourselves time to be in love with each other?
05:43Let's just not talk about it.
05:46I am having the best time with Piyama today.
05:53It's like every moment was perfect and seemed to blend perfectly into the next perfect moment.
05:59I have had 25 years of days like that with Mike Gretchen.
06:05I heard that, schminkey pants.
06:11I will save this for later.
06:14See, when marriage works, there is nothing like it.
06:20Let me ask you something.
06:22You and Gretchen, you never argue about chores, right?
06:26Like if there's an errand to be run, you do it, she does it.
06:30Who cares?
06:32I never really thought about it.
06:35I am sick and tired of doing all of these chores.
06:38I work hard all day.
06:40I work like a dog and you don't appreciate it.
06:44You just spend money on whatever you want.
06:47I spend, you spend money like we have a key to the mint or something.
06:52The square root of 8,649 bottles of non-alcoholic beer on the wall.
06:58The square root of 8,649 bottles of non-alcoholic beer.
07:02Take one down, pass it around.
07:05The square root of 8,464 bottles of non-alcoholic beer on the wall.
07:09In case you're wondering, they're only at 92 bottles.
07:14Octathletes, I have news.
07:17One of my informers has just reported to me that the science portion of this competition
07:21will be based on organic chemistry.
07:23So, break out your textbooks.
07:25We'll start with chapters 23, 24, 42, 44, 45.
07:29Sir, I'm supposed to take a two-hour nap on the bus or I'll get cranky.
07:34Of course.
07:34Would you like us all to sing you a lullaby?
07:37Or perhaps I could wad up my jacket and make a pillow for you.
07:41I have my own pillow, thank you.
07:44I just need some help blowing it up.
07:46I have had it with this bellyaching.
07:48If any of you are not fully committed to this team,
07:50you are more than welcome to get off the bus right now.
07:53Driver, open the doors.
07:55I did not say stop.
07:59I said open the doors.
08:08That's silly fighting.
08:11Let us never do that again.
08:14That is not us.
08:16I don't know what came over me.
08:19Me neither.
08:22We will never speak of this again.
08:25And what?
08:27She already forgot it.
08:32Here you are.
08:34I am sure you two will be very happy here.
08:38We could be happy anywhere.
08:40Oh.
08:46Let me ask you something.
08:50I do plenty of chores, okay?
08:52Yeah, what?
08:53You may not realize it because you're out throwing our money away.
08:56Oh, here we go.
08:56By the way, are we actually going to have sex on this vacation?
09:00Or is it going to be St. Croix all over again?
09:02Got to get a stronger spray.
09:11Dewey, I'm going to the hardware store.
09:13I'll be back soon.
09:14Love you.
09:15That's nice.
09:17Okay, this is crazy.
09:19You can't not love me just because I won't give you bedtime rides.
09:24Yes, I can.
09:24Oh, this is not going to work, mister.
09:27I know you love me.
09:29I like you.
09:31And that's it?
09:33I think you're a nice man.
09:35Fine.
09:35You know what?
09:36Maybe you need to spend some time in your room and think about this a while.
09:39Okay?
09:40As of right now, you are grounded.
09:42Okay.
09:43And then tomorrow, I'm going to buy you a brand new bicycle.
09:48It's not going to change anything.
09:56Food fight!
09:58What the hell are you doing?
10:00Come on.
10:01It's a food fight.
10:02No, it's not.
10:03You're just throwing egg salad at me.
10:05Yeah, because that's the kind of thing I think is fun.
10:08You are such a jerk.
10:11That's it.
10:11I don't ever want to see you again.
10:15Until the dance.
10:18Here it is, children.
10:31The battlefield.
10:33Get comfortable with it.
10:34Make it your own.
10:35I'm getting a panic rash over my homesick rash.
10:38Suck it up, people.
10:39Tomorrow is the finals.
10:41Now, do you see that air conditioning vent?
10:43Jefferson High has three asthmatics on their team.
10:45If we could just get them to sit directly beneath...
10:48Mr. Baffert!
10:49Oh, you've done it again.
10:50What a stellar job in organizing this...
10:52Don't suck up, Lionel.
10:54It's pathetic.
10:57Don't worry, sir.
10:58We were ready to grab your ankles if you got too far up there.
11:01Hey, Hergaby.
11:02Surprised to see you and your band of bedwetters had the guts to show up.
11:07Oh, look.
11:08It's North High.
11:09Oh, my God.
11:19They brought in Rubinger from Minnesota.
11:21Who?
11:22IBM's been studying him.
11:23Rumor has it he was a Siamese twin that got both brains.
11:28Walk with me.
11:29You see those little freaks over there that you call friends?
11:36Now, they need to win here so they can get into one of the top colleges
11:39because that's the only way they're going to become successful enough
11:41so that people don't beat them up every day for the rest of their lives.
11:45Now, are you going to deny them that?
11:46I'll try my best.
11:48Good.
11:48Now, the judges will spot Morse code easily,
11:51so I've developed this rudimentary fingertip semaphore.
11:55Memorize this.
11:56You want me to cheat?
11:57Let's call it success advantaging.
12:01Forget it.
12:02I'm not going to cheat.
12:05Guys.
12:08Guys, you're not going to believe this.
12:09Hergaby actually wants us to cheat.
12:12What?
12:13That isn't right.
12:14Yeah, he's not supposed to write it down.
12:16That's a paper trail.
12:17You guys are in on this?
12:19Malcolm, you have no idea.
12:20This is big.
12:22This goes further than you know.
12:24Further than you guys?
12:26Oh.
12:26Then you do know.
12:33Are you in?
12:35Or are you out?
12:38Out?
12:38Hey!
12:53Hey!
12:54I'm the one who has to fix that if you break it.
12:57Sorry.
12:58You work here?
12:58My dad's the manager.
13:00You know, for a bunch of dweebs, you guys sure cause a lot of trouble.
13:03I can't believe you put on SPF 45.
13:06It's an indoor pool.
13:07But we have to cross through the courtyard to get there.
13:09How can you be around them for more than 10 seconds and not want to deck one?
13:15Trust me.
13:16Trust me, it's not that satisfying.
13:18Plus, some of them are my friends.
13:21We're my friends.
13:23No, we still are.
13:24I'm just not happy about it.
13:25What would you do if your friends wanted you to do something you didn't want to do?
13:31Not do it.
13:32Yeah, but see, that won't work.
13:33Because even if I don't, they're going to do it anyway.
13:36And that makes me a part of it, whether I do it or not.
13:38So there's no way out.
13:40Um, there's probably some kind of obvious smart guy reason I'm missing here, but
13:45can't you just leave?
13:52Freeze!
13:53How many times have I told you?
13:55No ice cream in the living room.
13:57You're dripping all over the rug.
13:58Are you crazy?
14:02No, just extremely disrespectful.
14:05I mean, what are you going to do with a kid like me?
14:08Ground me?
14:09You bet I am.
14:10One week in your room, no TV, no video games, no contact with the outside world.
14:16After you take Allison to the dance.
14:19What?
14:19Reese, you made a promise to that girl and you are going to keep it.
14:23But how did you...
14:24Look, Reese, some people are born book smart.
14:26Others are born crafty and street smart.
14:29You, I'm afraid, are neither.
14:33Oh.
14:36Hello?
14:37Mom, come get me.
14:39Look, I have to get out of here.
14:42I'm leaving either way.
14:43If you're not here within the next three hours, you can find me walking down the highway.
14:47In the dark.
14:48Or maybe I'll hitchhike.
14:50You know, I met this guy with a van.
14:51He seemed real friendly.
14:52I can't wait until I'm old and senile.
15:21I'm going to be hooked up to life support in your attic.
15:24Running you ragged with crazy old person demands.
15:27I am going to cling to life for years just to make you suffer.
15:31Fine.
15:31I'm not staying here.
15:32That son of a...
15:44Stop the car.
15:47What?
15:48Stop!
15:50I'm staying.
15:51I will not be played like that.
15:54You can punish me when I get home.
15:56Deal.
15:57Deal.
15:57Deal.
15:57Deal.
15:57Deal.
16:02All right.
16:14This has gone far enough.
16:16Now, I will walk you to your room.
16:18I will roll you to your room.
16:20I will race you to your room.
16:22But you are too big to give bedtime rights to.
16:26If you say so.
16:27I say so.
16:28Now, as your father, I am ordering you to say, I love you.
16:31I love you.
16:35Now, say it in a convincing manner.
16:37I love you.
16:40Now, say it without me telling you to.
16:42Is this going to take long?
16:44Because I was going to get a soda.
16:46Unless I'm too big to drink soda.
16:49Just go.
16:50Go.
16:51Oh, for crying out loud.
16:56These things are everywhere.
17:06I don't know, Malcolm.
17:08This seems like a very drastic escalation.
17:11You want to cheat, right?
17:13Since this is just a big cheating contest,
17:15I say we out-cheat everyone else.
17:17Why do I have to be the one who does this?
17:20Because you look the most pathetic in a bathing suit.
17:22I do not.
17:23What about...
17:25Yeah, okay.
17:27Go, Stevie.
17:36Oh, excuse me.
17:39I got locked out of my room.
17:41And I forgot my towel.
17:42And I'm very cold.
17:45Here you go.
17:47Have a nice stay.
17:51I've been swimming.
17:55Good job.
17:56I'll be out in a minute.
17:57I do all the chores.
17:58I make all the money.
17:59And I'm sorry if I'm a little tired when we get into the bedroom.
18:02But that's why we took this vacation.
18:04We took this vacation to get away from your parents.
18:06You have no clue.
18:07Because you never told me what you're thinking.
18:08I'm not a mind reader.
18:10I got the answers.
18:12I'm going to go make copies.
18:13You guys stay here and keep the door open until I get back.
18:15Everybody, look casual.
18:30Now let's see you chicken out.
18:32What are you doing?
18:40It's not what it looks like.
18:42It looks like you're trying to break your foot just so you don't have to go to the dance with me.
18:46Ha.
18:47You couldn't be more wrong.
18:49If you don't want to go with me, then why don't you just break up with me?
18:58I really like you, Allison.
19:01I just didn't want to spend all that money on the dance.
19:05I know that was selfish and I'm really sorry.
19:07But I still really want you to be my girlfriend.
19:13Well, thanks for being honest.
19:18But you made a promise to me and I'm going to hold you to it.
19:23You're going to get me a corsage and you're going to rent a limo and you're going to pick me up at seven and we're going to go to the dance.
19:33Okay.
19:34You'll see.
19:35We'll have a great time.
19:37We'll dance the spotlight dance and we'll make sure we get our picture taken together so we'll always remember this night.
19:47And then I'll break up with you forever.
19:58Someone I know was a busy little team player last night.
20:01He just came to me with the right thing to do, Wes.
20:04I have never been prider of you than at this moment.
20:08We never spoke.
20:09Ladies and gentlemen, we are now ready to begin round one.
20:15The subject will be history.
20:19Question one.
20:21In 1803, the French sold over 800,000 square miles.
20:27Louisiana Purchase.
20:28Correct.
20:29Question two.
20:36What historic document?
20:38The Magna Carta.
20:40Correct.
20:46Question three.
20:49Who?
20:50Ben Franklin.
20:50That's right.
20:59Settle down, please.
21:03Let's try this again.
21:06Question.
21:07The demonstration of Prague.
21:10Okay.
21:10The treatment of the threat.
21:12Will all coaches join me in the back?
21:19You gave everyone the test, didn't you?
21:23In fingertips and before this means...
21:25I know what it means.
21:29Good night, Dad.
21:31Dewey, I know it's just an expression.
21:34And I'm a mature person.
21:35So if you don't want to say it, you don't have to say it.
21:39Thanks for understanding.
21:40Well, I love you.
21:43But guess what?
21:44I don't love you.
21:45And you.
21:46And I don't love you.
21:48Or you.
21:48Or you.
21:49I especially don't love you.
21:51And you love it.
21:54Don't try to get away, huh?
21:58Just love.
22:01I hate.
22:07Oh, no.
22:10Dad, we need more toothpaste.
22:19Dad?
22:21Dad, wake up!
22:22Get out of there!
22:24Dad!
22:25Dad!
22:34Dad!
22:35Get off!
22:36Get off!
22:37Please!
22:38Don't die, Dad!
22:40I love you!
22:41I love you, Dad!
22:46Are they dead?
22:53Am I dead?
22:57What?
22:58I passed out.
23:00How did you pull me all the way over here?
23:05I guess...
23:08Some bigger.
23:11Oh!
23:12Oh, God!
23:18Thank you, son.
23:19You saved my life!
23:21I love you.
23:22I love you, Dad.
23:25Well, the results are in.
23:37Since everyone was so well prepared, everybody gets a trophy.
23:43Jefferson, you win first place in science.
23:46Quincy, you win in mathematics.
23:48North High History,
23:50St. Bartholomew Literature,
23:52and Marshall in ethics.
23:58As you can see, it's a happy ending for all.
24:02So long as everybody keeps their mouths shut.
24:05See you next year.
24:14Hey.
24:15No hard feelings, okay?
24:17I mean, I got you.
24:19You got everybody.
24:21It was kind of cool.
24:22Right.
24:23Cool.
24:24I wonder what would have happened if we played it straight.
24:27You know?
24:28Got a head-to-head for real.
24:29You've got to be kidding.
24:32Compared to you, he's a whole other species.
24:34You should be his pet.
24:36Come on.
24:39We're sorry.
24:41We tried to make you cheat.
24:44You're our moral compass, Malcolm.
24:47We'd like to make it up to you somehow.
24:49Let's all pick him up and carry him to the bus on our shoulders.
24:52Yeah!
24:53That's a good idea.
24:55Actually, I should sit this one out.
24:57With my middle ear condition, I...
24:59Scoliosis.
25:00I forgot my orthotics.
25:02Sorry.
25:03Epstein bar.
25:04Yes, Mr. Cutler, we have your reservation right here.
25:08Hey, what time is it there in Australia?
25:11Canceling?
25:11Oh, no.
25:15Well, it's a shame to let one argument with your wife spoil.
25:20Sure, you can ask me whatever you want.
25:27Bye, honey.
25:47Bye.
25:49Bye.
25:51Bye.
25:51Bye.
25:52Bye.
25:52Bye.