Malcolm In The Middle Season 3 Episode 3 Book Club
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00:00What are you doing?
00:02They start showering in gym class.
00:08Yes, no, maybe
00:12I don't know
00:14Can you repeat the question?
00:18You're not the boss of me now
00:20You're not the boss of me now
00:24You're not the boss of me now
00:26And you're not so big
00:28You're not the boss of me now
00:30You're not the boss of me now
00:32You're not the boss of me now
00:34You're not the boss of me now
00:36And you're not so big
00:40Life is a thing
00:50Could you pass a piece, please?
00:52Thank you
00:56Thank you
01:00You're welcome
01:04Now
01:06Alright boys, that's enough
01:08Hold it
01:12Boom
01:18Do you think for once we could have a civilized conversation during dinner free of sound effects?
01:22Your mother's right
01:24I don't think it's asking too much for us to have some nice dinner conversation
01:28Malcolm
01:34Malcolm, how was school today?
01:36History class was cool
01:38Really? Tell us about it
01:40Jimmy Perkins kicked the crap out of Fred Nason right outside our window
01:44He beat up Fred Nason? That dude's huge
01:46I know I couldn't believe it
01:48Fred knocked Jimmy's hat off and Jimmy turned and punched him in the face like five times in a row in like a second
01:52No way
01:54Fred fell in the bush and then he just started hitting him and hitting him and hitting him
01:56It was awesome
01:58Jimmy Perkins is crazy
02:00It's like I've always told you boys
02:02Crazy beats big every time
02:20So how was your day dear?
02:22Hey Eric, it's Francis
02:24How's Alaska?
02:25Francis, where are you?
02:26You were supposed to be here two weeks ago
02:28I know, but
02:29No one will pick me up
02:30I ran out of money and had to work tarring roofs for a week
02:33Apparently there's a serial killer loose in Idaho who looks just like me
02:37You better get here soon
02:39I don't know how much longer they'll hold the job
02:41I'm almost there
02:42Listen
02:43Do I take the provincial highway 99 or do I take the 27 to provincial highway 12?
02:48What?
02:49Where are you?
02:50I'm close to British Columbia
02:52I'm in Bellingham, Washington
02:53Francis
02:54You're still 2,000 miles away
02:56What?
02:57No way
02:58I gotta be near Alaska
02:59I just exchanged all my money for Alaskan dollars
03:02There's no such thing as Alaskan dollars
03:06Sir?
03:11Are you almost finished with that?
03:14What do you got in mind?
03:16I need you to watch the boys next Tuesday night
03:19I've joined a book club
03:21Oh Lois, you don't want to do that
03:23I joined a record club once and they hounded me for years
03:26It's not that kind of a club, Hal
03:28This is women from school, adults discussing books
03:33Hmm
03:34I live in a house filled with boys
03:37I listen to boy talk and boy noises
03:41I need to spend some time with females
03:43Whenever I see them at the PTA meetings, they always invite me to do things with them and I never go
03:49Mm-hmm, yeah
03:50I need to do this for my sanity
03:53Yeah
03:54Yes
03:56Yeah
03:57Are you even listening to me?
03:59Of course I am
04:01Here's what I think
04:03This book club, it's a great idea, Lois
04:06It's about time you did something like this
04:08You have a brilliant and beautiful mind that needs challenging
04:14I just hope those other women can keep up with you
04:19Now make a wish
04:20Okay, I left the phone number on the counter
04:27The dishes are soaking in the sink
04:29I took the batteries out of the remote and I put them in the smoke detector
04:33Just for tonight
04:34Oh, you relax, honey
04:36You're off the clock
04:38This is supposed to be your night out, just enjoy yourself
04:41Stop worrying
04:42Yeah, Mom
04:43Oh, oh, oh
04:45Uh, remember to take the garbage cans to the curb
04:47Tonight
04:48Please stop worrying
04:49Come and just go have some fun
04:53Now?
04:54Now
04:55Let's let Mom get a few blocks away
04:57Right
04:58This could be a trick
05:00What are you guys talking about?
05:02We've got some fireworks buried in the backyard
05:04We're gonna dig them up while Mom's gone
05:07Tracy Hines is having a party tomorrow night
05:09And we're not invited
05:11Our justice will be swift but bare
05:14We'll be fine
05:16Okay, I don't wanna screw this up
05:19Lois needs time to herself
05:21She deserves a night out
05:23She'll have a great time and then come home all happy
05:27I just have to somehow keep the boys under control
05:31Oh, what am I talking about?
05:33They're good kids
05:34What am I talking about?
05:36What am I talking about?
05:37They're monsters
05:38They'll destroy everything
05:40And then ruin Lois' night
05:42And then
05:43Then she'll feel like we can't be trusted on our own
05:45She'll never wanna have a night out again
05:47And it'll all be my fault
05:50We're going out back
05:53You're not going anywhere
05:55You're gonna stay in your room all night with the door shut
05:58Now go
05:59Go
06:00Go
06:01Mmm, this cheddar is wonderful
06:07It is good
06:09So, I really like the book
06:12Really?
06:13Oh, Karen, let's have some more of that wine
06:17I like the way the author shifted the voice of the narrator from character to character
06:23Oh, well, I'll just have to take your word on that
06:28I didn't really read the book
06:30Oh
06:31Was anyone else confused by those flashbacks?
06:39Am I the only one who read the book?
06:42Actually, Lois, we don't make it mandatory to read the book
06:48What?
06:49I mean, we're all busy
06:51But that shouldn't prevent us from enjoying a relaxing evening every once in a while
06:57Lois, don't you feel you deserve one night away from the bickering, the yelling and the TV blaring?
07:07Away from all the stupid little problems that can't seem to be solved without you
07:21A little more
07:37Oh, thank you
07:41Thank you for stopping
07:42Oh, man, the name's Roy
07:44I'm Francis
07:45God, it's freezing out there
07:47I've been standing in that same stretch of road for six hours
07:50People are actually flipping me off as they drove past me
07:54Why would they do that?
07:57So, how far are you going?
07:59Mammo
08:00I'm going up to Green River
08:01I can take you almost the whole way
08:03God, really?
08:04It's taken me the last three days to get 20 miles
08:10Thank you
08:12You okay?
08:14Yeah, it's just
08:16People aren't very nice
08:18You want some coffee?
08:21Yes
08:24And when I was leaving, my mom and I were yelling and screaming at each other
08:28And she's still finding the time to tell the cab driver which route to take to the bus station
08:33She's a total control freak
08:36She sounds like she's afraid
08:38What would my mom have to be afraid of?
08:40Well, she could be afraid that if she doesn't control every aspect of her life or the lives of the people she cares about that horrible things will happen
08:49Like what horrible things?
08:50Well, maybe her oldest son moving 5,000 miles away from her
08:56Alright, you got me there
08:58You're pretty smart
09:00Well, I'm on the road 18 hours a day
09:03Gives me a lot of time to think about things, about people, and why they do the things they do
09:09I'm kind of a wannabe psychiatrist
09:12Well, I'm just glad to finally be out of it
09:14I got a line that I'm not gonna cross
09:16And if anyone tries to push me across it, I'm gone
09:20Well, sure, everybody's got a line
09:22But what's interesting is everyone's line is different
09:26Sometimes it moves
09:27I mean, look at your situation right here
09:30It is freezing cold
09:32There's no other cars on the road
09:35Hypothetically, if I said put on a curly red wig or I'll throw you out of the truck
09:42Are you really gonna go back out into the cold?
09:45Yeah, but that's ridiculous
09:46You can't use a silly example like that to prove
09:51You're kidding
09:52Okay, okay
09:58You haven't made a sound in a half an hour
10:07What's going on in here?
10:08Nothing
10:10I expect perfect behavior out of you boys tonight
10:13Trust me, if you try anything, anything at all
10:16I will be on you like a rainbow on an oil slick
10:22Okay, this is good
10:28You sent them a message
10:31Fired a shot across their bow
10:34Now they know who's in charge
10:37Maybe I was too harsh
10:39If the boys push back, they might do something ten times worse and spoil everything for Lowe's
10:45Don't go soft
10:47All these boys understand is the iron fist
10:53No, I need to get them on my side
10:58Dewey, you be lookout when we dig up the fireworks
11:01What's going on with Dad?
11:03I don't know
11:05Maybe he's dealing with something at work
11:07I hope he's gonna be okay
11:09At his age, carrying around that kind of tension can't be good for you
11:13Oh, Dad's here
11:14Dad's here
11:16Who wants ice cream?
11:23So I come home after working a ten hour shift
11:26And I see my boys and they're covered with grass
11:29And they're covered with paint
11:31And they look at me and you know what all they can say is
11:33Where's dinner?
11:35Oh, yeah
11:37Too much is expected of us
11:40Well, our society is just so screwed up
11:43You know, thirty years ago you could just at least pick something and go with it
11:49A housewife, a queer woman, a sex slave
11:53But now you're supposed to do everything and it's impossible
11:56Unless you're Lillian Miller
11:59Oh, yeah
12:01You know, if it weren't for me, my family would be naked, living in trees eating berries
12:06I mean, do they appreciate what I do for them? No!
12:10Lillian Miller's family just surprised her with a trip to Spain
12:15No kidding!
12:16You know, the other day I discovered a two inch long hair growing out of my shoulder
12:22I mean, how long has that been there?
12:25I didn't even have time to put myself together in the morning
12:28Lillian Miller brought twenty homemade cakes to the school bake sale
12:34I had those
12:37They were delicious
12:41The woman just cooks like a god
12:44But she never puts on a pound
12:47You can't be forty-five and still be a size two
12:52That's children's sizes, that's for children
12:55Lillian!
12:57You know, ladies, I just realized something
13:00Society isn't the thing that's making us miserable
13:03I mean, hell, we're a society
13:06Oh, yeah!
13:08No, no!
13:10Every single one of our problems can be traced back
13:13To that tight-ass, over-achieving, marathon-running, master-chef
13:19Lillian Miller
13:22I am myself from Arbenteers, Polly-Boo!
13:25I am myself from Arbenteers, Polly-Boo!
13:29I am myself from Arbenteers, Polly-Boo!
13:33Scott's a Polly-Boo plot again from Washington, so I decided to wear Dinky Dinky Polly-Boo!
13:40Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!
13:42What?
13:43Inky Dinky Polly-Boo!
13:45That's what I said, Roy!
13:46No, you said Inky Dinky, now you gotta start over
13:50I'm not starting over, it's freezing out there, I can barely feel my lips anymore
13:54I can barely feel my lips anymore
13:59I am myself from Arbenteers, Polly-Boo!
14:03I am myself from Arbenteers, Polly-Boo!
14:09Thanks for the ice cream, Dad
14:11No, you're welcome, Dewey
14:13Don't worry about this mess, I'll take care of it
14:16Always just sit there and relax
14:19Alright, what the hell is going on?
14:24I'm not sure, but I think he's feeling guilty about something
14:27Maybe we can exploit it
14:29How?
14:31Why don't we send Dewey in there crying about the train set Mom put in the attic
14:34Mom didn't put a train set in the attic
14:36Exactly! When he's up there trying to find it, you and I can go dig out the fireworks before Mom gets home
14:42Dewey, we need you to cry
14:44But it's gotta be the right kind of crying
14:45Not stopping, more of a whiny sound with a penetrating quality
14:50Give me a moment
14:52Okay, that was a good idea
14:56The boys are happy, I think you've got them motivated to behave themselves
15:00And Lois is gonna see that I can handle them without her
15:04Are you kidding me? You've gone soft
15:07You've totally lost the boys' respect
15:10Lois isn't gonna like this
15:11Come on, they're under control
15:15But what if they aren't?
15:17What if they're just pretending to behave so they can set you up?
15:21You've gotta occupy these boys, keep them so busy they don't have time to get in trouble
15:27How am I gonna keep them busy?
15:29Well, you better find a way
15:30Dad, do we really want you to...
15:35Boys, let's spend a little time together
15:38We can, uh, I know, I know we can do some calisthenics
15:42What?
15:44Come on, you boys love to exercise
15:46But I just ate a ton of ice cream
15:48All the more reason, you are starting to get a little flabby, come on
15:52I'm too full
15:56Well, when you start moving, you'll feel better
16:00Let's go, one, two, one, two, one, two, one, two
16:05Stupid, stupid
16:09It was a terrible idea
16:11It was a great idea, a great idea poorly executed
16:16Terrible idea, terrible execution
16:19Why don't you just lock them in the bathroom till Lois gets home and be done with it
16:30Look at that house
16:33It's perfect
16:37No, no, no
16:39We didn't come here for mindless vandalism, we came to screw up her car
16:43See how she feels when she's ten minutes late for carpool like a real person
16:50She probably won't even be able to get out of bed of the water
16:55This time next year, she's gonna be living in a trailer
17:01With a ceramic donkey in the franchise
17:03She's wearing pearls to make cookies?
17:22Toilies!
17:24What kind of a monster is this woman?
17:27Oh god, those cookies smell good
17:30Let's kill her and eat them
17:32Karen
17:34Why don't you go stand guard?
17:37Yeah, yeah, yeah
17:41Quick!
17:43Shh, shh, shh, shh
17:44Oh, one of us should probably know something about cars
18:04It doesn't matter, just pull up some of the wires, let's get out of here
18:08Karen, Karen, you gotta stop, Karen
18:19You gotta settle down
18:24Karen, why don't you see, if you can see the alphabet backward
18:28Z-Y-X-W-V-U-T-S-R-Q-P-O-N-M-L-K-J-I-H-G-F-E-D-C-B-A
18:39I've been pulled over a few times
18:41Hey! Lillian's gone!
18:44What do you mean Lillian's gone?
18:50Roar!
18:58Roar! Roar! Roar! Roar! Roar! Roar! Roar! Roar! Roar! Roar! Roar! Roar! Roar! Roar! Roar! Roar! Roar! Roar! Roar! Roar! Roar! Roar! Roar! Roar! Roar! Roar! Roar! Roar! Roar! Roar! Roar! Roar! Roar! Roar! Roar! Roar! Roar! Roar! Roar! Roar! Roar! Roar! Roar! Roar! Roar! Roar! Roar! Roar! Roar! Roar! Roar! Roar! Roar! Roar! Roar! Roar! Roar! Roar! Roar! Roar! Roar! Roar! Roar! Roar! Roar! Roar! Roar! Roar! Roar! Roar! Roar! Roar! Roar! Roar
19:28You haven't proven a thing, and you certainly haven't determined what my limits are.
19:32None of this has bothered me, and if you think it has, the joke is on you.
19:37Cleanse.
19:40King responded 1031 at 642 Manifest Avenue.
19:49That's the third time he drove down that alley.
19:51He knows we're in here.
19:53This is gross.
19:55I can't believe I'm wearing open-toed shoes.
19:58I can't believe I'm hiding from the cops in a dumpster.
20:03I just wanted to talk about books.
20:07Oh, and it was such a good book, too.
20:13The foreshadowing was effective without being heavy-handed.
20:17The characters were flawed but compelling,
20:20and the entire story was brimming with insight into the human condition.
20:28But how did you even find time to read it?
20:32Your family sounds so horrible.
20:34I was lying.
20:37I made all that stuff up so that I wouldn't fit in.
20:43They're wonderful.
20:46They're idiots.
20:48But at least they try.
20:50I wanted to be to have this nice evening.
20:54And look what I did with this.
20:58What are you doing?
20:59You'll see.
21:01Go home to your family and hug them for me.
21:03They sound wonderful.
21:06Hey, pancakes!
21:08Over here!
21:09Come on!
21:20Show me what you got!
21:25Am I supposed to be afraid of an electric shaver?
21:29Why is he making us watch a documentary about salt?
21:41Would you rather still be locked in the bathroom?
21:43Or be chased by the hug monster?
21:46Will you just do something?
21:48I'm trying.
21:49But every time we make a move, he's two steps ahead of us.
21:52He's impossible to predict.
21:54At least with Mom, you get a little consistency.
21:56But Dad's operating in a whole other plane.
21:58Hey, we put salt on french fries.
22:06Ground them.
22:07Cut off their food supply.
22:10They just need love.
22:12Give them the petals.
22:13Get the colors and lines.
22:17Green name has not been to you, child.
22:20Make them fear you.
22:22You have to make them to you, child.
22:24You have to make them to you, child.
22:26Shut up!
22:46I am going to take a bath.
23:03I'm asking you boys one last time to behave.
23:08Not for me, but for your mother.
23:11After all she does for you,
23:13one night of peace shouldn't be too much to ask for.
23:18So if you love her, you will do this for her.
23:33Wow, Francis, I've never had anyone empty the box before.
23:37I'm out of props.
23:39You know, I wasn't on board with your little experiment at first,
23:42but I got to admit, I learned a lot about myself tonight.
23:45I mean, who am I to judge other people for the choices they make?
23:50You know, from now on, I'm going to be a little more understanding
23:53and a lot more humble.
23:55Want to start for some dinner?
23:57What, like this?
24:00Sure.
24:01Why not like this?
24:02Have you ever thought about writing a book?
24:06Because I'm sure there's a lot of people who...
24:07Hey, Merman.
24:11What time's the pageant?
24:19Fluffy's caller?
24:21Mom said he ran away.
24:23Get out of there, Dewey.
24:24Tracy really should have invited us.
24:29This is what people get for being rude.
24:32Okay, we'll hide these in the closet tonight.
24:34When we get out, we'll cover up the hole
24:36and when we come on, we'll be in bed sleeping like this.
24:39Boys!
24:42Fireworks!
24:46Fireworks!
24:47Oh!
24:48How did she...
24:49I don't know.
24:50Oh, we're in so much trouble!
24:54I can't leave you alone for a second!
24:57I guess next time I go on,
24:58I'll have to chain you to the floor!
25:01We tell you to behave
25:02and you don't even pretend to listen!
25:05You might as well cut up your ears
25:06and throw them in the trash
25:08for as little as you use them!
25:10You are grounded for the next month!
25:12Get down on the ground
25:14with your hands behind your head!
25:17Why, you're being punished!
25:20I hope you're pressed
25:21by doing all sorts of fun stuff
25:24because you won't be doing any of it!
25:28You are going to suffer!
25:32I should get out there.
25:35Ah, you just screwed up.
25:38Good call.
25:38You are being punished!
25:49I should go.
25:49Good call.
25:50Put them on my skin from my head.
25:52Bye.
25:52Go, chef.
25:53Bye.
25:54Bye.
25:54Bye.
25:55Bye.
25:56Bye.
25:56Bye.
25:57Bye.
26:06Why.
26:07Bye.
26:08Bye.