Malcolm In The Middle Season 4 Episode 20 Baby Pt 1
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00:00Where ever you are, whatever you've done, don't think I won't find you!
00:31We're so glad Francis decided to come down for a visit. It's been so long since we've seen him.
00:37And you taking along is an added bonus.
00:40Well, making you happy makes me happy.
00:43You know, I don't think that nursery would ever get done without Francis' help.
00:47Hal has this thing about heights.
00:49I can't reach it! Dad, you have to come up another rung!
00:54My ears are popping!
00:57So my doctor said I only have to wear these special shoes for two more years.
01:02Then I'm down to nights and weekends.
01:05Great Scott! You got a letter from Martindale Academy!
01:09What's Martindale Academy?
01:11It's the greatest, most advanced private school in existence!
01:15Do you know how many millions they've spent to make sure you've never heard about it?
01:19It says I've been accepted. I didn't even apply.
01:22No one applies! They fined you! This is unbelievable!
01:26Malcolm, you're going to the show! You're set for life!
01:31Wait, what am I thinking? You can't go!
01:34You're too poor! You're like the poorest guy I know!
01:37I'm such a jerk!
01:39Here I am describing this nirvana you'll never be able to experience!
01:43Holding out this hope of power and success to a guy in a $3 shirt!
01:48I mean, look at this hovel!
01:50Lord, you have to stop talking!
01:53It's okay to cry, Malcolm. Tears are free!
02:02Okay, everybody. We just got back from the doctor and everything's fine, but...
02:07Baby's a little bit bigger than expected.
02:09So, instead of having the baby in two weeks, like we thought, we're going to induce labor on Thursday.
02:15Thursday?! This Thursday?!
02:18You can't do that!
02:19What difference does it make? It's just six days sooner that our lives are over!
02:25Hell!
02:26And our new, more fulfilling lives begin.
02:30This stinks!
02:31I know this is being sprung on you very suddenly, and you all have a right to be a little upset.
02:37A little?!
02:38Don't push it.
02:39Hell, you know what? I've got an idea.
02:41Why don't you take the boys out tomorrow and do something fun?
02:45I could use the time alone anyway to straighten up the house before the baby comes.
02:49I can help you clean.
02:51Well, that'll take a little longer, but I guess I could use the company.
02:54Hey, there's a car show at the convention center.
02:57Yeah, let's spend the whole day looking at cool things that we'll never get to own.
03:01Oh, come on, Malcolm. If we only looked at stuff we could afford, all we'd ever see is crap!
03:06Don't be a party pooper. It'll be great!
03:11Festival of Brides? That's the lamest name for a car show I've ever heard.
03:15No, the car show was here last week.
03:18Let's get out of here.
03:19No, I just dropped 15 bucks on parking. We're going in!
03:23I know it's your fifth child, but still, you must be a little excited.
03:28Well, sure, every child's exciting.
03:31Not that you want to rush into something like that.
03:34Oh! Wow!
03:38You okay?
03:39Baby just started kicking like crazy.
03:42It's almost like something was upsetting.
03:44Mom!
03:45Are you gonna open the door? Or should I lie down in the grass and feed the worms?
03:55Oh, great. Who opened the gates of hell?
03:59Mom? This is a surprise. What are you doing here?
04:03I'm moving in.
04:07What do you mean you're moving in?
04:09You are family. You will take care of me.
04:12This is ridiculous. You have a condo. It's nicer than this house.
04:16It burned down.
04:18Mother, you can't just... How did your house burn down?
04:22It was the villagers, wasn't it?
04:24It's a mystery.
04:27Why don't you go stay at Susan's?
04:30She has four extra bedrooms and a satellite dish.
04:33Your sister should stick her head in a can of beans.
04:36What? She's always been your favorite.
04:39She's the only one you called when Dad died.
04:41She isn't my favorite anymore.
04:43She called me bitter.
04:45Dan, she hung up on me. On me!
04:49Or maybe I hung up on her. Who remembers?
04:53Either way, she's a rotten owl.
04:56Mother, we can't afford to put you up here.
04:59You can afford a maid.
05:01I'm not the maid, Ida. My name is Piyama.
05:05I'm married to Frances.
05:07Tell the help not to talk to me.
05:10Yahoo!
05:12Celebrate good times. Come on!
05:23It's a celebration.
05:26I know I haven't been everywhere, but I'm pretty sure this is the most boring place on earth.
05:31What are you talking about, Reese?
05:34Do you know what kind of craftsmanship goes into these lace veils, huh?
05:39So, Dad, I was wondering, do you have any kind of savings put away?
05:55I don't have to tell your mother that one.
05:57No, I'm serious.
05:59What if something came up? Like a big, unexpected expense?
06:03Are you prepared for something like that?
06:05Don't worry about that stuff. Some things have a way of taking care of themselves.
06:09But...
06:10Come on! You boys are young. You're at a bridal expo.
06:14You should be having the time of your lives.
06:19Dewey?
06:21Dewey!
06:22What are those wires for?
06:23You see that big spotlight up there?
06:25I'm in charge of that puppy. You like it?
06:28I really do.
06:30I'd like to tell you a little story.
06:39Are you gonna let her get away with this?
06:43You are, aren't you?
06:44She's my mother.
06:45You know the way I am around her.
06:48Okay, if that's what you want.
06:50That woman being one of the first people your new baby sees when it comes into this world.
06:55Smiling down at it.
06:58Cradling it in her arms.
07:00You're right. She's gotta go.
07:04Mom, there's something important that I have to tell you.
07:09What is it?
07:11You are a horrible mother!
07:16You've always been a horrible mother!
07:18My whole childhood, you'd bully me and ignore me and trivialize my feelings and do nothing but heap praise on my sister until I felt like I was worthless in comparison.
07:28Well, now she's worthless.
07:30I've got a right to change my mind.
07:32But just because your sister disgusts me more than you do doesn't give you the right to talk to me like this.
07:40I will talk to you any damn way I would, you hateful old woman!
07:45You are leaving!
07:47Wow!
07:48I don't know how he finally summoned the strength to do that, but it feels great!
07:53No, I'm not asking you.
07:55I'm telling you!
07:56Get out of my house!
07:59No.
08:04What?
08:05You heard me, I said no.
08:08What do you mean no?
08:09You don't have any choice!
08:11What are you gonna do?
08:13Pick me up and troll me out?
08:15Are you gonna toss an old woman out into the street?
08:19In front of your neighbors?
08:22Sounds good to me.
08:24You brought this on yourself, you old monster.
08:28You have no idea how good this makes me...
08:30Aaaahhh!
08:31Oh!
08:38Oh!
08:41Oh!
08:42Oh!
08:43Oh!
08:44Oh!
08:49Attention, ladies and gentlemen, it's your clucky day.
08:57Chicken dance lessons are being given every ten minutes at the Fielding Dance Academy Pavilion.
09:04Excuse me? Can I talk to you for a second?
09:11Hey, can you get me a piece of the flour?
09:14I'm talking to an actual customer right now.
09:16I'm a customer.
09:17Yeah?
09:18Are you getting married?
09:20Why does somebody like me?
09:22Hey, what are you, about five, seven?
09:24Yeah.
09:25Perfect. I own a tuck shop. One of my models didn't show up.
09:28I'll give you 20 bucks if you walk around the floor in a tux and pass out my card.
09:32Buzz off!
09:3320 bucks? He'll do it.
09:35Need anybody my size?
09:38It's very simple.
09:40You just walk up to somebody, get down on one knee, hand them one of my cards, and say,
09:45I propose that you get your tuxedo from Wojodubukowski's.
09:50No problem.
09:55Everyone around the world, come on!
10:00I think the accordion is really underrated.
10:06Yes!
10:07Yes, it is!
10:09Yahoo!
10:09What are you doing today at 316?
10:13Hey, sir, how about some cake?
10:19Sure.
10:21Can I have a piece with a flower?
10:22No.
10:23You get one with a flower.
10:26And a little lemon bee on it.
10:27Mom, wake up.
10:35Take the children.
10:36Just let me live.
10:38Remember, I didn't want to do this.
10:40Do what?
10:42That's the police.
10:43You see what you've driven me to?
10:45I've actually called the police on my own mother.
10:48They're here to cart you away.
10:50How could you do this to me?
10:54After everything I've done for you, we're family, for God's sake!
10:58Good.
10:59You're here.
11:00That's them.
11:01Get them out of here.
11:03What?
11:03They've been stealing from me.
11:05I want them out of my house.
11:07Wait a minute.
11:08No, this is my house.
11:10Folks, let's just slow down.
11:11I have the deed.
11:13It's in the safety deposit box at the Valley Federal Bank, number 24866.
11:19You can check.
11:19No, I have the deed.
11:22It's in a shoebox.
11:25It's under my bed.
11:27Well, I don't know where it is, but this is my house.
11:31You devious, ungrateful girl.
11:33She's done nothing but life since the day I took her in.
11:37And her big boyfriend thinks he's so tough.
11:41How tough is it to hit an old woman?
11:45You dirty old...
11:47This is what she does.
11:50You have to stop her!
11:51You have to stop her!
11:53As I was saying, she is a very clever woman.
11:58And if you knew her, as I do, you too would be suspicious of her story.
12:02And on Monday, when the bank opens, whoever actually has the deed can go get it.
12:08Then you apply for a court order, and the whole thing should be straightened out in six to eight months.
12:14You can get up now, sir.
12:16And if you hurt a single hair on that old lady's head, I'll be back.
12:25Off duty.
12:26Pass the horse.
12:47You think that bothers me?
13:01Guess why your soup tasted different when you came back from bathroom?
13:09Ugh!
13:09There has to be some way to get rid of her.
13:13Well, we know she doesn't burn.
13:14Let's just face it, we're stuck with her.
13:17You can't give up.
13:19You can totally do this.
13:20I'm sorry, I just don't know what to do.
13:23She's too powerful.
13:25Every monster has its weakness.
13:27Frankenstein has fire.
13:29Dracula the cross.
13:31There has to be something that Grandma's afraid of.
13:33So, what would you like me to do for you?
13:41Well, it's, uh, it's kind of hard to say, Abe.
13:46Um, it has to do with my mother.
13:49Oh, I know about mothers.
13:51Every time mine comes over to Sunday dinner, she always brings that pecan pie with real whipped cream.
13:57And she knows that's my one weakness.
13:59Our grandma's kind of like that, except she's a wrinkled sack of hatred kept alive only by the will to destroy.
14:06We just want her out of the house, and she refuses to leave.
14:11And I had this idea.
14:15You see, she's a horrible bigot.
14:19I mean, she's terrified of...
14:23black people.
14:25Oh.
14:26What do you want me to...
14:29Oh, I see.
14:34Because I'm...
14:36You want me to...
14:40Well, I suppose I...
14:43Really?
14:46I do it, but I'm not dark enough.
14:49I just annoy her.
14:50And then I said...
15:02Orange, you glad I didn't say banana?
15:06Ha ha ha ha!
15:08Hey!
15:10I found these in the trash.
15:12Can we discuss this later? I'm with friends.
15:15Give me the tux.
15:15What?
15:18No!
15:19I like this tux.
15:21It's mine.
15:22It's not yours.
15:23Now give it back, or I'll call security.
15:25Hey!
15:26I'm over there!
15:28Hey, you...
15:29Hey!
15:30Tell me which one you like.
15:32Be honest.
15:33Dad, I just want to know.
15:34Do you have any kind of financial plan at all?
15:37Any plan about anything?
15:38Malcolm, I'm telling you for the last time.
15:40Stop worrying about money.
15:41Hey, I do your taxes.
15:43I know what you and Mom make.
15:45I know how much you're spending,
15:46and I have a pretty good idea what it costs to have a baby.
15:49You guys are going to be at least 70 bucks in the hole every month.
15:52By the time the baby starts school,
15:54you're going to be $18,000 in debt,
15:57and that's where they'll cut you off.
15:59You're going to be bankrupt and ruined.
16:01Something will come up.
16:02You can't keep saying that.
16:04Fine.
16:05I'm a failure as a father.
16:07I'm a terrible provider.
16:08Is that what you want to hear?
16:09No.
16:12But I have a way to fix it.
16:15What's this?
16:17It's from the Martindale Academy.
16:21It's this amazing prep school.
16:24But it's in London.
16:26They're offering me a complete scholarship.
16:30Tuition, housing, everything.
16:32If I'm not home, you just might make it.
16:39I'm totally willing to do it.
16:41But Malcolm, you're our only hope.
16:52Hold this.
16:53Sure.
16:54Let me explain something to you.
16:56Whenever your mother or I say something will come up
17:00or things will work out,
17:01that is our code for Malcolm will think of something.
17:05But we need you.
17:06The family is only a family as long as we all stick together.
17:10Where's Dewey?
17:23Ladies and gentlemen,
17:24if you'll please turn your attention to the man with the balloon
17:27and listen to the following heart-wrenching story.
17:32Hello, my name is Dewey.
17:39And the man with the balloon is my father, Hal.
17:43Dewey?
17:45Where are you?
17:46See, I'm the youngest of four kids.
17:49And I always get the short end of everything.
17:52I've never had a hot shower or a bed to myself.
17:58And I'm the third person to wear this underwear.
18:01And yet, I've never complained.
18:04Dewey?
18:05What is this about?
18:07Even when my parents decided to have another baby,
18:11I was happy to share what little I have.
18:15And then they told me they were inducing labor.
18:18And they picked a really interesting day to do it.
18:23Do you remember what day you picked, Dad?
18:27Dewey?
18:28What day did you pick, Dad?
18:31It's Thursday!
18:32Now just come down from wherever you are!
18:36Of all the days you could have picked,
18:39you chose this Thursday.
18:41Anything interesting about Thursday, Dad?
18:44Will you stop this?
18:46Anything at all you can think of
18:48that might be happening this Thursday?
18:52Okay, Dewey, what is the big deal about Thursday?
18:56It's my birthday.
19:02It is not you...
19:05Oh, God!
19:07Well, ladies and gentlemen,
19:12that's the story of the little boy who lost his birthday.
19:18If you have any thoughts or comments,
19:20my dad would love to hear them.
19:22This would be a good time for one of those ideas we were talking about.
19:29I've got nothing.
19:32Thank you so much for coming over.
19:34I know, this is a little weird.
19:36Actually, I'm kind of excited.
19:38This is kind of like when I did Spoon River Anthology in college.
19:43Do we have to hear that story again?
19:45We sold out to both shows.
19:54Four pillows on one bed.
19:57This is why you can't feed your children.
19:59Oh, hi, Mom.
20:06I'd like you to meet some of our friends.
20:08This is Brian, and this is Abe.
20:11Nice to meet you, ma'am.
20:14If you'll excuse me,
20:16I need to use your toilet.
20:19I've been telling Abe all about you.
20:25Welcome
20:25to the hood.
20:30Yo, yo.
20:32Getting all
20:33jiggly with it.
20:38Representing
20:40Can't touch this, Abe.
20:46Hello?
20:52Everybody decent?
20:54I used my spare key to get in.
20:57I hope you don't mind.
20:58That's why you have it.
21:00So you can come over anytime you want.
21:03Mom, these are our neighbors.
21:05Steve lives next door.
21:07Malik is on the other side.
21:09And Trey lives across the street.
21:12Why, Lois,
21:13you make it sound like you're
21:14surrounded.
21:16You make it sound like you're
21:17dead.
21:18Allow me.
21:32Well, hello.
21:35And who is this fine lady?
21:38So what you doing later on?
21:40Because I like
21:44that wagon you drag.
21:47Mom!
22:00Where are you going?
22:01I can't believe you live like this.
22:04I would rather sleep in a bus station
22:06or a dumpster.
22:08Well, there's obviously nothing I can do
22:10to change your mind,
22:12but I'm heartbroken.
22:13You only just got here.
22:15I...
22:16What's wrong, good deal?
22:19Nothing.
22:22Everything is perfectly fine.
22:24Francis, you have to listen very carefully.
22:31I'm having a contraction.
22:32I'm going into labor.
22:34What?
22:34I have to get to the hospital.
22:36And you have got to get your grandmother
22:38out of here now.
22:41Come on, Ida.
22:42Let me help you.
22:42Don't you have rain dance to do?
22:45Bye, Mom.
22:46Great to see you.
22:48Have a safe trip.
22:49Don't forget to call us
22:50whenever you get to...
22:53wherever!
22:54Good.
23:01Maybe I'll stay
23:03a few more minutes.
23:15Well, Dewey,
23:16I hope you're happy.
23:17I thought I would be,
23:18but not this much.
23:20Let's find Reese and get out of here.
23:23Why's my cell phone off?
23:2768 messages?
23:29The contraction started at 327.
23:32Oh, this one can't tell time.
23:37Hello?
23:39Oh, hello, Hal.
23:41Oh, no, I'm fine.
23:44No, honey, I don't want you
23:45to get too excited,
23:47but I think you should come home now
23:48because I'm...
23:49Well, I'm...
23:50I'm having the baby.
23:53What?
23:54Okay, well, just stay calm, too.
23:58Yeah, getting worked up
23:59will only accelerate things.
24:01Hey, just relax.
24:02Do your breathing.
24:04Where the hell is Reese?
24:05What's wrong?
24:06Your mom is having the baby now!
24:08See?
24:08Was that so hard?
24:10Oh, Hal, I don't want you to panic.
24:14You drive safely.
24:16There's no reason to rush.
24:18Rush?
24:19Come on, you know me better than that.
24:22Find your brother!
24:24So, I'm just gonna make myself some tea
24:27and relax until you get here.
24:29Good idea.
24:30You know, chamomile always relaxes me.
24:32Reese!
24:33Damn it, Reese!
24:34Where are you?!
24:35I'm thinking of taking 6th Street home.
24:37You want me to stop
24:38and pick up some ice cream?
24:39Where are you?!
24:40Over here!
24:43Reese!
24:44I'm inside the giant violin case!
24:46Damn it!
24:47Get him out of there!
24:50So, is that a yes on the ice cream?
24:52No, I'm fine.
24:53Just come on home.
24:54Carefully!
24:57Sure thing.
24:58Honey, can you hold on a second?
24:59Hey, what are you doing?!
25:04Boys, run!
25:09The boys send their love, too!
25:11Hey!
25:12Hey, you!
25:12Come back here!
25:13Your kid ran off of my $600 tuxedo!
25:16No!
25:16We're just pulling out of the garage right now.
25:18Got it on the oldie station.
25:20They're doing the Beatles A to Z.
25:22Can you think of a Beatles song that starts with Z?
25:24Because, frankly, I can't.
25:26Hal, you sound funny.
25:28Is everything okay?
25:30Yeah, just turning on the maple.
25:34Hey, the gas station by the church stopped selling diesel.
25:43Ow!
25:45Shotgun!
25:49Wow, honey, you wouldn't believe the huge pothole we just went over.
25:53Let's go, Dad!
25:56I can't find the keys!
25:58Where the hell are the keys?!
26:00Where the hell are the keys?!
26:01I got them!
26:02Now let's go!
26:06Woo!
26:07Ow!
26:09Honey, can I call you back?
26:10Bye.
26:11проверь!
26:12Hey!
26:15Hey!
26:24Yeah!
26:25We have to go!
26:26Okay, everybody.
26:27Okay, let's go.
26:29We have to go.