Malcolm In The Middle Season 4 Episode 21 Baby Pt 2
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00:00I just dropped 15 bucks on parking. We're going in.
00:03Baby just started kicking like crazy.
00:06It's almost like something was upsetting.
00:10Mom, I'm moving in.
00:13Everybody decent?
00:15Yeah, I'm having a contraction. I'm going to get to labor.
00:17What?
00:18Yeah, I have to get to the hospital.
00:20It's got it on the oldie station. They're doing a Beatles A to Z.
00:24So I'm just going to make myself some tea and relax until you get here.
01:00Now, you're not the boss of me now, and you're not so big.
01:08Life is unfair.
01:10Ah! These contractions are coming so close together!
01:21Ah!
01:22Ah!
01:23Ah!
01:24Lois, you have to stop doing that. You are really freaking me out.
01:30We can't wait for hell anymore. We've got to go to the hospital now!
01:36Go where?
01:37You really think you're ever going to see your husband again?
01:40Mom!
01:41He's a man!
01:42Isn't he?
01:43He's out his way, would you? What's he need to stick around for?
01:47Look, if you're not going to have the decency to choke on the fumes of your own bile, can
01:51you at least take your poison over to Aunt Susan's?
01:53Did she ask me to come? Did she call you? No!
01:57No, of course not. She only wants to see me suffer.
02:01Can you imagine how she's laughing at me, knowing that now I'm stuck with you as my favorite?
02:08Doc, Doc! Lois! I need to borrow a coat hanger. I dropped my sandwich underneath my purse seat.
02:18What's going on here?
02:19Lois is in labor and Hal's not here.
02:22I have dreamed of this moment. Here's what we're going to do. I'm going to carry you in my arms to my van.
02:32I have one of the three original sirens from Starsky and Hutch. I can make that trip in seven minutes flat.
02:39You're talking crazy!
02:41There were only two sirens used in the entire series and they're both in the Smithsonian.
02:46Au contraire. There were four sirens. I have one of the sirens.
02:51Oh, Hal, where are you?
02:54Let's go! Your mother's in labor. We just wasted 45 minutes in the security office.
03:00Just our luck, we get a rent-a-cop trying to make sergeant.
03:04I think he made you pee in that jar just because he could.
03:07You boys have really outdone yourselves this time.
03:10Now, I'm going to take your mom to the hospital and I'm not going to hear one word out of any of you until we come back with a baby.
03:21Okay, Dr. Kerr's going to meet you at the hospital. The guys are packing your bag and Craig is cleaning out his car to make room for you.
03:30Two more trips and we're good to go. We're ready.
03:34What are you doing with all those suitcases?
03:39I told you she didn't need both sundresses.
03:43Hey, don't look at me. When I fly, I take one carry-on. That's it.
03:47I'm ready to go to the hospital.
03:52What? You're not going to the hospital.
03:55I'm not going. You're not going.
03:59You want to go to the hospital so bad? I'll send you to the hospital.
04:03I'll send you to the hospital.
04:05Nobody's going to the hospital.
04:08It's too late. Somebody call the paramedics. I'm having the baby here.
04:16Boys, call me a taxi and then call Dr. Kerr. Let him know your mom's in labor. He's in the book. Then call AAA.
04:26Dad, calm down.
04:28I will not calm down.
04:32Hello? Hello? Oh, hello, Lois?
04:37Sir, stop moving. What's going on?
04:43My wife's at home and she's having our baby right now. I have to get home to her.
04:49She's having the baby at home?
04:51Sir, you're not going anywhere in the shape you're in. Give him 10 milligrams of diazepam.
04:56Let me out of here. I'm fine.
05:00Wait, what is that? What is that? What does that do?
05:05I have to get home to her. Give him 10 more. I want him immobilized.
05:21Why don't you boys come with me? We have all sorts of fun magazines in the waiting area.
05:30You like highlights? You like goofus and gallant?
05:36We don't want to read stupid magazines. Our mom is having a baby.
05:39I'm sure she's being very well taken care of and so is your father.
05:43So there's nothing for you boys to do but relax and wait for someone to come and get you.
05:49But we have to do something. This is all our fault.
05:53You're obviously very upset, young men. And frankly, I have no idea how to deal with you.
05:59That's why I'm not in pediatrics.
06:01Now, let's go into the waiting room like I told you.
06:07If you don't want to look at magazines, I'm sure there's a chair you can spin around in.
06:14Oh my god, where's this woman?
06:21Where's my crippler's mind?
06:23Let's get her to the van! Let's get her in there! Let's go!
06:26Move it! Move it! Move it!
06:28Alright, alright, alright!
06:29Tell them three! Tell them three!
06:31One, two, three!
06:33That was like moving a concert grand.
06:39Just relax, Mom. The Paramax will be here soon and then Lois to do.
06:43Don't worry, Lois. I just Googled the word baby. Here we go.
06:47Twenty-eight million matches. There ought to be something useful in there.
06:51Craig, get off that thing. We don't need it. Trace the doctor.
06:55Oh no, Lois. I'm a dentist.
06:58But you have medical training, don't you?
07:00Yes, but I took up dentistry specifically because...
07:04Well, that area down there, when I look at it, I get giggly.
07:11I just do. Since high school.
07:14Oh, for God's sakes! I doubt I'm the only one.
07:20The paramedics are... Oh!
07:22Hi, is Malcolm home?
07:24No, and we're in the...
07:25I just need to use his notes for my bio-cam homework.
07:28This really isn't a good time.
07:30You don't say hello to your own grandmother?
07:33I'm not Malcolm. We've been through this before.
07:37Oh, God! The baby is pressing down so hard on my cervix!
07:44Well, good. Looks like everything's under control here.
07:47Pyam and I are gonna head out back to the ranch.
07:50What are you talking about?
07:52Nothing! You think I'm running away?
07:54You think being here when my own mother gives birth is making me so intensely uncomfortable I've made up a fake excuse to leave?
08:03That is not even a tiny bit true.
08:05Okay, clothes for babies, names for babies, truck drivers dressed like...
08:11Excuse me, can somebody help me find Malcolm's bio-chem notes?
08:16I need them to do my assignment.
08:18Get out of here, Lloyd! I'm in labor! I'm about to give birth!
08:25It's a really important assignment.
08:28We are the worst kids in the world. Mom was right.
08:34We really are evil little trolls who have absolutely no consideration for anything but ourselves.
08:42And destroy everything we come in contact with.
08:45And we're lucky if we don't end up in prison or dead.
08:49Here's what we're gonna do. There's a class that starts here in ten minutes.
08:54It's all about how to be parents and newborn babies.
08:58We're gonna take it.
08:59What are you talking about?
09:00We're gonna learn how to help out.
09:02We're gonna learn how to be good for once.
09:04Alright!
09:05Yeah, this baby's not gonna get dropped on his head all the time.
09:09Yeah!
09:11What?
09:13Take a deep breath and blow it out like you're blowing out a candle.
09:19Oh my god! I thought my fingers were gonna explode!
09:28Way to breathe through it!
09:30Hey! Hey! I found something!
09:32There's been a slight increase in the incidence of babies born with a tail.
09:39I wonder if that makes it easier to tell when they're happy.
09:42Where the hell are those paramedics?
09:45They'll be here any second.
09:47Steve called them ten minutes ago.
09:54Yeah, that's right.
09:56That's what I did ten minutes ago.
10:02So, when'd you get those wallpapers, you dude?
10:04Seriously?
10:05Love them.
10:06I really love them.
10:07So anyway, we just feel awful.
10:09That's why we really want to take this class.
10:11Oh my god, you should feel awful.
10:14You're horrible children!
10:16That's our point.
10:18Well, I suppose everyone deserves another chance.
10:24Alright, you can take the class.
10:26Thank you!
10:27Oh yes!
10:28When your milk duct is blocked, it's called mastitis.
10:32It's important that you let your baby suck the obstruction out of the breast.
10:37And don't be alarmed if the baby then vomits up a cottage cheese type substance.
10:42Now, join me over here.
10:45Like I needed another reason to hate cottage cheese.
10:49I've been kind of zoning in and out here.
10:52But did she just say milk comes out of those things?
10:55Reese, that's what they're for.
10:58My god!
11:00Women are the cows of people!
11:02I'm coming, boys!
11:12I'm coming, boys!
11:17I'm coming, boys!
11:30I'm coming, boys!
11:40I'm coming, boys!
11:45I'm coming, boys!
11:47I'm coming!
11:50I'm coming, boys!
11:52I'm coming!
11:55I'm coming, boys!
11:57I'm coming!
11:59I'm-
12:17I'm coming...
12:20...loss
12:29Here, I brought some towels to put under your knees.
12:33Oh, Piyama, don't use the good towels.
12:36What does she know about towels? Her people dry themselves off by throwing dirt on their backs.
12:44Thank you, Piyama. Thank you very much.
12:50I'm sure the paramedics will come get you very soon.
12:54And before they do, there's something I want you to know.
13:00Your father had a second family.
13:04What?
13:05This slutty cocktail waitress in Manitoba.
13:09She was nothing but a pig.
13:11And the children that came out of her...
13:14What? Why are you telling me this now?
13:17In case you die, I don't want you thinking of him as a decent man.
13:21But don't tell your sister.
13:23Let her stew in her own ignorance.
13:27I only tell this to my favorite.
13:33What are you doing?
13:34Brutaline calms me down, okay?
13:36We're all trying to find ways to cope with this.
13:38Yes, Frances.
13:39I'm trying to cope with this pregnancy by giving birth!
13:44Excuse me.
13:46I'm working quietly.
13:48I'd appreciate it if you could work quietly, too.
13:55Gotta get out.
13:57I gotta get out.
13:59I gotta get out.
14:01Hey, how's it going?
14:03You gotta get me out of here.
14:05I don't belong in here.
14:06I have to get home.
14:08It's okay, little fella.
14:09You'll be fine.
14:11As long as someone claims you in the next six hours.
14:14Six hours?
14:15What happens then?
14:16Wait!
14:17What happens then?
14:19Oh, boys!
14:21Boys!
14:22Over here, pick me, pick me!
14:24Wow, look at this guy.
14:26That is the ugliest dog I've ever seen.
14:30What did he roll at?
14:32I'm gonna be sick.
14:34Oh, look at this one!
14:36No!
14:37No!
14:38No, please come back!
14:39Please, please, please!
14:40Can someone shut this yappy one up?
14:45That's right to me.
14:47Come back to daddy.
14:49Pick daddy.
14:51Can we take this one's collar and put it on the good one?
14:55Collar?
14:58What?
14:59No!
15:00No!
15:01No!
15:02No!
15:04No!
15:05No!
15:06No!
15:07No!
15:08No!
15:32My biggest fear is that I won't be a good big brother.
15:36Babies are born stupid and they're really counting on you.
15:40They'll touch stuff they shouldn't.
15:42They'll eat anything.
15:44I'd say half of all our Legos have been through this kid.
15:48Probably more.
15:53Can I get a new baby?
15:54I'm sorry.
15:55Can I get a new baby?
15:56No!
15:57I'm sorry!
15:58I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
15:59I'm sorry!
16:00I'm sorry!
16:01I'm sorry!
16:02I'm sorry!
16:03They say that childbirth is the most painful thing a person can go through.
16:08With a little light pancake, you could pass.
16:13You don't have to hang out with the other ones, you know.
16:18Okay, you know what?
16:20See, here's the thing, lady.
16:22We're better than you.
16:24Every one of us in every way.
16:26I'm smarter than you, more educated, and I contribute more to society.
16:31Lady, I have a family that loves me.
16:33I live in a big house, drive a nice car, and make more money in a year than you've probably made your whole lifetime.
16:42Big deal. So you're a drug dealer.
16:48Booga booga!
16:51Hell, where are you?
16:53Put the ice on it.
16:55Paramedics will be here any minute. Just hang on.
16:57I can't hang on. It doesn't work like that.
17:00This baby is coming now.
17:03Louis, you don't want to push till you're at least 10 centimeters dilated.
17:08Well, take a look if you want.
17:10Yeah.
17:13I'd be happy to look in your mouth.
17:15Do you know those animals are in your backyard right now, pacing back and forth like it's Africa?
17:23When this is my room, they don't come within 20 feet of the door.
17:27Oh, I can't believe she's here.
17:29I can't believe my sister picked now to have a fight with her.
17:36I can't believe I'm actually going to have to move into the boys' room.
17:39Calm down.
17:40Does your sister know your mom is dying?
17:44What are you talking about?
17:45Does your sister know your mother has a fatal disease that she's been hiding,
17:49and this might be her last chance to make peace with her mother, who's dying?
18:01White.
18:02Cream.
18:03Ready.
18:05Done.
18:06Yeah.
18:07Number one.
18:09In your face.
18:10We're just learning how to take care of our babies.
18:13That's loser talk.
18:15We're going to be the best big brothers ever.
18:18We ace diapering, and we totally own tub time.
18:21I'm so glad I memorized all the common household chemicals that can be poisonous to the baby.
18:28You know, all the stuff parents have to do,
18:31all the feedings and bathings and diaperings and safety stuff and scheduling,
18:37it just made me realize mom never did any of this.
18:43There's a bottle of this on her headboard.
18:45No wonder we turned out the way we did.
18:50Oh, six months, maybe a year.
18:54I'm going to need that computer.
18:55Not today, Squirt.
18:56Lois is about to have a baby, and I'm in charge of research.
19:01She's hot.
19:03I can't work with someone looking over my shoulder.
19:06Well, I'll see if I can find her.
19:08Mother, telephone!
19:11Is the border station going to return my rifle?
19:15Hello?
19:20Yes?
19:22Well, I'm glad to hear you say that.
19:25No, I'm fine.
19:27I'm here with you-know-who, and she's doing you-know-what again.
19:34Where are the paramedics?
19:47These contractions are too close to time.
19:50Francis, this baby's going to be born any minute.
19:53I want you to do something for me.
19:55What do you want me to do?
19:57I want you to deliver the baby.
19:59What?
20:01No.
20:01You can do it.
20:02You've done it before.
20:04You deliver barn animals all the time.
20:07You're not a barn animal.
20:08Francis, your father isn't here.
20:10You're the only person I trust.
20:12You don't even like me.
20:14But I love you, which is why you're going to do this.
20:18No.
20:19You can't make me.
20:21Francis.
20:22Your mother is asking for your help.
20:24Francis, you can do this.
20:27You know that you can.
20:31Now you're going to put your hands inside of Mommy and take out this baby.
20:36Oh, Lois.
20:48Oh, Lois.
20:51I finally found you.
20:57Oh, I missed the baby.
21:01It's okay.
21:02The baby is fine now.
21:04Honey, I'm the worst husband in the world.
21:12I can't believe how terrible I am.
21:21I can't believe I made you go through this alone.
21:26I wish I could have been there.
21:30You were there, Hal.
21:32I was.
21:35We're a part of each other.
21:38Wherever I go, you're there.
21:42You are always with me.
21:45I love you.
21:46Oh, my God.
22:08What is that man doing?
22:10What?
22:10Get that sicko off of her.
22:15What?
22:16Lois, are you?
22:17Someone call the police.
22:20Dad!
22:23Oh, my God.
22:25What the hell are you doing?
22:27Can you see the head?
22:37Not yet.
22:38You're not even looking.
22:40Is it starting to crown?
22:44Yes.
22:45That's good.
22:46That's good.
22:47God, I can't believe I'm looking at this.
22:50I'm going to die.
22:51If the head is completely crowning, it's okay to push.
23:00If anyone calls, I'll be at your sister's.
23:05No, don't worry.
23:07I'll let myself out.
23:09Come on, Lois.
23:12Come on.
23:15Ew.
23:17Ew.
23:18Ew.
23:18Ew.
23:19Ew.
23:19Ew.
23:20Ew.
23:23What was that?
23:30I got it.
23:33I got it.
23:35I got it.
23:37I got it.
23:38I got it.
23:39Yes.
23:41It's here.
23:45Put it on her chest.
23:51Hi, baby.
23:54Hi.
24:02Hi, baby.
24:03Oh, thank you, Francis.
24:09This is the nicest thing you've ever done for me.
24:13I am so proud of you.
24:21You can go vomit now.
24:23Well, is it a boy or a girl?
24:36It's a beautiful, healthy baby.
24:39I knew it.
24:41I knew it.
24:45I knew it.
24:49Hi there.
24:52I'm your mommy.
24:53Okay, so who's having the baby?
24:55I told you we shouldn't have stopped for coffee.
25:01Oh, I've forgotten how small they are.
25:07I forgot how good they smell.
25:11Okay, hand it over.
25:13It's 5.30.
25:14It's time for the baby sponge bath.
25:16Look how full this diaper is.
25:19When was the last time you changed it?
25:21Have you at least come up with a name yet?
25:25Yes.
25:27Jamie.
25:31It fits.
25:36We'll come back when your udders are ready.
26:08Bye-bye.
26:12Bye-bye.
26:13Bye-bye.