Frasier Season 4 Episode 4 A Crane's Critiqu E
Category
📺
TVTranscript
00:01Is it me or is the foam a tad dense today?
00:05Like a dreary fog on a Scottish moor.
00:09Rather than accent, it overwhelms.
00:12Rather than flirt, it assaults.
00:15Rather than watching the ball game, I have to listen to this.
00:21Hey, you guys.
00:22Hey, Ron.
00:24Oh, yes, Fraser, listen, don't forget your staff meeting tomorrow.
00:28It starts at...
00:32Well, I certainly hope his tailor can fix the two holes he just burnt in his jacket.
00:37They're not in his jacket.
00:41It starts tomorrow at 10.
00:44Hey, Marty, what are you doing here?
00:46Ah, they're dragging me out to buy some new clothes.
00:49We're taking him to Rodolfo's once-a-year sales.
00:52Fifty percent, Paul. The alterations are free.
00:54Big deal. Bud's clothing is, they do that every day.
00:57Yeah, it's not to mention the convenience of getting your Bigfoot pizza right next to him.
01:01Yeah.
01:02These guys think I have bad taste in clothes.
01:05Well, I like the way you dress.
01:07I believe that's what's called the clincher. Shall we go?
01:10All right, well, I'll just hit the head and we can get it over with.
01:15Dad, you could show a little more enthusiasm, huh?
01:18Okay.
01:19Gee, I can't wait to hit the head and we can get it all over with.
01:28Are you quite finished undressing him with your eyes?
01:31Oh, please. I'm already looking for my stockings and trying to remember where I part my car.
01:38All right, I would have thought that the gentleman over there in the final shirt would be more of your type.
01:43Him? Oh, not a chance.
01:46See the way he's slurping his orange juice? Sloppy kisser.
01:51Now, you can tell right away the guy is no good in bed. He's so cautious.
01:56Look at the way he's blowing on his coffee.
01:58I wasn't trying to cool it. I was simply blowing a foam hole.
02:14You don't even wrinkle the sheets, do you?
02:19A man across the street at the newsstand. Is that who I think it is?
02:24He does look familiar. It's T.H. Houghton.
02:28No.
02:29Just think back to the picture on the dust cover of Mrs. Time Flies Tomorrow.
02:33A little older, grayer.
02:34The Time Flies Tomorrow? I read that in high school.
02:38What else did he write?
02:39Nothing. That's the crux of his entire legend.
02:42See, the man published one masterpiece and then the 30 years since he's become a virtual recluse.
02:47Oh, my God. It is T.H. Houghton.
02:50We are a stone's throw away from one of the giants of American literature.
02:54Not the way you throw.
02:57Well, now, this is incredible.
03:00My God, the man's entire life is shrouded in mystery.
03:03There he is.
03:04I've always idolized him, but I wouldn't give to meet that man.
03:08Well, why don't you go up and introduce yourself?
03:10Oh, I can't just walk up to a god like that.
03:13Well, then find a subtler way.
03:14In your vernacular, that would be what? To slingshot your panties across the street?
03:20Thumb blower.
03:22Oh, my God.
03:26Well, she happens to be right.
03:28How often do you get an opportunity like this? Come on. Let's go.
03:31All right.
03:33Dad, come on. We're going.
03:35Come on. What's the rush?
03:36T.H. Houghton is across the street.
03:37Who?
03:38Come on. Let's go.
03:39Hey! Guy with a cane here!
03:41Niles, I thought you said you saw Houghton come in here.
03:55Well, I'm sorry if my tracking skills aren't up to your standard.
03:59Perhaps instead of asking for a baby brother, you should have asked for a German short-haired pointer.
04:05I did.
04:08Oh, I'm sorry.
04:09He must still be out on the street. Let's go.
04:12I'm parking in here. They got the Mariners game on.
04:15Dad, Dad, please. We can't waste time.
04:16Oh, let him be. He's dead weight.
04:18Right.
04:24What's the score?
04:2543 Mariners.
04:29Oh!
04:31How could he miss the cutoff, man?
04:33Can you believe that man makes 7 billion a year?
04:35That's crazy.
04:36Yeah.
04:37See him scratching his butt?
04:38It's about five grand right there.
04:42Let me have a valentine.
04:43Yeah, make it two.
04:44Oh!
04:52So that's your favorite character?
04:54Really?
04:55Yeah.
04:56Yeah.
04:57Yeah, I really like him, you know.
04:58He's the kind of guy you can just sit and have a beer with.
05:01Well, I could see you saying that about horse, but...
05:04Little Joe?
05:06Well, that's the great thing about Bonanza.
05:08There's something for everyone.
05:10Oh, thank you, Mr. False Alarm.
05:15Oh, look!
05:16There he is over in the yogurt store!
05:18Oh, look!
05:19There he is in the futon store!
05:21Oh, look!
05:22There he is with Dad!
05:25And now he's leaving.
05:27I must tell him what an impact his book has made on my life.
05:30Aren't you afraid it'll sound just a bit unoriginal?
05:31Why?
05:32Because I'm going to say it first.
05:34Excuse me, let's hear something.
05:35I just wanted to tell you that...
05:38My book changed your life.
05:40That's swell.
05:41No, no, but...
05:42It changed mine, too.
05:43Look, I'm sorry.
05:44I don't like to discuss my work.
05:50Well, that was humiliating.
05:53Never felt so rejected in my life.
05:55No, no, don't take it so hard.
05:57Who has to know he was so sensitive?
05:59Hey, aren't you Dr. Frasier Crane?
06:01No, no, I haven't got the time, sorry.
06:05Dad.
06:06Dad, do you realize who you were just talking to?
06:07That was T. H. Houghton.
06:08Yeah, I know.
06:10Well, what did you two talk about?
06:13Oh, I don't know, this and that.
06:15Dad, virtually nothing is known about this man.
06:19Can't you give us something specific?
06:21Well, just guy stuff, you know?
06:23Baseball, TV shows, all war stories.
06:26You told war stories?
06:27No, I did.
06:28You know, about the time I made the stew and the platoon got sick.
06:32Dad.
06:33How could you?
06:34What?
06:35He liked it.
06:36Oh, he's a nice guy.
06:37I think maybe I'll buy one of his books.
06:39Not books, Dad.
06:41Book.
06:43Book.
06:45He wrote one book and never wrote again.
06:48Well, if only we'd arrived ten minutes earlier, we could have been talking to him.
06:52Could have explored that mammoth intellect.
06:54Oh, God.
06:55Can you imagine the torture the man's endured to a peak at such an early age?
07:00Oh, my God, Frasier, look.
07:02It's a doodle.
07:03Oh, just any doodle.
07:04That's a Houghton doodle.
07:05It's mine.
07:06No, it's mine.
07:07It's mine.
07:08Dad, what do you care?
07:09No, I mean, I drew it.
07:15Well, that's very touching.
07:16Here, now, this is for you.
07:17Bye-bye.
07:18I don't know when I've enjoyed an exhibit more.
07:24The artist's choice to make that still life a monochrome was a stroke of genius.
07:28It conveyed such despair.
07:30Yes.
07:31It was so refreshing to see a sad peach.
07:36How about that curator?
07:37Oh, it's kind of a peach herself, wasn't it?
07:40No cubism there, I don't...
07:45Hey, boys.
07:46Oh, Ted, uh, Ted, I'd like you to meet my sons.
07:51This is Frasier and Niles, the big fans of yours.
07:54Hi, guys.
07:55Mr. Houghton, uh, we, uh, uh, words can't express.
08:01I guess not.
08:06Nice meeting you folks.
08:09Oh, my God, we missed them again.
08:14What's going on?
08:15Well, that's odd.
08:16Um, so where are you two going?
08:20Oh, Ted's taking me out to this bratwurst place he knows.
08:23Bratwurst?
08:24Mmm, yummy.
08:25My God, that's our favorite.
08:27Nice meeting you.
08:33What's wrong with this thing?
08:35It could be broken.
08:36Well, maybe if you came into the apartment, we'll call down to the front desk.
08:39No.
08:40I'm sure it'll work this time.
08:50What the hell was he doing here?
08:54We might know if you hadn't spent an hour pondering the despair of the peach.
08:59This is for the man who spent 30 minutes looking at a woman with a rectangular head.
09:06Oh, was Mrs. Foster in the lobby again?
09:08No, Daphne.
09:10Could you explain to me just how T.H. Houghton ended up in my apartment?
09:17Well, he's only in town for a couple of days, and he doesn't know too many people, so he looked your father up, gave him a ring, and Mr. Crane invited him over to watch the Mariners game.
09:29He was here all afternoon?
09:31Yes.
09:32Oh, it's a shame you couldn't be here, because he told the most fascinating stories.
09:39And, of course, he and your father are getting on like old chums.
09:43But the sweetest thing was how he took to Eddie.
09:50He spent time with Eddie.
09:53But in his afternoon biscuit.
09:55Will the madness never end?
09:56Well, Daphne, now, let's not give up hope.
09:59Maybe Dad will bring him back to the apartment after dinner.
10:02Oh, well, I doubt it.
10:04They'll probably run into J.D. Salinger and Salman Rushdie.
10:08Go out for margaritas.
10:12So, you know, these near misses, they're just excruciating.
10:17There you go, Mr. Houghton.
10:19You're welcome.
10:23Was that him?
10:24Yes.
10:25He forgot his coat.
10:26Me, Blaine!
10:33We missed him again.
10:35Don't you dare gloat, you miserable little biscuit whore.
10:41Don't you dare gloat, you miserable little biscuit whore.
10:44You're welcome.
10:45You're welcome.
11:00Thanks, Sadie.
11:01Have a good night, Sadie.
11:18Good afternoon, Debbie.
11:19Hello.
11:21Good dog.
11:25Oh, Dr Craig.
11:27It's a good thing you're home.
11:29Mr Houghton's dropping by to pick up your father for the Mariners game.
11:33Are you serious? He's coming back?
11:35Yes, any minute.
11:36It's a double-header.
11:39They play two games.
11:41Oh, right.
11:45But this is an incredibly good fortune for me.
11:48I'll finally get to spend some time alone with the man, even just a few minutes.
11:54Debbie, be a dear and stall, Dad, will you?
11:57If he gives you any trouble, just hide his cane.
12:02Linus!
12:04Well, for two hours of timing, um...
12:06You know, the wine shop just called a moment ago.
12:08They're down at their last two cases of the 82 Chambol Moussigny.
12:11So why don't you dash right down there before somebody stabs it all up?
12:14Monsieur!
12:16Hold it.
12:22You know very well that in 1982 there was a drought in Burgonia.
12:29The locals dubbed it the year of the raisin.
12:31And that wine was never sold by the case, only by the bottle.
12:42T.H. Houghton is here, isn't he?
12:46No.
12:48Fine. Then you won't mind if I just hang around for a while.
12:52Oh, all right. He's on his way.
12:55Me and Dad are going to a baseball game.
12:58It's a doubleheader.
13:00They play two games.
13:06Hi, Niles.
13:08Oh, Dad. So I hear that Mr. Houghton's on his way over.
13:10Maybe we could all have lunch before you head off.
13:13Well, that's a splendid idea.
13:14Nah, the game starts in 45 minutes.
13:17Well, then perhaps you could come by after the game for a drink.
13:19Nah, sorry. That won't work either.
13:22He's got to go to his publishers, drop off his new book.
13:27Oh, it was a new book?
13:29I've lost the feeling in my legs.
13:30Well, did he say anything about it? The characters? The setting?
13:41No, I just said it was a book.
13:43Dad!
13:45You have to skip the game.
13:47It's not just for our benefit.
13:49After all this baseball, the man must be starved for intellectual stimulation.
13:52Oh, I know what you're saying.
13:54That someone like Dad would have to prefer to spend time with you instead of some dumb bell like me.
13:58Dad, you're not dumb. You missed the point entirely.
14:01Look, let's just say, for example, you came home one afternoon and I was sitting here discussing literature with, uh, I don't know, give me the name of a baseball player.
14:11Daryl Strawberry.
14:13No, a real one.
14:16Frazier, the problem is you push too hard.
14:19We just talk sports, have a few laughs, that's all.
14:23You know, I never ask him about his work.
14:25That's probably why he told me about the book.
14:33Mr. Houghton.
14:34Hello.
14:35Hi, how you doing?
14:36Hey, Ted, come out in.
14:37Marty.
14:39So, you two boys are off to the baseball game, huh?
14:43Double header.
14:45That's two games.
14:46Little known fact about baseball.
14:47Uh, the owner of the Boston Red Sox sold Babe Ruth to the New York Yankees to finance a Broadway musical, No No Nanette.
15:03No No Nanette.
15:09You ready, Marty?
15:10Let's go.
15:13Well, I really enjoyed chatting with you.
15:16If we could drop back by after the game, we could pick up where we left off at the...
15:19No, no Nanette.
15:20I'm sorry, there were exactly two things I could possibly add to a baseball conversation.
15:33That and...
15:35No, just the one.
15:36Frasier?
15:43Yes?
15:45Have you noticed how Houghton always carries a satchel with him wherever he goes?
15:50Well, actually, as a matter of fact, I have, yes.
15:53And didn't Dad mention that Houghton was on his way to his publishers after the game with the new manuscript?
15:59Yes.
16:01And wouldn't that be the very same satchel which is now resting under my head?
16:07Oh, my God!
16:10Wait!
16:12Should we?
16:14We shouldn't.
16:16Could we live with ourselves if we did?
16:18Could we live with ourselves if we didn't?
16:20Could we live with ourselves either way?
16:22Oh, stop it, Niles!
16:23Oh, who are we kidding, all right?
16:30Oh!
16:42The Chameleon's Song by T. H. Houghton.
16:47Oh!
16:49These are handwritten corrections.
16:52Frasier, this is his original manuscript.
16:56Shame on you!
16:57Going through someone else's personal property?
17:01Well, it's just plain wrong.
17:03And I know your father wouldn't approve.
17:05Of course, I wouldn't be here to tell him if I had the day off.
17:09Fine, go.
17:10Great.
17:11Of course, having a day off is pretty meaningless when you have no money to, you know, maybe go to lunch or do some shopping, perhaps take in a show.
17:32Oh, thanks!
17:33All right, Niles, shall we?
17:34Uh, not yet.
17:35The atmosphere has to be absolutely perfect.
17:36Good point.
17:37Yes.
17:38Let's begin with the lighting.
17:40All right, just say when.
17:42Warmer.
17:44Warmer.
17:45Warmer.
17:46Warmer.
17:47A little cooler.
17:49Touch warmer.
17:51Uh, hair back.
17:53No, no, just, no, a hair the other way.
17:57No.
17:58Touch warmer.
18:00Perfect.
18:01Look.
18:02Oh, excellent, excellent.
18:03What wine would most enhance the experience?
18:08No, Nat.
18:09Wine might be a little cooler.
18:11A little cooler.
18:13Touch warmer.
18:15A little warmer.
18:17A little warmer.
18:18Uh, hair back.
18:22No, no, just, no, a hair the other way.
18:25A little warmer.
18:26No, not. Wine might dull our faculties. Perhaps instead, a slow-sipping cordial would be the proper garnish.
18:36Sherry.
18:38Armagnac.
18:39Oh, well, see, that's why you're the older brother.
18:42What is it?
18:57I don't think you're there yet.
19:12Oh, it's a masterpiece.
19:38Eddie.
19:39Eddie, I never thought I'd utter these words, but it actually surpasses Time Flies Tomorrow.
19:48Eddie, please.
19:51Time to save in a moment.
20:09How was the game?
20:13Is that my manuscript?
20:15What the hell's going on?
20:16You went through my bag. That's my personal property.
20:20I don't believe you two.
20:23Mr. Houghton, we are terribly, terribly sorry.
20:28The temptation to read it was just too great.
20:31Oh, what's that supposed to mean?
20:33You're a grown man. Both of you, at least I thought you were.
20:36You had no right to touch that.
20:39Ted, I'm sorry. I'm just so ashamed.
20:42Now, Marty, it's all right.
20:44No, it's not all right.
20:45No, no, it's okay, really.
20:47Somebody had to read it first.
20:49So, what did you think?
20:55Of the book?
20:57No, of my typing.
20:58Yes, of course, the book.
21:06It's great.
21:07Wow.
21:13Well, at least you'll like this.
21:16I'm going to have to be running.
21:17Are you sure? I was just going to make some coffee.
21:19No, no, I got an appointment.
21:21Can I use the...
21:23Oh, try it.
21:23Okay.
21:28Boy, I've had it with you guys.
21:30You a hoss and little Joe.
21:33Ben Cartwright and kick your sorry butts
21:35right off the Ponderosa.
21:40Dad?
21:44Dad, we're sorry.
21:47Very sorry.
21:53He's back on the cartwrights again.
21:57You know, someday we really should ask him
21:59just who the hell I are.
22:00You know,
22:05one thing just really bugs me.
22:09Houghton's going to leave here today
22:10thinking we're just a couple of
22:11inarticulate simpletons.
22:13What were those pithy comments
22:15we made about his masterpiece?
22:16It was great.
22:18Wow.
22:19Yes, we go down in history
22:21with the same
22:22boom who first read Hamlet
22:24and told Shakespeare,
22:25and my goodness,
22:26what a parchment turner.
22:30It's not too late.
22:32He hasn't left yet.
22:34Yes, yes,
22:34we could still say something.
22:36It would show him
22:37that we appreciated
22:38the full complexity
22:39of his work.
22:43Mr. Hartwell,
22:44you know,
22:45there is one further thing
22:47I'd like to add
22:47about your book.
22:48Yeah?
22:49Well, it's the way
22:50you modulated
22:51into the second person
22:52narrative during
22:53the flashback scene.
22:54Well,
22:55frankly,
22:56bigger than anything
22:56Faulkner attempted.
22:58Really?
22:58That's very flattering.
23:01Oh, wait,
23:02I have one, too.
23:04The way you
23:05so skillfully mirrored
23:07the structure
23:07of Dante's Divine Comedy
23:09was inspired.
23:10Really?
23:11Yes, yes.
23:11For the inferno
23:12of the bordello.
23:13Which,
23:14we noticed,
23:14had exactly nine rooms.
23:16Uh-huh, uh-huh.
23:17To the purgatory
23:19of the assembly line
23:20and finally
23:21to the paradise
23:23of the farm.
23:26You both saw that?
23:28Oh, it practically
23:29jumped off the page.
23:30Oh, that's
23:31very perceptive of you.
23:32Well, thank you.
23:33I guess it's
23:34our turn to be flattered.
23:36You're absolutely right.
23:39This whole book
23:40is crap.
23:42Take your pardon?
23:44How can I be so blind?
23:45I lifted the entire
23:47structure from Dante.
23:50Oh, you mean
23:51you weren't going
23:51for that?
23:52Of course not.
23:54This confirms
23:55my worst fear.
23:57I have nothing
23:57original left to say.
24:00I'm an empty shell.
24:01I was a fool
24:02to think I had
24:03a second book in me.
24:05The winters
24:05were harsh
24:07on the farm.
24:08Well,
24:09here's something
24:10to warm them up.
24:12What's going on here?
24:13You're both right.
24:16I'm a talentless
24:17hack who got lucky
24:18once.
24:19Dad, we didn't say that.
24:20You're not listening
24:20to these two, are you?
24:22Look at this trash.
24:23It won't even burn.
24:24Oh, no, no.
24:24It's a fireplace.
24:25You see, it's all
24:26well-ventilated.
24:26This book doesn't
24:27belong in a fireplace.
24:29It belongs
24:30in the gutter
24:32with the rest
24:33of society's garbage.
24:34Oh, no, no, no.
24:36Ted, don't do that.
24:37Ted, don't do that.
24:39I want to thank you, Till.
24:51If I had published
24:52that book,
24:52my reputation
24:53would have been destroyed.
24:55At least,
24:56now I'm left
24:57with a shred of dignity.
24:58I'm left.
25:05Happy?
25:07Hey, Jake,
25:08wait up.
25:09Well,
25:21you've destroyed
25:22a man's life.
25:24Not to mention
25:25depriving future generations
25:27of a work of art.
25:30Well, you know,
25:31on the other hand,
25:32if he actually published it,
25:33the critics surely
25:34would have noticed
25:34that Dante parallel.
25:37Hmm.
25:39If he felt bad
25:39hearing it from us,
25:40imagine how he would have felt
25:42reading it
25:42in the New York
25:42Review of Books.
25:43Oh, God,
25:44given his fragile ego,
25:46he would have been
25:47completely devastated.
25:49Who knows
25:49what he might have done.
25:53You know, Niles,
25:54we saved that man's life.
25:59Yes, I think you're right.
26:04On the other hand...
26:05Don't go there.
26:09See, that's why
26:12you're the older brother.
26:12Hey, baby,
26:22I hear the blues
26:23are calling
26:23tossed salads
26:25and scrambled eggs.
26:28Mercy.
26:29And maybe I seem
26:31a bit confused.
26:33Yeah, maybe.
26:34But I got you pegged.
26:36Ha!
26:36Ha!
26:37Ha!
26:37Ha!
26:37Ha!
26:38But I don't know
26:39what to do
26:40with those tossed salads
26:41and scrambled eggs.
26:46They're calling again.
26:50Scrambled eggs
26:51all over my face.
26:53What is a boy to do?
26:58Frasier
26:59has
27:00left
27:00the building.
27:02Frasier
27:03has
27:04left
27:04the building.