Frasier Season 4 Episode 18 Ham Radio
Category
📺
TVTranscript
00:00May I have a tall skinny to go, please, and you can keep the change?
00:04You know, I've only got a moment. I've taken on a very exciting project.
00:08Oh, really?
00:09Yes. Well, you know, this is KCL's 50th anniversary.
00:12I did a little research, found out that they used to specialize in live radio dramas.
00:18So, I'm putting one on. Dad, surely you must remember that.
00:21Oh, sure.
00:22Yes, but people of Dad's generation would sit around at night, listening to the radio, absolutely mesmerized.
00:28We were simple people.
00:31All right, Dad.
00:33Anyway, I spoke with the station manager.
00:34He's given me 30 minutes to recreate the very first mystery KACL ever aired.
00:41Nightmare Inn.
00:43Oh, don't tell me. I know.
00:45A bunch of people get caught in a storm, and everybody's wondering who's going to be the first one murdered.
00:50Exactly. And I'm going to direct.
00:52Oh.
00:53So we can stop wondering.
00:54What, you don't think your brother knows how to direct?
01:00No, the trouble is he doesn't know how to stop directing.
01:04During our prep school production of Richard III, he drove the entire cast crazy with his constant critiquing.
01:10I seem to recall a delay on opening night while our Richard chased Frasier around the dressing room, beating him with his hump.
01:17Oh.
01:17I seem to have such a little backstage horseplay to relieve tension.
01:22Oh, thank you.
01:23You have an Orson Welles complex.
01:25By the end of this week, you'll not only be directing, you'll have rewritten the script and be playing the lead.
01:29I have no intention of performing in it myself.
01:32The only rewriting I've done is simply cutting to get it down to 30 minutes.
01:36Frasier Crane's Nightmare Inn?
01:39It's just a working title.
01:40Well, that's our show for today.
01:49But let me remind you to tune in on Saturday night for KACL's presentation of Nightmare Inn.
01:58Just set your dials for goosebumps.
02:00Till then, this is Dr. Frasier Crane reminding you that you'll never know what's lurking in the shadows.
02:20Well, that should certainly comfort the woman who called in about her paranoia.
02:27Listen, do we have a leading man yet?
02:29No.
02:30Well, you can do it.
02:31Oh, don't be silly.
02:32Raw.
02:33It is a juicy part.
02:34It does call for a strong voice.
02:36But believe me, my hands are full.
02:39Oh, Frasier.
02:40I've had a quick peek at your script.
02:43And I think I'd be perfect as Bull Cregan, the brutish gamekeeper.
02:50You know, Gil, I think that's just a bit too on the nose.
02:55But you know what you could play?
02:57Just Nigel?
02:58Fair service.
03:00Drummed out of the Royal Air Force under mysterious circumstances.
03:06With him playing it, they may not seem so mysterious.
03:10I'll take it.
03:12After all, Nigel does have that divine speech in the second act about his boyhood in Surrey.
03:18Romping with his school chums and the thins and spinnies when the twilight bathed the hedgerows like a lumbent flame.
03:27Atch, I had rather a long peek at the script.
03:36Gosh, we still have a lot of these supporting roles to cast.
03:39Yes, well, actually, I'm working on that.
03:40You know, Jennifer down in accounting is married to a professional actor who specializes in dialects.
03:45I'm thinking of asking him to play six or seven of the smaller parts.
03:49Hey, Doc!
03:50Need one more for your plate?
03:51Absolutely, Bulldog.
03:53Just as long as you promised to promote it on your show.
03:55Oh, actually, I wasn't talking about me.
03:58I was talking about a friend of mine, Maxine.
04:01Well, does she have any experience?
04:03Are you kidding?
04:03If she had a dollar for every minute she spent on stage...
04:07Oh, wait a minute.
04:08She does.
04:11Well, we do still have the part of the mage.
04:14She only has one line.
04:15Does it have any big words?
04:16No, it's simple.
04:18Look out!
04:19He's got a gun!
04:20Maxine could knock that line right out of the park.
04:22Well, okay.
04:24But you've got to agree to play a part, too.
04:25We still need someone for the sinister silk merchant.
04:30Okay, it's a deal.
04:31And Maxine is going to be so excited.
04:34I've got to remember to pick her up one of those cute little French maid outfits on my way home from work.
04:39It's radio, Bulldog.
04:40She doesn't have to appear in costume.
04:42Maybe here she doesn't.
04:46Well, we're getting there.
04:48Except for the lead.
04:50I haven't found anyone even remotely qualified to play a wily old Scotland Yard inspector.
04:55Now, you may be right, Ross.
04:56I have to bite the bullet, take on the part myself.
04:59Excuse me, Dr. Crane.
05:02Is it too late to read for the role of the inspector?
05:05I'm afraid the part has already been cast.
05:07Come on in.
05:20Hi, Daphne.
05:21Hello.
05:22Bulldog.
05:22You're right on time.
05:24Good.
05:25We have to be on our toes tonight.
05:27We have a professional actor with us.
05:29Mel White.
05:30Our man of a thousand voices.
05:32Oh, it's a huge pleasure.
05:33Mel is going to be playing Hans, the German butler, both McAllister sisters, and Peppo,
05:39the dwarf, the little man with a big secret.
05:46Are the same guys playing all those parts?
05:48Yes.
05:48He's also playing Bull Cragen, the gamekeeper, and O'Toole, the handyman.
05:52You think you're up to it, Mel?
05:54Just so they don't all talk at once.
05:57Isn't it lovely to be working with a professional?
06:02Oh, Bulldog, where's Maxine?
06:05Oh, she's home with food poisoning.
06:06It's nothing serious.
06:07I think she just wrestled in some bad jello.
06:15Well, never mind.
06:17Just has one line anyway.
06:19Look out.
06:20He's got a gun.
06:20You think you might be up to that to see me, Jatling?
06:24I'll try.
06:26Um, Frasier, one of Nigel's lines seems to be missing.
06:31Well, yes, I had to cut the play by 20 minutes, Gil.
06:34Oh, yes, yes, but that line so neatly defined Nigel's character.
06:38Saying Gesundheit after the butler sneezed this?
06:41It shows he's a caring person.
06:44It's cut, Gil.
06:45Learn to let go.
06:46Oh, very well.
06:47Well, as long as I still have that delicious speech about my boyhood in Surrey.
06:52Yes, that's still there.
06:53Rumping with my school chums and fennies and spinnies.
06:57Yes, yes, that one.
06:58Yes, thank you.
07:01All right.
07:02Now, I fear we may be running just a bit long still.
07:05So, I've asked Daphne two timers this evening.
07:08And also, Noel hasn't rounded up all the sound effects yet.
07:11So, I'm going to have Daphne read those directions as well.
07:15Now, that's a lot of responsibility on you, Daphne.
07:17Are you sure you're up to it?
07:23All right.
07:25Start the watch.
07:27Stage direction.
07:29Sound of door opening.
07:31Inspector, thank God you've come.
07:34Start the watch.
07:35Ross, I have a line here that says,
07:40When she opened her lips, I caught a hint of some exotic accent.
07:44You'll notice it does not say,
07:46When she opened her lips, cheese fell out.
07:52Ma'am, start the watch.
07:57This is a grisly business, Miss Thorndike.
07:59Sound of door closing.
08:01I can't believe any of my guests could be a multiple murderer.
08:06It's easy for you to say.
08:08But my job is to suspect everyone.
08:10Please, introduce me to your guests.
08:13This is the silk merchant, Mr. Wang.
08:16Stop the watch.
08:21What's your problem?
08:23Wang?
08:26You gotta give me another name.
08:28I'll crack up every time I hear that.
08:29All right.
08:30All right.
08:34How about wing?
08:37All right.
08:37That's a great old Chinese name.
08:39All right.
08:39Everybody, change wang to wing in your scripts.
08:43Sound of people changing wangs to wings.
08:46Uh, from your line.
08:54Stop it.
08:55This is the silk merchant, Mr. Wing.
08:59Did you see anything suspicious, wing?
09:01Oh, me no lucky, me go very by chop-trap.
09:05Stop.
09:07Chinese embassy on line one.
09:11You can't say that.
09:13It's all right.
09:13It's all right.
09:14I'll just adjust his dialogue later.
09:16All right.
09:17Start.
09:18I'm Nigel Fair Service, Inspector.
09:21I was strolling in the garden when this dreadful tragedy occurred.
09:26Did anyone see you?
09:27Several people.
09:28Hans, the German butler.
09:30Yeah, I saw the gentleman.
09:32Stop.
09:34Now, that's wonderful, Mel.
09:38But he sounds to me just a bit more Austrian than German.
09:42I've done that accent both on Broadway and the London stage.
09:48Yes, well, perhaps they have different standards than I have.
09:52All right, everyone.
09:54From the beginning once again.
09:55Now, this time, please, people, dig in and try to find the reality.
10:00From the dwarf's entrance.
10:01And so the case was closed.
10:07And with a grateful shudder, I swore I'd never return to Nightmare Inn.
10:15Stop.
10:16Time.
10:16That's, uh, 32 minutes, 40 seconds.
10:21Damn.
10:21I'll have to try to trim some more, but we try again.
10:24Again?
10:24Oh, well, you're going to do it until I'm completely satisfied.
10:28Oh, which reminds me, Mel, um...
10:32I'm still not entirely happy with the second Macalester sister.
10:37Oh?
10:37Oh, well, yes, she doesn't sound spinsterish enough to me.
10:42I see.
10:43You also told me that my gamekeeper sounded too cultured,
10:48that my Irishman sounded more Protestant than Catholic,
10:51and that my dwarf was too tall.
10:55Let me try hands again and tell me how my German is sounding.
11:00I quit!
11:02Well, oh, wait!
11:03Oh, you can't!
11:06Sound of door slamming.
11:11So what do we do now, boss?
11:13Not to worry.
11:14I have a plan.
11:15Oh, yeah, right.
11:17We're supposed to do this thing tomorrow night.
11:19Where are you going to find an idiot
11:21willing to take six dialect parts unrehearsed?
11:25Miles!
11:26Sound of ominous organ music
11:28indicating trouble ahead.
11:33Oh, there's your brother.
11:37How's he enjoying the prospect of playing six parts?
11:41Actually, he doesn't know about it yet.
11:43If he did, he never would have agreed.
11:46Fraser, you told me you were going to messenger the script to me this morning.
11:49I'm so, so sorry.
11:51I was tinkering with it until the very last minute.
11:53But not to worry, your natural talent will carry you through.
11:56All right, look.
11:57Take a look at this.
11:59Noel is going to give us a demonstration of the sound effects.
12:01What do you got, Noel?
12:02Okay.
12:04This is my door sound.
12:06My thunder screen.
12:09Balloons for gunshots.
12:11And this plays various kinds of organ music.
12:20I've also got a gravel box,
12:22bells,
12:23a rain stick,
12:24and a coffee thermos.
12:26What does that do?
12:27Keeps my coffee warm.
12:28Hey, everybody.
12:31This is Maxine.
12:32Oh, hello, Maxine.
12:34Welcome.
12:35Hi.
12:36I need a quiet place to work on my part.
12:38Oh, you got it, baby.
12:40Why don't you go up here in the booth?
12:42Bulldog.
12:45Work on her part?
12:46It's just one line.
12:47Yeah, yeah, but she's got that condition.
12:50What do you call it?
12:50It begins with a dis, dis, dis, dis, uh...
12:53Distemper?
12:57No, dyslexia.
12:58That's it.
12:58She's dyslexic.
13:00And you tell me that now?
13:01No, no, no.
13:01Hey, she'll be great.
13:03It's me I'm worried about.
13:04I've got some serious butterflies going here.
13:07Well, look, you're on the radio all the time.
13:09Yeah, but that's me being me.
13:11This is acting.
13:12It's...
13:12It's scary.
13:16Listen, that's all part of the thrill
13:18of the live performance.
13:20Butterflies in the stomach,
13:22sweaty palms,
13:24scratchy throat,
13:25pounding heart.
13:26I suppose you have all of those.
13:27I do now.
13:32Far and away, Fava.
13:33I just spent two hours
13:36in the dentist's chair.
13:40An emergency.
13:42Oh.
13:43What is the matter?
13:45No, McCain.
13:46He said it would wear off by now.
13:49Oh, I keep biting my fem.
13:55Dear God,
13:56we've got 60 seconds.
13:58Well, I don't even know who I'm playing.
14:00Don't worry, Naz.
14:01I'll just cue you as we go along.
14:02Well, shouldn't I at least prepare a little?
14:04No, no, listen.
14:05Your natural spontaneity
14:06is your best asset as an actor.
14:08What was it the Yale Daily News
14:09said about your tartuffe?
14:10Oh, who remembers
14:11that I had the magnetism of Marlon Brando,
14:14the charm of Danny Kaye,
14:15and the range of Lawrence Libby?
14:16All right, everyone.
14:20All right, everyone.
14:20Places, please.
14:21Hurry up, it's starting.
14:23All right.
14:25Good evening.
14:26This is Frasier Crane
14:28welcoming you to KACL's recreation
14:30of the original Mystery Theater.
14:33I already knew the plot,
14:35but I'll try not to blurt out
14:37the name of the murderer.
14:38Great.
14:39As a cop,
14:40I hated it when people did that.
14:42In all my years at the yard,
14:47I doubt I'd ever seen
14:48a fouler night
14:49than that on which
14:53I was called out
14:53to investigate
14:54a double murder
14:55at the old inn
14:58on the moors.
15:04The door was answered
15:05by Miss Carlotta Thorndyke.
15:10Her face was unfamiliar,
15:12and when she opened her lips,
15:15I caught a hint
15:16of some exotic accent.
15:19In fact,
15:20ow.
15:23Thank God you call.
15:25This is a grisly business,
15:39Miss Thorndyke.
15:40I can't believe
15:41any of my guests
15:42could be
15:43a
15:44moppable murder bird.
15:54That's easy for you
15:55to say.
15:59But my job is
16:00to suspect
16:01everybody.
16:03Please introduce me
16:04to your...
16:05No.
16:06No.
16:06Never mind.
16:07I know your guests
16:09by reputation.
16:12This must be
16:12Mr. Wing,
16:13the silk merchant.
16:15Did you witness
16:16anything suspicious,
16:17Wing?
16:17Of course,
16:22the
16:22inscrutable
16:23and
16:24mute
16:25Mr. Wing,
16:28who, uh,
16:30wears a bell
16:33on his hat.
16:35Did you witness
16:36anything suspicious,
16:37Wing?
16:41No, eh?
16:42I remember you said that.
16:43I'm Nigel
16:47Fairservice,
16:48Inspector.
16:49I was strolling
16:49in the garden
16:50when this dreadful
16:51tragedy occurred.
16:53Did anyone
16:54see you?
16:54Several people.
16:56Hans,
16:56the German butler?
17:00Yeah,
17:00I saw
17:01the gentleman.
17:04O'Toole,
17:05the gardener.
17:05I was himself
17:10for no mistake.
17:13As well as
17:14Prudence
17:15McAllister.
17:21Yes,
17:21I was taking
17:22a breath of her.
17:25I tried to shake
17:26Nigel's alibi,
17:27but each witness
17:28was adamant.
17:30O'Toole.
17:31Faith and it's true.
17:32Hans.
17:33Your boy.
17:33Miss McAllister.
17:34O'Toole, yes.
17:35There remained
17:38one suspect
17:39whose whereabouts
17:40had not yet
17:40been established.
17:42Peppo the dwarf,
17:43a retired circus performer.
17:48Exactly.
17:50Where were you
17:51when the murders
17:52occurred, Peppo?
18:04Peppo!
18:04Well, where were you?
18:07I was at the movies.
18:12At the movies,
18:13you say?
18:15Well,
18:16one quick phone call
18:17can verify that.
18:19What's this?
18:22Dear God,
18:23the phone lines
18:25have been cut.
18:25The phone lines
18:27have been cut.
18:30Oh,
18:31we were really
18:31stranded,
18:32totally,
18:33and completely
18:34isolated
18:34from any contact
18:36with the outside world.
18:38the phone lines.
18:39Beep.
18:39Beep.
18:39Beep.
18:41Sue,
18:41you're fine.
18:43The phone lines
18:51have been repaired,
18:52you say.
18:54Hello?
18:55Wait.
18:56They've gone dead again.
18:57Who knows what
19:01other surprises
19:02this night
19:03may bring.
19:05I don't remember
19:05the plots
19:06of these things
19:06being so goofy.
19:07Mr. Wing
19:10wasn't mute
19:10last night.
19:15Six different roles
19:16and six different accents.
19:17I've had the mind
19:18to walk right out of here.
19:19Yes,
19:19I'm sorry,
19:19Niles,
19:20but you're doing
19:21brilliantly.
19:22Oh,
19:22except your,
19:23your hands
19:24could be a bit
19:25gruffer.
19:26Don't
19:26directly.
19:28I'm sorry,
19:29I'm sorry,
19:30you're right.
19:30Right now,
19:31frankly,
19:31I'm just a bit
19:32more worried
19:32about being
19:33over time.
19:34Gil,
19:34at the bottom
19:35of page 14,
19:38listen,
19:38after your shot,
19:40just say,
19:40I'm dying,
19:41cut the rest.
19:43That's my
19:44boyhood
19:45and sorry speech.
19:46Yes,
19:46I know.
19:47You can't cut that,
19:49you can't.
19:50Stop whining.
19:51You've got pleasure to.
19:52I don't care anymore.
19:57All right,
19:57please,
19:58quiet,
19:58everybody.
19:59Ten seconds.
20:01Oh,
20:01Maxine,
20:01be sure to watch out
20:02for your cue
20:03and please,
20:04people,
20:04let's pick up
20:05the pace.
20:11Nightmare
20:12End.
20:13Act
20:14Two.
20:15I was
20:16baffled.
20:18They all
20:18had alibis.
20:20Suddenly,
20:20Miss Thorndike
20:21pointed,
20:22her eyes
20:23wide
20:23with alarm.
20:25There's
20:25someone
20:25outside
20:26that window.
20:26Why,
20:28yes,
20:28Miss Thorndike,
20:29it appears
20:30to be
20:31the ice cream truck.
20:41But never
20:45mind
20:46that.
20:49Suddenly,
20:50the storm
20:53put the lights
20:54out.
20:57And we
20:58were left
20:59in darkness.
21:01Then,
21:02a scream.
21:03look out,
21:07he's got
21:08a nug.
21:09A gun!
21:22A gun!
21:22A gun
21:24is what
21:24he's got!
21:27When the lights
21:28came back up,
21:30a smoking gun
21:31lay on the table,
21:32the maid
21:33lay dead,
21:34unable to name
21:35her killer,
21:36and Nigel
21:37Fair
21:38Service
21:39lay
21:39mortally
21:40wounded.
21:41I'm
21:42dying.
21:44Poor man
21:44was gone.
21:45Never again
21:46to revisit
21:47the scene
21:47of my
21:48boyhood
21:49in Surrey.
21:51Grumping
21:51with my
21:52school chums
21:53and the
21:53fens
21:54and spinnies.
21:55Just then,
21:56the lights
21:57went out
21:57again.
21:59Nigel
22:00Fair
22:00Service
22:00was shot
22:01again.
22:03Only
22:03greys
22:04me.
22:06Will the
22:06twilight
22:07be the
22:08hedge
22:08rose
22:09like a
22:09lamb?
22:10The final
22:11bullet
22:12blew his
22:13head
22:14clean off
22:14his
22:14shoulders.
22:20All right,
22:21people,
22:21let's try
22:22to keep
22:22calm,
22:24although
22:24it's hard
22:25when the
22:25killer
22:26is among
22:26us.
22:30Hi,
22:30who?
22:31I'm
22:31Nigel's
22:32brother,
22:32Cedric.
22:33I haven't
22:34seen him
22:34since our
22:34boyhood.
22:35And so
22:39died the
22:40last surviving
22:41member
22:42of the
22:43fair service
22:44family.
22:46Oh,
22:47I sure
22:47didn't see
22:48that one
22:48coming.
22:50Hello,
22:51I'm the
22:52ice cream
22:52man.
22:53Years ago,
22:54I went to
22:54school with
22:55Nigel
22:56Fair Service.
22:58We used
22:59to rock in
23:00the fins and
23:01spinach.
23:06This is
23:07turning into
23:08a bloodbath.
23:11See,
23:11that's why
23:11before TV
23:12you want to
23:13be able to
23:13see that
23:14star.
23:16By this
23:17time,
23:18I was more
23:18baffled than
23:19ever,
23:20so I
23:20played a
23:21hunch.
23:23Hans,
23:24may I
23:25see your
23:25fingernails?
23:27Why?
23:28They seem
23:28a bit
23:29ragged.
23:30For a
23:31butler.
23:32All right,
23:33all right,
23:33I'm not
23:34what I
23:34appear.
23:35None of
23:36us is.
23:36I'm not
23:37a butler.
23:38I'm not
23:39even
23:39German.
23:45Sit down,
23:46inspector,
23:46you're about
23:47to hear a
23:47fascinating
23:48tale.
23:49Each of
23:49us holds
23:50a piece
23:50of the
23:51puzzle
23:51to relate
23:53to you.
23:54When we've
23:54finished,
23:54you'll know
23:55the full
23:55dark secret
23:58of Nightmare
23:59Inn.
24:00Are you
24:00so with
24:01Philip,
24:01Hans?
24:04Be quiet,
24:06mother.
24:10Mother and
24:11I moved
24:12here when
24:12I was a
24:13small boy
24:13after the
24:14tragic death
24:16of my
24:17father.
24:18I kept
24:19the pain
24:19of that
24:20loss buried
24:20deep within
24:22me like a
24:23serpent coiled
24:24within a damp
24:25cave.
24:26Okay,
24:26that's it.
24:29Never mind
24:30all that.
24:30I'm just
24:31going to
24:31take this
24:32gun off
24:32the table.
24:34Sorry about
24:34that, O'Toole.
24:35I guess we'll
24:36never hear your
24:36fascinating piece
24:37of the puzzle.
24:40Or yours,
24:41Kragan and
24:42Peppo.
24:43could the
24:47McAllister
24:48sisters stand
24:48back to
24:49back?
24:49I'm short
24:49on bullets.
24:54What was
24:55your name
24:55again,
24:56dear?
24:56Miss
24:56Thorndyke.
25:01Ah,
25:02and also
25:02Mr. Wing.
25:03And of
25:10course,
25:11one final
25:12bullet for
25:12myself,
25:13so the
25:14mystery will
25:14die with
25:15me.
25:17Huh.
25:30Well,
25:31then,
25:31that pretty
25:34much wrapped
25:35things up.
25:38Hans was
25:39a mass
25:39murderer,
25:41to the
25:41surprise of
25:42everyone.
25:44Case was
25:45closed,
25:46and with a
25:47grateful
25:47shotter,
25:49I swore
25:50I'd never
25:51return.
25:53To
25:53Nightmare
25:54Inn.
26:01Well,
26:06we still
26:08have,
26:09um,
26:10nine
26:12minutes
26:12remaining.
26:19Perhaps
26:20we could
26:20have a
26:20little
26:21post-play
26:22discussion.
26:23Hey,
26:34baby,
26:34I hear
26:34the blues
26:35are calling
26:36tossed
26:36salads
26:37and
26:37scrambled
26:38eggs.
26:40Quite
26:40stylish.
26:42And
26:42maybe I
26:43seem a bit
26:44confused.
26:45Well,
26:45maybe.
26:46But I
26:46got you
26:47pegged.
26:48Ha!
26:49Ha!
26:49Ha!
26:50Ha!
26:50But I
26:51don't
26:51know
26:52what
26:52to
26:52do
26:52with
26:53those
26:53tossed
26:53salads
26:54and
26:54scrambled
26:55eggs.
26:57They're
26:58calling
26:58again.
27:00Frasier
27:01has
27:02left
27:03the
27:03building.