Frasier Season 4 Episode 1 The Two Mrs Crane S
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00:00Now, what are you doing?
00:13This fruit nut muffin contains a number of things I don't care for.
00:19Currants, a husk of something.
00:23Away, wrinkly thing.
00:28No.
00:30If you and Maris ever reconcile, I'm going to miss these tranquil mornings.
00:35I, reading my newspaper, you, tweezing your muffin.
00:41Hey, boys.
00:42Hey, I got a letter from my old army pal, Bud Barrow.
00:46The whole platoon's getting together next weekend in Rattlesnake Ridge.
00:50Oh, good for you.
00:51Oh, speaking of old chums, Daphne, Clive called for you a little earlier.
00:58Clive?
00:59Did he sound British?
01:01No, he was one of those fiery Mexican Clives.
01:08He said he'd call back.
01:09Yeah, I'll bet he will.
01:11Oh, boy, I can't wait to see the old gang.
01:14Well, Dad, you're not thinking of driving all the way to Rattlesnake Ridge.
01:17It's five hours away.
01:18You know how your hip stiffens up.
01:20No problem.
01:21They said I can bring a guest.
01:23So, who's the lucky one?
01:27By my count, two of us get to be lucky.
01:30Come on, they're great guys.
01:33Stinky, Wolfman, Boom Boom, Jim.
01:37Of course, his name's not really Jim.
01:39We call him that because he likes to drink Jim Beam.
01:41Just like we call Hank Bud because he drinks Budweiser.
01:44Come on, you'd love these guys.
01:46We're sherry drinkers, Dad.
01:48Think about it.
01:54Anyway, I have a conference that weekend.
01:56Yeah, and I have me friend Megan's birthday party.
01:59Fray's?
02:00Oh, please, let that be Megan needing a clown for her party.
02:09Hello?
02:12Oh, Clive.
02:15Yes, it has been a long time, hasn't it?
02:20Oh, I am sorry.
02:22I have dinner plans tonight.
02:25Well, maybe just a drink then.
02:28Say 6.30?
02:31Me too.
02:33Bye.
02:35Oh, hell.
02:38So, who is this Clive?
02:41An ex-boyfriend?
02:43Worse.
02:44Ex-fiancé.
02:46You were engaged?
02:48For years.
02:50Oh, we were mad for each other.
02:52He was very sweet and had the most gorgeous eyes you ever saw.
02:57But?
02:58Oh, yes, that too.
03:00I just couldn't see a future with him.
03:08I mean, the man was a total layabout.
03:11No ambition, no drive.
03:13He couldn't hold a job.
03:15All he wanted to do was tinker about with his car.
03:18His hands were always black from the motor oil.
03:21A brutish habit.
03:23God had intended me to work on my Mercedes.
03:25He wouldn't have given me Horst.
03:26I had to break it off, but I wanted to let him down easily, so I said if we were still free in five years, we could try again.
03:38And here he is, right on schedule.
03:43What do I say to him?
03:45Well, be honest, tell him how you feel.
03:47Well, to break the poor thing's heart all over again.
03:50In the long run, honesty is the best way to avoid unnecessary anguish.
03:54Well, case in point.
03:56Dad, I do not have plans for next weekend, but I do not intend to spend it in the middle of nowhere with Budweiser and Boilermaker and their liver-damaged friend Seltzer.
04:07Well, that's fine.
04:11There'll be other reunions.
04:13Well, there you see, no evasions, no convenient conferences, just simple honesty.
04:19First, I don't suppose Jim will make it next time.
04:21Says here he just had his third bypass.
04:25But I guess I'll see him at his funeral.
04:27Off to work.
04:28Unless I go first.
04:31All right.
04:31I'll drive you to your stupid reunion.
04:33Thanks, son.
04:34I guess we'll better wait a few days to tell him about Stinky needing a ride.
04:50And in closing, this goes out to Keith, the narcoleptic I spoke to earlier.
04:56I'd be glad to resume our conversation when you feel a bit more alert.
04:59But in the meantime, I suggest that you reconsider applying for that air traffic control position.
05:08This is Dr. Fraser Crane, KACL 780 AM.
05:14Brilliant show, Fraser.
05:16Chock full of pithy insight.
05:19What do you want?
05:19A favor.
05:21Bonnie Weems, the auto lady, just asked me to another one of her wretched dinner parties.
05:26Well, I'm planning on saying that you and I have ballet tickets that night, so do back me up.
05:31I'm sorry.
05:32I can't.
05:33No, you've got to.
05:34Do you have any idea how vile her food is?
05:37The local raccoons have posted warning signs in her trash bin.
05:43Yes, you see, Shorty invited me and I told her I was driving my father to his army reunion at Rattlesnake Ridge.
05:49Oh, very clever.
05:50Well, I'd use it myself, only I killed my father off to escape her Labor Day clambic.
05:58Oh, uh, Ross, listen, I'm going to the opera tomorrow night.
06:02You didn't happen to remember to bring my...
06:04Oh, your opera glasses.
06:06I'm so sorry.
06:07They completely slipped my mind.
06:09I wouldn't really mind if you hadn't borrowed them to Ogle that bodybuilder that moved in across the street.
06:14Slipped once or twice.
06:16It's not like I copied his name off his mailbox so I could look up his number and call him while he's in the shower
06:23so I could watch him cross the room naked to answer the phone from the picture window.
06:28That would be wrong.
06:31I want them back.
06:32I refuse to squint through Pagliacci while you were trying to watch the magic flute.
06:35Dr. Crane, I need your opinion on this outfit.
06:48I wanted something that sent no romantic signals whatsoever.
06:57Well, short of a cactus corsage, I think you captured it.
07:01You know, Daphne, it's been five years.
07:06It's not as long a time to carry a torch.
07:08Maybe he just wants to say hello.
07:10Oh, I certainly hope so.
07:12The thought of having to reject the poor thing again is more than I can bear.
07:18Oh, dear.
07:19It's him.
07:21Anything between me teeth?
07:22No.
07:23Do we have any spinach in the fridge?
07:25Just answer the door.
07:27Oh, Dr. Crane, I was afraid you were Clive.
07:38Clive.
07:38Oh, Clive.
07:40Oh, was that tonight?
07:43Oh, well, don't I feel silly bringing over this thousand-piece jigsaw puzzle?
07:48Well, I'm sure that Daphne doesn't want us horning in on her reunion.
07:56We're going to dinner.
07:57Well, can we order in?
07:58I've already assembled one kitten and two yarn balls.
08:04I'm getting my jacket.
08:10Now, for God's sake, will you give them some privacy?
08:12Hello.
08:25Hello.
08:26Look at you.
08:27You look wonderful.
08:28Oh.
08:29Go on.
08:31No, no, I'll mean it.
08:32Very pretty and warm.
08:37So?
08:40So?
08:40Oh, God.
08:47What?
08:47I've got the spot of Axel Grease on your sweater.
08:50Oh, no, it's all right, really.
08:52It's just a ratty old thing.
08:54Please, come in.
08:57Same old Clive, I see.
08:59I suppose so.
09:02So, er, what brings you to Seattle?
09:06My undying love for you.
09:08Oh, damn, I meant to lead up to that.
09:10Sorry.
09:11No.
09:13It's all right.
09:15Just a bit.
09:16Abrupt.
09:17Now, how are you?
09:18No nice place, Xavier.
09:20By the way, it is lovely.
09:22Is that the, er, space needle?
09:24Clive.
09:25Big.
09:28Anyway, I remember what you told me five years ago, and...
09:33I thought my feelings might change, five years is a long time, but...
09:38Oh, Clive.
09:39No, no, no, let me finish.
09:41My feelings for you haven't changed.
09:43I think about you every day, every night, and there comes a time in every man's life when
09:48he's got to sum up the courage to look a woman straight in the eye and say,
09:52cheese nips.
10:00I'm sorry, is this a bad moment?
10:02Oh, well, actually, I was...
10:04No, no, not at all.
10:06Um, well, this is my very dear old friend, Clive Roddy.
10:12Clive, I'd like you to meet Dr. Niles Crane.
10:15My husband.
10:25Your husband?
10:26Oh, yes.
10:27Six months next week.
10:30Well, congratulations.
10:33You're a very lucky man.
10:35Six months, for you two are practically newlyweds.
10:47Yes, we're still at that honeymoon stage.
10:51It's sickening, really.
10:58Revolting.
10:59Positively stomach-turning.
11:06Darling.
11:07Well, or should we go?
11:09No!
11:10I mean...
11:11We're so enjoying having you here.
11:17I did promise you a drink.
11:19Oh, well, I suppose I could stay for a beer.
11:22Oh, good.
11:24Darling, would you give me a hand in the kitchen, please?
11:27Certainly, my angel.
11:33Dr. Crane, I'm so sorry.
11:36It seemed the kindest way to let him down.
11:39I didn't mean to put you in such an awkward position.
11:42When it comes to you, no position is too awkward.
11:49Oh, hello.
11:51It must be Clive.
11:52Here, and you...
11:54Dr. Frasier Crane.
11:55Oh, Niles' brother.
11:57Yes.
11:58You've met Niles?
11:59Just now.
12:01Though I used to know his wife quite well.
12:08Really?
12:08You know his wife?
12:11She's one of a kind, that one.
12:13Isn't she?
12:18Certainly can light up a room.
12:20Oh, yes.
12:21Usually by leaving it.
12:25Frasier!
12:27Clive!
12:28I see you've met my husband's brother.
12:32Yeah.
12:33I'm not intruded on some family occasion, am I?
12:35Oh, no.
12:37Not at all.
12:38Frasier lives here.
12:39I mean, temporarily.
12:41You see, he's...
12:42He's...
12:42He's had a spat with his wife.
12:44Hmm.
12:47Maris.
12:54Sorry to hear that.
12:56Yes, me too.
12:57You know, Daphne, I'm parched.
13:01Could you show me again where we keep the wine?
13:05Of course.
13:07Could you spare me a minute?
13:08Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.
13:09Wait.
13:10You have to pay the love toll.
13:11Yes, the...
13:12Too much.
13:16Here's your change.
13:26Can you stay for dinner?
13:30I told you to be honest.
13:32But if you listen, no.
13:33No, instead you suggest us to this ridiculous charade.
13:36Just play along, please.
13:38I swear, one drink and he's out the door.
13:41He's staying for dinner.
13:43What?
13:45Well, how did that happen?
13:46He just sort of invited himself.
13:48Pretty damn cheeky, if you ask me.
13:51Oh, dear God.
13:53Obviously, he has hopes of winning you back.
13:56We must keep these displays of affection as realistic as possible.
14:01What will I serve?
14:03Do we still have that lasagna?
14:05Daphne, you don't expect me to endure an entire evening of this nonsense.
14:07Oh, just do this for me.
14:09And anything you want, name anything, it's yours.
14:13Anything?
14:16Except Rattlesnake Ridge.
14:18Oh, Clive!
14:19Oh, right.
14:20I'll take him.
14:22Lasagna all right for dinner?
14:24Super.
14:26I'm warning you.
14:28One thing goes wrong and the whole deal's off.
14:30Oh, nothing can go wrong.
14:31We just have to stick to our stories and avoid any unnecessary complications.
14:35Ah, see if we got company.
14:37Hey.
14:38Dad!
14:39Dad!
14:40Dad!
14:48Clive!
14:48I'd like you to meet my new husband's father.
14:52Or, as we sometimes say in this country, father-in-law.
14:56Oh, I'm Clive Roddy.
14:59Yeah, hi, Marty Crane.
15:02Somebody tell me...
15:04Oh, Daphne, we've been so remiss.
15:06We haven't even given Clive the tour.
15:08Oh, yes.
15:09Quite right.
15:10Well, this is the living room.
15:13Well, I think he'd be more interested in the master bathroom.
15:16The shower being so large and Manchester being so rainy.
15:25Right this way.
15:26There you go.
15:27Oh, oh, you forgot to pay the toll.
15:30Yes.
15:30Oh, never mind.
15:35Why not go away?
15:36What?
15:37What for?
15:37What the hell's going on here?
15:39Clive is Daphne's old boyfriend.
15:41She's trying to let him down easily by pretending to be married to Niles.
15:44So, this is my place.
15:46Frasier's staying here temporarily because he's separated from Maris.
15:50You couldn't stand her either, huh?
15:59That's very amusing.
16:02Do I still live here?
16:04Well, yes, of course you do.
16:05But I think for this evening it might be best if you just excused yourself.
16:08You see, it requires quick thinking and improvisational skills and a knack for remembering details.
16:12Well, I'll never use any of those skills as an undercover cop.
16:16Oh, please, Dad, don't be offended.
16:18I'm not offended, no.
16:19My two sons are just sort of have oatmeal for brains.
16:23So, Daphne tells me you're both psychiatrists.
16:27Yes.
16:28Fascinating.
16:29Are you a psychiatrist as well, Marty?
16:31Oh, no, no, I'm retired.
16:34What'd you do?
16:36As an astronaut.
16:42Weirdly.
16:46Are you actually flew space missions?
16:49Yeah, a few.
16:50Me and Neil Armstrong.
16:52Buzz Aldrin.
16:53Yeah, I was the one who gave him his nickname, Buzz, you know.
16:57Yeah, most people think it's because he flew fast.
17:00Not true.
17:01He was scared of bees.
17:02Who is it?
17:26Open up, Fraser.
17:27It's me.
17:28What do you know?
17:29It's Maris.
17:30It's Maris.
17:32Here are your stupid opera glasses.
17:41Are we friends again?
17:42Darling.
17:44We're Maris.
17:45What?
17:46We're Maris.
17:46What?
17:47Play along.
17:49Well, their little tiff's over.
17:51Maris Crane.
17:53This is Mr. Clive Roddy.
17:56It's a pleasure.
17:57It certainly is.
17:59So how long will you be in Seattle?
18:02Oh, Cupcake.
18:03Well, if you would excuse us, we could use a moment alone.
18:07Just go with me, darling.
18:09Well, so, now you've met the whole Crane clan.
18:12Although, Daphne, I noticed in the phone book you're still listed as Moon.
18:17Ah, that must be an old book.
18:19Now she hyphenates.
18:20It's Moon Crane.
18:21Remember the first time I ever drove a Moon Crane?
18:28Damn near rolled it into the Sea of Tranquility.
18:30So, Clive, what do you do?
18:38Still mucking about with cars, I see.
18:41Oh, me hands are now.
18:43I hope the lady change a tyre on the way over here.
18:47Don't have as much time for cars as I used to.
18:49What with my business and all.
18:52Your business?
18:53Yeah.
18:54Well, after you left, I'll remember the advice you used to give me,
18:57and I decided some of it made sense.
18:59What advice?
19:00Well, you know, get a job, you lazy git.
19:03That sort of thing.
19:05So I took a few business courses,
19:07and I opened up a little sporting goods shop.
19:10Next thing you know, I had three of them.
19:12Well, isn't this ironic?
19:20All these years, I nagged him to make something of himself,
19:25and now look at him, a captain of industry and still as handsome as ever.
19:32Yes.
19:33Well, send in the clowns.
19:38Don't bother.
19:39They're here.
19:39Well, bad news.
19:43It seems my Maris has to run off.
19:46She's got a previous engagement.
19:47Oh, forget about your engagement, Maris.
19:50Stay for dinner.
19:51Actually...
19:52I'd love to.
19:53Lovely.
19:54We can celebrate you two being reconciled.
19:57That is still tentative.
20:00It could go either way.
20:01Oh, hello, dear.
20:08What's his name?
20:15Eddie.
20:15Eddie.
20:20So there I was, floating 20 feet up in the chamber,
20:25when some idiot turns off the weightless button,
20:28and down I come right on this big pickaxe we use for moon rocks.
20:36You still walk with a king.
20:38Que sera, sera.
20:41Well, I better turn in, boys.
20:43Don't forget your warm glass of tang.
20:50It was an honor meeting you, Commander.
20:52Yeah, I had fun, too.
20:55Well, good night, all.
20:56Good night.
20:57Good night, Dad.
20:58Delicious meal, Daphne.
21:00Can't remember the last time I ate so much.
21:03Well, that explains your fantastic physique.
21:07Yes.
21:08You are looking wonderfully firm.
21:11You sound that little to me.
21:14Do you work out?
21:16Oh, when I can.
21:17Actually, my shops keep me pretty busy.
21:20Daphne and I have our own little exercise regimen.
21:23We work up quite a sweat, don't we, darling?
21:25I can't get over it.
21:31It's like you're a whole different person.
21:34A whole different person.
21:37Well, who's for coffee?
21:39I'll give you a hand.
21:45Would you please tell Ross to stop flirting?
21:48Has she forgotten she's a married woman?
21:50Oh, you're one to talk.
21:51If you battered your eyelashes any harder, you'd blow out the candles.
21:54You get rid of her now, or it's Rattlesnake Ridge for you.
21:59You wouldn't.
22:00Oh, wouldn't I?
22:02And by the way, Stinky needs a ride.
22:04And according to your love line, oh, my, what a naughty little...
22:15Maris, darling, I don't know about you, but I'm exhausted.
22:19See you at home.
22:19Oh, wine, please.
22:24Oh, are you sure that's wise, dear?
22:28Remember that blackout you had last month?
22:33What am I saying?
22:34Of course you don't.
22:36Oh, that's what I love about her, her sense of humor.
22:44Cookie, darling?
22:45Oh, no, thank you.
22:47Some of us do look after our weight.
22:50Now, now, Daphne, you have to keep your strength up.
22:53You are eating for two.
23:00You're having a baby?
23:02Whoa, when are you planning on springing that news?
23:05We don't like to bring that up.
23:08It's a sore point around here.
23:11What with my sister-in-law being barren and all.
23:19No, no, it's not her fault.
23:21You see, my brother is impotent.
23:32Well, uh, congratulations.
23:35Is there a loo I could, uh...
23:38Uh, yes, yes, right there by the front door.
23:40We call that Fraser's bathroom.
23:42That's why we've monogrammed all the towels with his initials.
23:47You all take a leave of your senses.
23:49She started it, hugging all over him.
23:52What is your problem?
23:54Fraser said the only reason we were doing this was because you wanted to give him the brush off.
23:58Well, I changed my mind.
24:00Didn't you see my signals?
24:02Gee, I must have missed them.
24:03It must have been during one of my blackouts.
24:06Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
24:08There's no need to fight.
24:09Look, I'll flip a coin.
24:11Oh, good news, Roz.
24:12Oh, sod off.
24:14You think with all your dozens and dozens of men, you could at least leave one for me?
24:19Dozens?
24:20Did you tell her that?
24:21Well, forgive me for keeping track.
24:25Why are you fighting over the man anyway?
24:27He's got all the charm of a cricket bat.
24:29You're right.
24:30You know what, Daphne?
24:31You want him?
24:31You can have him.
24:32You can have him.
24:33He's yours.
24:34Oh, yes, fat chance I've got now that you've told him I'm pregnant.
24:38How am I supposed to get rid of this bloody baby?
24:49Clive.
24:50Coffee.
24:51No, thank you.
24:55I really should be going.
24:57No, no, please.
24:59I know what you must think, but we're not what we see.
25:03You certainly aren't.
25:04Look, I know I'm a guest here, so I've kept silent so far, but I'm sorry I must speak.
25:11You're the most appalling family I've ever met.
25:16You, breaking up with your wife over a pair of opera glasses.
25:20And you, looking down your nose at me the entire time you're showing off your posh flat.
25:26Well, for your information, mate, I don't think there's anything remotely special about your bathrooms.
25:32And you two women, flirting shamelessly with me right in front of your husbands, you haven't just reconciled with Frasier and you carrying Niall's baby.
25:42Well, I'll pity your child, Daphne, and I'll pity any good Manchester girl that comes here to this vile coffee-swilling Sodom and lets her change her like it's changed you.
25:52But I haven't changed, really.
25:55We're not the awful people you think we are.
25:57No!
25:58The truth is we've been lying to you all night.
26:01Yes!
26:01Well, I don't care to be lied to any more.
26:09Goodbye, Daphne.
26:11Maris.
26:12Dr. Crane.
26:13Dr. Crane.
26:16I'll never understand how two men like you could have been spawned by that sweet, courageous old astronaut.
26:22Hey, baby, I hear the blues are calling, tossed salads and scrambled eggs.
26:41Mercy.
26:43And maybe I seem a bit confused.
26:46Well, maybe.
26:47But I got you pegged.
26:49Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.
26:51But I don't know what to do with those tossed salads and scrambled eggs.
26:58They're calling again.
27:02Good night, Seattle.
27:03We love you.