Frasier Season 4 Episode 12 Death and The Dog
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00:01Ross, none of these little lights seem to be flashing.
00:07Hey, what do you know? I got the same thing over here.
00:11Well, who's our first caller?
00:13No one.
00:15How much time do we have?
00:17None.
00:22Hello, Seattle. This is Dr. Fraser Crane.
00:26Well, I have some good news for you.
00:31As today is the first sunny day we've had in a few weeks,
00:35it seems that all our lights are open, so please call in.
00:38No waiting.
00:42Absolutely no waiting.
00:47Oh, come on. Somebody's marriage must be on the skids.
00:51Somebody's career must be going badly.
00:54Other than mine.
00:59Hey, how about all you agoraphobics? I know you're not outside.
01:06Oh, oh, that's a call. All right, I'll take it, I'll take it.
01:10Hello.
01:12I'm listening.
01:14Hi, Dr. Crane.
01:15My name is Alice, and I'm usually a happy person, but today, well, I just started thinking about all kinds of sad things.
01:26My job isn't that exciting. My kids don't call me as often as I'd like.
01:31Pretty soon I was in a full-blown funk.
01:33Well, Alice says today seems to be a bit slow. You know, I think I have a story I can tell you that might be of some help.
01:42Do you have some time?
01:44Well, it's three o'clock and I'm still in my bathrobe.
01:46Perfect!
01:47Well, it all started three days ago.
01:54You see, my father was very concerned about his little dog, Eddie, so he had taken him to the vet.
02:00So what did the doctor say?
02:04He's stumped.
02:06I told her he's not sleeping, he's not eating, he's not even sniffing stuff.
02:12Welcome, Houston, Mrs. Frobisher in 13B.
02:15He said he can't find anything wrong with him physically. He thinks it might be an emotional problem.
02:21You know, I've heard they have therapists for dogs. Do you suppose a dog psychiatrist could be the answer?
02:27Only if the question is, what is the most asinine thing we could possibly do?
02:34Maybe Eddie's just lonely. You know, I was thinking maybe we could maybe get another...
02:39Stop right there, Dad. We are not getting another dog.
02:42Oh, come on. What could be more fun than having a little brother or sister around the house to play with?
02:47I fell for that trick once, Dad.
02:52Well, I'm gonna get this little guy home.
02:55All right, I'll see you at home. I want to pick up some beans before I go.
02:59See you there.
03:03Oh, wow.
03:05There's a guy over there checking me out.
03:08He's coming over here.
03:10Uh, get out.
03:11No, it's too late. Just pretend you're not with me.
03:14Hello, Dr. Crane.
03:16Dr. Kagan. I hope I'm not interrupting you.
03:18Oh, no, not at all. I don't even know who she is.
03:20Frazier.
03:23Hi, I'm Roz Doyle.
03:25Dr. Steven Kagan.
03:26Yes, Dr. Kagan moved into my building about three months ago from Chicago, I believe.
03:30Yes, that's right.
03:31I love what I've seen of Seattle, but I'm still finding my way around.
03:36Well, Roz is an excellent tour guide.
03:38Really?
03:39Well, if you have an afternoon sometime, maybe you could show me all the hot spots.
03:45Oh, I think that could be arranged.
03:50I'd be happy to. I'm free tomorrow afternoon. Here's my card.
03:54Great. I'll give you a call.
03:58Nice meeting you, Roz.
04:00Dr. Crane?
04:01Dr. Cagan.
04:04Thank you, Frazier.
04:07My pleasure.
04:09Gorgeous doctor, and I didn't get you anything.
04:14So what kind of doctor is he?
04:15A gynecologist.
04:18That's not funny.
04:21What's the matter?
04:22He really is?
04:23Oh, God, I can't go out with a gynecologist.
04:28Do you know what they do all day?
04:31I have a general idea.
04:35All right, I'll see you at home.
04:37Hey, would you date a gynecologist?
04:39Oh, God, no.
04:40See?
04:41Yeah, I wouldn't even date a dentist.
04:43Hands in people's mouths all day.
04:45And after watching Eddie's complete physical,
04:48I'm not anxious to date a vet any time soon, I don't know.
04:53I would have thought of familiarity with a woman's body.
04:58That's really more of a sidetrack.
05:01Getting back to our story,
05:03by the time I got home that day,
05:06alas, poor Eddie was no better.
05:10Hey, look, Eddie, Mr. Carrot.
05:12Ooh, give you a good eyesight.
05:14I had a lot of fun with this, too.
05:18Matt?
05:19Yeah?
05:20What are you doing?
05:22Oh, I went out and I bought a bunch of new toys for Eddie.
05:26I just thought that might cheer him up, you know?
05:29Hey, Eddie, look at this.
05:32Hamburger.
05:34Juicy.
05:36Meaty.
05:36I'll bet you'd like a bite of this, wouldn't you?
05:40No?
05:41Well, more for me.
05:43I sure hope you don't take a bite out of the other side.
05:47Have you ever seen anything sadder than this?
05:53No, I can't say that I have.
05:55Oh, that would be Dr. Crane.
06:02He said he was going to bring his dog over.
06:04Oh, not that four-legged Maris.
06:07Jack, please.
06:10Don't call it that in front of him.
06:11He has no idea.
06:12How could he not?
06:13It acts like Maris.
06:15It barks like Maris.
06:16Aside from the fact that it eats now and then, they're dead ringers.
06:19Hello.
06:22Hello, Bethany.
06:23Hello, all.
06:25I heard Eddie was down, and I thought a playmate might cheer him up, so voila.
06:31Well, I appreciate the offer, Niles, but I already tried it in the park with real dogs,
06:37and it didn't work.
06:40Well, you'll change your tune when you see my girl turn on her charm.
06:44All right.
06:45Come on, girl.
06:45And go to Eddie.
06:49Go to Eddie.
06:55Okay.
07:00Do your stuff.
07:03That's it.
07:08Oh, oh, I can see her magic working already.
07:12Oh, girl, come back here.
07:13Girl, come back here this instant.
07:19Okay.
07:25Oh, Eddie, it's breaking my heart seeing you like this.
07:29How would a nice big batch of Grammy Moon sugar biscuits sound?
07:33Do you honestly believe he can understand a word you're saying?
07:36Hey, I read somewhere dogs can understand up to 400 words.
07:39Now, a super smart dog like Eddie probably knows a thousand.
07:42Oh, really, Dad?
07:43Yes, really.
07:44Eddie understands a hell of a lot more than you give him credit.
07:47Yeah, why, just yesterday I said, Eddie, I've lost my keys.
07:50And he looked up at me.
07:52And Eddie?
07:52Eddie?
07:53Eddie?
07:53Eddie?
07:54Eddie?
07:54Eddie?
07:54Eddie?
07:54Eddie?
07:55Eddie?
07:55Eddie?
07:56Eddie?
07:56Eddie?
07:56Eddie?
07:56Eddie?
07:57Eddie?
07:57Eddie?
07:58Eddie?
07:58Eddie?
07:58Oh, yada, yada, yada, yada, yada, yada.
08:00Eddie?
08:01Eddie?
08:01Eddie?
08:01Anything other than the simple fact of his name or a grunt.
08:07Well, the crisis is past.
08:09She just needed a little rest.
08:10Fortunately, I remembered to bring her sleep mask.
08:16How's Eddie?
08:18Worse.
08:19I'm afraid we're going to have to call him one of those dog psychiatrists.
08:23Yes, you can't be serious.
08:24Well, I'm desperate.
08:25We tried everything else.
08:27A dog psychiatrist?
08:29Honestly, Dad, they are the very definition of charlatanism.
08:32You simply cannot apply the principles of human psychology to animal behavior.
08:37Precisely.
08:39Animals operate out of instinct, whereas human beings can reason.
08:43Yes.
08:43They can cogitate.
08:44Yes.
08:45Therefore, a human being, through analytical psychotherapy, can...
08:49Dad.
08:51Dad.
08:55Dad.
08:57Dad.
08:58Dad.
08:58Dad.
08:58Dad.
08:58Dad.
08:58Dad.
08:59Dad.
08:59Dad.
08:59Dad.
09:00Dad.
09:00Dad.
09:00Well, it's the intrinsic value in what you're talking about to you.
09:07Thank you for staying with us through the first commercial break.
09:11We're talking to Alice, who has a case of the blues today.
09:15In order to help her through it, I am relating a story from my own life.
09:19Any questions so far, Alice?
09:22Well, I was wondering, what happened to Roz and the gynecologist?
09:25Well, since Frasier did tell the most embarrassing part of the story, something kind of funny did happen.
09:39Oh, my God.
09:41You're kidding.
09:42You were at Camp Lakeridge, too?
09:45What years were you there?
09:46Roz.
09:47Roz.
09:48We are trying to help this woman.
09:50We don't have time for your pointless tangents.
09:54Anyway.
09:54My father finally got his way and made an appointment with a dog psychiatrist, who insisted that the entire house will be present for the first session.
10:05He's keeping this guy.
10:06He should have been here by now.
10:08Perhaps he's been detained by his fear of fetching group.
10:12All right, now, you two, cut it out!
10:25Hello, I'm Dr. Arnold Shaw.
10:27Hi, Doc.
10:27Marty Crane.
10:28Come on in, please.
10:30This is Daphne Moon and my sons, Frasier and Niles.
10:35Hello.
10:35And this, of course, is the patient.
10:40I don't suppose my father told you, but my brother and I happen to be psychiatrists.
10:45Oh, how nice.
10:46I always enjoy being in the company of colleagues.
10:54I'm sorry, did you say colleagues or collies?
11:01It's the joke.
11:05It's very clever.
11:07Very clever.
11:09Well, shall we begin?
11:18Hello, Eddie.
11:20I'm Dr. Shaw.
11:23And I'm here to get to know you and help you get better.
11:29You're very sad, aren't you?
11:31It's okay to be sad.
11:37Sometimes I'm sad, too.
11:40We're going to spend the next hour trying to figure out why you're sad.
11:48When you give a dog an hour, you can bill him for seven.
11:50I'm sorry, I get the feeling that some of us aren't taking this seriously.
12:03Look, I apologize.
12:03It all just seems a bit silly.
12:06Oh, really?
12:07Silly?
12:09I'll have you know I just attended the funeral of one Buttons McFarland, whose owners felt the same way.
12:16Fuck you!
12:17Okay, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
12:22First, I'd like to administer a dog personality profile quiz I developed.
12:32My first questions are based on how you think Eddie might behave if he were a human being.
12:39Oh, boy.
12:39It's not a joke.
12:43This is very serious.
12:46If human Eddie were planning a dinner party, what might he serve?
12:51I'd say meatloaf, but not the plain kind.
12:54One with that fancy tomato soup ways on top.
12:58Might be a bit underdone, though.
13:00He has trouble reaching the knobs on the stove.
13:02Poach salmon.
13:13I don't know why.
13:17Interesting.
13:18Question two.
13:20What would you imagine human Eddie's first words to be?
13:24Well, I hope.
13:26Give me a breath mint.
13:29I'm sorry.
13:30I'm sorry.
13:32All right, next one.
13:36What do you imagine would be human Eddie's favorite cologne?
13:41Aquavalva.
13:41It's a little strong, but I think he could pull it off.
13:47Gray flannel.
13:48Oh, I don't know why.
13:53Cologne?
13:54Well, actually, I think he would prefer toilet water.
13:59By the way, same answer for favorite beverage.
14:09I'm sensing a lot of hostility here.
14:14Oh, I'm sorry.
14:14I just don't see the point.
14:16What is any of this telling you about Eddie?
14:18The point was not to learn about Eddie, but to learn about all of you.
14:22And might I say, mission accomplished.
14:27Well, perhaps now would be a good time for me to examine Eddie one-on-one.
14:33Is there a room I can use?
14:36Oh, yeah.
14:36My room.
14:37Second on the right.
14:38Eddie, after you.
14:44This may take a while.
14:48If Eddie were one of the Beatles, I think he'd be George.
14:53I don't know why.
15:00And yet, she's never been committed.
15:02I don't know why.
15:13Okay, I'll say it.
15:15What the hell have they been doing in there for the last hour?
15:17Well, he's probably just talking to him.
15:19Eddie happens to be very complex and interesting.
15:22Oh, yes.
15:23It must remind me to sit beside him at his next dinner party.
15:25Well, be prepared.
15:30He'll be up and down checking on that meatloaf.
15:36I have my diagnosis.
15:39Finally, the white smoke.
15:44Eddie is indeed depressed.
15:46Depressed.
15:47Now, if, as you say, there's been no change in his routine, I can only surmise that he's reacting to someone else's unhappiness.
15:56Is any one of you suffering from depression?
15:59Not me.
16:00I'm not depressed.
16:01Neither.
16:02I'm cheer personified.
16:03Well, he's picking it up somewhere.
16:10To be on the safe side, you should all be conscious of how you behave when you're in front of him.
16:16Try to speak in pleasant, happy tones.
16:21Goodbye, Eddie.
16:23Call me in a few days.
16:24Let me know how he's doing.
16:26Thanks for everything, Doc.
16:29Sorry to rush off, but I have a four o'clock appointment at the zoo.
16:33There's a hyena there that won't even crack a smile.
16:40See, I can joke, too.
16:48Hold it.
16:49Oh, my God.
16:50Ross, what's happened?
16:52I want to kill myself.
16:54Oh, hey, Ross.
16:55Not in front of Eddie.
16:59What?
17:00That gentleman that just left was a dog psychiatrist.
17:03He said it would be a good idea if we all had a happy tome around Eddie.
17:07So, please, tell us, why do you want to kill yourself?
17:12Well, I went out with Dr. Kagan, and everything was going so great, I almost forgot what he was.
17:20What is he?
17:21A gynecologist.
17:22Oh, gee, I don't think I want to hear any more about this.
17:31All right, Ross, what happened?
17:33Well, we went upstairs to his apartment, and he poured a glass of wine, and...
17:38Well, do you know what a speculum is?
17:44Apparently, he was an avid collector of antique gynecological equipment.
17:49I've just gotten the signal from Ross that we're running out of time, so...
17:57I'll skip ahead in our story.
17:59Yes, I mean, the man's theory's a whole lot of hooey.
18:13Who here has any reason to be unhappy?
18:16Well, mind you, I would never say this if it worked for Eddie's sake, but...
18:21Comparatively speaking, Dr. Kagan, you have the most to be depressed about.
18:27What with your separation from Mrs. Kagan and all.
18:30Well, I'm not unhappy.
18:32Besides, I don't even live here.
18:34Oh, please, you hear more than I am.
18:38You know, I hate to say it, but, uh...
18:40Dad, if anybody's giving off unhappiness, I'm afraid it's you.
18:43Me?
18:44Yes.
18:45You're the one who hasn't had a date in a year.
18:48Not to mention two failed marriages.
18:50And yet you did!
18:55Well, I know, maybe I am not entirely happy.
18:59Why should I be?
19:01My son lives across the country.
19:03There's no woman in my life.
19:06Maybe it is I who's making Eddie sad.
19:10Oh, now, now, don't you take all the blame.
19:14If I give my life a good once-over, I realize it's not all jam.
19:19I've just lost the only boyfriend I've had in years.
19:22And the biggest thing in my life is that I got all my hair cut off months ago, and no one's even mentioned it.
19:28You're going to like, oh, I love you, do you?
19:30I love you, do you?
19:31I love you, do you?
19:32I love you, do you?
19:37Daphne, maybe you were right earlier.
19:40I'm not so happy.
19:42Oh, maybe it's me.
19:44My life hasn't been a picnic since Hester died.
19:47Now that I think about it, what have I got to be happy about?
19:51I mean, I know that has nothing to do with Eddie, but maybe Frasier picked up something from contact with me.
19:58He wouldn't be the first one.
19:59Oh, I'm too depressed.
20:03How loosely woven is the fabric of our happiness?
20:08A tug or two that unravels to reveal how empty our everyday lives really are.
20:14And then there are the empty nights, accompanied by thoughts of loneliness and death.
20:24You think about that, too?
20:26Thought it was just me.
20:28Everybody thinks about it.
20:31You lie real still and hold your breath and pretend you're in the ground?
20:37No, that's just you.
20:39When I die, I want it to be on my 100th birthday, in my beach house on Maui, and I want my husband to be so upset he has to drop out of college.
20:53You know, I once had a psychic tell me the strangest thing.
21:04That one day I'd go off me rocker, take up a kitchen knife, kill the entire household, and then kill myself.
21:12Silly old bag.
21:15She was right about my moving to Seattle, though.
21:23Well, I don't know how I want to go, but all my years around the police morgue taught me a few things.
21:34First off, you don't want to swallow Drano or rat poison.
21:39And if you're going to kill yourself with an axe, get it right the first time.
21:43Well, you know, we can talk about it, we can think about it, but nobody really knows how or when.
22:01One second we're as alive as anyone else, and then what?
22:05Darkness.
22:10Nothingness.
22:13Afterlife.
22:15I've always liked the notion of meeting the great figures of history.
22:20Then I think, what if it's like high school and all the really cool dead people don't want to hang out with me?
22:30Mozart will tell me he's busy, but then later I'll see him out with Shakespeare and Lincoln.
22:34Well, I don't know about you, but this is depressing the hell out of me.
22:41Remember, my number's coming up sooner than you guys.
22:44Yes.
22:45Yeah, that's right.
22:51Oh, no, none of us really knows when our time is up.
22:55And it's never long enough.
22:57My great-grandmother was 92 years old when she died,
23:01and her last words to me from her deathbed were,
23:04it's so short.
23:09Of course, it was the 70s.
23:12She could have been talking about my skirt.
23:13I have seen the eternal footman hold my coat and snicker.
23:27T.S. Eliot.
23:29Dead.
23:33Must not all things at the last be swallowed up in death?
23:38Plato.
23:38You know, perhaps Dr. Shaw was right.
23:49Perhaps we are the cause of Eddie's depression.
23:57Simple beast.
23:59He has peered beneath the masks of happiness we all wear.
24:05And seen what lurks below.
24:09Infected by our sorrow.
24:11His once carefree doggy work.
24:14Has been shattered.
24:16Perhaps forever.
24:18Well, look at him.
24:19He's happy again.
24:21Could that have been all it was?
24:22He was missing his favorite doll.
24:24Well, I guess Dr. Shaw was wrong after all.
24:27He wasn't taking his cue from us, was he?
24:29Well, we were certainly taking a cue from Eddie.
24:33I've never been so depressed.
24:35Tell me about it.
24:37Sure.
24:38I wish I was a dog.
24:40All it takes is a little toy to make him happy again.
24:43I'm afraid we're a bit more complex than that, Daphne.
24:47We know for whom the bell tolls.
24:50Anybody else here there?
25:07Oh, the biscuits.
25:12Daphne, by biscuits, do you mean cookies?
25:15Yeah, that's right.
25:16They smell good.
25:17Fresh from the oven.
25:18Oh, nice and warm.
25:21Yeah, and I have a fresh pitcher of milk for dipping.
25:23Oh, and I believe there's ice cream, too.
25:29And so, Alice, even the happiest of us can find reasons to be unhappy if only we look for them.
25:36So don't look for them.
25:38Take a tip from our dog friends.
25:41And treat yourself to your favorite toy.
25:45Whatever that might be.
25:46I'll do that right now.
25:49Thank you, Dr. Crane.
25:51I really do feel better.
25:54This is Dr. Fraser Crane reminding everyone that life is too short to dwell on every bump on the road.
26:03Try to take pleasure in the simple things.
26:07In short, eat a cookie.
26:10Oh.
26:14Oh.
26:17Oh, yeah.
26:18I broke a thing.
26:21I'm not going to go to the dentist.
26:23You're going to tell me I haven't flossed.
26:25My lip's going to get all fat.
26:26My life sucks.
26:27Hey, baby, I hear the blues are calling tossed salads and scrambled eggs.
26:40Mercy.
26:42And maybe I seem a bit confused.
26:45Well, maybe.
26:46But I got you pegged.
26:48Ha, ha, ha, ha.
26:50But I don't know what to do with those tossed salads and scrambled eggs.
26:57They're calling again.
27:01Thank you!
27:02You