Frasier Season 4 Episode 8 Our Father Whose Art Ain't Heaven
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00:00Look, we had an agreement. We'd like to see a movie I wanted to see, so I was supposed to pay for the tickets.
00:07Very well, Dad. The next time we go to see a Jean-Paul Van Damme movie, not only may you pay for the tickets, but also for the wild horses it will take to drag me there.
00:19Well, I'm only mad because we had an agreement. Now, a man's supposed to honor his agreements. Didn't you learn anything from that movie?
00:26Yes, only the bullets are useless against a man who can kick really hard.
00:30Now, look, I'm serious about this. Once in a while, I'd like to pay.
00:38Okay.
00:39Okay, so the next time we go anywhere, it's on me. Have I made my point?
00:43Yes, Dad, with all the subtlety that Mr. Van Damme displayed when he jet-packed into the Vatican to subdue that nasty old Pope imposter.
00:51Like you saw that coming.
00:53Well, Maris has finally deigned to call me back after I've left no fewer than 20 messages.
01:01Honestly, now, by calling her so many times, you give her all the power. You're much better off coming from a position of strength.
01:09Don't pour that sherry on your shirt. It will stain.
01:11What?
01:14Oh, I'm sorry. I thought this was the portion of the afternoon where we gave each other patently obvious advice.
01:20I had to call Maris. You know that party I'm throwing for my country club friends?
01:25Oh, yes. One I wasn't invited to, but my Waterford punch bowl was.
01:29Yes, Will. Maris has chosen the exact same night to throw a party of her own.
01:34Well, couldn't you ask her to postpone?
01:35I tried. She's already flown in a sculptor from Sweden to capture her likeness in ice.
01:41Ah, the perfect marriage of subject and medium.
01:47Well, you can see my problem. We're going to be competing now for which friends go to which party.
01:54You know, Niles, for a separated couple still hoping to reconcile, I'm afraid you're going down a path that...
02:00You shouldn't wear that tie with that jacket.
02:05Oh, I see. Is that your clever way of telling me that I'm dispensing unwanted criticism?
02:10That, too.
02:14Hello, boys.
02:15Hello, Dr. Jaffney.
02:17Hey, Dr. Craig. Will you be joining us for dinner?
02:20What a nice invitation. I'd love to.
02:23Well, then, you're in for a treat.
02:25I've decided to make Grammy Moon's famous sheep's head stew.
02:30Oh, don't worry. The name's a bit misleading.
02:33It's actually more of a soup.
02:35You actually use a real sheep's head?
02:41Oh, you have to. It's right in here.
02:44Oh, my God.
02:45I just remembered.
02:46We have reservations at Lusigar Ball all tonight.
02:49Oh, my God.
02:50Oh, jeez.
02:51That's a night I nearly forgot.
02:54You're going, too, Mr. Craig.
02:55Well, I promised the boys.
02:57I don't suppose there's any way you guys would let me out of this.
03:01Well, the other pigs are you.
03:02Well, you see, I tried.
03:05Oh, have fun.
03:07I'm off to stick my head in the oven.
03:09Hello?
03:17Marshall?
03:18Yeah.
03:18I got rid of them.
03:21You bring some wine, and I'll throw the steak some.
03:24Oh, dear Lord, it's rather busy.
03:39Well, let's keep our fingers crossed.
03:41Ah, Francois.
03:42Ah, Dr. Craig, bonsoir.
03:45Ah, bonsoir.
03:47Bonsoir.
03:47Dr. Craig, bonsoir.
03:48Oh, and this is our father, Martin Crane.
03:52Ah, Monsieur Crane.
03:53I need it.
03:56Enchanté.
03:58Francois, I'm afraid we're at your mercy tonight.
04:01You say we have no reservations.
04:02Oh, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, Dr. Crane.
04:06I will see what I can do.
04:07Oh, thank you.
04:08Anything would be just fine.
04:10You know, come to think of it, we haven't been here since Chef Joachim had his pinky
04:14grabbed it back on.
04:15Oh, then, this is your first time seeing our new artwork.
04:21He's my own discovery.
04:24His name is Cordoba.
04:26Exquisite.
04:27Spunning.
04:29My God, I don't think I've ever seen such fearless use of color.
04:34You know, as usual, your taste is as fine as your cuisine.
04:39Is there any luck?
04:40For you, yes.
04:42For Dr. Dubin, who brings his own wine, no.
04:45Ha, ha, ha, ha, good man.
04:47Monsieur, follow me, please.
04:49Merci bien.
04:50Your table is ready.
04:52You guys go ahead.
04:53I've got to make a little visit to La Cam.
04:58What's up there?
05:01Le menu.
05:03I will be back with the wine list, monsieur.
05:07Wine list?
05:08My God, you ought to bring his blindfolds.
05:12I mean, what is he thinking with this artwork?
05:16It's appalling.
05:18Who is it that said art in restaurants is on the same level with food in museums?
05:24Little white lies one will tell for a good table.
05:27Of course, I would cover them in a black velvet Elvis right now if Chef Joachim's lobster confit were at stake.
05:37Frasier?
05:38That's Winship Cook.
05:39She's one of the guests Maris and I are competing over for our parties.
05:43Going to go woo her.
05:44Oh, really nice.
05:45Why don't you just reschedule your party?
05:48Because I don't want to give Maris the satisfaction.
05:50She's pushed me around long enough.
05:52All right.
05:53Metaphorically, of course.
05:54In reality, she can hardly push at all.
05:57It's that terrible afternoon last spring she spent trapped in the revolving door at Bergdorf's.
06:05Well, I hope there's something on there you like.
06:07Because dinner's on me tonight.
06:09What do you mean, Dad?
06:11Oh, we had an agreement.
06:12Next time we went out, it was my treat.
06:14Yes, Dad, but when I said that, what I meant was...
06:16We're not discussing it.
06:17Yes, but, Dad, it's rather pricey.
06:19You promised.
06:20I just don't...
06:22All right.
06:24All right.
06:25You treat.
06:26Now, don't worry about it.
06:27Just order whatever you want.
06:34Is this per person?
06:38The wine list, doctor?
06:41Thank you, Francois.
06:42But you know what?
06:43I don't believe we'll be having any wine tonight.
06:46And I'm going out for a Big Mac after work.
06:49No, no, I'm really being quite serious.
06:52You see, my brother and I are watching our caloric intake tonight.
06:56We'll be eating light.
06:58As you wish, doctor.
07:02I know what you're doing, you know.
07:03I'm not stupid.
07:04What are you talking about?
07:05You're eating light.
07:06All the way over here, you had the same look on your face that Eddie gets when he hears a can opener.
07:13Look, Dad, it's just that I'm not that comfortable ordering an expensive meal when you're paying.
07:19Well, what's the big deal?
07:20You take me to places like this all the time.
07:22I can afford it.
07:26I'm sorry.
07:27I didn't mean that the way it sounded.
07:30I know how you feel.
07:32No, you don't.
07:34You're always paying for me, and I'm never allowed to pay for you.
07:36Well, it feels pretty lousy.
07:39Well, go ahead, Mr. Big Shot.
07:40You pay.
07:41Dad.
07:42Well, the good news is, Winship has agreed to come to my parking.
07:47Bad news is, I left my wallet at home.
07:49So, Frasier, I'm afraid this is on you.
07:51Actually, tonight's dinner is on Dad.
07:53No, you ruined it.
07:54I'm not paying.
07:55Well, I'm not paying.
07:57Well, I can't pay.
08:00So, that would be three happy meals to go.
08:09No, he never suspected a thing.
08:13Yes, I had a great time, too.
08:17Oh, go on, Marshall.
08:18Say it again.
08:21Now, say it how you said it last night, like Donald Duck.
08:29Well, I guess it was the wine that made it funny.
08:33Goodbye.
08:34Yeah, I'll see you tonight.
08:35Bye.
08:37Oh, hello, Daphne.
08:38Hello.
08:39Daphne.
08:39Will you be favouring us with any English delicacies tonight?
08:42Well, as a matter of fact, yes.
08:44The butcher had him some lovely carved stomachs, so I'm going to try my hand at haggis.
08:51Even Hannibal Lecter couldn't keep that woman's cooking down.
08:54Hello?
09:01Ah, Winship.
09:03So looking forward to seeing you at the party.
09:07Oh, how dreadful.
09:09Oh, you poor thing.
09:11No, no, of course I understand.
09:13The important thing is that you get better.
09:15You are a dear for calling, you lying, two-faced cow.
09:24So she's not really sick?
09:25Oh, hardly.
09:27Maris is luring away all my confirmed guests.
09:30Suddenly there are accidents, deaths in the family.
09:33A wave of misfortune is sweeping through society's blue bloods at a rate unprecedented since the French Revolution.
09:39Oh, great, you're back.
09:43Hey, listen, about last night at the restaurant, I'm really sorry.
09:47Oh, no, no, no, Dad.
09:49Look, it was my fault.
09:50I should have been more gracious.
09:51No, no, it was my fault.
09:53I was the one who overreacted.
09:54You know, I just really wanted to do something nice for you.
09:58You know, the older you get, the harder it is to do stuff for your kids.
10:03I understand.
10:05I tell you what, next three dinners, they're on you.
10:08No, no, no.
10:10I found something better than that.
10:12I finally found something I know you're going to like.
10:14Now, just a minute.
10:16This is going to be so great.
10:18My God, I haven't seen you in this, Sidious.
10:20You've got that four-in-one remote control.
10:38It's a cordoba.
10:44Olé.
10:46Yeah, you guys were raving about these paintings last night, so I went down to the restaurant
10:50this morning to find out why they got theirs, and lucky me, the ones they had were for sale.
10:55Oh, Dad, this is awfully, awfully...
10:59Expensive.
11:00Yeah.
11:01Yeah, yeah, but it's worth it.
11:03You know, you don't know how good this makes me feel.
11:07After I'm gone, this will still be here.
11:10Hey, Dad, come here, take a look at this.
11:17Wow, I'm very impressed, Mr. Crane.
11:21When did you have the time to do that?
11:26Oh, sure, like I could paint something like this.
11:29You know, I was thinking maybe we could put it over the fireplace.
11:34Yes, yes, the fireplace is the first place I thought of, too.
11:46And lately, I've had the chronic fluctuating mood disturbances that would indicate cyclothymic
11:51disorder.
11:52I mean, the hypomanic symptoms are there, and yet I've experienced moments of aphasia and
11:56apraxia, and I just want to pull my teeth out, Dr. Crane.
11:59What do you think?
12:00Well, Greg, two possible diagnoses come to mind.
12:07Either you are seriously mentally ill, and you should be institutionalized immediately,
12:12or you are a first-year psychology student.
12:18Oh, yeah, yeah, I'm at UW.
12:19Yes, well, it's not uncommon for students to feel that they're manifesting symptoms that
12:24they are studying.
12:26It'll pass.
12:28But what do I do till it passes?
12:29Well, just relax.
12:32Well, it might be a good idea to postpone reading about male sexual disorder until after
12:37spring break.
12:41That's all the time we have for today.
12:42This is Dr. Frasier Crane, K-A-C-L, 780.
12:48Good show.
12:49Oh, thanks, boss.
12:50Hey, boss, I'm not busy after work.
12:53It's like maybe get a drink or something.
12:55You know, maybe you see a movie.
12:58You pick, I'll pay.
13:00You can stay out as late as you want, but eventually you're going to have to go home
13:05and that painting will still be there.
13:09You have to tell him.
13:11I can't, Rob.
13:13You didn't see the look on his face when he gave it to me.
13:16Frasier, have I ever told you about my ceramic hippo collection?
13:19Oh, yes, many times.
13:20What the hell I have?
13:21Shut up and listen.
13:24One Christmas, my grandma sent me a ceramic hippo.
13:28Ross, a hippo cannot possibly be as repellent as a rabid matador killing an epileptic bull.
13:35Was the bull wearing a pork pie hat and fishing off a dock?
13:41Continue.
13:41Okay, I made the mistake of telling her how much I loved it.
13:46Well, that just opened the floodgates.
13:49I got ice skating hippos and hula hooping hippos.
13:52Thank God for that earthquake.
13:57Oh, you mean they broke?
13:59Well, I assume they did when they hit the bottom of the garbage chute.
14:04But I blamed it on the earthquake.
14:06And the point is, you need to talk to your father now and be honest with him.
14:12You're going to be stuck with that thing until the next natural disaster.
14:15Oh, you're right, Ross.
14:18Okay, so I'll just have to tell him this afternoon.
14:21Okay.
14:23Oh, Ross, the crystal vase I gave you three years ago for Christmas,
14:27you said that was broken in the earthquake.
14:30Oh, no, no, no, that really was.
14:33I was very disappointed.
14:34As disappointed as you were when Eddie chewed up that sweater I gave you for Christmas.
14:42This year liquor?
14:44Deal.
14:53Oh, hi, Dad.
14:54Hi, Frase.
14:55You know, Dad, I was just down in the storage room putting away some boxes.
15:03Guess what I came across?
15:06That, uh, that smoking jacket I gave you for Christmas last year.
15:11The shiny one?
15:12Not shiny, that's silk.
15:13Boy, I really, I really messed the boat on that one, didn't I?
15:20You know, buying things for other people, it's so hard sometimes, isn't it?
15:25Yeah.
15:26Hey, uh, you want some pastrami?
15:27There's some more in the fridge.
15:28Oh, no, no, thanks, Dad.
15:30I don't really care for pastrami.
15:32Isn't that funny, you know?
15:33You could love something so much, and I would find it distasteful.
15:39People have different tastes, you know.
15:42Yeah, well, that's one way of looking at it.
15:45Some people like pastrami, like me.
15:47Other people don't.
15:48They're nuts.
15:49Oh, afternoon.
15:54Good afternoon, Niles.
15:55Hi, Niles.
15:56Dad, uh, Fraser, I'm here to pick up the punch bowl for my party.
16:00Although at this point a soup bowl might suffice.
16:03Thanks to Maris, I'm down to three confirmed guests.
16:13Three?
16:14Yesterday, it was twelve, wasn't it?
16:15She's circulating a vicious rumor that I'm going to have a karaoke machine.
16:20Oh.
16:22You know, this vindictive behavior of Maris, this is completely out of line.
16:27You know, if you don't want her to continue with it, you really should call her on the phone and confront her.
16:34You're absolutely right.
16:37It's time I took the bull by the horns.
16:45Sorry.
16:45Maris, Niles, you may feel you've triumphed, but all you've done is shown yourself to be petty and uncivil.
16:57Frankly, the only people lower than you are the fickle paramecia that deserted my party to attend yours.
17:06Uh-huh.
17:07Oh, I see.
17:08Very well.
17:10Yes.
17:11I'll see you at eight.
17:12Can I bring anything?
17:12Can I bring anything?
17:12Thank God for the stars in that shirt, and there'll be nothing holding you upright.
17:29Hey, Niles.
17:31Huh?
17:31Here.
17:34Well, what's that?
17:36It's a wine rack.
17:38Really?
17:39Yeah.
17:40I felt kind of bad about giving Frasier something and nothing for you, so I saw their prize posters.
17:46Oh.
17:48Well, thank you for the thought, Dad, but it doesn't really fit in with the decor of my apartment.
17:55Oh.
17:56Oh, okay.
17:57Well, no harm done.
17:58I'll take it back.
18:00Anybody want a beer?
18:01No, thanks.
18:03Oh, thanks, Dad.
18:04Um, open.
18:07Frasier, I no longer require your punch bowl, but may I borrow your blow dryer?
18:11Of course.
18:12Why?
18:13Sven just finished Maris' ice sculpture, and she's convinced that she looks a bit hippie.
18:22Dad?
18:24Are you sure Niles didn't just hurt your feelings now?
18:28No.
18:29No, I'm glad he told me.
18:30I don't want to give him something he doesn't like.
18:33Well, that's very wise.
18:35You know, it's important for fathers and sons to be honest with each other.
18:39It shows respect.
18:42You know, I've been thinking, Dad, about the, uh, painting.
18:46You know, Art, it's such a personal thing.
18:48It means what one person may like, another may not.
18:51It doesn't mean that one of them is right and the other is wrong.
18:55You're telling me you don't like the painting?
18:56Well, it's not that I don't like it.
18:58It's just I, I don't love it.
19:01It's not me.
19:04Not a problem.
19:05If you don't like it, I'll take it back.
19:07Oh, thank God, Dad.
19:08That's such a relief.
19:10You know, I was up half the night worried about it, and I just, uh.
19:16Dad, are you all right?
19:18Oh, I didn't upset you, did I?
19:22My God, Dad, are you crying?
19:24No, no.
19:26Yes, you are.
19:27Yes, you are.
19:28I just saw you wipe your eyes.
19:30No, I didn't.
19:30Just quit looking at me.
19:33Dad.
19:34Oh, my God.
19:38I made my father cry.
19:40Dad, don't you stop.
19:41Oh, God.
19:43I'm only crying because you're crying.
19:45I'm not crying.
19:46I don't know what this is.
19:48I didn't even cry when I got shot.
19:51I didn't cry when I got shot either.
19:56I'm getting rid of that dead painting right now.
20:00I just wish I knew why you told the whitey you loved it so much.
20:03I was lying to him.
20:05You can lie to him, but you can't lie to me.
20:09Please.
20:10Please stop crying.
20:12I want to keep it now.
20:14Oh, it smells good.
20:15Oh, no, it is good.
20:16It's very good.
20:17I love it.
20:19Well, I found that the...
20:25Dad, are you crying?
20:31Frasier, what happened?
20:33Oh, my God.
20:34You're crying, too.
20:35Why is everybody crying?
20:41You know how I get when other people cry?
20:43Tell me what happened.
20:44I made a father cry.
20:48I'm not crying.
20:50You're lying.
20:52I'm the most ungrateful son there is.
20:54I can never do anything for my son.
20:58No one wants to come to my party.
21:05Dad.
21:17Frasier?
21:19You think we ought to talk about what happened this afternoon?
21:22Nothing happened this afternoon.
21:24Look, Dad.
21:27I know you're disappointed about the painting.
21:30That's not a problem.
21:31Well, look, you said to yourself that it wasn't as easy for you to give me things.
21:35It wasn't as easy as it was when I was a kid.
21:37Yeah, well, I wasn't very good at it then, either.
21:40Your mother always picked all your stuff out.
21:43Still, you did put a roof over my head.
21:48Sent me to school.
21:49All right.
21:50All right.
21:50You want to talk about this?
21:52We'll talk about it.
21:54Do people ever come up to you after they met me and say, how can that guy be your father?
22:04He's nothing like you?
22:07Well.
22:07Because they've been saying that to me about you for the last 40 years.
22:16I just thought, I don't know, that I'd finally given you something.
22:24Something you like.
22:25Something we both like.
22:26I'll grab something in common or something.
22:34That's no big deal.
22:36I'm tired.
22:36I'm going to bed.
22:37Dad.
22:37Dad.
22:38Let's just hang on a second, will you?
22:40I remember a time when I was, oh, six or seven years old.
22:48You were getting ready for work and you're getting dressed.
22:53I was playing with your badge.
22:59And you sat me down and you said that it was not a toy.
23:03That it was a symbol of something very important.
23:09Of integrity.
23:12And honesty.
23:13And helping people.
23:18Well.
23:19From then on, every time I'd see you put on that badge, I would, uh.
23:25I would think of that.
23:26I just said it so you'd stop playing with the damn thing.
23:33You were getting it all sticky.
23:37You all, you'd be that as it may.
23:43I've tried to live up to your example.
23:46And help other people.
23:48I've tried as a psychiatrist to conduct myself with the same integrity that you showed as a police officer.
24:01And when I find myself in a quandary as to the proper course of action,
24:06I think of you wearing that badge.
24:13And then I know what I have to do.
24:14You gave me that.
24:22Yeah.
24:24Yeah, Dad.
24:27Thanks.
24:30You know.
24:33I think I may have something else to give you.
24:36Something that.
24:39I know you really like.
24:43I'll be back in a minute.
24:44I've been holding on to this for quite a while now.
25:12Waiting for the right time.
25:13Oh, my goodness, Dad.
25:24I'm speechless.
25:26It's your bet.
25:30Full of time.
25:31They gave it to your grandfather when he retired from the force.
25:43When I graduated from the academy, he gave it to me, and now I'm giving it to you, and someday you'll give it to Frederick.
25:50Well, uh, I don't know what to say.
25:55Ah, you're not going to start crying again, are you?
25:57No, no, no.
26:00It's, uh, it's a surprise, that's all.
26:03Hey, wait a minute.
26:10You didn't think I was going to give you my badge, did you?
26:14Well, I...
26:15My badge?
26:17That's a laugh.
26:18You'll have to pry that out of my cold, dead hands.
26:25It's a date.
26:26Hey, baby, I hear the blues are calling tossed salads and scrambled eggs.
26:39Oh, my.
26:41And maybe I seem a bit confused.
26:44Well, maybe.
26:45But I got you pegged.
26:48Ha, ha, ha, ha.
26:50But I don't know what to do with those tossed salads and scrambled eggs.
26:57They're calling again.
27:01Good night, Seattle.
27:02We love you.
27:02Good night.